God, look at you all.

Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.

You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.

That’s where Readers’ Letters comes in. Every week we plunge our heads into the faeces clad Water Closet of the hecklerspray bedsit and extract from its odious bowels the hecklerspray Post Bag. It’s enough to make a porn star gag and yet we do it for you as a public service.

A community service, if you will. Ordered by the courts to pay off libel charges.

So here it is. This week’s delve through the detritus.

The internet. It’s so full of homophobes that you’d think it was like a giant, multi-billion-user British National Party meeting. The constant slew of comments coming from graduates of the Youtube School of Intelligent Thought is enough to make your blood boil until it resembles a fine Port. Take this example. You see, homophobes really like to drive home their point by making it in every available space:

The word ‘gay’ appears in an insulting tone a whopping seven times in a three word comment. To all of you, there is only this message. Being gay isn’t something that should be seen as an insult. It’s not insulting to be called gay. It’s just… not.

Of course, sometimes the homophobes manage to dress their homophobia up as a social commentary. In the case of Diane Richardson (her home address is not available at request), she’s chosen to stand in complete opposition to reasonable thought:

Gays have no right to inhibit free speech or define gay. Who do they think they are? Answer: Nobody! Some people ARE born gay I’ve witnessed this in my own family but a huge majority are gay by CHOICE, for instance poor men. Many poor men perform gay sex acts on men for money and in prison heterosexual men have forced and consensual sex with each other. After they’re released they go home to their women. (gross) Anne Heche (loved her hair) was gay for a while.
Sandusky, Bernie Fine , Eddie Long (all GOP) and other pedophiles are GAY because they engaged in sex with underage and adult males. Gays spent a lot of energy trying to convince everyone that pedophiles were straight. Fail! These guys had sex with boys and young men.

Well, there you go then. Here at hecklerspray, we like to start with the really vitriolic crap before we lapse into a more relaxed meander through the scores of people that despise us, not an entire group of people. It’s easier that way.

Speaking of people that absolutely despise us, Libertines fans have been sitting with their thumbs in their mouths, desperately hoping that someone would care enough to write an article about them and hark! Someone did. What did the article say? Does that matter when it provoked so much fury from One Eyed Jacks?

Worst article ever from a talentless author without any sensitivity for good lyrics and musicality.

Hmm… maybe he hasn’t heard The Libertines before. Still, fans of ‘The Mad-Libs’ aren’t the only group of righteous, entitled git-pots to get in touch this week. Earlier, Editor Mof flippantly mentioned Toni Braxton‘s numerous bankruptcy claims in an article about Whitney Houston’s moaning coupon and prompted furious scenes amongst Toni’s fan base.

Read that again.

Toni Braxton’s fan base.

We know. Give yourself a moment to take it in before you read what Brittani had to say:

You should really get your facts straight about Toni Braxton before you start speaking negative about her. That is pure ignorance! Don’t ever talk about Toni again unless it’s on a positive note! Shame on you! You shouldn’t be talking about Whitney either but I guess some people just have nothing else to do with their life but judge others…

Err… right. Sorry. We’ll never talk about Toni Braxton again. She can go on the pile of ‘Celebrity Irrelevancies That We Can’t Mention Because They’re Too Cripplingly Dull” along with Timmy Mallet and Sylvester Stallone’s Mum. It’s the only honour she’s ever likely to win again. This promise didn’t deter Richard though:

There was no need to use Toni Braxton’s name in this article, especially in a vicious mean way, you need to hope you never find yourself sick and in financial trouble, since you seem to think you’re better than others. Quite a shame.

Thanks for hoping that we never find ourselves in financial trouble! Would you be willing to help us out by setting up donations of just £4 a month that would allow Euan Davidson & Miss Robotnik to feed their monstrous cocaine habits? Anything you can give would help.

Let’s face it, everyone’s in financial trouble and we only have Toni Braxton to blame. Still, if you need someone else to blame, why don’t you try everyone’s favourite sexual pariah? No, it’s not Gary Glitter, it’s Caroline Flack! You already know that she’s limping through faked orgasms with human libido Harry Styles but did you know that someone calling themselves Harry Styles left a comment on our articles.

As usual with this kind of thing (see the Readers’ Letters Tom Hardy Special), we can only assume that the comment is from the floppy-haired-erection-monster and treat the comment with the necessary respect.

Harry styles is a cute nice boy Caroline you need a life touching body parts of q 17 year old you could be his mother you fucking idiot get a life and a real boyfriend and if you to get so serious the whole world will hate you Caroline and Harry one direction would be over and bye bye to your fans and Harry I am saying this for you I love your music and you

Harry Styles: demonstrable egomaniac. Not only is he a certified narcissist, he’s also criticising Caroline Flack for her love of tossing him off behind the bike sheds. Oh wait. Hang on. Maybe this isn’t Harry Styles talking about himself in the third person but some jealous One Direction fan who spends 3 hours of every day ‘worshipping’ their Harry Styles doll.

Still, at least worshipping a Harry Styles doll is closer to human contact than being in love with a video game. Yes, the announcement of Resident Evil 6 has seen accidental ejaculations all across the gaming world with one fan’s excitable eruption registering as a 2.3 magnitude Earthquake. The comment below- from Sasha- is indicative of the kind of response our article garnered from Capcom’s verbose and witty fan base.

”’_”’ ???_??? ^^^_^^^ “””_””” $$$_$$$ %%%_%%%** (LOL)** I LOVE U RESDENT EVIL

Moving away from video games and on to TV now as yet more comments pour in on our article which compares The Office with its American counterpart. The sporadic running battles on this comments section have largely turned into a series of vitriolic, xenophobic rants. Like Up Yours, who shoved a flaming envelope through our letterbox before flying home on a nuclear missile.

hey I bet this was some british fuck doing this review its cool to have country pride but just remember the AMERICAN REVOLUTION…… america!!!!! so quit being byes you uk fuck ….the office america wins this thats why it lasted 8 seasons …. suck that…you BOSTON TEA PARTY FUCK

TO ARMS, MEN! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING BACK FOR ROUND TWO! Of course, we’d usually moan about the fact that this article was written three years ago and have a good ol’ chuckle at the idiocy of the man who still believes this argument is relevant. However, given that our friend doesn’t appear to operate in the same area of time-space as us, that line would be redundant. This guy believes the Tea Party has just happened. This man is from the past.

ALL HAIL THE TIME LORD!

Before we all bow down in glorious acquiescence to our new ruler, we’ll leave you with this. Someone didn’t like us having a laugh at Drake’s expense.

Wow this is the worst article ever. Seriously. Kill yourself.

This can be roughly translated as:

Everyone who doesn’t like the same thing I like should either kill themselves or be murdered because my opinion is correct on every single point of minutiae.

So cheers for that, Comrade Stalin.

Until next week, our Semen-Stained Overlords.

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

However, you may be correct as even Jolie knows that one day her children will want to live in one place and she can’t bear the thought of leaving one behind.

That’s right. SHE’D STILL BUGGER OFF ON HER ADVENTURES, WITHOUT OR WITHOUT THE FREE THINKING INGRATE.

She stopped doodling in blood on her wedding dress long enough to say:

“Right now they love it. If we’re in the same place for two months they wanna know why we’re not getting on an airplane. They really love to travel….Beacuse they’re such a big travelling pack….it’s not one child moving around the world and missing friends, there’s so many of them they have constant play dates and are always together…

“But I’m sure they’re gonna say: ‘Mum, let me stay home’ and when that happens I’m gonna cry…I don’t want to settle, I love travelling, but we’ll see.

We’re sure they’re going to say:

“HOLY FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MUM!, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH UNCLE JAMES???”

She joked:

“They’ll probably end up living all around the world and my old age will be Brad and I travelling, trying to visit all our grandchildren in random countries.”

Brad was not available for comment, except to say that Jennifer Aniston is boring.

If you were asked to sum up the Jackson family, how would you do it? Some people might call them the greatest collection of siblings who ever entered a recording studio. Others might comment on how inferior Janet and LaToya were compared to Tito, Jermaine and Randy.

Most people would say that the entire family were complete fruit loops.

However, we’d like to comment on how the Jackson family manage to pick the worst possible time for any new release. A brand new greatest hits album from Michael followed weeks after heart went all funny and of course, there was the tribute concert that was accidentally scheduled at the same time as the Dr. Conrad Murray trial. Some would say this was done for financial gain.

Cynical, cynical people.

As we all know, ‘Sexy’ Dr.Conrad Murray was convicted for administering all sorts of funky drugs into Michael Jackson. That should be it as far as we’re concerned. The poor sod’s rotting corpse can now get some peace. But not if the Jackson estate and pesky Brian May get their way.

Musical collaborations happen all the time. Most of them are a poor excuse for one of the artists to leech on to someone more successful than themselves and climb the ladder toward popularity again. Nowadays, people don’t do it for the love of the music; instead it’s for soundtracks where, if it the song turns out to be a disaster, everyone will have forgotten about it months later.

It’s safe to say that some collaborations have been safely locked away where nobody will ever get a chance to hear them. Probably because they’re rubbish. One such recording that was made in the eighties – a time that’s renowned for crap music- was between the king of pop Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury.

These days he wouldn’t get a look in. We have Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol for God’s sake.

Nowadays, Queen are fronted by Brian May, a man who is most famous for playing on the roof of the Queen’s house and demonstrating that white people can’t pull off an afro. Speaking about the potential release that ironically didn’t feature his input the first time, he said:

“The Michael Jackson estate are happy for us to go ahead with the music. But it’s not something that we can rush.”

Well that’s good to know isn’t it? A song from 1983 is going to be given a technical modern remix thanks to a bunch of old men providing some guitar work. We’re positive it’s what Michael would have wanted. But why release this now and not when Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury were alive? Surely this stinks of a cash in? According to the floppy haired one, it supposedly isn’t. May said:

“I don’t work on things with the aim to make money or for promotional reasons. I work on things with the view ‘to let’s see how it goes. When it is something we feel is worthwhile then it’s nice if we could get it out there.”

We pray that this release doesn’t get a release. With Michael Jackson and Queen fans not being mentally stable, this single will only spark off the apocalypse and see them kill off anyone who doesn’t appreciate “the musical genius”.

Thankfully, no release date has been set. But when we get news, we’ll let you know so you can gather supplies and lock yourself in an underground bunker.

Remember Michael Jackson’s amazing tribute event in Cardiff where people bought overpriced tickets to watch Alien Ant Farm, 3T, JLS and LaToya Jackson (aka Michael’s animated corpse) prance around on MJ’s grave?

Of course, most of the Jackson family thought the tribute was in terrible taste, what with it taking place in the middle of Conrad Murray’s trial.

The whole thing was beset with controversy, even to the point where absolutely insane Michael Jackson fans boycotted the whole thing, calling it a scam. Well, maybe those lunatics were onto something because Global Events – the people who put the show on – have now gone into administration leaving everyone who worked on the show unpaid for their work. HURRAY FOR MICHAEL JACKSON’S LEGACY!

The news, reported by Stereoboard (in a less funny way than us) if anyone wants to sue anyone over defamation of character, broke after some of the people who worked on the show went mental on twitter, using the hashtags #unpaidMJTalentTeam and #HELPGETMEPAID.

Sadly, everyone was too busy making jokes about #xfactor to give the vaguest of shits.

Anyway, this looks like a case of a bunch of lighting crew and roadies not getting paid, right? WRONG. The artists haven’t got paid either. Of course, the backstage crew should get paid first because they need the money more and, secondly, the artists should’ve done the whole thing for free if they loved Michael Jackson as much as they say they did.

Of course, now they’ve not been paid, you just watch all the pop stars saying “Oh, we were totally going to give our fee to a charity like Michael would’ve wanted.” You just watch.

A twitter user named Dom Pisani has been tweeting and writing about the whole thing, shouting:

“Not impressed that Global Live Events have gone bust leaving all who work tirelessly on the MJ Tribute concert unpaid!! #unpaidMJTalentTeam.”

They followed this up with:

“Still no payment from Michael Jackson Tribute Concert, apparently even artists are missing money. Doesnt look promising.”

“@Ivy_MJJC @misschiviouss @loakim45 #unpaidMJTalentTeam Keep tweetin guys, we need ppl to notice. Noones paid, guess that means charities too. wud really appreciate you posting it guys, they can’t be allowed to get away with it.”

Another user, Aaron Mavinga, wrote:

“HELP! I worked on the #MJtributeCONCERT last month and Global LIVe Events gone bust. PLEASE RT message #HELPGETMEPAID #unpaidMJTalentTeam.”

Ester GillT-Pleasure Gill (what an idiot name) said on the M4Tribute official Facebook page:

“It’s disgusting that not one person who worked on the concert got paid! A total scam and a real shame to end on! I worked hard on this show and then got told the promoter had not paid any bills at all and went bankrupt over night. What a Scam!! The Promoter should be ashamed of himself for ripping off hard working crew!”

No official word from Global Events as yet, and indeed, there’s nothing to say that these people aren’t lying (we have to say that legally), but y’know, with this being a gossip-based site, we have to report these things between the reviews and photos of boobs.

Looks like, even in death, Michael Jackson can’t catch a break with decent people to work with. Just think about the last person he hired.

Exactly.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Well, it appears that the feuding pair have called a truce and now, Angelina and Jane Pitt are acting like adults. Nice adults. Not those fighting adults.

Six long years these tits have been at it!

Why? Well, Jane, reportedly criticised Angelina’s mothering skills when she threw some kind of dreary children’s party for those babies they stole from some undernourished country. That ‘degenerated into a bitter showdown’.

Sources told NOW magazine:

“Ever since Brad got together with Angie, her poor relationship with his mom has been hanging over them like a dark cloud.”

They continued:

“Jane adored Jen and was devastated when Brad left her for Ange. It didn’t help that Ange’s attitude was pretty much: ‘Hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care. I am who I am – just deal with it.’ “

You can picture her saying it can’t you? Puce faced, tight-lipped sneering mother glaring at faux-sass indignant Hollywood bozo stood beside a greying Brad Pitt who wishes they’d both just piss off.

At least they’re all playing nice though, eh?

BUT NO-ONE CARES! EVEN US WHO ARE WRITING THIS GODAWFUL ARTICLE. WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE US FOR WASTING YOUR STINKING TIME?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?

The scene in question concerns Snooki and Deena having a fight in a bar.

Remember that?

No, not THIS fight involving Snooki…

It’s a different one. That said, the above video looks grimly real. No, this one involved a hissy fit in a bar and it looked for all the world that a bartender lobbed ice at Snooki and Deena which saw them trashing the place.

Have a look.

It’s clearly all bollocks.

Legally, we should say that MTV’s response was “It’s all real, and we couldn’t make this all up.”

You don’t care do you?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

As we’ve already made abundantly clear on this very day, no-one wants to see myriad bands reforming to remind us of why we thought they were a bit awful in the first place.We thought we’d just get that out of the way to start with.

Secondly, the answer to the question ‘Why do bands reform?’ is never ‘For the music, maaaaaaannnnn.’. It is, invariably, “for the money, maaaaaaannnnn.”

Whether we like it or not, the music industry is a big wheel that keeps on turning, spewing out derivative crap with every clicking cog. That’s not the problem, it really isn’t. There is still good music out there and even some of the launched faeces eventually breaks down into a diamond.

The real problem is that the music industry and the music press makes it very, very easy for bands to reform with the veiled intention of making shedloads of cash while claiming that they’re coming back to fill the void left by a move away from rock n’ roll to twink pop nonsense.

We meant to mention by the way, Pete Townshend of The Who doesn’t think he’s capable of writing hit songs any more. He also regrets ever joining the band in the first place because being ‘typecast’ as a member of The Who has stifled his solo career. The solo career he would never have had a hope of having without The Who. Townshend is so delusional and desperate to stay in the limelight that it comes as little surprise to hear that he and Roger Daltrey (of ‘once in an episode of CSI’ fame) are planning to re-release the classic Who album ‘Quadrophenia’.

Are they content with the millions of dollarpounds that the re-release will draw in? No! Of course they’re not!

They’re also planning to take the album on an over-priced stadium tour where tickets will cost £100, t-shirts will cost £25 and the audience will have to remortgage their homes in order to afford a pint of the stagnant urine which laughably passes for lager at stadium venues.

Yes, that’ll really recapture the old days, won’t it? Fans of The Who, we have nothing against you but don’t fall for all this diluted nonsense which is designed for one thing and one thing only; to get you to part with your cash. These old boys of rock have enough. Keep it in your pockets. Go and stand in a sweaty, packed little venue that you got into for free, drinking real alcohol that you paid £1.50 for and see if you can find a band that you really, really like.

Maybe give them £100. Maybe become their manager. Maybe make them the best damn rock outfit since The Who. It sure beats lining the coffins of the money-hungry reformers.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Angelina Jolie is quite often at the front of charitable causes, giving us the plead-eye so we give our scant pennies to whatever plight she’s decided to pose before. It’s all very fulfilling being Brad Pitt’s other half.

And while she works for the UN and pouts at starving children, she also likes to blow loads of money on tat.

While visiting a shop in London, the actress forked out £1,300 in 15 minutes. Probably on clothes made by infant hands in sweatshops.

All the suffering and hurt in the world weighed heavy on her shoulders as she quickly flicked through the racks, splashing out a admin monkey’s monthly wage on a number of pieces, including a mustard camisole, whatever the shit that is.

As well as worrying about the poor and needy, she was flanked by her stolen children, a bodyguard and personal assistant to help her carry the bags to her expensive car.

How wretched Jolie’s existence is.

And she’s not getting married. Nosiree. Jolie told Vanity Fair this week that she was not planning a secret wedding or anything like that, adding:

‘I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment.’

She’s far too busy acting like Bono for any of that nonsense.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

This week’s Dragons Den came with the royal seal of approval. Except that it didn’t. It came with a man who’d sent a board game to the Queen, got a letter of thanks, and then got a bit confused and thought this meant she loved him. And that was just one of the interludes. Actual royalty? And it’s not even deemed worthy of a full pitch? What other wonders can the show possibly hold that will match that?

The answer, strangely enough, was shit in a bag. Quite literally. A woman called Kate Castle came into the den with a camping stool with a hole in it, shoved a bin bag through said hole, and then told the Dragons that she’d invented a portable toilet. Peter didn’t seem particularly impressed, but that was no matter.

For Kate only had eyes for Theo.

She loved him, in a creepy, borderline-sexual way. She even went so far as to beg him for an investment, and in doing so, completely lost Deborah’s interest. That’s because Deborah doesn’t want to be second-best. Or is possibly in love with Theo herself. Either way, Kate got her money, and is now going to try and force the elderly to defecate in bags in the corner of a room.

Before that, the Dragons had been treated to a show. Because people haven’t realized that pretending they’re in a theatre just makes them look like complete divs. There was a reason for it though; Darren and Helen wanted the Dragons to invest in a pantomime company, but they’d got hecklerspray right off side by introducing the ugly sisters and failing to name them after Deborah and Hilary.

HOW CAN THEY MISS SUCH AN OBVIOUS JOKE?

It wasn’t their lack of comedy genius that put the Dragons off though. It was the fact that they didn’t really need an investment, and they were only going to make money in December, when washed-up celebrities need to find a way to fund their coke habits. So nobody gave them any cash.

Next in the den was a strange man who was possibly on drugs, and wanted to tell nice stories about boys being attacked by dogs when they’re trying to steal a product. Yep, we weren’t quite sure how that’s relevant either. Especially as his products seemed to just be a few very, very expensive chairs. hecklerspray loves sitting better than anyone, but we’re not going to pay 18k to do it. Which was what Druggy McBeardy seemed to want to sell his chairs for.

His real problem though, was that he’d taken no step at all to turning it into a business, other than the fact that he feels that he’s ready to. Apparently, he’d just woken up one morning and gone “hey! I’m a businessman! I’m going to bring some magic to the world!”. When actually what he was going to do was take some ridiculously expensive bullshit to the world. Needless to say, he got no money.

This week’s final hopefuls were two bald men who want to attack your letter box with junk mail. At speed. They employ people to quite literally run all over London putting leaflets through postboxes. They’re also good on the clichés; they’re bursting at the seams, and ready to explode into the market, and on the brink of a revolution. Sounds like leaflet-drop is a more dangerous business than we thought. Boss man Henry also thought he was excellent in everything he does, which judging by his scary eyes probably extends to killing strangers.

For some strange reason (possibly the scary scary eyes of death), the Dragons were determined to give these tracksuit wearing mentalists their money. Peter, Hilary and Duncan all tried to throw money at them, but it was Deborah who succeeded in becoming their business partner.

And so all that was left was the weekly “crap people” interludes, which this week included a couple who wanted to stop that really high-profile crime of hanging basket theft, and a man who thought his chocolate massaged you from the inside. Which just sounds painful.

None of them had letters from the Queen though. The losers.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Everyone had a really good weekend, looking forward to Monday, in the hope that Saint Bono was actually going to die. It looked odds-on too, as he was rushed into a hospital with a heart so heavy about the plight of the third-world, it could no longer continue.

But alas, like all great news, it was too good to be true as it emerged that there’s pretty much nothing wrong with Bono and that, in fact, he’s made a pact with Jesus Christ Himself to outlive absolutely everyone on Earth, just so he can have the last word.

The prick.

Apparently, Bono did go to the Princess Grace hospital in Monaco but for a routine check up (and to heal some lepers with the power of his sense of self worth), his spokeswoman said.

“Despite press stories to the contrary, Bono has not suffered a recent health scare”

“Reports of his being rushed to hospital for emergency treatment are untrue. Bono is in good health and enjoying a family holiday in the south of France.”

This all kicked off after a bunch of newspapers reported that Bono had experienced heart palpitations and pains while on holiday. Bono is alleged to have said:

‘They’re not palpitations – if anything, it’s stigmata of the heart’.

The U2 frontman was checked over and told that there was nothing wrong with him, prompting Bono to lower his expensive spectacles, quieten his voice and say:

“That may be so, but as long as there is suffering and injustice in the world, then I shall never be a well man”

Sadly, it appears that Bono once again missed the glib response which told him that he could probably solve a few problems if he wasn’t such a tax-dodging bastard.

Next week: Bono remembers that Larry Mullen Jnr exists and asks the drummer if he’d like to wash Bono’s feet

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!