Tori Spelling has a new memoir coming out, nauseatingly entitled “Spelling It Like It Is“. Some excerpts have been leaking out, which is great because no one is really going to shell out any actual money to buy this epic waste of paper. Some of these include Spelling revealing that she is rich people poor, and that she thinks Katie Holmes is a real life robot.
Spelling and her husband make their income off a reality show on a D-List channel, and Holmes was contractually bound to Tom Cruise for years as his Alien wife, so neither of these revelations are particularly mind blowing, but they do give a shit ton to mock, so I enjoy it.
Tori Spelling’s father was one of the richest and most successful show producers in history. Spelling grew up in the total life of luxury. The kind of shit that makes North West’s Givenchy onesies seem like they came from KMart. Add in a role on the wildly popular “90210″ as the ever insufferable Donna Martin, which she got due to successful fertilization and not acting talent, and Spelling never wanted for anything.
But then her father died, and Spelling’s volatile relationship with her mother, Candy, turned totally south. Candy is the HBIC of all things gaudy, gold, and excessive, so if you want to gobble up any of her pricey crumbs, you better get down on your pauper elbows and knees and kiss those platinum rings.
Tori only loves all things Tori, so this dynamic was just so not going to work for horse face. So poor Tori only got about $800,000 from her father’s estate, and her mother continued to live in a $150 MILLION dollar home.
Between getting the shit end of a very well funded stick, and the fact that without Daddy around to give her acting jobs, Tori ended up going the way of all washed up stars- reality tv. For a while that was going 0kay, well enough anyway that she and husband, Dean McDermott, decided it was smart to start a mini spawn army. But then that damn recession hit and poor Tori was reduced to living below the poverty line.
In her book, Spelling reveals that her family has had to struggle so hard and were basically on the verge of getting food stamps. I mean, Spelling couldn’t afford a new purse for 3 years. 3 years! Can you just imagine the shame in carrying around a past season Prada?
At that point, you might as well just buy your high waisted jeans tapered at the ankle from Walmart. Not only that, but the family didn’t even have the funds to get Dean’s sperm shooter snipped. Apparently these two can’t keep their genitalia from combining since the family has 4 kids under the age of six, so their only option to stop adding new mouths to feed is to have Dean get a vasectomy.
Are there no Planned Parenthoods in Los Angeles? Cause bitch could easily role up and get some birth control pills for a couple bucks a month or some free flavored condoms. But sadly, the poor Spelling/McDermott brood just could not scrape together the funds to get the procedure done, so it’s like Christmas every month for Tori when she gets a visit from that bitch Aunt Flo.
In addition to a very pathetic attempt to garner sympathy from people who wished they had Spelling’s money “problems,” Spelling also throws some major shade at Katie Holmes. Holmes is just a sad puppy who was basically a living prisoner for years in CrazyAlienLand, so for Tori to decide to make fun of her is just a little mind boggling. Seems Tori had met Holmes years prior, and awkwardly then ran into her again while at a vocal coach;s home.
As I sat waiting outside his music room, I heard his prior appointment working
with him in the other room. It was some actress singing horribly off-key. I
heard him say good-bye and then the actress walked out of the room. It was Katie
Holmes. I didn’t know whether we should hug or shake hands. But the signal from
her was immediately clear: Don’t even come close. She was just plastic. I
thought, ‘I know you’re not a robot because you can’t sing for shit.’
Wellllllllll, Holmes still could be part robot. We all really don’t know what the Scientologists did to her during her years of contractual marriage. And since Tommy Cruise is the only Diva in his relationships, it would make sense that Holmes wouldn’t be allowed to have her singing improved at all.
Can’t have the possibility of anyone showing him up at Karaoke Tuesdays, now can we? Spelling also says that Holmes was a fake ass bitch for pretending like she doesn’t have her Google Alerts set up so that she can stay up to date on Spelling Juice 24 mother fucking 7.
When Spelling tried to bond over their shared ruined vaginas, Holmes didn’t immediately start spewing names/birth weights/favorite toys of Spelling’s kids, and that shit is UNACCEPTABLE!
“Then I was annoyed. Come on. Okay, I know you’re busy. But you’re in the public eye. Don’t tell me you don’t follow the tabloids. Don’t tell me you don’t know anything about other celebrities and their kids. Then we stood there, she was just plastic. In a perfectly polite way. My pits were drenched. I never sweat. It was that awkward. I thought, I know you’re not a robot because you can’t sing for shit.”
Really, this whole part about Holmes just seems like a desperate grab for extra attention to try and up book sales. Hey a girl’s gotta go what a girl’s gotta do, so I can’t totally fault her for that.
However, if bitch really wanted to rake in the bucks, she’d spill some real dirt. Like, are her mom’s veins really filled with ice and the souls of children? Or how many dicks did Tori suck in order to get told she was pretty growing up? Does Dean only tap it from behind, or is he just blind enough when his glasses are off?