Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

But homicidal spin cycles aside, Cynthia Nixon has said something so completely mental and stupid that having a tumble dryer bearing down on us on a ravaged battlefield is what we deserve for listening to Nixon’s, frankly, trollish behaviour.

As she was showing off her new bald head to Regis and Kelly (but without Regis), Nixon thought that spouting some incredibly inflammatory remarks about what it means to be gay would be completely appropriate and not at all raising publicity for whatever god awful film she’s starring in that revolves around cancer.

Why would anyone give two hoots that she’s got a bald head? Unless she’s brandishing an umbrella and a maddening glint on her eye, no-one’s going to care are they? Anyway, between talking about whatever character she is going to ruin, she told the hosts about a recent speech she gave.

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

This isn’t the first time that Nixon has angered the gay community by letting her ill-thought opinions out. She’s also helpfully told the New York Times:

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

It sounds like Auld Cynth gets angry about a lot of things doesn’t it? Obviously between having her cake and eating it too, Cynthia wants to get a little revolutionary as well, which is fine with us. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if the opinions are unfairly timed and eventually misjudged, but to say anything as generalising as being gay is a choice is making herself look just like the bigots who she is, hopefully, campaigning against.

It does sound like she’s got a touch of the Santorums doesn’t it?

So, in conclusion, rich, famous lesbians can sometimes say offensive things when they have a film out that they need to promote. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist because she’s probably so filled with the scent of her own self worth that her shit probably tells her how fantastic she is as it flushes away.

Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.

The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.

It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.

Ms. Ciccone directed and co-wrote the film which chronicles Edward VIII’s romance with American divorcee Wallis Simpson for whom he abdicated the throne in 1936, leaving the far more successful screen king George VI to take over. Thank God he did otherwise Colin Firth might have a significantly smaller trophy cabinet right now.

Still, Madonna is more interested in the pair’s deep love affair, rather than the widely negative reviews that the film has been garnering.

“When she says ‘I wonder what it was like to have been loved that much?’ I think I probably said that to myself.”

Madonna need only read the comments on any of our articles about her to know how much she is loved by a mindless shower of keyboard-mashing imbeciles but she goes on to say;

“Men want power and they will kill to have it. If you look back in history, how many wars have been waged to win the throne? And here’s a man who walked away from that for love. And so for a romantic like me, I would say: ‘Wow, to be loved like that!’ And Wally feels the same way – she wants to be loved like that.”

Poor Madonna doesn’t seem to be getting an adequate level of adoration from her dancer boyfriend. We’re not going to do that ‘gossip writing’ trick of saying how old he is to imply that she’s a cradle snatcher by the way. That’s not who we are. We’ll just say it. He’s 30 years her junior. It’s approaching a Hugh Hefner level of creepiness, that one.

Anyway, Madonna has great respect for the power that King Edward (latterly the Duke of Windsor) gave up to be with Ms Simpson. The star identifies with his actions.

“What Edward gave up was huge, monumental, but I also don’t think that he realised that when he abdicated he was never going to be allowed to come back into the country. I’ve been asked many times if I would give up everything for love. And I think it’s important to understand that with love, and in all relationships, you have to give up something.”

Like a country. Or a career. Or, in the case of her divorce from Guy Ritchie, someone to tell her that her new film was shit. Thankfully though, she didn’t give up on her dream and her negatively reviewed new film W.E. opens in cinemas on Friday. After all, the interview wasn’t done so that she could pour her heart out to the Radio Times, was it?

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.

And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.

Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!

Sadly for Brooke, she’s sorely lacking in catchphrases, so this story isn’t nearly as funny as Sheen’s. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh though.

So what’s the rub?

Well, Brooke was arrested over the weekend in a nightclub on suspicion of assault and possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.

Get that? Sheen is clearly not paying her enough child-support money if she’s dealing coke. Sorry. We should rephrase that. Sheen clearly not dropping nuclear truth bombs of money into Brooke’s pocket of lose. WINNING. Tiger bl… oh forget it.

Reports say that Aspen Police Department officers were doing a routine walk-through at Belly Up Aspen when a woman reported that an assault had taken place. Police said a woman identified the culprit as Mueller and the police found her at the dance club Escobar.

She was probably having a nice dance to Pitbull or something.

The police say that Mueller faces a class-four felony charge of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and third-degree assault, a class-one misdemeanour. No. That means absolutely nothing to us either, but from what we can glean, it sounds like a really fun spectator sport.

A police spokesperson said…

“She’s obviously a person who attracts a lot of media attention, and we will handle this case just like we handle all cases… she’ll get treated like we treat everybody else.”

…to the press. That’s right, the press, who they usually talk to about all their cases. This is totally normal.

Mueller has form with this sort of this, having various stints in rehab, including time at an “extreme” rehab program in Mexico earlier this year. She was also escorted off a flight after being described as “belligerent.” Various reports alleged that she’d also been seen in a carpark with a crack-pipe and has also been trying to pawn jewelry for cash.

And yet, she still has custody of the twins. Just how awful a human must Charlie Sheen be if that’s the case?

What do we know about Vanessa Feltz? Well, she’s going out with that singer from Phats & Small. She was once the female Robert Kilroy Silk with her vaguely reactionary  daytime show. She once wrote a book called What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!

Ummm. Oh, and she went absolutely stark-mental while appearing on Celebrity Big Brother, which everyone enjoyed.

So what’s she up to these days? Well, the answer to that is short and simple – flesh eating.

Not too long ago, Feltz fell over and grazed her knee. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Rubbish celebrity story, right?

WRONG.

See, what happened next is absolutely hilarious. Two days after cutting her knee, she found herself delirious in a casualty ward with her leg turning black, according to reports.

This is because Feltz somehow got a rare disease called necrotising fasciitis, or, if you prefer, a flesh-­eating disease. That’s right. Feltz’s body was so tired of itself that it tried to go cannibal. Alas, it started with the knee rather than the tongue.

Feltz, ever eager to talk, says:

“I’m really shocked, horrified and appalled because it started as just nothing. About four weeks ago I’d been to an art exhibition in Soho – and I’d not touched a drop of alcohol – but after I came out I was wearing a pair of ludicrous high heels and I just tripped over.”

“All I had was a tiny graze about the size of a 50p on my right knee. It was no big deal and I wasn’t remotely upset. It bled a bit so I went home, put a bit of TCP on it and that was it.”

“Then about two and a half weeks after I’d grazed my knee I was in the middle of doing my BBC London radio show and suddenly my leg felt like one of those sausages on the barbecue which is about to burst. I looked down and it was boiling hot and bright red from the ankle to the thigh and felt as if it was going to split in two from the inside out. It was really, really painful.”

HILARIOUS! Then she went to hospital.

“By the time I got there I was too ill even to sit up on a chair and had to lie on the floor. I was delirious, really. I was immediately admitted and I thought ‘good, good – they’re going to give me intravenous antibiotics.’ Then the doctor said, ‘And now we’re phoning the surgeon.’ I said, ‘What? Why? Why are you phoning a surgeon?’ And they said ‘this leg is going to need an operation and we’re going to have to work speedily to excise the poison which is coursing through your entire system.”

So, throughout this amusing ordeal, what have we learned? What’s the lesson for us all here?

“This really does put me off wearing high heels for life.”

Great. Oh, and sorry that the story wasn’t about a zombie Vanessa Feltz going on some wild brain-eating rampage. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Charlie Sheen, we barely knew ye. You were fun while it lasted, but alas, you can now slope off to the obscurity from whence you came because, the long and the short of it is, we’ve heard that you’re now “absolutely” sober.

We officially don’t care.

When we look at your list of achievements, not one of them includes a film of yours. We genuinely don’t like you as an actor. We like you as a drug taking, always drunk, sex-obsessed maniac, teetering on the lip of the yawning chasm of death. Not this.

Let us look at what made you so entertaining to write about in the first place.

You were discovered in a hotel room with a prostitute. You beat a chandelier up. You tried to have a polyamorous relationship and ballsed it up. You stood on top of a building, wobbling around with a machete. You told us you were made of tiger blood. You had a suitcase of cocaine. You had pills to keep your heart going. You cried while discovering the fourth dimension while watching Jaws on a boat. You made your ex-wife cry. You made a woman cry in a hotel room while she cowered in a cupboard.

And now? You’re in a “mellower” state and can’t remember exactly how long you’ve been free of drink and drugs?

On The Today Show’, Charlie said:

“I don’t really keep track of the time. It’s been a while. Things are a lot calmer. It’s a lot mellower.”

“I really don’t know what happened. It was one of those things where the planets were aligned, perfectly or imperfectly. I said some stuff and then it caught such traction globally and instantly that I couldn’t really put out the fire.

“From one moment to the next, I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was pretty exciting.”

It was exciting. It was really funny too. We thought you were going to die on us. We thought you’d keep us in laughs for a lifetime.

Then you went and realised that you were a real person with a family and sorted yourself out. Charlie, why did you bother? You were better to us all as a wreck.

You could have been somebody. Now you’re that guy from Hot Shots Part Deux.

RIP, sweet prince.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.

See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.

And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).

The couple decided that they’d have a nice time in Mexico, where the heroin is first rate. A veritable violent torpedo of romance you might say.

There, they booked the Presidential Suite which apparently costs $15,000 a night. Sheen presumably eyed up the chandelier and recalled the time when he first re-entered the public’s radar by beating one up while a young woman feared for her life while locked in a wardrobe.

At the swank hotel, they had a monkey butler and something oddly conceptual called an ‘infinity pool’, which is presumably perfect for drowning in.

The most boring source on Earth says of this ghoulish coupling:

“There were candles everywhere. They ate very healthy, local fish, salad, drank fruit juices. Charlie had arranged a chocolate molten cake with candles for dessert. It was beautiful.”

We can only hope they shared a needle of smack and fell into a loving coma for three days, before re-emerging to lovingly hold each other’s hair back while they puked up a pipe or two… because that’s more fun than what actually happened.

Boring shits.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Charlie Sheen keeps saying the word ‘winning’. Sadly for him, he isn’t and the word has now lost all meaning. He’s no longer a particular figure of fun, but rather, a sad man self-harming in public.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t berate him for no good reason. It’s not our fault he’s sick in the brains.

Mercifully for Sheen, public hostility has been at a minimum as he faced make-up wearing blouses at the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos where the god-fearing lamos showed the world that they throw like baby girls.

Sheen found that the Juggalos lived up to their make-up wearing lifestyle by gently lobbing things at the stage while he spoke. Charlie – a man who has the reaction time of a turning snail – managed to avoid every single missile thrown at him from the wimps in the throng.

And so, the Juggs resorted to simple booing. You can’t mess that up, right?

Wrong. See, Juggalos are so rubbish at booing that it can be misconstrued as a positive response. Sheen’s representative said:

“Charlie did not get booed off of the stage. The Juggalos were chanting ‘whoop- whoop,’ which is a show of love. Charlie Sheen did well in front of the Juggalos.”

“It was a huge response. He was tremendously received.”

They then added:

“There is no greater compliment to have garbage thrown at an artist. The crowd didn’t want him to leave.”

So next time you see your favourite celebrity, be sure to tip a trash can over their head. They’ll know that it means you love them, okay?

Anyway, here’s a video of thousands of Juggalos throwing things so badly that they may as well go and sit in a darkened room and try and work out the mystery of magnets.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.

It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.

Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?

Charlie has whistled while sloping away quietly from a lawsuit against Capri, the bongo film actress whom Sheen had alleged tried to extort $1 million from him after a “consensual encounter” at NYC’s Plaza Hotel… not to mention the notion that Sheen had that she’d swiped a $165,000 watch of his.

Charlie promptly went about venting his fist-shaped spleen on everything in his hotel room while hammered and naked. He was later hospitalized.

Anderson later said that Sheen had grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, which despite being thrilling like fiction, was denied by the ‘actor’.

However, everyone is walking away from the lawsuit now, hopefully because Capri is threatening to spill the beans on something that she knows about Charlie which is really really really damning and weird. We hope its that because, inevitably, she’ll come out and talk about it anyway.

Meanwhile, the show that Sheen starred in at the time – Two and a Half Men – is definitely severing ties with Sheenola. Basically, the writers are going to kill Charlie.

We’re hoping he drives a car off a cliff, just like the way Sheen did in real life not that long ago. Or indeed, if the killing-off is based on reality, it’d be great if a chandelier took its revenge on Sheen’s character by kicking him senseless toward a tiger cage where the actor will learn first hand about ‘Tiger Blood’.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Big Brother has always split the UK into two camps: Those that don’t like it and those that don’t watch it. And now that (Channel) Five have gone and bought it, many of us will wearily switch on our sets just to get angry for an hour every night.

And like the Big Brothers that came before it, this one has the usual ragtag of celebrities being linked to it before it airs.

The biggest name attached is Charlie Sheen, who was of interest some months ago because it looked like he was going to kill himself with his own madness. The whole world went on some kind of post-modern suicide watch, egging him on toward death, failing to show the required remorse until he actually joined the choir invisible. Alas, he went and fixed himself and went back to being a boring nobody. However, there is hope. We’ll use Michael Barrymore as our guide.

Thanks to the death of a certain Mr Lubbock in Barrymore’s swimming pool, he retreated away from the glare of the spotlight until he made his return to television in the Big Brother house.

Barrymore revealed himself to be a fragile, broken and at times, deeply unpleasant trainwreck of a man. It made for grim, fascinating viewing (especially the sparring matches with George ‘Pussy’ Galloway).

While some viewed it aghast, most people simply tuned and went ‘Hur hur, he’s a nutter’. This is the card now being played with Charlie Sheen.

See, Barrymore was off the sauce as is Sheeno (well, not the sauce, but rather, the expensive cocaine delivered by the suitcase load), which means we could well see someone unravelling before our eyes. Again.

And the ex-Two and a Half Men’er is understood to have agreed terms which will see him getting £6million to simply be himself and go slightly mad.

He could well be joined by The Only Way Is Essex skidmark Amy Childs, boxer Ricky Hatton and… wait for it…  the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.

Of course, there’s nothing confirmed yet apart from the likelihood that millions will tune in for Big Brother on the opening night before sloping away en-masse to do something entirely different.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.

Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.

Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.

A while back, Denise Richards wanted new boobs. So she packed herself off to the surgeon and guess what?! He went and gave her even bigger boobs! How astonishing!

She says:

“I was getting ready to film ‘Wild Things,’ and I didn’t want to get into a lawsuit with some plastic surgeon. It wasn’t right what the doctor did, but it is what it is.”

And so, she went and got a third boob job to sort them out. This was all a harrowing experience right? WRONG! That’s because she took her newer breasticles and wapped ‘em out in Playboy. Apart from the money and clearly being incredibly needy of attention, why would she do such a thing?

“I wanted to encourage women that it’s OK to embrace your sexuality even though you’re a mom. At the same time, I was having some problems in my marriage [to Charlie Sheen] and I didn’t feel sexy and felt I had to prove something.”

So remember kids: If you’re feeling unsexy, the best course of action is to flash everyone, okay? Good. Even if it is spurred on by being rejected by that dead-eyed bloke from Hot Shots. But no matter, because you can always have a lesbian affair with a famous woman.

“I’m going to name everyone in Hollywood! You would know who she is.”

“I just met her through friends and work and stuff… I was just curious. We were curious. We wanted to see… she was a girly-girl. She’s beautiful. She was more the aggressor.”

If you stick your head out of the window, close your eyes and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the sound of hundred of young men thudding to their knees in their sticky bedrooms.

You’re welcome.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Apart from the fact Charlie Sheen is a dead-eyed berk with a bizarrely high opinion of himself and a nose that can really handle corrosive high grade drugs, willing to sniff out furniture to punch and women to upset, why on Earth would his former lover, Bree Olson, want to leave him?

She didn’t feel comfortable sharing him with his other girlfriend.

That’s right! The former Two and a Half Men set up this little bubble for himself where he got to have two girlfriends at once. An open relationship in other words. Of course, he couldn’t let it go without meme-ing it, titling the girls his ‘goddesses’. And so porn star Olson and nanny Natalie Kenly became his unit… and the porn star decided she didn’t like the idea of Sheen having sex with someone else. Crikey.

It seems that Olson, who has a lot of sex with people for money, didn’t like the thought of sharing her life with a man who wanted to have sex with someone else.

She says:

“His assistant said, ‘So you know about Natty (Kenly), right? Charlie did tell you about Natty?’ I had no idea. When I got to the house my jaw dropped. I was like, ‘Wow. This is his girlfriend. This is so weird.’ Charlie said, ‘Now all three of us can be together.’ I was like, ‘Wow. OK. Let’s see how this goes’…”

Of course, the way it went was seething jealousy.

“She (Kenly) would spend the whole time fighting for attention and boast about things she had done like cleaning the dishes. She would get very upset and she would cry a lot… I would never try it again – with two girls and one guy in a relationship. However cool a girl tries to say she is about it, jealousy is a natural human reaction.”

While this all seems very plausible, one must ponder that, a relationship like this may well work a treat… provided that there is a complete absence of Charlie Sheen in it.

Hooting simpletons and the emotional requirement for a successful relationship rarely work. Especially those revolving around cocaine and shouting TIGER BLOOD at everyone.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Brooke Mueller, a woman who was daft enough to have children with Charlie Sheen and rather fond of crack-pipes, may well be thinking of getting back with the former Two And A Half Men chump (once the divorce goes through, confusingly enough), but that doesn’t mean she has to be nice to people on planes.

Mueller got into a spot of bother with the crew of a United jet from L.A. to Cancun (where, we’re told, the crack is AMAZING) and ended up exiting a flight early.

Sadly, she didn’t open the door mid-flight and end up sucking all the passengers out of the plane til there was nothing left but screaming specks on the horizon.

Sources say that Brooke wasm kicking up a stink while sat on a plane, which is exactly what everyone needs before a flight takes off… palms sweating… nervous about being so high in the sky… certain that you’re about to die in a massive fireball into the sea… certain death.

Ahem.

As this particular flying death trap was about to tootle away from the gate, Brooke decided to tell everyone how nauseous she felt. Withdrawal symptoms or remembering Charlie Sheen naked? You decide. Anyway, said she needed to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant told her to sit her sorry behind down.

That’s when things got a little heated.

Brooke insisted on telling everyone that she needed to puke (nice) and, hilariously, the flight attendant abruptly replied with:

“Tough.”

Mueller went nuts and demanded that they let her get off the plane. The crew were all too happy to chuck the mental witch onto the tarmac.

A witness says:

“[Brooke was] belligerent and cussing out the flight attendant”

That said, as irritating as Mueller clearly is, at least she’s not a crying baby. Sadly, there is still no law which allows us to throw those defecating, wailing ogres out of windows at thousands of feet.

Ah well.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Hey! You know how we thought that Charlie Sheen had gone boring and stopped taking all those lovely, mind-wrecking Class A drugs? Well, we might be in with a bit of luck here because it seems that he’s planning on consuming a lot more, which means he might go mental and die!

See, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have been piddling about with a custody agreement concerning some kids that no-one really gives two hoots about… and in this agreement, both have agreed that neither of this depressing duo should have to undergo random drug tests. Or organised drug tests. Or whatever other find of invasive, eye-watering drug tests there may be.

So are they both planning on being absolute drug wrecks, for the sake of their children? Well, mommy and daddy are awfully dull when they’re not throwing up their fix from the crackpipe or filled to the lid on coke while berating a chandelier.

The trustworthy source that is TMZ (stop laughing – they told us Michael Jackson had joined the invisible choir before anyone else did, so they MUST tell the truth) reported that Brooke was photographed last week, caressing what appeared to be a crack pipe.

They also saw her parked up in a dodgy part of Hawaii (the kind of place Dog The Bounty Hunter likes to run at speed, wind flowing through his acrylic hair), parked up in a car with cash in hand.

And of course, Sheeno is a rehab veteran who likes nothing more than tooting so much drugstuff that his blood becomes thinner than starved mop.

Through all this, we have some little kids who must be thrilled because, with each homewrecking activity, there’ll be the inevitable guilt and hollow apology where they’ll be showered with clammy-affection and gifts.

It really is win-win.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Detroit’s hilariously thick hip hop mongrels, Insane Clown Posse, have been booking hard for their 12th annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival. Beautifully, Charlie Sheen has been booked for the show and it will almost certainly end in tears.

You’re probably thinking ‘Charlie Sheen isn’t the monumental balls-up he once was. It’ll pass without incident, apart from contrived ones. Next!’ But wait! See, this isn’t about Sheen. This is about Juggalos.

Fact is, they don’t much like people. They’re all misunderstood and… well… like lobbing stuff at people’s heads. Remember Tila Tequila’s performance at the Juggafest? No? Well, she was hammered with rocks during her performance last year, leaving her bloodied and battered. There were pictures of her wounds online and everyone didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so ended up doing a mixture of both with a disaffected shrug thrown in because no-one actually died.

Tequila went about slagging off all the Juggalos, writing:

“The people at Juggalos behavior was disgusting and I am filing a suit against Them now … Pretty soon the owners who run the Juggalos will be bankrupt. My attorney is already on it. This is disgusting behavior from men.”

So can we assume that acts like Busta Rhymes, Lil Jon and Flavor Flav will be welcomed with open arms, leaving Charlie Sheen to be target practice? Probably. Likely in fact.

These tattooed stoners, drunk on grain will be warmed up by rap and peaking just as Sheeno sets foot onstage. He may as well have a target drawn on his chest… unless of course, they’ve welcomed him to their bosom as they identify with him as a brother fuck-up in arms.

God forbid that Sheen should answer the ICP’s most potent question:

“Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”

So what does Sheen have to say?

“Heading to the Insane Clown Posse’s 12th Annual Gathering Of The Juggalos!! 8/13/11 WHY..? Cause I’m down with the clown. Whoop!! Whoop!!”

Oh dear. We’ll start writing the obituary now sonny Jim…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!