It’s difficult to imagine, but the life of Beth Ditto – who, because we’re such hideously clever dicks at hecklerspray, we will hereafter refer to as Beth Beth – is not just one long procession of standing in the way of Kate Moss, ripping all her clothes off whenever a glance is thrown in her direction, and sitting atop winged horses, helmet-horns glinting in the furious fires of Valhalla, scattering mortals with the power of her demonic screams.

Sometimes she finds room in that busy schedule for kicking back, relaxing, chucking on her neon-pink skintight onesie leisurewear, curling up with a classic of gothic literature, and squeezing her brain tightly until opinions form like diamonds in a bleak mountainside.

And even better, she then tells us about it! She really is the honking gift that just keeps honking, and won’t stop till our ears actually start bleeding!

So, if you’re ready, let’s all sit down to GCSE English with Beth Beth and the NME:

The Gossip front woman – who shot to fame in 2006 thanks to the success of the band’s breakthrough record, Standing in The Way of Control – says that Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray changed her perspective on vanity.

Look at us, Beth Beth. Look at us. We’re literally on the edge of our seats here. There is nothing you could say now that would disappoint. We can’t help but feel we’re on the verge of a major re-examination of Wilde’s only novel, reflected off the lipstick-scrawled, chipped mirror of Riot Grrl politics.

Enlighten us!

“I’d never really thought about the motives of doing things for other people,” she told NME magazine. “You don’t really realise it but you do things to make yourself feel better, not the other person. It’s like a kind of vanity. It really changed the way I thought of charity.”

WHAT?!

OK, let’s all just calm down a moment and take all that in. You can say many things about hecklerspray. You can say we’re mean, we’re snarky, or we’re uneducated screw-ups who haven’t even read The Picture Of Dorian Grey but are pretty sure it’s something about the duality of the human soul and the ultimate destruction of a life lived in guilt-free hedonism, or whatever. You can even say we’re unnaturally obsessed with celebrities making boneheaded and obvious comments in an attempt to make themselves look intelligent and well-read when they should just stick to their natural areas of expertise; for example, squawking like a dying swan while in the background someone has a convulsive fit in the vague direction of a drumkit. But let it not be said that we will not stand up and roundly applaud instances of fierce, original thinking.

And let it not be said that we’re applauding now, cos we’re not.

If you want more pearls of wisdom from the boundless intellect of Beth Beth, you need not wait much longer, as she will soon be releasing an autobiography which, she promises from the bottom of her hard-working heart, will contain “things that seriously shock the crap out of everyone – things that’s going to make people forget about me eating squirrels. Totally eclipse it.” Look forward to the bit about when she got to the end of the Very Hungry Caterpillar and it really made her change the way she thought about how caterpillars turned into butterflies, because you don’t realise it, but caterpillars actually do turn into butterflies. Wow!

Next week on GCSE English With The Stars, Dappy from N-Dubz explains how the sexual politics of Taming Of The Shrew inspires all his lyrics, because he once saw 10 Things I Hate About You and got a boner while watching Julia Stiles. Join us then.

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Before we even start talking about Beth Ditto, let us just point something out to everyone – there is no correct size to be if you’re a human being. Okay? People who make an issue out of their, or anyone else’s weight, is an unrelenting dick. Okay? Okay.

Unrelenting dick, Beth Ditto, continues to see herself as some kind of political activist for people who aren’t thin, hitting out at imagined critics who she assumes are sniggering under their breath at her, taunting her and calling her a big fat twat.

With the spotlight well and truly taken off her band, The Gossip, and now glued into place on stomach, Ditto has howled in anguish about people who assume thin women are automatically healthier.

Most people listen to music and basically decide whether they like it or not. People love Mama Cass’ voice without worrying about her weight or deadness. Same goes for Elvis and Demis Roussos… although, with the latter, only mental people like his music.

And so, our pop stars assume that they need to be more than just performing monkeys, available to dance around for us when we stick a coin in the jukebox. Because they don’t have proper jobs, they hole themselves up, imagining what invented detractors might be saying about them, allowing their own fears to come seeping out of their mouth-holes.

Bono feels guilty for being rich, so parps on about charity. Kanye feels bad that he’s so astonishingly vain, and tweets endlessly about Taylor Swift. And so, Beth Ditto rattles around her house filled with celery and stamps her feet at the imagined accusations of those calling her a whale.

What’s this about celery?

Indeed. Ditto has revealed that she eats healthily, despite being overweight, and that she finds constantly defending her lifestyle ‘tiring’.

Speaking to Fearne Cotton on Radio 1 (which must have been even more tiring), she explained:

“I’m not an unhealthy person and I feel like one of the most tiring parts of being fat and being proud of it is you do a lot of proving yourself all the time.”

“It’s really interesting to me that people will look at a thin person and go, ‘That’s a healthy person’. I want to go, ‘Come open my refrigerator and look and then let’s talk about what you think is so bad’.”

See? Is there honestly a human on Earth who would go up to one of their friends and point at a thin person to discuss how healthy they are? In our experience, womenfolk are more prone to slagging someone off for their dress-sense or for having a partner that is deemed too attractive for them.

She added:

“To be thin and to stay really thin, some people literally do coke all the time. Some people smoke cigarettes instead of eating. That’s crazy. But that’s ‘okay’ because you look healthier.”

Some thin people do coke to stay thin and some fat people eat nothing but shite to stay fat… blah blah blah… yadda yadda yadda.

Do us a favour Beth? Stick to making records. If someone asks you about your weight, punch them in the mouth – especially if it happens to be Fearne Cotton. She’ll still call you ‘legendary’ either way.

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The day the forces of the undead and the deaddead join together in an unholy union has arrived. Live in fear, peons.

For you see, the recently (the other year) died-but-didn’t Amy Winehouse has been haunted by the ghost of the recently (the other month) died-but-did Michael Jackson.

But why did Jackson visit her, of all people? Why, to warn her of the dangers of drugs, obviously.

It would seem his spirit learned faster than his body did.

Following on from the life-changing news that Amy Winehouse (“nearly”) died in her ex-husband’s arms we were all fooled into believing it was Blake Fielder-Civil‘s advice that weaned her off the smackjuice.

How foolish we were to believe such a half-plausible thought.

No, it was actually Winehouse’s visit to a spirit medium during her self-imposed exile in the Caribbean that prompted her to really kick the habit.

According to a friend – the most reliable of sources, as we all know – and reported through the paper-we-didn’t-even-realise-was-still-going The People:

“She heard Michael’s voice telling her if she didn’t sort herself out she’d lose everything.”

Good advice from the deceased King of Pop, no doubt, but it does raise a couple of issues.

Firstly – Michael Jackson only died last month, and Amy Winehouse was away trying to sort herself for about a year. What this means is she was most likely doing a very poor job, having to not only wait until someone famous died, but also that they chose to come to her and instruct her to stop being a prat.

Secondly – it would seem like a bit of confusion from both parties in assuming an addiction to heroin and crack is the same as (an alleged) one to prescription painkillers. One is the result of psychological issues brought about by a physically and mentally scarring event in earlier life, whereas the other is the behaviour of a massive wanker. We’ll let you decide which is which.

It’s hard to actually accept this as anything but the insane ramblings of a few morons wanting to fill column inches (hello!), and some may argue that the world of spirits, mediums and hocus pocus is nothing but nonsensical garbage. Again though, we’ll let you decide what to think about Amy Winehouse‘s St Lucian adventure.

Nevertheless, it’s good to see the ghost of Jacko taking up a role in public speaking – we reckon he’ll really be able to heal the world from beyond the grave.

If you were Elvis, and you were dead but all these fantastic songs kept popping into your head and you just had to let the public hear them, you’d probably possess the body of your chunky daughter to get the job done.

And while you inhabited that body you’d probably use its hands to wipe away all the sweat you didn’t know your little girl had to deal with every time she ate. Like father like daughter.

When you weren’t wiping away the sweat, though, you’d use her hands to record the most incredible music the world has ever known. hecklerspray‘s theory is that this is where we got Lisa Marie’s two solo records from. That’s why they’re written so impeccably from the perspective of someone who died from a severe over-consumption of hotdogs and chocolate cake. Think about it.

But speaking of Elvis’ ghost – Lisa Marie still speaks to Elvis’ ghost. Isn’t that interesting? We have their recent summed up conversation for you on the next page.

Lisa Marie Presley had some beautiful kids recently. She pushed them out of her butt, and lo and behold they were twins! Moments like that are probably enough to make her wish he poor dad was still alive to meet them.

Lucky for her, then, that there was a medium somewhere completely willing and able to get paid to contact Elvis on the other side to arrange for a formal introduction. According to the Daily Star, this is how the conversation went:

“I would know his energy anywhere and this was him, I have no doubt. Not only was it his voice, but I could also feel the exact same love that he gave me when I was a little girl. It was so overwhelming that I started to cry.

“The medium comforted me with his words by telling me he was proud of me, the babies were beautiful, he’s doing just fine on the other side, he watches over me. After I sort of got acclimatised to all this and dried my eyes, we had this amazing talk. The most comforting thing he told me is that even though he’s not here physically any more, he is still with me and he’ll watch over the babies too.”

Now we know what you’re thinking, but Presley Jr isn’t just some sucker. She didn’t walk in there ready to accept any ‘Elvis’ communication as being straight from dear old dad. She had some tests ready so the medium would be able to prove absolutely everything she said. Allegedly.

From what we gather the tests involves Lisa sitting in another room stabbing various foods to death and seeing if Elvis could identify them on the other side. He answered twinkies across the board, so his daughter knew what she was hearing was true. She knew she was talking to her father.

What a very special moment that must have been for everybody involved.