What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.

What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!

Like many people, our one dream in life is to witness a triathlon completed by at least two members of the principle cast of 2001 romantic comedy The Wedding Planner. So imagine how infuriated we were yesterday when we realised that we were missing that exact thing. Infuriated enough to draw an angry face in our own poo on the wall of a public toilet, that’s how infuriated.

That’s because yesterday saw the Nautica Malibu Triathlon take place in, um, Malibu. And given that Malibu is where all the famous people live, it was only natural to see both Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez take part in it.

We’re going to basically ignore Matthew McConaughey – because, hey, why break the habit of a lifetime – and concentrate on Jennifer Lopez. Although fit enough to take part in a triathlon, thanks to her extensive training as a dancer and the way she’s deftly evaded Heather Mills and her vivisection roadshow for all these years, we shouldn’t forget that Jennifer Lopez has only just given birth to twins.

Talk about battling the odds. By rights Jennifer Lopez shouldn’t have come anywhere near completing the triathlon, given the physical and mental toll of childbirth alongside the fact that she has precisely the wrong body-shape for triathlons, thanks to her arse being so big that it a) drags along the ground during the running part, b) makes swimming feel like you’re dragging 17 tons of polystyrene behind you in a net tied to your colon and c) keeps getting snarled up in your back spokes.

But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez managed to finish the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in what we’re told is the fairly respectable time of just under two and a half hours. People reports:

The singer-actress was cheered on from the sidelines by husband Marc Anthony, who escorted her to a VIP area with his arm securely around her after she crossed the finish line, exhausted, but with her fists pumped in victory.

So congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, and double congratulations to her newborn twins. Now, when they’re old enough to go to school, they’ll be able to able to look their classmates in the eye and say that not only is their mother a world-famous singer and actress but also in the absolute peak of her physical condition.

And we’re sure that’s bound to make up for the fact that for the first six months of their lives Jennifer Lopez was probably too busy running around in circles and twatting around on a pushbike to notice they even existed, and that nursing on her teat must have been like trying to suck water out of a mound of powdered ash because of it. We expect.

Not if you’re a surfer. Surfers see Matthew McConaughey as their hero, their dim mahogany idol. And if you mess with Matthew McConaughey you mess with the entire surfer community, as a group of paparazzi found out in June when the surfers rounded on them for taking pictures of McConaughey and shoved them around a bit.

Now two surfers have been charged for the McConaughey paparazzi flare-up. But that’s not important. What’s important are the names of the people involved in the scuffle, because they’re so stupid it’s impossible not to find the whole thing hilarious. Spoiler alert – one of them’s called Skylar.

There’s been a long history of tribal conflicts on beaches – Vikings Vs Saxons, Mods Vs Rockers, Nazis Vs Non-Nazis, whoever it was in the last scene of The Warriors – but none have been quite as upsetting as the Surfers Vs Paparazzi Malibu beach clash of June 2008.

It was an epic battle the likes of which Malibu residents haven’t seen since someone gave Mel Gibson a bottle of tequila and a photo of Woody Allen two years ago. It was the sort of day that witnesses will one eventually tell their children about – the day that some photographers strolled onto a beach and started talking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, and only stopped when some surfers sort of started effetely pushing them around and whooping and whatnot.

Worst of all were the harrowing, primal exchanges between the surfers and the paparazzi, which will chill our very souls until the day we die. Exchanges like:

Surfer: “Get a job!”

Paparazzo: “This is a job, what do you do?”

Surfer: “I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!”

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that two surfers have been charged with this incident, getting hit with one misdemenour count of battery each. One of the surfers is called Philip John Hildebrand, which is fine, but the other one is called Skylar Martin Peak. Skylar, for christ’s sake. No wonder he’s so angry.

And don’t think we’re letting the paparazzi off either. The photographer who Skylar and Skylar’s friend attacked was called Richid Altmbareckouhammou, which is less of a name and more of the noise you make when you’re tickling an adorable puppy’s tum-tum. Reuters reports:

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

We’re sure Skylar and Skylar’s friend feel pretty crap about the possibility of spending six months in jail. Worse still – it’s six months in jail for protecting Matthew McConaughey.

Seriously, if Skylar and Skylar’s friend do get sent down for this, they may as well just wear T-shirts reading ‘Please Bum me To Smithereens’ to save them the effort of explaining what they’re in for to their cellmates.

We say this because the placenta from the birth of his newborn son, Levi, is going to star opposite Matthew in his next romantic comedy. You see, believe it or not, Matty-boy has still not hit rock bottom. Plus, the placenta is a more interesting version of Kate Hudson for about the same price.

Okay, we made all that up. The truth is that McConaughey is going to use the placenta to fertilize a tree.

There. That’s much less retarded.

Matthew McConaughey’s an interesting dude. And by interesting, we of course mean that he’s pretty much the imperial sovereign of formulaic romantic comedies that have been scientifically proven to cause brain cell death.

He’s also interesting because he’s photographed topless with frightening regularity, and he’s named his son after a brand of jeans that the T-Birds wore when they spontaneously burst into song and dance like.

But there’s a whole new bag of crazy out there that rightfully belongs to Matty. And it’s filled with his newborn son’s placenta. You see, in a recent interview with CNN, Matthew told a very confused and grossed-out world that he not only has kept the placenta, but he plans to plant it so it will help brings forth some delicious fruit. Seriously, he did. You can’t make this junk up. Matthew McConaughey told CNN:

“It’s going to bear some wonderful fruit. When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river. It was gorgeous. All the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it.”

Know who our heart really goes out to? The poor hospital worker that Matt turned to and said, “Alright, alright, alright. Can y’all bag up that slimy, bloody mess for me so I can take it home and plant it my neighbour’s yard?”

How does one pack up a placenta, anyway? Is there a special placenta transport and storage bag for the placenta, or do they just slap in into some Tupperware and throw it in the freezer with the label ‘Afterbirth: 7/07. Do not eat. Not Nana’s homemade fruit preserves’.

Anyway, good luck to Matthew McConaughey and his innovative gardening endeavours. We also would like to thank him for giving us the opportunity to set the record for typing the word placenta the most times ever in a hecklerspray post. And if you’re a regular reader, you’ll appreciate that this was no easy feat, although the absence of our dear editor evens the playing field significantly in that regard.

But it’s OK – Matthew McConaughey isn’t like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son – Levi Alves McConaughey – after his favourite character in the Bible.

By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure – an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?

Matthew McConaughey has always enjoyed the simple things in life, like surfing and bongo-playing and magically being able to reverse the advanced stages of male pattern baldness at will, so it’s only right that any child of his should be given a name that’s equally simple.

As it just so happens, Matthew McConaughey became a father for the first time earlier this week, and he had just the name ready to bestow upon the baby – Levi.

It’s the perfect name, and not just because it’s an actual name instead of a Countdown-style random series of consonants and vowels – yes, Shiloh Nouvel, we’re looking at you.

Little Levi Alves McConaughey has been blessed with a name packed with meaning and history and hope, for Levi was the grandfather of Moses, the founder of the Israelite tribe of Levi and, later, the man who invented Reggae Reggae Sauce.

Most of all, though, by calling his son Levi, Matthew McConaughey hasn’t succumbed to that uncomfortably egotistical celebrity habit of naming their children after themselves. Which is most certainly a good thing, because that would have made Matthew McConaughey an uncontrollable dick. Matthew explained to OK! magazine:

“Levi was another name for the apostle Matthew in The Bible. They were, in fact, two names for the same person. Our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular time represents my favorite verse in the book of Matthew in The Bible: ‘If thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light.’”

Wait a minute – Matthew McConaughey has named his son after himself, but in a slightly clever way! What a dick!

Oh, we’re just kidding, sort of. It’s nice that Matthew McConaughey has found such a deeply spiritual meaning to his son’s birth, and it should be seen as an act of destiny that young Levi was born at 6:22pm – one minute later and his birth time would have represented the verse Matthew 6:23, which reads “And lo, I done a guff in a lift and everyone was like ‘Cor that stinks, who did that?’ and I was like ‘Shut up if you think it’s me, you massive gang of wankers’ even though it was me. I am well nang.” A fortunate escape.

We’re only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them.

Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey’s right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his – when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating “Waaah waaah” noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.

Matthew McConaughey is the man that all men want to be and all women want to be with, although that’s just so that the women can kick him in the testicles and the men can maim themselves in industrial bread slicers as revenge for Fool’s Gold.

But now’s not the time to start criticising Matthew McConaughey, because he’s got to start making derivative, creatively bankrupt romantic comedies for two now – he’s had a little baby boy.

Well, OK, Matthew McConaughey hasn’t literally had a little baby boy – he didn’t crap a living human being out of his bum or anything – although you could be forgiven for thinking that, given how pleased with himself Matthew seems in the statement he’s released announcing the birth:

“A healthy baby boy was born. Camila and I were side by side the entire time. We are both tired and elated, and are so happy to have created the greatest miracle in the world—Having a child and making a family. Now comes the greatest adventure—raising one, together.”

Oh well done Matthew McConaughey. You managed to stand next to your girlfriend the entire time that she was red-faced and screaming and trying to push a watermelon-sized living creature out of her fanny. You didn’t once rush off to participate in some vaguely homoerotic-looking extreme sports with Lance Armstrong? My, you are a clever boy – would you like us to find you a medal?

Matthew McConaughey hasn’t revealed the name of his baby son yet, but we’re sure that whatever he’s called, the boy will grow up to be just like his father. Maybe he’ll even exceed his father and one day make a film that we’ll be able to sit all the way through without drugging ourselves into unconsciousness just to escape the constant sensation of despair it creates, who knows?

Oh we’re just kidding, Matthew. We’re very happy for you. Don’t set the surfers on us.

And that, people, is because you're not surfers. Surfers, you see, love Matthew McConaughey. To them, he's like a shining example of what a surfer can become with nothing more than a handful of abnormally dreadful romcom scripts, some sort of baldness-reversing procedure and a string of girlfriends who don't really seem all that convincing.

And that's why, when a crowd of surfers saw a paparazzo taking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, they apparently beat him up and threw him into the sea. Proof, if proof was needed, that Fool's Gold might actually seem good if you've smacked yourself in the head with resin-coated Polyurethane enough times.

Everyone knows that the biggest plague affecting celebrities today is the paparazzi. They're always there, sneaking around, secretly validating the celebrity's overinflated sense of self-worth and simultaneously acting as impromptu carpark wrestling partners at the drop of a hat. Urgh, they make us sick.

Especially since it's not just big stars who get hounded by the paparazzi. Really crap stars who've never made a movie you've willingly paid to see are also plagued by them too, by which we obviously mean Matthew McConaughey and nobody else.

Sure, Matthew McConaughey might have, on occasion, done the odd thing to prompt the curiosity of the paparazzi – like not being gay and nothing else – but that doesn't mean that people can go around taking photos of him whenever they want to. And if they do, they'll have to be prepared to incur the wrath of a handful of soggy topless men who all speak like Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Which is to say that a bunch of surfers basically attacked a photographer for looking at Matthew McConaughey this weekend. The Los Angeles Times reports:

A paparazzo trying to photograph and videotape actor Matthew McConaughey at the beach Saturday told police he was attacked by a mob of surfers. "They formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said they didn't want him to film," said Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "They got into an argument, and he indicated that he received injuries." 

TMZ has got a video of the incident, which is worth watching for this exchange alone:

Surfer: "Get a job!"

Paparazzo: "This is a job, what do you do?"

Surfer: "I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!"

Seriously, Matthew McConaughey, a paparazzo and a gang of deeply unpleasant-seeming surfers, and not a single frenzied attack by a swarm of maneating seals. We're disappointed in you, seals. No wonder you get clubbed so much.

So are we, but until a drunk David Hasselhoff is videotaped eating a hamburger on the floor, or Paris Hilton pees in the back of another cab, babies is all we got.

The latest baby announcement comes from Matthew McConaughey, who announced on his website that his girlfriend Camila Alves is pregnant. It’s nice to see Matthew found something productive to do besides being shirtless all the time. 

Yes, Matthew McConaughey, a man who likes to make romantic comedies that test the limits of our gag reflex, be tanned, and apparently have some sort of ban against wearing a shirt, is going to be a daddy. He’s been dating Brazilian model Camila Alves for over a year now, which puts him behind the pack in celebrity years.

He should have already proposed to Camila on the Eiffel Tower, had a Scientology person follow Camila around constantly, had the baby, and kept it in hiding for several months already.

Matthew McConaughey made the announcement on his website, as he stunned us all with his accurate account of how the miracle of life came about. It doesn’t sound hick or redneck at all:

"My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together. It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far."

That’s precious, Matt. And he seems to be well past the failed birth control ranting phase as he continues to share his elation:

“We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life."

There you have it folks. Two major announcements in one. Matthew McConaughey is going to have a baby, and Matthew McConaughey is going to become a shepherd. Hey, whatever keeps him from making movies with Kate Hudson and that dude, Sarah Jessica Parker.

Read more: 

Matthew McConaughey: I'm Going To Be a Dad - People