You may have read that Matt Damon died recently during a hunt for lost Mexican gold in the desert. Well, guess what?

He didn’t. Matt Damon is still alive. It’s shocking, we know. All the parts of the story seemed to add up – Matt Damon does look like the sort of person who’ll eventually end up dying, and his thirst for perilous Indiana Jones-style archaeological adventures is what people love him best for – but it was all a lie.

In fact, instead of dying in horrible circumstances, Matt Damon went to Italy. So at least the rumours were close.

It used to be that you weren’t anyone in Hollywood unless you had an impractically large entourage. And then it used to be that you weren’t anyone in Hollywood unless your face had been injected with whatever poison happens to make you most closely resemble a gender-nonspecific shop mannequin that appears to be constantly appalled by a vaguely noxious smell. And now you’re not anyone in Hollywood unless someone has created a spurious internet death hoax about you.

And if that’s the case, it’s time to welcome Matt Damon into the big boy’s club. That’s right – following the wildly successful Jeff Goldblum and Britney Spears internet death hoaxes, Matt Damon yesterday became the latest celebrity to shock about six idiots on the internet for less than a minute after it was reported that he’d died.

It didn’t take long for the reports to spread across the internet, though, and that’s probably for two reasons. First, the reports had a definite ring of truth about them. Here’s how trustworthy news source A Pakistan News broke the news:

According to TMZ’s web site, Damon, who was officially reported missing Friday, was on a camping trip. His body was found by an Imperial County Sheriff’s Department deputy on Wednesday. The cause of death is unknown… On his personal blog, Damon wrote last month he was going to the desert because of his friends talking about “treasure hunting and lost gold, and my own insatiable appetite for adventure and exploration.”

Incidentally, the A Pakistan News story is so convincing that – and this is completely true – it prints a statement from Matt Damon’s manager where he briefly stops mourning his client to recite the theme-tune to the Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. It’s what any of us would do in his position.

So, yeah, that’s the first reason why so many people bought the rumour of Matt Damon dying. The second reason is that everyone on the internet is an idiot.

But let’s focus on the good news. Matt Damon isn’t dead – he’s just in Italy promoting a new movie. And, speaking personally, we’re thrilled that Matt Damon is still in the land of the living. Because if Matt Damon dies, the prospect of there ever being a Stuck On You 2 dies with him. And sometimes that’s the only thing that bloody well keeps us going.

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That’s right – although The Bourne Ultimatum seemed to end with a satisfyingly piece of trilogy closure, you can now be pretty sure it didn’t. Bourne 4 is on the way and there’s nothing anybody can do about it.

Best of all, Bourne 4 will be the first Bourne film not to be based on a Robert Ludlum novel. Phew, finally we won’t have to worry about plot or character development or anything – just endless scenes of Matt Damon jumping across buildings and arbitrarily punching people while being filmed by what appears to be a drunk Parkinson’s sufferer trying to operate a pneumatic drill on a trampoline on a boat in a storm. Perfect.

Probably the most overwhelming thing about the new James Bond movie – other than that it’s boring and a bit crap and it stars a witch – is all the comparisons to the Bourne movies it has received.

No longer is James Bond a charmingly witty man with a jetpack and an invisible car who just happens to be a spy – he’s now just an angry bloke who punches things and jumps across buildings. He’s basically Jason Bourne.

It’s this kind of influence – alongside the fact that every single new action movie has to have at least one Parkour scene in it – that has made the Bourne movies into a sensation and, confusingly, turned Matt Damon into a sex symbol.

Despite only being memorable because it featured a train station we go to a lot and a spectacular set of sideburns, The Bourne Ultimatum was a giant hit at the box office – so much so that Universal has ditched its plan to keep Bourne as a trilogy and instead opted to keep banging the buggers out until the thought of another Bourne movie makes people physically ill. MSNBC reports:

Universal will produce a fourth installment in the popular “The Bourne Identity” franchise. Damon will return as superspy Jason Bourne, and Paul Greengrass (who directed “The Bourne Ultimatum” and “The Bourne Supremacy”) is also on board for the new film. While the previous three “Bourne” movies have been based on the novels by Robert Ludlum, the latest chapter will be an original story.

We don’t envy whoever’s tasked with writing Bourne 4, because the script will somehow need to get around the fact that at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon uncovered all the secrets of his past, vowed to change and actually said the words “I am no longer Jason Bourne.”

So, in the spirit of fairness, we’d like to share three options that we think could reverse Bourne 4 out of the dead-end it has obviously found itself in…

1) After jumping into the East River at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum, Jason Bourne bangs his head on a fish and loses his memory all over again. Title – The Bourne Misfortune.

2) Even though the conspiracy over his identity reaches all the way to the highest echelons of the US government, Jason Bourne soon finds out that it goes even further, so he travels to heaven to have a shaky-camera fistfight with God. Title – The Bourne Divinity.

3) After saying “I am no longer Jason Bourne” at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum, Jason Bourne realises that, actually, his passport, driving license, bank account, gym membership and National Trust patronage card all bear the name Jason Bourne and decides that he can’t really be arsed to go through all the rigmarole of changing them back to his original name. Title - The Bourne Kerfuffle.

Once again Universal, you’re welcome.

Matt Damon has all the characteristics of a great spiritual leader – he’s thoughtful, looks OK in tight T-shirts and his head is the exact dimension of a family-sized box of cornflakes. We need Matt Damon now more than ever, so we’re immensely grateful that he’s decided to tell us all what to think about Sarah Palin.

According to Matt Damon, Sarah Palin is ‘terrifying’, ’scary’, ‘absurd’ and a ‘disaster’ should she ever become president. Some might question Matt Damon’s qualifications to publicly broadcast his ideological views to the world like this, but don’t forget that he did star in a funny movie about a hilarious pair of co-joined twins once, and that’s roughly the equivalent of having a PhD in political science. Video after the jump.

When it comes to vice presidential candidates, there really isn’t any stopping Sarah Palin at the moment. A prettyish, straight-talking redneck with an illegitimate grandkid on the way who enjoys shooting wolves out of aeroplanes, was once the mayor of Northern Exposure and doesn’t mind that she’s basically a cynically-chosen tool of the system to try and tempt embittered Hillary Clinton supporters to the Republican party, Sarah Palin has made much more of a splash than her Democrat counterpart Joe Biden, whose most exciting fact is that sometimes he sits inside a train.

And, because of this, celebrities have been falling over themselves to tell the world what they think of Sarah Palin. For example, Diddy’s not a fan of Sarah Palin but Jamie Lynn Spears is, although not as much as everyone initially thought.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View is already a staunch Sarah Palin supporter, calling her a “real American” even though a) if being a real American was a qualification to run for office, Hulk Hogan and the man who does the voiceover for the Coors adverts would have been president and VP since the mid-1980s and b) Elisabeth Hasselbeck has never been right about a single topic in her entire life.

Of course, none of these political endorsements and rejections of Sarah Palin meant anything, because everyone was waiting to hear what the big cheese of political opinion had to say first. But it’s OK, because Matt Damon has now emerged from his bunker of thought to intone his mighty opinion of Sarah Palin to the world.

Why should we be listening to Matt Damon’s opinion about anything? Simple, because Matt Damon is the sexiest man on Earth. That’s literally all you need to know.

So, what does Matt Damon think of Sarah Palin? Why not watch this video and find out…

Sorry, was he talking? Honestly, when Matt Damon starts getting angry we just get lost in his eyes, the big adorable lug. Wait a minute while we watch the video again and actually try to listen to what he says.

Oh, right, so he’s not a big Sarah Palin fan. Fair enough. Personally we have to disagree with Matt Damon a little – if Sarah Palin does become president, then it won’t be like a really bad Disney movie at all. It’ll be like a really brilliant Disney movie – Bambi.

You know, the story of a young and inexperienced creature learning for itself and going on to achieve greatness in the world. That’s what Disney movie it’d be. True, Sarah Palin wouldn’t be playing the role of Bambi – she’d be the hunter who kills Bambi’s mum – but that doesn’t matter.

Anyway, so that’s Hasselbeck and Spears in the pro-Palin camp and Diddy and Damon in the anti-Palin camp. Oh, we still don’t know if we like Sarah Palin or not. Quickly, someone go and call Jim Carrey. His opinion matters more than anyone’s right now.

Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice.

This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning Matt Damon is now the (presumably) proud father of three daughters, the newest one to the clan being named, in a trademark celebrity cruel-o-fashion, Gia Zavala. Oh well, at least it isn’t a new brand of carpet or anything.

Luciana Damon, Matt’s wife no less, is originally from Argentina though so there’s a possible explanation for the name there. Maybe they aren’t as cruel as we initially thought…

Nevertheless, there is a new sprog to add to the pile and surely some money to be made from the pictures that will inevitably get sold off to the highest bidder, as we all know. Unless, of course, Matt exercises some show of integrity and doesn’t force his newest daughter to become a mercenary from birth.

But we cannot judge every celebrity that decides to use their gametes to make new people with the same judging stick we use on everybody’s favourite celebs Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. For maybe – just maybe – there may be a family in the spotlight that manages to retain some semblance of normality.

One that doesn’t feel the need to adopt everyone from everywhere, join whatever fashionable religion is passing by that looks cool or sell their own children out for some quick kudos points. Like we said – maybe. As in: ‘most likely not though’.

We can live in hope. The fact that the birth of the new Damon wasn’t announced with a huge amount of fanfare can give us all some extra faith that maybe, just possibly, this may mark a new beginning in the world of celebrity births. That the kids won’t immediately be whored out. That we can look at genuine news publications without being confronted by the images of some fleshy little bags that we can’t tell apart.

This is the world we want to live in, and this is the world that Matt Damon can help to create. Hopefully.

Speaking to E! Online, Matty uttered the following – possibly while looking disheveled and scared (but still sexy), and unfortunately not covering whether or not he would be changing the world as we know it:

“I’m so outnumbered down here, it’s crazy.”

Fortunately Matt’s Bourne training can come into play if the four girls ever get out of hand. A swift book to the throat is sure to calm any rowdy family down, that’s for sure. Not that we’d condone that kind of behaviour of course, we’re merely stating a known fact.

Reports that Bono is said to be eyeing up another godfathering role are said to be grossly exaggerated. Obviously that is the point when we’d start condoning the use of Bourne-like force to stop someone in their tracks.

Wow – imagine hitting that Irish prat with a book. It would be a dream come true.

But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again. 

Matt Damon's reps haven't confirmed how far along Luciana is but that's beside the point – the point is that we're a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I'm Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.

A recent survey that Matt Damon is now officially the most successful former star of a gross-out comedy movie about cojoined twins ever. It's impossible to overstate how successful Matt Damon is – he's the most bankable star in the world, the sexiest man in the world, his humorous music videos provoke oddly homophobic retorts, his movies win Oscars even though they're all so shaky that you can't tell what's going on, and – worst of all – he seems like quite a nice chap as well.

Plus his balls work too. So that's something.

It's been revealed that Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant for the second time, which is either tremendously exciting or a bit of chore to hear about, depending on your gender and fondness for those smug Ocean's films. E! Online reports:

The Bourne Ultimatum star, 37, and his wife, Luciana, 32, are expecting their second child together, his rep, Jennifer Allen, confirmed to E! News. The announcement comes after the Damons walked the red carpet together at London's Empire Film Awards Sunday, where Luciana showed off a baby bump.

It'll be the second baby for Matt Damon and Luciana following the birth of Isabella in 2006. There's also a nine-year-old on the scene from one of Luciana's previous relationships as well.

But just how is Matt Damon's million-dollar lifestyle going to stretch to feeding three children, that's what we want to know. If Matt wants to provide properly for these children, he'll have to hunker down and work harder than ever. And you know what that means? More dreary movies that vaguely allude to the war in Iraq, that's what. Perhaps we can vasectomise him soon when he's not looking or something.

Read more: 

Matt Damon to Be a Dad Again - E! Online

Well, consider it imitated. Imitated by Sarah Silverman's boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. You see, if Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon, then in the new video Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck.

And the video is hilarious, really. Because, you know, Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck are both men, and if they're both having sex with each other then that means they're gay. And gay is funny these days, right? It's OK to laugh at gay people, because it shows you understand them. But don't let them touch you. Never let them actually touch you. Ugh. 

There's nothing worse than answer songs. You know the sort – like when Sporty Thieves tried to cash in on No Scrubs by TLC by releasing a song called No Pigeons, or when Bobby Vee sang Take Good Care Of My Baby and some opportunistic twit came up with I'll Take Good Care Of Your Baby to try and piggyback the trend to the bank. There has never been a good answer song, and you're allowed to punch people who disagree with you.

Actually, there is one thing worse than an answer song, and that's an answer song that's got Jimmy Kimmel in it. And the one thing that's worse than that is an answer song that's got Jimmy Kimmel in it and is full of breathtakingly outdated gay jokes. And the one thing worse than that is an answer song that's got Jimmy Kimmel in it and is full of breathtakingly inane gay jokes that seems to have been dreamed up by a cigar-chomping TV executive desperate to get a hit on YouTube because that's what kids like these days, right?

Which brings us neatly to I'm Fucking Ben Affleck by Jimmy Kimmel, an answer song to the still funny I'm Fucking Matt Damon song that Kimmel's girlfriend Sarah Silverman wrote for his birthday. Take a look…

Now you might see I'm Fucking Ben Affleck and think that it's nothing more than a pale imitation of I'm Fucking Matt Damon, but you're wrong. True, I'm Fucking Ben Affleck isn't very funny, but it does have more famous people in it, so that makes it better, right? Even if one of them is Robin Williams. Plus, I'm Fucking Ben Affleck is big on YouTube, which makes it easily as good as that Korean Hey Jude kid.

Actually, watch I'm Fucking Ben Affleck again. Remind you of anything? Unfunny, unoriginal, reliant on a string of mainly fictional homosexual stereotypes and a parade of slow-witted celebrity cameos? Well done Jimmy Kimmel, you've just made the best episode of Will & Grace we've never seen.

2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.

Now that he's stopped making hilarious films about the exploits of two cojoined twins, Matt Damon has started to get taken seriously. After his turn in Oscar-winner The Departed and box-office destroyer The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon has hardly put a foot wrong, aside from Ocean's Thirteen which was so awful that it made us want to smack the eyes out of our faces.

And how is Matt Damon being rewarded for his new-found megastardom? By coming first in a number of ultimately meaningless surveys, that's how. This summer Matt Damon was voted the best-value actor in all of Hollywood and now he's also been voted as the sexiest man alive by People magazine. Sexy and good value? That's like going to Lidl and seeing that their meat salad contains identifiable meat as well as actual salad instead of a just handful of Spam mixed up with  some mayonnaise like usual.

But how can Matt Damon be People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive when just last year George Clooney was given the title, as was Matthew McConaughey the year before that? Well, the truth is that they've both recently been killed. But don't mourn Clooney or McConaughey for too long, because Matt Damon is the new sexy king and by Christ does he ever want to boast about it:

"You gave an aging suburban dad the ego boost of a lifetime. My 9-year-old stepdaughter now thinks I'm cool — well, cooler. At the risk of being forward, if you asked me (which you didn't) I would suggest Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for this award. He's like a taller, better-looking version of me anyway. Plus, he's the best quarterback in the history of football."

Yeah, we're sure that Matt Damon's stepdaughter is thrilled that she gets to live with a man who's contractually obliged to spend the next 12 months preening himself like some sort of sexy peacock in every available reflective surface while living with the pain of knowing that she'll never possess any of his sexygenes.

So, anyway, congratulations to Matt Damon for being crowned the sexiest man alive. Let's hope the award doesn't go to his head and that his forthcoming movies Matt Damon's My My Aren't I Sexy and Matt Damon Sits On A Rock Staring Out To Sea Without A Top On For Two Hours don't get bogged down with his new vanity.

Who are the other men that People has slipped into its Sexiest Man Alive list? Not us, how many times do you need to be told? But, just in case you wanted to know… 

Patrick Dempsey

Ryan Reynolds

Brad Pitt

James McAvoy

Johnny Depp

Dave Annable

Will Smith

Javier Bardem

Shemar Moore

Ben Affleck

Adrian Grenier

Will Yun Lee

Justin Timberlake

Read more:

The Sexiest Man Alive – MATT DAMON - People