And that’s that he definitely knows when he’s too old for something. Like Lethal Weapon 5, for example. There had been talk that a Lethal Weapon 5 script was written and ready to go, and that everything hinged on Mel Gibson’s approval but, according to director Richard Donner, Mel Gibson wants nothing to do with it.

So that’s that – there absolutely isn’t going to be a Lethal Weapon 5. We can therefore rule Mel Gibson out of making any belated sequels to his movies from now on. Unless he got our script for What Women Want 2, that is. We think it’d be right up Mel Gibson’s alley because, in this one, the thing that women want is the extermination of the Jews.

It’s easy to be hard on Mel Gibson, for his alcoholism and his crazy views about Jewish people and the way that all his films are basically gory splatterfests that people only go and see because they’re about Jesus. But you have to admit that Mel Gibson won’t do anything for money.

Given that every action movie you loved as a youngster – and some that you didn’t love at all – has made a comeback in some form or another, attention has naturally been turning to Mel Gibson lately. He’s just got so many movies that deserve a belated sequel that one has to be made at some point – face it, you’d go and watch Mad Max 4: Beyond The Thunderdome Left At The Lights And Just Past B&Q or The Man Without A Face 2: The Man Without An Arse.

But the real hot prospect was seeing Mel Gibson star in Lethal Weapon 5. Everything was lined up – Lethal Weapon writer Shane Black had written the script and was all set to direct it. All that was needed was for Mel Gibson to give the nod and Lethal Weapon 5 would be rushed into production at the speed of light.

But it’s not to be. According to Richard Donner – the director of Lethal Weapon 1 – 4 and a man who obviously isn’t bitter at all not to be asked back – Mel Gibson isn’t having anything to do with it. The LA Times reports:

“Mel turned it down,” Donner said. “I would like to think that Mel turned it down because I wasn’t involved. Knowing Mel, I would like to think that. Would that be the kind of thing he does? It sure would be.”

In a way it’s sad that there’ll be no Lethal Weapon 5. Not because we hold any particular interest in it, but because we’re fascinated to see what it’s like. After all, Lethal Weapon was good, Lethal Weapon 2 was bad, Lethal Weapon 3 was really bad and Lethal Weapon 4 was awful. If that pattern holds then people would have had to think up a new word to describe exactly how bad Lethal Weapon 5 is.

But perhaps Mel Gibson wasn’t swayed by Richard Donner’s lack of participation in Lethal Weapon 5. Perhaps the fact that Shane Black had written in some younger characters to do all the legwork in the movie offended Mel Gibson’s sense of vitality.

Or perhaps it was the fact that Lethal Weapon-style movies just aren’t Mel Gibson’s cup of tea any more. Would Mel have given the go-ahead if Lethal Weapon 5 was about him and Danny Glover graphically torturing Joe Pesci’s eyes out in slow motion while speaking in a made-up language? Almost certainly yes.

Except Hollywood is. So much so that Joel Silver is currently trying to persuade Mel Gibson to make Lethal Weapon 5. Apparently Shane Black has had an idea for Lethal Weapon 5 that’s so amazing it’ll make Lethal Weapon 2 look like Lethal Weapon 4, and the whole thing rests on whether or not Mel Gibson wants to sign on the dotted line again.

Whatever you think of the idea, we’re actually praying that Lethal Weapon 5 does get made. After all, it’s been so long since we’ve been able to sit in the dark screaming “YOU WERE TOO OLD FOR THIS OVER TWO DECADES AGO, YOU HOPELESS GREYING TOSSWEASEL! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT JUST STOPPING? WELL, HAVE YOU?” at a projected image on a screen.

Bruce, Sly, Harrison and now possibly Arnie. That adds up to elderly revisits of Die Hard, Rocky, Rambo, Indiana Jones and Predator. That’s enough, surely.

Ah, we’re just kidding. That’s never enough. In fact, we’ve vowed not to stop until Steven Seagal decides to make our new script for Under Siege 3: What Are Terrorists Doing Hijacking A Stairlift? And Come To Think Of It, Why Does A Stairlift Require An Ex-Navy SEAL Professional Chef Anyway? but that’s for another time.

While we wait for that to happen, though, at least we’ll have Lethal Weapon 5 to look forward to. According to reports, genuine worst film ever Lethal Weapon 4 left so many questions unanswered – like ‘Why doesn’t any of this make sense?’ and ‘Has this film actually made blood come out of my eyes?’ – that Lethal Weapon 5 is now a distinct possibility. And that prospect is getting closer and closer, as Chud reports:

Joel Silver is trying to get Mel Gibson to sign onto the story idea penned by [Shane] Black, which would bring two fresh NYPD officers into the narrative fold. The idea is for Black to direct as well, taking up where Richard Donner failed left off.

Well, OK, if Shane Black is writing and directing Lethal Weapon 5 then actually it might turn out OK. After all, he was responsible for the Lethal Weapon characters in the first place, plus Kiss Kiss Bang Bang proved that he could direct – albeit with a weird insistence to stop every 30 seconds to let Robert Downey Jr burble on about nothing – so actually, we can’t think of a single thing that could stop Lethal Weapon 5 being brilli… oh wait, no. Mel Gibson.

Remember Mel Gibson? He was that man who used to be an actor before he decided to go into drunken Anti-Semitism full-time. Apparently Mel Gibson is the only one dragging his heels over Lethal Weapon 5 at the moment. Whether this is because he primarily sees himself as a director now, or whether he’s just weary about growing the mullet back remains to be seen.

But if Shane Black and Joel Silver really do want Mel Gibson to appear in Lethal Weapon 5, they’re probably going to have to concede some creative power to him. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We don’t know about you, but actually we’d love to see a blood-porn Lethal Weapon movie conducted entirely in a dead language that ends with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover running down a hill slashing their swords at a terrified army of cartoon Jews. Who wouldn’t?

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas – reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan’s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured – they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time – that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no – your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again – it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked – do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go – satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.