When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.

Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.

And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.

See, Leona is tired of being called ‘boring’ by people like us.

She knows that she’s quieter (not when she’s booming out some gut-spasming ballad, again) and less risque than pop stars like Lady GaGa, Rihanna and Daniel O’Donnell… hell… she probably knows that she’s less risque than a single, lonely glove, curling around around a fence post in the rain.

However, she thinks she has other things to offer to fans of her music.

“I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not boring. Unless you know me, I don’t really care about your opinions. I couldn’t care less.”

“Lady Gaga does her crazy thing and she is great. I definitely have something different to offer. I’m all about the music and songs.”

Get that? She’s all about the music and the songs. So has she got some of the greatest songwriters in the universe to pen hits for her?

Step forward Ne-Yo and Jessie J.

Jesus. What a boring, boring bore she izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Oh look! It’s Valentine’s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, “I WUV U.”

If you’re a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that’s what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.

But how to set the mood? A meal that isn’t microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you’re a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.

Don’t worry, she isn’t launching a vibrator with her horsey face etched on to the tip or launching a brand of condoms like JLS.

Leona Lewis can officially take the title of the “most played love song.” So, when raiding your CD or vinyl collection for a song to play during your three minutes of shagging, don’t put Sexual Healing on, rather, play Bleeding Love as it will definitely make any sexual act a billion times more romantic and that includes the swapping of STI’s.

Now we know what you’re thinking how can a song called Bleeding Love be given such an honour? After all, the song is essentially about periods. We only thought that someone with an extreme fetish involving blood would find that vaguely arousing. But no, this poll wasn’t picked by the public, but by an organisation called the PPL. The Press Association reports:

“Her 2007 single Bleeding Love tops a list of recordings played in public, including radio and shops, featuring the word love in the title. Figures released by airplay royalties’ body PPL show that one in 15 songs given a public airing has a name featuring “love” or variations.”

Let’s dissect this a little shall we?

Basically any song with the word love in the title stood a potential chance of being included on this list. That’s great, but we all know that the other people making up the list weren’t given a helping hand by karaoke competition X-Factor; all mastered by evil musical puppeteer Simon Cowell. As soon as she won the show, the song flooded TV & radio, forcing everyone to listen to her squeal about monthly cycle.

Other rubbish songs on the list include The Feeling’s 2006 song Love It When You Call. Spiller and Sophie Ellis Bextor’s single Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love) ranking third in the list.

Basically, it’s the second popularity contest she’s won really. On X-Factor Leona Lewis was crowned the winner for having all the charm, charisma and personality of a mushed-up paper bag. Being played the most on the TV/radio pretty much means that you should reward the person who gets the hashtag #cake trending on Twitter. Go on do that today, just to see if we make it popular enough to confuse everyone.

We’re sad that a decent love song didn’t get to number one in the list. Ape man Richard Keys has also angered us. He’s failed to see Valentine’s Day as a chance to release to his own romantic card with the heart warming message, “I’d Like To Smash You.”

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There are obvious differences between men and women. Once the smuttier of you look beyond the bouncing boobies or the swinging willies, things take a sinister, much darker path. Men are seen as the dominant aggressor with males receiving higher salaries and gaining more power in the company food chain.

This train of thought dilutes to almost everywhere in society. Pop music constantly sees women having to reinvent themselves so they maintain an audience, or as it’s known, the male gaze.

Do The Saturdays want to prance around in the knickers or sing catchy songs? We’ll never know, but we doubt Loaded Magazine haven’t offered Bob Dylan a shoot in sexy French lingerie. With Rihanna and Britney Spears already make an effort to keep up with Lady Gaga; it was the turn for Leona Lewis to look edgy and cool at the premier of Justin Bieber’s recent film. Even though she has the X-Factor PR monster behind her, it didn’t stop the Bleeding Love singer looking stupid.

It would be weird to think that, after the whole Sky Sports fiasco involving the two ape men, everyone would be treated as some sort of ridiculous equal. But this won’t be happening anytime soon, especially given the fragile state of the world.

Somewhere, probably in an industrial estate near Glasgow, a factory churns out fresh faced girls who aspire to be singers, dancers and models. They are the sort of people who are high on life, laughing off stepping in dog muck and hug passers-by in the street, telling them how lovely their hair looks. Basically, these people are ready to pounce and replace any existing pop star who does something moronic or decides to shun the corporate script their record label gave them to follow – just like at The Sugababes.

All female musicians seemingly go through a time warp of transitions. Rihanna for example is the latest starlet to be transformed from cute and innocent girl to a sex ravaged, bondage mad electro starlet in the latest video for S&M. For a woman who was publicly assaulted by R&B bucktooth Chris Brown, we fail to see that Rihanna would want to actively engage in an activity where consenting couples or strangers beat the shit out of each other with whips, belts and whisks attached to drainpipes.

But then again, it’s okay to do this – sex sells so Rihanna will get a number one song. Hooray, for her, it doesn’t matter about the impressionable nine year old girl who’ll think it’s perfectly normal to ask her mother for a trip to Ann Summers so she can purchase her first pair of PVC knickers and love eggs.

Men don’t have to constantly evolve their image when releasing new albums. When they do, results aren’t pretty and the vibe given off is one of “what a pretentious prick.” Razorlight recently showed what happened when you let a stylist dress you as a Victorian living in Mexico. If only record companies had pushed some of their bands to do something more than dire dross. Oasis wouldn’t have then released multiple albums that sounded like outtakes of Definitely Maybe.

It’s strange that Leona Lewis continues to be a pop star. Anything less than first place in X-Factor would have forced her in to a life of dressing as a giant hamburger and singing to children, subsequently brainwashing them that the food they’re guzzling is nutritious and won’t cause obesity. To a degree, she’s doing that now really, singing a load of ballads or cover versions that have the same charm as a bucket full of seal eyes. People cheer and froth at the mouth like she’s a musical genius and has done something amazing like conduct an orchestra with the baton wedged in her buttocks.

Public appearances for the singer are rare, so when Leona Lewis does appear, grabbing the attention from someone like Christina Aguilera is a must. By crikey we’re proud to say that she did this. Now it wasn’t done through placing a curse on Justin Bieber or urinating in the punch bowl. No, she wore a massive trout pout across her chest. Metro explains more:

“The top which she designed herself featured a sheer section onto which the hot pink lips were attached to cover her modesty. Leona combined this with a black high-wasted pencil skirt and grey heels. “

Basically, it looked like she was inviting you to kiss her boobs, all before getting you done for naughty touching. If she’d consulted us, we’d have given her a pantomime horse’s outfit. She’s permanently got the look of a hose attached to her gormless face.

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Do you know what’s fascinating about Leona Lewis? Nothing of course. In terms of phenomena, she’s like ‘that funny noise the fridge makes’ – something you’re vaguely aware of but couldn’t ever really have a strong feeling about.

Or so we thought, because look out world – Leona Lewis has been lying her expressionless face off.

You know how she ‘weally wuvs animwals’ and is a public supporter of PETA? To the extent that she almost caused a mutiny among her road-crew the other month for insisting they all refrain from eating meat – surely the least interesting way to upset anyone ever?

If she were insisting they subsist on a diet comprising only of fairy’s wings and the tears of children THAT would be interesting. But the non-meat-eating thing – Christ – that’s up there with Paul McCartney and Gwyneth Paltrow in the ‘things you couldn’t care less about’ stakes.

Anyway, the world was practically knocked off it’s axis by recent reports that Leona has said

“I don’t like evil cats.”

Correct us if we’re wrong, but cats are animals aren’t they? This shockingly out-of-character statement was prompted by a recent unprovoked attack. Not like that one in the bookshop when that bloke patiently queued for 90 minutes for the opportunity to hilariously lamp her one.

But an attack by a cat!

As Leona harrowingly describes it

“A cat jumped on me the other week. They scare me. It hissed and scratched my legs – I didn’t know what to do! It was an evil cat.”

Jesus Christ! It actually jumped on her and stuff! That poor woman. That poor, non-animal-loving sphinx-faced lying woman. The PR machine surrounding Leona has previously been so efficient at suppressing any sign of any character traits whatsoever that we really don’t know what to believe after this shocking event.

We preferred it when she was just giving interviews on T4 so tedious that the viewer could never really be sure they hadn’t actually fallen asleep and were just dreaming about a boring interview. This hurricane of ‘not liking’ things and having an ‘inconsistent stance on animals’ has blown our minds.

Oh stuff it we give up. We couldn’t make this woman seem interesting if we tried. And we just have.

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To a meat-craving carnivore, the gentle tones of Leona Lewis’s Bleeding Love may be the most ironically bittersweet anthem ever.

Unless you like steaks cooked so rare that the blood doubles as a refreshing beverage, then you wouldn’t want it served up alongside a plate stack with chicken wings, sausage and horse legs.

Sadly, Bleeding Love isn’t about draining animal blood or that regular occurrence that lady folk go through every month. Actually, we don’t even know what it means, but blood and animal deaths is something Leona Lewis feels strongly about. Thankfully she isn’t jumping on the random celebrity cookbook bandwagon like Sophie Dahl. Instead, she’s getting the hump with her tour staff for indulging in that age-old tradition of munching meat for survival. Let’s hope she doesn’t get angry – she might sing at them.

It looks like some sort of inner demon wants to break out of Leona Lewis and show the world that she does experience emotion. In all of the years she’s been around, she hasn’t once done anything that can be regarded as fun, reckless, hilarious or interesting. Singing in a bog-standard monotone voice is all she seems to be able to do. Rocking.

Ironically, the most interesting thing to happen to Leona Lewis was her big fight night. OK, maybe that’s overhyped slightly, as it was more a horrible confrontation with a crazy fan. The moral of that tale? Play the ‘mental’ card and you can belt a famous person and pretty much get away with it.

As a pesky vegan who likes to enforce her annoying viewpoint on the world and those around her, Leona Lewis has decided to remove any fun her crew have on tour. A normal tour would be full of drugs, booze and dogs dressed in aprons, but not on Leona’s tour. After the encore, it’ll be lights out and straight to bed. We imagine that a greasy late-night kebab or trip to McDonalds would get the crew through the day. Now this simple pleasure has been removed as well, due to the crazed vegan inflicting rules that would see law breakers being beaten with bamboo shoots. MTV.co.uk reports:

“It has now apparently got to the stage where tour staff are not even permitted to bring food in from the outside to eat because she feels so strongly about the issue.”

And a staff insider who probably doesn’t want to be named for fear of being laughed at for working at a Leona Lewis gig said:

“There are going to be murders. Leona has demanded that only veggie food be made available for everyone. She is getting a reputation as a bit of a pain in the arse.”

Remember kids, meat is murder. But Leona Lewis is made out of meat too. Would butchering her be such a good thing? It could be done in a comedic way. You know, like in the recent Irn-Bru advert?

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Leona Lewis doesn’t care what you think, especially if you’re a lawyer.

Lawyers don’t have vision. Leona Lewis has vision. Leona Lewis has a vision of herself riding a horse onto the stage during her UK tour, and she’s NOT going to wear a hard hat, no matter what you stuffy old lawyers say.

Got it?

What do lawyers know anyway? It’s not as though Leona Lewis represents a significant studio investment, and has a history of mishaps like getting punched in the head by random douchebags or, you know, falling off horses, is it?

What’s the worst that could happen? Apart from Leona Lewis taking a tumble off Black Beauty, skidding in some fresh horse dung and spilling her brains out into the laps of the enraptured grannies and tweenies in the front row of the 02 Centre, triggering some sort of equine zombie apocalypse?

Apart from that, we mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

God, these stupid, stuffy old lawyers with their LAWS and their BOOK-LEARNING and their stupid, stuffy old CONCERN FOR LEONA’S SAFETY.  They probably make Leona so sick she needs a nice canter round a paddock just to calm down.

According to The Daily Star, Leona couldn’t get insurance for the stage act:

“She wanted to kick off her show on horseback, partly as a film sequence and then live on stage, [but] health and safety officials wouldn’t let her ride in the studio without a helmet [...] A load of lawyers tried to fine-tune the idea but Leona didn’t want to wear a hard hat. In the end, she had to sign a contract saying she wouldn’t be insured should she fall off.”

And yet it’s fine for random members of the public to throw knives and regurgitate household objects live on stage for Britain’s Got Talent. Simon Cowell must have SUPER lawyers.

In the end, though, it really is too easy to poke fun at Leona Lewis. We get the impression that she’s a genuinely nice – if a little malleable – girl with a wonderful vocal range, a professional attitude and, somewhere quite deep down, a personality. And at least she’s taking the initiative with this horse/stage/no hard hat thing.

But wait – what’s this?

It has also been reported that the ‘Happy’ singer was unhappy with her males [sic] dancers wearing only white pants during a routine involving a 15ft swan. The source explained: ‘Leona didn’t feel comfortable with the dancers wearing white pants and there was a bit of a row with the choreographer.’

Oh for God’s sake. A live horse AND a fifteen-foot swan AND male dancers in white pants? Who does Leona Lewis think she is, Lady Gaga? THE ACTUAL QUEEN? We take it all back. Leona Lewis, just wear the bloody hard hat, all right?

Silly mare.

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As far as mainstream pop music goes, we can all say that the last person we’d think would get up to no good would be Leona Lewis.

After all, she did win X Factor in which the contestant is decided not just on their singing skills, but about whether they look right, can dance, have sex appeal and have gleaming personality skills. Basically if they’re not Leon Jackson.

Granted, Leona is still working on the personality aspect, but it doesn’t matter at all. Her fanbase of young girls and dying pensioners love her brand of soppy ballads. But hold tight, music world! We’ve heard that Leona Lewis has done something so rebellious that music fans will have no choice but take her seriously. Has she shaved her head or had a wank in front of the Pope? Well, we assume that’s stage two. She’s only gone and got a bloody tattoo.

These days, more and more woman-folk are escaping the kitchen and getting themselves some skin ink. Are they rebelling? Not really, we don’t imagine Emmeline Pankhurst ever needed to brand herself with a Disney character on her shoulder or a stupid meaningless tribal symbol on the base of her spine to assert her femininity.

So what has Leona gone for? Is it a complicated art collage that will show a seed of an apple starting at the bottom of her leg and grow to a full orchard across her stomach and back, symbolising that we start life small but can grow into powerful beings who go on to be exploited on TV talent shows? No, it’s a poem about fucking horses. That’s just a poem about horses, Mr. Lawyer, not a rhyme about her shagging an animal.

But hold on a second, we thought Leona Lewis would hate horse so much that she’d buy shares in a glue factory. After all, during our annual new year’s slow news day coverage, a story emerged that a horse threw her off its back, resulting in injury.

What poem could she have got permanently drilled in to her skin? If we had been paid to tattoo her, we’d have come up with the following. She could have loved them all equally and got them all done:

“I love horses,
Best of all the animals,
I love horses,
There my friends.”

“We ride together,
Clippity clop,
Me and my friend Netty,
We dance to hip hop a lot.”

But bizarrely, this isn’t what’s on Leona’s tattoo. She told The Sun:

“It goes halfway down my back; it’s a poem about horses. The last bit is a quote but I made up the rest. It goes, ‘To ride a horse is to ride the sky.”

There you have it, Leona Lewis has a tattoo which we now have to assume is going to be the theme for her next album all about the four legged creatures. From ballads about mucking the bastards out to frolicking with them on a summer’s day, it’s going to be an exciting release. The cover art could even focus on her in the blacksmiths being all sweaty – you know for sex appeal. If that’s your thing.

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Normally a story about Leona Lewis falling off an animal wouldn’t really strike us as anything that we’d class as news.

However we have to remember that it’s the beginning of January and there is bugger all going on. It’ll be a few weeks until we discover that an actor has been knocking off his PA on the side or a tape of someone doing an embarrassing sex act involving the use of a toaster and some needles surfaces.

But not all celebrities lead an over-the-top rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Just look at Leona Lewis, for example. She’s so devoid of personality that drawing a smiley face on your thumb and talking in a high pitched voice would be a more entertaining experience. In what we assume is a desperate PR exercise to show that she isn’t an utter bore, Leona Lewis recently rode a horse. But do horses love Leona Lewis? No. They apparently prefer to injure her.

Still, something is bugging us about the whole ‘Leona Lewis gets on a horse and falls off it’ thing. Would she deliberately do something so shocking and intentionally collapse to the floor? It is possible, but of course, reports say:

Lewis, 24, was taken to hospital where she was treated for suspected torn ligaments and given crutches. An insider said that she has been seen ‘hobbling’ near her US home. “She went to accident and emergency. It was pretty scary. She had quite a tumble,” the insider said.

Poor Leona Lewis. It seems that potential injury is everywhere for her at the moment. Not so long ago, she was quite happily drawing happy faces on her not very detailed autobiography when a bored member of the public decided to make the event more exciting. Perhaps he got a review copy of the book and didn’t like it. But whatever the reason, he decided to punch her in the head. Maybe he took the lyrics to Bleeding Love a bit too seriously.

Still, ever the cynical bastards we are, the tale of Leona Lewis falling off a horse seems too innocent for us. Let us give to you our two conspiracy theories in what could have potentially happened to her that day. We think you’ll be nodding in agreement.

1) Leona Lewis was trying to mate with the horse that injured her. Think about it, no amount of make up or airbrushing can make Leona look more like a human and less like a horse. She’s also a vegetarian, which gives our theory total credibility. Why would she want to eat her own animal kind and piss them all off when she can do that with her whiny voice?

2) Leona Lewis isn’t a horse or a human, but a robot. Ever since winning X Factor, she does whatever she is told. Almost like everything has been pre-programmed into her mind, removing the ability to think for herself. Would any person consider themselves a musician if they were forced to pelt out ballad after ballad after ballad after cover version? Would Leona Lewis’s microchips explode if she was made to sing a song with a BPM of over 75? We’d like to put that theory to the test, but our e-mails have gone unanswered so far.

We said it was a slow news day.

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This week’s uppers and downers.

Folded:

• Clothes on Film (cool site about clothes in movies. Goodness the editor is handsome)
• Edge of Darkness (Gibbo’s back like it’s 1995)
• David Lean in Close-Up with Jonathan Ross (BBC4, the only reason we pay a licence fee)
• Champagne price drop: pour it on your cereal (by Christmas a bottle of Moët will cost £15, or thereabouts. Possibly)
• Damien Hirst’s return to painting (critics say rubbish, so who cares what we think? It will irritate the hell out of people and that’s good enough for us)

Creased:

• PlayTV (you lose Freeview channels and the crappy PS3 remote can’t adjust volume on your telly. Nice menus though)
• Leona Lewis getting a slap (okay she’s annoying, but if that’s all the justification we need why didn’t someone just bat Lindsay Lohan or Peaches Geldof instead?)
• White Lies by Mr Hudson (this is why the Rusko remix works so well, because the original is downright dull)
• Robbie Williams on X Factor (pop stars singing live always sound cack, but blimey Robbie, it’s not like they put you on the spot)
• Star Wars The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes (far worse than you’ve read. Even worse than the film in fact)

Leona Lewis was attacked at a booksigning event yesterday, and this has raised some important questions.

Like how did it happen? Was there enough of a security presence? Why on Earth would anyone stand in line for five hours just so that they can hit Leona Lewis on the side of the head? Haven’t they got anything better to do? Do people actually care enough about Leona Lewis to attack her? What the hell is Leona Lewis doing writing a book anyway? What’s it called, My Year And A Bit Of Being The World’s Dreariest Pop Star?

All important questions. None of them will be answered below.

The world is still reeling from yesterday’s news that Leona Lewis was struck in the side of the head during a booksigning event in London yesterday. We’ll just dive in with People‘s report of the incident:

Lewis, 24, had been signing autographs at the bookstore for about 90 minutes when “a guy came up and punched her to the side of the head.” Though she didn’t need to go to the hospital, Lewis was “understandably badly shaken,” her spokesman says. According to an eyewitness at the store, “[the attacker] walked up there with the book, she signed it and, as she looked up, he just punched her.”

Shocking, isn’t it? Someone actually has enough of an opinion about Leona Lewis to summon the energy to punch her in the head. That’s just wrong.

No details have been released about the attacker yet, so we don’t know if he planned to hit Leona from the moment he joined the queue or if it was a spur of the moment decision based on a nagging suspicion that her book had been thrown together by a professional ghostwriter. All we do know is that the attacker is lucky that he that he didn’t try and approach Leona Lewis from behind, because he would have probably ended up being kicked in the teeth. In some lights, you see, Leona Lewis can look a little bit like a horse. That’s what we were trying to get at.

Nevertheless, the attack must have been terrifying for Leona, and it seems certain that she’ll beef up her security from now on as a precaution. It’s such a shame – everyone knew that Leona Lewis wanted to be Whitney Houston, but that didn’t mean we wanted her to identically copy the plot of the movie The Bodyguard. It’s just not a very good movie.

Similarly, it’ll be interesting to see how this attack will affect the celebrity autobiography trade. Let’s hope it doesn’t put anyone off – because if it stops Jamie Afro or Joe Pasquale or the third one in from the left out of Loose Women from telling their boring life story to a disinterested ghostwriter who’ll pad it out into a generic 500-page indentikit book that only idiots would buy, there’ll be hell to pay. You hear us? Hell to pay.

The attack on Leona Lewis just goes to show the dangers of winning a show like X Factor, doesn’t it? Your increased profile means that there could be any number of nutters out there just waiting to punch you in the face as hard as they can.

Sort of makes us wish that we’d voted for Ray Quinn, really.

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10 – Want a 14-inch television? Then go and kill 83,000 rats like this man did – Geekologie

9 – Here’s a frankly incredible music festival in London that you should all go to – Freshonthenet

8 - Important boot news - Interestment

7 - Like Doctor Who? Like Doctor Who enough to watch an entire video about its new logo? You do? You’re weird – Watchwithmothers

6 - Sign this petition and make an old man (Stu) very happy – 15andcounting

5 – Leona Lewis looks a bit like an expensive prostitute in a rainstorm on her new album cover - AmyGrindhouse

4 - GIGANTIC CUPCAKES! GIGANTIC CUPCAKES! – Bestweekever

3 – Amy Winehouse to go on Strictly Come Dancing and somehow make everything even worse – Popsugar

2 - Antisocial youth in action – Mychemicaltoilet

1 - You know that thing that you think bus drivers do when nobody is looking? Turns out that’s what they do. No, no that. The other thing…

There are two ways of summing up Leona Lewis.

As the majority of people know, she is the only real winner of X Factor who has released a string of hits and hasn’t had to resort to gigging in Butlins. On the other hand, she is devoid of a personality, doesn’t do anything, looks like a horse and could give you the same level of conversation as a plastic bag.

After sucking on the musical teat of Simon Cowell, Leona has pretty much shunned the UK to be over glossed and Americanised. We rarely hear from our favourite cockney reality show wailer. However, it comes as a surprise to hear that she’s spoken to someone outside her circle of arse-licking minders. Leona only bloody went and talked to a tramp!

Tramps are a breed of people that are loathed by the public. Even Mexicans are appreciated a little bit more then the homeless. All they do is nag you for money for a cup of coffee or a sandwich. If they were at least being honest and said they were going to use the money for heroin or cheap cider, we’d hand over some spare change. But liars get nothing. Fibbing tramps will always get told to piss off.

Because Leona Lewis is a global superstar, you’d expect her entourage to plan her movement 70 hours before she steps out into the real world. Of course, there’d be nothing offensive in her way. It could cause her to literally fall over, cry and realise that she’s living in a make belief bubble that the majority of the world don’t live in.

How she encountered one of human nature’s greatest mistakes if beyond us. Surely the streets around her should have been roped off so Leona could wander around in her own world. Obviously, the FBI and CIA couldn’t work in time to turn dogpoo into flowerpots and the homeless into marble statues. Those are two of Leona’s favourite things, fact fans. Digital Spy tell us all about her homeless capers:

“She was shopping on Melrose Avenue last week when she spotted it being kept on a lead by a homeless man. She didn’t think life on a lead was any way for a rabbit to live – then when he said he was going to eat it she knew she had to save it.”

At this point, we need to make it clear that the rabbit was one of the cute and cuddly varieties that get ran over by cars. It wasn’t one of the evil-looking contraptions that ladies shove up themselves for seventh-heaven pleasure. Though a crazy tramp waving a vibrator around and proclaiming it as Jesus would have been a much more amusing sight. We’d toss money at it. But Leona has a golden heart and wouldn’t let the tramp BBQ it to bunny heaven:

“The tramp apparently offered to sell it for only $20, but she gave him $100 and told him to spend the rest on food.”

Now it’s free to roam around in Leona’s company! Perhaps she’ll base her second album on the furry creature. Under the working title Happy Fuzzy Wuzzy Cutey Bunny Wunny it’d be a concept album about the life of a rabbit, from eating lettuce and constantly shagging. It’ll be available soon featuring eleven soulless songs.

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Alongside predicting the lottery numbers and what’s in the secret sauce from our local burger van, we do sometimes incorrectly guess things at hecklerspray.

One such prediction made by us would be when the plug would be pulled on X Factor winner Leona Lewis.

We assumed that after 18 months she’d call Kofi Annan a tit, lose all credibility and end up with a job in Runcorn. But apparently not – Brand Leona is still steadily growing. You’ve sung along to a soppy ballad and danced awkwardly to one of her routines, now prepare your nostrils for the Leona Lewis perfume and ghostwritten Leona Lewis book.

So what would an autobiography from Leona Lewis be like? From what we’ve gathered, her clean-cut media image may not make for interesting reading. Instead of discovering her once-crazy antics at house parties where she necked four pills and drank nothing but Special Brew, we expect something much duller. Something like this is more likely to be in her book in the form of diary entries.

Friday 16th March 2001

Instead of rescuing crushed hedgehogs and injured pigeons by the side of the motorway, me and my best mate Becca did something a bit more adventurous tonight. Emma the lezza at school said that if you shout ‘awoooooooga’ four times in a mirror whilst holding a glass of water, it’ll turn in to fizzy pop. Goodness, we did have a giggle.

Wednesday 20th December 2006

I still can’t believe I’ve won the X Factor singing competition. Gumdrops, it’s amazing to think I could be the next Michelle McManus! That nice man Simon Cowell said he’ll support me along the way and make sure he makes me a millionaire after he’s subtracted his 90% finder’s fee.

Monday 12th May 2008

I’m sick of people saying I look like a horse. Surely that’s Sarah Jessica Parker there talking about?

We can only wait with anticipation, we guess. As with most autobiographies penned by stupidly young people, we’re sure we’ll find out how fame has changed her rubbish ghetto family life to a more upbeat happier one.

So whilst we read her book on the train to work, we can whore out Leona even further by getting our fellow commuters to take a whiff of her self-titled debut fragrance. We can’t take an educated guess at the smell like we did with her book content, but here are a few potshots:

1 - Water – it’s dull and lifeless, like Leona Lewis

2 - Fruit – she hates meat, so you’ll essentially be spraying a fruit smoothie all over you.

3 – Bleeding love – though no-one probably wants smell like a woman’s period.

These money-grabbing ventures do seem a bit odd according to The Sun as in an old interview, it claims that Leona said the following a year ago:

“I’m totally focused on my music for now. My clothing line won’t be coming out just yet — or any perfume line.”

The chance to dress like her too! Wow, it really doesn’t get any better than this. Any fanatical stalkers out there are now 64% of the way to becoming a Leona Lewis clone. All that’s left to do now is to don a horse mask and prance around a room, eating hay and drinking from a trough.

Saying that, we’d rather have a Leona Lewis clone then a Kerry Katona a one. At least Leona Lewis isn’t as annoying and pointless.

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If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. That’s one of the many mottos passed down to us from our fathers who subsequently had the same advice given to them from their own decaying parents.

And with this firmly drilled in to her mind, it’s good to see Leona Lewis has taken the same advice. As her appearance on X Factor 2006 dragged on, her singing style never really changed that much. Any song with a BPM over 40 was totally inappropriate for her. Instead she belted out ballad after ballad keeping grannies, young children and people in comas extremely happy. After boring us all silly with her hit Bleeding Love she’s now done the same to our American chums. She’s only ruddy gone to number one in the album charts!

You have to hand it to Simon Cowell. He may be the smuggest twat in the world and a crap spokesman for the RSPCA, but he knows how to milk something until it’s dry. So far he’s doing extremely well at doing this with Leona Lewis. The high-trousered judge told The Press Association:

“What Leona has achieved is simply incredible. This is the hardest market to crack and for her debut album to go in at Number One is unbelievable.”

Yup, that’s true. America is pretty hard to crack. Unless you’re a country & western singer, rapper, hip-hop artist or a whiny R&B bod, you don’t have a chance in hell in denting the American chart. And you won’t get a chance to meet Oprah. That itself is an honour; to make music for women to badly dance to. Or, in Leona’s case, sing on a song that you didn’t write, produce or play any instruments on.

But where so many have failed such as Robbie Williams and Jay-Z hating Oasis, there has been a reason for this. You see, Simon Cowell is like the wicked witch of the music world. He casts evil spells that result in bland and unimaginative music. One of the people he shitted out was Leona Lewis. It also helps a fair bit that people will buy anything he’s connected to. Consequently, this means big sales:

“Spirit has sold 204,841 copies this week in the US. Her nearest rival in the Billboard Top 200, the album Troubadour by George Strait, has sold 59,000 copies.”

This comes before her appearance on American Idol which will only have thirty million Americans watching. Of course her singing on the show has nothing to do with the fact that Cowell is a judge on the US version. No, we’re being way too cynical here.

So far, the crater-faced crying Scottish boy who won X Factor in 2007 hasn’t hurt our ears yet with more mass-produced bollocks. But if Cowell is able to turn Leona Lewis – a brilliant karaoke singer, into a household American name, then God knows what will happen. The thought of him shedding his tears in other countries can only depress the people living there. And we want to spread joy, not blubbering and depression.

Still we can’t grumble too much – whilst America laps up Leona, she’s consequently missing from UK radio and TV stations. Something we can safely say is much more important then a credit crunch or global warming.

Read more:

Leona makes US album chart history – PA

Top that, crying bad-haired Scottish boy whose name we can't even remember – Leona Lewis, who won X Factor before you is number one in America.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.

It's worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she'll reach the same dizzying heights. That's right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.

Of all the megastars that X Factor has ever produced – like Chico and, um, that crying Scottish boy we just mentioned and Emily the scarily violent schoolgirl – none have been bigger or more successful than Leona Lewis. Right from her first appearance on X Factor, it was a certainty that Leona Lewis would win – she had it all.

OK, not quite 'it all' as such – try and talk to Leona and all you'll get back is a tumble of meaningless robotic statements about how grateful she is and what and honour everything is and how she's wanted to sing since she was a little girl – but Leona Lewis was able to sing a bit like Whitney Houston and looked decent in pretty dresses, which is usually enough to win these things anyway.

And now Leona Lewis has surpassed all expectations after an appearance on Oprah helped push her single Bleeding Love to a coveted American number one spot. The Independent reports:

Yesterday Lewis's single shot to No 1 in the Billboard Hot 100, knocking Usher from pole position – the first British woman to top the US singles charts since Kim Wilde in 1987 with her cover of The Supremes' "You Keep Me Hangin' On"… Despite finding her music "very safe" and "overwhelmingly mainstream", the Billboard contributor Paul Sexton agrees that Lewis has undoubtedly hit the big time. "There's no denying she's a big star now," he said. "Getting to No 1 in America is a very big endorsement, whatever you think of her music."

What's all the more shocking is the chiming endorsement that Oprah Winfrey gave Leona Lewis when she appeared on her show: "Wow, wow, wow… Talk about a star is born. You're the real deal, girl," she told Leona on air – marking the first time in history that Oprah Winfrey has ever got excitable about anything on TV, with the sole exception of everything else she's ever encountered.

And Leona Lewis' success in America has meant that she's leapfrogged Amy Winehouse, who is yet to score herself a US number one despite all the attention she's got there. However, Amy Winehouse can win Grammys and Leona Lewis can't even win a Brit, so if Leona wants to start winning the critics over she should probably start huffing crack on videotape and cutting herself. Just a thought.

Read more:

The Oprah Effect: America's next big thing – The Independent