He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model.  And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model.  And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.

Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name.  Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.

Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines.  The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his.  Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.

The quote which may be the most misguided statment since the mayor of Hiroshima said “it’s only one plane, how much damage can it do?” Pattinson is reported to have announced to the world;

“Doing something like Twilight opens doors and it closes others. You can say, ‘Oh if I was still unknown, then no one would judge me.’ But at the same time, nobody would give a shit either.”

Which is very, very true Mr Pattinson. We do judge you, to be rather uninteresting and impossibly pale for someone made of meat.

You only get that passing glimmer of attention because you were That Guy In Twilight.  And weren’t you shagging That Lass From Twilight?

You still are, but you’re keeping it secret from the world?  To appear more interesting?  Good luck with that.

See, Pattinson is half right.  We don’t really care that much. We give less of a shit, more of a skidmark.

So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.

He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.

And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting résumé, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.

Pattinson, often so criminally boring that his meal decompose in tedium when they’re served to his famous face, started piano lessons when he was three. Apparently, he’s developed an unusual technique on the ol’ ivories as, thanks to Pattz being a thorough charm-vacuum, he’s never played the black keys on a piano because they all saunter off when he approaches them.

And now, along with big sister Lizzy (who performed backing vocals in Twilight), he’s making some album or other… not that anyone buys albums these days.

Should Pattinson’s LP make it to the shops, the very shelves which promote them will probably fall asleep.

Some warty-div who knows him or something, told the Express:

‘Rob has always been so supportive of Lizzy’

‘They’re really close, so it’s nice they are working together.

Dull.

‘He’ll always turn up at her gigs if he’s around, but he’s seriously talented in his own right.’

It’s been written elsewhere that, when Robert was younger, Lizzy found him so unswervingly beige that she used to dress him up as a girl and call him Claudia.

THAT is how boring R-Pattz is.

It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.

Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”

Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.

Poor Lautner.

Anyway, the people at People have come forward and said that they had nothing to do with the cover and promptly washed their hands of the whole ordeal.

Like anyone would if they’d falsely claimed a major A-list movie star was gay on one of the biggest American magazines in publication.

So there we have it. Taylor Lautner isn’t gay, okay?

But Craig Revel Horwood and Graham Norton still are, although it’s early on in the day, it could all change.

In other news, both heterosexuality, bisexuality and homosexuality have completely deserted Robert Pattinson after utterly forgetting that he even existed, leaving him to reside with asexuality with a innersole and some lint.

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…

…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.

Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!

That’s right. Pattinson, who you berks all love so unswervingly that you really should – at some point at least – recognise that there are real life people stood around you all the time who you might want to interact with, may not be the nice boy you thought he was.

The source claims:

[Nikki and Kristen] can’t stand each other,. They don’t even talk anymore. Kristen has never forgiven Nikkie for the fling she had with [her boyfriend Robert Pattinson]. Kristen never confronted Rob about the affair, she just put the blame on Nikki and accused her of pursuing him.

Yeah. That won’t harbour resentment and mistrust will it?

Nikki’s the most down-to-earth actress you’ll ever meet. Kristen acts like she can’t be bothered with fame, yet she lives for all the press about her and Rob. Nikki is very vocal about Kris not being appreciative of her success. Nikki is not one to censor herself to avoid confrontation, and Kristen does not like that.

Of course, bozo Twilighteers won’t believe a word of this and take straight to their badly spelled Twitter accounts to chide Nikki Reed and call her all manner of slut and slag while the world trundles on, completely obvious to these exceedingly boring individuals.

Amazing scenes.

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.

That said, if you’re one of the legions of shrieking Twihards who look to be graduating from the first throes of masturbating over your Twilight ring-binder, looking toward something you can hump for real without getting anyone arrested for statutory rape, then this waxwork is just the thing!

However, like the depressing chastity of the Twilight films, you’ll have to wait a little while (feel free to scream I WILL WAIT FOR YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME TAYLOR! at the top of your lungs, if you like).

Lautner’s more-real dummy will be unveiled to the pinging of hundreds of training bras at Madame Tussauds in January.

This all comes on the back of Taylor got his hands and feet set in cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame alongside Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

Alas, concerning the latter, they were so gaspingly tedious that the cement didn’t even part as they put their hands in, too bored to even obey the laws of physics.

Either way, when Taylor’s star wanes, they can just cover it in glue and roll it around the floor of a barber shop until Tussauds end up with a lifelike Chewbacca dummy.

Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.

The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.

Why?

That’s simple. We have it on good authority that if Robert Pattinson died and was interred in a standard casket in a standard grave (dug to a depth of 7 feet), by the time putrifaction set in his essence would have already killed 90% of the indigenous tree populace in the immediate vicinity. It is projected that by the time his body fully decayed, 86% of the world’s trees would have wilted and died out of sheer boredom.

We don’t want that.

Anyway, the hopefully invincible 25-year-old admitted to Danish TV that he was a chivalrous young man when it came to romance. Speaking from inside an impressive, gilted suit of armour, Pattinson said;

“I think if you love anyone, you kind of feel like that. If you’re in love with anyone, I think the majority of people would say, ‘If I have to die for this person, I will.’”

He won’t if it’s unnecessary though. We imagine that he has a chart of possible outcomes that he keeps close at hand every time he leaves the house. We’ve never seen it but we imagine it looks something like this.

• Mugging – Her.
• Bank robbery – Me.
• Twihards charging down the street in force – Police horse.
• Abducted and held for ransom – Pay ransom.
• 160ft Dragon threatening the city and by consequence Kristen – Me.

It’s probably scrawled on the other side of his “to do” list which has had the same item left on it for years.

• Learn to act.

It has to be real love though. Pattinson believes that you can only truly know you love someone when you’re faced with a straight choice between their death and yours. He added in his droning, monotonous timbre;

“I mean, you don’t really love someone if you’re like, ‘No. Just let them die’.”

That could get really, really awkward. Want to know if Robert Pattinson really loves Kristen Stewart? You know what you have to do. Allan Thorneyflat can’t do it. He’s in jail.

Have you heard about the live action version of Akira that’s going to hit the cinema screens? Isn’t that the most wonderful news you’ve ever heard? It’s not like the original was perfect or anything stupid like that.

There’s even better news! Supreme dullard Kristen Stewart has been offered a role in the Akira adaptation too! Ain’t that grand?

Yes. We live in a world where someone who has played a major part in the Twilight movies and they still get job offers, despite the fact they are so crashingly tedious that air stagnates around their head every time they slowly bat a dry eyelid. However, all is not lost. We have just the role for Kristen, should she land the Akira gig.

The Breaking Dawn actress is in line to play the part of Kei in Jaume Collet-Sera’s remake of the Manga classic, which is insultingly obvious. However, it isn’t a done deal yet and there’s still time for the producers to listen to us who really know what we’re talking about, regarding absolutely everything.

Before we get onto that, Helena Bonham Carter and Gary Oldman have also been offered roles as Lady Miyako and The Colonel, okay? Right.

And before we get to Kristen’s perfect role, there’s THE BRILLIANT news that the original setting of ‘Neo-Tokyo’ will changed to ‘New Manhattan’ for the remake.

That’s great isn’t it? Really kicking barrow-loads of joy into your day. Even stupid, beige-a-tron Keira Knightley has been linked to the film. You’ve seen the gripingly dreadful Domino? No? Go watch it immediately and then start a vendetta.

Anyway, because Kristen Stewart emotes like a mop-bucket which has had a stroke, there’s only one thing she’s going to be able to do convincingly.

And that is to be pumped up and mutated to the point where you’ll delight yourself with your ability to produce pre-sick water. THAT’S RIGHT! She should totally play the role of the transformed Tetsuo!

Christ. She could even make the following scene dull, couldn’t she?

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Well, it’s almost that time of year. You remember, right? The time of year when the two Snow White films come out at exactly the same time, injecting new, vampiric life into the classic tale of Snow White. No seven dwarves here- just TEENAGE ANGST.

Although, if we’re being fair (which we rarely are) the film deserves some credit for taking on a darker note than we had expected while the idea of watching Kristen Stewart engaged in a “who’s hotter” contest to the end of the earth and back with Charlize Theron fills us with the same sense of dread that one gets when you’ve just contracted gastroenteritis.

While you’ve got that image in your head, why not have a look at the trailer and see what you think?

Not much, we’d wager.

Snow White & The Huntsman is releas- oh, who cares?

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Robert Pattinson is crashingly dull. He’s so dull that rain water has been known to hurl itself into furnaces in a bid to escape his terrific tedium. Rumour has it that R-Pattz is so boring that his blood clots into scabs while still in his veins everytime he wakes.

Once, it has been said, Robert Pattinson made an ocean curdle just by absently staring at it. He’s that yawnsome. Someone told us that a field tried to vomit itself to death while Pattinson was stood nearby.

And would you believe it, he’s actually realised that, once the Twilight saga ends, he could well be without a career as everyone is very likely to forget he exists.

Rob compared the Twilight movie series to a “safety net”, which has so far allowed him to appear in an established series of films without fear of failure.

Not that anyone noticed.

Pattinson told The Observer:

“I had a three- or four-month window between each [Twilight film] during which I could do another job. But whatever I did, I knew that I’d have another Twilight movie on the way, which is theoretically guaranteed to make a lot of money. So I could always afford to fail.”

It’s rumoured that the Observer scribe tasked with speaking to Pattinson passed out through fatigue and died. Just died. Right there in front of Robert Pattinson.

A second writer was drafted in to catch Rob saying:

“If I do decide one day to stop acting, I just hate the idea of people going: ‘Oh, did you ever do anything else besides that Twilight thing?’”

The second writer also ended their life because the clawing suffocation of Pattz beigery enveloped their entire being ’til their lungs just refused to work anymore.

Breaking Dawn – Part 1 is released in cinemas from November 18 WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY AMAZING.

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Are we about to enter a glorious period in human history where we actually find out who Kristen Stewart has been swapping bodily fluids with?! Even though we all assumed it was Robert Pattinson?!

HAVE YOU MANAGED TO STAY AWAKE?

For those now propping their eyelids up with matchsticks, you’ll be fizzing at the gusset to learn that Twilight Kristew (we still do this abbreviating thing don’t we?) has finally admitted something to us after years of being to dull to listen to! She’s FINALLY revealed: “My boyfriend is English.”

Oh god! We can barely take it!

See, despite the fact that everyone (well, anyone stupid enough to show the vaguest of interest in this criminally tedious duo) already assumes that they’re an item, there’s still some press interest on the whole official relationship status.

Hasn’t anyone checked their Facebook profiles?

Of course, to make them have a trace of interest (seriously, these two are as thrilling as mop buckets) Rob and Kristen have never admitted that they are more than just friends. We say they’ve never admitted anything, but they may have, but everyone keeps falling asleep in their presence.

However, one plucky scribes who works for esteemed tome, Glamour Magazine, managed to stay concious and capture Kristen saying:

“So much of my life is so easily Googled.”

“I mean, it’s like, ‘C’mon guys. It’s so obvious.’ But this subject, I don’t think you realise what a big deal it is for people. Well, it is a big deal. And right now, even me talking about it like this is a big deal. They would be, ‘Oh. My. God.’ There would also still be a 50/50 split. Some people would still be, ‘See, told you they’re not together.’”

“I don’t worry about it at all. It’s just one of those things. I’m selfish. I’m like, ‘That’s mine!’ And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It’s a funny little game to play and it’s a slippery slope. I always say to myself I’m never going to give anything away because there’s never any point or benefit for me.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

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What’s worse than faux-broody simpering glittercock vampires? Bruno Mars, that’s what. He’s far, far worse. He’s magnolia emulsion personified. He’s about four inches tall with three feet of hair and has answered the question nobody wanted answering: Who is the next Jack Johnson?

And thanks to fate being more cruel than a clone army of Mugabes, somehow both of these shuddering worlds of colostomy have collided.

That’s right – the Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) soundtrack will be lead by Bruno Mars, complete with put on emoting and grotesque politeness, thinly masking his ghoulish contempt for the earholes of the world.

Mars will be singing a song called ‘It Will Rain’, which is a great artistic statement you’ll inevitably agree. Bruno Mars may not be able to do a thing about the rain itself, but he has an umbrella… an umbrella that he’ll invariably try and tap off with you beneath.

It doesn’t stop there either.

The Joy Formidible, The Noisettes and Iron & Wine will be submitting tracks to the chastityflick. In the case of the latter, we’ll get to hear music so limp that it can barely form a sound at all, thanks to being so very, very earnest and shy.

Hateful, hateful stuff.

If you’re stupid enough to buy the deluxe version of the soundtrack, your ears will be treated to a song by the spiteful Hard-Fi too.

Meanwhile, the spineless of the world will all huddle ’round each other and cry into each other’s laps as they’re overcome with the overwrought emotion of it all.

Honestly. Go kill yourselves if you’re not already undead.

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So-boring-that-the-concept-of-time-slows-around-his-tedious-frame Robert Pattinson, is a man loved by those who like to stare into the void. His hollow face exudes an air of nothingness, not seen since we got into a staring competition in a morgue.

Such is Pattz baffling popularity, there’s people who hang on his every yawn. No matter what he does, there’ll be those clambering to get at it and devour it like rabid toddlers with sharpened milk-teeth.

In fact, people are keen to digest things he’s not doing. The latest thing he isn’t doing is a record, and everyone can’t wait to not hear it!

See, there’s been reports flying around with all the vim and vigour of week-old gravy settling in a jug, noting that Pattinson is going to release an album of his music.

Apparently, he was torn between acting badly and singing badly. However, he’d found a window to put together a guitar-based record in the next few weeks, just before he has to do the promotional shift for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.

And just imagine what his music would sound like. Plodding earnestness over tediously picked acoustic guitars, all offered under the vaguest of mumbles, barely registering into a suicidal microphone.

Alas, Pattinson’s rep was on-hand to deliver the good news:

“The report is untrue. He is not working on an album right now.”

Right now? JESUS! That means that the whole thing isn’t being ruled out!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not merely boring people… they’re also pretty lousy actors too! And the new Twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer is here to showcase just that!

Like a teenage drama group trying to perform some heaving bosomed period drama with all the subtlety of a condom jammed up your nostril, there’s a lot of brooding going down.

Shall we gawp at it?

You may already know that this new film sees the marriage of Stewart’s Bella and Pattinson’s Edward. You can probably guess that Lautner takes his shirt off at everyone given moment too.

And you’ve probably assumed that there will be vampires kicking werewolf gangs in the face in some weird woodland homoeroticism.

Did you know about Edward and Bella having a half-vampire/half-human baby?

Is the film trying to create a character that’s as lifeless and tedious as Robert Pattinson is in real life?

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Films, eh? Who doesn’t love a good film? Earlier today, we told you about Warner Bros. plan to remake Point Break, making it everyone’s least anticipated film of 2014. However, films have started competing with each other which makes everything so much more exciting! Especially when the respective casts both hate one another.

Luckily, the casts of the two competing Snow White movies have been trading barbed remarks like they’re pogs since the two alarmingly similar films were announced. Lily Collins, star of The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, has hit out at Kristen Stewart, claiming the Twlight star will be “perfect” as Snow White and is looking forward to seeing the two versions of the classic fairytale.

Oooh, what a bit- aw, wait. Hang on a minute.

Yes, that’s right folks. The cast members of Snow Whites: Lust For Teenage Money are all copping off with each other and fondling their private parts during press conferences. Collins, who is working on Tarsem Singh’s rival version of the Snow White story (said to be much more gritty, containing less Dwarves and more SS Stormtroopers), has praised the Twilight star’s casting in Rupert Sanders’ Snow White & The Huntsman.

In an interview with Teen Vogue, Collins seemed convinced people would see both versions of the fairytale, making sure that they’re still in line for a big pay cheque from people who don’t quite understand the fact that having two

“I think the audience may very well enjoy seeing two different versions and I think that Kristen is perfect for hers.”

The actress also had praise for her boyfriend and co-star in action ‘epic’ Abduction, Taylor Lautner, who recently said he was ‘rooting’ for both actress’ in the role of Snow White. She said, while stifling her giggles with a $100 bill;

“He’s a very funny, down-to-earth young man.”

Tarsem Singh’s The Brothers Grimm: Snow White will be released March 16, 2012 and it is widely expected that limited ‘bumper’ tickets will be available for both films costing only three times the price of a standard ticket. Two shit films for the price of three. Who could say fairer than that?

Needless to say, this incessant circle-jerkery will continue up until the release date of both films as both production companies try desperately to squeeze as much money out of the two projects as they possibly can by spewing out cross-pollinated marketing into the waiting mouths of teenagers with disposable income.

Still, will Kristen Stewart be ‘perfect’ in the role of Snow White? Well, an emotionless girl who is completely nonplussed by having an evil stepmother, magical dwarf pals and a personality vacuum for a boyfriend? You tell us…

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Look! LOOK! Look at the faces of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Stare at them. Try and force the image to stay in your mind. You can’t, can you? You’ve forgotten what they look like already, even though you’re still staring at them!

Jesus H. Balls, these people are dull. They’re criminally dull. They’re so dull that they could have sex in the street and everyone would mistake them for a sleeping policeman.

Want proof? Robert Pattinson has taken Kristen Stewart on a date. A date in Barnes in Surrey. To a cafe. What a wretchedly tedious couple they are.

See, most famous people do outlandish things to keep us plebians entertained. They fly helicopters under bridges and have sex on beds covered in cocaine and rose petals. They make these grand gestures because they’re bored of their own wealth, enabling us to look on aghast and agog.

However, RPattz and Kristew are as thrilling as an ad-break on QVC. They’ve got all the vim and vigour of a sleeping chestnut.

The most thrilling news from this gaspingly despairing duo is that Pattinson decided to go back to Barnes where he grew up and point at things, saying ‘I used to stand there. Sometimes for a whole hour’ and ‘I knew someone who nearly went into that newsagents.’

Apparently, they donned disguises (yeah right – they obviously blended in with the uninspiring backdrop just fine) to go to see his old primary school.

Amazing.

One onlooker, who vaguely recalls someone hanging around, said:

“Rob wanted to show Kristen everything about where he’d grown up.

“He even took her to the local cafe where he used to hang out and his old boozer.”

Next week: Pattinson slowly looks up from a fork of unflavoured noodles and nearly says something about the temperature of them before lowering his head and quietly blowing on them while Kristen Stewart stands motionlessly by the window

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