Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night.

However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only slightly sinister man to follow Nicole Kidman around, she has revealed that she was once stalked as a teenager.

This wouldn’t have happened on our watch.

She took time out from kissing that cowboy fella to say:

“It was my most frightening experience at that age.  I had a man who would follow me around – older, with long grey hair.”

“He found out where I lived and would phone me. He would just sit in a pub across the road and watch – then tell people he was a friend of mine.”

Having Gandalf peek at you from behind a lamp-post must be terrifying for anyone but knowing he’s already knocked back 6 glasses of Lambrini in the pub beforehand is the very essence of nightmares.

TELL THE POLICE KIDMAN, YOU FRAIL WOMAN!!. FOR THE LOVE OF G……Oh you did.

“The police talked to him, but they said they couldn’t do anything until he did something to me. You never know how bad these people are going to be.”

So the rubbish rozzers did nothing and she was so outraged and determined not to be put in that position again, she went down the self-preservation route by becoming internationally famous, marrying lots of short famous people and spending her entire life in the public eye so that no-one would ever follow her or become obsessed with her ever again. Oh if we only understood what irony meant we’d probably use that word here.

She successfully filed a restraining order against some other nutjob in 2001.

Result.

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Remember Nicole Kidman from BMX Bandits and that Robbie Williams song? Well, she’s a new mother and she’s positively glowing about it. That’s because she’s had her Ready Brek, not because she’s ever been pregnant.

The Scientology escapist announced the birth of her and husband Keith Urban’s daughter called  Faith who was born via someone else who Kidman didn’t care about them getting their vagina’s stretched beyond recognition.

And now, she wants another baby. Well she would, wouldn’t she? It’s a piece of piss when all you have to do is sit around with your arms expectantly wide, waiting for someone else to fire it into your embrace.

She said:

“I want more children. I love being around that life force. People ask, ‘Was the film really hard?’ Well, it wasn’t hard to find the emotions. It was hard to keep them in, to put them back. And I cannot imagine doing this if I didn’t have children.”

And while she’s got our attention, she would also like us all to know how much she’d like the Best Actress Oscar at the upcoming Academy Awards.

Is it because she’s a needy celebrity? Well, yes. However, she’s buttering it up as a victory for her entire family.

She said:

“When I won the Oscar for ‘The Hours’ in 2003, it just went past. I would so love that moment with Keith because these sort of things are very much about your marriage.

“We talk about ‘Rabbit Hole’ as ‘our’ film because he gave up a lot for me to make it. It’s definitely our daughter Sunday’s film too.”

So there you have it. Trying to guilt trip your way to an award.

Shameful.

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Nicole Kidman isn’t famous for much, but we can almost certainly all agree that her most famous roles were in BMX Bandits and that perfume advert where she garbled “I’m a daaaahncer! I love to dahnce!” with that one-night stand who wore a vest and had greasy hair. The hussy.

Anyway, in real life, she’s The Woman Who Escaped The Thetans and now, someone who has brought another future disappointment into the world aka a baby human being.

Kidman and her country warbling husband, Keith Urban, have announced that they are now parents of a new baby daughter. A daughter that was born with a surrogate for some reason. We can’t be bothered to find out why, so we’ll just assume that it is down to laziness.

Of course, because this is a famous child, it has to have a stupid name. Over to the blank eyes and beaming smiles of the couple themselves:

“Our family is truly blessed, and just so thankful, to have been given the gift of baby Faith Margaret”

“No words can adequately convey the incredible gratitude that we feel for everyone who was so supportive throughout this process, in particular our gestational carrier.”

Ah! The romance of it all! Mother! Father! Daughter! Gestational carrier! What? Wait a minute! Could they not have said “…and a big thanks to Kath who carried this child for us. To her, we’re eternally grateful. We’ll send her a Christmas card ever year… ’til we forget who she is,” or something?

Kidman and Urban got married in 2006 and have another daughter together called Sunday Rose, which is also a really stupid name.

Here’s hoping the next one has a similarly daft name like Bendy Skateboard or Slippery Tarantula or something.

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Nicole Kidman is a mother – something that’s only really brought up when she’s on the promotional trail. We’re not parents of anyone, mind you. We’re only just competent enough to look after the hecklerspray house gerbil, and we don’t think it’s wise to make a leap to a house baby kept in the gerbil’s cage and fed from the same bowl with ‘Killer’ emblazoned in crayon.

All that considered, being the parents of precisely no one, we’re not really in a position to judge. We are, however, in a position to point and yell obscenities at our screens while licking melted chocolate buttons from our chubby little fingers.

So that’s what we’re going to do.

Nicole had one of those baby things in July 2008. She named it something that was a hilariously-close approximation of ‘Sunday Roast’, Sunday Rose.

That child, now two-and-a-half, is the only child about whom Nicole talks without prompting; gushing lovingly about her baby and waxing lyrical about the joys of having a biological child.

One problem. Well, two. One aged 18, the other 15 – her two adopted children with ex-husband, Tom Cruise, beginning two years after their wedding in 1990.

Two people about whom she forgets unless asked to account for why she’s never seen with them and why she seems to have no contact or relationship since the marriage split in 2001.

From Monsters and Critics:

Nicole Kidman has admitted that she is sad that her two adopted children chose to live with ex-husband Tom Cruise. Isabella, 18, and Connor, 15, live in America with Cruise, his wife Katie Holmes and their four-year-old daughter Suri, but Nicole said that she has to respect and accept their decision. She told Hello! Magazine, ‘They live with Tom, which was their choice. I’d love them to live with us, but what can you do?’ The actress welcomed daughter Sunday Rose with new husband Keith Urban in July 2008, and said she was named after their favourite day of the week. ‘When we were both alone, before we met each other, Sunday was the day we dreaded most, because when you don’t have someone in your life Sundays can be really lonely,’ she explained. ‘Then when we met, we went from dreading Sunday to really loving it. We just thought, ‘What a great name for our baby!’ It’s a beautiful thing at 43 to have a two-and-a-half year old.’

She didn’t forget about children she spent the better part of a decade raising after co-adopting them.

SEE!

She’s just been really busy, knitting and getting botox for the last 10 years.

She loves and thinks about them. And it only sounds as though she’s become indifferent to their existence, because of her biological child. The way it was rumoured at one point Tom wanted ‘his own’ son, because son Connor didn’t count.

This leads us to deduce the following:

1) Babies are like DVDs and take-backsies are fine/ legal

2) A biological baby is better than an adopted one, and it’s fine to put the adopted child(ren) in storage once you give birth

3) Spending a decade not moving your forehead is a reasonable excuse for not guiding your children into adulthood

4) Kids are like sweaters – once you get a new one, you can’t really be expected to be so excited about the old one and those stupid buttons that keep falling off.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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As a mother, Angelina Jolie knows what’s important for a child – a gormless name and a forced appreciation of her films, mainly.

Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway – although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens’ birds and bees talk – just Kung Fu Panda.

To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who’ll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn’t try this trick with A Mighty Heart – apparently Pax Thien found it ‘ponderous’, with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it ‘transparent award-bait at best’.

It must be brilliant being one of Angelina Jolie’s children. You’re rich, you see the world, your name is one of the top-scoring words on Boggle and, since you’re almost certainly not biologically related to her, it’s impossible to rule out the chance of Angelina Jolie going a bit Woody Allen once you hit puberty. Who could ask for more?

And being surrounded by children is equally beneficial to Angelina Jolie, because now she doesn’t even have to think when it comes to promoting a movie. Look at Changeling – if Angelina Jolie couldn’t give her kids knives or breastfeed them from the front of a magazine or blame them for her inevitable marriage to Brad Pitt, what would her promotion of Changeling consist of? A brief speech at an awards show. Rubbish.

And it’s not just Changeling that’s feeling the benefit of Angelina Jolie endlessly blabbing about her children. Angelina’s decided to adaptation of this tactic to push the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda as well.

Tragically, it’s working. When we heard that Kung Fu Panda was being released on DVD, we thought “Pah, we’re not going to pay any attention to this – it seems like another generic animal-based animated movie starring a bunch of moviestars cynically trying to appeal to the young.” But then Angelina Jolie told this to People:

“I think it’s a great film, and it’s brought a lot of joy to children – and to my children, absolutely. My kids love it. They’re very very proud, they’ve got mom [Tigress] dolls.”

And that changed everything. “What’s that?” we thought. “Kung Fu Panda is bright and colourful enough to distract some toddlers from crying and crapping themselves for up to an hour at a time? Why it must be a MASTERPIECE!” After all, if Kung Fu Panda is good enough for the flick knife-wielding adopted Cambodian infant son of two jet-set millionaires, it’s bound to be good enough for us. Right?

Maybe we’re being too harsh here. Maybe Angelina Jolie was just recounting a personal anecdote because she’s a proud mother and we shouldn’t read anything more into it than that. Besides, as dull as it is, listening to Angelina Jolie prattle on witlessly about her kids for the millionth time this year is nowhere near as irritating as the alternative method for promoting Kung Fu Panda – a repeat of this soul-destroying abomination…

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s attitude to marriage is simple – only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it.

Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like a corpseful of turds for once.

Is it just us, or has Angelina Jolie been promoting The Changeling for longer than time itself? It certainly seems like it. All we can conclude is that Angelina must really want that Oscar, because the tricks she’s pulling on the promotional circuit are getting more and more desperate.

To begin with, things started normally enough. We thought that, for such a highbrow film, the only publicity that Angelina Jolie would need to do was return to the USA from Europe. But we underestimated wildly there – we didn’t know about Angelina Jolie’s tattoos. Or the way that she’d be photographed with a baby chowing down on her nipple. Or the way she bought her infant son a deadly weapon.

Most recently, like a boxer in the 35th round, Angelina Jolie has become so exhausted by all this promotion that she’s just throwing tired, opportunistic punches at whatever’s easiest. Not so long ago, Angelina Jolie admitted that she and Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith when Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston, despite making endless claims to the contrary for the last three years.

And now Angelina Jolie has reached down deep for one last push, just to make you go and see that bloody film of hers – she’s declared that she’s going to get married to Brad Pitt.

That’s a surprise, since Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt both declared that they’d never get married until gay marriage was legalised across America. But that was before they had kids. And, cuh, you know what they can be like right? Right? The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

[Angelina] says, “Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us (to get married). You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?’”

It’s a good point, and when that day comes it’ll probably be best if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie respond using a similarly fairy tale-themed metaphor, about evil old ugly Queen Aniston who used to keep Prince Daddy locked in a cage and will probably throw herself off a building if they ever get married.

Or, you know, they could tell the truth and say that they’ll probably split up withing the next five years and not getting married will save the cost and mess of divorce proceedings. Either one’s fine, really.

But this is all hypothetical. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won’t get married for a long time yet, because the kids haven’t asked yet. That’ll be years away – half of them are too young to communicate effectively now, and the other half still have to learn English.

Angelina Jolie already has enough kids for a fair-to-middling laser tag team, but that’s hardly enough - look, you know what’s coming.

Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she’s going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she’s going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain.

Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point – having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who’d want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?

Angelina Jolie will do anything to make you go and see her new movie The Changeling. Literally anything. She’ll cover her body in tattoos, she’ll go on the front of magazines with babies chewing on her knockers – literally anything that draws attention away from the fact that The Changeling looks like the sort of dreary nonsense that people only make because they think they’ll get an Oscar out of it at the end.

And Angelina Jolie is even willing to roll out her greatest hit for the cause as well – the good old adoption speculation.

You see, it isn’t enough that Angelina Jolie already has six children – three of her own and three shipped in from elsewhere – because it’s Angelina’s life ambition to keep adopting children until she’s absolutely exhausted every single possible combination of letters and numbers that she can use as a kid’s silly name.

And that’s why, during an interview on the Today show yesterday, Angelina Jolie admitted that she was on the look-out for another baby to adopt. People reports:

The wheels are already turning in Angelina Jolie’s head, the Changeling star admitted in a lengthy Today show interview Thursday: She and Brad Pitt are considering another adoption. “Soon?” asked host Matt Lauer when the actress and mother of six nodded in the affirmative.

Now, don’t expect Angelina Jolie to go and adopt another child tomorrow, because she can’t – her baby twins are only three and a half months old, and the adoption process can’t start until they reach six months – but time is of the essence. After all, one of the children has a knife now, so Angelina Jolie will probably need to start adopting new babies quite prolifically soon, otherwise we get the feeling that her child tally is going to decrease somewhat.

Nobody knows where or how Angelina Jolie is going to adopt her next baby from, but the competition is going to be tight – it’s well-known now that if Angelina Jolie adopts you, you get to live a life of unbridled luxury. That’s why we’re hoping that Angelina starts a Britain’s Got Talent-style elimination process of all the world’s most harrowingly impoverished children to whittle down her options.

It makes perfect sense – you get 10,000 kids in, ask them to tell you a sad story, make them do a dance or sing or juggle or something, get rid of the rubbish ones and in the end, bingo, you’re left with a bald midget landmine amputee orphan from Chad who can play the ukulele. Imagine how many magazines that would sell.

The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother – she can’t even photocopy, so what’s stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet?

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.

We might be wrong here, but we get the horrible feeling that Paris Hilton is starting to grow up. No longer does she spend her days idly flitting between making obscene internet films of herself and getting thrown in jail for driving around shitfaced. Instead, Paris Hilton has become quite the model of sophistication.

How sophisticated is Paris Hilton? So sophisticated that when she launches her own tawdry MTV reality TV show she has the nous to accompany it with her own tawdry song which, we think you’ll find, is a level of sophistication right up there with taking tea on the bombardier’s croquet lawn.  And, as such, Paris Hilton has declared herself ready for motherhood. People reports:

“I definitely want three or four [children],” she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister’s birthday. As for a timeline? “Soon,” she said. “Maybe a year or two.”

But, listen, we don’t want you to worry that this is some sort of mind-destroying mating call from Paris Hilton. She doesn’t want you to strut about naked in her front garden or wank through her letterbox or anything like that, because Paris Hilton is perfectly happy and settled with Benji Madden from Good Charlotte.

So at least there’ll be an interesting level of anticipation should Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have a baby. Will the child gain be half-Paris and half-Benji and grow up learning from their collective wisdom, or will it get lucky and be kidnapped at the maternity ward, dumped in a forest and raised by wolves? We’ll be on the edge of our seats when the time comes.

Of course, we’re only joking here. Paris Hilton looks like she’d be a very good mother, and then knowledge she’d impart on her baby would be monumental. It wouldn’t be able to read or anything, granted, but at least it would be able to say “That’s hot” whenever it was hot. Or whenever it wasn’t hot. Or when it was hungry. It’d have a two-word vocabulary, basically.

Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins!

This is very important news, and we’ll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling.

We said we’d tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn’t we? Well, alright, we will – it’s important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um… and Angelina sort of… no. We’ve got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn’t care less.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins haven’t been on this planet for long, but the time they have spent on it has almost exclusively been in France. Imagine that – 10 weeks surrounded by nothing but onion trees, shrugging mechanics, afternoon naps and excessive female bodyhair. That’s tantamount to child abuse in our books, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie should bloody well be ashamed.

Which we assume they are, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return to America with all their children, where they can be brought up the way God intended – on a diet of Ritalin, incessant flashing images, processed food containing constituent parts that have never seen a speck of sunlight and brightly-coloured cartoon dinosaurs that shout the alphabet.

Yes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return to America with their entire flock of culturally nonspecific offspring to allow Angelina Jolie to promote her new movie The Changeling. It’s an important movie for Angelina Jolie, because it’s the first role for several years where she hasn’t just played Angelina Jolie. Also, it’s a Clint Eastwood film, so there might be an Oscar in it for her if she licks enough arse. Access Hollywood reports:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have brought their six kids to New York City for the first time since the birth of their twins, Vivienne and Knox. The actress and mother of six is scheduled to walk the red carpet at the film’s premiere for the first time since giving birth to her twins.

As nice as it must have been for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to spend time in another country with less media intrusion and a slower, idyllic pace of life, it will do everyone some good to return to America.

More people will recognise Shilou Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, for example, so she’ll find booking a table at a restaurant much easier. And Brad Pitt’s bodyguards can beat up people who they actually understand for once. And lovely old Olivia Poupot gets to go a few days without giving a hilariously disdainful police statement about what a dreary couple of bastards she thinks Brad and Angelina are.

But the break won’t last – Brad Pitt is filming Inglorious Bastards in Germany at the moment, so after a few days, the entire brood will decamp back to Europe again. But no matter where they go they’ll always have a little piece of America inside them. True, it’s an impacted clump of hamburger that’ll cling to the inside of their colon until they day they die, but it’s good enough.

It's been a while since we stopped by Planet Britney, mostly because there are only so many ways you can poke fun at the mentally unwell.

However, it seems as if Britney Spears might actually be getting better in leaps and bounds, because she's just been granted that most valuable of parenting rights – the overnight visit. 

Sean Preston and Jayden James being able to sleep at their mother's house isn't just good news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline will also benefit from the ruling – it means he'll now get to wake up some mornings without the hassle of dealing with crap and piss-covered bedsheets. Seriously, sneaking them into the washing machine before the kids woke up and wondered why daddy's room smelt funny was such a chore.

It's been a long, hard, harrowing journey so far – sometimes it felt like being trapped in a tunnel with no beginning and no end. There have been tears, there have been tantrums, but finally the clouds are starting to lift – Britney Spears might be getting well enough for us not to feel like monsters for taking the piss out of her. Hooray!

Ever since she locked herself in a bathroom topless with one of her kids and didn't come out until the brain doctors turned up, we've had to say goodbye to comically unaware Britney Spears, and had to make do with a Britney Spears who was such an unfit liability that she wasn't even allowed to go to the toilet by herself for fear that she'd wind up trying to strangle herself with her own piss-stream in a traumatic cry for help.

However, with the help of her parents, Britney Spears has been fighting to get better. And this has been for one reason only – to get her kids back. Sure, Britney might have behaved slightly irresponsibly with them in the past but – spurred on by the knowledge that her sons probably lose two or three of their already meagre IQ points for every hour they spend in direct contact with Kevin Federline – she's made winning them back her absolute goal.

And yesterday Britney Spears took a very definite step forward. That's right – Britney Spears has now been granted permission to lie unconscious in an entirely separate room to her equally unconscious children. Happy days! E! Online reports:

The court session, attended by both Spears and Kevin Federline, resulted in "a change of visitation status" for the new aunt, Los Angeles Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini told reporters at a brief posthearing press conference. Sources told E! News that Court Commissioner Scott Gordon granted Spears overnight visits with her sons, beginning as soon as this weekend.

It's a proud moment for Britney Spears' recovery, that's for sure. In effect the Court Commissioner has said that Britney Spears isn't as likely to stay up all night letting off an unrelenting stream of harrowing animal yowls as she was before. Or that she is as likely to do that but it'll sound like a beautiful lullaby to the kids after six months of hearing Popozao all the poxy time. We haven't quite worked that one out yet.

Anyway, congratulations to Britney Spears for reaching this important landmark. We look forward to the day when we can once again mock you for your dreadful fashion choices without having to quietly wonder if you're dressing like that because you're actually insane.

Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past – to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time.

But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.

If you’ve seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you’ll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong.

But get this – now Charlie Sheen is saying that he’s right and Denise Richards is wrong! That’s crazy – it’s like everything we know is a lie! Or it’s like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of utter shitbaskets who can’t stop bickering in public even though it’ll obviously be detrimental to their childrens’ development.

Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn’t got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though – he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That’s if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn’t like to speculate.

A question – has this sudden flurry of televised mad-eyed bitterness from Denise Richards recently made you a) eager to watch her E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, b) eager to avoid her new E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated or c) eager to run over half your own head in a car and then stagger through a crowded area, all one-eyed and bloody with your half-head sloshing gore and membrane everywhere, pleading with screaming children to kill you because you’re in so much pain?

Funny, it was c) with us too. It’s always c). How strange.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how you answered because Denise Richards has a reality show to promote, and if that means she has to crawl around as many TV shows as she can and pick away at the festering scab that is her divorce from Charlie Sheen in public with the least amount of dignity she can, then so be it.

So far Denise Richards has been on Larry King, the Today show and The View, and while Denise hasn’t quite managed to hit the heady heights of the time she strongly implied that Charlie Sheen was a prostitute-murdering borderline paedophile yet, she has often pointed out that the only reason she agreed to appear in her reality show was because she doesn’t have enough money to support her children.

That appears to have made Charlie Sheen angry. That’s not something you want to do, by the way, not unless you want to wind up getting called a “sad jobless pig” or a “fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

Anyway, this time Charlie Sheen has decided to give a more sober response to Denise’s claims, via the medium of mathematics. The New York Post reports:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?” In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony – adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

Who to believe? Oh, it’s so difficult. On one hand, Charlie Sheen has got the backing of numbers and facts, but on the other hand Denise Richards looks like she hasn’t had a decent meal in years.

It’s a tricky one, that’s for certain.

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SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL - NYP

Britney Spears’ court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn’t cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

There’s a lot of talk about Britney Spears being a bad mother just because she drove with one of them on her lap once and seems constantly on the brink of a messy bipolar sobbing suicide attempt – but it’s clear that actually Britney Spears is a good mother.

Why? Because there’s a statue of Britney Spears with a baby poking out of her minge. Is there a statue of a baby poking out of your minge? Thought not. And when Britney Spears had a harrowing breakdown that resulted in her admission into a psychiatric hospital, who did she think to take hostage in a locked bathroom until the police were called? That’s right – her children. Would you think to do that? No, no you wouldn’t. You’re the bad mother here. Britney Spears is the best.

That’s not just our opinion either – that’s the opinion of the commissioner in charge of yesterday’s custody hearing between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. OK, maybe ‘the best’ is an overstatement. Let’s try ‘marginally less likely to cause her children harm than three months ago’ instead.

That’s right – yesterday Britney Spears was told that she can see her children slightly more often than before, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

The singer’s visitation rights to sons Sean Preston and Jayden James were expanded Tuesday after a custody hearing with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. According to Usmagazine.com, there was no change in custody. Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan merely said that her time with the boys will be “more than it has been.” But according to TMZ.com, Spears will get three days supervised visitation a week and visitation on Mother’s Day.

This result is a good sign for all involved, notably Britney Spears. The more time she gets to spend with her children, the more she’ll become aware that she has a wider responsibility than to just herself. But Britney Spears isn’t the only one to feel the benefit of the commissioner’s decision.

Kevin Federline now gets a little more free time to research answers to some of the tricky questions that his children ask, like ‘why is the sky blue?’ and ‘how many legs does a doggy have?’

And, best of all, the kids get to see Britney Spears again. Not the singing, dancing pop princess Britney Spears from the TV that the rest of us get to see, but the dead-eyed, emotionally brittle psychiatric patient Britney Spears who gave birth to them. Heartwarming.

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Happy Mother’s Day, y’all: Britney Spears allowed more time with her boys – LA Times

Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot.

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

Having seen Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that she’s fully recovered from that nasty gravely disabled thing from three months ago. After all, only someone irrefutably sane can make a brief, mediocre sex joke at Doogie Howser after a week of parrot-fashion rehearsals, right?

But that’s where you’re wrong. Although Britney Spears has made some progress since her father took conservatorship of her estate – by now the sight of Britney Spears’ vagina is a distant, though still admittedly nightmare-inducing, memory – she’s still not well enough to have full visitation rights with her children.

It’s not quite as bad as it was – the risk of Britney Spears locking herself in the bathroom with the kids and giving off the vague impression that she might kill one of them has fallen slightly – but as it stands Britney only gets occasional time with her kids, and they’re always in the presence of a court-appointed monitor who’s probably armed with a taser and a net or whatever the modern-day equivalent is.

But today Britney Spears gets to face her ex-husband and current primary guardian of her children Kevin Federline in court for a custody hearing. Could this finally be Britney’s chance to win her children back? Could it?

No, of course it couldn’t. Britney Spears is mental. Weren’t you listening to anything we just said? People reports:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are both expected to attend a hearing in Los Angeles family court Tuesday for a progress review, sources confirm. Though Spears has spent the last several months keeping a relatively low profile – and staying out of trouble – experts say it’s unlikely the pair’s current custody arrangement will change. “As long as Britney remains under a conservatorship, she has a long way to go before the court views her as a capable mother,” says L.A. family lawyer Scott Weston, who is not involved in the case.

Of course you’re right, family lawyer Scott Weston who is not involved in the case, it’d be ludicrous to imagine that Britney Spears is well enough to look after two young boys if she can’t even look after herself. We never should have doubted you.

But one day maybe Britney Spears will finally get custody of her children, and the sooner it happens the better. Not because we’re emotionally invested in Britney’s mental welfare or anything, but because every day that Sean Preston and Jayden James get looked after by Kevin Federline is another day that daddy teaches them that the seventh letter of the alphabet is pronounced “grundle” and that real love involves making sure his bong water is the right temperature.

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Britney & Kevin to Meet in Court – People

Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, people everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards.

Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.

We’re joking, of course – Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.

If you ever want to get a measure of how woefully narcissistic a celebrity is, look at the children’s books they write. Check the main character – is it just a slightly idealised version of the author? If it is, you don’t need to be a psychologist to work out that whoever wrote it is a dangerous egotist who lacks the imagination to write about anything other than themselves.

Take Kylie, for example – her book was called The Showgirl Princess, mirroring her Impossible Princess album and Showgirl tour. The book was clearly all about her. Kylie is an idiot. Not like us. Incidentally, be sure to check out our new kid’s book Mecklerfray The Invincible Kisses All The Girls, out soon.

But what about Geri Halliwell? After announcing her kid’s books last year, Geri has had time to work out that modelling the lead character on herself is an act of tremendous vanity that only makes her look like a clueless old spaz-clown, right?

Wrong! Geri’s new books are about a girl called Ugenia Lavender, a girl who just happens to look exactly like Geri Halliwell. Plus, if you look at the Ugenia Lavender website, you’ll notice three things - 1) It doesn’t take a lot of manipulation to make ‘Ugenia’ look like ‘uGERIa’ 2) Geri Halliwell has a photo of herself on the homepage that’s bigger than any of the characters’ faces, and 3) You’ll actually go potty if you listen to the website’s music for more than two seconds.

Still, at least Geri Halliwell wasn’t dumb enough just to base the supporting characters in the Ugenia Lavender books on her celebrity chums, because that’d be a brand new level of smugness that even tiny children could see through, right? Right, BBC News?

Speaking of the other characters in the book that did make it, she said: “There’s a celebrity chef who’s her uncle who’s slightly highly strung, so you could say there’s a little bit of Gordon Ramsay. But then you could say there’s a little bit of George Michael in there. And Victoria [Beckham], there was a Princess Vattoria and she was in the early drafts. She might have a guest appearance. But she read the originals and thought it was cute. It’s quite flattering isn’t it? It’s like the Simpsons, when you have a cameo.”

Oh.

Anyway, even though it’s the most obvious thing in the world to doubt the literary talents of a woman who named her daughter Bluebell Madonna, someone must like her books – a brand new one is being published each month until October. And, deep down, we know that Geri’s Ugenia Lavender books will be a success.

But that’s only because – faced with a choice of Geri Halliwell: children’s author or Geri Halliwell: full-time pop star – most people would happily harvest their internal organs to science for cash in order to personally buy enough books to make sure Geri never sets foot in a recording studio ever again.

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Geri Halliwell writes kids’ books – BBC News