Katy Perry is blessed with many talents. She has a talent for dressing like a fruit without being hauled away by men in white coats.

She has a talent for living in the 1950s. Most importantly, she has a talent for using her impressive breasts to distract people from her questionable musical talent.

Breasts are the second best thing in the world for distracting people. The first thing being erect nipples on said breasts. Impressive body parts are worth their weight in gold in the world of pop. Think about it, what would you rather have in a world full of illegal downloads and short attention spans – Katy’s rack or a pitch-perfect voice?

Call us cynical (so long as you call us at all after getting us drunk the other night). Call us crazy, thanks. But don’t call us out on this one. We are quite sure a pretty face and a kooky sense of fashion are enough to get one ahead these days.

Shall we take a closer look at the anatomy of Katy Perry and see what we come up with?

The retro style/ often dressing like assorted additions to a fruit salad: This one is jolly nice. It means that when the annoying singer you don’t like appears on whatever inferior show has replaced Top of the Pops, they will be dressed in delightful primary colours. Said colours act as a sedative and lull you into a semi-comatose state. While only barely conscious, one is prone to swaying back and forth and buying downloads of musical horrors never to be listened to again.

The faux lesbianism/ kissing of girls anywhere other than on the cheek: This is something even t.A.T.u. screwed up and they were were reportedly contractually obliged to remain lesbian whilst in the company of others.

She kissed a girl and she liked it. So did her male fans. So did record bosses who laughed heartily at how clever they were to stave off the recession using lesbianism alone.

Finally the icing on the cake, the mammoth boobs: These are not the only thing that defines Katy. However, they matter enough to her that she “used to pray for big boobs”.

From Showbiz Spy:

The Hot ‘n Cold hitmaker has revealed that when she was nine, she’d kneel by her bed and ask God for an impressive bust. “I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a nine-year-old, saying my prayers and asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back, I wouldn’t be able to see my feet,” she said. “Eventually, that request was granted.”

To be clear: she didn’t pray for talent or fashion sense or even success. She prayed for Jordan’s old bra size. She got it and a shaky pop career to boot. Hooray for weirdo, selfish prayers.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is stupendous.

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Katy Perry has been seen out with the former love-interest of Paris Hilton, bad boy rocker Benji Madden.

The I Kissed A Girl singer broke up with Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes back in December and seems to have put her faux lesbianism on hold long enough to catch the eye of a new man.

The pair set tongues wagging after they were seen together at an event on Valentine’s Day, seemingly putting past troubled relationships behind them.
As we all saw, the relationship between Paris and Benji was a tricky one. It was a slippery slope where Paris’ former paramour got thinner and more drawn-looking as the relationship progressed.

Some speculated the weight loss in Benji was the result of stress from being in such a high-profile relationship. Others insinuated that it was some form of nasty flesh-eating bacteria that Benji may or may not have picked up from his partner during one of their raunchy lovemaking sessions.

Either way it is certain that Benji is half the man he used to be. He has half the weight, half the style and roughly less than half of his original street credibility.

All of the above is about to be lessened further still by his alleged interest in Katy Perry, the ever-controversial woman whom we sometimes like to call Not Lily Allen.

Not Lily is sure to erode the last of her new man’s credibility and gain a few extra column inches at the same time. According to reports, the pair got cosy with each other on the weekend. From People magazine:

Following her Valentine’s show at Hard Rock Hotel’s Wasted Space, Perry, 24, and Madden, 29, headed to Lavo – where the two conspicuously cuddled throughout the night, later prompting one observer to sense “some chemistry there.” Madden, in town to deejay, even danced for Perry during several songs – and at those rare times when their hands weren’t on each other’s legs.

Admittedly the pairing would be a more compatible one. They look like far less of an eyesore when standing together for a start.

They share the same punk style of dress and they have comparable family backgrounds. Katy was raised by an extremely religious family, including a father who was an Evangelical pastor, while Benji and his twin brother Joel had a strict Christian upbringing.

No word yet on just how Paris reacted to finding out her ex-boyfriend was taken off the market. If memory serves her usual reaction is to wear a subtle-as-a-poke-in-the-eye slogan t-shirt with a comedy catchphrase.

Paris is seemingly keeping her comedy slogans to herself for the time being. Maybe it’s safe to presume that at age 28 she has finally matured beyond the point of such high school style retaliation… or perhaps that is one presumption too far!

This has been a guest blog by the always-adorable Amy Grindhouse. Visit her site now. We’ll know if you don’t, you know.

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You see Katy Perry and her Gym Class Hero boyfriend Travis McCoy have apparently split up, just weeks after they apparently got engaged. It’s all very sad and, as yet, nobody knows who’ll take custody of their one good song.

The split seems to have hit Travis McCoy particularly hard, as his recent angry blog entries have proved. Honestly, what sort of pathetic loser sits around all day filling the internet with vicious hatred? Oh.

It’s never easy to maintain a relationship when you’re in the public eye, and it can be even harder when you’re desperately doing everything you can to stay in the public eye despite being such an obvious one hit wonder that people often mistake you for the illegitimate offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus and one of The Weather Girls.

And that’s why we’re not particularly surprised by the news that Katy Perry and her boyfriend Travis McCoy have split up. Between twatting about with knives, pretending to have a secret crush on Scarlett Johansson and doing everything short of literally kidnapping an actual child to remind everyone that she still exists, Katy Perry can’t have had too much time to concentrate on McCoy.

And now it’s all over. The News Of The World reports that Katy Perry and Travis McCoy gave themselves a make-or-break Christmas trip to Mexico, but not even spending time together in an environment primarily consisting of cacti, uncomfortable heat and millions of little hairy men could keep them together:

My source told me: “It’s sad, but they were fighting a lot in recent months because they never saw each other. When somebody becomes very famous very quickly their relationship usually suffers. She’s going through such a huge time at the moment so needs to be on her own.” [Travis] raged at Katy on his blog… “My Laptop is my new b***h, LOYAL, LISTENS, and NEVER LETS ME DOWN!”

No wonder Travis McCoy is so upset – it can be difficult for a man when his girlfriend becomes more successful than him. And remember that Katy Perry has got one song that some people know the title of even though none of them could sing it all the way through even if you put a gun to their heads, which makes her about 4,000 times successful than Travis.

However, what does make this split slightly unusual is that less than a month ago we reported that Katy Perry and Travis McCoy were engaged. And now it’s all off. It just goes to show that things move fast in Katy Perry’s world. Again, that doesn’t come as much of a surprise, though – if Katy Perry can cram an entire musical career into about a month and a half, then getting engaged and splitting up within 18 days must be a titting cakewalk for her.

Read more:

Katy: I Dissed A Boy - News Of The World

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This time, Katy Perry has managed to sneak back into the headlines for possibly getting engaged to her boyfriend Travis McCoy. Possibly, you understand – nobody knows for sure, making them the Jay-Z and Beyonce that nobody gives a stuff about.

Strangely, this engagement coincides with that Katy Perry pop video that’s all about her wedding, showing the extent that Katy Perry pop videos can foretell the future. So fingers crossed that her next video involves her retiring from music while she’s still got some dignity left.

Katy Perry knows the value of a good shock tactic. She shot to fame with a gender-bending song about kissing girls, then she dicked about with a knife until the press spluttered into its tea and made her apologise. And her new single’s entitled Hot N Cold, which is dangerous and shocking because it’s about how Katy Perry thinks the lack of temperature regulation in menopausal women is hilarious. Or something. Look, we don’t bloody know.

And now Katy Perry is ready to reveal her most shocking stunt yet – she’s getting married. To a boy. Possibly. We’re not accepting it as fact yet because Katy Perry hasn’t officially confirmed it yet. However, sources inside of Katy Perry’s mouth seem to think that it’s pretty much a done deal, as MTV reports:

Rumours in the New York Daily News claim that her boyfriend, Gym Class Heroes lead singer Travis McCoy Katy and Travis have been dating since last year and it seems Travis has popped the big question on a recent visit to the romantic city of Paris. Reports claim that on a recent visit to the French capital, McCoy kissed Perry with a diamond ring in his mouth which led to the proposal.

Ah, the old ’saliva-coated choking hazard’ proposal technique – is there anything as romantic? No there isn’t. Unless you count putting an engagement ring up your bum and then farting it into your girlfriend’s eye, but that has problems of its own. We won’t be doing that again, no sirree.

But still, cynics that we are, we’re still over the moon for Katy Perry and Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes. Fingers crossed that they hurry up the aisle as soon as possible, because that way they’ll finally get to achieve their dream of becoming a one-and-a-half hit family.

However, we can’t help feeling that marriage and domestic happiness will hurt Katy Perry’s credibility as an edgy songwriter in performer. It’s all very well her singing songs about kissing girls and whatnot now, but in a couple of years when she’s faced with the back to back failure of her singles I Went To Habitat And I Liked It and I Found A Smashing Three For Two Deal On Yogurts At Morrisons And I Liked It, there’s a chance that Katy Perry might regret her decision.

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Scarlett Johansson is so hot that her hotness isn’t just felt by men any more – even women want to kiss her. OK, one woman. One very slightly mannish-looking woman. Alright, Katy Perry wants to kiss Scarlett Johansson. Happy now?

In fact, Katy Perry wants to kiss Scarlett Johansson so much that she apparently wrote her solitary hit I Kissed A Girl about the time that she didn’t kiss – or meet – Scarlett Johansson. When informed of this recently, Scarlett Johansson responded with muted gratitude – which is considerably more enthusiastic than her reaction to the song we wrote about her, entitled I’m Standing Over You In Your Sleep Holding A Knife And Masturbating (And Crying).

What we like best about Katy Perry is her irreverent disregard for social taboos – as demonstrated by her songs about kissing girls and love of being photographed with a knife three years ago.

And it’s not just transparently deliberate controversy-mongering, either – Katy Perry means it, which is why her next album will go one step further and contain songs like I Shat In Your Food And I Liked It, I Literally Raped A Child And I Liked It and I Basically Did The Plot Of The Movie Saw 3 On Your Mum And I Liked It.

But that’s something to look forward to. For now, people are still talking about Katy Perry’s song I Kissed A Girl three long months after it was released.

For instance, did you know that Katy Perry wrote I Kissed A Girl about an imagined encounter with actress Scarlett Johansson? It’s true. Katy Perry didn’t just make that up because she’s scared that she’s essentially become a one-hit wonder and wants to eek out every last of molecule of controversy from the song before it inevitably falls out of fashion – she really did write it about Scarlett Johansson. Honest.

However, Scarlett Johansson wasn’t aware of this until recently, when a reporter from Allure magazine decided to mention it in an interview with her. And how did Scarlett Johansson react? Why, with the professional-seeming nervy brush-off of a woman who probably has to turn down countless hamfisted sexual come-ons every single day, of course. People reports:

When told that her lips inspired Katy Perry to pen her hit “I Kissed A Girl,” Johansson, who recently married Ryan Reynolds, tells December’s Allure, “That’s flattering, but my lips are kind of taken.” In fact, until Perry’s melody was pointed out to her, “I had no idea [about the song],” says Johansson, 24. “I should get a cut!”

Sorry Katy Perry, it looks like Scarlett Johansson isn’t interested in kissing you at all. In fact we’ll go one step further – Scarlett Johansson won’t kiss any woman at all, unless it’s in a movie scene with Penelope Cruz that’s been cynically designed to make the film it’s in seem marginally less boring. But that’s it.

Still, we can sense a trend here. Scarlett Johansson inspired I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry, Pink wrote So What about her divorce and we’re pretty sure that Womanizer by Britney Spears and Keeps Gettin’ Better by Christina Aguilera are also about people we’ve heard of. Perhaps we should gather all of these songs up onto an album. We could call it Now That’s What I Call Songs About Famous People That Have Made Listening To The Radio Far Less Enjoyable For Us This Year.

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The MTV Europe Music Awards took place last night in Liverpool, and it was the perfect opportunity for the city to show off that famous sense of humour it’s always blathering on about. How did it do this? By naming Rick Astley as the Best Act Ever? No – it did it by giving 30 Seconds To Mars multiple awards even though they’re the worst band in the history of recorded music. Oh, you crazy Liverpudlians with your funny pranks.

Also Paul McCartney got given something called an Ultimate Legend award at the MTV EMAs, which isn’t surprising because he’s hands-down the thing that Liverpool is most famous for. Well, the most tangible one, anyway – it’s not like you can give an award to a chippy sense of wounded resentment, is it?

For all its sins – like the way it commoditised the music industy and its perverse insistence on keeping Kerry Katona in gainful employment – MTV is making the world a better place. No, really, it is.

And it’s all down to MTV’s foreign exchange awards host scheme. At the MTV VMAs earlier this year, Europe sent Russell Brand over to America as a host and then sat back as he offended everyone in sight. And so America retaliated by letting Katy Perry host last night’s MTV EMAs in Liverpool, even though everyone hates her because she held a knife once.

But anyway, the awards. Rather than do what others are doing and grumble that hardly anyone British won any MTV EMAs even though Britain had graciously allowed MTV to hold its awards show here, we’ll just try and concentrate on the facts. And those facts are:

* Pink won Most Addictive Track for a song we heard once and can’t remember.

* Kanye West won Ultimate Urban, depriving everyone of the only reason to watch music awards shows – the embittered Kanye West spaz-out.

* As with the MTV VMAs, Britney Spears won several awards, including Album Of The Year, Act Of 2008 and the We Promise To Give You All Sorts Of Awards You Don’t Deserve If You Let Us Do A Documentary About You bumlick award.

* 30 Seconds To Mars won the Rock Out and Video Star awards, which we’re taking as either a) an elaborate joke that we haven’t got yet, b) a shameful recognition that Jared Twatting Leto was the most famous person from an American rock band to bother showing up, or c) that God hates us all.

And then there was Paul McCartney. As the sort of guest of honour at the MTV EMAs, it was only right that Paul McCartney was given the biggest award of the night – the Ultimate Legend award or, as it’s informally known, the It’s Safe To Assume That All Paul McCartney Albums In The Future Will Be Rubbish award.

As Liverpool’s most famous son, not only did Paul McCartney turn up to the MTV EMAs but he was also deeply gracious in victory, as Reuters reports:

“Many years ago four little boys were born here in Liverpool and we went on to do quite well,” McCartney said of his former band the Beatles, the most successful pop act of all time. “So thanks to all my family, to all of you for coming along, to all of you in Liverpool, to everyone in Britain, to everyone in America for voting for Mr. Obama.”

So congratulations to Paul McCartney for winning his MTV EMA, and commiserations to Ringo Starr. Apparently he was the first choice to win the Ultimate Legend award, but he must have thrown his invitation in the bin or something.

And because of this affinity for controversy, Katy Perry is currently getting the hiding of her life. A couple of days ago The Sun published a photo of Katy Perry posing with a knife accompanied by a headline similar to but not exactly ‘BURN THE WITCH FOR SHE KNOWES MAGICK!’ and now all hell has broken loose.

So, with the sound of tabloid disapproval ringing in her ears, Katy Perry has released a statement saying that she is ‘against all violence’. Problem solved. Now The Sun can get back to the real threat to the nation’s youth – all those pictures of Katy Perry wearing 1940s swimsuits. Seriously, if we start seeing girls dressed as WWII cheesecake models in the street, we’re going to form a mob and burn Katy’s house down.

You know who we feel sorry for? Forks. Over the last few weeks it’s been all knife this and knife that – what with Angelina Jolie buying a knife for her six-year-old son and Kerry Katona throwing a shitty fit about it – and yet the fork, the knife’s humble cutlery partner and perhaps the more versatile implement of the two, has been shunned. Truly, the fork is the four-pronged McCartney to the knife’s pointy Lennon.

And now it’s time for Katy Perry to damage her reputation by association to a knife. Up until now, not much has really been known about Katy Perry, apart from the fact that she once annoyed Jesus by singing a song about kissing a girl and fell onto a big cake the other day. That’s literally it.

Or that literally was it until Wednesday, when The Sun newspaper decided to publish a three-year-old photo of Katy Perry holding a knife quite close to her eye alongside a screaming piece of journalism linking her to the wave of teenage knife crime that’s sweeping the UK at the moment. Because, as we all know, teenagers are easily manipulated and love to emulate their idols.

Incidentally, that’s true – as children we were influenced by everything we saw on TV, which is why we spent six solid months of 1989 dressed as David The Gnome and once tried to kill ourselves because we couldn’t push cuckoo clocks and beachballs out of our arses like Bertha, the mid-1980s animated children’s factory unit. But this is besides the point.

Anyway, astonished that her transparently controversy-baiting photo has actually become somewhat controversial, Katy Perry has issued something of a stunned statement pointing out that death by stabbing doesn’t make her particularly happy. MTV reports:

Her US publicist told MTV News: “Katy Perry is against all violence. The photo in question was taken in 2005 and is in no way related to the current events in the UK.”

It’s just an upsetting coincidence, that’s all, that a photo of Katy Perry wielding a knife has been published during a moral panic about youth-based knife crime.

But if you think this is a storm, just wait until you see the other pictures of Katy Perry from 2005 that happen to eerily echo current news, like the photo of Katy Perry dressed as Sarah Palin skinning a moose, the photo of Katy Perry dressed as a crying stockbroker and the photo of Katy Perry denying that she condones knife crime based on a photo of Katy Perry that was taken three years before that one.

Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

Though when we have a confession to make we don’t normally make a literal song and dance about it, we can accept that this is the modern age and those youngsters do things differently. But according to some sources, Katy Perry’s parents don’t see it that way, and have registered their disgust at their daughter’s activities and apparent sexual escapades.

Then we find out that Katy thinks her parents were misquoted, and that they are fully supportive of her career. But which is it, Katy - which is it?! Are you a libertine whose parents don’t like you? Are you a mental and a Christian (peas in a pod) who likes the lesbians and has supportive parents?

We need to know.

But it’s all gone and turned into a big pile of confusion, with reports and counter-reports flying in left, right and centre. If we were cynical, we might assume this was the work of some marketing twit who was out to make a bit of a splash with the Perry name.

But of course, we’re not that cynical.

Reports that Katy Perry’s parents hate what she does came about from the greatest newspaper in the world, the Daily Mail, which in between saying videogames cause all the ills in the world ever, managed to fit some other words in. Namely, Katy’s mum saying:

“Katy knows how I feel. We are a very outspoken family and she knows how disappointed her father and I are. I can’t even listen to that song. The first time I heard it I was in total shock. When it comes on the radio I bow my head and pray. I hate the song. It clearly promotes homosexuality and its message is shameful and disgusting.”

Now we understand it’s a bad song, but is there any real need to get God involved in matters? We mean, he might use his ultra-powers to blow up the radio or something, but you could just forget about bothering him, turn the radio off and go do something else. He probably has enough to worry about, the poor little blighter.

Katy’s mama went on – probably while between bouts of praying for God to change channel on her TV:

“Katy was raised in a very strict Christian household, she started performing in church at nine. She was a special child; she loved to sing and had an angelic voice. That is why this is all so disappointing and sad.”

It must be terribly disappointing to have a daughter who is a worldwide star – really quite bad. But mummy wasn’t finished there, and she went on with even more words falling out of her gob:

“Katy is not a homosexual but I fear she has been led astray by the Hollywood crowd. Katy was spotted by a music producer, who invited her to L.A. That’s when she started to change. I was worried she’d start doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I still am. I spoke to her only recently. She said, ‘Oh Mom, I’m not going to turn into Amy Winehouse.’”

We do think if Perry were to turn into Winehouse MKII that would be enough to test anybody’s faith, regardless of how devout they were. As we all know, Amy Winehouse is proof there is no God.

But Katy Perry wasn’t about to sit still listening to mother dearest’s apparent rampant claims, and quickly jumped to the defence of her parents. In an interview with MTV, Perry used some words – in a similar way to how her mother did:

“I’m sure they opt out of singing ‘I Kissed a Girl’ or ‘Ur So Gay’, but they’re singing along to every other song on the record. They’re just glad I’m not strung out, doing centrefolds and s**t like that.”

They’re probably not going to be made that much prouder by you swearing now, are they? Oh well, at least that clears that one up. A bit.

But what about the claims that Katy’s track UR So Gay is homophobic and I Kissed a Girl is patronising to the gay community?

Well, what better way to win over fans than to make a sweeping generalisation, in which you assert that all people of a certain sexual preference have exactly the same personalities? There isn’t a better way, it would seem, with Perry stating:

“I think gay people have a wonderful sense of humour.”

She did go on, mind, carrying on about UR So Gay:

“I think they’ll get it and embrace it. It’s an anthem for power of the people – for females, gays, exes, anybody who’s been broken up with that wants to get over a guy.”

Well – that clears that one up. And here we were hoping she’d stir up that bit more controversy to help fuel her career, seeing as that’s all it’s been going on so far.

It’s certainly not talent that’s been pushing it.

Folded:

• Prawn cocktail Pringles (these really make sense)
• I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (annoying toy lesbian or taking the piss? Probably taking the piss, so laugh)
• Madonna’s jiggly boobs in the 4 Minutes video (okay, so we’re not Nuts magazine, but we’ve got eyes)
• Genuine Childs (they guys composed the menu music for The Bourne Identity DVD, just in case you were wondering)
• The XXIX Olympiad (numbingly compulsive. Quick, badminton is on!)

Creased:

• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (the curse of Rob Cohen strikes again)
• Overuse of metaphors on The Hotel Inspector voiceover (about a former-lighthouse B&B: ‘The owners are all at sea’, ‘About to enter choppy waters’ or ‘The bathroom is flushed for success’)
• Bad news about Paul Newman (83 year old smoker or not, this sucks for a Hollywood legend. That’s right, legend. No exaggeration)
• Fat beauty queens (wow, look at the girl in white – she’s MASSIVE!)
• Alexander O’Neal (recently on Celebrity Wife Swap. Believe the hype! From twenty years ago)

If a 23-year-old male singer were to say that they wanted to kiss a 15-year-old pop sensation on Sunday, they would rightly be chastised. Probably shot or lynched too. Or just looked down on a lot. They’d probably write a book about their experiences a few years down the line, when the dust had settled.

But when it’s a 23-year-old female singer saying they want to play tonsil hockey with a child this Sunday then it’s just laughed off… Hang on – what? That’s not funny. That’s just dodgy.

Yes kids, everyone’s favourite possible condom saleschild and she who makes frankly incomprehensible videos especially for our new editor’s birthday, Miley Cyrus, has come out and said she will not be engaging in some same-sex-underage-dear-god-that’s-just-plain-weird smooching with Katy Perry.

‘Who the hell is Katy Perry though?!’, hecklerspray hears you cry, and frankly, we’re not sure either. Apparently she’s had some hits with some songs that seem to hint at a fondness for homosexuality – her two biggest hits of ‘UR So Gay’ and ‘I Kissed A Girl’ would seem to attest to this. No big deal, the girl can like who she wants to like.

But when you’re blatantly trying to fire up some kind of media frenzy by offering to publicly snog a kid then, well, you need to be told when to stop. Last time hecklerspray tried something similar we were subjected to beatings on a nightly basis by a man with tattoos on his eyeballs, whose nickname included the words ‘nonce’ and ‘basher’.

After being informed of Katy Perry’s apparent wish to take advantage of an underage girl, thus recreating the Britney Spears and Madonna ‘hot’ action of sharing a smooch on stage, young (emphasis on young there) Miley told E!:

“No thanks. She sang on my record. So I think she’s kind of getting back at me, because she was doing harmonies and backgrounds.”

Is that bitchy? hecklerspray doesn’t understand Ameri-child speak, much as we are forced to put up with it. It would fit in with Miley’s apparent new character of pure, unadulterated evil that she seems to be cultivating, so yes – we’ll go with ‘bitchy’.

We just have one real question about all of this: why does no one seem to realise that Miley Cyrus is still a kid? She certainly doesn’t seem to, the constant stream of unsettling news about her possible nudity/semi nudity in showers doesn’t seem to want to do anything but appeal to the dodgy among us and things like this don’t really help.

So Katy Perry, please, in future keep your hands, lips and everything else to yourself. At least until Miley’s over the age of consent, then knock yourself out.