Diversify or Die?

Folded

• Become a Spy! – Seriously…
• The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
• Hasselhoff Is Off - No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!
• Could Clarkson Get Sacked? – Regardless of your opinion about his comments on The One Show (shame on you for watching it, by the way), the idea that he could get sacked will come as good news to anyone who wants to see him presenting his own version of The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. What would it be called? Answers on a postcard…
• Abraham Lincoln – No, we’re not just really behind the times with this but those in the UK should have a look at this reappraisal of the man. It makes you question the very fabric of everything we know about America. Or does it? Seriously, watch it and find out for yourself you lazy sod.

Creased

• Star Wars Prequels – They could have been so much better.
• Tory Council – WE WILL NOT ASSOCIATE WITH EUROPE!
• RBS - Hang on, they owned a pub chain?!
• A Green Day Musical – Sure, we didn’t mind it existing but now it’s coming to the UK? This must not be allowed.
• The Passing of Gary Speed – Much as it isn’t our place to comment, the passing of a bona fide footballing legend is always something that will completely and utterly creased.

Piers Morgan has won the final of NBC's The Celebrity Apprentice.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied: "Sure, why not? You're a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command".

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 some Italian named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

Civil War, Vietnam, Iraq, then Will and Grace, and now this, the ultimate coup de grace – Piers Morgan – whose list of crimes include making people feel sympathy for Jeremy Clarkson, being editor of the News Of The World once, and having the name Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan. Commenting on Morgan's performance in the show, touped-twat Donald Trump told him:

"You're a vicious guy; I've seen it … You're tough, you're smart,
you're probably brilliant, I'm not sure. You're certainly not
diplomatic, but you did an amazing job and you beat the hell out of
everybody."

The final task on Thursday's finale was to hold a charity event and raise as much money as possible. Morgan's rival, country singer Trace Adkins, had the duty of babysitting The Backstreet Boys, while Piers was responsible for the auction and food.

Trace sold more tickets, but Stefan Pughe raised the most money, earning an additional $250,000 (£125,000) for his charity.

And what was Morgan's chosen charity? Why it was the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, which provides support for families of U.S. military personnel who have died in the line of duty.

Which is all very well, but it just goes to prove that, no matter how much of an utter cunt you are, if you cheer loud enough in support of the troops, all will be forgiven, even if you had previously been sacked for publishing faked photographs of Iraqi prisoners being abused by British Army personnel.

Whatever, America, you can have him, but don't doubt for one moment that this is anything other than your Judgement Day. So long, it's been good to know ya.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is going to rattle to a close on Monday – but before that happens, two housemates will be evicted tonight?

Which two? God knows, frankly. After Wednesday night's face-to-face nominations the only people who definitely won't be evicted tonight are Anthony and John. Everyone else is fair game, and we're buggered if we know who'll be evicted.

So instead, ostrich-style, we're going to ignore tonight's double eviction and keep our eyes on Monday's prize, starting today with the four housemates who don't stand a flipping chance of winning.

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Jay, Nathan and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista - It's taken a while for Calista to develop a personality within Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, but thank God she finally has. Admittedly it's the personality of a stark-staring lusty-eyed witch who can't stop gawping at Anthony and involuntarily twitching. It's not a pretty sight, and that's probably why Calista's the least favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. That and the dawning public realisation that Anthony now understands that he'll be knee deep in girls from Monday night so the last thing he should do is shack up with – let's admit it – a woman who looks slightly like the Crazy Frog. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Jay – Despite the early promises, Jay hasn't turned out to be quite as objectionable as we assumed. So why is he so unlikely to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? It might be because he's failed to really connect with any of the other housemates. Or it might be because whenever we hear Big Brother say "Can Jay please come to the Diary Room," we spend about 30 seconds going "Jay? Is there a housemate called Jay? Which one's that? Oh, Jaaaaaaay!" and since we've been following this bloody thing professionally that's not really a very good sign. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Nathan – You know what we liked best about Nathan at the start of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? The way he went "brap brap brap" whenever he was happy. And you know what Nathan hasn't done since about three days into Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Anything at all. Seriously, Nathan's plan to get more fans by appearing on Big Brother has backfired furiously – unless of course he thinks that inert lumps with no personality are what the kids like these days. And, let's be fair, he might be right – that's the only way we can explain the popularity of Keane. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 33/1

Jeremy – What we like best about Jeremy is that, even though he cracks a lot of jokes all the time, it's all obviously such a badly-built defence mechanism that it wouldn't take long to have him wailing and crying and sucking his thumb. But with just one long weekend left in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, that's plainly not going to happen. So we'll have awkward, geeky wisecracker Jeremy to put up with, unless he's evicted tonight. Ace. No, really… Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

On Monday – Betting odds for the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack frontrunners. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Now that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is getting the hang of evictions, it’s decided to sling out housemates faster than ever before – which is bad news for Latoya and Emilia.

On Sunday the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates nominated yet again, and yesterday the two housemates with the most votes were names as Latoya and Emilia. And the evicted housemate won’t be getting a big Friday night eviction like everyone else – no, they’ll be shunted out of the house on a Wednesday in front of a televised audience of, ooh, about three. We’ll be getting to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction odds soon enough.

But for now let’s carry on our look at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win, for Nathan, Emilia and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Nathan – A long long time ago when Big Brother Celebrity Hijack started (yes, we know it was just a couple of weeks ago, but by bloody Christ, does it feel like longer), Nathan looked like the fun-loving chap who’d inject a bit of life into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But that was an assumption so wrong it should be punishable by a damn good birching. Nathan has revealed himself to be – in no particular order – ultra-serious, unable to join in any discussions in case it alienates his meagre fanbase, slightly bitter that he isn’t more famous than he is and such a freakish horndog that he darn-near melted our TV with his lechery. And, you, know, we’ve already got one Craig David for that. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 16/1

Emilia – It’s become increasingly clear over the last week that Emilia is something of a professional victim, and the only time she ever shows a trace of personality is whenever she’s got someone bitching at her. And now that Victor‘s not in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house any more, Emilia’s main source of antagonism has disappeared. So chances are Emilia is either going to flourish now that she doesn’t have an emotionally-deformed rollerskater telling her that she’s a whore or she’ll find another way to act the victim. Chances are by Thursday Emilia will burst into tears because Jeremy’s keeping her down by stroking her hair sometimes. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 12/1

Jeremy – Jeremy is another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate who’ll suffer without Victor around. Not in the same way as Emilia, though – Jeremy had forged something of a homoerotic relationship with Victor that mainly consisted of swapping sex stories and talking sexist rubbish in pretend European accents. And now that he’s been forcibly removed from Victor, there’s a chance that Jeremy will become a bit of a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack loner. In short, Jeremy is the new Liam, and we await the day he starts meowing at himself in the bathroom with more anticipation than you could possibly imagine. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for the big eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

So Big Brother has spoken – and not even Big Brother, an ancient shiny skull with a raspy New York accent – and we know who’s up for eviction this week.

As we told you yesterday, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates facing eviction tomorrow night are Jeremy, Emilia, Victor and Liam. Sadly two of them have to go in a double eviction – it’s sad because they all can’t – but who’s it going to be? Rubbishly, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction betting odds haven’t gone online yet, so we’re going to give you each nominated housemate’s betting odds to win, and you can work it all out backwards yourselves. Yes?

Good – so here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy and Emilia, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – Although he promised to be one of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack‘s biggest arseholes, all of Jeremy’s rough edges have been shaved off by Emilia, who he obviously wants to have sex with quite a lot. But Big Brother Celebrity Hijack voters want more from their housemates than just the distant promise of seeing some elastic-limbed sex on TV – they want action. And what has Jeremy actually done lately? made a snow angel under duress? Stroked Emilia’s hair as she went to sleep? That’s rubbish behaviour, but we suspect that Jeremy will be let off the hook again this week because, well, because he’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Emilia – Remember who the viewers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack are – teenage girls. Now, look at Emilia – a talented, successful girl who is quite pretty and who, by being able to put her arse on her head, is the main focus of male attention this year. If you were a teenage girl, would you want Emilia to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, or would you start making plans for the best way to grab her by the hair and throw her into the bins in a jealous fit? As teenage girls ourselves, we’re going to have to say the latter. Usually this would be enough to signal the end of a housemate’s Big Brother experience, but we suspect that Emilia will be let off the hook this week because, well, because she’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor and Liam. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

The Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates are made of tougher stuff than they look, you know – just look what they’ve been through.

As if just living in a new house with 11 total strangers for a month isn’t bad enough, they’ve also been put through a brutal SAS interrogation process by Andy McNab, had their acting skills harshly criticised by that Scottish actor, plus they had to spend a day listening to Peaches Geldof rabbiting on at them without being able to kick their way into the control room and choke her on her stupid microphone. They’re made of stronger stuff than us.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Latoya – You can tell that the producers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack desperately want Latoya and Nathan to hook up. Hardly a furtive side-glace or awkward semi-conversation between them goes by without a huge deal getting made of it. And the truth is, we’re not sure if Latoya really likes Nathan. And we’re not sure if Latoya doesn’t like Nathan either. Frankly we’re not sure that dancing has left very much in Latoya’s brain at all, aside from a camp man in an afro and a velour tracksuit shouting “And five six seven eight SPIN six seven eight!” over and over again. But maybe Latoya’s being smart and playing the dark horse to avoid eviction. Or maybe she doesn’t understand the concept of smart because it doesn’t involve windmilling your arms around like a loon. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Emilia – Notice how Emilia is dead-centre of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. Know why that is? It’s because nobody can work out if Emilia is a nice girl or a tosspiece. She’s a tough one to crack, that’s for sure – she’s obviously got a streak of burning narcissism running through her a mile wide, and she can always be counted on to get what she wants by flashing her legs around like a hussy. But then again Emilia isn’t shy of the odd sincerely sweet gesture, too. If Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was voted for primarily by sex-starved married men in their mid-forties, we get the feeling that Emilia would walk it, but since it’s mainly teenage girls who take part, we can’t work out what they’ll make of her. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Jeremy – The most interesting noise that a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd at the sound of a name is “wearrrrugh” – the noncommittal acceptance that, although a housemate may have appeared to be a bit of a dick to begin with, actually he’s not all that bad. On Friday’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, Jeremy got a “wearrrrugh.” That either means that the public is warming to Jeremy as a human being or they at least want him kept in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house long enough for Emilia to spectacularly obliterate his sense of self-worth forever when he inevitably tries to kiss her and she rejects him in front of the entire country. We’d need to listen to the “wearrrrugh” again to tell you which one of these it is. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 8/1

Amy – For all her arsty-fartsy chronic po-faced wankiness when it comes to her talent – which is cleaning small squares of floor, by the way – Amy is emerging as one of the most well-rounded Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates by far. Whatever situation she’s put in, Amy tends to cope magnificently – with the girls she talks about boys and crushes, with the more cynical Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates she’s laid-back and dry, she can withstand SAS interrogation from a fat man with a funny voice – and it’s probably fair to say that Amy’s the housemate most suited to a job at hecklerspray. Except that she looks alarmingly like Heather Mills, so someone would have probably kicked her out of a window by lunchtime. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is booting out its first overbearingly ‘special’ housemate tonight, but who’s it going to be?

The Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have decided that Jeremy, Jade and Victor are the people they’d least like to put up with for the rest of the month, and come this evening one of them will be bundled into the giant brass mail chute marked ‘permanant anonymity’. But who? Who? We can’t wait 12 hours! We want to know now!

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy, Jade and Victor to get evicted tonight, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – When Jeremy entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house last week, he came across as a bit of a twonk, all ‘hey I’m a racing driver, yeah?’ insouciance and ‘let’s not pretend that I don’t have a fuckload of money’ smuggery. But buried deep – really deep, almost impossibly deep – inside Jeremy is a sweet little nerd who just wants to be loved. And, in particular, loved by that bendy girl with the pop-out vagina. Since he’s easily the least irritating Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate up for eviction, we can’t see him going tonight. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Jade – Again, we may have misjudged Jade a little since she entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, too. Although she has moments of supreme fist-clenching, eye-bulging annoyingness – like how she leaps around like a tit first thing in the morning and how she talks like a sock puppet of a sickly frog – but let’s not forget that Jade was the only one to suss that Russell Brand‘s raging cameraman trick was a hoax. That at least proves that Jade is almost as clever as she says she is – and after a few more days of realising that nobody like her, maybe Jade will even calm down and be watchable. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Victor – Now, on the other hand, Victor is someone who nobody has ever misjudged in their entire lives. They all see Victor, think “what a preening git,” and are never ever proved wrong. Victor has managed to quickly turn the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house against him by ordering his sister about and constantly viewing his slightly rum options on women, which is strange because we’ve never had cause to doubt the intellectual reasonings of men who spin around on rollerskates for a living before. This could be the last we see of Victor. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/5

Next week – more Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.