One of goodest of the good guys, Bob Holness, has died today aged 83, according to his family. Basically, one of the few men united by everyone else’s wish to have him as their grandfather, has finally gone and left us.

Shame.

Of course, Bob will be best remembered for his role as the kindly quizmaster on the mighty Blockbusters TV series, but there’s was more to our Bob than simply being nice to students in Joe Bloggs jeans.

A statement released by his family said he “died peacefully in his sleep early this morning”, which really, is the most perfect way for Bob to go out. Peacefully, with a bit of class.

See, Holness had been living in a nursing home and had suffered a number of strokes over the years. He leaves his wife Mary, three children (one of whom, Ros, was a one hit wonder with Toto Coelo) and seven grandchildren.

Away from Blockbusters, Bob was a voice of calm in the babble of radio. Back in ’56, Holness played James Bond in a radio adaptation of Moonraker. That’s right. Bob Holness was one of the first James Bonds!

Concerning his turn as Bond, The Independent wrote:

“Listeners across the Union thrilled to Bob’s cultured tones as he defeated evil master criminals in search of world domination”.

Bob did have a rare air of culture about him didn’t he? While pretending to be more grandfatherly in his role on Blockbusters (he was much younger and more spritely than he let on), you believed that he had all the answers, without the help of his cue-cards. He’s also one of the few gameshow hosts who didn’t have contempt for his contestants. A real gentleman of television indeed.

Better yet was the urban myth that surrounded Bob. In a piece in the NME, it was claimed that Our Bob played the saxophone solo on Gerry Rafferty’s ’78 hit, ‘Baker Street’. Ever impish, this tale appealed to Holness’ sense of the absurd and he played along with the myth, not to mention his penchant for mischievously claiming that he also played lead guitar on Derek and the Dominoes’ ‘Layla’ as well as being the person responsible for making Elvis Presley laugh during the infamous version of ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight?’.

And, best of all, he shared a birthday with me, Mof Gimmers, who is writing this article.

Basically, Bob Holness was talented without trying, cool without fuss and generally one of the sweetest guys to ever cut his teeth in the dreadful, murky world of broadcast.

For fans of proper people, he’ll be missed. Raise a glass tonight to him and feel free to make a ‘I’ll have a P please Bob’ joke. As lazy as it is, you just know Bob wouldn’t mind one bit.

Daniel Craig is James Bond. You know that. Everyone knows that. He won’t be remembered for anything other than his James Bondiness and walking out of the sea with his little trunks on. Not a bad CV all told.

Unlike a lot of celebrity types, Daniel Craig doesn’t flaunt his fame and attempts to maintain something of an ordinary private life. This is a universe away from the Kardashian family who prefer to tip off the paparazzi about their every movement and whatnot (presumably at least).

It seems the behaviour of the American socialites has got on 007s wick. During an interview with GQ, he picked on Kim, Khloe and Kourtney, for essentially pimping out their lives. He even used rude words to describe the sisters, making him more likeable to us.

Some people may call it slightly hypocritical for an A-list movie star to be talking down to a group of people who’d probably find tying their shoelaces a challenge. However, Daniel Craig does seem to be one of the few people in his profession to shun financial temptation so we can intrude into his life.

This summer, he married partner Rachel Weisz and managed to do without it being reported on a mass scale and flogged in glossy magazines, complete with awkward pictures.

So what exactly did he say about Kim Kardashian, the gal who had a blissful 72 day marriage and her sister Kourtney who passes the time by shoving pipes up her backside and cleansing it with an oil enema?

“Fucking idiots.”

But he wasn’t done there. Craig continued his rant which seemed to be targeted against those who cash in by just appearing on TV:

“I think there’s a lot to be said for keeping your own counsel. It’s not about being afraid to be public with your emotions or about who you are and what you stand for. But if you sell it off it’s gone. You can’t buy it back – you can’t buy your privacy back. Ooh I want to be alone. Fuck you. We’ve been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta and now you want some privacy?”

Bloody hell. Fancy a job with hecklerspray Danny lad?

A James Bond film is maked or breaked on the villain that is cast. Get the baddie right and everything else should fall into place. Alas, there’s been a few lousy nemeses in recent years, with Bond dispatching lamos like there’s no tomorrow.

However, that’s all about to change.

That’s because, in the next Bond flick (as yet untitled), we’re going to be treated to Javier Bardem and he’s a real deal bad-ass. Could it be that we’re about to get the best Bond villain ever?

There’s been months of speculation in movie circles and now, our frendo Bardem is going to do his absolute best to kill James Bond until he’s dead.

During an interview with Christiane Amanpour on Nightline, Bardem confirmed that he would be playing the bad guy in Bond 23.

Daniel Craig is going to get his acting chops punched off.

Bardem says:

“I am very excited. My parents took me to watch the movies and I saw all of them. So to play that is going to be fun”

“They chose me to play this man, but I cannot give you many details.”

You can check out how great Bardem is at being evil with these clips from the wonderful No Country For Old Men in which we’ve entirely based our view that he’ll be great on.

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With the news that Adele (her again!) is like, totes, going to write and release the theme for the new Bond film, us handsome devils at hecklerspray are going to take a look at the Top Ten Bond themes.

So get comfy, pour yourself a drink and get ready to agree with every single one of our choices.

Right?

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DA DA D’DAA DAAAA!

*ahem*

Here’s our Top Ten Bond Themes.

The Man With The Golden Gun

Before getting her fanny out on Strictly 2011, Lulu thought it would be fun to have a pop career that sort of spanned four decades (mainly because there was a gap between 1969 and 1993 that she filled with awful, awful songs) which piqued when she was chosen to sing the theme to ‘The Man With The Golden Gun’ in 1974. Nothing happened for 19 years, and then she released ‘Relight My Fire’ with Take That. It’s a shame when good things happen to bad people.

The Living Daylights

If you sing ‘WOOOAAAHH THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS!’ at the top of your lungs you get the best feeling. Better than probably any drugs that Michael Jackson took.

The World Is Not Enough

Up until the mid-90s, most of the Bond themes had been sung by individual artists who had a modicum of talent (Sheryl Crow, you can probably go and get a glass of milk or something, we’re not talking about you), so when Garbage, the famous 90s alternative band, were announced people were excited.

Unfortunately, the song wasn’t very good, despite the video being about Shirley Manson being a suicide android fitted with a bomb. But the song being bad doesn’t necessarily mean that the overall finished product was awful. With a change in Bond, came a change in musical attitude with it. An edgier “rockier” vibe fought off the camp twinge that the themes seemed to have fostered. Obviously the film was still the campest thing since Johnny Robinson ate a unicorn and farted glitter, but for the first time, it became exciting to see what a Bond theme was going to be.

Diamonds Are Forever

Although Diamonds Are Forever is Bassey’s second Bond theme (and the first one our list) her vaulting vocals and a sinister undertone gave this Bond theme an opulent edge that would keep this theme as one of the most famous ones. Even Kanye West wanted a piece on his Diamonds From Sierra Leone, and we all know that Kanye West doesn’t make ANY bad decisions ever.

Goldeneye

In the 90s, the World was forgetting James Bond because he wasn’t involved in a combat pant wearing girlband or had curtains, so Albert Broccoli needed everyone to realise what an absurd name he had and decided to release a film so terrible that a character Xenia Onatopp wasn’t the worst thing about it. That film was Goldeneye, obviously. Can you see Xenia Onatopp being in the Lion King? But regardless of how ball-clenchingly awful Goldeneye is, the title song is all sorts of fantastic.

Sung by Tina ‘Whats Love Scot To Do, Scot To Do With It’ Turner, but written by Bono and The Edge from that U2, it went on to become one of Turner’s biggest hits. Unfortunately someone decided that getting Nicole Sherzinger to record a version of it for the 2010 re-release of Goldeneye for the Wii was a good idea. There’s literally nothing that that woman won’t ruin. First Goldeneye, then Cheryl Cole’s career.

Goldfinger

‘Goldfinger’ is generally seen as one of the quintessentially Bond-esque themes from the series, with Shirley Bassey’s soaring vocals reminding people that there really is a career for men to dress up as women and sing show tunes. Didn’t do Paloma Faith any harm. This is the song that people sing with an accent more than any other (disregarding Shaggy OBV).

A View To A Kill

Simon Le Bon. The Eiffel Tower. Grace Jones. Hot.

For Your Eyes Only

Sheena Easton was pretty big news in the 80s. Her broad Glaswegian accent kept people confused while she flooded the charts with songs about morning trains (not a euphemism for a morning erection) before releasing a song so filthy that it would make Christina Aguilera blush before thumbing herself off in the car park of a Best Buy somewhere. Obviously after singing about your vagina the only way to go next is singing with pint-sized pop penis Prince.

A vagine warbling ballad isn’t what the Bond people were after, so they got her to sing a song that was, although immense, has no oblique reference to vaginas or anything vaginal. Although if you listened to it thinking of vagines, it does take on a more twisted, and sexier edge.

“You can see so much in me, so much in me that’s new. I never felt til I looked at you.” the filthy bitch sings.

We Have All The Time In The World

Although this Louis Armstrong song may be more iconic from other places, it’s the setting that makes it memorable. Taken from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, played over the closing scenes after Bond’s wife’s murder at the hands of pussy lover Blofeld, it resonates the tragedy that although Bond may be one of the most powerful characters in fiction, he will always have danger surrounding his family. That and regular STD checks.

You Only Live Twice

The most iconic, and covered Bond themes (but we can’t hold Robbie Williams against it, Cee Lo Green we can), You Only Live Twice is the Bond theme that most people will hum if they were asked. Swirling violins and romantic horns remind everyone of lying almost comatose on a hungover filled Bank Holiday and wanting the pain in your head to stop.

The angelic vocals from Nancy Sinatra compliment the song to such an massive degree that we can’t say anything bad about. We’ll just leave you to listen to it and compose ourselves in the corner.

Are we crying? Of course not.

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Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.

It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.

When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.

The actress who was apparently in that James Bond film (the one that everyone forgets about), wed the star of ‘Hot Shots’ and ‘Coke-Fuelled Porn Parties’ in 2002, but their marriage fell apart just three years later – and the couple briefly became bitter enemies, regularly developing nefarious schemes in order to see the other fall from a great height onto ACME explosives.

Now, six years later, the pair are friends and devoted parents to their daughters and appear to have put their acrimonious history behind them in the interest of publicity the children. The pair are often seen spending time together and Richards insists she will always put Sheen on a pedestal as a father, and she still thinks he’s one of the biggest influences in her life.

Presumably because he systematically ruined it for so long.

She told Ryan Seacrest’s Kiis-FM radio show,

“He gave me the two greatest gifts (in) our daughters! I really believe that people come in to our life, and we learn different things… I honestly believe that he has been one of my greatest teachers as far as life lessons. As painful as it all was I would do it all again because I have amazing children.”

There you go then. Apparently you can be a complete dick to someone as long as you impregnate them. Excellent advice for us all.

Denise Richards’ new film “Hey! Hey! Look At Me! I’m Over Here!” directed by Michael Bay will be out next summer.

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Hey! Have you heard the news that Mike Myers has pretty much signed up to star in a fourth Austin Powers film? We’re legally obliged to say ‘Groovy baby’ here or someone from a big Hollywood studio will leak our sex tape.

The Commie bastards.

Anyway, Myers isn’t the first person to rip-off Bond in the movies. Far from it! In fact, Bond is probably the most aped person in cinema history (don’t argue – we haven’t really thought about it and don’t rightly care). So what else is there? Well, let us just put it this way, in comparison to some Bond spoofs, Austin Powers almost looks like a documentary about spies.

So while Myers dons his wonky teeth, chest wig (it is a wig, right?) and stacked heels, he might want to do some research into these parodies, homages and take-offs that exist in the world of cinema already.

We wouldn’t want him purloining jokes that have already been done a thousand times already would we?

Christ no.

Anyway, here’s ten James Bond parodies. Feel free to submit your own in the comments with a heightened level of outrage that we had the gall to overlook whatever stupid thing it is you suggest.

Dr Goldfoot and his Bikini Machine

With ace theme from The Supremes, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine is a ’65 romp starring Vincent Price, Frankie Avalon and a buncha other people taking on the ultra popular Goldfinger. The story revolves around Goldfoot’s bikini-wearing female robots and that’s all you need to know.

Carry On Spying

This ’64 spoof was the 9th Carry On film, which is notable for being Barbara Windsor’s first appearance in the series. Kenneth Williams steals the show while Charles Hawtrey plays Agent Double 0-oh! It does exactly what it says on the tin, as well as featuring Bernard Cribbings in a bikini.

Operation Kid Brother

Also known as ‘OK Connery’, this fantastically terrible Italian Eurospy spoofer is set up with the story that England’s best secret agent is not available. As such, his younger brother is brought in win the day. Better yet is that the producers actually hired Neil Connery – Sean Connery’s actual younger brother – to play the starring role. Oddly, the producers decided to dub over Connery’s voice with that of an American.

Russ Abbott’s Basildon Bond

Russ Abbott playing a rubbish spy with Bella Emberg and Les Dennis. What’s not to like?

PG Tips Brook Bond

Chimps drinking tea while sporting fake beards and holding guns. You could easily argue that this is better than every James Bond film put together.

Kiss The Girls And Make Them Die

Se Tutte le Donne del Mondo (or If All the Women in the World, or Kiss The Girls And Make Them Die) is a ’66 spoof which is like Moonraker, only rubbish. In a good way, of course. It has a fantastic title too!

The Last of the Secret Agents

Two Americans in Paris are recruited by the Good Guys Institute (GGI) to stop THEM (the baddies, not Van Morrison’s band) from stealing the Venus De Milo. While that’s all well and good, the best part of the film is that Nancy Sinatra does the theme for it and it really is fantastic.

Spy Hard

It’s a Leslie Nielsen film. What on Earth do you expect of it?

Johnny English

Rowan Atkinson stops playing Mr Bean and crashing incredibly expensive cars for long enough to parody Bond in a manner which Americans clearly enjoy more than Europeans.

Mr Bond

Indian musical, starring Akshay Kumar which puts Bond in a yellow tracksuit and makes him sing. He is referred to as “Mr. Bond” throughout the entire movie, which is brilliantly cheeky.

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Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz have got married! Isn’t that adorable? As you know, we’ve been rooting for these guys for pretty much forever. And finally, after what has felt like ‘a very long time’ – the pair secretly got married in New York State last night, with only four very close family members as witnesses. AW GUYS! One slight problem.

SINCE WHEN HAVE RACHEL WEISZ AND DANIEL CRAIG SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LET ALONE FALLEN IN LOVE AND HAD ‘ROMANTIC RELATIONS’? (Sex.)

Not even pinnacles of celebrity journalism nosy parkers Daily Mail got wind of an engagement of any sort, although they did mention that ‘they saw Daniel and Rachel holding hands once’. Blush.

So, now that we all do know about it – we can get about six months worth of judgement of their relationship out the way now.

Okay? Do Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig make a good celebrity couple?

Here are a couple of pointers to properly deduce that.

PORTMANTEAU AVAILABILITY

3/10

Brangelina sounds so amazingly twattish, that it remains the top benchmark for any celebrity couple headline, followed closely by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ of ‘Bennifer’ fame. Brownie points go to Paris Hilton for blowing everybody’s minds by actually going out with someone called Paris for a while, and it being TRUE LOVE all at the same time.

As far as Rachel and Daniel go, there is no legitimate pun that properly meshes their names, which as we know – is the measure for true, uncharted love. Even Victoria Beckham’s adoration for her bobbed haircut, ‘The Pob’ managed to ruthlessly burn away any memory of an demented ’80s childhood puppet. Bitch.

Basically, Daniel and Rachel’s first names make ‘Rachel’, so it’s a gradual descent from here on in. ‘Craiz’ is the best one we’ve managed to muster so far. And it’s lousy. Someone email it to the 3am Girls just in case though. In terms of films the pair have both starred in, there is not much luck there either.

ABOUT A (WEDDING) JOY! THE NAME’S MARRIED! JAMES MARRIED RACHEL WEISZ, THAT IS!

LORD ASRIEL MEETS HIS SAPHIRA (From that film Eragon)

Hopeless.

ATTRACTIVENESS RATIO

7/10

Depends if you fancy boys or girls, really. But if you can properly adopt the Antony Costa Rules of Love for this situation, (ie: ANYBODY WILL DO) you can begin to appreciate that Daniel is only really attractive in that sort of ripped ‘shame about the face’ kind of way.

We’ve seen what Rachel Weisz would look like if she had cancer, and being mounted by Hugh Jackman in a bath, and we’d still tap that. (A heterosexual woman is writing this article.)

Also, when you look like an ugly version of your own ugly lookalike, that definitely puts things into perspective.

IN COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

DANIEL – 2/10
RACHEL – 8/10

This one is pretty straight forward. Both of the parties were married with children for long periods of time prior to their current relationship. Daniel Craig was with a film producer Satsuki Mitchell for a long time, and she seems quite lovely from photos. This is based on a flowery dress, and not much else.

Rachel of course was famously married to Darren Aronofksy for 8 years, which was one of those awesome director/actor relationships which always ended in *wavy hand* movies when they actually worked together. Such as Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet’s Revolutionary Road, and Rachel and Darren’s The Fountain. Both enjoyable films, but its probably fair to say that ultimately, we still enjoyed Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale’s Underworld movies more.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Although -

No, it was a lie.

PROBABILITY THAT THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER

2/10.

Congratulations Daniel and Rachel!

This post was written by Sophie Hall who is a master of magic, spells and illusion. Enemies grumble with fear and confusion.

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When the Oscars come ’round, they’re going to have to make a special place for the greatest musician to work in Hollywood – John Barry – who has sadly thrown off his mortal coil and gone off toward heaven, presumably, with a really great fanfare arranged for himself. He was 77.

John Barry, a chap who spent his youth in Yorkshire and Lancashire and ended up living and breathing life into the silver screen, won five Oscars and an OBE in a career that saw him pretty much surpass everyone else who every wrote a note for a film. Along with Lalo Schifrin and John Williams, Barry was one of the golden three who could managed to find fame outside of the trivia books of movie buffs.

Working famously on a number of James Bond films, as well as Dances With Wolves, Ipcress File, Born Free, Midnight Cowboy and Out of Africa the lad born John Barry Prendergast, made some of the most enduring soundtracks in cinema’s long history. It’s here we celebrate him with his own music.

Before starting his career as a grand orchestrator for film, Barry found fame in the pop-charts with beat-jazz combo, the John Barry Seven.

It was his ear for a good pop melody and a background in jazz that saw his soundtracks elevated above many, making gloriously grand themes coupled with catchy, beat driven scores.

We’ve lost one of the most outrageously gifted musicians to ever tread foot in England, and here, we look at ten of his best pieces of work.

Of course, we have missed loads out – why not tell us your favourites in the comments? There’s a Spotify playlist for those that have it, here.

Midnight Cowboy

For our money, Midnight Cowboy is Barry’s greatest score. While he’ll forever be associated with Bond, the theme from Midnight Cowboy shows the depth of Barry’s range. That nod to the West with that lone, bittersweet harmonica and one of the most lush, beautiful orchestrated backings in cinematic history… this is tough to beat for greatest piece of music to be used by Hollywood.

Beat Girl (Main Theme)

Exploito 60s film, Beat Girl, was made to cash in on the beatnik craze that was rampant in Britain all those years ago. Not a problem for John Barry as his fondness for creating a mood, alongside his penchant for jazz made him the perfect man to create the music for a buncha degenerates.

Theme from The Persuaders

Another classic theme, this time, for cult TV favourite, the Persuaders. A galloping, shadowy theme was created to give the show an injection of intrigue and, above all, class.

Goldfinger

Perhaps Barry’s most famous piece of work, Goldfinger could well have been written about the man himself as he undoubtedly was the man with a Midas touch when it came to making music. We don’t need to say much more. Just listen to the damn thing.

Born Free

With Don Black, Barry has, quite possibly, made the soundtrack to the great outdoors and that spirit of adventure. Barry won numerous awards for his work on this score.

Game Of Death

One of Barry’s lesser-favoured works, mainly thanks to the fact that the film itself was a badly judged piece of work, designed to cash-in on the death of Bruce Lee. That doesn’t make John Barry’s music any worse though. Game of Death sees Barry in full pomp, making a dramatic piece of music filled with swelling strings, brash brass and synthesisers. One of his finest themes.

James Bond Theme

There’s been much quarrelling and speculation about John Barry’s involvement with the James Bond theme – did he write it? Did he only put (admittedly, incredible) flesh on the bones of Monty Norman’s brass melody? Either way, Barry’s involvement can’t be underestimated as this remains probably the most famous theme in the world. One argument for Barry’s contribution to the piece is…

Bee’s Knees

Bee’s Knees is often held up as a piece of work by Barry that shows just what he gave to the James Bond theme. A lot of the ideas in this great little beat-track can be found in the Bond theme, while Monty Norman’s score for Dr No, theme aside, sounds nothing like it. Barry’s part in the track made it magic, no question.

John Dunbar Theme (from Dances With Wolves)

While you may not like Kevin Coster or Dances With Wolves, the music contained in the film is one of John Barry’s greatest works.

We Have All The Time In The World

What else could we finish with? You’ll be missed John!

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Early and late.

Folded:

• For Your Height Only (3ft tall Bond kicking ass? You’re welcome)
• Michael Douglas photobombing (love this guy)
• The King’s Speech poised to win the world (oh, but it is jolly good)
• A man from the early nineties singing (your bodyweight in crisps for whoever has the guts to admit how great this song is)
• Follow Betfair on Twitter (you will laugh with every single tweet. Even the ones about betting)

Creased:

• Madonna will probably die soon (here’s the proof)
• Baby in a microwave toy? (off to Japan we go)
• The mystery of Facebook Likes (if you feel yourself warming to Mark Zuckerberg, read this and think of him in his stupid flipflops again)
• BBC uses the world’s most offensive swear word ever. Again (they can’t help themselves)
• Black Swan (only because we are sick to death of hearing about it. Good film though)

Oooh! Daniel Craig! Eh girls? Those swimming trunks! Eh girls? Those massive solid gym boobs! Eh girls? Daniel Craig! James Bond! Trunks! Eh girls? If you squint, you can imagine what he looks like naked, ammaright girls?! DANIEL CRAIG! NO TOP ON! OH GOD! I THINK I’M GOING TO CUM JUST TYPING HIS NAME OUT! EH GIIIIRRRLLLS?

And so, the world of women collectively start dribbling down their legs at the news that there’s a good chance that the new James Bond film will star Daniel Craig and he’ll probably take his top off a few times throughout. Of course, the film is likely to be rubbish, so women could simply stare at a picture of Craig on Google Images and be done with it.

As for fans of the film franchise, then this must be the news you knew was coming anyway (no new Bond’s have been talked about, so it barely feels like news, does it?).

Of course, the new Bond film nearly didn’t happen, thanks to ‘financial problems’, but like Bond, the franchise wriggled free at the last minute and save itself from getting its balls zapped down the middle by a laser. This means that it can make a big fuss of the fact that the new flick will be the 50th anniversary of the Ian Fleming based movies.

Daniel Craig will have yet another stab at playing 007, and invariably continue to take all the fun out of the role by constantly brooding into camera with a look in his eyes that says “one false move and… I’LL TAKE MY TOP OFF!”

The 23rd Bond will be directed by Sam Mendes who directed American Beauty, which probably means that we’ll get to see Bond in the suburbs, worrying about stuff in his kitchen before wanking off over a barely legal girl in a bath filled with rotting flowers.

007 will be back on 9th November 2012 with production set to kick-off at the end of this year. You’re thrilled to bits aren’t you?

Rumour has it that Michael Sheen will play the bad guy in this, which actually could be rather good (and camp), which Daniel Craig (a man made entirely of wood) could really benefit from.

UNLESS HE TAKES HIS TOP OFF! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP*

The cinemas will be filled with so many aroused women that they’ll end up being like thawing ice rinks. You disgusting harridans.

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Remember when the James Bond films were required viewing every Bank Holiday, he drove awesome cars and had a digital watch that could shoot lasers? And you were 10 years old and everything was completely brilliant?

Then you remember Roger Moore.

Well he’s back, and targeting …. erm. Pate and stuff.

Pierce Brosnan is, we imagine, furious that his news thunder may have been stolen by Moore, what with him soon reappearing on the telly in what sounds like a rubbish version of the Rockford Files.

Which is NOTHING compared to taking-on a SHOP. And WINNING.

Like Roger Moore has.

That’s because Brosnan’s Bond was always Moore Lite. And whilst exec-producing and co-starring in some new telly ‘tec show – as reported today – it’s nothing compared to bringing a SHOP to it’s knees with nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

Yeah. You heard us. A SHOP. He fettled SMERSH ages ago. They had to make up a new organisation for Daniel Criag.  Who just looks puzzled by it.

Yes, as a representative of PETA, Moore has convinced Harvey Nics to stop stocking foie gras. Reports that he did this whilst flying a small aeroplane that was hidden in the back of a horses’ arse like in Octopussy are unconfirmed.

Following what we like to believe was the sound of a Walther PPK safety-catch being released, Moore stated

“I will now be turning my attention to a little shop in Piccadilly called Fortnum & Mason, which PETA informs me is resistant to appeals for compassion”

How ‘Bond’ is THAT? It’s like when he casually ‘offed’ Blofeld in the first couple of minutes of ‘Live and Let Die’.

Look over your shoulder the next time you’re in Waitrose. That’s all we’re saying.

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Now that Daniel Craig has been James Bond for a while, we all know what we can expect from his films.

Punching. And grunting. And silly blue knickers. And no invisible cars. And up to two scenes where James Bond looks a bit sad and a foreign woman babbles on incoherently about how his mind is like a prison, to show that he’s all sensitive and modern and whatever. And no fun. That last one’s very important. There must be no fun whatsoever.

So good news, fun-haters! The director of Bond 23 has been announced as Sam Mendes who, so far in his career, has made a film about the horrors of war, a film about the horrors of organised crime, a film about the horrors of gory abortions and a film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. Hooray! This new James Bond film is going to be no fun at all!

It’s such a good idea to get Sam Mendes to direct Bond 23. After all, getting a well-respected arthouse director with no experience of action movies to take on something as expensive and formulaic as a James Bond film is genius. Just think – all those trademark Bond fight scenes interspersed with moments of genuinely challenging cerebral drama. It’s nothing short of a masterstroke.

Or at least it was nothing short of a masterstroke back in 2008 when the bloke who did The Kite Runner was roped in to make Quantum Of Solace. But then look how that turned out – the action scenes were clumsy and the quiet moments of cerebral drama largely consisted of James Bond sitting in a cave and frowning for about four seconds. Oh, and the baddie screamed like a girl. Oh, and the theme-tune was stupid. Oh, and James Bond actually wore a cardigan at one point.

God, Quantum Of Solace was crap, wasn’t it?

But the new Bond film will be different, because Sam Mendes is doing it. And he’s good at everything. He’s made the best-ever directionless film about Jake Gyllenhaal looking sad in a metal helmet. He’s made the best-ever directionless film about some beardy hippies driving about and mumbling to each other. He’s made the best-ever film about Kate Winslet getting the world’s most harrowing abortion. And he’s made the best-ever film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. We can smell the box office success from here.

So what will Sam Mendes do with Bond 23? Here are the three most likely outcomes:

1 - Sam Mendes will quickly find all of his big dramatic ideas being trampled on by producers, who basically just want a hacky, generic Bond film despite the big-name director. The end result will contain action scenes that aren’t very actiony, dramatic scenes that aren’t very dramatic and James Bond will somehow end up in another bloody cardigan.

2 - James Bond will be a sad suburban father looking for the meaning of his own existence. The film will show him mournfully staring off into the middle distance for no reason whatsoever, strolling around in the world’s most melancholy pair of swimming trunks and fighting his arch nemesis – the plastic bag that sort of flaps about in the air for a while.

3 - James Bond will be a charming, quick-witted playboy cad who flies around the world getting drunk and shagging supermodels in a selection of nice suits. He’ll drive a car that shoots missiles out of its headlights, kill foreigners with a vast array of ridiculous gadgets and generally look as if he’s having the best time of his sodding life.

That last one isn’t particularly likely to happen, by the way. But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

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Everyone loves a sequel, and everyone else loves a remake.

After all, why should you have to get to know confusing new characters and unfamiliar situations when what you really want is a temporary lobotomy to shield you from the trials and banalities of actual life? It’s far more comforting to see a slightly different version of something you already know about, like the recent TRANSFORMERS 2: HELL YES and STAR TREK: BUT FASTER.

With that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of films for you to watch next summer while you sink into your air conditioned seat, overdosing on Minstrels. I hereby proudly present my Top Twelve Non-Existent Sequels…

1. PORCUPINES ON A HOT AIR BALLOON – After the underwhelming Bees In A Car, Samuel L Jackson teams up with ‘hilarious’ ‘actor’ Martin Lawrence to deliver the final instalment of the animals-in-vehicles trilogy in a movie event that can only be described as ‘awesome’.

Martin Lawrence wants to get these monkey-fightin' porcupines off this Monday-to-Friday hot air balloon.

2. REMIND ME AGAIN WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Jennifer ‘Love’ Hewitt and Freddie ‘Prinz’ Junior receive threatening phone calls from an old man who can’t remember why he is trying to kill them with a hook. So scary you will literally shit yourself.

She's happy because she's forgotten about the hook.

3. MY NEW BEST FRIEND’S BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING AND A FUNERAL – Martin Freeman navigates a series of awkward parties, fumbling his way through faux pas after faux pas until he dies of food poisoning and has to be cremated. Contains awkward nudity.

..and a funeral

4. THURSDAY THE 12th PART NONE - Horror prequel in which a group of young friends packs to go on holiday, with a nagging sensation that they’re forgetting something. Contains bad decisions and extreme violence.

Young Jason

5. BATMAN BEGUINES - Bruce Wayne must win a ballroom dancing contest to prevent clown shaped villains from taking over the town hall with their clown shaped knives and guns.

6. DIE HARD ZERO – Rookie cop John McClane (probably played by Shia LaBeouf) busts heads on the streets of New York City while his wife grows ever more disillusioned and drops hints that she might one day think about moving to L.A.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker

7. TERMINATOR 5: SOFT TARGETS – a robot carefully designed to look like an old Arnold Schwarzenegger travels back to Victorian times to kick John Connor’s great-grandfather in the nuts. Contains mild peril, and kicks in the nuts.

I need your clothes, your boots, and your penny farthing

8. MATRIX: REMORTGAGES – an old man sits in a white room, painstakingly describing the other Matrix films to Keanu Reeves. Contains padding.

He totally gets it

9. INDIANA JONES AND THE EPISODE OF THE CRYSTAL MAZE – Indy, young Indy, old Indy, and the shadow of a former Indy, explore four challenge zones, completing basic tasks to collect crystals, while Richard O’Brien plays the harmonica sarcastically.

Turns out it's an alien spaceship. Seriously.

10. MAD MAX: THE PASSION OF THE MAX – Mel Gibson directs and stars in this action redux. Contains unsettling graphic scenes of genuine masturbation.

Almost... there...

11. ALIEN VERSUS KEVIN: LOST IN NEW SPACE – Hilarity ensues as Macauley Culkin rigs up a collection of tar-and-feather style booby traps in an abandoned spaceship, during a violent alien onslaught.

Tee hee! It's gonna get hit by a bucket of paint!

12. AUSTIN POWERS: A QUANTUM OF BOLLOCKS – Mike Myers fantasises about the 1960s in a Scottish accent.

Dr Evil

There. Hollywood can have those ideas for free. All I ask for is a 5% cut of Minstrel sales and an advanced copy of the special edition DVDs. Apart from the Mad Max one.

This was a guest post by Jimi Odell from Blogtired, and he’s pretty much Captain Brilliant as far as we’re concerned.

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What’s hot and what’s not. That expression falls into the latter category.

Folded:

• James Bond Sundays (classic Bond movies being shown at sixty cinemas across the UK. That should shake your hangover off)
• Bizarre ER (the cartoons are funny)
• Wearing socks (just because it’s been a bit warmer lately doesn’t mean we need to dress like we’re on holiday in the Dordogne)
• Ray Mears (he likes his tea)
• Heather Graham (at 39 years old she is only one vital step away from being the hottest milf on the planet)

Creased:

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (baffling and boring, and not in a Kafka way either)
• Birds twittering in the morning (at 3 am now?! Cursed summer)
• Miley Cyrus to kill Radiohead (thanks for the heads up by Joke Police. Don’t expect Miley was that chuffed with Thom’s response here. Though she speaks so damn fast who really knows for sure?)
• Bear Grylls (he likes boy scouts)
• Isabel Lucas (see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The girl is orange. Literally orange)

10 - Ladies and gentlemen, our new favourite website. Hit ‘random’ and discover why – 5secondfilms

9 – A bunch more reasons to be terrified of caterpillars – Environmentalgraffiti

8 – Bear Grylls and Will Ferrell – a marriage made in… what? They’re not married? Fine – YouTube

7 - 20 flat-out amazing TV adverts for different sorts of Star Wars crap - Gunaxin

6 - Here’s that Cassetteboy/ Apprentice mash-up you’ve already seen a million times – YouTube

5 – Beating a man up with a live swan: cruel or awesome? Cruel, obviously. But, you know… - Spiegel

4 – Look at this quite nice picture of an iceberg – Flickr

3 – Here’s a disturbing video of a man in a dress rapping about why he doesn’t like long films – YouTube

2 – This just in: you are DIRTY – Nationalgeographic

1 - This man will be in the next James Bond film. Guaranteed…