And now this. For what appears to be the billionth year on the trot, Britney Spears has been named as the most popular Yahoo search term of the year. Well, technically it was a combination of the search terms ‘Is Britney Spears dead yet?’, ‘Has Britney Spears died?’ ‘Seriously, is Britney Spears dead or not?’ and ‘Britney Speerz is funy LOL’ but none of those scan as well.

What’s most impressive is that Britney Spears managed to beat Barack Obama to the number one spot, which has to smart given his accomplishments this year. But it’s totally his fault – Obama had plenty of chances to put on a pink wig, wander aimlessly through a car park and babble in a British accent in the grip of a full-blown psychiatric meltdown, but instead he chose to become president-elect of America, the big idiot.

No matter how spectacularly she manages to destroy every conceivable aspect of her personal and professional life each year, the first week of December always provides a little bit of a respite for Britney Spears.

Not only is it Britney Spears’ birthday week, which at least allows her to chalk off another year lost to the ravages of alarming mental illness, but it’s also the week when Yahoo announces that more people search for her on the internet than anything else.

We’ve been here before, of course – Britney Spears was the top Yahoo search term in the year when she divorced the father of her children, the year when she shaved her hair and went completely batshit mental and a year prior to those when Britney seemed comparatively normal.

So let’s be fair, being popular on the internet is all Britney Spears has got and, by God, does she ever fight hard to hang onto her crown. Remaining the top internet search term in 2008 was always going to be tricky for Britney – not only had Barack Obama made history by becoming the first ever black president of America, but Britney’s arsehole parents wouldn’t even let her go outside and drive a car through an orphanage or punch cattle square in the face or whatever it is the voices in her head tell her to do – but by christ, she’s done it. According to AP:

Spears bested World Wrestling Entertainment, Barack Obama, Miley Cyrus and the online game “RuneScape” as the five most-searched terms of 2008, the Web portal and search company announced Monday, a day before the singer released her new album “Circus.” Jessica Alba, the anime series “Naruto,” Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie and “American Idol” rounded out the top 10 list.

So how did Britney Spears do it? Well, the fact that Womanizer made it to number one probably helped, as did the heartwarming news that Britney was about to go on her first full tour in several years. And, oh, what was that last thing? We had it a moment ago, but… oh yes, that’s it – the way that Britney Spears had a full-on juddering meltdown that ended up with her being literally locked in a padded room because she couldn’t even remember how to chew food properly. That might have also been a reason, in retrospect.

So congratulations to Britney Spears for being the top internet search term for the fourth consecutive year. And good luck for 2009 because, short of hijacking a bus and driving it off a bridge, we genuinely don’t know how you’re going to out-crazy 2008.

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But so far there’s been so much kerfuffle about everything surrounding Circus – like the documentaries, the artwork, the tracklisting, the likelihood of Britney Spears going berserk and smearing her genitals up and down a shop window a day after its release – that nobody really knows what Circus by Britney Spears actually sounds like.

Well, we do. And it seems like the classic Britney Spears sound is back – you know, sort of generic and forgettable and not very good. How do we know this? Because all of Circus by Britney Spears is available on the internet. Where on the internet? Why, right after the jump if you close your eyes and believe enough.

Since it’s her great big comeback album – the album where she’s controversially not going to shave all her hair off and run through the streets babbling unintelligible threats in a sub-Madonna British accent while promoting it – Britney Spears has piqued all sorts of interest with her new album Circus.

For instance, Circus is being released on Britney Spears’ birthday? Why is that? Does it signal her rebirth as a recording artist? And why is it called Circus anyway? Is it a reflection of the media attention that Britney Spears has received? Is it because Britney Spears has been made to feel like a performing bear? Is it because Britney Spears can only be kept in one place if there’s a man with a chair and a whip near her at all times? Is it because, instead of rational thought, the only noise going through Britney Spears’ head at any given time is a warped nightmarish version of Entrance Of The Gladiators by Julius Fučík?

To be honest we were hoping that some of these questions would be answered by next week’s Britney: For The Record documentary that’s being released to help promote Circus but, since most previews have described the documentary as basically an hour of anguished squealing, that’s not going to happen.

Instead we’ll just have to wait for Britney Spears to release Circus and then pick through it for clues about Britney’s mental state. Or, alternatively, since Britney Spears has decided to stream Circus through imeem for free a week before it comes out, we’ll just do that instead. And you can, too. Here, have a listen…

So it turns out that Circus by Britney Spears sounds like that one ‘N Sync album from seven years ago, then. That’s not necessarily a bad thing – at least seven years ago Britney hadn’t been sent doolally by childbirth, Kevin Federline and multiple appearances on How I Met Your Mother.

If you’re like us, you’re probably finding it quite hard to pick a favourite song on Circus. Not because the songs are all so good – or so bad, for that matter – but because this seems to be Britney’s ‘babble like a mental alien’ album. So, rather than pick a favourite song, we’ve decided to list our top three nonsensical Britney Spears yelps from Circus instead:

3 - Haha hihi haha ho” – If U Seek Amy

2 - “Glayeeass glayeeass glayeeass glayeeass” – Shattered glass

1 - “Oompapa oompapa oompapi oompapi ooh papi ooh papi ooh lammy ooh lappy ooh papi uh ow” – Mmm Papi

You’re welcome.

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Popsugar has a book club. A book club. Can you imagine the comment wars if we actually made you go and read a book? Insanity – Popsugar

The perfect video. At first you’ll hate it, then you’ll enjoy it in an ironic way, but 98 seconds in you’ll find yourself actually in love with it. Fact.

Now you come to mention it, what is going on with Meg Matthews‘ face? – Holy Moly

Weezer are making a new album. Maybe this one will only make us want to pull one of our ears off and stamp on it - NME

The greatest imaginary places where all the imaginary people on TV hang out – Yep Yep

Older than 35? Near Texas? Sexy? Female? You should apply for this here TV show. Then call us – TV Land

Ha ha ha look, funny translated signs in bad English that we found on the internet. Ha ha ha. Funny – Allfunnystuff

Everything you need to know about the new Metallica album. Literally everything - Popjustice

“Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove” – Kiss This Guy

You will thank us for this. Follow MC Hammer on Twitter – Twitter

You do? Then does Michael Moore have a treat for you! What with this being an election year, it’s Michael Moore’s duty to ram hectoring, boorish, borderline propagandaish political information down everyone’s throats until they literally fart tedium. Only this time, he’s going to do it for free.

Michael Moore has announced that his fans can watch his new movie Slacker Uprising for free on the internet. Provided they do it in a designated three-week window and live in North America, that is. If this doesn’t include you, don’t get upset – you can probably achieve the same effect by going up to a fat tramp and getting him to whine about the government for a couple of hours and then shout at a building through a megaphone.

As things stand, there’s quite a big chance that America won’t have a Republican president by next year. And, as such, there’s quite a big chance that Michael Moore will be out of a job.

Michael Moore’s really come into his own over the last eight years by churning out films and books all about the various ways that the Republicans have narked him off, so if Barack Obama gets into power he’ll be reduced to making documentaries about kittens and writing books called I Essentially Agree With Everything Now: The Dumb Noddings Of Michael Moore.

So, on the off-chance that happens, Michael Moore needs to go out with a bang. But not the old sort of Michael Moore bang – the sort where he’d deliberately break the law and then bitch about it for months after – this time Michael Moore wants to go out on a completely new type of bang.

That’s right – Michael Moore’s doing a Radiohead.

Not literally, obviously – Michael Moore isn’t going to make one of his eyes go all squinty and wail about existential alienation in a manner that depresses a teenagers – but he is going to give his new film away for free on the internet. BBC News reports:

Oscar winner Michael Moore is to release his latest documentary free of charge on the internet. Slacker Uprising will be available as a download to North American viewers for three weeks from 23 September. Moore said he had considered a cinematic release to coincide with the current presidential race, but decided the internet would best “help get the vote out for November”.

And, if you don’t live in America, plan to observe the three-week Karlstad treaty memorial internet boycott that starts on September 23 or just don’t like Michael Moore very much, here’s the closest you’ll ever get to Slacker Uprising – the trailer…

Clever huh? It looks to us like Michael Moore spent all that money filming his political tour of America but couldn’t really release it as a film afterwards because everyone ended up voting for George Bush – ultimately making the tour a failure – only to later realise he could pin it to Barack Obama’s upsurge in popularity and make it look as if he invented getting young people to vote all along. But we could be wrong.

Either way, it’s nice to be given stuff for free – even if we’re not geographically allowed to watch the poxy thing anyway – so just imagine how much nicer it would be if the film was about something other than two hours of people congratulating Michael Moore for being such a bloody decent person.

It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ’story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?

But not any more because Prince and Radiohead are at loggerheads – the kind of loggerheads that will either end in legal action or a hot hot dwarf-on-perpetual-student erotic gangbang.

It’s all over YouTube footage of Prince performing Radiohead’s Creep at a festival, you see. Prince being Prince, he’s had all videos removed from the internet; but Radiohead being Radiohead, they want the videos unblocked because they wrote the song. Who’ll win? It’s unclear, but it had better not end up with the gangbang scenario, because that’s going to result in one ugly unwanted baby.

The internet has really thrown some cats among the pigeons of the music industry, and it’s opened up a fairly deep schism. On one side are those who think that the internet is the perfect way to forge grass-roots support free of the machinations of record labels and multi-album distribution deals, and on the other side are those who think that the internet devalues music and that artists should always be compensated for their work.

Previously those two ideas had stayed far apart, but they came crashing together in April when Prince played a version of Radiohead’s Creep at the Coachella festival, a gathering that was otherwise exceptional only because a pig blew off.

What was the Prince version of Creep like? Well, if it was anything like his version of the Foo Fighters song he played in London last year, it was pretty sodding abominable. But the truth is we don’t know what it was like, because Prince has yanked all recordings of it from YouTube and other video sharing websites.

Prince has a hardline stance on the internet. Even though he was possibly the first major artist to use the internet for distribution of his music over a decade ago, he’s since taken against anyone who wants to use his music or image on the internet, even if it’s a video of a baby dancing to a barely audible version of Let’s Go Crazy, and had all unauthorised work removed for breach of copyright.

But now Radiohead claim that Creep’s copyright belongs to Radiohead, and that the videos should go back online. CNN reports:

In a recent interview, Thom Yorke said he heard about Prince’s performance from a text message and thought it was “hilarious.” Yorke laughed when his bandmate, guitarist Ed O’Brien, said the blocking had prevented him from seeing Prince’s version of their song. “Really? He’s blocked it?” asked Yorke, who figured it was their song to block or not. “Surely we should block it. Hang on a moment.” Yorke added: “Well, tell him to unblock it. It’s our … song.”

Of course Radiohead would say that. Radiohead love the internet, to the extent that they’re happy to give their music away for almost free on the internet. Radiohead love the internet and want to kiss it and have lots of sad-faced cyborgy children with it.

But we’re not even going to pretend that we know who’s got the legal upper hand here. However, it’s definitely good that there’s an argument, because it’s bound to cause two very brilliant things indeed:

1 - As a payback, Radiohead will record a special YouTube concert of nothing but Prince covers and refuse to remove the videos no matter what. This is good because as well as being a clever fan-pleasing reversal, it’ll also be funny to watch Thom Yorke – a man who tends to aim for ’sexy’ and hit ’six-year-old boy being ordered to kiss his grandmother goodbye’ – singing a song about a woman wanking herself off with a magazine, and

2 - Prince will stop playing interminable cover versions in the middle of his concerts and just do bloody Alphabet Street like everyone wants.

Or Prince and Radiohead will just keep squabbling until everyone thinks they’re all dicks. And that’s more likely, admittedly.

Like that time Lindsay Lohan accepted our MySpace 'friend request.' How was hecklerspray supposed to know that 'friend request' didn't mean 'please stand outside my house shouting inappropriate sexual slurs before being dragged off by the police in a haze of tear-gas and rubber bullets'? And don't even get us started on that time the internet promised us a load of money from Nigeria.

Pain is only relevant, however, if shared by a celebrity. Any fool knows that. Which is why hecklerspray is particularly enamoured with Kelly Clarkson - she hates the internet too, and she's going to tell you all about it. Well, actually, we are. In a vaguely sarcastic manner. Before linking to the story itself. Come on, you know the score by now.

Why does Kelly Clarkson hate the cyber-realm all of a sudden? Because it went behind her back and stole some of her new unfinished tracks, that's why. Then what did the internet do? It went and shared them, with the entire world. The unimaginable bastard.

The four songs in question go by the names of Close Your Eyes, Ready, One Day, and With a Little Bit of Luck, which sound less like chart-topping pop classics and more like George describing the rabbits to Lennie. Hecklerspray for one eagerly awaits the next big Clarkson single: I Done Killed Some Girl By Petting Her Hair Too Hard (feat. Justin Timberlake).

What are Kelly Clarkson's thoughts on the whole thing? She had this to say:

"I write all the time – lots of stuff not meant to ever be released, just working on ideas. The fact that people have heard music that's not ready yet sucks, but I hope they like it."

If anyone is interested, we're happy to tell you that the tracks are said to have a 'folksy arrangement' with a 'bare-bones country approach'. We're also happy to tell you that you should consider getting out of the house more. You're actually interested in what new Kelly Clarkson material sounds like? Are you serious?

What next – you're going to get all excited about Shakira's really deep new lyrical content? Is that what's going to happen? Christ, you need to make some changes, man. Pretty soon you could find yourself writing about Kelly Clarkson's new songs in a vaguely sarcastic manner, before linking to the story itself. And how much of a loser would that make you? Eh? Eh?

Eh?

Read More:

Kelly Clarkson Annoyed By Leaked Tracks - Reuters

Radiohead did it, The Charlatans are doing it, and now gloomy old Nine Inch Nails are sort of vaguely doing it a bit as well. Sort of. A bit.

Nine Inch Nails are releasing their 36-tack instrumental album Ghosts I-IV on the internet for free, with the option of spending more to upgrade to something a touch swankier. Truly, historians will look back on this day as the moment when Nine Inch Nails really shook up the long-established Miserable Ambient Wank That Nobody Would Have Paid For Anyway industry. That's right Trent! Stick it to the man!

OK everyone, this is getting out of hand. What happened to the days of queueing up outside Our Price on a Monday morning, waiting to stuff £16 directly up the arse of a ponytailed record executive by buying a horrendously overpriced physical copy of an album on the day of its release? Those were the golden days and no mistake.

Now, every single band in the world is crawling over each other to give their music away to fans on the internet in the vain hope it'll make them look as interesting as Radiohead. It doesn't matter that the members of Radiohead only got about 20p each from every copy of In Rainbows sold, because it made them look cool and interesting and new.

And pretty soon, everyone was at it. The Charlatans are giving away their new album for free and even Cliff Richard is dabbling at the old internet discount thing. And now, chronically aware that black-fingernailed self-pitying post-adolescents with a total lack of any basic social skills whatsoever are being hopelessly under-represented by this free internet music revolution, Nine Inch Nails are getting in on the act, too.

Sort of. Nine Inch Nails are releasing new album Ghosts I-IV to fans for free on the internet, but only a quarter of it – if you want the rest you can either pay full price for it, pay seven times the full price for it or pay 30 times the full price for it and get it in a nicer box.

And instead of being an album jam-packed with tunes reminiscent of classic shiny Nine Inch Nails pop hits like The Wretched and that one about wanting to fuck people like an animal, Ghosts I-IV is actually just a collection of self-indulgent instrumental doodles that nobody would have cared a jot about if they got released normally. Chicago Sun Times reports:

"I’ve been considering and wanting to make this kind of record for years, but by its very nature it wouldn’t have made sense until this point,’’ says Reznor, who collaborated on the music with Alan Moulder, Atticus Ross, Alessandro Cortini, Adrian Belew and Brian Viglione. ‘‘This collection of music is the result of working from a very visual perspective — dressing imagined locations and scenarios with sound and texture; a soundtrack for daydreams. I’m very pleased with the result and the ability to present it directly to you without interference."

Even though in equal parts Ghosts I-IV sounds like the soundtrack to a nuclear power station's education centre, a Barratt Homes new development promotional DVD or a YouTube video posted by someone who's planning to stage a high school shooting, we're sure that Nine Inch Nails will nevertheless find an enthusiastic audience for this new album.

But what really scares us is what'll happen next. Perhaps, bored of simply giving music away for free, bands will actually start paying fans to listen to their music. And would you listen to the new Razorlight album if it came with a fiver taped to it? Would you? Would you really? If you just answered yes to that, then we've got the number of a perfectly decent psychiatric facility that we're happy to pass on.

Read more:

New Nine Inch Nails music live online now – CST 

Having trouble visualising that? Don't be – because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.

Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.

Gene Simmons makes no secret of the fact that he's probably had sex with every female on the face of the planet at least once, including all female animals and your mother. And chances are you're probably wondering how a man with hair that dire manages it.

Well, now an alleged Gene Simmons sex tape has been released to the internet, and his secrets have finally been revealed to the world. And they mainly seem to involve moving really slowly, 1980s soft rock powerballads, keeping your T-shirt on, not taking the chewing gum out of your mouth, being repeatedly refused kisses and generally giving off the impression that you hate every single minute of it.

Anyway, we're rushing ahead of ourselves. Listen – there's a Gene Simmons sex tape on the internet. Gene Simmons from Kiss. A Gene Simmons sex tape. Take that thought in. Savour it. Now run to the toilet, throw up and we'll carry on.

According to the website that it surfaced on, the Gene Simmons sex tape captures an encounter between Gene and some bimbo who helps flog energy drinks. It explains things so much better than we ever could:

What is Gene's Secret? Actually, it's a WHO, and she is a hot little Austrian babe, named Elsa. She is a model, and one of the Frank's Energy Drink Girls, a brand which Gene endorses (apparently to fuel his sex drive.) Elsa and Gene party like rockstars, and we have it all here, EXCLUSIVELY on GenesSecret.com. Elsa loves to Yodel, she loves Octoberfest, maple syrup and Rock & Roll! And of course, she loves Gene's Family Jewels… and even his reality show.

Sources suggest that Gene Simmons is furious that his sex tape has been made public, and this could be for several reasons. Perhaps the tape wounded Gene Simmons' dignity, or perhaps he's just fuming that he hasn't made any money out of it. Or perhaps – just perhaps – he's frightened that viewers of the Gene Simmons sex tape will watch it and realise that they're probably quite a lot better at sex than Gene appears to be.

If Gene Simmons really is as angry about the sex tape as he's reported to be, then we can expect the tape to be removed from the internet pretty sharpish. So take it all in while you can – the music, the movements, the jaded facial expressions that suggests Gene just wants to go home and have a nice cup of tea. More real than the Meg White Sex tape with less of a disgusting poo fixation than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape, catch the Gene Simmons sex tape now. Permanent loss of libido or your money back.

Fleshbot has Gene Simmons sex tape clips. They're obviously not safe for work, or for anyone with eyes, or for anyone who doesn't really, really like Foreigner.

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn't exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is "extremely unhappy" about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it's rough and tumble, it's wild and woolly and it's a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: "Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!" Or however you spell that deranged chuckle of his.

The leaked nine-minute Tom Cruise: Scientologist video has yanked a reaction out of just about everyone. The majority of people seem to be slightly freaked out by the burning fervour in Tom Cruise's eyes as he explains how he won't hesitate to push his ethics onto someone, while Scientologists have rushed to the internet to claim that anyone who disagrees with Tom Cruise and Scientology is probably a known criminal.

And as for Tom Cruise himself, well, he's just a teensy bit annoyed that a Scientology video of him intoning "Now is the time!" like some sort of frightening doom-voiced cult leader has been unstoppably leaked all over the internet, especially so soon after those rumours that Tom Cruise's baby was made with L Ron Hubbard's dead sperm. The Daily Mail reports:

Last night, an insider revealed: "Tom is extremely unhappy about this. He takes Scientology very, very seriously and he does not want it subject to abuse and ridicule on the Internet."

In fairness, this leaked Scientology video is probably just about the last thing that Tom Cruise needs at the moment. Since the last period of weirdness that almost fatally wounded his movie career – thanks to Sumner Redstone sacking him from Paramount because all women hate him, Tom Cruise has been painstakingly rebuilding his reputation and, blammo, nine minutes of incomprehensible religious babbling and mindless creepy chuckling later and he's back to square one again.

It's hard to see how Tom Cruise and Scientology will be able to cope with this new deafening ridicule. The ball is well and truly out of their court now, and any typically heavy-handed Scientologist response will surely be just as publicly revealed. After all, more people have probably seen the leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist by now than Lions For Lambs. And, yes, we're aware that means more than about four people. 

Still, as honestly unsettling as the Tom Cruise: Scientologist video is, it could have been worse. Just imagine what a bag of shit the John Travolta: Scientologist video would have been. 

Read more:

Tom Cruise 'furious' over leaked Scientology rant – Daily Mail

And not just her either – most right-minded people have already seen so much of Britney over the past few months that they'd probably prefer to catch herpes off a slutty monkey than even begin to accept that a Britney Spears sex tape exists.

But tough titties, because a Britney Spears sex tape apparently does exist, and it's a bald-headed one, too. Kiss your libido goodbye, folks.

The idea of a Britney Spears sex tape conjures up so many conflicting emotions that we don't know what to do. For example, there's pity – does Britney Spears really need this sort of attention after the mental couple of weeks she's had?

Then there's antipathy – anyone with an internet connection has already seen pictures of Britney's tatty growler, so why would they want to see it moving around?

And maybe just a spot of arousal, perhaps? Urgh, goodness no – this is a Britney Spears sex tape we're talking about. For the love of God, that's just revolting.

But maybe the strongest feeling that news of a new Britney Spears sex tape has inspired is a sensation of thundering resignation. Seeing Britney Spears have it off on the internet has been inevitable for years now. Remember when it was claimed that Kevin Federline was trying to sell a Britney Spears sex tape that mainly featured them playing chess? And that guy who said he filmed himself having sex with Britney Spears on holiday in June?

Well now there's more.

According to The Sun, not only does a new Britney Spears sex tape exist but it's a sex tape of Britney Spears when she was a slaphead, just to really rub our noses in it:

American TV station Fox News say that a 30-minute video of the singer was posted on the web yesterday. The raunchy footage is said to show a shaven-headed Britney performing sex acts on two women and a male companion. During the video, the Toxic star is said to look dazed and consumes alcohol and "what appears to be cocaine and marijuana".

 Of course, we haven't seen this reported new Britney Spears sex tape yet – something we know because we're alive and breathing normally instead of lying dead on our backs, our faces contorted with terror like in The Ring – so there's no possible way that we can tell you whether it exists or not. Hopefully it's all a mix-up, like those naked Britney Spears pictures that weren't remotely naked at all.

And even if a Britney Spears sex tape does exist, you'll probably be able to avoid it fairly easily. After all, nobody's going to force you to download it.

But you will, though, won't you?

Pervert.

Read more:

New Britney sex tape rumours - The Sun 

Chances are you probably thought "Candid naked pictures of the ginger one from Desperate Housewives? Why, that doesn't sound appealing in the slightest." But it's too late – 410 days later, those naked Marcia Cross photos have finally turned up on the internet. And boy oh boy, are they ever fantastic! OK, admittedly you probably need to be a big fan of Marcia Cross to enjoy her naked photos fully, plus it'd help if you found the sight of a 45-year-old mother of twins with bright red hair and pubes sexually exciting. Oh, and it's a given that you'll have to be a connoisseur of outdoor photos taken so shoddily that they make you feel like a grubbily intrusive next door neighbour perving on people in secret.

You're all of those things? Great! Naked Marcia Cross photos it is, then.

Not a good day for the Desperate Housewives, all said. We've only just got over the fact that Eva Longoria's husband might have done it with a model, and now naked, privately-taken photos of Marcia Cross have surfaced on the internet. What next? Teri Hatcher falling off a block of flats? No, we wouldn't wish that on anyone. Falling off a bungalow would do just fine.

Anyway, it's no surprise that these naked pictures of Marcia Cross have turned up on the internet because there was a big froth about it last October, when some naked Marcia Cross photos were found by removal men and handed over to David Hans Schmidt, the now-dead king of celebrity sex-tapes. And then nothing. Perhaps Marcia Cross bought them back and burnt them, we thought, or perhaps the removal men had a pang of guilt and destroyed them, or perhaps the world realised that it needs to see Marcia Cross naked like it needs to be kicked in the mouth by an angry horse.

But no, because the naked Marcia Cross photos are finally out and about for all to see. Marcia Cross is yet to respond to the leaked photos, which show her showering outside with a look that can only be described as 'slightly peeved' on her face, but we're sure this scandal will blow over much faster than if they were photos of, say, someone who you'd ever expressed an interest in seeing naked in the first place.

It's a blow to the woman's privacy, that's for sure. After all, what kind of a world do we live in where famous women can't shower naked in their own garden while their husband or boyfriend takes naked photos of them, develops them and then leaves them out for everyone to see? Our heart bleeds for Marcia Cross, it really does.

Although who's to say that this won't be the biggest stepping-stone to full-blown success for Marcia Cross? Really, all she needs to do is almost lesbian-kiss a schoolgirl and that role in High School Musical 3 is as good as hers.

OK, we've teased you for long enough. Be warned that you won't be able to undo what happens you your brain after you click this next link. They're unsafe for work, probably unsafe for home and almost certainly unsafe for human consumption at all – but if you're really interested, then here are the naked Marcia Cross photos, via Defamer. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Yahoo has just published its top 10 internet searches of 2007, and Britney Spears has come out on top yet again, making her officially bigger than professional wrestling, Saddam Hussein and Fergie out of the Black Eyed Peas. She may be in the middle of her own private hell, but at least by being searched for on Yahoo more than anything else this year, Britney Spears can still take comfort from the fact that she's still popular.

We just wish we had the heart to tell her that most of the searches in full were either for 'Britney Spears' horrible minge,' 'Britney Spears looking like a dick at the MTV awards', 'Britney Spears is a terrible mother' or 'Britney Spears: why?'

Britney Spears has only three mottos in life: knickers are for the weak, never rehearse a comeback when you can just listlessly attempt to wing it in front of an audience of millions instead and start as you mean to go on. Since Britney Spears started 2007 by collapsing unconscious in a nightclub, we can only assume that she takes that motto the most seriously.

And if anything, Britney Spears has just gained momentum as 2007 wore on – head-shaving, puking, botched comebacks, multiple stints in rehab, suicide attempts, accusations of child abuse, shit-smeared magazine photo shoots, car crashes, arrests, speculated unwanted pregnancies, family in-fighting, Gimme More – that's the kind of borderline-tragic year we absolutely wouldn't wish on anyone except for Britney Spears.

But at least all that hard work has paid off, because by dedicating herself solely to the art of ruining every single part of her personal and professional life, Britney Spears has made sure that she's been the most-searched thing on the whole of the internet according to Yahoo.

Yahoo's top searches list of 2007 has been released, and here it is:

1. Britney Spears
2. WWE
3. Paris Hilton
4. Naruto
5. Beyonce
6. Lindsay Lohan
7. Rune Scape
8. Fantasy Football
9. Fergie
10. Jessica Alba

Of course, this is nothing new – Britney Spears has been queen of the internet before a few times, and now she's in the position where even a temporary drop to second place would be enough for Britney to launch into the sort of crying screaming incomprehensible breakdown that she usually only reserves for when she's trying to relay a single piece of simple information to her own children.

But while Britney Spears wonders what terrifying, mentally ill-seeming shenanigans she'll have to pull out of the bag to retain her Yahoo Search Queen crown in 2008, let's not forget that there's still the best part of a month to go until the end of the year. That's why we're urging everyone to go to Yahoo immediately and search for 'Dame Thora Hird's Pubic Hair'. Together we can win this thing. 

Read more:

Britney Tops Yahoo Searches For 2007 – Associated Press