Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!

Well, not quite.  We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic  rummage  in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet.  All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals.  We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.

From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment.  We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.

10. Remember childhood?  Unless you’ve repressed all memory it should be a golden hued, nostalgia filled delusion of possibilities and innocence.  Anything was possible, remember?  You were going to be a secret agent astronaut who had an infinite supply of pogs.  It’s all been a downward spiral of disappointment ending in erectile dysfunction and rubber pants from there.  If only you’d learnt to go out and grab what you want.  If only you weren’t afraid of breaking the rules.  If only you were Noah Jeffrey, a 3 year old so who said “bum-bum-poohead” to a life of dejection and scheduled nap times.  He’s so cool, we’d eat the dried, crusty snot from his top lip.

9. Bollocks.  Arty Bollocks to be precise.  This site serves no real purpose whatsoever. You click a button and it spouts some overblown shite about ‘consumerist fetishism’ and ‘constructed dialogues’.  It’s the sort of long worded drivel spouted in those ‘tastefully tatty’ bars full of tight trousered twats with ‘ironically terrible’ hair. We tried applying it to hecklerspray.  Apparently we’re an “undefined phenomena become undefined through undefined and critical practice, the viewer is left with a glimpse of the limits of our era.”  What the hell does that even mean?

8. More bollocks. Utter, total gonads.  Big, hairy surreal ones at that. Illogicopedia is fascinatingly bizarre, stocked to the gills with nonsensical babble and outrageous drivel.  Built on the same lines as Wikipedia, only twice as entertaining and infinitely less useful.  There is not a single true statement hiding anywhere in the vast mire of twaddle that is Illogicopedia, which make is hilariously entertaining for about 10 minutes.  William Shatner‘s entry is worth a look.

7. This is just rotten stuff.  But we can’t stop reading it.  Tucker Max is an asshole.  The introduction to his website is “Hi, I’m Tucker Max and I am an asshole.”  He really is a terrible human being, we want to be him.  He’s rich, smart and gets laid.  A lot.  The website is a chronicle of the worst things Max has done in his 20-something years.  Most of them involve models and are told with lines such as…  Sorry, we’ve been searching the site for an hour and there isn’t a single quote we can put on even our sullied pages.  The trailer from an upcoming Tucker Max Movie might give you an idea what we mean.

6.  Another self-proclaimed sphincter here.  But this one is amusing rather than compulsively repulsive.  Emails from an Asshole pretty much does as it says.  Any chance to send irritating emails to someone is seized upon with impish glee and some poor sucker’s day is guaranteed to get worse.  It’s spawned an old fashioned paper compendium that’s probably done the rounds.  But who wants to read something you have to touch with you hands? What is this, 1993? Check out the archives for a few hours of amusement and in this case, kitten mangling horror.

5.  If that’s not enough time wasting archive dwelling for you, try B3ta.com.  This forum has been going since 5 minutes before the big bang and is populated with some of the best bad ideas we’ve ever seen.  The site is totally devoted to the sharing of ideas for products that is describes as “completely fucking useless shit”.  With the likes of the Salmon Cannon, “firing your salmon has never been easier” and Dr Glomp’s Turd Polish we can’t really argue.

4.  Enough time wasting for you? Fancy doing something constructive? Darksites.com tore themselves away from animated vampire girls for long enough to help you take over the world.  The Evil Guide Plan helps those of a world dominating but indecisive nature to plot their rise to power.  Simply enter your desired goals and preferred methods and the Evil Guide Plan breaks it all down into 3 easy steps with fashion advice an agreeable ego stroking.

3.  Lego men are always smiling.  What have the got to look so smug about?  They don’t even had elbows or knees and yet they grin at you with their cylindrical heads with an unsettling superiority.  We hate Lego men with such a passion we can forgive these boys for being Canadian after what they did to this happy yellow chappy.

2. We’ve all dreamt of having sex with a robot we built in our parent’s garage.  Good news! It can be done.  Thanks to a guy called Zoltan you can now hump a creepy fembot to your lonely heart’s content.  Which is a sentence we’ve been dying to write since we got our Journalism degree.  There’s many an article been penned about Zoltan and his android humping ways.  The best is an in-depth account of science meeting heartbreak and Zoltan’s technical genius being unleashed “with a doll and some hacked teledildonics”.  There’s another line we wished we’d written.  The worst article out there is not worth reprinting but is titled “A Motherfucking Robot I Tells Ya.”

1. Now, this video is hosted on a Christian video sharing site.  We are aware of the irony of us mentioning it on our pages.  Especially in an article that condones using children as pint sized agents of crime and sex with robots. Even with our heretical ways this clip came close to melting our cynical exteriors.  These guys are 90, they don’t have long left.  The Reaper’s grasping at their shirt collars, ready to yank them into the hereafter.   But not before they’ve had a jolly good sing-song.  Watch it, grin despite yourself and then wonder how much urine was spilled during the performance.

Webthump utilises a team of 10,000 trained chimpanzees to enter random searches into Google.  After sifting through millions of banana related results we are left with 10 items worth publishing.  If you wish to join our team of chimps drop suggestions on our Facebook page or message us on Twitter.

Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.

The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.

But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!

And TALKING of humiliating, here are the top celebrity ailments that have subsequently been ailing US all bloody week.

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

The album Born To Die is available now on iTunes worldwide:smarturl.it/LanaAlbumiTunes xxx LDR xxx

—-

Hey Lana,

There’s absolutely nothing we can do about that apart from not buy it and try and ignore as much press surrounding it as possible. AT LEAST let us do that for you. Bubz. Oh, sorry – you think the woman who awards herself the pseudonym of ‘The Gangsta Nancy Sinatra’ doesn’t want to be universally ignored? Well, we assume you also buy 1% milk and think it’s really great when people tell you the weight of their newborn children though, so I guess we should have seen that coming.

So, Lana – like we said, it’s out there now. Now, we’re not saying it’s a mistake – but what is important to learn here, is that we all learn from our mistakes, and mistakes are part of the human condition. We’re sure you already know that. We’re sure you ironically own all of the Dalai Lama’s books already. Maybe use this time of reflection to have a look through one of those. Surely there are more pressing matters for you at the moment anyway?

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

Right, just bearing in mind that I’m Lana Del Ray, David Sneddon’s Stop Living the Lie isn’t really as mellifluously challenging as I was hoping it would be.  :( xxx LDR xxx

Mmm-hmm.

DJFlash4eva Grandmaster Flash

KimKardashian Kim Kardashian

81 degrees in the winter!?! Gotta love LA

Dear Kim,

Yeah we know, the zany weather, eh? Sometimes we just stand by our kettles continuously boiling water just to see if we can get some sensation back into our joints via osmosis.

Oh, that doesn’t really answer your problem.

TheRealDjCasper DJCASPER

justinbieber Justin Bieber

got me

Dear Justin Bieber,

We’re not really sure who you are aside from the fact you appear to be the sole propietor and hold all fringe benefit of the word ‘believe’. So we’ll just give you a quick Google and see where we go from there.

–

OH MY GOD YOU’RE LIKE IF GOD HAD A MAGICAL BABY. AT STONEHENGE. AT THE STROKE OF SABBATH. MID-STARSAILOR GIG.

Do people KNOW?

ollyofficial Olly Murs

SERIOUSLY GUTTED this evening!! Just Missed Part 2 ‘BIRDSONG’ on BBC1… #badtimes

Dear Olly,

FOR GOD’S SAKE OLLY. We reminded you ALL. DAY.  And yes, you did miss all the fit birds getting Thumbelina’d up the Alan Whickers, yes. Yes you did before you ask. And all the middle class industrial unease, yes. And no, the jews didn’t ‘win’. We know, we really thought they’d got it in the bag this time too. But you know, some of us invested an hour and a half of our time to find out at least. You really should Sky+ next time before you go out on your bi-weekly evenings out laying down Durex trails for the girls in Nandos wearing trilbys. Although yeah, admittedly that was a very boss Sunday night. But you still.. you know. Be careful, Olly.

ronanofficial Ronan Keating

Last night in the early hours of the morning an empty truck full of bricks ran over a dead cat and nearly killed him

Christ, righto. Erm…

Not really our field, Ronan. Maybe check the Directgov site for care assessment advice? Or, you know, Rolf Harris?

—–

Join us next week, where we solve the ongoing mystery of Kerry Katona’s rapidly diminishing collection of Coco Pops Straws.

Pre-determination is something that the same fools who believe in superstition go in for in a big way. You might recognise it as fate or the ‘thundering approach to emotional and financial oblivion’. If you believe in fate then you probably married the first person who ever gave you an orgasm and are now woefully unhappy, only able to console yourself by watching romantic comedies.

Even as you do so, you realise everything seems to work out well for the shining-faced Hollywood elite. That is despite their belief and reliance on exactly the same concept which has led you to a life of raised voices and thinly veiled hatred. Fate worked out okay for them, didn’t it? Why not you?

Anyway, enough about your bitter, twisted existence.

You see, fate is a weapon which is used against you. From your formative years, you’ll remember the fairy tales where the prince always met the beautiful princess and guess what: they lived happily ever after. It was never a case of boy meets girl, girl meets other boy and they all lived horribly ever after, only communicating through lawyers, was it? Their fates were mapped out and they knew that the person they ended up with would be “the one” for them. That’s not just because royal families are notorious for marrying internally and producing offspring with webbed toes; it’s because the fates are strong with these ones.

As you begin to grow up, you’ll move onto “teen” things for “teens” and these are a little bit more angsty. You’ll see people going through highly glossed break-ups and angry retribution because you’re a teenager and this stuff is designed to fill you with the proper quotient of ire about the world you’re forced to grow up in. “Why can’t things be like they are in fairytales?” You’ll post on your Tumblr (or your diary, depending on how old you are) but let’s face it. Teen dramas always end with the two buff dickheads who broke up at the start getting back together or meeting their future spouses through their ex. There’s always the suggestion of serendipity, even if your warped teenage mind can’t get your head round it.

When you’re older, you think you’re wiser and you won’t fall for silly things like fate but just wait until that person you quite fancied at school adds you on Facebook and you’ll find yourself wondering ‘what if’. You’ve been conditioned to believe in fate and pre-determination. That’s why adverts have become so predictable.

Take this latest example of fuckwaddery from BT. Unable to tie ‘the berk from My Family’ down to a new contract, BT were forced to try and update THE GREATEST DRAMA OF OUR MODERN AGE without mentioning the fact that Whatsisface died in a horrifying Space Shuttle crash in the Adriatic Sea. They decided to go back to the start to when Whatsisname from My Family met Whoserface from other things by sending one of the irritating children to university. Presumably to study for a proper degree given that he’ll never get another acting job after this (I’m willing to be proved wrong on that one).

You see, if you go back in time to the original advert, Thingy and Whozit meet through a completely serendipitous moment. Fast forward to 2012 and here’s Young Whozit running into a girl who wants to live in the same flat as him. No looks are shared but you can tell where this is going.

There’s not much to say about the advert itself. You can all see the sheer idiocy of the creepy ‘geek’ who has an interest in touching the bits of Young Whozit’s future love and I’m quite sure you can visualise trying to make friends in your teenage years by talking about the speed of broadband (or dial-up… or fax machines… or how long it takes to dial a phone… or send a telegram). It’s not something that marks you out as an interesting human being.

It does show that BT are going back to the start and the cycle of fortunate events will begin anew. The two will enjoy a blossoming romance, held together by a love of superfast broadband (which isn’t superfast at all) while ‘the geek’ tries to ruin the blossoming romance by hilariously spiking the wrong person’s drink on a night out. Or something. It doesn’t matter. Four years down the line, you’ll be at a wedding in the ad break for Britain’s Got Talent and you’ll wonder where the hell we all went wrong.

Is it their fault for relying on the same old bullshit to shift Broadband plans or is it yours for buying into it from childhood?

Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry!  Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we?  O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.

We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn’t feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single  problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week.  Or about five or six or something. Come on.

GLADIATORS READY.

@Christine Bleakley: “How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx”

Phew.

Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!

Although this isn’t strictly a question, we think we see what you’re trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won’t live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don’t varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You’re really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.

If you’re curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Ah, well that’s very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.“

Oh.

@thekeithchegwin: “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Hi there Keith.

We don’t know!

@thekeithchegwin: “Half of Essex“

Ah we see. Very amusing.

@SnoopDogg: “wat u on 2day? it’s #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!“

@Dane Bowers: “Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!“

Dear Dane,

Come on, sport. It’s not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT’S YOU! Just remember, it’s important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody ‘miskeyed’. Big whoop. We’re sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too.  Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote ‘Shut Up And Forget About It’ in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.

“Hope your silicone bursts
You’ll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
‘Cause your baby is blind”

@MissAmyChilds: “Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn’t like nandos x”

Hi Amy,

We have to say we were rather moved by this. It’s not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.

So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It’s not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom’s nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we’d say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Sorry Alex, we’re just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Oh GOD FINE. We’ll deal with the Alex Reid thing.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Dear Alex,

All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can’t have a miscarriage because she’s magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it’s fairly easy to decipher.

WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO

Christ…

And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O’Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.

Goodnight!

These are dark times for that there internet. As the vultures circle around the rotting carcass of the World Wide Web, we disembark our safe harbour to take a tour round the Cape of Good Tumblr. This is The Tumblr Trawler…

Naturally, we’re assuming that some of you have never even seen a Tumblr, let alone know all about the intricate system of interactions and the thought processes which go into making one. Therefore, we make no apologies if you’ve heard of one of these before or even bought their god damn book. Okay?

5. We’ll start this week’s count down with kittens because, if there’s one thing we learned from doing Webthump for all these years, it’s that you lot bloody love a good kitten. So why not take a look at some kittens taking their place in famous album covers. Highlights include ‘Kittenage Fanclub‘, ‘Johnny Cat‘ & ‘Catwerk‘. See them all at The Kitten Covers.

4. We all have family members that we don’t speak to very much because they were clearly dropped on their head as a child but what would happen if you were keeping a note of every text you ever received from them so that you could put it on tumblr. Some might say that you would be a bad person but the person behind Texts from Bennett would probably disagree.

3. At hecklerspray, we have such a high level of job satisfaction that we like nothing more than flicking through page after page of people complaining about their terrible working conditions. Luckily for us (and for you) there’s Please Fire Me. It’s like Post Secret in that people can anonymously tell the site what they hate about their job without fear of getting fired. These are tough economic times and if you have to keep your job despite your co-workers being idiots then look no further. This tumblr’s for you!

2. Are you trying online dating? Finding that it isn’t for you? Have you run into one of these people who are getting it so wrong that it’s not really terribly funny any more? Well, why not have a flick through Messages From Match and see if you don’t appreciate the next person who asks to see a photo of your genitals just that little bit more.

1. This week’s number one was a shoo-in as soon as we saw it. Yr Wifi needs no more introduction than to say it’s a list of amusing, stupid or down-right insulting names for Wifi Hotspots. Read on and be ashamed of your standardised router. Highlights include ‘Pretty Fly for a Wifi‘, ‘I Still Miss Phil Hartman‘ & the frankly brilliant ‘Wu Tang LAN’

Yesterday was great for death. Kim Jong-il (or, as some dumb American said, Kim Jong The Second) shrugged off his mortal coil while elsewhere, rumours floated around about various celebrity deaths!

One such rumour was Brian Harvey (not dead, but can’t be far off) and another was Jon Bon Jovi.

When Jon ‘Bon Jovi’ Bon Jovi heard about his untimely passing, he thought he’d redress the balance by letting everyone know that, regrettably, he was absolutely alive as can be. Alas, for a crime of Christmas in his past (for which we have a video), his death would have restored some balance in the force.

Overweight women and men wearing stained vests (or, if you prefer, fans of Bon Jovi) were left feeling pretty frantic yesterday when gossip reared up like a jaundiced horse, suggesting the star had suffered a cardiac arrest and passed away.

We were hoping to inherit his bizarrely uniform teeth.

However, his spokesperson who clearly doesn’t have much on at the minute, swiftly dismissed the reports while Jonny Bonny Jovington appeared to reassure us all that he was very much alive.

The singer posed for a picture holding a sign which read:

‘Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey Dec 19th 2011′

See for yourself.

However, his passing would have been a perfect Christmas present for all the festive periods he’s ruined with his awful, awful R2D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas song.

Haven’t heard it? Start wishing death on Jonathon Bonathon Von Jovi right now.

Snap or Cracklenpop?

Folded

• Justin Bieber has picture taken with fans – It’s brilliant.
• We live in a marvellous, brilliant world. Why? People make things like a Nefertitti headpiece made from Yak’s nipples. Marvellous!
• Bobby Ball! – He’s on twitter! ROCK ON!
• Pampered son of dreary rock star gets book thrown at him – Oh boo and bloody hoo.
• So, the media want to bother hippies by thermal imaging their ‘empty tents’? – Here comes a cheeky hippie to disprove a few things. Well done hippie!

Creased

• Turtles – They’ll attack you and try and make you die.
• Victoria Beckham Solo! – Posh Spice didn’t have much to do in the Spice Girls. In fact, her entire singing output in FIVE WHOLE years was just shy of 9 minutes. SEE. Poor shit.
• You get aroused and embarrassed easily. Someone wants to exploit this and make it worse with clothes designed to thoroughly embarrass you by vanishing while you die inside.
• Twitter – Some people. Still RTing the Big Ben account. Go die.
• Awards ceremonies? – They’re not all classy joints like the one we won prizes at. Dwarves and heckling anyone?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

10. Not content with being a famous actor/musician/turkey-peddler Martin Kemp has taken to inventing emoticons. Is there no end to this man’s talents?!

9. Hallowe’en’s coming so here’s a gentleman teaching you how to TEAR YOUR GOD DAMNED EYE OUT!! Or at least make it look like you did.

8. No internet round up would be complete without something to do with a CAT now, would it?

7. “Let’s fly the kids out to be with their parents in a war zone!” “But that’s a terrible idea!” “It wasn’t me, it was the work experience kid.” Oh…

6. Invented Time Travel: What have you ever done?

5. Sexism’s cool, right? That must be why this story’s on the Newsbeat page.

4. Just what in the name of blue balls is flarf poetry? It hardly matters. Or maybe this interview by Ruth Tolerton with poet Spencer Madsen will explain. MAYBE.

3. It’s almost Hallowe’en so of course you want to go as a… wait… a “sexy” Wolverine? Riggggghhhhht.

2. Herman Cain, nefarious Presidential candidate has a campaign video that’s just bound to go viral. It’s Block Being Block.

1. A whole range of Star Wars ice-cube trays? Well… if you insist.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Cosmo or Compo?

Folded

• Vote ‘Spray! - We’re nominated for a Cosmopolitan Blog Award and sure, usually we’re not interested in accolades but… well… actually… yeah. We’re total award whores. Vote for us under the ‘Celebrity’ category. Go now… go on… we’ll wait.
• Stickman – Draw a stickman and follow a wonderful little story through to its logical conclusion.
• The Best Video Ever – Sure, it might be cruel but you can’t say it’s not bloody impressive.
• X Factor USA – Knowing full well that our very own Sophie Hall has the UK version of the show locked down over here, The Guardian have taken it upon themselves to make ex-Hecklerspray Ed Stuart Heritage liveblog the US version. Check his twitter for the links and whatnot.
• Cab Calloway - Here’s a picture. Why not?

Creased

• Skimming Off The Top - Just how do you end up with a bill of £16 for a muffin?
• Crack Pipe Show n’ Tell – Is it creased or is it hilarious?
• VOLTRON! – It’s coming back as a comic… for no good reason.
• Dark Shadows – Tim Burton has done it again. Wait… where Hele- oh, there she is.
• The Death Penalty – Well… duh.

By the way… remember…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Art School or Smart Fool?

Folded

• The Pomegranate – The best phone ever made?
• Smash Google - Have you ever wanted to mangle Google for no other reason than the fact that you’re a violent sociopath? Well now you can!
• The Perry Bible Fellowship – A wonderful web comic that we’d all-but forgotten about.
• Slutwalk Photos – We’re suckers for a pithy placard.
• Alan Partridge On Twitter – No, seriously.

Creased

• BBC News - hecklerspray posted Scarlett Johansson’s naked pictures at 10.15am. Still, they like our pals at Holy Moly better than us.
• Texas Death Row – Regardless of your opinion of the death penalty, this makes for pretty chilling reading.
• Prada - Cutting edge of fashion or a hideous 1950s’ prosthetic leg? You decide.
• Glenn Beck TV – SOMETIMES SHOUTING AT PEOPLE ON TV ISN’T ENOUGH! LET’S ALL LEARN TO HATE ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL!
• Tatooine – It’s not quite as exciting now that they’ve found it.

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Dope or Grope?

Folded

• Star Yearbooks – Want to see Sean Penn looking like a member of Hanson? Of course you do.
• The Notting Hill Carnival – Why it matters.
• Football Fans On Mobility Scooters – They’re having none of it. We assume this applies to every football fan who uses a mobility scooter.
• Spelling Qaddafi – Oh… so that’s what it is?
• Jim Carrey - He’s declared his love for Emma Stone on Youtube. Haven’t we all wanted to do that at some point?

Creased

• Nick Helm – Awww, you’ve got the funniest joke at The Fringe, do you? And you’re not going to be gracious about it? Of course you’re not. Enjoy Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow.
• David Mitchell – Well, not David Mitchell himself. His beard. What’s that about?
• Polish Spiderman - He’s not helping anyone. We bet he wasn’t even bitten by a radioactive spider.
• Marco Pierre White - He’s going into the Big Brother house. Presumably to bore them all shitless about turkey.
• The Foreplay App – If you need this, you might as well stick it in there and phone it.

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Do you remember when Facebook had groups that you could join, before they introduced the concept of pages that you could, ‘like?’

Well, back when there were groups, a lot of people used to set up groups with titles such as, “If 1,000,000 people join this group my wife will let me name our first born child Spider Man.”

Because people are morons.

None of these groups ever really came to fruition though, apparently even morons have either some common sense, or a Panda like talent for lacking the ability to pro-create.

Until now that is.

Yes, a couple from Israel has decided that an appropriate name for their offspring, their legacy, and the person to carry on their name and bloodline is… ‘Like.’

You know, Like. As in what you do when one of your friends puts up a funny status or a photo of you vomiting onto a garden gnome.

Like’s parents, Lior and Vardit Adler (who’s names are foreign, as opposed to silly), have given their child the ridiculous moniker because of how much they love Facebook’s like feature and how, “modern and fresh,” the name seemed to them.

Did we mention they have another daughter named Pie?

They also have a third child called Honey, but that’s not nearly as funny since celebrities started naming their children after stuff they found on their tables.

But what will the future hold for little Like?

Probably a lot of bullying, although by the time Like is old enough to be bullied, Facebook will probably have folded and Tesco’s social network will be reigning supreme, dishing out Clubcard points willy nilly.

We also can’t help but think that little Like’s unusual name will leave her questioning whether or not her parents really love her, or simply just like her.

One thing’s for sure, Lior and Vardit took an old joke too far and now their child has to live with the consequences.

Twats.

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This week’s love and shame.

Folded:

• ‘Teen Girl Mode’ (look in the top right corner. We should have this)
• Everybody loves a fat arm making them look naked (solution: only have thin friends)
• Source Code (better if it was about the recipe for HP, yet still worth your carefully earned cinema dollars)
• Pensioners (the wonderful things they achieve)
• These rings from Japan (not practical, but just don’t go anywhere)

Creased:

• Bacardi pre-mixed Pina Colada (how can this possibly be a good thing?)
• Kitchen congregators at parties (all those seats in the lounge and you have to stand in the second smallest room not using coasters)
• Is Russell Howard cross-eyed or what? (no-one really seems to know. Not that it matters. Not that much anyway)
• Friday Night Dinner (good theme tune, but why on earth is this remarkably average comedy so popular?)
• “Hey, it’s Chris Brown!” (does he carry sweets around with him or something?)

Rastafarian action figure, with melted face, Lil Wayne, has rocked the Earth to the molten core by revealing that he won’t be enlightening us all via social networking anymore. That’s right – he’s going on strike from Twitter! How will we cope with this news? SOMEONE SET UP A HELPLINE, STAT!

hecklerspray won’t be able to function properly now, walking around in a daze and grabbing people by their collars and wailing loudly “Adidas sweats,shiny ass Adidas! Remember when Weezy wrote that?! Do you?! Those were salad days! Remember that time he just wrote “um yeah”? Do you? We won’t be getting that now. It is just too sad to comprehend”.

We’ll then do that funny crab dance he’s fond of, complete with solemnly bowed head.

Apparently, this devastating news comes on the back of multiple hacks on his account and he’s fed up like Alexander O’Neal, which has prompted him to have a Twitter vacation.

He says:

“I just shut my Twitter account down because it got hacked. Once it got hacked, I had Twitter fix it. They changed it. And then it got hacked again, so I just shut it down. As of right now, I’m on Twitter strike.”

It is thought that Wayne might get a Bebo account where no-one will ever hack into the accounts because, inside, there’s only two people talking to each other – the founder and their mother saying ‘It’ll be alright. You’ve done very well you know?’, before drawing a crude love heart with the graffiti application.

Wayne’s account (@LilTuneChi) was hacked in January, when updates started hitting people’s timelines. People suspected it might be a rogue at work because, for the first time, Wayne had actually started being interesting.

The hacker promptly started hurling insults at Soulja Boy.

It said:

“I sent a donations to your paypal, check it, I heard you got 13,000 sales lil homie, i feel bad for you! #D*mnSoulja”

We give Lil Wayne a week before he’s back on twitter, saying things like ‘Ohio is off the chain!’ and ‘Um’.

Now, if you could be a pet and go on strike from music for the rest of your life, that would be wonderful. Okay? Okay. Good.

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