But you weren’t. You were actually watching the first flush of attraction between Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen. So you didn’t depress yourself by paying to watch two hours of gormless pap for nothing. Well, you did, but it made Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen happy.

And now Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We say ‘now’ but they actually got engaged in December. It’s not that nobody cares about Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, it’s… wait. It is that nobody cares. Our mistake.

The thing about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, we find, is that they’re just a bit too bloody famous for our liking. Oh, the days we’ve wasted wishing for a Hollywood power couple to emerge who were both professionally and personally mediocre in every conceivable way.

Which means this is our lucky day, because Hayden Christensen – the man who turned Darth Vader into a stilted, wet-mouthed whiner – has just got engaged to Rachel Bilson, from no good movies ever. It’s perfect – Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, except without their fame, glamour, philanthropy or box office appeal. Our wish has come true!

Actually, we should probably be a little clearer here – Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen haven’t just got engaged at all. They actually got engaged last year, but nobody had really noticed until now. MSNBC reports:

According to a friend of the actress, the two, who costarred in 2008’s “Jumper,” got engaged in December. “They’re so excited,” says the pal, adding that no wedding date has been set. “They’re a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief.” When contacted, Bilson’s rep told PEOPLE, “I don’t comment on my clients’ personal lives.” A rep for Christensen had no comment.

Again, we should probably be clearer about something else here – Hayden Christensen’s reps probably didn’t comment because we’re guessing they died of boredom alone in their office sometime last autumn, and so few people visit or call to make enquiries about Hayden’s work availability or personal life that nobody had even noticed all the milk bottles piling up outside or the funny smell coming from the office. Just a hunch, like.

But anyway, it doesn’t matter that Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen’s engagement was completely ignored for so long, because all that matters is that they’re happy together. So happy together that they never have to share their love with anyone. To the extent that they both stop making films altogether. Please.

And maybe now Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen will concentrate on starting a family. If they do, let’s hope the resulting children all have Rachel Bilson’s doe-eyed good looks and Hayden Christensen’s, um, hang on. Charisma? No. Matinee idol profile? No. Sense of humour? No. Surname? Yeah, that’ll probably do. We hope the baby has Hayden Christensen’s surname.

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But ask yourself this: would you have gone to see Jumper if the Hayden Christensen role was played by Eminem?

No. No you probably wouldn't. But that didn't stop Eminem from having discussions with director Doug Liman about starring as the lead in Jumper in the preproduction stages. Although it's impossible to tell what Jumper would have been like if it had Eminem in it, we're guessing that it probably would have been reset in Detroit and been about a plucky wannabe rapper instead of Darth Vader driving buses through a desert.

You may have wondered what Eminem has been doing these last few years, apart from eating all the pies and nearly dying of pneumonia, but the secret is finally out.

Eminem has been busy not quite starring in a bunch of rubbish-looking films.

The proof is there for all to see – first Eminem was linked to a remake of Have Gun Will Travel that thankfully didn't get made, and then just the other week there was talk of Eminem almost making a Grand Theft Auto movie. But if the thought of those haven't sent you quivering into a corner, it turns out that Eminem almost starred in new movie Jumper.

Oh, you know. Jumper. The movie that'll probably scrape a weekend box office number one spot in a couple of days because it's a pre-Oscar movie that isn't about the war in Iraq or one woman's soul-searching quest to find her identity in preindustrial-era Stuttgart. The movie where Samuel L Jackson leaps through time after a bus-driving Billy Elliot. The movie that looks about as appealing as two hours spent thwacking bamboo rods under your fingernails with a hammer.

Anyway, yeah. Eminem was almost going to be in that, as MTV reports:

"We did have a meeting," writer/director Doug Liman confirmed this week, confessing that surly hip-hop superstar Marshall Mathers was once in talks for the starring role. "We did have conversations with Eminem." When the director considered [Hayden] Christensen more seriously, however, the Eminem flirtation vanished as quickly as David Rice jumping between Egypt and New York. "At that point, I had already met Hayden and had fallen in love with Hayden," he recalled. "It was one of those things where the studio, with all things being equal, would rather put a bigger name in the movie [and wanted Eminem]. At some point, I just put my foot down and said, 'I love Hayden.'"

Weird. We didn't think that Hayden Christensen had it in him to inspire love in others. Or anything other than a vague sense of irritation, come to think of it.

It's odd that Doug Liman is selling Jumper on the basis that it almost starred someone but didn't. Perhaps – and this is just a theory – Liman has read some of the early stinging Jumper reviews and opted to take the tactic of saying "If you think Jumper's bad now, just imagine how useless it'd be if Eminem was in it!" just to try and get people to say one positive thing about it.

And as for Eminem, only time will tell what other movies he didn't get round to making. Although we do hear that he was up for Keira Knightley's role in Atonement, but just lost out because he looked a bit silly in a damp nightie.

Read more:

Eminem Almost Had Hayden Christensen's Role In 'Jumper' - MTV