The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe.  For he was Harry Potter. From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things.  And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.

But no more!

The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth.  WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!

Radcliffe’s latest post-Potter attempt at earning our esteem and the attentions of some of the dodgiest erotic literature ever to grace the Internet is The Woman In Black.  Which American box office figures have announced is not quite as good as some film called Chronicle, which is some sort of home movie made by three teenage boys who call each other ‘dude’ a lot.

Chronicle, which may or may not include teenagers with special abilities beyond the grasp of the rest of the muggle population or whatever, has soundly beaten The Woman in Black to the tune of $1 million dollars in both films’ opening weekend.  Which at current cinema ticket prices means that four more people went to a film that can levitate cars but not keep the camera level for more than one dramatic pause.

Which seems like a real shame, because Radcliffe looks very pale and skinny in the images we’ve seen of The Woman in Black.  We’ve not really read much about the film but looking at the pictures we’d guess Radcliffe is playing a hepatitis riddled Victorian opium addict and judging by his facial expressions… sorry, expression the young opium addict is required to complete complicated mathematical equations which are being held up on cards just to the left of the camera.  All while standing on a misty, cold moor in some geographically ambiguous part of Olde England.

A million dollars is a lot of rejection after you’ve sunk yourself into a role like that.  Opium isn’t cheap these days and can anyone really do quadratic equations while ankle deep in mud and horse shit?  When you are Harry Potter, you are the original face of teen-angst-meets-supernatural-powers-meets-a-fight-against-the-inherent-evil-of-the-human-condition.  That’s got to sting the ego.

But it could be worse, at least Radcliffe is still the star of his own films.  Emma ‘Hermione’ Watson is named on the posters for My Week With Marilyn but nobody seems to know if she’s been allowed to do any acting.  Rupert ‘The Ginger One’ Grint’s biggest role so far is still Thunderpants.

So Daniel, even if there’s shit on the carpet, you’re still the most famous of your friends.  And no, we don’t have any spare change, you’ll only spend it on drugs.

Harry Potter star, Harry Potter (or, Daniel Radcliffe as his mum refers to him when she’s shouting abuse up the stairs) is a wimp of the highest order. Why? Because wickle Dan Dan can’t handle his ale.

And he’s proud to admit it.

Apparently, Radcliffe had a drink problem. The problem was that, every single stinkin’ time he drank some lovely booze, he’d ‘black out’. Get that! He didn’t pass out a few times. He blacked out so frequently it became ‘his thing’. What a wimp. He probably passes out after eating those horrible chocolates with liqueurs inside them.

When asked if he had ‘fun drunken nights out’ before giving up alcohol in August 2010, Radcliffe said:

“Yeah, but I can’t remember them. Seriously, in the last three years of drinking I blacked out nearly every time. Blacking out was my thing.”

This reeks of someone wanting to paste an edge onto themselves doesn’t it? When lacking in personality, get yourself a problem. It’s definitely a thing – just look at half of twitter pretending to be socially awkward.

And Radcliffe’s problems didn’t end there. He was so concerned with his behaviour when he’d been having a nice glug that he became ‘a recluse at 20’, drinking alone at home like a sad old soak.

‘The drinking was unhealthy and damaging to my body and my social life. That’s beyond question… I was living in constant fear of who I’d meet, what I might have said to them, what I might have done with them, so I’d stay in my apartment for days and drink alone.”

“I was a recluse at 20. It was pathetic – it wasn’t me. I’m a fun, polite person and it turned me into a rude bore. For a long time people were saying to me, “We think you have a problem,” but in the end I had to come to the realisation myself.”

And so, what did Daniel do? He talked to Gary Oldman of course!

“I did talk to him about it once. I didn’t say I had a problem -–because I didn’t think I did at that point – but I told him I shared that mentality he had for actively seeking out chaos.”

“He just said, “You can’t keep doing this. You’ve got too much to lose”. And that really went in. But not even he could have stopped me alone – I had to stop myself.”

“And stopping has shown me a world of happiness that I didn’t think was possible.”

Gah. Sounds like someone’s about to find religion, doesn’t it? Still, America will love this chat, mainly because they’ve got a gigantic problem with those who take a little refreshment on a night out.

Meanwhile, Europe raises a glass like a massive tough guy.

We all love the Harry Potter don’t we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price’s vagina.

All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don’t they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They’ll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.

We’re romantics at heart aren’t we?

Well, someone who they won’t be throwing an intervention for is Rupert Grint, who, according to Harry Potter Himself is a smelly git.

Daniel Radcliffe has taken a break from getting his penis out to publicly bitchslap his co-star while at the same time, blow so much smoke up Emma Watson’s vagina that she’s starting to resemble a wigwam when she walks.

“If I see him every six months or so, it’s a friendly ‘hello, how’s things with you’ but that’s about it. I’m just going to put it out there, Emma and I text all the time but Rupert and I never text each other, we never see each other.”

Remember when girls at school would freeze out one of the clique because she had a Polly Pocket duvet cover when everyone else was into My Little Pony? This is just the same. Grint doesn’t want to be a luvvy and whack his schlong out at every opportunity and thusly, has been froze out.

Or maybe it’s just because he’s meant to be a fat pothead now.

Apparently, only Radcliffe and Grint know what the problem is, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t speculate wildly about a complex threeway with Emma Watson that just got so heavy, even though they said that it wouldn’t.

This news will come as a shock to massive fans of homo-Harry Potter-fanfic, but we’ll be round in a few minutes to throw an intervention. Or maybe you could do us a favour and kill yourself now?

There’s a good girl.

Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.

So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!

Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!

If you didn’t know, Nick Jonas (chances are, you’re still wondering who the hell he is – suffice to say, The Jonas Brothers have occupied a million teenage wanks and that’s all you need to know) is taking over from Daniel Radcliffe in the Broadway show ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’.

In that play, Daniel Radcliffe showed everyone his genitals. Everyone couldn’t quite believe a human could be that pale without being certified dead. Apart from the Celts of the world who actually thought he looked ‘quite tanned’.

And so, will Jonas Brother be showing everyone what he’s been hiding in his underpants all this time? Well, he’s not against it. Putrid.

“I love theatre and I understand the difference between acting and who you are as a person.”

“I don’t know that it’s something I would’ve done in the end, but I definitely would’ve considered it. You have to be open to everything.”

Realising that his young fans will, at some point, grow out of him, Nick Jonas threw a wink to the gays in the hope he can spin silk from his sow’s ear.

“We love our gay fans. It was definitely cool when we realised that, because the more you can grow your audience, the more people you can impact.”

“They’ve been incredible over the years. My brothers and I totally look forward to meeting them, because they really respond to our style, and it’s cool to see how our influence has impacted what they’re wearing.”

“They also give really good gifts at our meet-and-greets — hats, scarves, and other things. They always have good taste.”

Oh, there you have it.

Ever looked at Daniel Radcliffe’s face and thought to yourself: ‘That looks exactly like the kind of thing I’ve been after, especially regarding the absorbing of my faecal matter’. Well have you? If not, then you’re stupid.

Why?

Well, that’s because you can now completely and legally wipe your mucky hoon on Daniel Radcliffe’s face. Obviously, the Harry Potter star isn’t particularly thrilled about it, but that matters not because his world is about to become rather 2 Girls 1 Cup and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Naturally, this isn’t a call-to-arms, with us expressing our will for you, dear reader, to go and defecate on an actor’s face. Rather, Radcliffe has just found out that his Harry Potter face is going to be plastered over some toilet roll thanks to the lovely marketing bosses of the Potter franchise.

Daniel says:

“I have heard my face is on toilet paper, which is really not pleasant. But I haven’t seen it and I don’t know if that is much of a compliment. The guys from American Pie had their faces on condoms. I know you can get Barack Obama condoms, although they haven’t done that for us yet. I don’t think it would be appropriate.”

You’ll have to move to somewhere like Thailand or Vietnam to get the chance to wipe your hole on Daniel Radcliffe’s face, but anything goes over there doesn’t it?

Radders continued:

“I have nothing to do with the merchandising and marketing of the films. Any actor is involved in their performance but not that side of things. It is something you become a little blasé about to a degree because it was a job but I pinch myself and think that I have an amazing job.”

Shut up and let us shit on your face.

Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.

The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.

Why?

That’s simple. We have it on good authority that if Robert Pattinson died and was interred in a standard casket in a standard grave (dug to a depth of 7 feet), by the time putrifaction set in his essence would have already killed 90% of the indigenous tree populace in the immediate vicinity. It is projected that by the time his body fully decayed, 86% of the world’s trees would have wilted and died out of sheer boredom.

We don’t want that.

Anyway, the hopefully invincible 25-year-old admitted to Danish TV that he was a chivalrous young man when it came to romance. Speaking from inside an impressive, gilted suit of armour, Pattinson said;

“I think if you love anyone, you kind of feel like that. If you’re in love with anyone, I think the majority of people would say, ‘If I have to die for this person, I will.’”

He won’t if it’s unnecessary though. We imagine that he has a chart of possible outcomes that he keeps close at hand every time he leaves the house. We’ve never seen it but we imagine it looks something like this.

• Mugging – Her.
• Bank robbery – Me.
• Twihards charging down the street in force – Police horse.
• Abducted and held for ransom – Pay ransom.
• 160ft Dragon threatening the city and by consequence Kristen – Me.

It’s probably scrawled on the other side of his “to do” list which has had the same item left on it for years.

• Learn to act.

It has to be real love though. Pattinson believes that you can only truly know you love someone when you’re faced with a straight choice between their death and yours. He added in his droning, monotonous timbre;

“I mean, you don’t really love someone if you’re like, ‘No. Just let them die’.”

That could get really, really awkward. Want to know if Robert Pattinson really loves Kristen Stewart? You know what you have to do. Allan Thorneyflat can’t do it. He’s in jail.

Star of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and owner of new enviable haircut, Emma Watson, is all heart. She really is. When it comes to feeling sorry for people, she’s the best in the business. And which needy urchin has bipped on her sympathy radar?

Why, it is none other than our future Queen, Kate Middleton! Poor, poor Kate Middleton.

Emma Watson can’t help but feel sorry for the princess-to-be ahead of the Royal Wedding. It must be awful to have all that wealth, power, glory, pomp, attractiveness and more. hecklerspray has been feeling the pain of Middleton’s life more than anyone. Every time we look at her, we burst into tears at the misery of it all.

Watson understands what Kate is going through as she’s also wealthy, attractive and well-spoken.

Ahead of the Royal Wedding, which for some reason, has been deemed important enough to write out with capital letters, Watson looks at Middleton and thinks about her time in the spotlight.

Watson says:

“Poor girl, that must be an incredible amount of pressure.

“I hope she’s enjoying it. Must be intense.”

Yessum. Middleton will have to suffer the pressure of doing the one potentially difficult thing in her life, while mainly stood up in a very, very, very, very expensive dress while people gawp at her for an hour or two, before she disappears down the Royal rabbit hole, never to be touched by the hand of a droog again.

And it all kicks off on April 29th at Westminster Abbey!

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Wizards are great aren’t they? They get to wear those funny pointy hats and not get accused of being in some dreadful cult and, better yet, magic comes out of the end of their fingers!

They’re like Siegfried and Roy, only without the accidental mauling by an albino tiger!

And what has got us thinking about wizardry? Well, The Sims: Medieval asked us to think about our fave sorcerers and magic men! We like thinking about magic men. It is much better than thinking about those stoopid celebrities all the time!

The Sims: Medieval sees you getting your heroes and developing quests and kingdoms for them and, better yet, Patrick Stewart is on hand to set you on your way in this trailer showing off the game.

Isn’t that swell?

Yes it is. And Patrick Stewart has the voice of a sorcerer. We actually think he might be a real-life wizard but he’s waiting to see if he can grow a decent enough beard before letting us all in on his magical secret!

Anyway, watch this fun trailer.

Now, here are our favourite magic folk! And no, Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee don’t make an appearance.

Miracle Max from The Princess Bride

Billy Crystal’s portrayal of Miracle Max is one of his best and most underrated roles. Max is the last miracle worker in Florin who was fired by Humperdinck (you promised you’d never say that name again!) and saves Westley’s life to get revenge and all that good stuff!

Orco from He-Man

Orco, in fairness, was a bit wet. However, he is worth including in this list because a) He had a really cool outfit (especially with that big ‘O’ on his chest – it made him look a bit like a superhero) and b) When you bought the figure of him, he came with a rip-cord and some magic tricks in which you could impress your pals with! Eat that Beast Man!

Roy Wood’s Wizzard

Presto from Dungeons and Dragons

Presto was absolutely hopeless. Completely useless in every single respect. However, that is why we liked him. He was a good geek and a refreshing anecdote to all those wizard sorts who always knew what they were doing and filled with wisdom.

Zantanna

Daughter of a magician and object of lust for Batman, Zantanna is one of the most powerful members of the Justice League and has genetic blood magic! She’s also the token woman in our list because there aren’t many women sorcerers in fiction that we can think of!

Mandrake from Defenders of the Earth

*sings* Master of magic spells and illuuuusion… enemies grumble with fear and confuuuusion… or something. It’s been a while since we saw Mandrake in action but we sure liked his threads and pencil moustache.

The Wizard Of Oz

The Wizard, who we were all off to see whether we liked it or not, was the archetypal lad who got bullied at school for being a squirt who used his wiley brain to seek revenge on everyone. After being told off by Dorothy and Co, he shrugged and knocked the whole tyrannical despot thing on the head.

Gandalf Lord Of The Rings

Great beard! Great magic! Everyone likes Gandalf! Well, apart from Saruman and he probably likes him a bit.

Dumbledore from Harry Potter

Mr Mellow, Dumbledore from Harry Potter has the best magic coming out of his fingers and he’s dead clever! Not only that, he puts up with Harry Potter all the stinkin’ time, for which he should be applauded.

Merlin

The original and still the best wizard (yes, even including Roy Wood AND Black Sabbath’s song, ‘The Wizard’), good ol’ Merlin is the subject of many ’70s bands affection and generally keeps appearing in films and on TV because no-one quite captured our hearts like him! Just don’t mention that rubbish BBC series, okay?

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There are a lot of people who really, really, really love JK Rowling’s Harry Potter tales. In fairness, there’s millions of flies that like swarming around dung piles, so numbers don’t necessarily account for taste, right? That said, as one hecklerspray reader pointed out, “there’s no such thing as a bad story”. Unless you count the plethora of really bad stories out there.

Either way, Rowling has been wildly successful with Potter, watching her daft little books become gigantic blockbuster movies.

However, some claimed that JK Rowling (real name, Jamiroquai Rowling) had copied a load of ideas from a book that features Willy The Wizard. Sounds amazing doesn’t it? (No).

And so, the plagiarism case was started and everyone took it very seriously, despite the fact that all cases had to be presented with really stupid names in the mix, like Willy The Wizard and Dumbledore.

Did JK Rowling copy someone’s ideas? Well, an American judge doesn’t think so, dismissing the case that alleged Goblet of Fire was pilfered from author Adrian Jacobs and his The Adventures Of Willy The Wizard book.

A spokesman for her US publisher Scholastic said:

“The court’s swift dismissal supports our position that the case was completely without merit and that comparing Willy The Wizard to the Harry Potter series was absurd. Judge Scheindlin clearly agreed, stating, ‘The contrast between the total concept and feel of the works is so stark that any serious comparison of the two strains credulity’.

“Scholastic will continue to vigorously defend any such frivolous claims challenging the originality of Harry Potter and the brilliant imagination of its author, JK Rowling.”

Yeah! How does Rowling come up with the idea of someone having a superpower and being The Chosen One and all that? We’ve certainly never seen its like before in fiction or mythology!

She’s not completely off the hook yet. Rowling may still have to appear in a UK court after the High Court ruled in October the claim was “improbable” but still had a chance of success.

The hilariously named Mr Justice Kitchin refused applications by Rowling and her publishers, Bloomsbury, for an immediate judgement.

So yeah. That’s that then. What about that girl who is in the films and her new haircut? (etc)

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It looked like the latest instalment of the Harry Potter films was going to stay at the top of the box office chart ’til the new year kicked in, but it limped off like a weary magician after a failed children’s party.

Instead, the top five is a Harry Potter free zone with Tron landing the Christmas number one (read our review here or you’ll die) spot, which shows that people don’t want substance at this time of year.

They want 3D aerobee!

And so, CGIfests feature heavily in the Christmas box office with Tron rubbing shoulders with Yogi Bear and the hippie-dippy cod-Christian fable of The Chronicles of Narnia.

Anyway, we don’t want to say too much about the films because… well… we have to write about them in the chart run-down and we’re already running out of words.

We’ve been writing words all year and nearly maxed out.

You’ve noticed right?

1. Huzzah! The daydreams of Pacman finally get realised with some amazing graphics and a complete absence of story (okay, there is some story, but no-one can be bothered with that can they?). Yep, Tron Legacy is nerd eye-candy of the highest order and cementing our need for real life speeder bike things. $43,600,000

2. Yogi Bear is, despite what he claims, one of the stupidest bears around. Everyone knows damn well that Boo-Boo is the brains in the outfit. A recent viral video saw Yogi getting his brains blown out by a money hungry Boo-Boo, which is totally not how this film rolls. $16,705,000

3. Hark! The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is, without doubt, one of the longest film titles of the last decade. There’s talking lions and all that shit. $12,400,000

4. The Fighter sees a welterweight boxer scrotebag called Dicky Eklund plunging into the cheery world of crack addiction, high violence and prison. Mark Walberg and Christian Bale take their tops off. Merry Christmas. $12,200,000

5. The Tourist is a thriller film directed by the hilariously named Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. The main draw it seems is that it gives people the chance to stare at Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, thereby imagining what they might look like when they have sex with each other. $8,700,000

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It goes without saying that, this week… just like last week… and probably next week, the new Harry Potter film is topping the box office chart. Even if Deathly Hallows Part 1 was seven hours of Daniel Radcliffe staring into a fridge wondering what to eat, it’d still top the chart.

That’s not to say the new flick is rubbish. We gave it a rather positive review. Yes, yes. Calm down. We do actually like some stuff y’know?

But this weekend, a lot of people turned up at the cinema to watch all manner of crap.

Crap? Yeah, our good mood didn’t last long. Fact is, one of the new entries this week was Burlesque – a film which stars Cher and Christina Aguilera and is largely being treated like its the The New Showgirls. This of course, means it’ll be a crock of poo, and invariably, end up a future DVD classic to watch while drunk with chums.

After all, that’s what Showgirls is for isn’t it? The most appalling acting and one of the most grotesque sex-scenes anyone will ever see, anywhere, ever.

That includes illegal bongo films where people actually die.

1. Yep, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 is still sitting pretty at the top of the charts this week and it doesn’t look like it’ll be moving any time soon. $50,345,000

2. Tangled is the latest picture from Walt Disney. It’s a hideously cutesy musical which feels a little outdated these days. However, there’s always an appetite for hokey crud like this. Yes, even if it features Mandy Moore. Basically, it is Rapunzel. Apparently, its the most expensive animated film ever made, with a budget of $260 million. Thus far, it has recouped $49,100,000

3. Megamind. Animation. Blue heads. Will Ferrell. Whatever. You know the drill. We’re sick of writing about it now. It’s a popular film though. Here’s an amount of money to justify it or something. $12,850,000

4. Burlesque. High camp with disappointing reviews. But what do us critics know anyway? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. $11,800,000

5. Unstoppable is a very predictable film and, as well you know, sometimes, nothing hits the spot like a predictable thriller-action film. $11,750,000

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Like the music charts, cinema has a race for the Christmas number one spot. For some reason, people want to go to the cinema in the most miserable of weather. Honestly, you’d be better off staying inside.

However, Harry Potter & Co have timed their run to perfection to try and bag the glory of being the most watched film at the end of 2010.

Handy really, because the film will be fresh in everyone’s mind when they’re compiling their Films Of The Year lists.

You’ll be completely unsurprised at Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows sitting pretty at the top of the weekend’s box office charts.

It’s one of those franchises that get people really excited. We reckon that, like mental Star Wars fans, there’s been people who have watched a screening, left the cinema, only to queue up and watch it all over again. They’ll do this over and over ’til they need a poo or a shower or something.

But there’s another new entry in the top 5 too.

1. Little wizard man (well, he’s not a boy any more, is he?) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 splashes straight into the deep end of the top spot this weekend, trouncing everything else in sight. There’s not much hope of anything moving it from this lofty position before the year is out either. $125,120,000

2. Pixar’s Megamind continues to be very popular and as it has been on the box office chart for a number of weeks, we’ve completely run out of things to say about it. $16,175,000

3. Unstoppable? The runaway train came down the track and she blew, the runaway train came down the track and she blew, the runaway train came down the track, her whistle wide and her throttle back, and she blew, blew, blew, blew, blew. $13,100,000

4. Due Date You know the one right? Robert Downey Jnr and a man who needs to see a baby coming out of his wife? It’s been in the box office chart for a while now, so it must be doing something right. $9,150,000

5. The Next Three Days sees a woman (played by Elizabeth Banks) accused of murder. She didn’t do anything though. This of course, affects the relationship with her professor husband (played Russell Crowe). Anyway, trying to save her from a life of prison, nasty criminal sort (played by Liam Neeson) gets involved. And so, a caper to spring someone out of jail begins. $6,750,000

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is out really, really soon. However, some of you lot just can’t wait. According to sources, the first 36 minutes of the latest instalment of the film were leaked online.

It’s obvious that Harry Potter films are highly searched for on Torrent sites (because it’s nerds who inhabit both worlds) but this leak before release will be particularly worrying for Warner Brothers.

Which of course, is absolutely hilarious.

The studio said in a statement:

“This constitutes a serious breach of copyright violation and theft of Warner Bros. property,”

“We are working actively to restrict and/or remove copies that may be available. Also, we are vigorously investigating this matter and will prosecute those involved to the full extent of the law.”

Ooooh! Someone’s going to get arrested! The likelihood of that happening is slim and, lets be honest, it’s not like it will make a dent in the box office sales of the film is it?

Last year’s ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ took nearly $1 billion worldwide despite being one of the most pirated movies of the year with apparently more than 8 million illegal downloads.

Anyway, reports suggest that the leak has been taken down, but there’ll be other copies available online no doubt, as that’s the nature of the thing isn’t it?

And we’ve lost all our traffic as people scurry off in an attempt to get the first half hour of a film they’ll watch at the cinema anyway! It doesn’t even include the part when Emma Watson takes her top off!

*shakes wand*

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Unless you’re a similar age to Emma Watson, it’s very difficult to be open and honest about how attractive she is. If you’ve watched the Harry Potter films, then you’ve effectively babysat her, watching her grow up from a child, into a gangly teen, ultimately, into Mia Farrow.

In any other circumstance, you could probably get done for grooming. Mercifully for hecklerspray readers, debasing yourself with pleasures of the wrist over a famous woman doesn’t count as something arrest worthy.

And so, cram this into your confused little skull-putty. Emma Watson does a big passionate kiss with no top on in Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows.

Before reading this, get this fact into your head: Emma Watson is 20 years old.

Okay? Good.

So, Emma Watson gets her top off for a passionate embrace in the new Harry Potter film and of course, it being part of a film, the reality of the situation was anything but sexual.

Watson says:

“I’m proud of it, and considering how bloody awkward it was, I’m really impressed we managed to make it look anything other than awkward – because Dan and I are like brother and sister, so it was tough making it look passionate.”

Of course, the scene needed to be shot with several takes, leaving the cast and crew to gawp on and watch two young people chewing each others tonsils over and over until the whole scenario became surreal. Oh, and there was the small matter of the first few being too tame which saw director David Yates telling his stars to be more

“pagan and mad”

Emma continues:

“I realised I would have fewer takes to do if I just got on with it and just gave David what he wanted, which was a passionate kiss.”

“It was only the day before that they said, ‘Oh, by the way, we hope it’s all right, but we want you to be topless, and we’re going to cover you in silver paint’”

And what does Daniel Radcliffe think about all this?

“I thought it was going to be like a soft, sensual sort of moment, and it was this very vigorous kissing scene. She really went for it. It caught me slightly off guard, but yeah, I’m not complaining.”

Dirty buggers. Not the actors – YOU LOT.

Okay, it’s us.

It’s always us.

Sorry.

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Are you gearing yourself up to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1? A lot of you have spent a lot of money watching the films of the children’s fantasy books, making the actors on the franchise very wealthy indeed!

And now, Emma Watson wants to tell us about her riches. A few years ago, when she was 17 or 18 (aka, the time when people stopped feeling quite so guilty about the impure thoughts they’d had about her) when her dad sat her down for ‘The Chat’.

Of course, when our parents sit us down to have ‘The Chat’ with us, it usually involves condom advice… however, when you’re Emma Watson, it involves your parents telling you how puke-inducingly wealthy you’ve become.

Up to that point, Watson had been living off a rather nice $75 per week (hecklerspray didn’t get spends at all, which saw us stealing money from mum’s purse or looking for change in phone boxes). However, the time had come to tell her about the sensitive subject of her actually being a millionaire.

Watson says:

“By the third or fourth film, the money was starting to get serious”

“I had no idea. I felt sick, very emotional.”

So how much money would it take you to nearly be sick? Well, if you’re Emma Watson, then it’s being worth around $32 million. This also means that, reportedly, she’s the highest paid woman in Hollywood. How do you like them apples?

Of course, now that her contract is up with the Harry Potter franchise, she went and chopped off all of her hair into a very cool Mia Farrow pixie cut.

So what now for the actress? Drink and drugs binges to give us yet another story of a child actress going nutso? Well, that seems incredibly unlikely as she’s irritatingly grounded. Probably thanks to her meagre allowance when she was younger.

Still, there’s hope because the young actress has gone to university where she is currently a sophomore at Brown University in Rhode Island, getting a degree in art and literature. Student life is definitely conducive to necking bottles of cheapo cider and getting love-bites off ne’er-do-wells.

Alas, she’s wealthy enough to never work again, so we can only hope she turns into some bonkers eccentric with a coat made out of live snakes and glasses made from Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles.

‘Til then, you’ll just have to ogle her in the new Harry Potter films and the endless merchandise that comes out just in time for Christmas.

Dirty sods.

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