As popular as the Harry Potter saga was, we couldn’t help but feel that its depiction of Hogwarts was somewhat lacking.

And specifically lacking one thing. That’s right – thousands of chronically sweating, morbidly obese directionless tourists in gaudily-patterned shorts who are all too busy filming everything for a 19-hour home movie that they’ll never watch to properly control their children. But now that’s all been fixed – Universal has revealed details of its new The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter theme park.

Warning: one of the rides is called ‘Flight Of The Hippogriff’. Don’t continue reading if you’re prone to violent tantrums.

Have you ever wondered what it’d be like to actually stand inside Hogwarts? You have? Is that because you’ve got such a startling lack of imagination that both the description of Hogwarts in the Harry Potter books and the actual physical representation of Hogwarts in the Harry Potter films appear to you as a jumble of randomly unconnected symbols and a parade of abstract, disassociated images? It IS? Well that’s just perfect, because The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter theme park has been created just for you.

You’d probably given up hope of ever seeing this, hadn’t you? You read about the Harry Potter theme park two and a half yers ago, and took the ensuing silence as a sign that the project had fallen through. Well relax, because Universal has just revealed details about the park, along with an announcement that it’ll open in Florida next spring.

So let’s cut to the chase – in The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter there’ll be a twin high-speed rollercoaster called Dragon Challenge and the aforementioned family ride Flight Of The Hippogriff, plus all the usual tat on sale in over-merchandised fibreglass gift-huts and backbreaking queuing systems that you’ve come to expect as standard from every other theme park on the planet. But we’ll let AP report on the park’s centrepiece:

The “Forbidden Journey” ride was named by author J.K. Rowling and described Tuesday by Universal officials in a Web cast revealing details of what the Potter park will look like. The ride will take guests through scenes and rooms from the blockbuster movies inside a richly detailed remake of Hogwarts Castle made to look 700 feet tall.

‘Made to look’ 700 feet tall. Whatever could that mean? Does anyone else get the feeling that it’ll be staffed entirely by hamsters dressed up in tiny little wizard hats? No? Just us?

Anyway, we’re expecting to hear of other attractions slated for future inclusion in The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter soon, such as The JK Rowling Experience, where you gradually lose the ability to self-edit and end up rolling around in a gigantic pile of money. Or The Emma Watson Experience, where you definitely don’t go in any helicopters whatsoever and you have to write an apology if you say that you did.

Anyway, if you want to try The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter, be sure to get there fast before it gets bulldozed to house The Vampiring World Of Twilight, which has been scheduled for completion 18 months after everyone stops caring about that as well.

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G-Force sounded great, didn’t it? For a start, it’s called G-Force, so that promises all sorts of explosions and excitement.

And it stars Will Arnett, Tracy Morgan, Bill Nighy, Zach Galifianakis, Nicolas Cage, Loudon Wainwright III, Penelope Cruz, Steve Buscemi and Sam Rockwell too, so we assumed that it had to be excellent.

But no, G-Force is a film about some guinea pigs. And it looks like the worst film ever made. But, hey, it’s number one at the weekend box office this week, so what do we know? Other than that all people are idiots, obviously.

If you ask us, there aren’t enough films about animals doing hilariously human things. So thank heavens for US weekend box office number one G-Force – a film about some guinea pig spies – for adding to the hopelessly small canon of work that only really includes Kung Fu Panda, Surf’s Up, Ratatouille, Flushed Away, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Shark Tale, Madgascar, Antz, Over The Hedge, Ice Age, Ice Age 2, Ice Age 3 and about 400,000 other identical films. So great job, G-Force! We salute you!

Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - G-Force (Easily the most exciting film ever made about guinea pigs. Because it’s the only movie ever made about guinea pigs. Because guinea pigs are rubbish. Still, Nicolas Cage, eh? We’re in) $32,152,000

2 - Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince (So it turns out that this movie got its name because of a message written inside one of Harry Potter’s science textbooks. Which means that if Harry Potter went to our school, the movie would have been called Harry Potter And The Julie’s Got A Hairy Minge) $30,000,000

3 - The Ugly Truth (The film where Katherine Heigl has a When Harry Met Sally-style tableside orgasm. Except it’s a genuine orgasm instead of a simulated one. And it’s given to her by a fat child. It’s funny, because leaving cinemas feeling so uncomfortably grubby that you’ll probably go four or five nights without sleeping is funny. Apparently) $27,000,000

4 - Orphan (A film about a creepy, evil child who seems much older than she actually is. Essentially Dotty Off EastEnders: The Motion Picture) $12,770,000

5 - Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (Apparently there’s going to be an Ice Age 4 coming soon. SPOILER ALERT: He doesn’t get the bloody acorn) $8,200,000

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Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince, we do believe you’ve stumbled upon a clever new tactic.

Despite being the worst-received movie of the Harry Potter franchise, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince looks set to become the most successful movie in the franchise’s history, topping the weekend box office by some margin.

So the worse a Harry Potter film is, the better it does. That’s great news, especially for those of us who wanted part two of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows to feature nothing but Harry Potter staring at a shoebox for three hours and then meekly farting.

Out of the way, ropey movie spin-offs of 1960s TV shows! Stand back, tedious and slightly racist-seeming giant robots! Shove over, um, that Fatal Attraction rip-off that Beyonce did! Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince is here, and it might just become the biggest US weekend box office hit of the year so far, taking almost $160 million in its first five days.

And that bodes well for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, because that’s got everything that Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince had, and more. And by ‘and more’ we mean ‘and an owl getting graphically murdered’. But who doesn’t love a bit of owl-murder, eh? Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 – Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince (Spoiler alert – the half-blood prince in Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince is actually Prince. He kills Dumbledore with the funk. Or something. Let’s not pretend that we’re interested in seeing or reading anything about this ever. Our way is better) $79,475,000

2 - Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (Dawn Of The Dinosaurs apparently refers to a period of prehistorical time, and not the rough girl we went to school with called Dawn who had scaly skin and spiny humps across her back. And apparently that’s not grounds for a refund. Bastards) $17,700,000

3 - Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Hands up who else was disappointed when The Fallen was revealed to be a robot rather than an army of brittle-boned pensioners who just spent three days laying at the foot of their stairs because their personal alarm pendants had run out of batteries? No? Just us?) $13,750,000

4 – Bruno (A gigantic drop for last week’s weekend box office number one. Maybe talking urethras aren’t the future of cinema after all. Disappointing) $8,374,000

5 - The Hangover (Seven weeks. The Hangover has been in the weekend box office for seven poxy weeks now. Someone put it out of its misery, please. That bad film with Katherine Heigl in, we’re counting on you) $8,315,000

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There is no better way, as Harry Potter and the Half Order of the Philosopher’s Hallows has shown us all by raking in more than $100 million in its first day on release.

Puts you in the perfect mood for a weekend, doesn’t it paupers!

But can Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Ha! We do know what it’s called!) possibly rake in even more cash to make you feel even more inadequate?

Yes. That’s a stupid question.

What Potter and co. have also proved is that the unassailable Dark Knight is actually pretty assailable. While last year we all thought it would be the biggest film ever, ever, ever and make all the money in the world, we were wrong.

We forgot the market for children and adults who like to read children’s books (must… resist… urge… to… say… “idiots”…) is pretty bloody massive.

The film has proven to be something of an unexpected hit, dealing as it does with themes of abandonment and the loss of innocence, even going so far as to involve some sex trafficking…

Alright, so that’s a lie – what do you expect us to say? It’s another Harry Potter film, and once again it’s made a hell of a lot of money like everyone always knew it would. Even Daniel Radcliffe’s cock couldn’t stop it from making all the money people have left to give.

Warner Brothers studio president, Alan Horn, let this revelation slip to the BBC:

“We owe this record-breaking opening to the remarkable fans who have stood by us and who stood in line to be among the first to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”

Which must fill fans with confidence, knowing that the head of the studio has been able to make the link between people paying to see his movie and the incredible amount of money that comes their way – and therefore the ability to continue with the franchise.

It’s almost enough to make you think those in charge aren’t as dumb as they look, sound and probably smell.

It’s fair to say that if you’re gay, Protestant or a follower of any other religion apart from Christianity, then The Pope will blow raspberries at you.

It’s the job of The Pope – otherwise known as God’s right hand man – to tell us we’re all living in deep sin and will burn in hell.

Apart from pestering people to not wear condoms, The Pope doesn’t really have much in common with young people. You won’t see him in line at the kebab shop after dancing away at a seven hour rave. However, you could see him holding up the lines at the local cinema as queues to see the latest Harry Potter flick.

We imagine that it’s quite difficult for The Pope to get out during the daytime. With an army of followers who are actually real and not just porn spam on Twitter, he’d be recognised everywhere he went, making it impossible for him to nip down the off license for a crate of Peroni and packet of pork scratchings. He’ll have angel-like minders to get things for him, but where’s the fun in that?

Confined to the inner walls of The Vatican where he does nothing but read the Bible and build crosses out of balsa wood, we imagine The Pope is bound to get a little bit bored. But any of his extracurricular activities would need to be at least semi-related to Christianity. So no Babestation for The Pope.

If we were The Pope, we’d start to write a rival religious text, adding subtle differences such as giving Jesus chainsaws for arms and Moses the ability to breathe fire. It would instantly bring a wave of new followers to Christianity.

Sadly, The Pope turned to Harry bloody Potter instead. As we all know, the Harry Potter series has been a worldwide success for JK Rowling. After destroying a small forest in order to print the millions of copies of books, there are now also lunchboxes, pencil cases and other pointless pieces of tat covered in Harry Potter’s wizardy face.

However, when The Pope sat down with his hotdog and diet coke, he was in for a nasty surprise. All this hocus pocus of making potions in a lab, flying around on a broomstick and generally having fun shocked him so much he dropped his half-eaten penis-shaped snack! This isn’t the Christian way at all. Subsequently the following papal statement was issued about Harry Potter:

“The character was evil and born of “the devil.”

Well that isn’t very good is it? Surely his influential comments would drive away tons of people from seeing the film. Oh wait, it didn’t. Never mind, at least the comments made for an interesting Grumpy Old Men audition tape if nothing more. But that was then – times have changed. Now The Pope loves Harry Potter so much that he’d like to make contact with Daniel Radcliffe via a hug. Which definitely wouldn’t be gay. According to the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano:

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is the best of the series yet. The Vatican say that the film “made the age-old debate over good v evil crystal clear” and said it had the “correct balance” not exhibited in the other films.”

Why couldn’t The Pope have banned the film adaptation of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code instead? Everyone in the world would have been united in happiness then. Not just pissed off cinema goers.

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Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince is released next week, and it’s a hugely important film in the series.

No, not because of the drama. And not because of Hermione and Ron’s developing romance. It’s because, finally, Emma Watson is legitimately old enough for grotty old perverts to drool over her every time she accidentally flashes a portion of her knickers for a millisecond in public. Which she did this week at the Harry Potter premiere, in fact.

But still, it was a one-off mistake and every has moved on from… what? Emma Watson is still talking about it? Yeesh.

There’s a lot riding on Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince, you know. It’s the first Harry Potter film to be released since JK Rowling published the last book in the series. Will people still be interested now that they can just walk into a bookshop, look at the last page of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and see that Harry doesn’t die in the end?

Early reports suggest that they will, but that hasn’t stopped the main Harry Potter castmembers from going on an all-out media assault just to be sure. And by ‘all-out media assault’ we mean that Emma Watson slapped her grundies out for the photographers this week, which is more or less the same thing.

Now, admittedly, Emma Watson only flashed her knickers by accident – and they were probably on show for less than a second in total – but to look at the newspapers this week you’d think that she’d spent an hour and a half strutting up and down the Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince red carpet thrusting her be-knicked pelvis into the faces of crying children to the sound of the music from that Morecambe & Wise sketch.

But that’s to be expected – Emma Watson is a pretty young girl over the age of consent, and if it isn’t the paparazzi’s job to mortify girls like her by seizing upon their every mistake then we don’t know what is. Plus, it doesn’t matter what Emma Watson does – even if she stripped naked and punched a pensioner unconscious, most of us would just be relieved that she isn’t going out with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight any more.

Still, at least it’s all in the past now. At least she doesn’t keep bringing it up every time she goes on television. Oh wait, yes she does. Fox reports:

When television host David Letterman pointed out the faux-pas on “The Late Show,” a blushing Emma replied: “This was a small wardrobe malfunction, that happens. At least I’m wearing underwear,” the 19-year-old star added, before hanging her head in her hands to say she’s “still learning” this stuff.

Look, nice try Emma. But accidental or not, this whole Harry Potter nudity trend needs to be stopped immediately. First it was Harry Potter’s penis, then it was JK Rowlings’ bra, and now it’s your knick-knacks. Enough’s enough. Because, seriously, the next logical step here is Rupert Grint in a mankini, and there can’t be a single person on the face of the Earth who’d honestly want to see that.

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Attention! This is an important health announcement! Have you kissed Harry Potter’s Rupert Grint recently?

No? Have you inhaled any of Rupert Grint’s sweat? No? Have you splashed around in pools of Rupert Grint’s urine and mucus? If you have, then a) ugh, and b) you’ve probably got swine flu. Rupert Grint has caught swine flu.

Relax – Rupert Grint is better now. At least we assume so – if symptoms include discoloured skin, radioactive-looking hair, a voice that has never broken properly and a permanent look of confusion, then it’s probably best to steer clear of his house for a while.

Right, before we get going let’s put a few things straight here – we know it’s human nature to be disgusted by Rupert Grint for catching swine flu. We know that the natural human reaction is to push him over and shout “FLEAS!” into his face whenever you see him. We know that, if you happen to be a waiter at a restaurant where Rupert Grint dines, you’ll want to cover your nose and mouth with your apron, hold his face down in his food and shout “DIRTY PIG! YOU DIRTY PIG! EAT YOUR DINNER LIKE A PIG, YOU DIRTY PIG!” But you shouldn’t.

Because in a couple of months, we’re all going to have swine flu. They say that there’ll be 100,000 new cases of swine flu a day by next month in the UK alone. You’re going to have swine flu. We’re going to have swine flu. Celebrities are going to have swine flu. No celebrities have got swine flu at the moment, but Rupert Grint caught it recently and – since he’s the one from the Harry Potter films that people seem to like the least – he’s the closest thing we’ve got.

That’s right, Rupert Grint contracted swine flu recently, and he had to take some time off from filming Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows while everything he’s ever loved got burnt to stave off infection, or something. The Chicago Tribune reports:

“It has just been confirmed that Rupert Grint has taken a few days out of filming due to a mild bout of swine flu,” a spokesman for the actor said in a statement. “He has now recovered and is looking forward to joining his fellow cast members at the junket and premieres this week, and he will then return to filming.”

It’s thought that Rupert Grint had to miss some of his most important scenes in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows because of swine flu, like the scene where Harry says something to him and he pulls a funny face, the scene where Hermione says something to him and he pulls a funny face and the heartbreaking scene where Hagrid says something to him and he pulls a funny face, falls over and does a blow off. Dark days indeed.

But, anyway, the fact alone that Rupert Grint has already recovered from swine flu shows that he’s a modern-day Superman and that he should literally be worshipped as a hero with statues and shrines built in his honour up and down the country. Or it shows that it’s just the bloody flu and that people should stop getting their knickers in such a titting twist about it, the silly twats. One or the other, like.

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Emma Watson could totally be richer than the Queen – but she would have no idea, as it’s been a hot minute since she counted out all the coppers in her extra-large piggy bank.

The Harry Potter actress was recently allowed access to her fortune and so we would advise her to get the floors of her home reinforced at this point. A net worth of around £10 million, when all saved in coppers, has got to weigh as much as a small elephant.

The 19-year-old star spoke to Elle magazine about how she had no idea that she was stinking rich. In much the same way that Hank Baskett pretended he was not marrying Kendra Wilkinson in the yard where she and Hugh Hefner had played find the ping pong ball this past weekend, Emma says that she calculates her net worth by multiplying her number of Twitter friends by iPod catalogue size, like most tweens.

This is the same naivete that meant Amy Winehouse did not know she had her body-weight in smack hidden in her beehive. Or the same willingness to forget about immense fame that leads Prince Harry to be photographed in women’s underwear/ sparkly nail polish.

Horrid things usually happen when celebrities forget they are rich and famous. However, the worst thing likely to happen in this case, is Emma forgetting she has a wad of £50 notes in her pocket and asking you to sub her a burger, when you go to Maccy Ds.

“My dad never told me how much money I was earning,” the actress told the August issue of Elle magazine. “Then, when I hit 18, he was like, ‘I want you to understand that your money isn’t some kind of abstract concept. I want you to have a feel for what it’s worth and what you can do with it.’”

Sure, this prolly happens to other celebrities too. Britney Spears‘ parents didn’t tell her she had enough money in the bank to buy a decent weave. And Paris Hilton’s parents didn’t tell her that she had the power to stop the spread of VD, by just pulling up her pants. Secrets are terrible things, as is pretending you’re not mega wealthy.

“The truth is I’d just like to pretend that it [the money] doesn’t exist. It’s amazing how many children are aware from such a young age about money being important or supposedly impressive. Around the age of 13 or 14, kids used to come up to me and say, ‘You the girl on Harry Potter? How much do you make?’”

Emma’s fortune and floorboards are safe for now. She is probably better off pretending and not indulging the butt-kissing sycophants who ask her daily about her net worth. Should they need it, Heckler have a very, very safe cupboard under the stairs in which we can hide Emma’s £10 million, Amy’s crack and Paris’ STD meds. There… all safe.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is so far beyond excellent that there isn’t even a word for it.

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The Adventures Of Willy The Wizard No 1: Livid Land is a wonderful book wherein the protagonist possibly vanquishes evil by rubbing it incessantly with his magical buttock.

Since Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire basically has the exact same plot, sentence structure, verb-to-noun ratio and pie graphs, the heirs of the Willy Wizard estate have recognised it as unapologetic plagiarism. As such they are now suing JK Rowling either until she agrees to show them the exact location of Hogwarts, and to allow Willy Wizard a full seven-book scholarship there, or for 813 million dollars.

We honestly don’t remember which.

When JK Rowling first decided to write Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire for the sole purpose of furthering her unholy satanic agenda, she probably had no idea why her dark lord, as he spoke from the belly of a freshly slain cat, demanded she do so by plagiarising a boring author that nobody ever heard of and would likely never read.

But that’s just what she did. Allegedly. Well of course you know she probably didn’t do it, but that’s what two descendants of Adrian Jacobs are claiming. They are bound and determined to squeeze Rowling for £500 million in a British court of law. Either that or they’re bound and determined to get their dead dad a butt-load of publicity with a lawsuit like this.

Here’s what it says on All Headline News:

“Legal papers filed by Jacobs’ estate list similarities between the books, including “shared references” to a wizard train and prison and a magical contest where the boy wizard must rescue human hostages taken captive by half-human creatures. In addition to £500 million [$813 million] in damages, the estate is seeking an injunction to prevent further sales of the offending book, or a share in the tome’s profits”

If that’s not enough for you – here’s what a Willy Wizard fan wrote about the book on Amazon.co.uk:

“This book is great for kids, it very much appears to resemble Harry Potter. I love this book, ive grown up with it and it has been signed by the author Adrian Jacobs. i really do recommend this book to every child. it is very hard to get a hold of and is extremely rare. Its about Willy the Wizard who goes to wizard college on a train and adventures begin to happen, you will really have to read this book yourself its great!!”

If this lawsuit works and the Willy Wizard people end up with part-ownership in all of Rowling’s bank accounts, let us simply state we once wrote a book called ‘The Wizard’s Willy.’ It was about a magician who died but most of his genitalia lived on for another 100 years helping those in need. We haven’t actually read Willy Wizard, but the title alone definitely borrows heavily from our little-read masterpiece.

We’re just saying that we’re probably owed a little something too. British courts – save us a seat.

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9 – Guess what Samuel L Jackson’s TV edit of his famous Snakes On A Plane line is. Guess a million times. You’ll still be wrong – Bestweekever

8 – A bunch of celebrity photos that are odd, to say the least - PopEater

7 – Harry Potter: now with Hermione in an uncomfortably sexy dress – Popsugar

6 – Headlines we didn’t really expect to see: ‘I Breastfeed My Father’ - Yahoo

5 - I’m So Bad At Sex Dot Com. You’ll thank us for this one – Imsobadatsex

4 – Masturbation: the FACTS! UGH! – Psychologytoday

3 – A list of the worst action stars of all time. Jay Leno is number one - Popcrunch

2 - So we’ve decided to save you some legwork and find a clip of it on YouTube. On reflection, we agree with his inclusion in the list – YouTube

1 – If anyone ever asks you what the internet is, this video is probably the perfect distillation…

J.K Rowling’s kid-hero returns for a darker tale in Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince, the sixth film in the Potter saga.

Although Harry Potter is the kind of sci-fi pulp more suited to those with learning difficulties, The Half Blood Prince looks like a hell of a ride. Director David Yates brings you back to Hogwarts where a new professor, Horace Slughorn, begins teaching innocent children how to concoct napalm and ‘obsession’ potions which will do their adolescent relationships plenty of favours.

Meanwhile Harry receives words of wisdom from Professor Dumbledore, has a fixation for his friend’s sister, captains the Quidditch team and attempts to foil Voldemort and the plotting Draco Malfoy.

Meanwhile, the real world is in serious trouble but Harry is happy to prance about in magic land and dally with intoxicating ‘potions’. The city of London is beset by dark and destructive forces and only a geeky magician can save it. Love or hate the kiddie franchise, this film begs a sitting from fan and cynic alike.

[story by Alex de Moller]

Smart celebrities know the money ride doesn’t last forever. Look at Tito Jackson, for instance. Last we heard he was living in a box and wrestling mice for lunch.

That’s why famous-folk with any ounce of smarts take the money while its coming in and invest it somewhere to protect their bank accounts against the day they turn ugly and covered in stretch marks.

Jamie Waylett, a young actor only known as ‘the foodie’ on all 100 Harry Potter movies, is smart enough to know this. That’s why he started a viable pot farm in his mom’s house bedroom.

If hecklerspray was allowed but a portion of the Harry Potter money still flying around like mad out there, we’d take it and make a girlfriend entirely out of bacon. We’d call her Heather, and would gnaw her a little every morning next to a steaming plate of eggs. We’d start at the toes and work our way up – completely avoiding the lady part we’re too shy to mention.

When her legs were gone we imagine it would get more and more difficult to drag her across the movie-house parking lot to catch a matinee. That’s probably when we’d pause for a few minutes, remember our good times together in a montage-like format, and then eat the rest of her to bestow the dignity we know she’s always wanted.

Jamie Waylett, on the other hand, would use his Harry Potter money to get pulled over by police who would later raid his home and find alleged pot plants reaching eagerly for the light provided by a Playstation screen.

The NY Daily News lends us some much needed clarification:

Cops stopped Waylett on April 2 while he was driving his Audi car, because they thought he was acting suspiciously. Inside the car, officers allegedly found eight bags of marijuana and arrested Waylett and his friend. Police later raided the 19-year-old actor’s home, taking ten mature plants with them… The pot was allegedly being grown under powerful hydroponic lights, right next to Waylett’s Playstation and his DJ decks.

Well we don’t know which we find more offensive – this or the thought of nudist Rupert Grint and naked Emma Watson eventually making love to their bacon-spouses should a dynamite script ever demand it.

One dynamite script does demand it, actually. It’s our Mother’s. She’s been working on it since we were in kindergarten, and (spoiler) it climaxes when a bacon-lady gives up everything after she falls madly in love with the President of the United States, who it ends up had bacon innards all along. The basic plot’s been written for ages – we were all hoping Ronald Reagan would be able to play himself once he left office.

Things didn’t play out that way though. Obviously. Anyone know a look-alike? We’re willing to pay a handsome salary.

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On the down side, if you forgot to cover up while the shot-puttin’ paper boy road past you risked getting very tiny cuts in very sensitive places. Oh the memories. While we’re on the topic you should know it was in a nude-theatre that we first took in that Harry Potter film.

We should probably recommend that place to Rupert Grint, him apparently being a recently converted nudist and all.

Oh you read that right.

Outside of Harry Potter Daniel Radcliffe has only been taking roles where his genitalia gets referenced at least three times in the script. This doesn’t make sense until you realise he’s most likely getting two pay checks for it. Seriously, we heard his left nut has a five bedroom house somewhere in the Alps – complete with a neutered butler, which is just so ironic.

Rich nuts forget where they’re from, you know?

Now Rupert Grint, who’s mannana has been famous every bit as long as Radcliffe’s except under several layers of clothing, is letting the sweet sun warm every single circumcised part of his body while a nearby film director shouts things at it like ‘Hey! Hey! I said stop staring at the floor! Good, now show me frightened.’

We mean Grint is getting naked in a movie.

This is true because we don’t think the Malaysia Sun would ever lie to us:

“English actor Daniel Radcliffe, who played the role of Harry Potter in the film series …shed off his clothes on stage in Equus. Now, Grint, 20, who shot to fame with his role as Ron Weasley, has shed off his clothes in the new movie. The film is about three teenagers who embark on a debauched weekend of drink, drugs, shoplifting and stealing cars.”

When asked about his first nude roll Grint simply joked about how they were gonna need a much longer camera. Bad-um-bum.

He never said that. Nobody said that.

Although the young red headed actor refuses to say exactly how much his penis will get paid for the film, Forbes would likely assure us it’s a shoe-in for 2009’s Top 50 Richest Young Hollywood Schlongs list, right behind a few penises you’ve never heard of and something oblong and sticky that’s growing on Oprah’s foot.

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Yes, now she’s all grown up, Emma Watson is proud woman in possession of a full set of boobs and, if we hear correctly, a properly-functioning bottom. And she’d like nothing more than to show you.

Observing Daniel Radcliffe’s critical acclaim after appearing nude in Equus, Emma Watson has decided that she’d quite like to get naked, too. But only if it’s artistic and integral to the plot. Or slapdash and gratuitous. She’s not really bothered.

The Harry Potter actors are quickly approaching a crossroads in their life – after the movie series ends in the next couple of years they can either accept that they were lucky to be part of the Harry Potter phenomenon to begin with, live off the millions they earnt from it and top up their holiday funds by appearing on The Weakest Link: Rubbish Old Bloody Hasbeens We Can Barely Even Remember Edition once every few years. Or they can become serious actors.

Daniel Radcliffe has taken the second option, embarking on a wildly successful transatlantic run as the little naked horse-stab boy in Equus. And it’s paid dividends – by doing so, Radcliffe has dismissed any notion that he’s the next Mark Hamill. At the absolute least he’s a new version of Mark Hamill who gets his cock out night after night at the behest of a terrifying half-man half-horse god figure. So take that, haters.

And now Emma Watson has decided that she wants a slice of the artistic credibility pie as well. Although she shot to fame as prim little bookworm Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, Emma Watson has been experimenting with adulthood a little lately, by showing off her knickers and possibly getting off with pig-faced rockers who look like they smell of paint thinner.

The final step of this transformation is, of course, the utterly gratuitous movie nude scene.  So Emma Watson has decided that he wants to do that as well now, please. The New York Daily News reports:

The baby-faced teenager, who has garnered legions of fans for her role as innocent Hermione Granger, admitted this weekend she would go naked for her art. “Yes. For Bernardo Bertolucci. It … depends,” said the actress, referring to the Italian director. But she quickly rationalized, “I’m not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job.”

That’s right Emma, it is part of your job to get naked. After all, if young actresses didn’t blunder into onscreen nudity at an embarrassingly young age, then the internet would shrivel up and die within weeks. Emma Watson, we salute you.

But, as shocking as it sounds to her that Emma Watson from Harry Potter wants to get naked in a film, remember that it’s not as scandalous as it sounds – Emma is 18 years old now and she’s firmly stated that it won’t be happening immediately.

After all, Emma Watson has a wise head and she knows that it’ll take several years to decide if she wants to thwonk her boobies out in a tawdry straight-to-DVD erotic thriller, or if she wants to preserve her womanhood for something really special like Showgirls 2: Return Of The Minge.

So, sincere congratulations to Emma Watson for her nudity vow. We’re sure that however she decides to display her bazzers on celluloid, a small army of quite creepy middle-aged men will firmly support her all the way.

Oh, but Emma? If you being naked in a film inspires that Ron Weasley kid to do the same thing, we’re going to hunt you down and tear you apart like dogs. Dogs, you hear? OK, thanks.

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Because if that was true, then JK Rowling would be our dealer. And Rowling is a mean dealer, too – she’s been withholding our supply, probably until we break down and agree to let her become our pimp or something – but yesterday JK Rowling threw us a lifeline.

Because yesterday JK Rowling released her new book The Tales Of Beedle The Bard – kind of like the methadone to Harry Potter’s hardcore skag – and somewhat predictably it instantly became a bestseller.

Never let it be said that JK Rowling isn’t an intelligent woman. She knows as well as anyone else that nothing she ever does for the rest of her life will be as popular as Harry Potter and that, once the Harry Potter series had ended, there was a strong chance that she’d be on the scrapheap. A really nice scrapheap, obviously, made of great big gold scraps that your entire family couldn’t afford even if they worked every hour of the day for their entire lives, but a scrapheap nonetheless.

So what did JK Rowling do? She made sure that an important plot device in the last Harry Potter book was The Tales Of Beedle The Bard – a gimmicky spin-off book that she could then write herself and flog off to the millions of children who’d buy a rancid squirrel carcass if it was branded with the Harry Potter logo. Genius.

It’s important to note that JK Rowling didn’t publish The Tales Of Beedle The Bard for the money – all proceeds from it are going to charity – but for the supercharged thrill of knowing that if she was any more powerful she’d legally qualify as a god and that she can crush her enemies like bugs whenever she wants. And, you know, because she likes writing and children and charity and crap.

Anyway, JK Rowling released The Tales Of Beedle The Bard yesterday and, as if you needed telling, it was instantly snapped up by everyone hungry to get their hands on a fresh slice of authentic Harry Potter literature, even if none of them would know what a bloody Beedle was if it came up and shat in their mouths. The New York Daily News reports:

J.K. Rowlings new book “The Tales of Beedle the Bard” hit stores Thursday, and it looks like Harry Potter fans can’t get a copy fast enough! The book soared to the top of the online bestsellers lists on Amazon.com and the Barnes&Noble Web site. A $100 collector’s edition offered exlusively on Amazon.com had skyrocketed from 778,576 to 22 on the site’s ”Movers & Shaker’s” list, which tracks the biggest gainers in sales rank.

Now, look, we know it’s for charity and everything, but know this – if you see anyone reading the $100 version of The Tales Of Beedle The Bard in public, it’s your moral and legal obligation to knock the book out of their hands and into a puddle to make them cry. Just so you know.

Anyway, now that The Tales Of Beedle The Bard is officially a hit, all we need to do is sit back and wait for the inevitable movie adaptation to hit cinemas, something which we’re particularly looking forward to because – if the Harry Potter actor tradition holds – it won’t be long before Babbitty Rabbitty gets her cackling stump out onstage during a theatrical production of Equus.

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