When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.

Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.

Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.

Hallowe’en costumes are the sort of thing that you really want to get right. Imagine you’re at a party dressed as a comedy dog turd and that girl/guy that you’ve fancied for ages shows up. The last thing you want is to- quite literally- look like a canine has just expelled you from its rectum.

That’s where the costume makers come in, these kings of convenience will sell you a costume to suit your every whim and fancy, and all for a reasonably small fee.

That’s the criteria of this list- to make it, the costume has to be an all-in-one that you can buy from the internet. None of this “oh, look at the terrible craftsmanship in that gentleman’s homemade ghost costume” tripe here. We’ve also included the links, should you need to pick up some last minute Hallowe’en garb.

Our gratitude to the people of the good ship Twitter for helping us compile this list.

10. Zombie Cowboy

Okay, so they’re not all sexy.

We’ll concede the fact that this is far from the worst costume of the bunch but the mask really lets it down. “Oh, you’ve come as a zombie Charles Manson? You know he didn’t use guns and just convinced people to do his killing for him?” Perhaps the most disturbing element of the costume is the fact that the mask looks one of Jim Henson’s Imagineers turned Manson into a muppet. Chilling.

Highlight: The wee plastic rifle. Not included.

Want it? You can get it here.

9. The Kinky Krayon

The trend for attending Hallowe’en shindigs dressed as a child’s drawing implement is long established but what if you want to go as a wax rod and maintain your femininity? Well, this naughty crayon might be for you. Just don’t put up with any phallic innuendo.

Highlight: This seems to be endorsed by Crayola.

Want it? Get it here.

8. Inflatable Jabba The Hutt

Star Wars fans are always arguing about the minutiae of their favourite film series but, in the first of our Star Wars entries, why not do it dressed like an inflatable, post-stroke Vanessa Feltz? It’s difficult not to suggest that this costume looks like a mutilated penis so… err… this costume looks like a mutilated penis!

Highlight: Its almost looks like he’s winking at you.

Want it? Why wouldn’t you? Get your grubby paws on it here.

7. ‘Why Helllllloow’ Kitty

hecklerspray are by no means moral crusaders. In fact, the less clothes we can put on something, the better. However, this might just take the global obsession with the glorified Nyan Cat, Hello Kitty, a little bit too far. Also, it doesn’t seem to sit very well around the crotch…

Highlight: It barely covers your arse which is exactly what you want from a beloved children’s character.

Want it? You’re a sick puppy.

6. Don’t Cross the Streams

I ain’t afraid of no hot-pants! Seriously though, this one is just wholly impractical. The Ghostbusters wear boiler suits for a reason- to keep the ectoplasm off their skin. With this costume, you could end up with ectoplasm splattered all over your ch- oh… gotcha.

Highlight: A jaunty cap which really sets the whole thing off.

Want it? Buy it with your hard-earned pennies here.

5. Sexually Inappropriate iPhone

In fairness, if this costume was actually called “sexually inappropriate iPhone” then it might be funny but as it is they’ve picked a man who looks enough like a rapist to make this abortion of a costume worthwhile. You’ll notice that some of the buttons are, instead of apps, sexually suggestive comments. We assume that they’re there so that ladies can swan up and touch the one that they want to do with him or at least use them to target their punches.

Highlight: The “turn me on” button that probably doubles as a makeshift glory hole.

Want it? You can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, Amazon.

4. Mind the Gap!

Yes, that’s right folks. In at number 4, it’s everyone’s favourite walking fuzzball given a 21st century update by costume makers so that women can feel sexy while dressed up like a strategically shaved sasquatch. What’s in the pouch? A Wookiee never reveals its secrets.

Or is that a magician?

Highlight: The fur-lined Wookiee pants which will have Star Wars fans from here to Mos Eisley drooling into their inflatable Jabba the Hutt costumes.

Want it? Really? (If that’s not enough, you might enjoy the PVC Darth Vader & Stormtrooper in one of the pictures)

Let it go down in lore that the following costumes are the worst costumes that we have ever seen on sale. In all honesty, they’re probably about equal but we’ve scored them based on how much they ruined much-loved franchises.

3. Cool But Rude?

Let’s remember that classic theme song for a moment. “Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.” This costume combines all of those elements for those looking to lead people to the bedroom, use a vibrator on them, never call them again and then go to another party to repeat the process. What have you come as? The corruption of childhood memories. Oh, wonderful.

Highlight: PVC boots designed to really accentuate the message of the outfit.

Want it? Of course you do, you kinky thing.

2. Optimus Primed & Ready For Action

It has long been a trucker’s dream that the rig would magically transform into a beautiful woman but it’s so unclear what this costume is actually supposed to be that it would leave even the most ardent truck-fan flaccid. Still, at least it’s not a Michael Bay transformer or you’d be able to see right through her and into the vacuous pit of money where Bay himself lies, mocking everyone that grew up in the 80s & 90s.

Highlight: The two diddy little wheels attached to the shoulders. It’s supposed to make it clearer.

Want it? If you must…

1. Dead or Alive, You’re Coming With Us

What’s that? You didn’t think it could get worse than Optimus Prime? Well, ladies & gentlemen, your number one is the sexy Robocop. Part french maid, part law enforcement cyborg, this costume will set you back about $70 (in that American money) and will ensure that no-one speaks to you all night. Although, for only $30 extra you can get a holster implanted into your leg by a South American doctor in a grubby operating room. Excellent value.

Highlight: Worried that people might mistake the costume for a “tarty Geordi LaForge” the makers of the costume added in a neck band which clearly states who the person is supposed to be. Gets rid of the awkward “what have you come as?” questions. “Oh, you’ve come as an idiot.”

Want it? You’re the worst kind of scum.

So there you have it folks, there’s some real doozies in there but we know that you’ll be all fixed up and will end the evening with your pants around your ankles, vomitting into a Jack o’ Lantern and isn’t that what Hallowe’en’s all about?

Yes, yes it is.

10. Not content with being a famous actor/musician/turkey-peddler Martin Kemp has taken to inventing emoticons. Is there no end to this man’s talents?!

9. Hallowe’en’s coming so here’s a gentleman teaching you how to TEAR YOUR GOD DAMNED EYE OUT!! Or at least make it look like you did.

8. No internet round up would be complete without something to do with a CAT now, would it?

7. “Let’s fly the kids out to be with their parents in a war zone!” “But that’s a terrible idea!” “It wasn’t me, it was the work experience kid.” Oh…

6. Invented Time Travel: What have you ever done?

5. Sexism’s cool, right? That must be why this story’s on the Newsbeat page.

4. Just what in the name of blue balls is flarf poetry? It hardly matters. Or maybe this interview by Ruth Tolerton with poet Spencer Madsen will explain. MAYBE.

3. It’s almost Hallowe’en so of course you want to go as a… wait… a “sexy” Wolverine? Riggggghhhhht.

2. Herman Cain, nefarious Presidential candidate has a campaign video that’s just bound to go viral. It’s Block Being Block.

1. A whole range of Star Wars ice-cube trays? Well… if you insist.

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Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Unfortunately the reality was much less interesting (much like Big Brother, in fact). In fact no actual celebrities turned up to the event, leaving the organisers to sift through the dregs of the Z-List. People who were willing to coo about how good the inevitably terrible film was in order to get £50 from the poor bastards doing PR for yet another shark-jumping horror sequel.

On that subject, we did make the slightly erroneous claim that the premiere was ‘star-studded’ but perhaps a ‘diamanté vajazzled’ audience would be a more accurate term. Well-known Jordan lookalike Katie Price (the one with the tits that she hates us mentioning), Dane Bowers (of ‘sexing Katie Price’ fame), Ironik (the least ironic man alive) and Michelle Heaton (nope, no idea) were among the great washed-up to enter the compound in the pursuit of enough money to buy a loaf of bread and some crack.

Of course, it’s yet another premiere that hecklerspray wasn’t invited to despite us finally meeting the criteria that many of our commenters lay down for us. “What have you ever achieved?” We would argue that we’ve achieved more than Dane Bowers and yet here we are picking the mould off the bottom of our tea cups while he has an awkward conversation with Katie Price about male ejaculate over some plastic nachos.

We can’t win.

The third instalment of the horror franchise is set 18 years before the first film, and is directed by the people who made Catfish, a film that is almost as awful as Paranormal Activity III is bound to be.

Alice Cooper is just great isn’t he? He’s the old dame of rock ‘n’ roll, pissing about with snakes, guillotines and fake blood, all the while, churning out goth-pop and stadium horror rock with a cheeky glint in his eye.

He takes his work about as seriously as hecklerspray takes writing.

Yet somehow, despite the Iggy Stooge shock-tactics and releasing LPs that come in schoolgirl knickers, he’s become a hugely famous star. Your mum probably likes some of his tunes. And so, you should have a nice family day-out to his UK Halloween shows which, in fairness, look like they’re going to be one gigantic laughathon. With cobwebs. However, Alice Cooper needs you… if you’re a freakshow of a human that is.

So why are we doing appeals for Alice Cooper? Well, this is a naked, unashamed attempt to get free tickets for his show. We write words and hopefully, we get to see Alice and his band, alongside the New York Dolls and potentially The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.

There’s an intimate gig where Cooper will take his ghoulish pop to the 100 Club on June 26th. That’ll be a good gig for Cooperites. However, it’s the big-ass tour in Autumn that will be the shows to catch.

In October, he’ll roll out ‘Alice Cooper’s Halloween Night Of Fear’ to promote new LP ‘Welcome 2 My Nightmare’, which is nice and all, but we just want to hear ‘Under My Wheels’, ‘Poison’ and all the hits. Sorry Alice, you know how it works.

Alice says:

“This show comes with a health warning – We don’t do acoustic, this will be loud.”

Being a Detroit kid, we should bloody well think so. So where do you come in? Well, Alice is calling together the depraved weirdos and fire breathing loons to star in his show. He’s holding auditions for freaks to gross out everyone.

Says Alice:

“It takes a lot to shock me, but last year even my stomach was churning, Britain really has got freaks. That’s what’s Halloween is all about. It’s my favourite time of the year, bring on the gore!”

Auditions are June 27th in London’s Hyde park. Go to alicecooper.com to find out about it all. You’ve got ’til June 22nd. Start making people puke with glee. It is your duty.

Now, here are the tour dates. Can we have some free tickets now? Thanks.

Tour Dates

JUNE 2011

SUNDAY 26 LONDON 100 CLUB – Doors 7pm

OCTOBER 2011

TUESDAY 25 SHEFFIELD CITY HALL

WEDNESDAY 26 BRISTOL COLSTON HALL

THURSDAY 27 BIRMINGHAM NIA

SATURDAY 29 LONDON ALEXANDRA PALACE

SUNDAY 30 02 APOLLO MANCHESTER

MONDAY 31 GLASGOW CLYDE AUDITORIUM

Tickets go on sale 9am on Friday 17th June 2011 and should cost around £35.

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Halloween is shit and scary. Britain is shit and scary. Kieran Yates tells you how to dress up for Halloween so you can look shit and scary too. Brilliant.

It’s that time of year again- the pressure is on to create a fancy dress costume that isn’t utterly dismal- in the vain hope that we can do better than slut-cats or stolen-from-NHS bandages to make mummies.

The age of austerity is the age of creativity so we keep being told – and this is the year that we better get creative, so I’m looking to current affairs for inspiration.

Last year I went as a gnome.

Here’s my Top 5 ideas so you won’t follow on the same footsteps.

1. Chilean Miners/Maggie Thatcher

About: 33 Chilean miners were trapped underground for 64 days. They were rescued on Maggie T’s birthday. Ah, the irony.

You will need: Flashlight, torch, charcoal and fancy dress shop false ‘bad teeth’ (they suffered from bad dental hygiene you know). Affix a cage like object to your head, which you can keep opening to ‘emerge’ over and over- a look of relief and exhaustion will only add to this look, so perhaps one to don straight after work on a Friday.

For the second part:-MT

You will need: A female friend/male friend willing to drag for the occasion, donning an orange wig and that red suit. White paint and panstick (she’s ill you know) and a limp birthday cake which she will be throwing at the miner, screaming ‘It’s my Birthday!! Shut up!!!’ ‘Shut uppp!’

2. Ali WeiWei being chased by ‘Supernanny’ State

About: Ali Weiwei’s installation ‘Sunflower Seeds’ in the Tate’s turbine hall has been deemed too dangerous for the public to you know, actually engage in, so the nanny state has slapped a big old ‘keep clear’ on that bitch. Woo ha.

You will need: A tortured artist covered in 100 million ‘sunflower seeds’ hand painted by a 1600 workers labouring for three years. These should be stuck to the artist in question, while he spends the night inspecting each one for size shape and three brush strokes on each.

For the second part:Jo Frost as ‘Supernanny State’

You will need an ample bosomed severe woman in a suit, in trademark glasses and donning a gasmask and chasing you around with a rope screaming ‘you’re too dangerous! stand back!! sit on the naughty step before you give everyone lung cancer!’

3. Girls Aloud

About- The girls are on the brink of a break up. Cheryl is the queen, and the rest pretend not to care. They all hate Nadine. She didn’t support Chezza’s X Factor performance, you know.

You will need: 5 waifish girls, (eating disorders not mandatory, just need to look like they have them). Sarah is the blonde slaggy one, maybe douse her in vodka so she smells as we would expect. Kimberley is boring (for the last dresser) so no need to spend to much time on this – heels and a skirt will do. Nicole- the red headed one- must be sulking and bitching that she is no longer the only red head in the group. Nadine must not be present. Or, you could dress up as silent ghost,a pink elephant, or any other metaphor that fits. Cheryl must be in fake everything, (you know what to do) screaming that ‘Ah can believe eim the nations sweet-hort like!’ and demand to be bowed down to by the other girls. All must be smiling saccharinely at cameras while while spreading rumours about how Cheryl has herpes or something.

4. Justin Bieber

About: Baby Bieber has released a trailer for his documentary. Despite not ever had a wet dream.

You will need: Floppy hair that is flicked vigorously so you walk into doors/tables/breasts without realising. (Excellent, as can mask drunkenness on ‘getting into character’.) You will need a throng of cameramen following you around capturing your every move who repeat how ‘fascinating’ your world is- at one point in the night when you bump into some cleavage you must scream ‘come here! come here! I think I’m having my first wet dream! My pants are getting soggy!’ and they will hurriedly follow, documenting this milestone.

5. Wagner

About: Bongo bashing sex bomb of our nightmares.

You will need: One for the gatecrashing grandads that still consider themselves lotharios and attend weekly salsa classes so they can press up against young women. This one really makes itself if you find the right candidate. I recommend picking some up from strip bars in Soho, collecting the dregs from the closing hours of teen discos, wedding receptions and sixth form proms. After they’ve finished leering at young, firm skin- add some hair, a few gold chains, play some latino and let the years of pent up sexual frustration and self loathing run free. Let the good times roll. Maybe add a bongo.

Happy Halloween!

This was a guest post by the impossibly attractive Kieran Yates. Cheer or something.

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To celebrate the upcoming release of his new film ‘The Ward’*, hecklerspray would like to remind everyone of why John Carpenter is, on a good day, one of the greats. Liking John Carpenter is like being an Oasis fan- you still hope that the next release will capture those defining moments that made him/them so vital to you despite the fact that you’ve been hurt so many times.

If you can’t understand why we sound like an abused wife, then you obviously haven’t seen Ghosts of Mars.

Here is a list of films, underneath each title there’s an explanation of why you have to see it. You’ve read magazines so you know how these lazy articles work- either you already like the films and you enjoy reading someone agree with you or you haven’t seen them, in which case you have no interest in reading any of this.

In fact let’s just scrub the pretence that this article is in any way educational, just sit down and have your own opinions fed back to you by people wittier than you have any hope to be.

Okay?

Here’s the list complete with videos so you can pretend you’ve seen these films when you clearly haven’t.

The Thing (1982)

You know the commonly accepted wisdom that the best monster movies hardly ever show you the actual monster. Well that doesn’t take into consideration how awesome it is to see a man’s belly turn into gaping jaws and bite someone’s arms off. The beauty of Carpenter’s arctic shape-shifter horror is the mix of psychological horror (the relentless paranoia) and out-and-out gore fest. Morricone supplies the paranoia with his bleak soundtrack, whilst Rob Bottin dreams up some of the most unpleasantly visceral effects ever seen.

Halloween (1978)

A eyebrow-less William Shatner chases and kills teenagers despite never actually running, while scary synthesizer does its thing in the background, whilst Donald Pleasance pops up every so often to tell us what’s going on.

Escape from New York (1981)

Carpenter’s B-movie masterpiece has Kurt Russell’s Snake Plisskin running about killing street punks, being a dick to EVERYONE and most importantly, wearing an eye patch. We love disco-era street punks, how did anyone EVER think the gangs in The Warriors were scary.

They Live (1988)

If you were reading this article in the year 2000, we could impress you all by pointing out how this film was so ahead of it’s time with its blend of cheesy straight-to-video action flick and consumerist satire- aliens are running the Earth via corporate America and you can only see them if you wear special sunglasses. Unfortunately in the year 2010 consumerism, like environmentalism are things that we’ve been distracting away from because… argh look out there’s a terrorist behind you. Sorry, what was I talking about? Can’t remember, we guess it wasn’t important.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

Street gangs lay siege to an abandoned police station populated by a disparate bunch, one of which is a criminal called Napoleon Wilson. Cheap, and utterly gripping.

In the Mouth of Madness (1993)

This love letter to HP Lovecraft (the author, not some kind of Brown-sauce covered sex-toy), has Sam Neill overacting his antipodean tits off, and has that whole ‘road that brings you back to where you started’ thing going on, which scares the hell out of us.

* OK so we haven’t got a UK release date yet, but it comes out in Belgium on 24th November. This is the internet, so this article could be very popular in Belgium. Stop judging us.

Right and wrong.

Folded:

• Flashback by Calvin Harris (the definition of a ditty. Annoy yourself for liking it)
• Halloween: Vampires (only really frightening if you fear teenagers)
• Burger King ‘Tub Burger’ (or ‘Windows 7’ according to the PR. Looks delicious)
• Zombieland (shouldn’t be compared to Shaun of the Dead, but it will be. Plus, whisper it, it might be funnier too)
• Give in to Twitter (join late; you’ll be glad you did. What with this and Facebook, and even MySpace if you’re really bored, you need never work again)

Creased:

• Pork Pie hat (don’t be tempted. Trust us, you can’t wear one. Only Popeye Doyle can)
• TJ Hooker (Shatner as a police PT instructor? Even his stuntman doesn’t look credible)
• Fight For This Love by Cheryl Cole (Cole as Natasha Bedingfield, only blander. That’s right, blander)
• Halloween: Clowns (what do you mean they’re not scary? Pennywise? Tim Curry? TIM CURRY!)
• Quest (Dave for explorers)

Halloween seems to have lost its bite lately. What’s scary about a couple of children with sheets on their heads asking for confectionery? Nothing.

So how can we make Halloween scary again? Simple – puppets. Puppets and dolls are easily the scariest thing in the entire world. Look at them, staring at you with their cold, dead eyes. They’re terrifying. And we’re pretty sure they all come to life at night and watch you sleep. Seriously, 9‘s released today and that little doll thing freaks us out.

So in the spirit of Halloween we’ve decided to compile the definitive list of culture’s creepiest, freakiest, most uncomfortably nightmarish puppets. Enjoy. And sleep well tonight…

9 – Big Bird (Sesame Street)

At this point in time, generations of children have been taught how to count to 10 by a gigantic yellow canary with a voice like a psychologically-disturbed murderer and a beak that could quite easily stab you through the eyeball. And you wonder why the planet’s so messed up.

8 – Mr Punch (Punch and Judy)

In America they have Mickey Mouse. In England we have Mr Punch, a hard-faced monster in a funny hat so tormented by his own silly voice that he’s driven to compulsively attack his wife with a paddle while telling an audience of children that “that’s the way to do it”. At the seaside. Oh, the humanity.

7 – Billy (Saw)

Officially the scariest thing about the Saw movies, after the fact that people still inexplicably pay to watch the Saw movies. Obviously.

6 – 9 (9)

Yes, he’s technically a doll and not a puppet. And, yes, in the movie he’s actually quite adorable. But ask yourself this – what would you do if you saw him running around your house? That’s right, you’d burn him, wouldn’t you? You’d scream, and then you’d try to burn him.

5 – Skekis (The Dark Crystal)

The stuff that nightmares are made of. Thanks Jim Henson. Never has one man caused so many to wet their beds so often. We’ll give you the cleaning bill when we SEE YOU IN HELL, Henson.

4 – Chucky (Child’s Play)

Not so much because he’s an inanimate object possessed by the soul of a violent murderer. Not so much because of the thought of his tiny plastic grasping hands. No, it’s because he looks exactly like Mick Hucknall from Simply Red. We can only take so much, you know.

3 – Everyone from Peppermint Park (Peppermint Park)

They say that Peppermint Park was a straight-to-VHS children’s show from the 1980s. We’re not so sure. We think it’s a slightly recut version of the dinner scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Only much, much more likely to send you into a quivering meltdown.

2 – Pinocchio (Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio)

Not just a puppet. Not just a puppet that thinks it’s a boy. A puppet that thinks it’s a boy being played by a middle-aged man. Literally the dictionary definition of creepy. Could anything on the face of the planet be as profoundly unsettling as that?

1 – Dolmio Family (Dolmio adverts)

Well, yes. This. They’re puppets, but they like to eat meat. And as soon as they work out that humans are made out of meat, we’ll be done for.  You hear us? WE’LL BE DONE FOR. If you need us, we’ll be hiding in a cupboard, sobbing.

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

Zippy from Rainbow

Beaker from The Muppets

Hamble from Playschool

Zelda from The Terrahawks

Pob

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Ahhh, is there any greater feeling than cuddling up to the woman/man that you love, watching a frightening movie on DVD, then spending the rest of the evening in a cold sweat, convinced that if you fall asleep – even for a second – they will start surgically taking you apart with a razor blade?

This weekend it’s Halloween, which means that a large portion of young people will dress up like dicks, and go around the streets badgering people for sweets, whilst others will go to parties dressed as orcs, and a very small percentage will kill for the first time. If you don’t fit into any of those categories, perhaps you should spend the night in watching one of these six chillers?

(we were going to do 666, but decided that six would just about cover it).

Don’t Look Now, 1973

A couple head off to Venice to get over the death of their drowned daughter, then things start to get really bloody eerie. It features weird premonitions, a woman who looks like a disgusting troll, and Donald Sutherland pleasuring Julie Christie in a very sensual manner. It’s psychological.

The Shining, 1980

Oh jeepers, when those twins appeared in that hallway, we damn near yelped. And how about the sexy naked lady who suddenly morphs into a decrepit old crone. Not to mention the blood in the lifts, and Jack Nicholson’s screen wife, with the face that could make for a two hour horror film if you just filmed her sleeping. Not to be viewed alone in a mansion.

The Vanishing, 1988

There are two versions of this film, one Dutch, the other American, starring Kiefer Sutherland – the second one is a big bag of rubbish. The first, however, is a wonderfully chilling tale of a man attempting to figure out exactly what happened to his lovely girlfriend, who went missing at a petrol station, whilst presumably stocking up on Ginsters pies and a copy of Razzle. Cue strange revelations, and a rather uncomfortable end.

The Wicker Man, 1973

The Equaliser goes to a remote Scottish island, where everyone is a total pagan, which makes him sick to the insides, because he is all about Jesus. Then things get really creepy. Britt Ekland is in it, but even her naked dance can’t quite erase the chilling visions of local people wearing fox heads, rabbit hands and duck beaks, whilst hunting down our hero, who finally goes berserk religious in a big blazing wicker man. The Nicolas Cage version is also scary, but only in that it’s totally shit.

The Haunting, 1963

Possibly the best haunted house film ever, this features a small group of people stupidly going to stay in a massive creepy house to see if anything paranormal might happen. And guess what? It does, everyone gets really freaked out, and because it’s one of those old black and white films, it’s double-scary.

Halloween, 1978

The film that spawned about a million sequels, most of which are dross. But this outing, about a psychopath in a scary mask tormenting and killing people, is genuinely chilling. It also marks the beginning of an upward curve in Jamie Lee Curtis’ movie career, which went on to peak in Trading Places, then suddenly slump to the ground with a thud when she chose to put on an up-the-bum leotard in Perfect, starring John Travolta.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment. Him ace.

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October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various parties and clubs. But of course, some people in society are all bah humbug about Halloween. This time it’s the turn of the Christians to get their Bible in a twist and proclaim that it’s evil. Just like this man, see his rant after the jump.

Referencing a book that is thousands of years old and hasn’t really been modernised since, this man is a bit angry about Halloween. He’s basically against everyone having a good time and celebrating the living dead. Because we like to heal rifts between people, we can offer some suggestions as to how Christians and Halloween lovers can get along this weekend:

1 – Wear a cross. When Jesus died, he was nailed in to a cross. So why not spread the word and love about Christianity by wearing your own gigantic death cross? Obviously we don’t want you hammering nails into your own hands, but a bit of fake blood here will totally give off the effect.

2 – Dress as a zombie Jesus. This bloke seems to think we’re not religious. How wrong he is. At Christmas, we celebrate Santa and at Easter everyone gets chocolate eggs from a cute bunny! Easter also has something to do with Jesus coming back from the dead, which therefore makes him a zombie. Surely if we dress as a zombie Jesus, all Christians will love us.

3 – Get drunk off wine. Jesus turned water into wine and, at parties, lots of grown-ups get wrecked off wine. Therefore the blood of Jesus is kept alive in us and in the morning, the spirit of Christ will be released via vomiting and trips to the toilet.

We’re unsure if our tips will make this man all happy and joyous, but you know, we’ve done our best. However for any trick or treaters visiting his house that night, we think you should probably steer clear. Instead of getting handfuls of sweets, you’ll just get a junior version of the Bible and one hundred reasons on how to escape from Hell.

Next, we’ll attempt to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine. We’re on a roll today.

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It’s fair to say that the new Michael Jackson film This Is It will be the greatest movie in cinema history.

Wait, that needs to be modified. It’ll be the greatest Michael Jackson movie in cinema history. No, that’s still not right. It’ll be the greatest hodge-podge of halfhearted private rehearsal footage of Michael Jackson in cinema history. We’re almost there – it’ll be the greatest hodge-podge of halfhearted private rehearsal footage of Michael Jackson that’s released suspiciously close to Halloween in cinema history. Bingo.

That’s right – Halloween. Never say that Hollywood doesn’t have a sense of humour.

We know it’s a little early, but we think it’s time you started to plan your Halloween weekend. Specifically, what movie you plan to watch. Because you’ve now got the choice of Saw 6 or Michael Jackson’s This Is It. And it’s a tough choice – do you watch a hacky, convoluted, utterly formulaic piece of scary crap about a creepy old man with a toy fetish who delights in torturing those younger than him and clearly isn’t as good as he was a few years ago, or do you watch Saw 6?

Anyway, our point is that Michael Jackson’s new movie This Is It – the movie collated from fragments of his final concert rehearsals – has a release date. And, as you’ve probably guessed, it’s Halloween weekend.

What’s the significance of Halloween? Does it coincide with his birthday? No, that’s in August. Does it mark the anniversary of his first number one single as a solo artist? No, that happened in May 1981. Is it because the sight of a drug-ravaged 50-year-old plastic surgery addict absent-mindedly lurching his way through a number dance routines that he clearly has no interest in while worrying that all the sudden movement will cause his terrifying Munch-esque deathmask of a face to disintegrate naturally lends itself to the concept of Halloween? Well, um, yes.

Or because the Thriller video had a bloody werewolf in it or something. God knows. We prefer our version, though. Anyway, why the sudden rush to get Michael Jackson’s This Is It into the cinemas? The LA Times reports:

Sony Pictures Entertainment received court approval to bring Michael Jackson to the big screen… The court’s authorization, announced Monday in Probate Court by Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff, allows them to edit more than 80 hours of rehearsal and behind-the-scenes footage into a movie.

Oh, we understand – it’s because if they take their time and craft a decent, well-edited movie that will do justice to the memory of Michael Jackson, people won’t be dumbly grief-stricken enough to watch it. It’s better to do a crappy job and get rich, everyone knows that.

So Sony has two months to turn 80 hours of footage into a coherent movie. That’s going to be a tough job, and it’s clear that the editors will face some tough choices – do they show Michael miming his way through a hastily-choreographed performance of Liberian Girl, or do they show him backstage being pumped full of medical grade anaesthetic by an ethically dubious doctor while another assistant sellotapes his nose back on?

Oh, the decisions.

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You would think the movie-going public had something against horny teenage girls.

Why else would slasher movies – which basically revel in killing them off – be so popular? We just can’t get enough of them. Mind you, it’s not only the cheerleader types that usually end up in body bags. There’s the jocks, of course. Then the nerds. Leaving the weird loner types to usually save the day.

We are sure this has some kind of social significance and insight into Western culture, but we are a snarky entertainment site, for God’s sake. We are not here to educate.

No, what we are here to do is make completely random lists. And we cannot think of a better one than the top 26 slasher movies. But what exactly is a slasher movie?

Well, according to Wikipedia, that well-known source of all things accurate, a slasher movie is: ‘a  sub-genre of horror, typically involving a psychopathic killer (usually wearing a mask) who stalks and graphically murders a series of mostly adolescent victims in a typically random, unprovoked fashion, killing many within a single night.’

And that is just about good enough for us. So, enjoy!

26. The Prowler (1981)

The best movie ever about a killer dressed in S&M gear who hates dancers. Or something like that.

25. Stagefright (1987)

Acting can be murder sometimes. Just ask Keanu Reeves.

24. Hatchet (2007)

A recent movie that did not get the hype it deserved. Has some of the most astonishing movie deaths we have ever seen.

23. Psycho (1960)

OK, so it does not involve teenagers in a camp, but it is certainly a slasher movie.

22. Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

Proof kebabs really are bad for you.

21. Last House on The Left (1972)

A classic from horror master Wes Craven. Contains some of the disturbed scenes ever committed to film.

20. Candyman (1992)

Oh, and candy can also be very bad for you too.

19. Pieces (1982)

Grisly little-known horror flick that is worth a look. Just be prepared to feel a little sick.

18. House On Sorority Row (1983)

A group of sorority sisters are stalked and murdered one by one in their sorority house while throwing a party to celebrate their graduation. Nice.

17. Madman (1981)

After being told if not to repeat the name of the local psycho as it would mean he would appear and hack all of you to bits, what would you do?

16. Terror Train (1980)

Forget the rubbish remake, Terror Train is classic horror. A must-see.

15. Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)

14. Black Christmas (1974)

We’ve all had crap Christmases, but it could be worse…

13. Final Destination (2000)

See, making death (or the grim reaper) the baddie, really is not fair.

12. The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

Proof remakes, when done well, really can work.

11. April Fool’s Day (1986)

Some people really take the whole April Fool’s Day thing a little too far.

10. Suspiria (1977)

Horror legend Dario Argento‘s greatest movie.

9. Child’s Play (1988)

We were tempted to put Bride of Chucky in, but stuck with the original.

8. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Buffy, Jennifer Love Hewitt and the fisherman from death – now that really is enough to get you hooked.

7. My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Rated by Quentin Tarantino as the ‘greatest slasher movie of all time’. What does he know about movies?

6. The Burning (1981)

We don’t care what anyone says – this is a brilliant movie. So there.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Really uncomfortable viewing – which is usually a good sign of a decent horror flick.

4. Scream (1996)

Breathed new life into the slasher movie genre.

3. Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 1 (1984)

We just can’t get enough of child murderers.

2. Friday 13th: Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

The best in the series.

1. Halloween (1978)

Simply the best.

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Bruce Springsteen really loves Halloween – he loves it more than songs with the word ‘born’ in the title and he loves it more than muttering about AIDS.

In fact, Bruce Springsteen loves Halloween so much that he’s decided to dress up as the devil and release a brand new vaguely spooky song entitled A Night With The Jersey Devil on his website for free, just because today happens to be Halloween.

It’s a clever move. And it’s prompted other old rockers to follow – next week Rod Stewart will release a song called Bonfire Night (Of My Heart) on his website, followed by Huey Lewis posting a song called I Give Thanks To You, Baby on November 27 and then Elton John releasing Woo, It’s The International Year Of Astronomy! on January 15, just because he couldn’t wait an extra month and do one for Valentine’s Day, the impatient sod.

When Bruce Springsteen likes something, he has to go out of his way to display that love to everyone. For instance, Bruce can’t just be quietly fond of, say, the notion of shagging an old whore up the bum – he has to actually go and write a song about it. There are probably other examples of this, but the whore-bumming is the only one that springs to mind at the moment.

Oh, Halloween, too. Bumming whores and Halloween, they’re the two things that Bruce Springsteen likes enough to write songs about. But only those two things.

We don’t know why Bruce Springsteen likes Halloween so much. It’s probably because both ‘Springsteen’ and ‘Halloween’ end with ‘een’. That also explains Bruce’s other main loves – queens, spleens, teens, screens  and Charlie Sheens.

Anyway, in the Webthump earlier today, we mentioned that Bruce Springsteen wasn’t doing a big Halloween display at his house this year because of fears of overcrowding. That news was probably incredibly disappointing for anyone who a) lives quite close to Bruce Springsteen’s house, b) likes Halloween and c) thinks that standing outside the house of someone richer than them and gawping at plastic cauldrons is an acceptable way to spend an evening.

But Bruce Springsteen doesn’t want to disappoint anyone – not even if they’re as essentially worthless at the people who go and look at all the decorations on his house – and so he’s come up with a clever backup plan. Bruce Springsteen has recorded a special new Halloween song and put it up on his website for free. MTV reports:

It being Halloween and all, the Boss is … offering a new song and video called “A Night With the Jersey Devil.” On his Web site he writes, “Dear Friends and Fans, If you grew up in central or south Jersey, you grew up with the ‘Jersey Devil.’ Here’s a little musical Halloween treat. Have fun! Bruce Springsteen”.

Yeah, nice try Bruce Springsteen, but we can see right through your little plan. ‘A little musical Halloween treat’ indeed. It’s just an excuse not to give children any trick or treat candy isn’t it, you massive tightwad. Well, it’s not going to work, because we can guarantee this exact scenario will be played out at least 50 times tonight:

Kids: “Trick or treat!”

Bruce Springsteen: “What? No. Didn’t you see my website today? My treat to you is the song A Night With The Jersey Devil, which I recorded as a little musical treat.”

Kids: “Yeah, we saw that. To be honest, we thought it was a lazy and somewhat derivative blues standard that you clearly hadn’t put much thought into, accompanied by a video that does little more than reference the fact that you’ve seen the promo to Hurt by Johnny Cash at least once. With that in mind, Mr Springsteen, we’d probably prefer some Haribo.”

Bruce Springsteen: “But… but… the song. I don’t have any Haribo.”

Kids: “It’s a trick, then. Egg him, boys.”

Watch A Night With The Jersey Devil by Bruce Springsteen now.

10 - Woo, dress as any of these spooky things today and you’ll get beaten up – Cracked

9 – Spooky food! SPOOKY! – Designmom

8 - Gifts to deliberately annoy trick or treaters! Spookywoo! - Divinecaroline

7 – Spooky rap songs! Woooo! – About

6 - Make your own werewolf head! WooooOOoo! Spookyyy! - Instructables

5 - Woo, Bruce Springsteen isn’t decorating his house today. Um, spooky? – Huffingtonpost

4 - Saw School Musical. Wooo! Spooky – I Am Bored

3 - Woo, bloodsucking moths! Spoooky! – Nationalgeographic

2 - Woooooo! Sex scene or murder scene quiz! Spoooooooooooky! – Liquidgeneration

1 - And finally, the woo spookiest thing you’ll see all day. May God have mercy on your blackened souls…

With Halloween just around the corner we thought we would get into the spirit. Well, come up with the worst villains in horror movie history at least.

If horror movies have taught us anything, it is that we are all sick bastards. Sorry, we mean it tells us that all like to be scared out of our wits. That’s it. We take absolutely no sick pleasure from teenagers being eaten, cut to pieces or burnt alive – it’s all about the thrill of being frightened.

But, of course, the best horror villains don’t tend to be the ones we are afraid of. They are the ones we actually quite like. Unstoppable serial killers, frazzled up kiddie-fiddlers and maniacal dolls are just some of the anti-heroes idolised by horror fans the world over. We just can’t get enough of them, it seems.

Now, if you wanted to really get scared, we suggest you make movies about global warming, nuclear holocaust or John McCain.

Anyway, enjoy.

28. The Reaper
Film: Jeepers Creepers

The eyes have it.

27. Dr. Carl Hill
Film: Re-Animator

Gave a new meaning to giving head.

26. Blade
Film: Puppetmaster series

This is what happens when good puppets go bad – a psychopathic leader of wooden tops with a knife instead of one hand and a hook for the other. You never had this kind of trouble from Pinocchio. Acting is a
little wooden though.

25. Leprechaun
Films: Leprechaun series

Is there anything more scary than a psychopathic, Irish midget with a God complex? Just look at Bono. Our favourite is Leprechaun In The Hood. Seriously. That really happened. Jennifer Aniston has a lot to answer for.

24. Pennywise The Clown
Film: IT

Ok, so he was a bit of a clown and nowhere near as scary as in the book. But clowns are surprisingly scary. Bloody painted freaks.

23. Hannibal Lector
Films: Silence of the Lambs, Manhunter, Red Dragon and Hannibal

He can do some amazing things in the kitchen. He’s like Gordon Ramsay only slightly nicer.

22. Frankenstein’s monster
Films: Too many to mention

Only Lindsay Lohan has a bigger forehead.

21. The Thing
Film: The Thing

Looks a bit like Chelsea Clinton.

20. Angela
Film: Sleepaway Camp

The most hideous and shocking transformation since Leslie Ash. What happened??

19. Victor Crowley
Film: Hatchet

Would have been higher but for his terrible name and the fact he is basically a Jason copy.

18. The Fisherman
Films: I Know What You Did Last Summer series

Remember to drive carefully – or you could kill someone and  turn them into unstoppable serial killers. We think that is the moral of the tale anyway. Does that sound a bit fishy to you?

17. Richard
Films: Dead Man’s Shoes

There is nothing scarier than someone who is actually quite realistic. If you have never seen this movie, rent it out now!

16. The Candyman
Films: The Candyman series

There’s nothing sweet about The Candyman.

15. Ghostface
Films: Scream series

Worthy of a mention in that it breathed new life into the horror genre, but wouldn’t you just hang up on them?

14. Jack Torrance
Film: The Shining

Here’s Johnny! Nicholson is one scary son of a bitch when he wants to be.

13. Sadako
Film: The Ringu series

Well, she gives us the creeps.

12. Chucky
Films: Child’s Play series

A good reason why you should not play with dolls. Well, that and you’re over 30.

11. Pinhead
Films: Hellraiser series

Of course, not only is Pinhead a scary bastard, he’s also a warning to not mess around with acupuncture.

10. Satan
Films: Too many to mention

Bit of a relegation for Old Nick, but he has been overtaken by upstarts recently and needs to get his game back on track.

9. Norman Bates
Films: Psycho series

Bit of a mummy’s boy, but set the standard for every slasher film since.

8. Bloody great big shark
Film: Jaws

OK, so it was a bit rubbery and you always knew it was coming because of the cellos, but Jaws remains a horror icon.

7. Xenomorphs
Films: Aliens series

Whoever came up with the concept of Alien needs their heads examined. Pretty scary stuff.

6. Leatherface
Film: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Everyone’s favourite deformed, chainsaw-wielding cannibal.

5. Jigsaw
Films: Saw series

Not exactly a barrel of laughs and a bit preachy, but that doll is enough to make even the Hecklerspray team amend its disgusting ways. Well, almost.

4. Dracula
Films: Too many to mention

Would have been higher, but he’s had a bit of a lean period lately. He should get a role he can really get his teeth into.

3. Jason Vorhees
Films: Friday the 13th series

The top three could have appeared in any order, to be honest. Between them, they are the holy trinity of horror. But someone had to be third.

2. Freddy Krueger
Films: A Nightmare on Elm Street series

The funniest child murderer in town.

1. Michael Myers
Films: Halloween series

That mask still gives us the creeps.