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George Lucas

Shia LaBeouf Keeps His Finger, Loses His Shot as New Indy. Rest of the World: Happy at Outcome.

by Ian Dransfield

For once it would appear that there’s some good news about Shia LaBeouf – both with regards to his mangled hand and his movie career. In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, [...]

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George Lucas Talks Indiana Jones 5 Deliberately To Spite You

by Stuart Heritage

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was nobody’s idea of a good film – something that could be said of any movie featuring a man in a fridge in a nuclear explosion.

So the received wisdom would be for George Lucas to just quietly retire Indiana Jones; to let him remain in our minds as the star of one good film, two mediocre films and one really terrible film. But this is George Lucas we’re talking about, so that obviously isn’t going to happen.

In a recent interview with The Times, George Lucas discussed various options for Indiana Jones 5 – a movie that looks certain to be made. Our favourite option? The one where George Lucas takes a knock to the head, forgets what Indiana Jones even is and never makes another film ever again. Please.

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George Lucas: I May Well Make Indiana Jones 5 & I May Well Ruin It Further

by Paul Sorrenti

George Lucas has touched more boys than any other man.

If you happened to have been a boy between 1977 and now then chances are George Lucas has manipulated you in a vulnerable area.

You probably have tapes of the event, graphic reminders of the day Lucas sucked you in. You may find you regularly meet up with similarly touched boys, sharing your life-shattering experiences as some kind of therapy.

What we are alluding to here is that George Lucas is a mass paedophile. No, that’s only a joke suggesting an innocent man is a paedophile, haha, he isn’t; it is of course the hearts and minds of boys that he has manipulated, which is fine, and it seems future generations are in for it too, as George has said he’d like to make Indiana Jones 5 – with Shia Labouef as the lead.

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George Lucas Shoots Storm-Trooper Legal Laser

by Shawn Lindseth

If The Empire Strikes Back had culminated with Luke Skywalker suing in a court of law to get his hand back, then that movie would have been more of a legal drama than a sci-fi fantasy. That’s just something we’ve been thinking about.

The jury could have been made up of those blue guys that play the flute and maybe a cute banana with eyeballs that roll back in his head when he’s hungry or scared. Now picture that banana on a lunch pale. Money. That’s money right there.

We’re 90% sure that’s going to be the premise for the upcoming live action Star Wars TV series. Luke finally gets his hand back in the second season and from then on he stores it safely in a split-open tauntaun. We just ruined the season-one cliff-hanger finale for you. 1000 apologies.

A cliff-hanger we won’t ruin for you is that the guy George Lucas is currently suing some guy for making Storm Trooper armor and selling it without permission – well that guy ends up being George’s father.

Sorry. 1000 apologies.

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George Lucas On His Plans To Wring Even More Cash Out Of You

by Stuart Heritage

People love Star Wars and Indiana Jones so much that George Lucas never has to have another original thought for the rest of his life.

And it’s an offer he’s been keen to exploit. This year George Lucas has a new Indiana Jones movie coming out and a new Star Wars movie coming out, plus he’s got a 100-episode Star Wars TV show in the pipeline. And the time has come for George Lucas to spout off about all of this at once.

In a nutshell, then – George Lucas expects everyone to hate Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, doesn’t really seem too fussed with the new Star Wars movie and has compared the TV show to The Wire. Yay! Possibly.

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Great, Here Comes Another Bloody Star Wars Film

by Stuart Heritage

We’re going to need two helpers – one to tape up George Lucas while we hold him down, and another one to force a snooker ball into his mouth.

We’re not violent people, but it looks like this might be the only way to stop George Lucas from making Star Wars movies. Three years after he promised that Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith would be the last Star Wars film, George Lucas has announced that an animated movie called Star Wars: The Clone Wars will be released in August.

Rubbish, we know – but at least Star Wars: The Clone Wars won’t have Ewan McGregor in it, so you won’t feel the urge to stand up, run down the aisle of the cinema and start smacking at the screens with your fists this time. Oh, who are we kidding, yes you will.

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