Remember when they hung Gary Glitter on Channel 4? That was nice wasn’t it? Alas, for you pitchfork wielders, it was a work of fiction and Glitter is actually alive and well and causing trouble on twitter.

Apparently, the twitter account (not yet verified, so invariably a hoax) says that the disgraced glamster will be making a comeback on the road in 2012. That’s if people don’t storm the building and tear him limb-from-limb.

They’d want to do that after he was convicted of possessing child pornography (sentenced to four months) and then, after release, arrested in Vietnam for committing obscene acts with children (three years in the clink). However, all that’s behind him now.

The tweets read that Glitter will be making his comeback…

“London, Bristol and Birminghm are all semi-confirmed for the tour at the end of the year. I’ll confirm more info as it becomes certain… #GlitterTour will be a v small tour. Planned for 20 days in oct/sept later this year. I’ll post dates/venues when they are confirmed… I am truly touched at the incredible response i’ve had over twitter in the past few hours.Thank you to all my fans.”

And the response HAS been incredible. One look at the @ replies he’s been getting and you’ll be astonished at the levels of hatred he can provoke, simply by existing.

Of course, Chris Brown must be thrilled that Glitter has (possibly) arrived back on the scene because, in comparison, Breezy is a stale sandwich compared to the Leader Of The Gang.

Hitting a woman is pretty bad, but sticking your things in a minor is unspeakably dreadful!

Naturally, Glitter is ‘saying’ that this is all in the past and it is time to move on. Just forget about all that kid-fid stuff if you could and, y’know, pay money to me and I’ll perform my songs.

That’s right. Give money to a convicted paedophile. Jesus wept. Wouldn’t like to be the person who does the PR for that particular comeback.

Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records.

But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him.

However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.

Believe it or not, this is part of a new season of programmes that Channel 4 is due to broadcast. Looking at capital punishment, it’ll examine various situations and ask whether or not it would be practical to bring back hangings and other forms of executions. If so, our place as village idiot has probably been benchmarked.

So what will the programme involve? Sadly, it isn’t won’t be 60 minutes of footage where people call Gary Glitter all the names under the sun and then burn his crappy records. Instead, it’s going to be done in a documentary style, subsequently making stupid people believe it really happened enough to edit his Wikipedia page accordingly.

In a faux-courtroom drama, we’ll get to see all sorts of ropey-looking footage chopped up whilst Gary Glitter pleads for innocence and offers a performance for everyone in the country as a way of forgiveness. So why cover something like this when it’ll no doubt upset everyone? Speaking to the Metro newspaper, head of documentaries and More 4 Hamish Mykura said:

“High-profile crimes against children often prompts calls for the return of the death penalty – this drama confronts the public with what many say they want. Putting a resonant figure like Gary Glitter into a fictional situation helps to engage the viewer as the drama unfolds.”

Interestingly, a Channel 4-commissioned poll showed that 70 per cent of the public think the death penalty should be reintroduced. So no doubt when the documentary is screened, people will be watching their TV with a cup of tea in one hand, and a pick axe in the other. Joyous times.

And after the human edition, we can swiftly move on to the animal version where we get to beat the shit out of seals.

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When will Gary Glitter realise that his punishment isn’t over?

Yes, he served three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting young girls, but when he eventually gets back to Britain – where seemingly everyone in South East Asia is trying to make him go – he’s not going to be able to sit back, relax and record his new album as he said he wants to.

Though we are convinced that being a convicted kiddy fiddler wouldn’t stand in the way of chart success.

But Gary Glitter is making it all rather hard on himself, by refusing to travel back to the UK to face his further punishments. Instead he’s running about like a paedo-Benny Hill from airport to airport around the Asian region he was kicked out of, being turned away from one country then the next as everywhere locks arms with the sole purpose of keeping him out.

Now we’re all for human rights, we can be surprisingly liberal and we believe in equality for all – but we can’t help but find all this delightfully funny. No one likes you Glitter, and no one wants you.

After being released from prison on Tuesday, Glitter was placed on a flight that would connect him back to Britain. On reaching hecklerspray‘s homeland he would be met by police who would – after presumably stopping him from getting lynched by an angry mob, like we’re so good at forming in this country – make the glam-rock-pederast sign the sex offender’s register. His location and movements would then be monitored in a very thought policey way, though he’s a convicted child molester so we can make an exception for that particular Orwellian nightmare.

That was the plan, at least.

Instead, Glitter made sure he missed the connecting flight from Bangkok to Blighty by feigning first a heart attack, then a sudden bout of tinnitus. After waiting in the transit lounge for 24 hours, he accepted the offer of a flight to Hong Kong – probably expecting no one to have heard of him, what with that particular region having no connection whatsoever with Great Britain.

So it must have come as a real shock when he was refused entry to Hong Kong and instead forced to board a flight back to Bangkok, lest he be arrested for illegally being in the country.

If it were anyone else you really might feel a twinge of sympathy for them… oh well.

According to The Sun – a newspaper that once printed a countdown to when an underage popstar would be legal, yet at the same time prides itself on being something of a moral crusader – Gary Glitter said this while on one flight:

“God, am I happy to be leaving Vietnam and that jail. I should never have been in there.”

Though unconfirmed, one report (that we just made up in our head) suggests a response to this was:

“Shut up you fat old paedo, shave that beard off that makes you look MORE like a paedo and stop doing dodgy things with kids. You paedo.”

Unfortunately it would seem that Glitter will have to return to his home nation at some point, and stupid international law dictates that we have to let him in. As Colonel Voravat Amornvivat stated:

“We have to expel him to Britain, his homeland and the only country which must allow him to enter as he’s a national.”

Oh well, at least we know that if he survives the inevitable lynching, the press won’t ever leave him alone. Plus his new album will probably be shit.

Everyone’s favourite gang member, Gary Glitter, is to be released later this month, much to the delight of… seemingly no one.

If you’ve wanted to be in his gang for the last three years, but have been wondering what in the blue hell has been going on – fret not! For Gary Glitter is going to be released from the Vietnamese prison where he has been held since 2005 on child molestation charges.

Mark the August 19 in your diaries, devout fans and potential lynchmobs!

But what’s going to happen to Glitter – real name Paul Francis Gadd – on his release? Will he be able to survive in the real world without the benefits of correctional facility-based hospitals? Or will he mount a very public campaign where he continues to profess his innocence, even when no one cares enough to listen to him? Only time will tell.

Time that is, as well as an edition of People’s Police newspaper from this summer, where gangland Gary said he would continue work on an unfinished album once he was released. Yes, that’s right – Gary Glitter is aiming for chart success, mere years after being incarcerated on charges of child molestation. Some people just have no shame. And it won’t surprise hecklerspray to see that there are still fans of the weird-looking convicted kiddy-fiddler hanging around.

They’ll be the ones with a copy of his new album in one hand and their genitalia in the other, most likely.

Don’t let them in your homes or places of work – they smell quite bad. Plus, ignoring the dodgy aspects of their personalities, they’re also fans of Gary Glitter. Which should, frankly, be illegal itself.

Come August 19 we must unite as one people and keep on a constant lookout for freakish-haired old men with faces slightly like those of a troll skipping through our fair streets.

While we would never condone pre-judging someone or carrying out vigilante-ish justice, it’s probably in the best interests if the people of the world report any sightings of this convicted nonce to the nearest Skinhead Alliance, run by Barry “The Fist” McFist, offering detailed descriptions of his current position, movements and what speed he was travelling. They’ll handle the rest.

While hecklerspray wonders what gang we actually want to be in right now, seeing as we clearly don’t want to be in “my gang,” let’s take in what Chu Xuan Mau, an official from the prison Glitter is currently held, had to say:

“According to Vietnamese law, Glitter will be freed on August 19. The decision on his release will be read before him that day. It will be signed by the director of the prison.”

And, unfortunately, we can’t really argue with him – he holds the keys. Probably. Maybe figuratively more than literally, but you get the point.

Oh well – at least this means we can still legally makes jokes about Gary Glitter being into kids more than he should be. Better than most other celebrities, where we can’t even make half-hearted accusations. Bastards.

You wanna be in his gang? No thanks, Gary Glitter!

Not only may we be lead into one of your paedophile rings, but we may also be appropriated to suffer a shame-induced acute myocardial infarction at a mere 63 years young, just like your randy, goat-bearded self.

In fact, you and your gang can go and take a jump!

That's right folks disgraced former pop star Gary Glitter is recovering in prison hospital after a heart attack scare.

He was moved from his cell after suffering from severe diarrhoea and an irregular heartbeat, and taken to a prisoners clinic in the southern province of Binh Thuan earlier this month. He recovered from intestinal problems about a week later, but was kept in after tests showed his heartbeat was slower than normal.

You may or may not be pleased to hear that his doctor, Dr Hoa, said: 

"He is fine now. Every morning he smiles and says good morning to me when I see him." 

Dr Hoa also said that Glitter was exercising daily – in case you give a shit. Glitter was jailed in 2005 at The Duc prison in Binh Thuan, Vietnam, for molesting two girls with a combined age of 21 and is due for release this August, three months ahead of schedule, because he's been behaving himself. 

That's the spirit, Gary. Keep up the good work and maybe one day we'll consider rejoining your gang. Not!!!!