Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right.

Others think the hardest part about being him is that he’s so fertile he can’t help but impregnate everything he touches – including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie.

That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but it’s in the ballpark.

If any of you ladies have been wondering – Keanu Reeves is probably a terrible father. He doesn’t take his kids to baseball games, doesn’t check their homework, and for Pete’s sake he hasn’t once cleaned up their sick even when he’s the one standing closest to the mop.

But perhaps that’s only true when he’s not actually related to the kids these crazy ladies keep trying to throw onto his family tree. One woman, for instance, claims he is definitely the sperm donor for her four children. It all seems pretty Michael Jackson-ish, actually. Her name is Karen Sala, and although Reeves’ lawyers deny outright that any of these baby-making allegations are true, she swears they are. Here’s an exact quote from the woman:

“He (Reeves) doesn’t stay away, he constantly comes and checks up and everything. It’ll come out. The truth is a strange thing and sometimes no one’s prepared for it… It will come out. You have to have faith.”

Well hang in there, lady. And if it ends up Reeves is legally freed from parental responsibility, well maybe Richard Gere is the father or something. She should probably follow him with a sandwich bag until he spits out some DNA-soaked chewing gum or something.

And if it ends up Reeves really is the father, well that really won’t matter for long. All he’ll have to do is get in a phone booth, travel back in time and successfully convince himself to not bring those bottles of cheap wine and a VHS copy of Point Break over to that extremely fertile lady’s house on at least four distinct occasions.

While he’s back there he might as well tell himself not to make the second two Matrix movies, that film where he fights all those devils, and his past self should definitely be told that flattening people with his Porche will only get him in court.

We’re just saying.

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Slumdog Millionaire was such a hit that everybody associated with it now earns an extra 17 zeros on the end of any paycheck they ever receive. Seriously – everyone’s box office value has increased exponentially.

Also their value in the black market slave trade slightly increased too. That’s why when some potential daughter-buyers recently offered the father of Rubina Ali Qureshi $300,000 for his now somewhat famous daughter, he cut off a lock of Ali’s hair for his wife’s memory book and wished the child well in her new life cruising Nile river-ports.

Or something along those lines.

If you are anything like us, then when you walked out of Slumdog Millionaire with the sound of credits rolling in the background it was with the urgent need to Google all those child actors to see if any of them were being sold into reasonably-priced slavery. After all, it had been absolute months since anything we owned hummed us sad gospel tunes as it washed various things down in the river. Our electronic search ended in nought but disappointment.

Well we must have entered our search terms wrong because we failed to notice that one of those little actors was completely for sale – at least according to News of the World:

“In a bid to escape India’s real-life slums, Rafiq Qureshi put angel-faced darling of the Oscars Rubina up for adoption…Then, almost embarrassed to speak it out loud, he whispered to an accomplice the price tag he has put on his innocent young daughter: “It’s £200,000!”That was an astonishing FOURFOLD increase on his opening demand. But Rafiq’s equally demanding brother Mohiuddin insisted: “The child is special now. This is NOT an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child!”

Upon hearing of the raised price, Madonna stormed right out of the room. Not really. Not yet.

It’s unknown if the actual would-be buyers had any sort of a down payment in mind or a dumb non-famous kid to trade in. What is known though, is that the people on the other end of the nine-year-old girl-purchase were under-cover News of the World reporters who exposed the whole alleged thing. When the father, Rafiq, found out he’d been had, he said this:

“In India you never say ‘no’ directly, least of all to guests. You try not to offend people by refusing to help.”

Really? Well in that case Rafiq, may we please take this over-sized colon we cut out of a decomposing elephant carcass and use it to hog tie your wife just before stuffing her into said elephant tantan style? If you like, we could do it while we’re there for tea. Also, can this guy spend a month with you? He only eats things he brought with him, if you catch our drift, so don’t worry about your severe poverty or anything. Plus if you treat him well enough he might even let you sell his partially-chewed penis tip. That’d probably net you several dozen rupies.

We thought so. You are a businessman, Rafiq – a shrewd one at that. Don’t let those stupid anti-child sellers tell you which of your children you can & can’t hawk into slavery or what-have-you. That’s a decision every man gets to make for himself whenever he feels like it.

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David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it’s fallen out of her. We’re not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest.

Why’s that worse than Bristol Palin’s pregnancy? Simple – Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it’s just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.

Aside being the hilariously effeminate one from, oh who are we kidding, from everything he’s ever starred in, David Spade has been a peripheral member of the Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards divorce clusterfuck for quite some time.

In fact, it’s probably fair to say that until recently David Spade was best known for being the man who Heather Locklear got together with after her divorced husband Richie Sambora ran off with her best friend Denise Richards after she got divorced from Charlie Sheen, but before Heather Locklear went a bit mental and allegedly tried to kill herself. Clear?

Good. Not that it matters now, because now David Spade is most famous for accidentally knocking up a woman spectacularly out of his league and then begrudgingly accepting parental responsibilities once it was born. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Rules of Engagement” star is the father of a girl born to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace last week, his rep has confirmed… The 45-year-old announced in January that he had a “brief relationship” with Grace, Playboy’s Miss March 2005. “If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility.”

It’s so sweet, we think we might cry. All children should remember the day that their father reluctantly gave a conditional acceptance of responsibility statement that implied that the kid might not be his because its mother always seemed like a bit of a whore. We know we do!

There aren’t any details of the David Spade baby – no name, no location. However, it shouldn’t be too hard to track the kid down, because Jillian Grace looks quite a lot like David Spade – which, by the way, is quite creepy in itself – so we’re the guessing the baby is all blonde and underdeveloped and whatnot. There can’t be too many of those around, can there?

David Spade hasn’t seen his baby yet, but he hopes to when there’s a gap in his sitcom schedule. Which might sound callous of him, but don’t forget that this is David Spade we’re talking about – most of his sitcoms only last for a handful of episodes anyway, so he’ll probably get to visit before the week is out.

It sprang forth from its mother’s womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table – and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother’s colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma’s smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like.

You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It’s unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that’s why Clay Aiken’s baby wanted out so bad – and it did!

That’s right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody’s freshly stretched woo-woo, he’s here to stay.

Clay Aiken had a baby. We knew this day would come. Thus far reactions from most Aiken-friends have been Simon Cowell saying the kid squeals like an unpleasant pig, Randy Jackson stating he really likes the groove the tot seems able to establish, and Paula Abdul verbally wondering what wine would taste like when sipped out of the child’s hollowed skull.

Also Rubin Studdard said he’d really like the baby to not keep hugging him all the time on-camera during finales for various music competitions.

None of that was true.

What is true though is that the baby seems to think the outside world is just so much roomier than the petrie dish he was conceived in. To this we say ‘Duh, Einstein.’

Aiken says of his child’s bloody arrival:

“I’m sure you know…I hate putting the cart before the horse. Not my way to tempt fate. But I wanted to stop by, if only for a second, so you could be the first folks I tell…HE’S HERE! Parker was born at a hospital in North Carolina just this morning at 8:08 a.m. Wow…8:08…08/08/08.”

The child weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces, and was over two hundred meters long.

This all reminds hecklerspray of the first time we had a baby. It was so exciting. First we saw the head, then we saw an arm, and then we saw our first wife’s toothy vagina start trying to re-swallow junior. Well needless to say we weren’t having it. After three elbows to Deborah’s abdominal region she relinquished the child, and was immediately sucked back to hell through a black-wormy tunnel that opened up where her drip was supposed to be.

And don’t worry about Junior – he’s fine. He spends all day under the stairs playfully reciting chants in Latin, Greek & some language that sounds an awful lot like live cats being split open by an angry, disgruntled butcher.

We think it’s French.

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

As this is Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex, we’re quickly realising that not much can surprise us any more. Lindsay Lohan’s had sex with the entire male population of an Italian island, she’s had sex with someone’s pecker on camera and now, if you believe what you read, she’s now busy having sex with a woman. Next will be feral woodland creatures, you mark our word, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

The woman who Lindsay Lohan is rumoured to be having sex with is Samantha Ronson and, to the casual observer, it looks like love. Lindsay Lohan loves Samantha Ronson enough to shriek at whichever Olsen twin happens to be nearest to her and to apparently get engaged to her.

But what do we know? It’s not like we’re Lindsay Lohan’s dad or anything. Lindsay Lohan’s dad knows everything that goes on in the Lohan family, except for what happened to it that time he went to prison for crashing his car drunk and trying to attack a man with his shoe. And prior to that when he was such an irresponsible parent that one of his daughters emailed the media to declare what a bastard he was.

But Michael Lohan knows everything else about the Lohans. OK, Michael Lohan knows that Dina Lohan’s reality TV show is crummy and that Lindsay used to be addicted to OxyContin and that’s about the extent of his knowledge.

However, when someone from Us Weekly recently asked him whether Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian or not, this shameful lack of family knowledge didn’t stop Michael from blurting out that her relationship with Ronson:

“is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Great! Lindsay Lohan’s officially a lesbian. Except that, no, now Michael Lohan’s saying everything was taken out of context and that Lindsay Lohan definitely isn’t a lesbian. Unless she is, in which case he’s totally OK with it. The New York Daily News reports:

Michael Lohan said he had not seen any photos of his daughter and Ronson nuzzling necks in France recently. Nor would it matter to him if his daughter were gay. “Lindsay’s life choices are up to her,” he said. “I don’t get involved in my daughter’s personal life. They’re friends, they’re always together. I hug my friends, does that make me a homosexual? Of course not.”

Poor old Michael Lohan. Trying to make out like he’s got the first clue about what his daughter’s up to when he clearly hasn’t. We hope for Michael’s sake that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian, because it might mean that he’ll be torn between his daughter and his new-found hardline faith.

And that’s just unfair – nothing should come between a father and his daughter. Nothing. Unless the father goes jail because he tried to beat a man up with a shoe, obviously. But that’s it.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ home, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospice was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

Mitch is convinced that sectioning Amy is the only way to save her from killing herself. He said:

“I want her sectioned. The situation is getting out of control. I want her off the street.”

Should they ask her to go to rehab? Mitch say:

“I don’t think being somewhere for six weeks is going to cure her problems. I think it needs far more radical measures. We will take the bull by the horns and deal with it.”

Come on Mitch – we know she isn’t the prettiest girl, but her own father comparing her to a bull? That’s a tad harsh. He furthered a lot more:

“I’ve been on the phone to Amy’s manager in Los Angeles and he’s starting things rolling. They are going to be speaking to doctors, psychologists and everything else. I want Amy to be somewhere where she will be safe and where no harm can come to her. Obviously, as her dad, I will try and do what’s best for her. Unfortunately, what I think is best for Amy and what she thinks is best for her are two different things…and it might be that other parties might need to be involved…You need all four – the psychologists, the doctor, the local health authority and the next of kin – all to decide that somebody is sectionable. Now is the time to exert whatever pressure we have to try to do it. I’ve told them she is a danger to herself. There is evidence of self-harming and she’s a danger to other people because she’s attacked someone.”

Amy was released with a caution from Holborn police station yesterday morning for hitting Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi after he refused to give way to her at a pool table. Mustapha said:

“I feel so angry. She smashed my face hard.”

Poor Mustapha; now he knows what a Joe Calzaghe opponent must feel like.

Then, after proceeding to play the game of pool – as poor victim Mustapha was legging it to the first policeman or journalist he could find – she allegedly head-butted a good samaritan trying to hail her a cab because – so it turns out – she thought he was trying to molest her.

Trying to molest her? What fucked-up method of taxi-hailing was he using? Maybe Amy felt the constant jerking of his thumb in an upwards movement was actually a mimed-innuendo of what he planned to do with her?

We can’t be sure as of yet if it is Amy exactly, but there is certainly some level of traditional-style mentalness going on here.

Read More – Lock Up My Amy – NOTW

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

You bring a newly-cremated loved one home and open up the urn, only to have some of the ashes spew onto the table. Dang it all. Now you have to go to the trouble of carefully sweeping the ashy vestiges of your great granny back in there using your pinky. Unless you’re Keith Richards. If you’re Keith Richards you daub up those ashes on your pinky and stick it up your nose hole and snort like you’ve never snorted before.

For reals this time, guys. This time he says he really did it for reals.

About a year ago, Keith Richards, aging/old/defying-the-laws-of-drug-usage-to-still-alive rocker from The Rolling Stones, revealed in an interview with NME that he mixed up a little delightful blow comprised of cocaine and some of his daddy Bert’s ashes and had himself a lovely snort. Despite the fact that there really is not a whole lot Keith Richards can do to shock even an ardently religious woman who teaches Sunday school and showers fully clothed, the whole dad-snorting thing was a bit shocking.

It was also a bit false. Right after the disgusting twistedness of somebody ingesting another human being – other than for purely cannibalistic purposes, which we fully support – was revealed, Keith Richards said the whole thing was just a bit of tomfoolery:

“The truth of the matter is that I planted a sturdy English Oak. I took the lid off the box of ashes, and he is now growing oak trees and would love me for it!!!”

Okay, okay, but NOW Keith Richards is saying he really DID do it. In addition to the long list of non-drugs he’s likely sniffed – baking powder, gardenia scented body talc, detergent, Pixie Stix, golf balls (unsuccessfully) – Keith Richards says he did take a snort of Bertie-boy, just not with cocaine. Look here at what he told Blender magazine:

“I looked at my dad’s ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? “Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me [sic] finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me [sic] hooter. The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I’m sure he’s still blessing me.”

Hear that? One man’s hooter is another man’s nostril. Good thing the Hooters restaurant chain wasn’t started by Keith Richards. It would have quite a different image, now wouldn’t it.

But, hey, Keith Richards snorting weird stuff isn’t always negative. There was that one time we heard he tried to snort Mick Jagger. It caused quite a rift amongst the band for a while, but ended up leading to one of their most influential songs in music history, (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction from Snorting Mick Jagger. Thus, we fully support whatever Keith Richards wants to snort for the sake of the music.

Except for drugs. Drugs are bad. Stay in school.

Read more:

Keith Richards: I DID Snort My Dad’s Ashes - Huffington Post

Oh, alright, then. You got us. We don't wonder about that at all. What we do often question, though, is a dilemma along similar lines: when the father of ex-Atomic Kitten 'singer' Kerry Katona heard that he had sired a daughter, did he in any way suspect that she would grow up to be a despicable, Lambrini-for-brains halfwit who would gladly drink a pint of diarrhoea if it guaranteed her ten minutes of televisual exposure?

We may well find out soon. Bus driver John Dowd has announced to the world that he believes himself to be Kerry's daddy. Apparently – much like a self-imposed Nuremberg trial – he's all too willing to come forward and take responsibility for the results. The horrible, horrible results.

Kerry Katona herself is more than happy for Dowd to prove this via a DNA test – yet, in typically self-promoting fashion, she's announced that she wants the procedure filmed and broadcast on her MTV reality show Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love.

Not that this is surprising in any way. Quite unlike anyone else on the planet, Katona seems determined to document every single moment of her life via the medium of lowest-common-denominator trash TV. In fact, hecklerspray confidentially expects ITV2 to snap up Katona: The Sleep Diaries, a live nightly show in a which a team of cameramen stand around Kerry's bed and film her snoozing. Oh – and probably occasionally stirring to mumble something like "Can I have more money, please, I'll do anything," or "The baby's kicking, maybe a spliff will calm it down."

John Dowd is unhappy with the idea, though. He's been approached by the production company behind Katona's show, and claims that:

"It's like blackmail, it's unbelievable. They're basically saying, 'If you don't do it on TV, then she won't do it.'"

Maybe, Johnny-boy, that's exactly the way it should be. Face it: if you find out that you are Kerry's father, it's all too likely that you'll suddenly suffer a horrific pang of guilt while driving the 243 across town, and swerve head-on towards the nearest petrol station screaming "I'm so, so sorry for foisting that troglodyte wench upon the world" before a blissful explosion firebombs the nightmare away.

Would you want to put your passengers at risk like that, John? Would you?

Read More: 

Kerry Katona wants 'Dad' to take DNA test on TV show – Now

And that voice of dissent happens to come from Lindsay Lohan's Dad. Michael Lohan is steadfastly refusing to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan spread out of a sense of vague disgust, you see.

Not disgust that his daughter has become nothing more than a cheap sexual commodity, though – Michael Lohan is annoyed that Lindsay Lohan's naked photoshoot has stepped on the toes of his own naked photoshoot; the forthcoming Michael Lohan Presents Anna Nicole Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye for Total Sudoku magazine.

The statistics surrounding New York magazine's naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot this week are simply phenomenal. Demand to see what Lindsay Lohan's hooters look like was so high that the New York website crashed. The lack of self-awareness displayed when Lindsay Lohan complained about the pitfalls of the entertainment industry from the front cover of a magazine with her tits out exploded up to 12 supercomputers running complicated logic programs. And it probably turned quite a lot of young men gay, too.

Despite this, allies of the Lindsay Lohan naked photoshoot have been vociferous in their support of Lindsay Lohan's slow slide into grubby erotic thriller-based semi-obscurity. Even Lindsay Lohan's mother loves staring at her naked daughter enough to tell the world about it. As far as Dina Lohan is concerned naked Lindsay is art, not porn.

However, Lindsay Lohan's father Michael Lohan – probably best-known for regularly listing all the drugs that Lindsay Lohan is hooked on – doesn't care if it's art or porn – he just doesn't want to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot in case it gives him a funny feeling in his stomach. Or something. Stuff reports:

Michael Lohan is determined not to see the pictures of 21-year-old Lindsay in the new issue of New York magazine, but accepts it was "her decision" to agree to the shoot. He said: "I'm not going to look at the photos – that's my daughter! But Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career. It's her decision." However, Michael did recognise that being asked to recreate Bert Stern's famous 'Last Sitting' photos of Marilyn was a huge honour for Lindsay… "The fact that the photographer Bert Stern who did Marilyn Monroe's pictures would ask Lindsay to re-create them – that's an amazing thing."

To some degree, Michael Lohan does have a point – as much of an honour as it is for Bert Stern to ask his daughter to recreate such iconic photographs, the naked Lindsay Lohan spread does represent the point in Lindsay's career where she's become so desperate to claw back some of her early success that she's prepared to debase herself in public in such an ultimately tragic way.

Plus Michael Lohan is probably just bummed that Scarlett Johansson didn't do the naked photoshoot. Her tits are way nicer.

Read more:

Lohan's dad won't look at nude Monroe pics - Stuff 

That's because Jennifer Lopez isn't just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez's impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let's not forget that the Spanish word for 'twins' and the Spanish word for 'underwhelming singing voice' are very similar, so there's a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez's performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

Today might just be the most depressing day in the history of hecklerspray. Look along the 'recent posts' list there in the sidebar – two deaths, one genocide, imprisonment, deliberate drug-taking, accidental drug-taking, mental illness and Chantelle Houghton. Could it get any worse? Where are all the lovely stories about happy things?

Well how about this – Jennifer Lopez is pregnant with twins! Yes, that is a happy story, actually. Be happy. Happier. BE HAPPIER! That's better.

Although Jennifer Lopez has been secretive to the point of dementia about her pregnancy – only revealing that she was pregnant at all three months after most people assumed that she was either pregnant or the host of some gargantuan ovarian cyst – those around her haven't been quite as good at keeping schtum.

First Jennifer Lopez's costume designer blabbed about her pregnancy long before it was officially announced. And now Jennifer Lopez's own father has decided to reveal to a Spanish-language TV show exactly how many unborn babies she's got wedged up her chuff. MSNBC reports:

"Yes, twins,” he told the Spanish language TV show, People reported. “The thing is in my family, my sister also had twins, so it's a hereditary thing," he said. And he already has gifts for the impending arrivals. "In Puerto Rico it's custom to buy an azabache [jet black, stone] bracelet for babies to protect them from the evil eye, it's part of our culture," he said.

Of course, Jennifer Lopez giving birth to twins is only half the story – it'll be when Angelina Jolie also gives birth to her twins that things really get interesting. Because then the Lopez-Jolie Twin-Off To The Death can start. It won't be pretty – in fact it'll be downright harrowing – but the important target demographic of people who enjoy watching babies beat other babies to death has been silenced for too long to not make it happen.

Anyway. Although Jennifer Lopez might be harbouring feelings of anger towards her father for revealing that she's pregnant with twins against her will, she really shouldn't be. That's because Jennifer Lopez is due any day now, so David Lopez only spoiled the surprise by a handful of hours at best.

And what a proud moment that birth will be, as Jennifer Lopez experiences the jumble of extreme emotions that only a new mother can know – the thrill of creating life, the fear that something might happen to them and the sadness that she'll no longer have two big baby-sized lumps jutting out of her belly to counterbalance the hilarious size of her gigantic bottom. It'll be a rollercoaster, make no mistake of that.

Read more:

Jennifer Lopez is Having Twins - Access Hollywood 

Not so much now, though, because if Britney Spears is going to be tied to a bed with leather straps, it's because Britney's bipolar disorder has got so out of hand that she's a danger to herself and others.

It's been confirmed that Britney Spears will spend the next two weeks in her padded room at the UCLA Medical Centre. And as well as the leather restraints, there's also a chance that Britney Spears could be force-fed medication if she's not cooperative. It's just like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, only a version that everyone got sick of about two minutes in after seeing Jack Nicholson get out of a car with no knickers on for the tenth time.

As is the case every couple of days now, Britney Spears' life has hit a brand-new low. After a week that saw her get called mentally ill on TV, have a fight with her manager in public, get hauled off to hospital on a psychiatrist's orders and then get officially diagnosed as Gravely Disabled, the inevitable has happened.  

Paperwork has been signed to keep Britney Spears in the Stewart & Lynda Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA for another 14 days. Initially Britney was only due to spend 72 hours under medical care, but her stay has been elongated under a 5250 order because of the threat that Britney Spears apparently poses to herself and others.

And, as People reports, it's not going to be a particularly pretty stay:

"It is a terrible situation," says a source close to the Spears family. "Britney is in a padded room. Her family is so worried about her." Terry K. Wasserman, a veteran L.A. attorney specializing in mental health cases (who’s not involved in the Spears matter), explains that if a patient becomes combative, he or she "could be placed in a 'quiet room,' some of which are padded." Wasserman adds: "Another possibility is being confined to a bed by leather restraints. In extreme, life-threatening situations – when the patient is a threat to oneself or medical staff – a psychiatrist can inject a person with psychotropic medication."

It's thought that Britney Spears is attempting to get the order overturned legally, but let's just assume that Britney Spears is going to stay in hospital for a fortnight. Hopefully this time alone will mean that the storm that constantly thunders around her will die down and she'll have a proper chance for reflection. Not only that, but it'll mean that we all get a break from hearing about Britney every five or six seconds too – and that's perfect, right? 

Wrong! Because even though Britney Spears might be locked away in a padded room, her affairs continue to be as heroically screwed up as ever. For example, Britney Spears' father Jamie has been named as co-conservator of her estate, but Britney isn't happy about that because she reportedly 'feels hatred' towards him, and has sent her lawyers to court today to try and overturn the ruling.

And if that's not enough, there's also another custody hearing today to deal with. And maybe, just maybe, Britney Spears could be getting her kids back. Sure, she's medically disabled and under lock and key in a padded room at a psychiatric hospital, but let's not forget that the other alternative is for the kids to stay with Kevin Federline some more. That's Kevin Federline.

Read more: 

Britney Spears Now Under 14-Day Hold - People 

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It's unknown what effect Chris Noth's new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker's hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

Now we're not saying it's a quiet news day, but we are reporting on the fact that a minor character in a show that hasn't been on TV for four years has just had a baby. Fill in the gaps for yourself.

Anyway, that minor character is Sex And The City's Mr Big, Chris 'no, not North. Noth' Noth. Chris Noth and his longterm girlfriend Tara Wilson welcomed their new baby Orion Christopher Noth into the world on Friday night. Noth's rep confirmed the birth in the following statement:

"I am happy to confirm that Chris Noth and Tara Wilson are the proud parents of a happy and healthy baby boy. Chris and Tara are thrilled and all are doing well."

We know – Chris Noth has a rep. That's the weirdest thing we ever heard. 

But still, Chris Noth's new fatherhood was news to us, but why? Why didn't we know that such an esteemed peripheral character in an old TV show had a baby on the way? Well, we've narrowed it down to a few simple reasons.

1) As a man, Chris Noth didn't have the opportunity to coat himself in half a foot of bronzer and then slap his naked pregnant belly out for an upscale glossy ladies' mag like so many other people do.

2) It's more important that we focus on Chris Noth's career, like that Sex And The City film he's bound to turn up in, and

3) Nobody has even thought about Chris Noth for about three years, including members of his own immediate family and the girlfriend he got pregnant.

Read more:

This Just In! Mr. Big Is Now Mr. Big Daddy – E! Online 

When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened – but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We're just saying.

Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can't totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars.

But aside from that we know exactly what the man's going through.  

In a 2006 issue of a magazine called Sister 2 Sister, DMX and his wife generously granted an interview wherein the topic of a woman who'd fairly recently given birth to his child came up. To this, the rapper gave this tremendous quote:

"She raped me… That might sound like some bullshit, [but] is that the only thing in the world that's not possible? Because when I sleep, my [penis] be out… DNA says it is [my child]. I don't know… If I did [have sex with her], I would remember. It ain't like she's a pretty girl."

When asked by hecklerspray why he wouldn't use his powers to metamorph into a dog and get the heck out of there, no answer was given. DMX's wife did comment on the matter though. She said:

"I felt like [the trial] did bring us closer."

Whether the couple's new closeness happened before or after the judge ruling over a lawsuit by the accused DMX sleep-rape woman decided that DMX had to pay his alleged assailant a little more than $1.5 million is unknown.

What is known is that the hip-hopper is very concerned about his dogs.

Read More:

DMX Ordered To Pay $1.5 Million In Damages To Son's Mother – MTV News