When Brittany Murphy died, everyone just assumed that she’d gone overboard on the ol’ drugs. That’s what famous young people do, right? They hammer it too much and their famous hearts just give up.

Alas, it would appear that Brittany died of Community-Acquired Pneumonia and Iron Deficiency Anemia.

And now, oddly, Brittany Murphy’s dad, Angelo Bertolotti, isn’t happy about the result and is suing the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office because he’d like to do his own tests. What was he hoping for? Something more decadent or glamorous?

Angelo wants access to his late daughter’s hair samples so he can conduct his own testing after disagreeing with the official cause of her death.

Radar Online report that Angelo states in court documents:

“Plaintiff discussed the findings in the Autopsy Report which attributed his daughter’s death to Community-Acquired Pneumonia and Iron Deficiency Anemia. Plaintiff repeatedly voiced his concerns about these findings as being incorrect, since the testing/toxicology was incomplete and the death of Brittany Anne Murphy Monjak was never fully investigated”.

Of course, the whole story that surrounds this is pretty grim.

Brittany died around Christmas some years ago and then, to make matters grimmer, her husband Simon died too, after her mum, Sharon, found him unresponsive.

Simon also died from Pneumonia and Anemia.

Now, Angelo now wants a judge to order the LA County coroner to help him in his case to carry out further testing… presumably with an independent scientist, rather than some home science kit he’s got from the catalogue.

STOP THE PRESSES! The Bieber baby drama may not be quite as dead as we all thought.

Jeffrey Leving, the lawyer representing Bieber’s baby momma, Mariah Yeater, has come out and said that the DNA test is still on! Meaning there’s still a chance that Justin really was bustin’ to get freaky with the single mother.

So forget everything we said yesterday, IT’S BACK ON BITCHES!

Leving stated in an interview that:

“I did not step down and there is a legal team. It’s a new legal team… negotiations are going on right now with Bieber’s council and we’re trying to negotiate a private, secure DNA test with the same safe guards that would exist if there were a court order, but without a court order.”

Which, if true, means that Bieber and his allegedly wandering willy may well still face the needle, in order to determine whether or not he did actually eff young Mariah’s brains out on that warm October night in L.A.

If it transpires that Bieber is indeed the father of Mariah Yeater’s baby, it will be the first time in human history that a father has turned out to be younger than his own biological child.

Rather annoyingly, Leving stated that his goal is to keep everything confidential, meaning we may never actually find out the truth about the Bieber baby, baby, baby.

Justin is still denying any and all responsibility for what fell out of Yeater’s chuff and is adamant that the DNA test will conclusively prove that he isn’t the father.

Apparently the current defence of, “his balls haven’t dropped yet,” doesn’t cut it in court anymore

Anyway, we all know the greater likelihood is that the father of the little bastard (the baby that is, not Bieber) is Frankie Cocozza.

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Oprah Winfrey has been shooting her mouth off saying that she’s going to get OJ Simpson to confess to his dirty murder on her television show, but alas, someone has already beaten her to it.

That source is the Daily Mail. And the National Enquirer. They never tell lies do they? They would’ve been told-off by someone official if so. This means we can take their words and reprint them as gospel.

So yeah, the words ‘I killed Nicole’ have been uttered by OJ ‘Glove Problems’ Simpson, which is nice. Is someone going to arrest him again… or something? We don’t know the protocol and can’t be bothered to find out. Simpson hasn’t just confessed, he’s allegedly spoken about how he did it. Step right this way gore fans!

According to the Mail, Simpson has already told Oprah that he knifed his wife to death in self defence. Of course, Oprah isn’t saying not saying a peep as she’d prefer to talk about it when she’s got some ratings at stake.

Of course, Simpson is already in prison, serving a nine year sentence for a robbery and kidnapping, but he was famously acquitted of murdering his wife and her chum Ronald Goldman even though it totally looked like he’d done it.

So step forward the National Enquirer, purveyors of undiluted truth and wisdom! They say that the former pro-ball chucker has been in contact with Oprah for the past year, ‘fessing all, saying:

“Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defence. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself”

“OJ said he went home and kept getting angrier and angrier and worked himself into an absolute rage”

Apparently, Simpson said that he…

“didn’t like the way she treated me in front of the kids at the restaurant. I didn’t like that she was routinely having guys have sex with her at her condo with the kids there.

He then obviously definitely said:

“I went over there to give her a piece of my mind. She was yelling go away! Go away! And waving the knife around at me. At one point she was lunging at me with the knife and I was just trying to talk to her. Nicole stepped out of the apartment – slashing the knife in the air”

“I was in such a rage that something just snapped. I couldn’t take her constant taunting of me with other men or her using drugs and drinking while my kids were living with her. I went beserk.

‘“Before I knew what I was doing I took the knife away from Nicole and started slashing at her. I cut her over and over again until she was lifeless. I was shocked at my own anger – I had killed the woman I had loved for so long…”

Then then presumably knifed Ron Goldman in self-defence and would’ve stabbed the crap out of anyone else within a mile radius, in self-defence before going on the world’s most famous, and slow copchase ever.

So there you have it. Close the casebooks. Everything has been worked out by Oprah, a right wing British newspaper and a comic.

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Everyone think OJ Simpson committed those murders right, despite the fact he never got collared for it. Even the gloves that didn’t fit his American Football playing hands are under the impression he’s guilty.

Even an adult actress, who performed under the name ‘Devon Shire’ (you should see her cream custard) thinks he did it. Even OJ himself isn’t sure, once saying: ‘Let’s say I committed this crime… even if I did this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?”

Oprah Winfrey is under the impression OJ is a killer, saying that she wants to get him to confess to it while being interviewed by her. That would be something wouldn’t it? Oprah getting the goods the police force never could? Well, she did inadvertently make Tom Cruise jump around on a sofa like a man-possessed.

Now Oprah has gone electric (aka, gone off on her own network, called OWN confusingly), she’s started dreaming big. And what would her dream interview be?

She wants O.J. Simpson to sit before her and say that he killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson. Not asking for much, eh?

Oprah says:

“I have a dream of O.J. Simpson confessing to me”

“And I am going to make that happen, people. I don’t just want the interview. I want the interview on the condition that you are ready, Mr. Simpson”

So why would OJ Simpson want to talk to Oprah, let alone confess that he was a massive murderer on television?

Bizarrely, she cited a photo she saw recently of herself as a baby growing up in poverty in Mississippi.

“The fact that that baby girl from a shotgun house in Mississippi can get to the OWN network means that the OJ Simpson interview is possible”

The American dream, eh? You can be anything you want in the land of milk and guns made from honey. You can rise to the top and force a confession out of a man who, if suspicions are correct, likes killing people. WAIT! That would make great television! OJ confesses before garotting Oprah Winfrey, with an audience of 80 million people!

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Plan B may have “conquered soul music” (AAARRRRGH) and is now planning to conquer reggae with his new LP (AAAAARGH! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!), but he hasn’t always been the post-millennia answer to Brian Harvey.

No, once upon a time, he was scrotey drug dealer who thought it was okay to stab people.

Not our words folks, rather, Plan B, a man who has a career solely because Amy Winehouse failed to make a follow-up record to ‘Back To Black’.

Originally, Plan B was just another R’n'B singer, pulling off Lee Ryan warbles and passing himself off as a mini Wu affiliate. Which means that he dealt drugs a bit before his music career took off. This, naturally, means that he’s ‘keeping it real’. Not like those posh kids Adele and Jessie J who went to Brit School.

Talking to a newspaper you haven’t read, the crooner said that he dealt weed before he recorded his awful ‘Who Needs Actions When You Got Words’ album.

He also talked about stabbing people. Not actually stabbing people, just talking about stabbing people.

“I already knew I wanted to do music but I had this other side to me that said if anyone fucks with me it’s OK to go and stab them.

“I did something illegal because I was on the dole. I didn’t sell hard drugs. I just sold spliff and I feel the same way about that as I did then. I think a bit of weed is fine and it is no different to alcohol.”

Of course, we can attribute this ‘troubled’ view on the world down to the fact he came from a broken home, mainly because it slots neatly into everyone’s preconceived notions of those who grew up in a ‘broken home’ and create hip-hop.

Talking about his dad who walked out on him (presumably after hearing the youngster singing), he said:

“He denies everything – all our memories of him, anything negative. He said it’s just distorted versions of the truth my mother implanted in my head.

“I’m a grown man and the guy was coming to my house talking to me like I was six years old, telling me not to swear. I’m like, ‘You’re lucky I didn’t smash your fucking face in’.

“He wasn’t in my life and it was his decision. Now he’s not in my life and it’s my decision. Finally, I got what I wanted – closure.”

And we’ll be getting closure on Plan in the year 2012, when we see his reggae album in the bargain bin at the local record shop.

(That ‘She Said’ was kinda catchy though wasn’t it?)

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Oprah Winfrey has, seemingly, existed forever. She’s like a TV Mumm-Ra or something. And of course, most of her career has comprised of solemnly nodding at guests and talking about her fluctuating weight.

Good gig if you can get it.

However, Oprah also like a good ol’ overshare. She’s spoken rather candidly about the sexual abuse she endured, a teenage pregnancy and lately, pushing aside rumours that she’s a lesbian. That said, she’s got one big secret left up her sleeve and she wants to tell us all about it.

Oprah says:

“I was given some news that literally shook me to my core. This time, I’m the one being reunited. I was keeping a family secret for months, and on Monday you’re going to hear it straight from me.”

So, we’re getting a reunion are we? So who the shit is it?

Well, in 2010, someone called Kitty Kelly released an unauthorized biography about Oprah and the book claimed to know the identity of Winfrey’s biological father. As Oprah likes a big story, especially if it is about herself.

The book didn’t mention any names and refused to do so until Winfrey’s mother, Venita Lee, tells her daughter herself. Lee has refused to do this since forever.

It’s looking pretty likely that she’ll be waltzing her father on-stage and everyone will go nutso when she does. A well played ratings smash for Oprah, again.

Sadly for Oprah, we’re ready to blow the lid on this one and announce who Oprah’s biological father is.

Are you ready? Ready for disappointment?

Oprah Winfrey’s father is non-other that [hecklerspray's lawyers would like to intervene here and note that, should any clues be given away in this article, Oprah Winfrey will send her robots - known as 'The Killing Machines' - round to the 'spray bedsit and they will kick each writer 'til our genitals are the colour purple]

Damn.

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Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right.

Others think the hardest part about being him is that he’s so fertile he can’t help but impregnate everything he touches – including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie.

That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but it’s in the ballpark.

If any of you ladies have been wondering – Keanu Reeves is probably a terrible father. He doesn’t take his kids to baseball games, doesn’t check their homework, and for Pete’s sake he hasn’t once cleaned up their sick even when he’s the one standing closest to the mop.

But perhaps that’s only true when he’s not actually related to the kids these crazy ladies keep trying to throw onto his family tree. One woman, for instance, claims he is definitely the sperm donor for her four children. It all seems pretty Michael Jackson-ish, actually. Her name is Karen Sala, and although Reeves’ lawyers deny outright that any of these baby-making allegations are true, she swears they are. Here’s an exact quote from the woman:

“He (Reeves) doesn’t stay away, he constantly comes and checks up and everything. It’ll come out. The truth is a strange thing and sometimes no one’s prepared for it… It will come out. You have to have faith.”

Well hang in there, lady. And if it ends up Reeves is legally freed from parental responsibility, well maybe Richard Gere is the father or something. She should probably follow him with a sandwich bag until he spits out some DNA-soaked chewing gum or something.

And if it ends up Reeves really is the father, well that really won’t matter for long. All he’ll have to do is get in a phone booth, travel back in time and successfully convince himself to not bring those bottles of cheap wine and a VHS copy of Point Break over to that extremely fertile lady’s house on at least four distinct occasions.

While he’s back there he might as well tell himself not to make the second two Matrix movies, that film where he fights all those devils, and his past self should definitely be told that flattening people with his Porche will only get him in court.

We’re just saying.

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Slumdog Millionaire was such a hit that everybody associated with it now earns an extra 17 zeros on the end of any paycheck they ever receive. Seriously – everyone’s box office value has increased exponentially.

Also their value in the black market slave trade slightly increased too. That’s why when some potential daughter-buyers recently offered the father of Rubina Ali Qureshi $300,000 for his now somewhat famous daughter, he cut off a lock of Ali’s hair for his wife’s memory book and wished the child well in her new life cruising Nile river-ports.

Or something along those lines.

If you are anything like us, then when you walked out of Slumdog Millionaire with the sound of credits rolling in the background it was with the urgent need to Google all those child actors to see if any of them were being sold into reasonably-priced slavery. After all, it had been absolute months since anything we owned hummed us sad gospel tunes as it washed various things down in the river. Our electronic search ended in nought but disappointment.

Well we must have entered our search terms wrong because we failed to notice that one of those little actors was completely for sale – at least according to News of the World:

“In a bid to escape India’s real-life slums, Rafiq Qureshi put angel-faced darling of the Oscars Rubina up for adoption…Then, almost embarrassed to speak it out loud, he whispered to an accomplice the price tag he has put on his innocent young daughter: “It’s £200,000!”That was an astonishing FOURFOLD increase on his opening demand. But Rafiq’s equally demanding brother Mohiuddin insisted: “The child is special now. This is NOT an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child!”

Upon hearing of the raised price, Madonna stormed right out of the room. Not really. Not yet.

It’s unknown if the actual would-be buyers had any sort of a down payment in mind or a dumb non-famous kid to trade in. What is known though, is that the people on the other end of the nine-year-old girl-purchase were under-cover News of the World reporters who exposed the whole alleged thing. When the father, Rafiq, found out he’d been had, he said this:

“In India you never say ‘no’ directly, least of all to guests. You try not to offend people by refusing to help.”

Really? Well in that case Rafiq, may we please take this over-sized colon we cut out of a decomposing elephant carcass and use it to hog tie your wife just before stuffing her into said elephant tantan style? If you like, we could do it while we’re there for tea. Also, can this guy spend a month with you? He only eats things he brought with him, if you catch our drift, so don’t worry about your severe poverty or anything. Plus if you treat him well enough he might even let you sell his partially-chewed penis tip. That’d probably net you several dozen rupies.

We thought so. You are a businessman, Rafiq – a shrewd one at that. Don’t let those stupid anti-child sellers tell you which of your children you can & can’t hawk into slavery or what-have-you. That’s a decision every man gets to make for himself whenever he feels like it.

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It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this – something far far worse.

David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it’s fallen out of her. We’re not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest.

Why’s that worse than Bristol Palin’s pregnancy? Simple – Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it’s just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.

Aside being the hilariously effeminate one from, oh who are we kidding, from everything he’s ever starred in, David Spade has been a peripheral member of the Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards divorce clusterfuck for quite some time.

In fact, it’s probably fair to say that until recently David Spade was best known for being the man who Heather Locklear got together with after her divorced husband Richie Sambora ran off with her best friend Denise Richards after she got divorced from Charlie Sheen, but before Heather Locklear went a bit mental and allegedly tried to kill herself. Clear?

Good. Not that it matters now, because now David Spade is most famous for accidentally knocking up a woman spectacularly out of his league and then begrudgingly accepting parental responsibilities once it was born. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Rules of Engagement” star is the father of a girl born to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace last week, his rep has confirmed… The 45-year-old announced in January that he had a “brief relationship” with Grace, Playboy’s Miss March 2005. “If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility.”

It’s so sweet, we think we might cry. All children should remember the day that their father reluctantly gave a conditional acceptance of responsibility statement that implied that the kid might not be his because its mother always seemed like a bit of a whore. We know we do!

There aren’t any details of the David Spade baby – no name, no location. However, it shouldn’t be too hard to track the kid down, because Jillian Grace looks quite a lot like David Spade – which, by the way, is quite creepy in itself – so we’re the guessing the baby is all blonde and underdeveloped and whatnot. There can’t be too many of those around, can there?

David Spade hasn’t seen his baby yet, but he hopes to when there’s a gap in his sitcom schedule. Which might sound callous of him, but don’t forget that this is David Spade we’re talking about – most of his sitcoms only last for a handful of episodes anyway, so he’ll probably get to visit before the week is out.

Somewhere – recently – in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given.

It sprang forth from its mother’s womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table – and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother’s colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma’s smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like.

You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It’s unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that’s why Clay Aiken‘s baby wanted out so bad – and it did!

That’s right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody’s freshly stretched woo-woo, he’s here to stay.

Clay Aiken had a baby. We knew this day would come. Thus far reactions from most Aiken-friends have been Simon Cowell saying the kid squeals like an unpleasant pig, Randy Jackson stating he really likes the groove the tot seems able to establish, and Paula Abdul verbally wondering what wine would taste like when sipped out of the child’s hollowed skull.

Also Rubin Studdard said he’d really like the baby to not keep hugging him all the time on-camera during finales for various music competitions.

None of that was true.

What is true though is that the baby seems to think the outside world is just so much roomier than the petrie dish he was conceived in. To this we say ‘Duh, Einstein.’

Aiken says of his child’s bloody arrival:

“I’m sure you know…I hate putting the cart before the horse. Not my way to tempt fate. But I wanted to stop by, if only for a second, so you could be the first folks I tell…HE’S HERE! Parker was born at a hospital in North Carolina just this morning at 8:08 a.m. Wow…8:08…08/08/08.”

The child weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces, and was over two hundred meters long.

This all reminds hecklerspray of the first time we had a baby. It was so exciting. First we saw the head, then we saw an arm, and then we saw our first wife’s toothy vagina start trying to re-swallow junior. Well needless to say we weren’t having it. After three elbows to Deborah’s abdominal region she relinquished the child, and was immediately sucked back to hell through a black-wormy tunnel that opened up where her drip was supposed to be.

And don’t worry about Junior – he’s fine. He spends all day under the stairs playfully reciting chants in Latin, Greek & some language that sounds an awful lot like live cats being split open by an angry, disgruntled butcher.

We think it’s French.

Now that Lindsay Lohan’s had her tongue surgically grafted to the inside of Samantha Ronson’s ear, nobody seems too sure about how much of a lesbian she is.

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

As this is Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex, we’re quickly realising that not much can surprise us any more. Lindsay Lohan’s had sex with the entire male population of an Italian island, she’s had sex with someone’s pecker on camera and now, if you believe what you read, she’s now busy having sex with a woman. Next will be feral woodland creatures, you mark our word, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

The woman who Lindsay Lohan is rumoured to be having sex with is Samantha Ronson and, to the casual observer, it looks like love. Lindsay Lohan loves Samantha Ronson enough to shriek at whichever Olsen twin happens to be nearest to her and to apparently get engaged to her.

But what do we know? It’s not like we’re Lindsay Lohan’s dad or anything. Lindsay Lohan’s dad knows everything that goes on in the Lohan family, except for what happened to it that time he went to prison for crashing his car drunk and trying to attack a man with his shoe. And prior to that when he was such an irresponsible parent that one of his daughters emailed the media to declare what a bastard he was.

But Michael Lohan knows everything else about the Lohans. OK, Michael Lohan knows that Dina Lohan’s reality TV show is crummy and that Lindsay used to be addicted to OxyContin and that’s about the extent of his knowledge.

However, when someone from Us Weekly recently asked him whether Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian or not, this shameful lack of family knowledge didn’t stop Michael from blurting out that her relationship with Ronson:

“is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Great! Lindsay Lohan’s officially a lesbian. Except that, no, now Michael Lohan’s saying everything was taken out of context and that Lindsay Lohan definitely isn’t a lesbian. Unless she is, in which case he’s totally OK with it. The New York Daily News reports:

Michael Lohan said he had not seen any photos of his daughter and Ronson nuzzling necks in France recently. Nor would it matter to him if his daughter were gay. “Lindsay’s life choices are up to her,” he said. “I don’t get involved in my daughter’s personal life. They’re friends, they’re always together. I hug my friends, does that make me a homosexual? Of course not.”

Poor old Michael Lohan. Trying to make out like he’s got the first clue about what his daughter’s up to when he clearly hasn’t. We hope for Michael’s sake that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian, because it might mean that he’ll be torn between his daughter and his new-found hardline faith.

And that’s just unfair – nothing should come between a father and his daughter. Nothing. Unless the father goes jail because he tried to beat a man up with a shoe, obviously. But that’s it.

Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ home, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospice was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

Mitch is convinced that sectioning Amy is the only way to save her from killing herself. He said:

“I want her sectioned. The situation is getting out of control. I want her off the street.”

Should they ask her to go to rehab? Mitch say:

“I don’t think being somewhere for six weeks is going to cure her problems. I think it needs far more radical measures. We will take the bull by the horns and deal with it.”

Come on Mitch – we know she isn’t the prettiest girl, but her own father comparing her to a bull? That’s a tad harsh. He furthered a lot more:

“I’ve been on the phone to Amy’s manager in Los Angeles and he’s starting things rolling. They are going to be speaking to doctors, psychologists and everything else. I want Amy to be somewhere where she will be safe and where no harm can come to her. Obviously, as her dad, I will try and do what’s best for her. Unfortunately, what I think is best for Amy and what she thinks is best for her are two different things…and it might be that other parties might need to be involved…You need all four – the psychologists, the doctor, the local health authority and the next of kin – all to decide that somebody is sectionable. Now is the time to exert whatever pressure we have to try to do it. I’ve told them she is a danger to herself. There is evidence of self-harming and she’s a danger to other people because she’s attacked someone.”

Amy was released with a caution from Holborn police station yesterday morning for hitting Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi after he refused to give way to her at a pool table. Mustapha said:

“I feel so angry. She smashed my face hard.”

Poor Mustapha; now he knows what a Joe Calzaghe opponent must feel like.

Then, after proceeding to play the game of pool – as poor victim Mustapha was legging it to the first policeman or journalist he could find – she allegedly head-butted a good samaritan trying to hail her a cab because – so it turns out – she thought he was trying to molest her.

Trying to molest her? What fucked-up method of taxi-hailing was he using? Maybe Amy felt the constant jerking of his thumb in an upwards movement was actually a mimed-innuendo of what he planned to do with her?

We can’t be sure as of yet if it is Amy exactly, but there is certainly some level of traditional-style mentalness going on here.

Read More – Lock Up My Amy – NOTW

It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

It’s a predicament we’ve all faced, really.

You bring a newly-cremated loved one home and open up the urn, only to have some of the ashes spew onto the table. Dang it all. Now you have to go to the trouble of carefully sweeping the ashy vestiges of your great granny back in there using your pinky. Unless you’re Keith Richards. If you’re Keith Richards you daub up those ashes on your pinky and stick it up your nose hole and snort like you’ve never snorted before.

For reals this time, guys. This time he says he really did it for reals.

About a year ago, Keith Richards, aging/old/defying-the-laws-of-drug-usage-to-still-alive rocker from The Rolling Stones, revealed in an interview with NME that he mixed up a little delightful blow comprised of cocaine and some of his daddy Bert’s ashes and had himself a lovely snort. Despite the fact that there really is not a whole lot Keith Richards can do to shock even an ardently religious woman who teaches Sunday school and showers fully clothed, the whole dad-snorting thing was a bit shocking.

It was also a bit false. Right after the disgusting twistedness of somebody ingesting another human being – other than for purely cannibalistic purposes, which we fully support – was revealed, Keith Richards said the whole thing was just a bit of tomfoolery:

“The truth of the matter is that I planted a sturdy English Oak. I took the lid off the box of ashes, and he is now growing oak trees and would love me for it!!!”

Okay, okay, but NOW Keith Richards is saying he really DID do it. In addition to the long list of non-drugs he’s likely sniffed – baking powder, gardenia scented body talc, detergent, Pixie Stix, golf balls (unsuccessfully) – Keith Richards says he did take a snort of Bertie-boy, just not with cocaine. Look here at what he told Blender magazine:

“I looked at my dad’s ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? “Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me [sic] finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me [sic] hooter. The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I’m sure he’s still blessing me.”

Hear that? One man’s hooter is another man’s nostril. Good thing the Hooters restaurant chain wasn’t started by Keith Richards. It would have quite a different image, now wouldn’t it.

But, hey, Keith Richards snorting weird stuff isn’t always negative. There was that one time we heard he tried to snort Mick Jagger. It caused quite a rift amongst the band for a while, but ended up leading to one of their most influential songs in music history, (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction from Snorting Mick Jagger. Thus, we fully support whatever Keith Richards wants to snort for the sake of the music.

Except for drugs. Drugs are bad. Stay in school.

Read more:

Keith Richards: I DID Snort My Dad’s Ashes - Huffington Post