While most of the shock was reserved for the fan himself, who looked like the 80s had truly never ended, some people reserved their shockedness for the one in the tight jeans from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

For you see, it is expected of movie stars to brave the crowds, to listen to their fans and to not (shockingly) ignore the offer of a yellow rose from someone who probably masturbates over pictures of you.

Shocker.

In true pansy-assed movie star fashion, Megan Fox did go on to apologise for the furore she caused and the shame she brought about on her biggest fan for the simple act of turning down his perennial flower shrub.

That’s his rose, by the way, and not any kind of witty euphemism.

And by “his rose” we mean ‘the flower he offered her’. You people have filthy minds.

Anyway, Foxy-Fox-Fox responded to one of her fans who she may have alienated during a promo interview with Collider for the new Michael “could of” Bay vehicle, putting things right by first saying:

“I did not know that was a child.”

Though she did go on to say more things that were nicer, even if it did look like she was dying a little inside by being forced to apologise for the mere fact that she hates odd-looking people and their stupid offers of shitty little flowers:

“I feel so sad for him. That’s so terrible. That kills me. There were, like, 80 million people everywhere. It’s dark, all I see are flashes. Everyone’s yelling different things and I didn’t know that was happening.”

Not content with shockingly (brutally) snubbing her biggest fan, it would appear Megan Fox now believes 80 million people show up to see her? Talk about ego…

Fox McCloud then managed to force these words out through some of the deadest eyes ever seen by man:

“If you know his name, I will send him a personal apology. I’m horrified. I would never do that. I’m sorry, sweet boy. I would never do that to you, and I would gladly accept your rose if I see you again.”

We’d wager ’sweet boy’, as he is now known, is preparing an extra special rose just for the Foxy one with crap tattoos. Extra special.

Our biggest bucket of scorn for the day, however, has to be poured on the interviewer, who used the word “cyberspace”.

Shocking.

Here be the video.

But, as great as those sacrifices are, they’re nothing compared to the sacrifice made by David Copperfield’s stagehand on Wednesday – he got sucked into a giant fan, broke his arm in three places and badly mangled his face up.

Still, at least David Copperfield was decent enough to visit the stagehand in hospital with a gift – a children’s magic set. Ah, all the fun of magic but with none of the screaming fear of death. What a gent!

Performers, when will you learn – Las Vegas hates you. We’re being serious. It actually hates you. Look at Toni Braxton – she went to Las Vegas and ended up getting a chronic heart condition. And look at Suge Knight’s girlfriend – she went to Las Vegas and ended up getting repeatedly punched in the head by Suge Knight. And look at Siegfried And Roy – they went to Las Vegas and one of them ended up getting mauled by the giant white tiger that they let roam around freely with them all the time.

And that goes double for David Copperfield. He went to Las Vegas and what did he get? An FBI investigation into a series of alleged rapes. Oh, and – more relevantly – a stagehand who buggered himself up in a fan quite badly.

On Wednesday night during his Las Vegas revue, David Copperfield attempted a trick called The Fan – one that he’s performed hundreds of times in the past without a hitch. Here’s what the trick is supposed to look like…

And on Wednesday it looked exactly the same, expect a) David Copperfield’s hair is a different kind of bad now, b) Oprah Winfrey wasn’t staring at him like he was a big fat ham and c) at some point while David Copperfield was titting around with his billowy lady friend, there was probably a noise that sounded a bit like “Wait, christ OH JESUS NO MY ARM! OW! MY ARM AGAIN! AND OW AGAIN ON MY ARM NO NO NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACZZZZUGHHHARGH!”

Because that’s when David Copperfield’s stagehand Brandon was sucked into the fan, shattering his arm in three places and heavily lacerating his face. Obviously the show was immediately stopped and Brandon was hospitalised for his serious injuries. But at least David Copperfield didn’t act like a massive dick afterwards, did he, E! Online?

“Many people assume that the death-defying illusions I do onstage are not dangerous,” Copperfield said. “This unfortunate accident shows that couldn’t be further from the truth, and we’re just thankful Brandon’s injuries weren’t worse.” To show just how thankful he was, Copperfield paid a conciliatory visit to Brandon to give him what every post-op patient most hopes for: a children’s magic set.

A children’s magic set. What a sweet and completely cost-equivalent gift to give a man who’d just been mutilated by the metal blades of a 12-foot industrial fan.

Really, it’s lovely of David Copperfield to present his injured stagehand with a gift that will most closely remind him of the violent trauma he’s just been through. Maybe the hospital gift store didn’t have David Copperfield’s first choice of gift in stock – a miniature 12-foot fan that, when switched on, emits a sound that alternates between agonised screaming and a group of cackling children.

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Not only did she star as Tony Danza’s midget lover on the eighties sitcom Hey You Guys, Who Is The Boss Here?, but more recently she was also in some show where she played the ghost of Shannon Doherty or something.

We thought we might have some of those details wrong, but on review everything actually looks pretty accurate. Possibly.

But just because we don’t remember the specifics doesn’t mean nobody does – one fan, for instance, just walked miles and miles through some woods to try to force an in-house meeting with her.

Sometimes 54-year-old guys just get lonely. Take our Uncle Bernie for instance – we assume he’s lonely, but that’s only because the last time we saw him he was running for an open train door with a handkerchief-stick slung over his shoulder. We haven’t heard from him since, but the travelling band of gay hobos he took up with wrote once and told us he pretty much keeps to himself.

Poor Bernie. Ever since kindergarten you could see this coming.

So we heard.

Also take Jeff Turner, a man who might not be gay or filthy, but likely expresses his emptiness by recording all of Nick at Night, probably on VHS, and then playing it back in super slow motion – pausing whenever Alyssa Milano pops on screen wearing a particularly attractive side-pony tail.

This is all assumption of course – but it certainly seems like a safe one – at least according to All Headline News:

“Former “Charmed” star Alyssa Milano has requested a temporary restraining order against an “obsessed and mentally unstable fan.” Per the court documents the actress filed on Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, Jeff Turner, 54, tried to break into her home on two occasions. He also made repeated attempts to contact Milano over the past two years…Turner’s most recent attempt to break into the 35-year-old actress’ home was on November 16, when he was confronted by her agent, David Bugliari, and her uncle, Mitch Carp. He told the two that he was a friend of the family and admitted to them that he had “bypassed around the guard gate and hiked through the woods” to get in.”

You know to be fair – Milano is a tough read. Whenever she’s on the TV in Turner’s basement apartment she probably beckons him with her eyes. Then when he does as she’s obviously telling him – which is probably something like – “Pry open one of my windows and then wait in my room until I find you comfortably lounging in my lavender bathrobe,” people freak and the cops are called. Why is it always back and forth with these women?

Milano should be thankful – at least her stalker is alive. Paula Abdul is gonna have to spend the rest of her life wondering what could have been. Why is it celebrities only want what they can’t have? Why even Jennifer Garner – there she had a perfectly nice nutter who never wanted anything more than to sniff a pair of her dirty, inside-out pants, and what does she do?

We’re not sure what she did, actually. It was probably something legal.

Don’t be a Garner, Milano – or before you know it you’ll be an Abdul. And then of course you might get billed by the city when they come by to clean up your guy’s body… and there’s the fees for the incineration – or a taxidermist should you decide to go that route. Those restraining orders can really add up fast, financially speaking.

And these are not the times for additional bills, what with the current state of Wall Street and what-not.

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The body of Paula Goodspeed was discovered yesterday near Paula Abdul’s mansion in a car with a Paula Abdul-referencing license plate, next to pictures and CDs of Paula Abdul. It’s thought that Paula Goodspeed overdosed on prescription drugs, following a less successful suicide attempt near Abdul’s home earlier this year.

It’s sad news, and Goodspeed’s death might even make reality producers question their vetting process or treatment of contestants. Maybe they could just let Randy Jackson judge the next season of American Idol alone. After all, nobody can like him that much, can they?

There have been all manner of celebrity stalkers in recent years, all with varying degrees of scariness. Some are happy to draw creepy pictures of their victims, others will try to run them over on their driveway. But none have ever been willingly insulted by the object of their affections on national television.

Tragically, that happened to be the case with Paula Goodspeed, the Paula Abdul fan who yesterday killed herself close to Paula Abdul’s home. Paula Goodspeed auditioned for the fifth season of American Idol in a televised segment that now seems to be uncomfortably stuffed with warning signs…

As BBC News reports, Paula Abdul has already expressed her sadness over Goodspeed’s death:

The 30-year-old was discovered in a car alongside prescription drugs, CDs and pictures of pop star Abdul. The car was found near the singer’s home. Abdul said in a statement, released by her publicist Jeff Ballard: “I am deeply shocked and saddened at what transpired yesterday. My heart and prayers go out to her family.”

The news of Paula Goodspeed’s apparent suicide will no doubt affect Paula Abdul deeply. Every episode of American Idol these days seems to come complete with a little montage of fans telling Paula how much they love her, and this news might force her to be a little more hands-off with them in the future.

Whatever happens, though, we expect that the knock-on effect of Goodspeed’s death will be a toning down of the early American Idol stages. Simon Cowell has already been criticised in the past for his treatment of homosexuals and the disabled and so, to avoid a repeat of this sad news, we’re predicting that American Idol will cut back its attacks on the less talented audition performers in future seasons.

And what will that leave us with? Six months of David Archuleta clones. Who’d watch that?

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And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. So it comes as a nice big pile of fun when the man gets all ranty, decides he disagrees with just about everyone in the world and that he hates The Dark Knight, because it makes him feel ‘dumb’.

For once we don’t have to add much to that – it’s simply what he said in an interview with Movie Hole.

Speaking about the plans for Iron Man 2, the Marvel-contracted actor decided that he shouldn’t just talk up some vague plot points, speculate on what may happen in the sequel and start the ball rolling on some early hype for the upcoming blockbuster.

No – he would also stick the knife in in a pretty spectacular fashion, especially when you consider this is mainstream Hollywood cinema, people are likely to see what he’s said and it will get widely reported.

Just for that, we have to give Robert Downey Jr a special hecklerspray ‘Well Done You Have Some Balls’ award that we’ve just invented.

Congratulations, Bobby – how does it feel to be the first ever recipient?

Granted, he may not have threatened his mum, died or had a serious car accident, but directly slagging off a competitor’s film is good enough for us. Talking to Movie Hole, Downey Jr let loose this barrage:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart…and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I…still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F–k DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Clearly not a man worried about burning any bridges… oh, wait, he went on about that too, the little git:

“You know, you’re never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I’ve got a couple more. ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ is my favourite phrase I’ve ever coined.”

Well, we’re not going to argue with that.

Maybe years of drug abuse, carrying weapons around and getting arrested every three-point-four minutes is the recipe to make the perfect movie star – one who can actually act pretty well and one who has both an actual set of balls and a lack of inner monologue, leaving them free to say what they actually mean.

Set the plan in motion, Hollywood berks – prescription smack and a shotgun for Lindsay Lohan, followed by four arrests in a week. Maybe that’ll make her fun again.

Read The Rest Of It Here:

Movie Hole

Ours included Maury Povich getting scientifically cross-bred with a shark.

But then the doctor came out and told us she wasn't dying, she just had lungs filled to the tippy top with crack cocaine and cigarette butts. Is that what the doctor said? Well, we don't actually remember as we were too relieved to pay attention.

But she eventually escaped that hospital and flew all the way to Glastonbury, where she put on a super-human performance complete with bass lines, drum beats, and several introductions between a fan and her angry fist.

She punched a guy for either touching her boob or her hair, depending on who you ask. We have video.

The nice thing about outdoor music festivals is standing two inches from a fat man's hairy back as it glistens just so under the one o'clock sun. Another nice thing about outdoor music festivals is you can go there to historically not listen to rap music, or listen to rap music a full day later than you'd originally intended.

And at Glastonbury if you pay the full admission price, you can get punched in the face by Amy Winehouse as many times as you'd like. The experience is reportedly a better souvenir than a concert T-shirt, and probably gives you the option to sue a rich celebrity, if that's what you're into.
The Daily News explains how great this could be:

"Before wrapping [her set] up, the singer launched into "Rehab" – and repeatedly punched an audience member in the front row while working the crowd. Winehouse kept singing while she threw her right hook, by the way."

Now that's showmanship! It reminds us slightly of the time we had to keep knitting a sweater while a hungry cougar clawed violently at our back. We don't remember why. The sweater got finished in decent time, but got some weird red stain all along its backside the first time we tried it on.

We think it was paint.

Anyway – would you like to see Winehouse pummel some guy? Well just you have at it then.

Initial rumours suggest that Dennis Schulz suffered a dislocated spinal cord when he was crushed by an overpowering force of mediocrity that had been building like a whirlwind, reaching its destructive crescendo somewhere between the second chorus of Bad Medicine and the opening chord of Always. Schulz reached a level of boredom that scientists refer to as ‘The David Gray Effect’, where mind and body becomes so aware of the dullness of the immediate moment that the spine gives up on you, and tries to flee the body.

However, further research into the matter revealed that this was not the case, and that the injuries was caused by Schulz getting caught up in a brawl. Initial reports suggest that the crowd became so overwhelmed with the mediocrity of the situation that, in what scientists call ‘The Collective David Gray Effect’, where the mind and body become all too aware of the collective dullness of the immediate moment, that the only effective therapy is to lash manically out at the bored soul standing nearest you.

However, further research into the matter reveal it is almost totally unclear as to what sparked the brawl.

Schulz has filed his lawsuit against four fans, staff, promoters and the venue in Edmonton, but not the band, who have got away with it scot-free. Guitarist Richie Sambora, 48, commented:

"Oh god, we're really, really sorry."

Read more:

Paralysed Bon Jovi Fan Sues For Compensation – Contactmusic

[story by Paul Sorrenti] 

Weird. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes – as Oasis were recording their new album at Abbey Road studios, a crazed stalker type apparently tried burst in on them, spooking them so much that they've hired a team of policemen to guard the studio for the time being. Not much is known about the identity of Oasis' new stalker, although he reportedly accused Noel Gallagher of ripping off all his music and lyrics for the new Oasis album during the encounter.

With that in mind, police are seeking to question Paul McCartney, John Lennon, any of Slade or a time-travelling version of Noel Gallagher from 13 years ago. 

Oasis are the sort of band with fans who all think they're a bit crazed, when really they're just Ben Sherman-wearing Wetherspoon-dwelling meatheads with haircuts like Miles from This Life who start to cry like confused monkeys if they hear a song with more than three chords in it. Fans who say the word "proper" when they mean the word "large."

But, although you're technically able to classify anyone who awaits the new Oasis album with anything other than a shrug and a sinking heart as 'crazed', it takes something special to become a genuine, 100% scary, crazed Oasis stalker. Something as special as, say, claiming that you've written the new Oasis album yourself and Noel Gallagher has somehow stolen your thoughts and used them for his own good.

Funnily enough, that's what appears to have happened to Oasis, thanks to a young Greek man who wanted to confront Noel Gallagher about this alleged song-theft at Abbey Road studios last week, where Oasis are recording their new album. The world's most alarming cockney told The Sun:

"The guy showed up in a proper rage. He meant business and was clearly off his rocker. He claimed that he had written all this material that Noel had nicked off him for the new album. The fella was fuming and was threatening to beat Noel up over it all. He was cursing at staff and being really threatening so the cops were called in. He tried to force his way into the studio but couldn’t get through. He heard the police were coming and turned on his heels. By the time the bobbies got down there he had gone."

Noel Gallagher will have to be careful now he's got a stalker – because nobody really knows what type of stalker he is yet. He could be a Sandra Bullock-type stalker who'll try to run him over, or a John Cusack-style stalker who'll make all kinds of claims about how much he loves Noel Gallagher. Just so long as he isn't a Colin Farrell-style stalker – we never want to hear a song called I Fucked Noel Gallagher In His Ass on MySpace or anywhere else.

But, once again, we need to make it clear that Noel Gallagher needs to keeps his wits about him at all times now, because let's not forget that this stalker thinks that he's written Noel Gallagher's lyrics. And if a man can rhyme 'magic pie' with 'passer by' then there's no telling what other atrocities he's capable of.

Read more:

Noel Has To Get A Police Guard – The Sun