Justin Bieber has decided to show us all just how disgustingly wealthy he is by forking out $25,000 on a necklace. That’s right, a necklace. That’s many years of your benefits money, gone, just like that.

So what is this necklace like? It must be pretty good to be worth so many banknotes, right?

Well, proving that money can’t buy taste, the foetal hitmaker has got himself a piece of jewellery which is based on animated Family Guy talking baby Stewie Griffin, featuring 12 carats of rubies and diamonds. Not only that, but the mug designed it as well. You’d think for $25k, you wouldn’t have to do a thing for it! But no, this is a simpleton we’re talking about here.

Of course, there are many similarities between Bieber and Stewie. Both can talk like real humans, despite their age… and the biggest similarity is that, despite being repugnant, odious little shitehawks, they’ve still managed to become immensely popular around the world.

Apparently, this tacky garment was made by Beverley Hills jeweller Jason Arasheben, who help to realise Bieber’s brainchild. It appears that Bieber:

‘had a specific vision for how he wanted it to look’.

Is anyone else getting a flashing neon light in their mind’s eye saying “gaudy”?

That’s not the only vanity addition to Bieber’s life this week. He’s also revealed a new tattoo below his left, hairless armpit.

Hilariously, it says ‘Yeshua’, which is the Hebrew spelling of Jesus. Hilarious why? Because Jesus quite obviously doesn’t exist. He may as well get a tattoo of Ronald McDonald.

Preferably on his face.

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Family Guy may well be one of the most dismal programmes ever aired on a television anywhere on Earth, but that didn’t stop Seth MacFarlane scraping the barrel even further with the miserable American Dad and further still with the joy-vacuum of The Cleveland Show.

Quite an impressive feat you might think. How on Earth is it possible to make something more grating and unfunny as Family Guy?

Well, unbelievably, he’s going to top all of that when he takes over, revamps and utterly sullies one of the greatest animated series in television – The Flintstones. And you thought that the live action flick with John Goodman was bad!

Yes indeed, MacFarlane will apparently be giving a 21st century spin to the already perfect ’60s comedy series, invariably turning Fred Flintstone, Wilma, Barney and Betty Rubble, into quirky, off-beat characters, into boorish, cut-away obsessed, hateful creations.

That said, MacFarlane is a fan:

“The very first cartoon character I drew at age two was Fred Flintstone”

“So it’s appropriate that events have come full circle, allowing me to produce the newest incarnation of this great franchise. Plus, I think America is finally ready for an animated sitcom about a fat, stupid guy with a wife who’s too good for him”

Production (or, as it is being referred to in some circles, The Death Of Humour) will be starting in the fall of 2011 and will most likely end up polluting our screens in 2013.

That gives us two years to decide whether to end the lives of those involved or simply partake in a mass-suicide.*

*Please note, this is quite clearly a melodramatic response to a situation, used for comedic effect. So, if you’re a lawyer or a basketcase who briefly took it seriously, please go and stand in a darkened room, count to ten, think about your life and then, should you see fit, kill yourself.**

**Please note, this is further use of melodrama, used for comedic effect. Seriously, stop trying to kill yourself or other people to then pin the blame on us. Idiot.

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Christmas is over, you’ve got those rubbish gadgets and books that you’ll never read and all you can think about is that £20 voucher that your Gran threw at you.

Here are a few home video releases that you may have missed during the holidays:

Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side (Blu-ray): Following the success of Blue Harvest – their previous escapade in Star Wars lampooning – Dark Side aims its satirical sights on The Empire Strikes Back. Some jokes hit, some jokes miss so hard it hurts. You may wonder how a cartoon fares in high definition; the show looks great, bringing out the colours and settings in as much detail as you can get from a drawing without actually poking a pencil into your eye.

Still, it’s the humour you want and plenty of that you’ll get. All the characters appear in some guise and, as you would expect, the humour takes on all manner of incarnations that bear no relevance to the plot. Still, this is one of the finest Star Wars parodies out there and trumps all over the previous effort like a Wookie farting on a 3ft Ewok.

Extras are a mixed bunch: We get a short table read of the third installment in their Star Wars trilogy, struggling to prove there is still mileage in fart jokes (We proved how easy it was above). Elsewhere a table read for Darkside and some scene-to-scene animatic comparisons. The highlight of the package being the Family Guy fact-ups; useful pop-up facts during the movie that you never needed to know.

‘Spray Rating: 4/5

The Hurt Locker (DVD):

Blowing away the winter blues is arguable the most enjoyable war drama of the last few years. The Hurt Locker follows bomb disposal expert Sgt. James in Iraq, going about his tour of duty.

What follows is a tour de force of nerve-shredding action, mixed with male bravado and adrenaline. Nothing is clear cut, nothing is a cliché and the action scenes revolve around characters, not explosions (although there are plenty of the latter).

Jeremy Renner gives an edgy performance that captivates throughout. He is supported by Anthony Mackie who matches his intensity and the two play off each other as men who are both affected very differently by war. Ralph Fiennes and Guy Pearce pop up in small roles as well offering a bit of star wattage to a film that doesn’t need it.

The extras a bit disappointing on this disc, only featuring some interviews, but this is one of the finest films of the year and one you do not want to miss.

‘Spray Rating: 5/5

District 9 (Blu-ray):

Probably the best alien based mockumentary we’ve ever seen, but look past the effects and the gloriously gory action sequences and this is a film about a performance. Sharlto Copley as Wikus van de Merwe is an electric debut and one made all the better given that his dialogue is completely improvised.

District 9, if you haven’t heard, is about stranded aliens in Johannesburg, South Africa, who are segregated into a small community called District 9. We follow Wikus as he goes about his daily duty but things ago awry when he comes across some alien technology.

What we get is one of the most startlingly original debuts from an actor and director and proves to be one of the most ferociously original (containing the odd homage here and there) sci-fi films of the decade.

Extras are a so-so  bunch with some behind the scenes bits, a commentary and a completely pointless Blu-ray exclusive map feature, enabling you to track the action. Still, it shits on ALF.

‘Spray rating: 4/5

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FlashForward is Channel 5′s hot new US TV show that literally some people are talking about.

The writers of FlashForward came up with the idea while cleaning their kitchen surfaces and thought to themselves, “Goodness! I wish I could fast-forward this arduous task!” A two minute pause followed. “Hold on…Flash kitchen cleaner, Fast-Forward…..FlashForward!”

Handily, that’s also the premise of this new Lost-esque sort of sci-fi, but definitely action/drama, genre series.

Everyone across the world loses consciousness for two minutes, sees a glimpse of their future, and then wakes up. The writers decided not to wake up, but instead bring FlashForward to the present for us all to see, signal permitting, on Five.

Joseph Fiennes plays serious agent Mark Benford of the F-ing B.I. It’s not all plain sailing though we’re afraid; he’s also a recovering alcoholic. Jack “For everything else there’s Mastercard” Davenport is also starring, along with Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane. A veritable feast of people you sort of recognise but aren’t really sure why.

In reality, it is safe to say that most people would wake up from this two-minute premonition with their face in jelly, on their keyboard, or on the floor of WH Smiths. But in US TV world, most if not all aeroplanes have fallen from the sky, Big Ben’s clock face is on fire for no discernible reason, and yet we bet the bloody X Factor would still be on.

If you already watch Five’s only decent programme (that’s The Gadget Show, not Fort Boyard), FlashForward is on immediately afterwards, so you might as well watch it, eh?

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Like movie stars and music moguls, television people like nothing better than an evening of expensive outfits, impressive golden statuettes changing hands, and beautiful faces all sitting around telling one another just how brilliant they all are at their jobs. It’s only a shame that such wonderful nights out don’t stretch into normal jobs.

We shall only ever dream of a day when undervalued stone masons and building site skivvies get to breeze around outside hotels shouting details of their suits/blouses to hysterical reporters. What a great day that would be.

Last night it was the 61st edition of The Emmy Awards, so everyone who couldn’t quite cut it on the big screen turned up, their skin soft and shiny, their hair just about achieving the perfection they demand. Embarrassingly, practically all of the males in attendance turned up in the same dinner-suit-plus-tie outfit. The women, meanwhile, shimmered and sparkled like fireworks at an eighteen year old boy’s impromptu bonfire night party in the back garden with most of his friends. Seriously. They looked that amazing. 

The big cock-punch of the evening went to the gigantic throbbing minds behind Family Guy, who were hoping to become one of the first cartoons to snaffle the Best Comedy gong. There’s a whisper that The Flintstones did it about sixty years ago, or something. But it wasn’t to be. Instead, the cheerful 30 Rock gang were awarded their third in a row, meaning that the show’s creator, Tina Fey, can now think about giving her Emmy’s a hilarious nickname – like The Bee Gees, or ZZ Top. Or any other band that consists of three members. She’ll have fun with that. She’s a creative woman. She loves challenges.

On the downside for Fey, she did lose out in the battle of the women with four-letter names beginning with T, when Toni Collette took the grand prize as Most Fantastic Actress Making Everyone Laugh in a Comedy. For those not up on these things, she stars as a bonkers maniac in a show called United States of Tara. Well done her. Luckily for the 30 Rock crew, Alec Baldwin did make up for the howling disappointment of it all by winning the male version of the same prize.

Elsewhere, Mad Men – the tale of men smoking at work, and the sexy ginger one convincing timid secretaries to have it off with their bosses – was declared Greatest Drama. Glenn Close, who will be forever remembered as the recipient of the full Michael Douglas tongue in Fatal Attraction, triumphed as a dramatic actor, as did Bryan Cranston, who was repeatedly overlooked for his stunning work in Malcolm in The Middle. The Academy – or whoever it is – is clearly making up for that now. He won for Breaking Bad.

Here’s what Jessica Lange said at one point during the evening:

“I can’t believe I’m standing here.”

You tell them, sister!

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When news broke that Cleveland from Family Guy was getting a spin off show, it caused a flurry of reactions.

Some thought that the idea would suck donkey balls whilst others embraced the decision to make Seth McFarlane a little bit richer.

After months of speculation about this project ever seeing the light of day, a trailer has popped up for us to laugh at or complain about. Do we have the promo embedded in this story? Of course we do, and after the jump you’ll be able to watch it! That’s unless you’ve probably already seen it somewhere else.

Of course, the trailer wouldn’t be complete with something semi-offensive for people to complain about. Hooray for comedy racism but it’ll no doubt shake the leaves of people who have been removed of a sense of humour.

Using our rubbish powers of observation, not having much information to go on other then this trailer and without cheating via looking things up on Wikipedia we have concluded that:

* Cleveland leaves Farmington, will realise it’s shit and then probably come back. Though this might not happen until people complain the spin-off is rubbish and affects the main show.

* A talking bear won’t bother anyone into thinking things are slightly surreal.

* The fat child will already have pages of abusive jokes written about him.

* It’s quite likely they’ll be no explanation as to who Cleveland’s new family is.

* The Cleveland Brown show won’t be as popular as Family Guy.

* Quagmire will try and shag the teenage daughter that Cleveland is living with at some point.

* There’ll be a giant chicken fight at some point.

However, we do notice something strange at the very end of the trailer. We’re told that the series isn’t going to premire until ‘this fall’. Are our American chums being cruel and waiting for some high powered Fox executive to fall over before showing it? Who do they want to fall over? Why are we so confused? The creators of the show are quite literally holding us to ransom until we wait for someone to trip up or fall over.

Shocking.

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10 - Happy Monday! A man’s bitten his own penis off! – MSNBC

9 – Who wants to come here with us? It looks incredible - Jellymongers

8 - Octopuses: not only terrifying but POISONOUS – Livescience

7 - Gay babies. That’s all. Gay babies – Gay-Babies

6 - Ha ha ha, Rupert Everett‘s face. Ha ha ha – Bestweekever

5 - A nice list of terrifying places to drive a car - Forbestraveler

4 – There’s going to be Family Guy movie. And it’s going to be live action – Killerfilm

3 – A selection of reasons why getting a unicorn tattoo makes you a gigantic bellend – Holytaco

2 – Can someone please buy us this set of robot legs? Thanks - I Am Bored

1 - Dogs are atheists. Who knew…

Over the years we’ve been subjected to sex tapes by the gruesome likes of Gene Simmons, Colin Farrell and, in one particularly harrowing clip that we’ve never quite been able to scrub from our minds, Fred Durst.

But nothing – not even the hideous sight of Fred Durst pulling the camera round to his own face at the point of orgasm, could prepare us for this – it’s a Family Guy sex tape, and it’s possibly the most stomach-churning thing we’ve ever seen in our entire lives.

The above clip includes scenes of sex, anal sex, S&M sex, rimming, threesomes, topless rodeo, man-on-man-on-man-on-man action, incest, bestiality, gagging and simulated fellatio, whilst also throwing some force-feeding into the mix. It is, therefore, advisable that you don’t watch it at work, or after eating, or before eating. Or during eating for that matter. Especially during eating, now we mention it.

When Joanie loved Chachi it lasted exactly 17 episodes. When Frasier loved Niles it lasted even longer-ish.

When Skeletor remembered he had a mentor that had long ago been locked on another planet with He-Man's sister, it was like a steel-toed boot to the nethers. But that's just the risk of a spin off, now isn't it? You think you've got a great product, but then Hordak shows up and kicks you in the jellies.

Unless the spin-off of which you speak belongs to Cleveland Brown of Family Guy fame. He, apparently, is on the threshold of carrying his own show.

Family Guy, the show that occasionally battles the Simpsons, gets featured in video games and sometimes returns from the dead, is gonna be torn in two like an earth worm who's bottom half is getting it's own television spinoff.

Wikipedia is wise and knows all things, let us then consult it for further enlightenment on these matters:

"During a live broadcast of "Loveline," Seth MacFarlane announced that a spin-off featuring Cleveland was currently in the works with the studio and writers."

The Hollywood Reporter seems quite knowledgeable about the whole thing too:

"The project, tentatively titled "Cleveland," is being written by "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane, Mike Henry — who voices Cleveland and serves as writer-producer on the series — and "The Simpsons" alum Rich Appel, executive producer/showrunner on MacFarlane's other animated comedy for Fox, "American Dad.""

Now if we had our pick as to spin-offs we'd like to see, Mike Seaver's gym coach would take a low-paying job in California, thus having to move his entire giant family out there for weekly antics-galore. Also we'd have a show called Joey.

He'd move to California too.

Read More:

"Cleveland" On Map As "Family Guy" Spin-Off – Reuters