Anyone who has watched thirty seconds of the Cartoon Network’s phenomenal animated program Adventure Time will tell you that the show is whackadoo insane and that watching it for even a slight amount a time will make you feel like you’re on serious brain-splitting drugs.
They will then, if they have any amount of taste, tell you that they absolutely love it. This will also probably turn them into a proper fiend for the show and they’ll never miss another episode. Why is this? Because we love our cartoons, and we love them best when they’re trippy, weird and when they make us feel like we’re on drugs. Because we love the way drugs make us feel.
But I’ve never even tried drugs. Sorry to break it to you there Squaresville but you know that feeling you get when you watch Adventure Time, the rush, the giddiness, the psychedelic overload that makes it feel like your brain’s been turned into cotton candy, scooped out of your skull and then served back to you in a striped spiral cup? That’s drugs! That’s how drugs make you feel. At least the good ones. And that desperate craving for more, that’s drugs as well.
But what sort of drug is Adventure Time or any of our other favorite animated programs? Which ones are uppers, downers, screamers or laughers? The following list is here to guide you to the life crippling, out of control, self-respect stealing dangerous substance of a cartoon that’s right for you. So whether you’re new to actual street drugs or some sort of Pete Doherty Lindsay Lohan hybrid smack vampire shuffling towards oblivion with aplomb and a rotted smile, this list is perfect for you.
It’ll either let you enjoy the best of drugs (the getting high part) and avoid the less enjoyable parts, (nearly everything else, especially being homeless and reduced to giving out angry blowjobs under a bridge in hopes to score more dope; unless of course that’s what you’re into, no judgments) and if you already have a healthy self-destructive lifestyle this will give you an alternative to methadone. Everybody’s happy.
This list will prescribe the perfect cartoon and corresponding drug whatever your narcotic inclination.
To begin we’re going to take a page out of the Queens Of The Stone Age’s how to get fucked up and epically so manual and go organize this list using their song “Feel Good Hit Of The Summer” and its laundry list grown up candy as a template. The song’s lyrics, I might add the song’s only lyrics are:
“Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.” Oh, and “Cocaine.” That’s the chorus. Josh Homme: Ginger Elvis, sludge dandy, all around role model and poet laureate of stoner rock.
Nicotine = Venture Bros.
Why is Venture Bros like smoking? Because it makes you look cool. And you’re no longer allowed to do it inside most public buildings. What? Seriously, when’s the last time you walked into a bar or a coffee shop and they were playing some V Bros. never, that’s when. But mostly VB and nicotine are synonymous because despite the fact that they appear to be only a gateway drug, mostly innocuous and not too mood altering, the truth is they’re actually more addictive and plearue inducing than almost anything else on this list.
And like being a smoker being a Venture Bros. fan defines you. It’s something that effects every other part of your life, something your friends and family who don’t do the same will never understand and always try to get you to quit. And it’s something you won’t be able to hide. Liking Venture Bros. will stain your fingernails and stink-haunt your breath like the ghost of a Taco Bell restaurant toilet bowl. A Taco Bell located in a mall.
But seriously kids, smoking is beyond disgusting and will give you cancer. Venture Bros. is beyond terrific and will only give you Chlamydia. Worth it.
Valium/ Vicodin = Futurama
We’ll do both drugs together because they make me feel just about the same. And that’s chilled out. Way relaxed and ready to just unwind and feel good about the universe. And that’s Futurama. It’s not here to get you all riled up, it’s here to send a nice numbing sensation down your spine and ease the pain of being an insignificant speck in an even more insignificant universe. Ah.
Marijuana = South Park
Because South Park puts you in a state where everything is funny as well as making your mind limber enough to want to wax philosophic about any subject. The little lessons and social commentary that are laced into every episode of South Park, that’s the sort of meditative state a pothead spends most of their day in. The part where they’re not devouring cheesy puffs. Weed makes you want to endlessly discuss, argue, and otherwise mull over the pointless minutia of everyday life. And that is essential any episode of South Park.
Ecstasy = Powerpuff Girls
Easily one of the most subversive and bizarre mainstream kids cartoons ever produced. For example, one of the Powerpuff Girls main villains is called simply Him, Him is a lobster clawed, transvestite, super powered satanic figure replete with long black hooker boots, a red lady’s jacket and Santa Claus belt buckle. His voice is the most disturbing aspect of the character. Him speaks in reverb laden, child predator falsetto, that usually sounds sickeningly sweet right before it switches into a full on Linda Blair in the Exorcist growl. Enjoy kids.
So back to the rest of the show and why it’s like E. Have you seen Powerpuff Girls? It’s so goddamn colorful, hyperactive and positively pulsing with energy it might as well be a rave. Plus, there’s usually a couple of guys who look just like the aforementioned villain Him at any rave. Do not buy your drugs from them.
Powerpuff Girls and ecstasy both provide an overwhelming sense of euphoria and artificial intimacy with others, (you will love the three enormous eyed protagonists of this show instantly upon watching it) and they both instill an uncontrollable need for you to get the fuck up and dance. Or, at least jump around and pretend you can fly and stuff. Which if you think about it, isn’t that all dancing really is? Nope, ‘kay.
Alcohol = The Simpsons
Because like alcohol, it’s great. Additionally, like alcohol The Simpsons has become such a staple of our lives we don’t even consider it a cartoon in the same way we don’t consider alcohol a drug. But god knows that without either life would be unimaginable; I mean what would I have written about? Alcohol, The Simpsons and absolutely nothing else has built our modern world, at least they’ve irrefutably built mine.
Yes, like booze The Simpsons simply make life better. But if you imbibe too much of it, say anything past Season 10, it’s gets dicey and you’ll probably just end up sitting there starting to get depressed. You might even throw up too if you watch long enough. For either alcohol or The Simpsons it’s best to know when to quit. Or to just enjoy a little nip every now and then after you reach a certain point.
Cocaine = Archer
Cocaine makes you a lot like the titular character of Archer, zippy, extremely well physically coordinated, and an amazingly arrogant super prick whose smugness and over inflated supernova ego is just one unpredictable mood swing away from transforming you into a hollow, self doubting, lonely asshole. But admittedly, it is pretty funny watching you scurry back and forth between both polar opposites.
Did I mention it also boosts your sexual confidence and eradicates your inhibitions? Wait, am I talking about the show or the drug right now? Does it matter? You’re a suave secret agent with a body so tight and sexy that if they gazed upon it, it would make angels have to touch themselves furiously even though it’s a sin and they also have no genitals and are basically like Ken dolls down there. Point? You don’t have time for points let alone sloppy comparative essays. HAHAHAHAH, wait, why are we all laughing?
Crack = Family Guy
‘Cause crack is whack. Zing! Actually saying zing like that is something the character Stewie actually does. The show was pretty fun before it got cancelled and brought back. Also, I was going to only cover the fun drugs, but when you think about it, what’s more fun than crack?
DMT = Adventure Time
There’s your answer. A psychotropic all you can eat buffet with a soft serve excess stimulation machine on the side. That describes both Adventure Time and DMT. They just fit so perfectly. I pretty sure I’ve seen the clockwork elves, (the often reported hallucinatory figures in many a DMT trip) in an episode of Adventure Time.
This show is like have your soul converted into an Ipod and having God select shuffle. It’s pure candy for your imagination. Just be forewarned, like DMT if you are not mentally prepared for Adventure Time the experience can be a nightmarish. fear soaked, hell toboggan.
LSD = Ren and Stimpy
I think we both know I don’t have to explain this one.
Cartoons are inherently a surreal art form. They create a distorted version of reality and they do so using only mere lines on paper, a camera and the easily tricked naked human eye. Speaking of easily tricked, I will not tell anyone reading this what drugs they should or should not take I will only advise that with all of these substances there are certain rewards and often serious risks. Except for crack, there’s nothing good about crack. The good news though is that with fine animated entertainment such as cartoons the risks are far less serious and the rewards far more certain.