Not so much that we’d like to replace David Furnish as his partner, but we’d at least like a sly kiss from the rocket man.

Over the years, we’ve reinacted some of Elton’s finest moments. From throwing tantrums in airports, re-recording songs for dead princesses, trying to shut down the internet and dressing in stupid clothing, we’ve done it all. Now he’s gone and done something equally as crazy by launching his own line of unique iPods! Is there nothing this man can’t do?

At the moment, a run-of-the-mill bog-standard iPod which is as common as everyone else’s will set you back around £200. In these nutbusting credit-crunching times, it may not have been one of Elton’s finest ideas to introduce a spectacular bejewelled iPod design at £400. Still, he has ensured that the iPods are crazy and unique, just like the creator. Digital Spy reports:

“Sir Elton has ordered 1000 iPods in a range of ten colours, each of which has his signature lasered on the back.”

So you’re probably thinking, “why should I invest?”

a) There are only seven colours in the world – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. Elton John has made his iPods in ten colours – he’s created three new colours! It’ll be like buying a piece of history when he reveals his new oxtronkadon. biazteff and wooper colours.

b) You can use the lasered signature on the iPod to forge cheques for mega expensive items and improve your own crappy life.

c) When Elton dies, it’ll go up in value to at least £500. Then you can look all smug when appearing on The Antiques Roadshow.

A spokesperson for Elton said that his iPods are:

“Extravagant and glamorous just like him.”

If we owned one of these, we wouldn’t like that at all. Instead we’d be petrified that the crystals would fall out and lead a gang of knife-wielding hoodies to our frond door, Hansel And Gretel-style. Could happen.

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With the first one, Elton John really conveyed the majesty of the African Pride Lands. In the second he managed to capture the frustration of living in the north of England under Margaret Thatcher beyond compare, and the final one – well, let’s just say that there has never been a more hilarious, dance-in-the-aisle musical ever written about Ben Stiller getting AIDS.

No, really. Elton John’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller getting AIDS. To be fair, it’s too early to say if the Stiller/John AIDS musical will be the funniest AIDS musical ever made – we hear that Billy Joel’s adapting Philadelphia into a showstopping musical for Jim Carrey, and the song Bumming A Man At The Cinema is supposed to be particularly rib-tickling.

There’s nothing that Elton John can’t do. Nothing. Well, OK, nothing apart from grow his own hair, see properly or react to criticism in a fair and balanced way, but apart from that, Elton John is golden.

He’s a modern-day Renaissance man is what he is – he’s been the chairmen of a football club, the composer of hits like Crocodile Rock, slightly misguided political campaigner and the Elton John-branded smelly candles really are second to none.

But where Elton John arguably shines the brightest is in the world of musicals. The Lion King was the highest-grossing animated movie for several years – not to mention its extended run as a stage musical – Billy Elliot was a similar success and Lestat was… well, The Lion King and Billy Elliot were very good.

And now comes Elton John’s greatest challenge yet – he’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller catching AIDS. And it’s very funny. All right? According to MSNBC, Elton John told GQ:

He’s “got to try and write a film musical for Ben Stiller,” which is, “about a guy on Broadway who is gay, has HIV and AIDS, and has to go back and face his wife and his kids that he left. It’s very funny.” “It wasn’t sounding funny, so far…” his interviewer replied. “No, it’s very funny,” John responded. “The premise doesn’t sound funny, but it is. All right?”

From this snippet of conversation, if any of it is true, it looks like Ben Stiller’s going to try and out-offend everyone who was upset by Tropic Thunder – his most recent film which angered protesters by featuring a man in blackface and a comedy retard. And, to be fair, a musical about a gay man dying of AIDS does sound like it’d be more offensive than Tropic Thunder, at least on paper. But we wouldn’t be too sure.

After all, Tropic Thunder starred Tom Cruise. You can’t get much more offensive than that.

But the thing that Lily Allen and Elton John share more than anything else is a love of a public scrap. Watch Lily or Elton for long enough and you’ll either see a) an extraordinary temper tantrum or b) nothing at all because Lily Allen’s punched your eyes off.

So it made perfect sense that, at last night’s GQ awards, the hosts were Lily Allen and Elton John. And things were going just peachy, at least until Lily Allen got hammered on free champagne and started effing and jeffing at Elton John, who then appeared to boast about how brilliant he was at drugs. Honestly, those two are just like Richard and Judy, only gayer and with one more nipple than you’d expect.

It goes without saying that no man should ever try and list all the things that Lily Allen and Elton John dislike. This is because they’d end up so depressed that they’d probably murder themselves, and also because there isn’t a single thing in the known universe that either Lily Allen or Elton John actually like.

For instance, Elton John hates religion and Lily Allen hates Lindsay Lohan. Elton John hates scruffiness and Lily Allen hates Cheryl Cole. Elton John hates the internet and Lily Allen hates not punching people in the face. We could go on, but there literally isn’t enough space on the internet to do that.

So, knowing how crotchety and temperamental they are, hiring Lily Allen and Elton John to host last night’s GQ awards seems like an act of pure foolhardiness. Or a transparent publicity stunt to try and get people to care about the GQ awards. One or the other.

And guess what – halfway through the ceremony Lily Allen and Elton John started getting mouthy with each other, until a bear came along and started shitting in the woods and everyone got surprised. Here’s The Sun’s take of the exchange:

Lily: “And now to the most important part of the night,”

Elton: “What? Are you going to have another drink?”

Lily: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!”

Elton: “I could still snort you under the table.”

Lily: “Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Come on, that’s hardly an argument – that’s simply a case of simmering sexual tension and nothing more. Lily Allen and Elton John want each other, plain and simple. You can see it in their eyes. It’s electric.

Although maybe we shouldn’t tell Elton John that Lily Allen isn’t actually a bloke yet. It’d only break his poor heart.

Elton John is all of these things, so his say is much louder than someone who is only one or two of those things. And Elton John, he say “Hillary Clinton.”

Elton John has played his New York fundraiser concert for Hillary Clinton, and raised about $2.5 million for her campaign in the process. And then he opened his mouth and said that everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton can go to hell. Which, yes, technically does include Elton John, but he was already going to hell anyway so it doesn’t matter. You can’t write a song like I Am Your Robot and expect to get away with it.

There have been so many celebrity endorsements of the various candidates running for president this year that it’s left us a bit giddy. And celebrity endorsements are just so pointlessly woolly anyway that they’re hardly worth making.

Really, does anyone care who Heidi Montag supports or what Jack Nicholson thinks? And, really, will an endorsement by Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son influence voters one way or another? Actually, OK, yes, Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son probably will influence a lot of voters. You can’t argue with political aptitude like that.

The latest celebrity hoping to tell the public what to think is Elton John. That’s quite a comfortable role for Elton John to take, because he’s always telling us what to think, whether it’s that the internet is stupid or that young people dress badly or that an Elton John-branded scented candle is actually an essential purchase.

And now Elton John is telling people to vote for Hillary Clinton. Elton’s much-anticipated Clinton fundraiser took place last night, and was a rip-roaring success in every conceivable way. Except, you know, the bit where Elton John told everyone to go to hell. Reuters reports:

At the fund-raiser which Clinton’s campaign manager said raised $2.5 million, John said there was no one more qualified to lead the United States into the next era. “Having said that, I never cease to be amazed at the misogynistic attitude of some people in this country. And I say to hell with them. The reason I’m here tonight is to play music, but more importantly as someone who comes from abroad, and is in America quite a lot of the time (and) is extremely interested in the political process because it effects the whole world.”

And Elton John is completely right. Not about the going to hell thing – we’re sure there’s an equally severe punishment for people who don’t vote for Hillary Clinton, like being forced to watch Hillary Clinton’s Sopranos parody again and again. Plus maybe people just want to vote for someone whose chances of securing the Democratic candidacy are a bit less statistically near-impossible.

But, anyway, Elton John was right about the result of the US election having an effect on the whole world.

In fact, the world changes a little bit every time that any country changes governments. So hopefully Elton John will be ready to fight the good fight when the Republic of Palau has its presidential election on November 4. Nothing hypes up them Palauians more than a quick burst of I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself, you know.

Read more:

Clinton supporter Elton John laments U.S. misogyny – Reuters

And since the only British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano player with vision problem in existence is Elton John, we must mean him. Elton John is throwing down on the side of Hillary Clinton, and is holding a fundraising concert in New York next month to prove it.

No doubt Elton John's concert will raise a lot of money for Hillary Clinton – it'll basically be the same as his Las Vegas show, but with all the glamour and sex replaced with hectoring speeches about immigration reform. Good old Elton, always giving the people what they want.

The race to become the Democratic candidate in this year's general election isn't going to won or lost with speeches or debates or detailed policy explanations. No. It's already become clear that the Democratic candidate this year will be chosen by celebrities.

And that's right and just and true, because people get sad when celebrities die and they'll barely even notice when you die. Plus your wife would leave you for Ben Affleck in a second, but you don't stand a stinking chance of even ever getting within 250 feet of Jennifer Garner.

And the race to gather the most celebrity endorsements is spookily echoing the actual voting. Barack Obama has more celebrity endorsements, but they're all from rubbish celebrities like The Grateful Dead and Robert DeNiro and Zach Braff and Jessica Biel. Meanwhile, every time it looks as if Hillary Clinton is falling fatally behind in the celebrity endorsement race she'll slam back into contention with a video by a scary old megastar like Jack Nicolson.

And now Hillary Clinton might just be edging ahead, because she's convinced Elton John to play a fundraising concert for her in New York next month even though hes not even American, as the Washington Post reveals:

The British pop icon — who was knighted by HM Queen Elizabeth II — announced today he will be performing to raise money at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser April 9 at Radio City Music Hall in New York… Elton John sent an e-mail today alerting Clinton supporters to the planned performance, including a pricing schedule that will include two tiers of showgoers, those who buy box office seats at $125 or $250, and those who grab choice seats at prices of $500, $1,000 or $2,300 — the maximum allowed for a campaign contribution.

Radio City Music Hall seats 6,000, so there's bound to be a lot of money raised for the Hillary Clinton election effort. However, let's not forget that the Hillary Clinton campaign will have to pay to stage the show itself – and once Elton John has his dressing room filled with flowers and candles and fountains and chocolate statues of himself, we wouldn't exactly be surprised if Hillary Clinton ends up so poor that she has to hitchhike to Pennsylvania next month in return for several grisly handjobs.

But, aside from the short-term financial impact of the concert, will the support of Elton John – a foreigner who hasn't had a US number one for 17 years – help gather up more voters for Hillary Clinton? Hardly – at this point, voters have already hardered into staunch support for either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Sure, there might be a few remaining swing voters around, but none of them will vote until they know who Lindsay Lohan wants to win.

Read more:

Elton John to Croon for Clinton – Washington Post