Modern society, we’re so advanced aren’t we? With our two-in-one shampoo and conditioner and trendy high street café’s selling luxury iced coffee! Really, we’ve never had it so good. But all of this pampering has left us soft as a nation.

Back in the days of the Vikings and Romans, heated disputes were usually sorted with a punch-up whilst a baying crowd watched until one opponent cried blood.

Now feuding people take to media to vent their rage. If you’re Elton John, an American TV show to talk about Madonna, specifically.

Earlier this month, Madonna bagged an award in the best song category at the Golden Globe ceremony. We’ve heard neither track so have no feeling towards them. Rest assured though, we think they’re both terrible.

However, trophy-whore Elton wasn’t best pleased and didn’t disguise his displeasure at the result. Now he’s bringing out the bitchy comments ahead of Madonna’s Super Bowl performance on Sunday; get the handbags ready!

Sometimes it’s difficult to take Elton John seriously. After all, he is a fan of stupid clothing and this time proved no different. During this particular interview, he was dressed as a monarch. We’re not sure if he’d just been to Burger King and got into character, but none the less, he looked like an utter tit.

See for yourself.

Clearly still chewing on a bunch of sour grapes, Elton had the following to say about Madonna’s upcoming halftime performance at the Super Bowl:

“Make sure you lip-synch good. I’ve never seen a decent one. Never ever. You have to play live, but I don’t think you can. In all fairness to everyone who’s done one before, you may be able to sing live, but it’s really hard to play live.”

Hmm, we’re not entirely sure what Elton John wants Madonna to do. Perhaps he wants her to revisit her glory days when she tried to act sexy and wriggled around in various bondage outfits. But this won’t happen on two counts. Firstly, Madonna is old and saggy like a deflated dog-chew and, Americans get scared of naked flesh. Remember this?

WARNING PEOPLE TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA! DON’T SUE US IF YOU SEE THE NAKED BODYPART AT THE END OF THE VIDEO, OKAY?

Even though American football is for girls due to the amount of padding they use, we do have to give them some respect for the shows they put on.

In proper rugby where there’s no soft protective helmets or extra thick layers of clothing so nobody catches a cold, there isn’t a halftime spectacle to watch. The six nation halftime break has no excitement, at best, there’s a scramble as fans run to the burger kiosk to battle it out for that last remaining fattening treat.

Come Sunday evening, Madonna will be prancing around in clothes that she nicked from her daughters’ wardrobe whilst Elton John and his man wife David Furnish throw nacho hats at the TV in disgust.

Poor them.

Only the mysterious hecklerspray phantom bothered reporting on the 69th annual Golden Globe ceremony that took place on Sunday evening. Of course, we were ready to take multiple notes on the ceremony and present you with a factual article about the winners, losers and which actress had slopped gravy down their dress.

However, broadcaster E! decided that viewers in the UK weren’t allowed to watch the actual ceremony. Instead of seeing Ricky Gervais offend Hollywood’s elite, viewers were instead treated to endless repeat of an advert featuring Kim Kardashian getting out a helicopter. If they couldn’t be bothered, then neither could we.

So, we still don’t know what happened at the Golden Globes. Nobody injured themselves from what we gather (shame), but following the ceremony, it looks like a bitchfest has kicked off between Mrs. Elton John and Mr. Madonna. A case of sour grapes after losing out in an awards category? Or a bout of jealousy because Madonna bagged herself the sparkly orphan that they both wanted?

Both Elton John and Madonna were nominated in the “Best Original Song” category at the Golden Globes. Other people probably were also there, but let’s be honest, none of them really had a chance did they?

Elton was hoping that his song Hello Hello would win, though it appeared in the appallingly titled film ‘Gnomeo and Juliet’ and therefore didn’t deserve any shred of credibility. Madonna won the award with her single Masterpiece, a song that appeared in her own film ‘W.E.’ We only assume this is a big screen Hollywood tale of the Nintendo Wii console.

Did Elton John take defeat graciously? Not particularly, instead of doing the mild mannered clapping thing, he decided to sit motionlessly and look like a man with a face resembling a rejected prune who also happens to be wearing a subbuteo football as an earring.

Look at his miserable face in Madonna’s speech around the 1.07 mark:

So how did his man wife David Furnish react? In a calm, controlled and sensible matter? Don’t be stupid, Furnish is only human and he did what we’d all do in a time of sadness and anger; took to Facebook. No doubt he’ll blame the free bar at one of the Golden Globes after parties, but at the time he posted the following status:

“Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!!”

Don’t ever go messing with David Furnish, the boy knows how to spout his anger. Check out all of that punctuation. He must mean business. We can only imagine that his fingernails have been sharpened as he prepares to get all up in Madonna’s business and trade insults until he’s ran out of diva quips. Furnish continued his temper tantrum by commenting:

“Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism.”

Surely Elton John and David Furnish didn’t think they’d walk this category did they? Oh wait, it looks like someone got a little cocky before the event even started with Elton saying:

“Madonna had “no fucking chance” of beating him in the category.”

Setting a lovely, lovely example to their new child aren’t they?

Sir Elton John, formerly bald, is planning to make a film about his life. And boy what a life! All that having sex and taking drugs! The travelling around the world! The outfits! That bit when he wrote that song.

The trips to the hairdressers too! Amazing.

And so, talking about this flick, Elt’ has named Justin Timberlake as his “number one” choice. They do look like each other don’t they? No. Not at all. That’s the answer you’re looking for.

Yeah. You heard.

Elton John (real name Method Man) is moving forward with his plans to turn his life into a movie-musical with a little help from his film producer partner David Furnish and Billy Elliot writer Lee Hall.

The Rocketman movie is going to tell the story of Elton’s life and career through his music. Obviously, he didn’t write the words for his songs, but y’know, it’ll do.

And Sir Elton wants Justin Timberlake to tackle the lead role.

He told the LA Times:

“(It is) very much in the works. We’re making an announcement about that very, very soon. We have a director on board, and then it’s just going to be a matter of getting the script exactly the way we want it…

“I’ve got a wish list of people (for the lead role). Number one on my wish list is Justin Timberlake, because he played me before in a David LaChapelle video… and was superb.”

Watch it here and try and work out what’s going on with Timberlake’s jaw and teeth.

It has been 8 months now, since we all obligingly sat down with a couple of friends, some choice lunch meats, and self loathing, and watched Matt Cardle furiously leaking into his corduroy jeans.

Oh, and won X Factor 2010.

Some would say the healing process after viewing this will need a considerably longer time frame. Every daily tabloid feature for the entire of 2011 would possibly argue otherwise. Yes, that’s it. X Factor is certifiably, and unequivocally ‘BACK’. Which is just as well, because the hysteria over rivals down at C5 Celebrity Big Brother completely died the moment Kerry Katona earnestly admitted to Brian Dowling that her ‘life has been a rollercoaster’.

But if you truly have been soaking your brain in balsamic vinegar since ‘When We Collide’ hit Number 1 last December and have absolutely no idea where Cheryl Cole is, or listened to Katie Waissel’s solo single on the Alan Titchmarsh show – then here is the drill on what the 2011 UK series eventually settled to be. (And yes, Katie Waissel’s solo single on the Alan Titchmarsh show did involve the phrase ‘Shoop Shoop De Langalang’, now that you ask.)

Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue are out. Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland, and Tulisa InstanbulnotConstantinople are in. Louis Walsh is still there. Except he actually IS a sex pest now. And before you start harping on about how the charges were dropped, just remember that they also dropped the charges on a Japanese cannibal who wrote an open confession on how he killed and ate a woman once.  Not that any of this will stop ITV1 cramming in another 4 million pounds to beam a 3D hologram of Simon Cowell to provide a variety of coy homosexual jibes for Louis every week of the live shows. Probably. That ‘joke’ will die with us all.

As we enter into the haven of choirs, bright lights and panning shots of mass gangbangs up and down the UK in the opening titles, we discover immediately that ITV1 have decided to go about this giant exile from the US business in the healthy, British way of dealing with things. By lying to themselves and everybody else. The most amazing part of this, is their decision of entitling the incredibly strange collection of new judges as ‘the next generation’. ITV1, please GOD, show a little decorum. Do you understand how much time and therapy and dry humping we had to endure to get over the whole Sugababes thing?

As expected, Gary Barlow fills the void of Simon Cowell, and presumably also X Factor’s bottomless Take That quota. (Like that time they appeared in the last year’s live final three times when nobody asked, par exémple.)

Tulisa is of course there to accommodate the gaping urban crevasse that Cheryl brutally left behind, lest the whole Cher Lloyd thing SOMEHOW doesn’t work out. Louis Walsh, as we half-heartedly established some time earlier has somehow managed to become the only original judge standing. Possibly through violent sexual threats. Because he is a serial rapist now, if you remember.

ALSO – Kelly Rowland is also there. Because sometimes, Kelly Rowland just has to be there.

So a Cowell-less X Factor. Surely a more optimistic place, a sanctuary of promising talent, or as Dermot is constantly saying whilst revolving manically on the spot – time to face something that vaguely represents music?

The first contestant is a teenage boy who has the exact formation of hair flicks as Alex Turner from 2007. Also, he has a penis.

Not a great start.

With all the sexual charisma of a Louis Walsh basement party (Which would’ve been funny in 2010, but now of course is a sensitive matter due to all that whole Sadist Cult thing he apparently founded) he saunters on stage, sings a fucking Zutons song in the most terrible way imaginable, and then shows his arse crack to the world. Which has tattoos of women’s names on it. Because this gentleman has had sex with some women. And how else was he going to prove it? Luckily, because this show is all about the music now, he gets through. Because sometimes, pop music actually is about having your conquests names inked on to your Gluteus Maximus in a lovely Lucinda Handwriting style of font, so shut up.

By this point in the programme, it has been 21 minutes and we’ve seen one person perform so far. The updated Talk Talk adverts are a grave disappointment also. But, it’s early days yet, and things could still improve. After all, with time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes satin, does it not?

Next up, is a outrageous bint of a woman called Kitty. Kitty has about 1800 faces on top of her regular face, enjoys pleather, and being an idiot called Kitty.

Kitty saunters up to the judges with her blonde hair, and her confidence, and her incredibly clever idea of singing a Lady Gaga song acapella. (Quick note to confused music fans: You may have noticed pop music of this kind of calibre tends to have music attached on to the back of it. What Kitty has cleverly deduced in some sort of bizzare John Lennon-esque twist, is to sing the song WITHOUT the music.) Then, if she wasn’t horrifyingly original and unique enough, she tells the judges about how she’s had a terrible life, because her friends couldn’t get the day off work and come and see her perform or something. And we’ve got to say, in all seriousness, we know here at hecklerspray, we like to have a little chuckle at people’s expenses sometimes. But in this respect, Kitty’s problems really put it into perspective that some of the people on these shows actually use those sort of stories for their OWN PERSONAL GAIN, so we’d just like to draw attention to that, if we may. Like that guy whose wife died, and then sang Tom Jones’ It’s not Unusual, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Disgusting.

The montages continue thick and fast. It becomes apparent to Kelly Rowland that the UK is a bit different to the US, and is consequently amazed by everything, including the degree of shininess of her own fringe. Unless that’s just the cocaine, of course. Gary Barlow pretends that he has musical integrity (He co-wrote a song with Natasha Bedingfield) and gets his own personal montage where ITV1 sufficiently ram it into our heads that he is supposed to be ‘the mean one’. So just in case you’re still confused, we’ll just quickly run through it one more time, just to make sure we understand.

This is not the well known singer Gary Barlow from Take That, who wears scarves and coats sometimes like a regular human being. This is Gary Barlow, the meanest bastard on reality television. Like Craig Revel Harwood, or the one with alopecia from Dancing on Ice. Or some other tyrannical, square-haired, cock-thirsty talent show judge. Absolutely no idea who. Shame we’re in a convent where we can’t use Google.

There’s a beautiful intermission period in amongst the pointless phone-in competition and the continuous wide shots of riot-addled major cities where a fundamentally mental woman called Goldie Cheung comes on stage and encapsulates a beautiful Grace Jones/Ke$ha hybrid performance piece whilst vomiting profusely into a Morisson’s bag. Meanwhile, BBC4 is being axed.

The main focus for tonight’s opening show however (Because it’s definitely not the judges, who are probably too boring to even try and catch malaria, right?) is 16 year old Janet Devlin, (or ‘Janis Joplin’ as everyone horrifically  keep appearing to be saying) because she’s been on the news. Well, you know. It’s been a slow news year. She sings songs on the internet, if you dare to dream of such a thing. We of course, just thought YouTube was some sort of transport system in the south of England, so what do we know, eh?

Okay, we do know this. If you didn’t think life could get more jarringly twee than an Ellie Goulding cover of Your Song – why not try a 16 year old in a cardigan singing an Ellie Goulding cover of ‘Your Song’ instead? Okay, fine – obviously the fact she doesn’t brush her hair is so unbelievably madcap you’d think she was out of a Leslie Neilson movie or something. But ultimately, there is nothing quite as horrible as four people congratulating an impressionable teenager for being ‘unique’.  Since when did being a limp little girl musically come back into fashion, anyway? Even Kate Nash stopped wearing plaid dresses once someone for the love of mankind thrusted a Le Tigre record in her face. Just awful.

Obviously our own ‘personal highlight’ of the show was the ending, which closes upon a very upset young man who doesn’t sing very well at all calling Tulisa IstanbulnotConstantinople ‘a dog’ without a shadow of remorse.  THEN – in a moment of pure Orson Welles-esque brilliance, Dermot tells him to ‘watch his mouth’. Yeah. You can keep your malaria, and your trousers, Simon Cowell. You may be in the US with your sexy Herve Leger-clad prostitutes and tall T4 presenters, but we’ve got something you’ll never have. Badly educated men with anti-social behaviour issues.

Tune in next week, where Louis Walsh cries for non-Freudian reasons, Tulisa and Kelly put their arms up at the same time, and absolutely NOBODY releases a song called ‘Put the Needle On It’. Next up on ITV1, Chris Tarrant legitimately tries to get on board with a show entitled ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire Soapstar?’ – which in all frankness doesn’t even work on the level of an oxymoron now, does it?

Until then!

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John Lennon once sang “Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can?” Well actually, we can’t. We love rockstars and the daft things that define them. What would Lady GaGa be without her myriad of oddball possessions? Natasha Bedingfield, that’s who… and no-one wanted her in the first place.

And so, after seeing the little commercial spots during the Brit Awards coverage, where popstars talked about what was priceless to them – in the case of Lulu, a rather dazzling sequinned jacket, or the Ting Tings giving away their first guitar and such – we got thinking about our favourite things that popstars have.

Think about Slash without a top hat or Michael Jackson without a spangly glove or monkey? They become a bit rubbish don’t they?

If you missed the Brits, and in turn, missed our astonishingly brilliant liveblog (you monsters), you won’t know what we’re talking about.

So, have a look at this advert that Mastercard popped in their coverage of the Brit Awards 2011 and have a think about which items you love that help define a popstar.

Here’s our list of favourites (which we’ll almost immediately regret because we forgot a whole bunch of ace ones)

Flava Flav’s Clock

Flava Flav isn’t the best rapper in the world. He’s not even the best rapper in Public Enemy. However, he’s the largest character in rap. If it wasn’t for his amusingly large clock, no-one would remember his name. Not least Brigitte Nielsen who bafflingly had a bit of a thing with him.

John Lennon’s Glasses

John Lennon may have imagined no possessions, but what would he be if it wasn’t for his Rickenbacker guitar, his white piano or his famous spectacles. If you see a pair of basic, round-rimmed specs, you immediately think “Lennon glasses!” They were especially useful in later years because, well, he looked stupid without them on.

Elton John’s Donald Duck Outfit

Ah. Elton John. Here’s a man who doesn’t mind owning a whole buncha stuff. The best thing he’s owned is his Donald Duck outfit which he actually wore in public. This Donald Duck get-up only just beats his wig for the top spot in our fave Elton possession.

Johnny Cash’s Entirely Black Wardrobe

The Man In Pastel Colours doesn’t have the same gravitas as Johnny Cash’s nickname, The Man In Black. His attire matched his earthy growl and often bleak subject matter in his songs. Murder, death, poverty and criminal behaviour wouldn’t really go down as well if he performed in pink slacks and a lemon yellow golfing sweater.

Arthur Brown’s Fire Hat

Arthur Brown had one hit. It was called ‘Fire’. And so, to cement him into our psyche, he set his head on fire. In the early days, scorching hot oil would run down his back while performing. Makes Justin Bieber’s stupid haircut look a bit pointless now, eh?

Elvis Presely’s Jumpsuit

Elvis, in his youth, was a devastatingly attractive chap. Look at the pictures of him in the ’68s Comeback Special in his leathers, and he’s all sex… enough to make a straight man aroused. However, the most enduring Elvis is the tubby, kung-fu one that strutted the boards of Vegas in a Nudie jumpsuit. Nudie made all the outfits for the country singers, but the caped jumpsuits that Elvis wore will always be his most famous creation.

Madonna’s Bra

Even now, after a career that has spanned millennia, Madonna is still known for her Gaultier pointy bra. If you want to go to a fancy dress party as Madge, you don’t don a purple leotard, but rather, jam two ice-creams on your chest and stick a bent straw in your hair. Easy.

Devo’s Hats

Devo would forever be forgotten as Some Arty Band if it wasn’t for their peculiar dress sense. Even McDonald’s ripped the group off with a Happy Meal toy! The Pet Shop Boys also aped Devo with weird wardrobe decisions in the ’90s.

Kiss’s Make-up Bag

Kiss are just another pedestrian stadium rock band that have two or three famous records that you recognise on a night out. However, they had a secret that saw them eclipsing other, similar bands – a make-up bag! So whether you’re done up like a cat or some weird lightning flash demi-god, the Kiss look is immediate. And brilliant.

The Bloke From Dr Hook’s Eye Patch

Seriously. He’d be a nobody if he wasn’t a cyclops.

Why not add your own in the comments and tell us how stupid we are for forgetting a whole bunch of people?

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Much has already been said about the Andy Gray and Richard Keys story, with Charlie Brooker supplying one of more interesting slants on it, but we would like to point out The Sun’s sweetly optimistic approach to it on  Monday, the day after Andy’s original on-air gaffe and was tucked away on page ten in a teeny article sharing a column with a three line article about falling prices in Portugal.

The incident was treated more like something from a television out-takes show than the final piece in the trinity* of inconvenience that’s got Murdoch’s News International into a bit of a tizz.

The story was over- he had apologised and everyone was laughing about it whilst slapping the arses of passing waitresses by lunchtime. Unfortunately, the same day the Daily Mail, those masters of creating broadcasting controversies from the sparsest of ingredients, dedicated page 3 to it, and a shitstorm was born.

By Friday, the Mail were tiring of the backlash, so created the backlash of the backlash with a photograph of Richard Keys’ wife (every inch a woman Mail readers would be able to relate to) serving cake to journalists whilst dismissing the story as just ‘boys being boys’.

One of our favourite pastimes is watching the tabloids squirming when they have a story with reactionary ingredients but for some reason can’t quite bring themselves to stir it up themselves. They’ll write articles and litter it with inflammatory clues, and just pray the public decides to be outraged without the usual encouragement.

For instance the Daily Mail have dedicated a disproportionate amount of coverage to Jonathan Ross announcing (well, mentioning at least) that his daughter is a lesbian. Rather irritatingly for them, he did so in a casually dignified way.

The Mail have since repeatedly found new angles on the story whilst hoping that it’s controversial, or even just newsworthy, by virtue of having the words “Jonathan”, “Ross” and “lesbian” in it.

Or take their uncharacteristically unopinionated coverage of Elton John adopting. You would think that they were big supporters of gay adoption. That didn’t seem to be much in evidence on Monday’s page 14. On the left-hand side the editorial, in response to a Barnado’s report that white couples are prevented from adopting babies from ethnic backgrounds, the paper preached that…

“all that should truly matter is the ability of the adoptive parents to a stable, caring and secure home”.

On the right hand side of the page Melanie Phillips was less hesitant about condemning organisations putting an agenda above the welfare of children. In her piece she explained very clearly for those of us unfortunate enough to have a sense of perspective, that Catholic adoption agencies being forced to cease their policy of not allowing gays and lesbians to adopt was evidence of homosexuals being “the new McCarthyites”. **

So is it that they are scared of Elton John’s hissy fits, lawyers, or his Mail-reading fans? Either way, there’s a lot of fun to be had watching the paper acting like a prude on a nudist beach frantically looking around confused at why no-one else seems outraged.

Headline of the week that bore no relation to reality goes to The Star for…

“Alex and Andre unite against Jordan- Cage-fighter joins fellow ex-hubby Pete”.

This strategic alliance simply consisted of Alex Reid refusing to comment on his separation from Jordan. The conclusion being that this was, y’know, kinda like the way Pete cares about the kids, so they are therefore “united in keeping their dignity”. That’s the dignity shared by a (bad) transvestite, reality TV-starring topless model-marrying cage fighter and a tabloid-courting reality TV-starring, topless model-marrying ex-pop star. Rosa Parks ain’t got nothing on those boys. Either way, hats off to The Star for basing a front page story around a ‘no comment’.

…and finally…

Childish headlines about Ed Balls that the Daily Mail’s copy editor must have been really tempted to drop words from

Monday- “Miliband urged to rein in aggressive Ed Balls”

Tuesday- “’Explosion warning’ over Balls and Miliband”***

*= the other two being the proposed buying of the remaining shares in Sky, and the News of the World phone-hacking scandal.

**= sorry for the patronising link to McCarthyism, but it seems unfair that you can’t fully enjoy the irony of this story just because you weren’t paying attention that day in history.

***= whist  Balls is the surname of a Labour politician, it is also slang for testicles. Thus exploding and/or aggressive balls is funny.

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Let us be the last people on Earth to actually get ’round to mentioning Elton John’s new baby boy shall we? Congratulation Elton. You’ll be covered in Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John’s faeces in no time at all.

Of course, we’re very progressive on hecklerspray and think it is just great that the world has come such a long way that homosexuals now have the equal right to child induced misery as straight folks. Why should straight people be the only ones to have their lives utterly ruined by children?

Anyway, Elton and David Furnish have now got a crying swine in their lives, leaving people to make lazy observational jokes like ‘Har har! Which one is mother then?’ Well, the answer is David Furnish is the mother. So there. It’s all there in black and white.

That’s right. On the documentation for Zachary Million Names John, Furnish has been named the “mother” with Elton (real name Cliff Richard) down as dad.

Of course, this saw us believing briefly that Elton had thrown a massive hissy fit and forced Furnish into sewing a pig’s womb into his stomach and carry the baby around inside it for a week or two, culminating in some horrendous birth-theatre where Furnish was to go into a faux labour and push out the child while screaming in agony as Elton attached jump-leads to the thin film of colon skin, just to make the anguished howls as authentic as possible.

Alas, the real story is much more boring. The child was born on Christmas Day to a surrogate mother in California.

And how is Elton celebrating being a new father? Well, he’s doing what any loving parent would do and pissing off on a six month tour of the world. Aww. That’s what we call doting. We suppose that Elton has to raise funds to pay for the vast army of childcare staff who will raise this child. Still, we bet he’s over the moon.

Naturally, some dick threw his oar in. The meddling dick in question is called Norman Wells, director of Family and Youth Concern, who said:

“There is a concern that the child will be treated as a commodity.

“The amount of travelling they do does raise the question as to why they would want a child if they are not going to be at home to care for it.”

We’re assuming that Norman made similar comments about other famous people who have children and go on tour, rather than singling out Elton John because he’s a gay. And yes, even though we made the same point earlier, we’re happy to state that we would have made that joke about Bono if he were able to sire children without arousing himself without staring at photos of his own face.

Anyway, in practical terms, this all leads to two important points. The first is that birth certificates in gay surrogacy cases can be changed from “mother” and “father” to Parent 1 and Parent 2 on request, which is nice. Secondly, is that Elton John is clearly a tight fisted shit because he had a child born on Christmas Day which means he only has to buy his new child presents once a year.

Git.

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Elton John is good value for money because he’s an outspoken old bitch. Over the years, he’s glammed up his work with a variety of outlandish outfits and even more unbelievable wigs. And now, he’s making ridiculous claims about pop music.

This is despite the fact he did a duet with insipid boy-bland, Blue.

In his attack on the music industry, he said that today’s songwriters were “awful” and warned that television talent shows failed to produce any genuine stars. Weird he should say that when The X Factor is primarily a television show as opposed to a breeding ground for musical talent. It’s a bit like slagging someone off for buying, say, Watford FC and moaning about the fact they don’t produce decent footballers.

Sir Elton has claims that singers expect instant fame and are not able to deal with the demands of the industry. God forbid anyone should enter the shark pit of the music business and go a bit mental, like, for instance, spending £1.5million per month on piss-all, hoovering up huge amounts of cocaine in a private jet and going on a 2 year bender with John Lennon and Harry Nilsson.

Of course, Elton John wants to point out that he had a hard paper round before he hit big, pointing out that artists need to experience “hard graft” if they were to make it in the long term.

Sir Elton also slated musicians for not writing their own material.

“It’s important they write their own songs, so they’re not at the mercy of anyone. Songwriters today are pretty awful, which is why everything sounds the same. Contemporary pop isn’t very inspiring.”

That’s coming from a man who has all his lyrics written for him by Bernie Taupin and has done covers of songs by The Beatles and The Who.

Of course, this imagined terrible state of pop music is thanks to the music industry’s reliance on shows like The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent.

“I’m not a fan of talent shows. I probably wouldn’t have lasted if I’d gone on one. It’s become boring .?.?. brain crippling. I like Simon Cowell but what he does is TV entertainment.

“There have been some good acts but the only way to sustain a career is to pay your dues in small clubs. I was in a band at 17, became a songwriter with Bernie Taupin and wasn’t successful until we’d had six years of hard graft and disappointment, as well as great times.”

Elton added:

“TV vaults you to superstardom and then you have to back it up, which is hard. Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke are at the mercy of the next song they can get.”

Yeah. We all long for a golden period of pop again. Like the ’60s perhaps, when 99% of the acts on Motown didn’t write their own songs and provided us with some of the most fun records in the history of everything, ever. Or maybe we could all hark back to that stretch from 1964 to 1976 when every single band was basing their music on 12 bar blues in an appalling state of formula.

We miss those good ol’ days, right?

Of course, no-one could ever accuse Elton John of being formulaic. Listen to tracks like ‘Tiny Dancer’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘Levon’, ‘Candle In The Wind’ and that bollocks he did for The Lion King, and there’s not much between them. If we were to use the same broad brush-strokes as Elton, then we could simply dismiss his back catalogue as ‘a bunch of ballads played on the piano’.

Elton John (real name Ricardo Montalban) does like to pick on pop music though and he’s got previous with The X Factor.

A couple of years ago he described it as a “cruise ship show” as well as saying that he’d rather be attacked by an alsatian than tune in. That’s not to say he didn’t enjoy the increase in sales when acts on the show performed his songs, which he personally gave the green light to.

We’re in the middle of a period where rock music is utterly devoid of life and pop music is just about the only genre that’s working at the moment. Give us Lady GaGa, Beyonce, Katy Perry and Girls Aloud over the dubious, hamfisted talents of an ageing piano player without a decent tune to his name since the ’70s.

THANKS.

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Without its gleam-toothed, bumpube-haired talisman Simon Cowell, American Idol has found itself in a muddle.

What happens now? Can American Idol survive? Can it bank on Randy Jackson to speak in full sentences from now on? Or Ellen DeGeneres to stop being so tediously nice all the time? Or Kara DioGuardi to finally work out what her point is? Probably not. And that’s why they might all be getting sacked quite soon.

If reports are to be believed, former American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe might be about to return to the show. And if that happens, it’s expected that his first move will involve firing Randy, Ellen and Kara and bringing in Justin Timberlake, Elton John and Usher as judges. No word on who’ll replace Ryan Seacrest, though. He is being replaced, right? Oh, say that he’s being replaced.

Great news! American Idol is going to be all change this year. Literally every single thing about it will be completely different.

Alright, not every single thing. It’ll still probably be a singing competition. And a handful of singers will progress much further than they deserve to because of some awful family tragedy. And it’ll still be filled with a suffocating level of shamelessly indiscreet product placement. But the judges will definitely all be completely different. Returning American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe is definitely about to sack the three remaining judges and replace them with more famous ones. Mercury News reports:

Reports said Tuesday that Lythgoe will shake things up if he returns. He is said to favor canning the judge’s panel and bringing in A-list entertainers such as Elton John, Justin Timberlake and Usher as replacements. He’s even reportedly interested in wooing departed judge Paula Abdul back to the fold.

You see? It’s all go. You can’t stop progress like this. On this year’s American Idol Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres will definitely be out and Elton John, Justin Timberlake and Usher will definitely be in. Definitely.

Except that Justin Timberlake has unequivocally said that he doesn’t want to judge American Idol, and everyone thinks that Elton John will cost too much to hire, and Randy Jackson and Ellen DeGeneres are still under contract with American Idol, and Nigel Lythgoe doesn’t even work for American Idol yet.

But aside from that… oh, who are we kidding, it’ll be exactly the same old crap that it is every year. Sorry for wasting your time.

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Quickly, what was Elton John’s last non-Billy Elliott single called? Oh, come on, you must know. It had pianos in it.

Remember? It was performed in the style of a slowly-deflating walrus. No? Fine then, we’ll tell you – it was Turn The Lights Out When You Leave. Remember how it goes? Oh, who are we kidding – nor do we. Nor does anyone. Nor does Elton John, probably.

And that’s probably why Elton John has announced that he’s quitting pop music. Only pop music, mind you – he says that from now on he’ll only make music that fits his age. Elton’s next single – a cover version of the Steptoe And Son theme-tune played on dinosaur bones and a malfunctioning intensive care ventilator – is expected to be released soon.

Music has been a bit of a side-line for Elton John over the last five years. It’s something that he’s put on the back-burner, preferring to concentrate on little things like throwing tantrums and selling candles and making giant chocolate statues of himself. But the good news is that Elton John is BACK! Sort of.

As sad as it is to say – especially because nobody wants to see Elton John riding around on a BMX and singing about Facebook in Justin Bieber wig more than us – Elton John has announced that he isn’t interested in pop music any more. He’s got a new album out this year, but it’s apparently going to be full of things like gospel and country and skiffle and dust or something. And don’t expect any singles from him, either. Digital Spy reports:

Elton said: “In the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, the record companies said you had to have a single. I think I’ve fulfilled my brief. I don’t have to make pop records any more. The singles chart is not one I’m going to be in very often any more, so my view is to make records that fit my age. I don’t think I’m going to do ‘Crocodile Rock’ any more.”

This, we feel, is a mistake. Elton John shouldn’t make records that fit his age. Elton John should make records that fit the age of someone about ten years younger than he is. Because a record that truly reflects his age would be awful – there’d be songs called things like If That Ball Comes Over My Fence Again I’ll Put A Bloody Knife Through It and I Have A Prostate The Size Of A Watermelon, plus you wouldn’t be able to hear any of it because his TV would be on full volume in the background. And it’d smell funny.

Still, no more Crocodile Rock at least. Don’t say that Elton John doesn’t know how to treat his fans right.

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Religion. Is it really the work of a few select individuals who carefully recorded what their various prophets said?

Or did the subsequent writings which form The Bible, The Quran and The Torah come as a result from a binge on hallucinogenic mushrooms? We couldn’t possibly comment, but we do know that some Christians don’t believe in dinosaurs. Haven’t they seen Jurassic Park?

Back when most religious texts where written, they all came to the conclusion that gays were evil. But we all know those views are so 2000AD. Why haven’t the church done a 2010 remix version of The Bible? You know, one that accepts gays in to society. We don’t hang them any more. Nowadays they are allowed to drive, own pets and even have jobs. Just like Elton John. He’s openly gay and makes nice piano based songs. Why wouldn’t the church like him? Perhaps calling senior prophet Jesus H. Christ gay doesn’t help. Silly Elton.

We are shocked at the allegations stated by Elton John. After all, we read The Bible when we were at school and didn’t feel any gayer as a result. But what about the story of Genesis, where a naked man and woman wandered around talking to evil snakes? If anything, it seemed like a warped version of Disney’s The Jungle Book. But how we were to tell any different?

So what exactly did Elton John say to upset various members of the God squad? In an interview with US magazine Parade, he was supposed to have said that Jesus was a:

“Compassionate, super intelligent gay man who understood human problems”.

As a result, various Christian do-gooders have gotten a little bit angry with the comments and retorted. We doubt Jesus is spinning due to the comments, but director of right-wing US Christian group Christian Voice Stephen Green dismissed the claim as rubbish. He then added:

“The Bible says Jesus was without sin and that rules out homosexuality. This is a desperate cry for attention”.

But what if Elton John is right? Are the Christians simply trying to drown him out with angry tuts? Have the supposed experts missed a few obvious gaytastic traits that Jesus possessed? Let us explain:

1 – Jesus’ posse of friends were known as his disciples. However, all of them were men. That’s right, this means he spent all day in the company of twelve men. Of course, this was perfect for talking about tits and having no women around to stop them playing football. But don’t men get urges of the sexual kind? Who knows what manly feelings got expressed. This could have easily led to many gay orgies.

2 – Apart from Jesus, we all know David Blaine is quite good at doing all sorts of mental illusions. However, the most famous magic trick Jesus did was turning water and bread in to wine and fish. Hello! Wine and fish? What about lager and steak? Everyone knows only gay men drink wine and eat fish.

3 – When Jesus wasn’t curing the sick or walking on water, his daytime job was to make tables and fix chairs. After all, he was a carpenter. But working long hours in the baking sun would make him hot and sweaty, forcing him to take off his top and arouse his work apprentice Dave. This is the stuff of gay porn!

So, when should we expect the phonecall to start rewriting The Bible for a post modern generation? We promise not to include any Catholic-style priest-on-choirboy action. Unless we do get permission for a XXX version.

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Of all the gays in the world, we love Elton John the best.

Not so much that we’d like to replace David Furnish as his partner, but we’d at least like a sly kiss from the rocket man.

Over the years, we’ve reinacted some of Elton’s finest moments. From throwing tantrums in airports, re-recording songs for dead princesses, trying to shut down the internet and dressing in stupid clothing, we’ve done it all. Now he’s gone and done something equally as crazy by launching his own line of unique iPods! Is there nothing this man can’t do?

At the moment, a run-of-the-mill bog-standard iPod which is as common as everyone else’s will set you back around £200. In these nutbusting credit-crunching times, it may not have been one of Elton’s finest ideas to introduce a spectacular bejewelled iPod design at £400. Still, he has ensured that the iPods are crazy and unique, just like the creator. Digital Spy reports:

“Sir Elton has ordered 1000 iPods in a range of ten colours, each of which has his signature lasered on the back.”

So you’re probably thinking, “why should I invest?”

a) There are only seven colours in the world – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. Elton John has made his iPods in ten colours – he’s created three new colours! It’ll be like buying a piece of history when he reveals his new oxtronkadon. biazteff and wooper colours.

b) You can use the lasered signature on the iPod to forge cheques for mega expensive items and improve your own crappy life.

c) When Elton dies, it’ll go up in value to at least £500. Then you can look all smug when appearing on The Antiques Roadshow.

A spokesperson for Elton said that his iPods are:

“Extravagant and glamorous just like him.”

If we owned one of these, we wouldn’t like that at all. Instead we’d be petrified that the crystals would fall out and lead a gang of knife-wielding hoodies to our frond door, Hansel And Gretel-style. Could happen.

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Elton John has written some wonderful musicals in his time – The Lion King, Billy Elliot, that one where Ben Stiller gets AIDS.

With the first one, Elton John really conveyed the majesty of the African Pride Lands. In the second he managed to capture the frustration of living in the north of England under Margaret Thatcher beyond compare, and the final one – well, let’s just say that there has never been a more hilarious, dance-in-the-aisle musical ever written about Ben Stiller getting AIDS.

No, really. Elton John’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller getting AIDS. To be fair, it’s too early to say if the Stiller/John AIDS musical will be the funniest AIDS musical ever made – we hear that Billy Joel‘s adapting Philadelphia into a showstopping musical for Jim Carrey, and the song Bumming A Man At The Cinema is supposed to be particularly rib-tickling.

There’s nothing that Elton John can’t do. Nothing. Well, OK, nothing apart from grow his own hair, see properly or react to criticism in a fair and balanced way, but apart from that, Elton John is golden.

He’s a modern-day Renaissance man is what he is – he’s been the chairmen of a football club, the composer of hits like Crocodile Rock, slightly misguided political campaigner and the Elton John-branded smelly candles really are second to none.

But where Elton John arguably shines the brightest is in the world of musicals. The Lion King was the highest-grossing animated movie for several years – not to mention its extended run as a stage musical – Billy Elliot was a similar success and Lestat was… well, The Lion King and Billy Elliot were very good.

And now comes Elton John’s greatest challenge yet – he’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller catching AIDS. And it’s very funny. All right? According to MSNBC, Elton John told GQ:

He’s “got to try and write a film musical for Ben Stiller,” which is, “about a guy on Broadway who is gay, has HIV and AIDS, and has to go back and face his wife and his kids that he left. It’s very funny.” “It wasn’t sounding funny, so far…” his interviewer replied. “No, it’s very funny,” John responded. “The premise doesn’t sound funny, but it is. All right?”

From this snippet of conversation, if any of it is true, it looks like Ben Stiller’s going to try and out-offend everyone who was upset by Tropic Thunder – his most recent film which angered protesters by featuring a man in blackface and a comedy retard. And, to be fair, a musical about a gay man dying of AIDS does sound like it’d be more offensive than Tropic Thunder, at least on paper. But we wouldn’t be too sure.

After all, Tropic Thunder starred Tom Cruise. You can’t get much more offensive than that.

Lily Allen and Elton John have a lot in common – for example, they both have funny hair and they’re both gay men.

But the thing that Lily Allen and Elton John share more than anything else is a love of a public scrap. Watch Lily or Elton for long enough and you’ll either see a) an extraordinary temper tantrum or b) nothing at all because Lily Allen’s punched your eyes off.

So it made perfect sense that, at last night’s GQ awards, the hosts were Lily Allen and Elton John. And things were going just peachy, at least until Lily Allen got hammered on free champagne and started effing and jeffing at Elton John, who then appeared to boast about how brilliant he was at drugs. Honestly, those two are just like Richard and Judy, only gayer and with one more nipple than you’d expect.

It goes without saying that no man should ever try and list all the things that Lily Allen and Elton John dislike. This is because they’d end up so depressed that they’d probably murder themselves, and also because there isn’t a single thing in the known universe that either Lily Allen or Elton John actually like.

For instance, Elton John hates religion and Lily Allen hates Lindsay Lohan. Elton John hates scruffiness and Lily Allen hates Cheryl Cole. Elton John hates the internet and Lily Allen hates not punching people in the face. We could go on, but there literally isn’t enough space on the internet to do that.

So, knowing how crotchety and temperamental they are, hiring Lily Allen and Elton John to host last night’s GQ awards seems like an act of pure foolhardiness. Or a transparent publicity stunt to try and get people to care about the GQ awards. One or the other.

And guess what – halfway through the ceremony Lily Allen and Elton John started getting mouthy with each other, until a bear came along and started shitting in the woods and everyone got surprised. Here’s The Sun‘s take of the exchange:

Lily: “And now to the most important part of the night,”

Elton: “What? Are you going to have another drink?”

Lily: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!”

Elton: “I could still snort you under the table.”

Lily: “Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Come on, that’s hardly an argument – that’s simply a case of simmering sexual tension and nothing more. Lily Allen and Elton John want each other, plain and simple. You can see it in their eyes. It’s electric.

Although maybe we shouldn’t tell Elton John that Lily Allen isn’t actually a bloke yet. It’d only break his poor heart.

The great thing about the US general election is that everyone has an opinion – it doesn’t matter how fat, bald, gay, shortsighted, badly-dressed, gap-toothed or non-American they are.

Elton John is all of these things, so his say is much louder than someone who is only one or two of those things. And Elton John, he say “Hillary Clinton.”

Elton John has played his New York fundraiser concert for Hillary Clinton, and raised about $2.5 million for her campaign in the process. And then he opened his mouth and said that everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton can go to hell. Which, yes, technically does include Elton John, but he was already going to hell anyway so it doesn’t matter. You can’t write a song like I Am Your Robot and expect to get away with it.

There have been so many celebrity endorsements of the various candidates running for president this year that it’s left us a bit giddy. And celebrity endorsements are just so pointlessly woolly anyway that they’re hardly worth making.

Really, does anyone care who Heidi Montag supports or what Jack Nicholson thinks? And, really, will an endorsement by Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son influence voters one way or another? Actually, OK, yes, Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son probably will influence a lot of voters. You can’t argue with political aptitude like that.

The latest celebrity hoping to tell the public what to think is Elton John. That’s quite a comfortable role for Elton John to take, because he’s always telling us what to think, whether it’s that the internet is stupid or that young people dress badly or that an Elton John-branded scented candle is actually an essential purchase.

And now Elton John is telling people to vote for Hillary Clinton. Elton’s much-anticipated Clinton fundraiser took place last night, and was a rip-roaring success in every conceivable way. Except, you know, the bit where Elton John told everyone to go to hell. Reuters reports:

At the fund-raiser which Clinton’s campaign manager said raised $2.5 million, John said there was no one more qualified to lead the United States into the next era. “Having said that, I never cease to be amazed at the misogynistic attitude of some people in this country. And I say to hell with them. The reason I’m here tonight is to play music, but more importantly as someone who comes from abroad, and is in America quite a lot of the time (and) is extremely interested in the political process because it effects the whole world.”

And Elton John is completely right. Not about the going to hell thing – we’re sure there’s an equally severe punishment for people who don’t vote for Hillary Clinton, like being forced to watch Hillary Clinton’s Sopranos parody again and again. Plus maybe people just want to vote for someone whose chances of securing the Democratic candidacy are a bit less statistically near-impossible.

But, anyway, Elton John was right about the result of the US election having an effect on the whole world.

In fact, the world changes a little bit every time that any country changes governments. So hopefully Elton John will be ready to fight the good fight when the Republic of Palau has its presidential election on November 4. Nothing hypes up them Palauians more than a quick burst of I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself, you know.

Read more:

Clinton supporter Elton John laments U.S. misogyny – Reuters