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Donald Trump

Heather Mills To Be Celebrity Apprentice?

by C J Davies

It’s difficult to imagine what sort of corporate environment Heather Mills would flourish within – Widely Despised Monoped GoldDiggers Inc, perhaps, or Beatle Fleecers LLC.

That hasn’t stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from namedropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however. After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

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OJ Simpson Takes A Stab At Next Celebrity Apprentice

by Shawn Lindseth

The only reality show we want to see Donald Trump star in is one where he and Rosie O’Donnell are trapped for a week in a commercial elevator together, with nothing but multiple wet, sticky lollipops covering their privies.

Also there’d be live sugar-craving geese in there with them – pecking away at unspecified things.

That show would be great indeed – and we’d watch it too. It’s a tragedy then, that it will never get made. Because in the next Celebrity Apprentice, D. Trump will come face to face with a murderer! We meant with an accused murderer! And might be killed himself! But probably not!

Keep in mind that nothing’s been finalised, but rumor has it that OJ Simpson wants him a slice of Apprentice.

Somebody re-word that last bit.

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Donald Trump’s Ex-Wife Gets Married In Donald Trump’s Garden

by Stuart Heritage

Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don’t – Donald and Ivana Trump have got class.

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don't - Donald and Ivana Trump have got class. We're just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren't classy at all - they're essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don't like anything unless it's covered in repulsive amounts of gold - but they still like each other, and that was our original point. How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump's estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump's sister. There's a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he's wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that's probably untrue because - christ - imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.
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Donald Trump Sees Cash-Money In Spitzer’s Young Hooker

by Shawn Lindseth

The movie Pretty Woman, which we think won a Pulitzer Prize at the 1932 Nuremberg Olympics, was written so well it made the whole world stop and take notice that filthy hookers can have feelings too.

And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade.

The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer’s harlot a gig on his new reality show.

We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it’s produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.

The movie Pretty Woman, which we think won a Pulitzer Prize at the 1932 Nuremberg Olympics, was written so well it made the whole world stop and take notice that filthy hookers can have feelings too. And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade. The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer's harlot a gig on his new reality show. We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it's produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.
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Heather Mills Gets To Judge Beauty Contests

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills looks for three things in a man – 1) considerable age, 2) incredible wealth and 3) a haircut so bad that it makes children cry.

With this in mind, you’d expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that’s not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he’s invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants’ past. That’s got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.

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Donald Trump Still A Stingy Tipper, Despite Rumours

by Stuart Heritage

It doesn’t take a lot to make Donald Trump angry. In fact, that last sentence alone has probably got Donald Trump knotted up in a frenzy of finger-jabbing and spittle-splattering.

And the problem is getting so bad that Donald Trump is even getting angry about stuff that’s actually quite nice. For example, a Santa Monica restaurant has been claiming that Donald Trump swanned in on Monday, gobbled down $80 of food and then left a $10,000 tip. Nothing wrong with that you might think, it makes Donald Trump look like a kindly old man instead of a bellowing overbearing caricature for once, but Donald Trump has responded to the story with such moronic anger that you’d have thought that Rosie O’Donnell had been the head chef.

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Celebrity Apprentice Missing Quite A Few Actual Celebrities

by Stuart Heritage

With the writers’ strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows – and what’s more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous?

Basically, what we’re saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that’s going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that’s what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show’s mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.

With the writers' strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows - and what's more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous? Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice - the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers. We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.
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