Remember the name Susan Boyle – in ten years she’ll probably be the answer to a pub quiz question or something.

Or a major Broadway star. No, we were right first time – Susan Boyle will be the answer in a pub quiz. And the question will be ‘what was the name of the funny-looking woman from Britain’s Got Talent who made everyone jizz in their pants because she sang a terrible song in a mediocre way?’

That’s right, everyone. Thanks to Britain’s Got Talent, Susan Boyle has won Demi Moore over and might appear on Oprah. Literally on Oprah. The pervert.

In all of history – unless there’s ever been a show entitled Chris De Burgh Sings His Multiple Hits or Look At Adrian Chiles’ Handsome Face – there has never been a show as spectacularly misnamed as Britain’s Got Talent. Because, well, it hasn’t. We know this because we live here. Britain’s Got Drizzle? Yes. Britain’s Got A Misplaced Post-Colonial Sense Of Entitlement? Yes. Britain’s Got Herpes? In some cases, yes.

But talent? No, not really. If anything, the only point that Britain’s Got Talent makes with any amount of salience is that the British love nothing more than someone who looks like they might be a bit disabled even though they’re not. So far, the two winners of Britain’s Got Talent have been Paul Potts – a man who can sing quite well even though he’s fat, a bit blind-looking and has teeth that look like the remnants of a shotgun rampage in a ceramics factory; and George Sampson – an infant breakdancer who once went blind but then got better.

And the winner of the third Britain’s Got Talent season looks set to be Susan Boyle. Because, as things stand now, Susan Boyle is a sensation. By now you know the Susan Boyle story off by heart because it’s been rammed down your gullet every second of every day for a week, but for the newcomers it’s this – Susan Boyle is a middle-aged virgin who looks and dresses like she lives in one of the less affluent areas of Narnia, but she can sing quite well. The end.

Do you see? Susan Boyle is ugly but she can sing. It’s a miracle. Almost identical to the Paul Potts thing, granted, but let’s pretend that this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, because that’s what everyone else seems to be doing. Especially since Susan Boyle is now a bona fide star in America thanks to her unique eyebrow/voice combination. The LA Times reports:

Boyle’s is already the most-watched clip this month on YouTube, more than doubling the total views of its runner-up. Demi Moore has written tweets praising the singer on Twitter, and Oprah Winfrey has reportedly extended an invitation for Boyle to appear on her program.

It just goes to show – if you want to be a famous singer, you’d probably do well to attack yourself in the face with a hair-coated shovel first or else nobody will pity you enough to praise you a little bit more than you actually deserve.

So what’s next for Susan Boyle? Looking at it logically, one of three things will happen – a) people will quickly forget about Susan Boyle, leaving her as nothing more than a Chocolate Rain-style internet punchline, b) Susan Boyle will miss the point, sex herself up and instantly lose her entire fanbase or c) Susan Boyle will win Britain’s Got Talent, opening the door for next year’s winner to be a toddler with excema who can spin plates or something.

Whichever one it is, we just hope it happens soon. It’s given us a headache.

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And the genetic fluke that’s means she looks like a wartime cartoon of Mussolini. And, worst of all, Rumer Willis has to deal with her mother Demi Moore larking around with Ashton Kutcher like a scene from a bad MILF porno.

We don’t feel sorry for Rumer Willis because she has to put up with Ashton Kutcher’s gormless babbling, though – we feel sorry for her because she had a crush on Ashton as a child, and is therefore probably clinically insane.

As countless episodes of The Jeremy Kyle Show have taught us, it’s never easy when a child’s parents divorce. And it’s even less easier when the mother remarries and the child has to deal with a new stepdad. And it’s even worse still when that new stepdad is the annoyingly gonkish one from That Seventies Show who has a bewildering sideline in sub-Beadle hidden camera pranks that he finds a million times more hilarious than anyone else on the planet.

And it’s worst of all when you realise that you used to tongue-kiss a poster of your new stepdad and write the words ‘Rumer Kutcher’ again and again in a diary to see what signature you’d use when you fell in love and got married.

That situation, more or less, is the situation that Rumer Willis – the big-jawed offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore – found herself the first time that Demi Moore brought Ashton Kutcher home. Ick. The Boston Herald reports:

“Ash was a heartthrob, to me. I had pictures of him on my wall at boarding school… But I got over any strangeness because I’d never seen my mom happier. He’s like a friend as well as a stepdad. We talk about everything – auditions, boyfriends, family. He understands more than my parents sometimes because he’s closer to my age.”

That’s actually a very good point – Ashton Kutcher obviously knows more about Rumer Willis’ life because he’s closer to her age. You can’t ask Bruce Willis for advice about boys because he’s too busy concerning himself with how many godawful insurance adverts he can star in, while Demi Moore hasn’t been a 20-year-old-girl for about 400 years and is too busy trying to free a million slaves to understand what Rumer is going through. But Ashton Kutcher? He’ll always understand because he’s closer to Rumer Willis’ age.

In fact, Demi Moore should have just gone the whole hog and married a toddler, because he’d be even closer to Rumer’s age. It would have only been marginally creepier, too.

Still, it’s good to see that there’s no lingering weirdness over Demi Moore marrying Rumer Willis’ teenage crush. And if there is, Rumer can get her own back by marrying one of Demi Moore’s teenage crushes, like William Wilberfoce or Prince Maximilian of Saxony. Yeah, that’d show the bitch.

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Obama is inheriting a country that’s in its worst state for decades, and the wave of expectation which took him to the White House is so perilously high that he’s bound to disappoint great swathes of those who voted him in. Before too long, Barack Obama is going to need a friend.

And a friend is what he’s got in Eva Longoria, who’s pledged to plant 500 trees on hs behalf. So that’ll be a great big bloody weight off his mind, then.

You may think that today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to him and him alone, but you’re wrong. You may also think that the inauguration belongs to the people of the world who’ve watched the last eight years pass by with an impotent sense of escalating frustration. But you’d be wrong again.

No, today’s inauguration of Barack Obama belongs to just one group – celebrities.

Seriously, we mean it. Celebrities got Barack Obama elected as president. If it wasn’t for them and their fundraising concerts, berserk little garden-based rants and slightly cringeworthy right-on internet videos, you know where we’d be today? Nazi Germany, that’s bloody where. And that’s FACT.

But just because celebrities voted Barack Obama in, don’t you think for a second that they’re just going to abandon him in his ivory tower now that they’ve got him there. The rich and famous of America are going to do everything in their power to help President Obama out whenever they can, whether it’s by singing a song for his daughters or by taking part in something called the Presidential Pledge, whatever that is.

Oh, alright, we know exactly what the Presidential Pledge is – it’s a scheme invented by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to get their famous friends to show how much they love Barack Obama by making a promise that they’ll inevitably pay someone else to carry out for them. They even made a video about it. Warning, what you’re about to watch may just be the most terrifying thing you will ever see…

It’s interesting to see the different pledges of different celebrities, isn’t it? As well as Eva Longoria pledging to plant 500 trees and Demi Moore pledging to free a million slaves in five years, it was nice to see Eva Mendes promise to drink less bottled water, and that woman we don’t recognise promising to integrate her heart into her face, or whatever it was she said. We don’t want to watch it again.

However, we want to single out special praise for two celebrities. First is Cameron Diaz, who has promised to smile at her neighbours more than she currently does. OK, it isn’t freeing a million slaves, but we suppose it’s a start.

Secondly, Ashlee Simpson has pledged to be ‘a great mother’. So it’s a good thing that Barack Obama was voted as president, really, because if the other chap got in Ashlee was going to be a deliberately shit mother who fed handfuls of drawing pins to her baby and kicked it down the stairs wherever she could.

Celebrities, we don’t know where we’d be without you. We mean that.

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That’s why it peaked our interest to learn that a recent scientific study showed that when people hear the words ‘Demi Moore’ and ‘leech’, 97.624% (p < 0.05) automatically think ‘Ashton Kutcher’.  

Although such results are can hardly be classified as breakthrough findings, it explains why the vast majority of the world recoiled in disgust at hearing Demi Moore proclaim that she gets her blood sucked by leeches.  

Be at ease, folks. Demi Moore is referring literally to leeches, not an intimate relationship with her husband. 

Demi Moore has always seemed a bit unusual if you ask us. She named her daughters Rumer and Scout, lived in Idaho for some odd reason, found Bruce Willis to be marriage material, and why she ever changed her androgynous hair style from Ghost is just beyond us. So it only goes to figure that she’d subscribe to some bizarro health/beauty tactics as well. Like leeches. Blood-sucking, parasitic leeches attached to her skin until they become totally engorged and drop off dead. Ta-da! Instant A-list celebrity beauty.  

What’s that? Demi Moore’s stretched plastic youthful look is not natural?? That’s shocking. We haven’t been this shocked since we learned that MC Hammer is neither an MC, nor a hammer. But it’s true. Demi Moore was interviewed by David Letterman recently, and said that she underwent leech therapy as part of detoxification program in Australia. Totally coincidentally she is promoting her new movie, Flawless. Anyway, during the interview Demi Moore explains the ordeal in repulsive, stomach-turning detail: 

"It detoxifies your blood and they have a little enzyme that when they're biting down on you gets released into your blood. Generally you bleed for quite a bit and it detoxifies your blood. It crawls in and you feel it bite down on you … and then you just watch it swell up and get fatter and fatter and then when it's super drunk on your blood it just kinda rolls over like it's stumbling out of a bar."

Or in other words, mini replays of a typical night for Britney Spears. Eh? High-five up high? Anyone??

Actually, the whole leech thing makes sense, really. What better time to detoxify your blood than after it comes out of your body. And who couldn’t do with a little blood-letting. Hollywood starlets are looking rather bloated and fatty these days.  Still, we can’t help but be a bit outraged about all of this. There are some species of leeches that are practically endangered, and there goes Demi Moore attaching blood-sucking leeches all over herself willy-nilly just to watch them die from her toxified blood.  

Luckily, we have PETA on speed dial and have alerted them of the situation. We have it on firm authority that Heather Mills is already working on a nude PETA campaign for saving the leeches with the tagline ‘Suck money from your legendary musician ex-husband, not blood’.

Read more: 

Demi Moore's Health Secret That Sucks – AOL

And how can we be so sure it’s out? Because two of the religion’s biggest celebrity zealots, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, seem to have abandoned the Kabbalah ship.  

That’s what we’d have done, too. Kabbalah doesn’t have near as nice a ship as the Scientology cruise ship, Freewinds, anyway. 

You remember the Kabbalah craze, don’t you? It might be hard to recall because it was before Scientology came with its aliens to establish a Galactic Confederacy in which Tom Cruise can’t take a vacation. But yeah, Kabbalah, a mystical offset of Judaism, first came to annoy us in full a few years back when bunches of Hollywood celebs began to run like a herd of rich, surgically-enhanced cattle to gather around the religious facet.   

We can probably needlessly point a lazy, disparaging finger at Madonna for instigating the Kabbalah stuff since she began practising it in the late 90s. That was back before Madonna was wearing purple leotards and fishnet stockings. Those are the days of non-horrific mental images we long for.  

Anyway, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have been some of the most unwavering celebrity supporters to don $26 puny red string bracelets that Kabbalahists wear to protect them from the Evil Eye… and the Stink Eye, and the Wandering Eye, and the Pink Eye, and the Lazy Eye. The couple was even married in a Kabbalah ceremony in 2005. Apparently though, the couple has been absent from Friday night services and Shabbat dinner at the LA Kabbalah Centre for months now.

So, what's the deal? Have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to split from the Kabbalah scene for good? A source with ‘ties to the centre’ (sounds legit), say that whatever the reason for their disappearance may be you can rest assured it’s not because of Demi Moore’s kids. We have no idea why Demi Moore’s kids would be the reason, but their dad Bruce Willis wouldn’t allow them to be involved with Kabbalah, so don’t even think it or else he’ll go all John McClane on your trash.  

Other sources say that might Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s absence from Kabbalah worship is because Ashton is “tired of being dragged there on Friday nights.”  Seriously, let the kid have a regular Friday night smashing beer cans on his head and organising his trucker hats and playing Rock Band all night while his wife recovers from her latest nip and/or tuck action.  

Or, it could just be that they got tired of watching Madonna suck soup through that enormous gap in her teeth during dinner. We may never know.

Read more: 

Ashton & Demi cutting ties with Kabbalah? – MSNBC