Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.

He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.

Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.

Justin does indeed believe that there is a higher power guiding everyone’s lives, but he doesn’t go to church to affirm his faith.

Is that because he’s gigantically famous and can’t be bothered getting loads of hassle every Sunday morning? Some faith that is!

He told V magazine:

“A lot of people who are religious, I think they get lost. They go to church just to go to church. I’m not trying to disrespect them … but for me, I focus more on praying and talking to Him. I don’t have to go to church.”

Still, at least he’s getting tugged off.

He added:

“Now that I’m on top, everyone wants to bring me down … Everyone’s trying to tug at me and take my spot.”

There’s still no word on the claims that Mariah Yeater had his baby though, which is what we’re all especially interested in. Not because he’s ‘on top’ and we’d like to see him fail, rather, we’ll never ever forgive him for what he said about rape victims.

We haven’t even mentioned his gruesome music. At least he’s got his little imaginary friend in the sky to talk to.

If there’s one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it’s a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber’s grandparents are nearly dead.

You’ll be forgiven for thinking ‘all grandparents are nearly dead’, but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.

No. They’re nearly dead because they’ve been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…

Justin Bieber’s grandfather has been discharged from hospital following a rather serious (but presumably hilarious, judging by the laughs car-crashes get on clip shows) accident in Canada.

Bieber’s mom, Pattie Mallette, took to Twitter to ask for prayers (which will do absolutely nothing, but hey ho! You should really ask for everyone to think about how great doctors and nurses are, eh?) after the vehicle her parents – Bruce and Diane Dale – were driving careered out of control and flipped splendidly into a ditch.

In a post, she wrote:

“My dad has broken ribs. Plz pray 4 him 4 quick healing! Count your blessings and forgive ur parents always. U never know what tomorrow holds!!!”

Forgive your parents? Why? What have these people done to you? Are they monstrous pinheads or something?

Either way, all this means is that Bieber is quite obviously going to make some kind of soul-searching tune about all this because, if we’ve learned anything about this odious little berk, it is that he’s excellent at turning connected events into bubblegum money for himself.

Hope for a concept album called ‘Grandpa At The Wheel With The Reaper’.

Spare a thought for Justin Bieber this Christmas won’t you? It’s not because he’s can’t reach high shelves and get to his presents early. Instead, he’s still got mentalist stalker Mariah Yeater claiming that he leaked some sperm inside of her and created a baby.

Instead of this matter being kept private due to its libel claim, it’s great to know that Mariah Yeater has become something of a minor celebrity out of the whole ordeal. With various magazine and TV interviews, the money Yeater received will probably be used to pay damages towards Bieber when the negative result comes back on the DNA test.

Even though there are more holes in Mariah Yeater’s story than a blind cowboy, she’s back again to protest how she’s the innocent victim in all of this. Tristyn , the stupidly named child in question will be able to tell all its classmates in the future that he has a mentalist for a mother. We should say ‘allegedly’ now. Allegedly at absolutely everything.

The story reads for the perfect episode of daytime trash TV where bickering couples call each other names. In one corner, we have Mariah Yeater who is a young unemployed single mum. Ouch, she has nothing going for her at all does she? Opposing her is Justin Bieber, a young Canadian singing foetus who has made a fortune from swindling young girls into buying his music.

It makes for some sort of sinister Disney film doesn’t it? So far, we’re at the midpoint of the movie where we’re under the impression that romance is dead. The father is out the picture and the mother is left on her own to look after a child with no money. Will it result in a happy ending and the couple being united as one? Probably not, in an interview with Mariah Yeater she was asked if Bieber was the father and she responded by saying:

“I do believe he is the father.”

Yeater is either trying her hand at being a cracking pun writer, or she has realised that she doesn’t know who put their penis inside of her. If she’d used a better choice of words such as “I know that he wriggled around inside of me and released his seed,” then her claim would have more weight to it.

How about the supposed father Robbie Powell who has publicly stated that the child was his? In a weird baby three way, Powell has signalled that he wants to donate most of his earnings/state handouts to the child, where Bieber wouldn’t give a penny. Easily deflecting this question when asking, Yeater said:

“Yes, I know him. He is not the father and he’s locked up and out of the picture.”

Locked up? It seems that Bieber really is dealing with some sort of psycho who’ll even do bad stuff to those who dare speak out against her. We don’t know… is she’s some sort of BDSM practiser, or “she mentally blocked him from her mind,” and we don’t want to either. It seems that the proceedings in this case have been delayed by the Bieber camp. A lawyer for Yeater said:

“Bieber’s counsel has not provided me documentation supporting that the DNA test occurred.”

Hopefully a decision will be announced soon. Then the next single teenage girl can come along and start the process all over again.

Hey! Justin Bieber fans! Beliebers! Are you looking forward to Christmas? Are you? Have you been good this year? Are you hoping Father Christmas brings you Justin’s Christmas album to you on Christmas Day?

He won’t. He definitely won’t. Not a rat-in-an-arse’s chance kiddo!

That’s because Santa isn’t real. Yep. Big shock to us too. Who spoiled every Christmas, forever? Why, if it isn’t Bieber himself, who wants us all to know that the Yuletide period is one long sham. How appalling. Apparently, it’s all his stupid mother’s fault.

See, JB has revealed that he wasn’t ever given the chance to believe in Santa Claus as a child.

During an interview with Aol Music, Bieber says:

“My mom always told me there wasn’t a Santa.That was her logic: She thought if I grew up knowing about Santa then finding out he wasn’t real, that it would be like she was lying to me”.

Just wait ’til Bieber finds out that everyone’s been lying to him about the birth of Baby Jesus as well. He’ll be uncontrollable with rage!

Talking about his mother being a lousy parent, he said he didn’t spoil Christmas for everyone else:

“I didn’t tell my friends or ruin it for anyone – I was a good kid!”

Until now. Now you’ve told everyone you glurping twonk. Seriously. Someone oughta sock you in the mouth this Christmas for that.

All your pre-teen fans are officially jaded now. (Which is kinda good – keep up the stupid work Biebz!)

It seems years ago Mariah Yeater made the unbelieble (!) claim that Justin Bieber had spaffed a viable sperm into her vulva resulting in a tiny little yodelling girl/boy-child growing in her womb when, to look at him, you couldn’t imagine he’d progressed as far as having sex with Lady Palm and her five inexperienced clammy sisters.

There’s been paternity tests and no-one’s known what to think until convicted criminal, current resident of the Big House, Mariah Yeater’s ex and beacon of truth Robert Powell (not that one) has revealed that actually HE is the father.

Yes really.

Powell has recently made the following statements from his federal penitentiary residence, and readers must be warned he un-ironically uses the phrase “on the real” at one point:

“We were both homeless and…. Mariah was trying to make some quick money,”

…reports totally reliable Powell, currently languishing on multiple burglary charges.

“She just picked him because she thought he was famous and all and thought she could get a lot of money by telling the magazine Justin was the father. She saw him as an opportunity to make a lot of money.”

…revealed Powell, also in for drug charges. Did we mention the drug charges? No?

“And man, on the real, I feel sorry for Justin Bieber. He’s just a little kid man. He don’t need to be going through all this drama. He got a career and sh*t to focus on. I feel sorry for the dude.”

At this point, it’s not clear how long Powell has been inside, or indeed when he found the time to chuff one up Mariah Yeater what with all his burglary, drug-taking and generally being-in-prison, but we’re more interested in his classic ‘feeling sorry’ for Bieber stance.

The whole ‘two men done wrong by the same woman’ and becoming mates schtick seems unlikely what with Powell’s current residence. A pretty boy-child like Bieber would have to ‘go bitch’ within seconds just to stand a chance in there.

Mariah Yeater’s lawyers have responded to Powell’s statements robustly by claiming – in the most devastating use of legal language we have ever seen – that they are “all wrong”.

Justin Bieber was unavailable for comment.

Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of.

There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics that their actions would be belittled if someone were to grab headlines for stalking somebody virtually-unknown.

Fortunately Thomas has recently requested that the temporary restraining order granted against him last year be extended indefinitely, presumably to prevent him from the further embarrassment of pestering someone non-famous as all his mental friends mock him with infra-red images of the inside of Angelina Jolie’s house and long-lens footage of Daniel Craig tea-bagging Rachel Weisz. We imagine.

For the purposes of research, hecklerspray conducted an in-depth interview with some bored-looking people in our nearest Costa regarding the exact nature of Selena Gomez’s celebrity and the best anyone could come-up with was “is she that one who looks like a perplexed kitten?” and “erm, something to do with Justin Beiber?”

The jury is still out as to the exact nature of Selena Gomez’s fame, as it is the continuing nature of Brodnicki’s restraining order.

But perhaps he has seen the light. The light of true fame, and will be away stalking an actual well-known person.

hecklerspray will keep you updated.

Not that we condone any of this.

Don’t recognise the name of the person in the article heading? Don’t worry, most people don’t either. It’s only when you mention that she’s the alleged bearer of Justin Bieber’s child that causes people’s ears to prick up.

In a strange way, we kinda like this paternity situation because Bieber went totally badass on her. He must have grown some balls or at last spouted a few pubes as he has promises to sue her for spreading these rumours.

Alas, the DNA test seems to be taking bloody ages to come back, which seems odd. We wouldn’t have thought that a few samples of a spit could take so long to analyse, especially given that Bieber is hardly old enough to have formed that much DNA. If they were British, they’d have the results fairly rapidly thanks to Jeremy Kyle. He can do them in 20 minutes, like developing Polaroids. Assuming that Bieber was able to maintain and use and erection, he will be thrilled to hear that his bundle of baby is allegedly living with a mother who takes drugs. Shock! Horror!

Some people claim – and it isn’t those who are close to Bieber – that he couldn’t possibly father a child. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that a seven year old couldn’t possibly produce anything other fluid other than urine from his penis. The suggestion that he fancies women is basically obscene. As far as he’s concerned, girls are “smelly” and “kisses carry diseases.”

But even if everything claimed by Mariah Yeater turned out to be true, we’d be amazed on a couple of fronts. Not because she wasn’t a psycho looking for a cheap payday, but because the hilarious circumstances involved in their sexy time were true. She was quoted as saying:

“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.”

“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*** the s*** out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.”

“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to ‘feel everything.”

So when this whole messy situation is over, can’t we at least think of the innocent child involved? Being used as a pawn so his mother can make a pot of money is something that’ll probably haunt him in later life. Everyone who writes for hecklerspray was sired by negligent celebrity one-night stands. Why on Earth do you think we’re this bitter?

But according to reports, it doesn’t seem that Mariah Yeater is a perfect mother. Footage which hasn’t been released yet, meaning that THIS MIGHT NOT BE TRUE suggests that Yeater smoked pot infront of a toddler and said:

“We’re about to get high! Burning weed, burning weed.”

Of course we don’t know if she was smoking the green whilst growing a baby human inside of her, but friends of Yeater have told Star magazine in America that she:

“May have smoked marijuana once or twice while carrying Tristyn.”

You’d have to be stoned to pick a dreadful name like that. Anyway, fear not Mariah! In the UK you’ll probably end up being crowned mother of the year. After all Katie Price has bagged the prize despite whoring out her own family to make a career whilst Kerry Katona has won despite being a financial and drugged up mess.

There’s hope for us all it seems.

When a baby is born via parents no longer together, it isn’t uncommon for a Jerry Springer style argument to develop, with penis owners shouting ‘Well, it ain’t mine that’s for sure, you womanly leech!’

Justin Bieber is no different, looking at the whole situation and shrugging ‘I haven’t even met the girl! No way. Nuh-uh.‘

Apart from, that is, the ex-boyfriend of Justin Bieber’s alleged baby harvester, Mariah Yeater, who has NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND AT ALL (apart from the vague doubts in his mind) that the baby is his and, he so certain, he wants to take a DNA test to prove it. Roll on child support payments from whoever!

Remember TMZ sharing a story which showed a load of SMS messages, which seemingly showed Mariah Yeater saying that her ex, Robbie Powell, was the father of her baby?

No? Well, that sentence you’ve just read has got you up to speed. Stop being such an idiot.

Where were we? Oh yes, Robbie Powell. Well, Robbie and his super sperm are demanding a DNA test because he’s apparently tired of Yeater using the child for media attention.

Basically, he wants some media attention as well. Then baby sitting rights. Then countless sleepless nights and soiled nappies.

TMZ’s sources says Robbie has been telling friends that Mariah has already told him that this whole Bieber story is a crock of dung and Robbie believes she did conjured it up because she was desperate for cash.

If she’s that desperate, why doesn’t she sell her baby? You’re allowed to do that in America right? Angelina Jolie will probably take it off her hands.

Of course, Powell will now be getting approaches by media outlets, which is nice for him. Maybe he’ll buy some condoms with any fees he receives.

You know the woman who said Justin Bieber rode her for 30 seconds backstage at one of his gigs, and as a result, popped out a small baby? Well, Mariah Yeater is at it again, asking for more of Justin’s DNA.

Presumably, the first DNA test came back with a report noting that Bieber was too young to have even developed any.

However, now he’s grown some finger nails and the fontanelle has started to harden on his famous head, she’s asking for another test. Maybe she’s going to swipe it and clone him because she’s mental or something? You’d have to be to willingly tell the world you’d had sex with a superstar infant with a face like a boiled kneecap.

Bieber has, of course, already taken one test, but Yeater,wants one that he hasn’t initiated. Perhaps she doesn’t trust the hippocratic oath?

Some bloke called Jeffery Leving said that, even though he has yet to provide evidence of the two’s alleged sexual encounter, Yeater deserved the right to meet Bieber with her baby and lawyers present so they can watch him actually take the test.

That’ll be a nice awkward meeting won’t it? If they did do the dirty, imagine the small talk! If they didn’t, imagine the simmering rage from the young pop-star and the doe-eyed chancer holding a baby, looking on and wondering if it would be okay to ask for an autograph.

Leving says:

“I want a new DNA test with both sides together at a lab in California as soon as possible… As soon as I tell her to do it, she’ll do it. We need proper protocol and a chain of custody.”

“For me to feel comfortable, I want a member of my legal team in the room when Justin Bieber’s genetic fluid is sampled”

Genetic fluid is potentially what got everyone into this mess in the first place. Leving added:

“This case is unique in terms of media interest, celebrity and the amount of potential child support at issue. There could be motives on the parts of many different people to corrupt the evidence”

It’s nowhere near as fun as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s secret lovechild story, is it?

Uh-oh! Caroline Flack is getting received death threats from Harry Styles’ fans after it was revealed that the pair have been on some dates. What is it with young women and their penchant for sending death threats?

WHY HAVEN’T WE HAD ANY? DO WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH A YOUNG MAN TO DO SO?

On that point, it appears hecklerspray is the only publication willing to point out that it is incredibly sinister the way adult women feel it is perfectly fine for them to fap over a bunch of 10 year old singing boys. Never mind death threats, how about some police involvement here?!

Aaaanyway. Where were we? Oh yes. Death threats. The Xtra Factor presenter and the One Direction boythrob have been bumping uglies, despite the fact there’s a 36-year age gap between the two.

Of course, fans of 8-year-old Harry (calling themselves Directioners because they don’t want Beliebers to have the monopoly on collective nouns for simpletons) aren’t happy about the fact that they aren’t the ones tearing the young singer a new cock-hole.

And so, they’ve taken to twitter.

A source says:

“Twitter just went mad. People have been saying really horrible things. Caroline’s really shaken and upset.”

And that’s just from spending time with the dreadful, grabby Olly Murs. One message said:

“If caroline flack flirts with my boyfriend (Harry) I will personally hunt her down and shoot her.”

HURRAY! We’ve got a new Mark Chapman. Another message said:

“I want to kill you Caroline Flack, Harry is mine Bitch”

Someone else sensibly pointed out:

“Caroline Flack is 32. She should be settling and ready to have kids not dating them.”

Of course, the ironic thing here is that Harry and Flack aren’t doing anything untoward at all. Flack took to her own twitter account to say:

“Hi one direction fans! To clarify. I’m close friends with harry. He’s one of the nicest people I know. I don’t deserve death threats. x”

This has prompted Harry to come to Flack’s aid and try and help her through this difficult time. You know what that means? There’s a grief-shag in the offing and you mental Directioners have gone and forced them together with some twisted remote Stockholm Syndrome.

WELL DONE YOU.

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STOP THE PRESSES! The Bieber baby drama may not be quite as dead as we all thought.

Jeffrey Leving, the lawyer representing Bieber’s baby momma, Mariah Yeater, has come out and said that the DNA test is still on! Meaning there’s still a chance that Justin really was bustin’ to get freaky with the single mother.

So forget everything we said yesterday, IT’S BACK ON BITCHES!

Leving stated in an interview that:

“I did not step down and there is a legal team. It’s a new legal team… negotiations are going on right now with Bieber’s council and we’re trying to negotiate a private, secure DNA test with the same safe guards that would exist if there were a court order, but without a court order.”

Which, if true, means that Bieber and his allegedly wandering willy may well still face the needle, in order to determine whether or not he did actually eff young Mariah’s brains out on that warm October night in L.A.

If it transpires that Bieber is indeed the father of Mariah Yeater’s baby, it will be the first time in human history that a father has turned out to be younger than his own biological child.

Rather annoyingly, Leving stated that his goal is to keep everything confidential, meaning we may never actually find out the truth about the Bieber baby, baby, baby.

Justin is still denying any and all responsibility for what fell out of Yeater’s chuff and is adamant that the DNA test will conclusively prove that he isn’t the father.

Apparently the current defence of, “his balls haven’t dropped yet,” doesn’t cut it in court anymore

Anyway, we all know the greater likelihood is that the father of the little bastard (the baby that is, not Bieber) is Frankie Cocozza.

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It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.

The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.

Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.

Yeater had said that she became pregnant with the ‘Baby’ singer’s child following a… get this… 30-second romp (each your heart out Boris Becker!) backstage after one of his concerts in Los Angeles in October 2010. No. ‘Backstage’ is not a euphemism for which direction Bieber could’ve entered Yeater’s gluff.

Of course, Justin has continually and vehemently denied the claims, but just to look more innocent, he absolutely agreed to a paternity test.

The suit was quietly withdrawn last week.

Mariah’s lawyers – Lance Rogers and Matt Pare – have also slowly backed away from the claim and stopped representing Mariah after JB’s attorney Howard Weitzman warned Yeater they were planning to sue her and her legal representatives for making false claims.

And like a cyclist tackling a double decker bus, there’s only ever going to be one winner, and that’s the bigger, rougher boys with the money.

Justin insisted he would not “waste” his time meeting his accuser face-to-face because her claims were so vindictive, noting that:

“All this stuff is dealt with by my legal team. But if they want me to (take a paternity test) then I will.”

When asked what he would say to Mariah if he could meet her, he said:

“Nothing, I wouldn’t waste my time. I guess (she’s done this) for attention, but it’s not something I am interested in. These people are not worth my thought or time.”

Remember when Bieber was all forgiving, kindly and Christian? Look at him now! Scorning people and saying they’re a waste of his precious time!

Ladies and gentlemen, the rot has set in! Justin Bieber (or his replacement) is on the cusp of becoming dead-eyed, hollowed out and cynically nasty.

BRILLIANT.

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So Justin Bieber got all pissy when he heard that some lass was saying that she’d given birth to his baby, baby, baby oooh. He told us to forget those stupid claims and focus on his criminally awful Christmas album instead.

However, one thing Bieber wasn’t too good at refuting was the small matter of whether he’d actually sexed one up Mariah Yeater or not.

And now, in what appears to be an admission of shagging, he’s said that he’ll happily take a DNA test to show that he is not the father of Yeater’s child and then he’ll sue her good and proper.

Bieber, who is currently in Europe (poor Europe) will take the paternity test in two weeks when he returns to the United States and hopes to put an end to what he believes is a totally bogus story.

Ambulance chasers TMZ report that Bieber’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, contacted Mariah Yeater’s attorneys on Friday (gotta get down on Friday) and noted that the DNA test will happen.

In fact, so determined are Team Bieber, that they’ve directed Weitzman to find a lab to do the test. It is rumoured that Yeater’s lawyers appeared ‘nervous’ when they heard the news.

Bieber and his team seem to think that the lawsuit that is planned is of utmost importance so they can make an example of Yeater, showing the rest of us plebs that you can’t go around saying that celebrities have had sex with your without a condom on if it didn’t happen.

Which, incidentally, is not what Bieber is saying. What he’s saying is that the baby isn’t his. While he’s saying that he doesn’t even ‘know the woman’, he’s still not said that he didn’t have sex with her.

Oooh, this is a magical tale. Imagine if it turns out to be his baby. That would be HILARIOUS. We can look forward to a shit-eating grin and a subsequent cloying version of ‘Just The Two Of Us’, with Bieber and a baby, making up for that lost time when a girl indulged in a little statutory rape.

Or not, natch.

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So. The big news about Justin Bieber is this: He’s putting a Christmas album out that is so bad that the holiday season is going to be cancelled (the terrorists have finally won). He’s also adopted a dog. He’s also sired a child with a woman who kinda raped him, legally speaking.

Okay? We’re up to speed? Good. Now, here’s the ‘facts’.

Justin Bieber was keen to talk about the big story swirling around him on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. He’s basically saying ‘NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! YOU THINK I’M READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT? I HAVE NOT ADOPTED A DOG!‘ Right. The baby, baby, baby oooooh Justin. That’s what everyone’s talking about y’little puke!

Finally, Bieber has spoken about the allegations that he has illegitimately fathered a child with a 20-year-old fan. When he was 16. That’s the whole statutory rape thing we mentioned.

So what does El Biebo have to say? Of course, he went on twitter to clear things up once and for all!

“I’m going to ignore the rumours and focus on what is real. Judge me on the music!”

Judging him on the music is the only more damning thing he could’ve chosen outside of his unsavoury beliefs on abortion.

Meanwhile, being a little more assertive, Bieber’s publicist has called the allegation

“malicious”

That’s not stopped Belieber Mariah Yeater heading to the courtroom though. She definitely believes herself when she said:

“He suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone – a bathroom.

He promptly went and ‘fucked the shit’ out of her without a condom because he wanted to ‘feel everything’. That’s according to Yeater’s suit. And lo, on 6th July 2011, she gave birth to a baby boy, which she says was

“exactly 36 weeks and two days after the sexual encounter.”

She’s now requesting that Bieber does a paternity test and thinks about paying child support. Yeater’s lawyers say that their client…

“…is pursuing a modest and rightful claim. There is credible evidence that Justin Bieber is in fact the father of her baby.”

Bieber is not denying the claim that Little Bieber went into Yeater’s ‘back stage area’ unprotected. Did you notice that? This goes against his whole ‘mom, I promise I’ll stay pure’ schtick that he’s been wheeling around, eh?

Only last February he said:

“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them.”

So. Hands up if you can tell the difference between what you believed happened, and what you want to believe?

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The World of teeth snappingly annoying pop has been dealt a major blow today as rumours of the World’s most talented lesbian, Justin Bieber, has fathered a child with a fan. And not just any fan, but an older fan, turning her into an immediate MBLF (Mother Bieb’d Love Fuffing).

Obviously these are just rumours and we don’t want to see any forensic evidence appertaining to this case for fear of losing our Frosties and coffee this early in the morning. And getting sued rather quickly.

Mariah Yeater is the woman who popped the Bieb’s cherry and instantly became the figure of teen hate in six minutes of fumbled thrusting and reciting of his favourite songs to reach climax. If Selena Gomez was worried about getting hate mail because she was kissing Little Bieber, then she can take herself off for a celebratory colonic that someone else is taking her place.

At the time, Yeater was 19 and Bieber 16, so if he is the father, she could be prosecuted for statutory rape. But at least Rapist is one step up from being a Belieber. So it’s not all bad.

Yeater’s account of their night of fleeting passion is easily one of the most disgusting aspects of this case. More disgusting than the thought of Justin Bieber hunched over some poor woman.

Yeater says of the whole ‘brief’ encounter:

“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.”

“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*** the s*** out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.”

“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to ‘feel everything.’“

Between bile wretches and glasses of cold water to settle our stomachs, we couldn’t believe that she actually fell for the ‘I want to feel everything’ line. That’s one of the dangers you learn about in AIDS 101. And I bet she kept her ‘BIEBERGEDDON’ t-shirt on through the whole ordeal.

It all seems a little fan fiction to us. Something that you might find on the more seedier side of the Internet, or something which might be prosecutable on Pete Townsend’s hard drive. Does anyone say ‘f*** the s*** out of me’ anymore? It seems a little porn-y.

That said, Das Biebs is friends with Chris Brown, so Yeater should count her lucky stars she wasn’t punched and bitten so viciously that she had to go to hospital.

Either way, she’s going to come out of this looking like the villain. And if she’s telling the truth, let us see if Justin’s unsavoury views on abortion sway a little.

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