Every week our inbox is crammed full of press releases. We’re sent anywhere between 100 and 200 on an average day.

We also receive emails from readers, from the bizarre to the outstanding, and as such have decided to start and irregular and possible weekly feature whereby we reveal YOUR letters to our 750,000+ unique monthly users.

So here’s the first one. We’re thinking that this might be for real, or it might be a television show, or it might be a joke, or worse. But if you fit the category of ‘single male geek’ and want to help a reader out in London then do read on…

Pale and pasty geek wanted for casual sex…

I suffer from the compulsive urge to reject suggestive nomenclature – Fitness First? First? Perhaps fitness is a distant third, but definitely not first. I mean sex also burns calories, and quite frankly, I find cross trainers terrifying. Not like ‘your local Catholic priest turning up at your nephew’s first birthday party’ terrifying but still mildly terrifying, like a sandwich from Prets. So to remain vaguely fit I have a choice to make; join a Fitness First filled with terrifying trainers or find a steady lay. Sex FTW.

I could get a boyfriend or Swedish designed vibrator, or get a Swedish boyfriend to buy me a designer vibrator, but again I see a world of problems. Option A leaves you with ‘love’ and that whole issue of soul completing passion that sees you at home together every night, and option B means meeting Swedish parents who try feed you Lutefiske. Neither is appealing, so I choose C – a dependable toyboy to burn calories.

So that’s what I’m looking for; a regular, no strings attached, Boy Toy to double as a treadmill without the Lonely, Dear soundtrack.

You don’t need to be much really – in fact I’d prefer if you weren’t. Just alive, male and able to come around three or four nights a week. And then go home. Always with the going home. And no, I don’t want to come to your crappy flat at Dalston Junction and meet your friends; cross trainers are not that scary.

I’m 28 and relatively hard to get along with. I have one of those preachy moral high ground jobs that generally means most people hate me – but I’m OK with that, I get paid more than you anyhow. I’m not in need of assurance, will leave the lights on (provided you’re waxed) and consider vanilla sex a complete waste of time. I’m good looking, not like model good looking otherwise I’d be a modelling in Milan (der), but have always found that my breasts and cheek bones will get me any thing I want. (Read: I’m infinitely hotter than anything you could normally get your hands on, sir.)

I’d prefer if you are some sort of geek type (someone needs to work out why this shitty MacBook runs so slowly), and aren’t fat. I mean sure ‘programmers podge’ is fine, but that full ‘one ring of lard for every harmony in a Stereolab song’ is a little freaky to be honest.  And hipsters, that’s the other one. If you’re wearing flat soled canvas shoes and listening to Little Boots, I will strangle you.

Oh, and I’m not into training. I trained stock horses half my life (for money, you see), so will not sleep with men younger than me for a hobby of sorts.

Email me -notreece@googlemail.com

Send your letters to Hecklerspray. We love you, kind of – hecklerspray@gmail.com

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Which means this news isn’t as bad as it could have been, because it only involves Megan Fox and Zac Efron.

Anyway, these little blighters have done the worst thing imaginable – they’ve tried to steal some news space away from Michael Jackson by definitely (possibly) getting married (dating), all while the world’s favourite singer is preparing for his headline shows at the O2…

What do you mean he’s dead?!

Ah.

Well, we must soldier on in the face of all adversity and bring you – our beloved readers – the news fit to be read, the news that should be reported and the words that will have such a strong effect on your minds you may well fall into a catatonic state simply by trying to understand them.

Read, and believe: Zac Efron and Megan Fox have been spotted out together, talking and being nice to each other. Will the madness never end?!

Needless to say, this shocking news indicates that the two are definitely a couple and that they have quite possibly been married within the last few days, thus sparking a new Hollywood super-family consisting of good-looking people made from plastic with crap tattoos. In musicals with giant robots.

What a time to be alive.

The epoch-making news was backed up by a statement sure to shake the very foundations of life on earth as we know it, with a source telling Celebuzz (via Digital Spy):

“They were very friendly and their faces were close when they talked.”

Now that’s the kind of pure fact you can only get from an experienced, on-the-scene, eyewitness reporter. Not fazed by the news that – apparently, at least - Michael Jackson is dead, this source braved the warzone that must have been the eatery, risking life and limb to report back that not only were both Zac Efron and Megan Fox very friendly, but that their faces were close when they talked.

You can’t buy that kind of talent – it’s something that’s natural. Honed. Perfect.

Thank you, ‘Source’. You have made our lives worth living again, following the death of Michael Jackson. Who is dead, in case any of you missed the news.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Surely she’s one of those types that gets their profile banned for being far, far too whorish for the young audience of the site?

It would appear Paris has special dispensation, however, as she is reportedly ‘dating’ – or whatever the kids call it these days – the CEO of MySpace Chris DeWolfe, who has surely given her special privileges for her profile. More photos, space to upload more of her wonderful music (seeing as her pop career is something of a nonstop rollercoaster right now) or something like that, surely. It is shocking that Paris didn’t let MTV find her a new boyfriend, mind.

What makes the story all the more shocking is that neither Paris nor Chris have updated their profiles to show they are single, with each still involved in a relationship and a marriage (though separated), respectively. Guys – go to your profile, click on edit then change the information accordingly – come on, you shouldn’t be leading people astray like this.

At least if it were Facebook you could change it to ‘It’s Complicated’, which would suit perfectly.

Yes, in the world of celebrity it’s always good to keep a low profile if you’re sneaking about behind your other halves’ backs. So what better way to go about it than to go to some high-profile parties, be filmed and photographed together at them then let the evidence be uploaded to all websites in the world?

Hecklerspray thinks there may be a better way – there may be a number of better ways – but we can’t think right now. We’re too busy cruising MySpace for some honeys. Surely if you can get Paris Hilton through the site then you can also get a woman actually worth getting?

Though, to be honest, if Hilton does end up President of the US then she would at least have some point to her… decisions, decisions.

It would seem that Paris isn’t exactly pushing for the core demographic when it comes to the voting public, instead focusing her campaign trail on the numerous parties that DeWolfe has been hosting. While she may be able to schmooze her way to popularity at these events, a few hundred votes or so surely aren’t enough to grab her the presidency, are they? Though with voter apathy at its current levels, anything is possible.

On the other hand, this could be something of a power play by Chris DeWolfe. He has seen his MySpace empire lose its grasp on the world of social networking and may well want to re-assert himself and the site in a very public fashion.

By being the First Man of the US, he would surely have President Paris’ ear and be able to push for the XXVIII Amendment: ‘The right for Facebook to be banned and every American to have to have a MySpace account. Or they will be shot, thanks to the II Amendment’.

Stranger things have happened.

Needless to say, hecklerspray will be following this story to see if anything worthwhile comes of it. You never know what nasty comments a jilted lover could leave on MySpace, after all.

It’s because he misses Stu so bad. We all do. Luckily Davies scooped out Laidlow’s lungs with a really long-handeled spoon, and all is well until the next time somebody gives that guy a breakfast.

Little does he know he doesn’t have to be in such despair any longer – nobody does! That’s because Stu has sent us word! In a postcard! He’s thinking of us! He writes:

Dear readers and Matthew Laidlow,

I’m having a wonderful time here in south France, where I met a hairy pig while speed-dating last night and the two of us went bow hunting. I really think this could be it!

Yours in editing,

Stu

Good for you Stu, no more lonely nights! Also no more worrying about never getting fanged by a girlfriend. Now isn’t that nice? Congratulations!

We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.

May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.

Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.

Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.

Either P Puff Diddy Daddy is the father of Cameron Diaz too and the two are just trying to sort out their new-found paternity issues, or they’re dating. Either way they’ve been spotted all over the place holding hands, giggling and basically tip-toeing into Prince’s basement.

Now if you’re like us you are currently dumbfounded by the image of P Diddy giggling. If we were a jury we’d say this conclusively proves he had nothing to do with the death of Tupac. Also if you’re anything like us you want to know why he’s apparently attracted to dirt-growing vegetables, and/or people that resemble them.

But he is. Look at this here – it’s from the NY Daily News:

“Sly Stallone, John Legend, Eddie Murphy, Babyface and other guests were riveted by the 2 1/2-hour backyard concert [Prince] gave to launch his book 21 Days. But Diaz and Diddy seemed only to have eyes for each other.

“During the show, they laughed and held hands. At one point, while Diddy sipped a Grey Goose, Cameron told him he “must” try her bread pudding, which she proceeded to spoon-feed him. After some whispering, Diddy nodded toward Prince’s mansion.

“Once inside, he led Diaz by the hand through its labyrinthine corridors to Prince’s basement. That’s where we came upon the entranced twosome standing in the theater’s doorway. Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater’s door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside.”

Just try to deny that now – go on just try it. You can’t, right? That’s because it’s true – but it shouldn’t surprise you. Diddy took a crack at Sienna Miller a while back, but now she just sleeps with Cobra Commander instead. The rapper’s also taken several cracks at women who keep DNA testing his secret children. This plethora of sexy relationships would seem to imply the man doesn’t need to date someone who looks like a delicious hamburger topping, but he does it anyway. Here’s more proof – see that way over there? Click on it:

We found that last bit on a napkin we saw fall out of Diaz’s purse, but perhaps the most shocking part of all is that in several instances it seems she’s completely forgotten how to write cursive. Cursed be the public school system. Or maybe it’s something we wrote that ourselves with a 2.0 version of Photoshop.

Either way we’ll not retract our public school comment.

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

Hey, remember when Jennifer Aniston was married to Brad Pitt, perhaps the most desired man on the planet? And remember when Jennifer Aniston found love with Vince Vaughn who, while not fitting the conventional parameters of attractiveness, was still one of the most popular movie stars on the planet at the time?

You do? Well, let’s hope that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t remember any of that, because now she might have got herself involved with one of Jessica Simpson’s cast-offs, and that’s quite a depressing drop in quality.

Jennifer Aniston is currently in Miami filming Marley & Me, a film about a dog who stops Owen Wilson from committing suicide or something. Anyway, although there were murmurings of an Aniston/ Wilson romance, hopes were dashed when Owen Wilson got back together with Kate Hudson.

That left two options open to Jennifer Aniston – either start banging on about Brad Pitt again, which might be starting to get a bit old, or hook up with the first pretty-haired troubadour who crosses her path, even if he does have a history of boning whichever female celebrity happens to be nearest.

Which we assume is why Jennifer Aniston was seen eating dinner with John Mayer recently. Well, we say ’seen’. It’s more accurate to suggest that the restaurant owner basically just stood outside his front and yelled “Hey, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer just ate in here! They’re totally doing it!” through a loudhailer, as People reports:

When it came to lunch, “I was happy to accommodate them,” says Charles Bell, general manager of Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in the Miami Design District, which opened its doors for the pair early at 3:30 p.m. for the 90-minute meal… The same also seemed to be true later in the day, when the two were seen at Casa Tua on South Beach. When they returned to her hotel, they were observed holding hands. “We are very discreet here,” the manager of Casa Tua told PEOPLE after the two had departed. “That is why we have celebrity guests.”

It’s early days for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer yet – they’re still at the stage where restaurant owners can still cash in over the fact that they’ve eaten at their establishment – but things might just work out fine for them both. For a start, John Mayer isn’t starring in a film with Jennifer Aniston, so that’ll fend off accusations that their relationship is a marketing ploy. And also he’s not nearly as handsome as Brad Pitt, so that bitch Angelina Jolie is less likely to steal him away.

And if things go really well, then maybe Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer will even have babies. If that’s the case then we can be certain that the Aniston/Mayer baby will have beautiful hair. And it’ll also be boring, a bit whiny and ridiculously annoying, but the hair will make up for that.

Read more:

Jennifer Aniston On the Town with John Mayer – People

But modern day hero Lewis Hamilton, the prodigal driving boy with the kindest face in the world, has shown his maturity again by refusing to park up inside Naomi's cordial car park.

The 22-year-old F1 star, who has been seen with the 37-year-old supermodel on several occasions in recent months, insists the age gap is too big for them to have a relationship.

According to Lewis Hamilton:

"There is most certainly nothing going on between me and Naomi. She is like a big sister. And anyway, she is too old for me. I'm definitely single – still looking for 'Miss Right', I guess. But I am not stressed about it, I have got loads of other things on my mind. I am very flattered by all the attention I get, but it is a bit overwhelming, if I am honest."

Good for you Lewis, but poor old Naomi. She has now reached that old crossroads: take a left to 'Grow old gracefully' Town or a right to 'Madonna City'. 

If she takes a right turn, then she will have to lower her standards as Madonna before her, and get herself a Guy Ritchie equivalent of Lewis Hamilton. We here at hecklerspray would like to suggest Kevin Prince-Boateng, the new Tottenham Hotspur midfielder who made his first Premier League start this weekend. You may not have heard of him yet but he has a lot of promise, Naomi. 

And if all else fails you could wait until David Banda grows up.

Read more:

Hamilton: I'm Not Dating Naomi Campbell – Home Of Sport 

Whether it's romantic walks by the sea, an appreciation of fine wine and foreign cinema, or a big empty space where that brain thing should be (apparently how Peter Andre and Jordan discovered their mutual attraction) it's all about connection. When you find someone who likes the same stuff as you – boy, can those sparks fly.

What if your tastes are a little more specialist, though? What if your favourite thing in the whole wide world is a never-ending television series in which the crew of a spaceship fly around the universe, meet a load of aliens who all happen to speak English with American accents, and then learn some sort of arbitrary lesson five minutes before the end of each episode? What if your first true love is Star Trek?

Then you need Trek Passions in your life.

A free dating site for those who like nothing more than Klingons around Uranus (sorry), Trek Passions is quite literally the only place where you can set phasers to stun and get down to some red-hot assimilatin' with your own kind. And despite all our chortling, it's actually quite heartening to see that every niche has a dating market. Hecklerspray is still waiting for ours to come along.

We tell you, though, the day I Like Playing Pacman With Ladyboys Dot Com hits the web, we'll be made up.

Read more: 

Trek Passions

Just a couple of weeks after Paul McCartney was seen smooching around with a New York millionairess – and a couple of months of Paul McCartney was seen getting close to Renee Zellweger – Paul McCartney is now thought to be dating star of no good films for a decade Rosanna Arquette, and the pair of them were recently seen hugging and gazing into each other's eyes in London. There's not much point dwelling on any of it, however, because at this rate Paul McCartney will have ditched Rosanna Arquette by the middle of next week, by which time he'll already be knee-deep in the female cast of One Tree Hill.

*You probably need to have been one of The Beatles too, now we think about it. Still, hope for Ringo. 

Ladies! Are you single? Tenuously very slightly well-known? Young enough to be Paul McCartney's daughter? Then run! Run to the supermarket! Buy up as many tins of baked beans and tinned peaches as you can and bolt yourself into your cellar for foreseeable future, because it'll only be a matter of time before Paul McCartney comes banging on your door like some kind of mop-topped zombie hopped up on Viagra.

Because – as you may already have read in yesterday's Celebrity Haiku Competition – Paul McCartney is currently doing a very good impression of a man dating Rosanna Arquette; star of Crash, about 10 seconds of Pulp Fiction and a film called Poison that we once saw on a rubbish movie channel in another country. Apparently Paul McCartney shipped Rosanna Arquette over to London to visit his house for a couple of hours and walk around the gardens of Kenwood House. And hug. And kiss.

The News Of The World, which broke the news of Paul McCartney's date with Rosanna Arquette, was lucky enough to find a bunch of eager onlookers who came out with all kinds of over-excited lines like:

"It was all cloak-and-dagger stuff, but Paul couldn't resist a quick cuddle. Rosanna was beaming after that."

"They acted like teenagers on a first date. The body language said it all—they were almost joined at the hip."

and

"Paul looked very flirty. They had a couple of cuddles and a kiss. The sparks were there for everyone to see."

However, let's not forget that just a few weeks ago Paul McCartney was doing the same thing with Nancy Shevell, the New York millionairess with a name that sounds a little bit like the French for Nancy Horse. And prior to that Renee Zellweger was thought to be on the receiving end of Paul McCartney's affections.

Of course, after everything that Paul McCartney has been through, you can't blame his new 'try before you buy' dating policy. The last thing he wants to do is to rush into marriage, realise his wife once made an educational German sex manual, divorce her and then put up with her screeching the word "paedophile" like a spooky toy horse on breakfast television until kingdom come. That's probably the absolute worst case scenario.

So, will Paul McCartney and Rosanna Arquette last forever? No, of course not. Paul McCartney is young, free and single – except that he's really old and technically still married – and he's got all the women in the world to plough through. And he's in a bit of a hurry – he wants to be home for Countdown because that's when the Meals On Wheels lady comes round.

Read more:

Macca Is Dating Heather Mills' Double Rosanna Arquette - News Of The World