9 - Heartbreaking self-written celebrity Wikipedia pages - Cracked

8 - Snowmobile idiot - I Am Bored

7 – This man is a fool – Metro

6 – Today in ridiculous Dark Knight news: a recasting of The Joker - MTV

5 – James Bond fights everyone – Spikedhumor

4 - Discover what’s on the exact other side of the world to where you are. Us? Water - Antipodr

3 - Sweet baby Moses, that new Pixar movie looks good - Slashfilm

2 - Rappers + movies = hilarity - King-mag

1 - The best advert against online dating that you will ever read - OKcupid

But last night’s Golden Globes had an unavoidably sad shadow looming over them. Was this because it was the first major awards show to honour the late Heath Ledger’s role in The Dark Knight by giving him the award for Best Supporting Actor? In part, yes.

But mainly it’s because Mickey Rourke decided to use his Golden Globes acceptance speech to eulogise some of his dead pets. And because Rumer Willis‘ face gives us the creeps.

There was a time when the Golden Globes only really existed as an excuse for Jack Nicholson to turn up, listen to four jokes about himself, laugh loudly and then presumably get drunk enough to knock stuff over afterwards. But over the last couple of years, the Golden Globes have become a much gloomier affair.

Last year this was because the Golden Globes coincided with the writers’ strike, which meant that – if memory serves correct – it was conducted within the space of ten minutes from a pasting table set-up in the car park of the Bognor Regis branch of Matalan.

This year, though, the Golden Globes were gloomy because of the unavoidable fact that one of the year’s most effervescent screen performances was given by a dead man. That’s right, we’re talking about Kate Winslet and her role in Revolutionary Road.

Oh, and Heath Ledger too. Although his posthumous Golden Globe and Oscar nominations for Best Supporting Actor for his role as The Joker in The Dark Knight had always been a given thanks to both his remarkable performance and his untimely death, whether or not he’d actually win any of the awards was a different matter.

But, as the New York Daily News reports, last night he did – and his director Christopher Nolan was there to collect the award:

The announcement of Ledger’s name by presenter Demi Moore was met with a standing ovation by the crowd, followed by “Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan’s short but moving speech. “I accept this with an awful mixture of sadness and intense pride,” said Nolan, adding that Ledgers’ death a year ago at age 28 meant “a hole had been ripped in the future of cinema.”

Elsewhere, Golden Globes were won by Mickey Rourke – who did his weird dog-dedicating thing – along with the miniseries John Adams, 30 Rock, Slumdog Millionaire and the well-deserved double Golden Globes win by Kate Winslet for her turns in The Reader and Revolutionary Road. We say well-deserved, but obviously we’re talking about us, because hopefully this means we won’t have to listen to her bleating on about how she never wins anything any more. And that’d be a relief, frankly.

However, last night’s Golden Globes belonged to one person, and that’s Heath Ledger. It’s just a shame he wasn’t around to see it.

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The next time he was in court was for a space-camp lawsuit, and the time after that it was because Catwoman smacked him really hard with a bull-whip once. It was in the middle of a battle. The judge sided with the lady, possibly because she was all leathered-up.

But as anybody who has ever sued judicially knows, three lawsuits are never enough. That’s why Batman is currently sticking it to Christopher Nolan for getting all up in his business and ruining the awesome life he once had. Wait – did we say ‘..he once had’? Because we meant to say ‘..it once had.’ The Batman in this case is some crappy city in Turkey.

There was a time not so long ago that in the city of Batman, Turkey, a guy could really be a guy. You could walk down the street with half a pig slung over your shoulder, chewing chunks off it whenever you’d see fit. And the best part was – nobody would even say anything – because they were all publicly chomping half-pig too.

Then Christopher Nolan decided to destroy a good thing. He swooped in with his stupid Batman movies and turned Batman movies into such a tourist hot-spot that the city council soon ruled people could only indulge in their dead swine behind closed doors, or in their backyards.

Well the city’s good mayor doesn’t like this one bit – and he plans to personally take Christopher Nolan to task over this. Here’s part of the story straight off of a Turkish news website called Hurriyet.com:

“The royalty of the name ‘Batman’ belongs to us … There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us,” Kalkan told to the Doğan news agency. Batman is a centuries old city, taking root in the Neolithic age but becoming significant when oil was found in the region at the end of 1940s. Almost a decade before that, Batman was created as a comic hero. Kalkan is going to sue Christopher Nolan, the director of the latest Batman movie “The Dark Night,” not DC Comics, the creator of the superhero.

It’s unknown whether the Mayor will sue in the American court system, or perhaps more locally from the big green barn located at the intersection of Main St & First South there in Batman’s financial district.

The only thing known for absolute certain is that Nolan will probably lose, and perhaps as lawsuit-payment the city will just want a production credit strong enough to make a noticeable difference in Batman 3. Like maybe Gotham could be  a suburb of Turkish Batman. Also maybe the superhero could use his numerous resources to wreak vengeance on the unholy Kurds that clog the world’s sewers with their inferior religious belief system.

Also maybe they could work Phillip Seymour Hoffman into the script. Yes, that would all blend quite nicely.

But that’s potentially going to change with the release of Batman 3, or whatever the sequel to The Dark Knight is going to be called. That’s because, according to The Mirror, Christopher Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman is none other than 62-year-old surgically modified warbler Cher.

Phew, and to think that Angelina Jolie was almost Catwoman, too. That would have just been sick.

We’re in a brave new world here, people. The Dark Knight isn’t just not the top movie at the box office any more, it isn’t also not the best movie ever made any more according to recent statistics. And, whisper it, but The Dark Knight is also isn’t not the movie that isn’t not going to won’t beat Titanic to the all-time top-grossing movie title. We think. We may have got a little confused back there.

Anyway, our point is this – now that we’re living in a world where The Dark Knight hype is starting to wilt, it should be time that Batman 3 hype got a kick up the old wazoo. But first, let’s see where we stand with Batman 3 hype at the moment.

It’s a concrete, rock-solid, set in stone fact that neither The Penguin or Catwoman will be appearing in Batman 3, just as it’s scientifically unequivocal that Catwoman will be in Batman 3 and played by Angelina Jolie. But now a new report is suggesting that Catwoman will be in Batman 3 and played by Cher. And, since it’s the most recent, we’re more inclined to believe it. The Mirror reports:

Cher has been lined up to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. Cher, 62, was invited to join a cast which includes Johnny Depp as The Riddler. A studio executive revealed: “Cher is Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman. He wants her to portray her like a vamp in her twilight years. The new Catwoman will be the absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry’s purring creations.”

Actually, once you’ve got over the shock of Cher as Catwoman – and brace yourself, it’ll probably take up to six or seven hours for the news to sink in and the terror-sweats to stop – it actually makes a twisted amount of sense. After all, Cher and Catwoman are incredibly similar. Look…

1) They both have a terrible dress sense.

2) They both have problem hair.

3) They’re both gay icons.

4) Both of them believe in life after love.

5) Catwoman once had a ginger son with a face like a club foot, exactly like Cher did in the film Mask.

Spooky, huh? So, on the whole, we’re generally convinced that Cher being Catwoman is a perfectly good idea, although news of an older Catwoman has kind of given the game away that Batman 3 will revolve around the theme of vaginal prolapse. Oh well, we’ll get over it.

When it comes to the world of celebrities, however, this distinction is harder to make. Thank golly gosh for the Olsens then, who we’ve been able to watch all their lives as they became adults! With problems!

The latest occurrence in Mary-Kate Olsen’s quest for womanhood has come as she seeks immunity from prosecution in the investigation into Heath Ledger’s death earlier this year. Oh how she’s grown!

Investigators looking at the cause of Ledger’s death want to ask Mary-Kate some questions about a couple of powerful painkillers the Dark Knight star had taken before his death. However, the once cherub-faced little angel has now turned into a character akin to a mob boss, it would appear, as her lawyer has told the feds she won’t cooperate without immunity.

Aww, isn’t that sweet?

We’ve seen Mary-Kate on her journey through being a twin-child star, through growing up very much in the public eye and then taking on the necessary change from child to adult actress that brings down so many young actors.

Then we got to see her vilified by PETA, move away from solely working with her sister, having kidney problems and dealing with anorexia.

But this time she’s really gone and grown up – requesting legal immunity from federal investigators. It’s a big step in the life of any young woman and one that is sure to cement her position as a proper, bona-fide grown-up.

In a statement released to the media, Mary-Kate Olsen’s lawyer said:

“Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them.”

Which is all well and good, we’re not going to argue with that, nor are we going to accuse anyone of anything. But it does seem a bit strange when someone refuses to speak to investigators unless they are guaranteed immunity from prosecution. The statement goes on:

“Regarding the Government’s investigation, at Ms. Olsen’s request, we have provided the Government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.

We don’t know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the Government’s inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate.”

On the other hand though, while it may look like the Olsen that isn’t Ashley has something to hide, she may well be asking for these stipulations just to be on the safe side. It’s understandable, really, if she was involved with Heath Ledger just before his death – either as ‘just friends’ or more – that she’d want to play things with more caution.

Regardless, hecklerspray will be keeping a close eye. And we don’t grant immunity.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ’serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.

Morgan was travelling with an unnamed female companion when the crash occurred. Travelling eastbound on Highway 32, Tallahatchie Country, Mississippi, their car flipped several times before coming to rest. The name of the female passenger has not been released, but she is said to have suffered bruises as a result of the crash. The jaws of life were used to good effect and Freeman was airlifted around 90 miles for hospital treatment. He was upgraded from critical to serious condition, and more recent reports have left the actor with an even more positive prognosis.

Fortunately, both drugs and alcohol have been ruled out of the running for what caused the accident, meaning we don’t have to put up with another was-he wasn’t-he situation like young Shiny the Beef has had to contend with in recent weeks. Nor do we have to put up with possible insanity, like we did all those years back with Melvin. Obviously the wily old veteran that is Morgan Freeman would never be brash enough to take part in such an obviously stupid pursuit as driving under the influence.

Those young whippersnappers could learn a thing or three from God Himself.

But it would seem that the lord almighty can’t save himself from the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, which wild speculators (hello!) are claiming is the cause of Heath Ledger’s death and Christian Bale’s descent into alleged assault.

Now, let’s be honest here – Ledger’s death was a sad thing, unexpected and unwarranted. Bale’s case may have been his own fault, he may have been coaxed into it. Freeman’s crash is believed to have been as a result of falling asleep at the wheel, swerving and overcompensating. If this is a real curse then it’s a bit rubbish – none of your plagues on the family, eight arms on the first-born or evil gremlins turning up and wrecking your place up.

No, it’s an accidental overdose, some alleged shenanigans and an old man falling asleep at the wheel. These curse-makers really should go back to the drawing board and think up some new cursey goodness – or just stick with the classics. Doesn’t the bible have some good ones? Morgan Freeman should know about that, he is God after all.

Hecklerspray is sending you more get well beams through the internets, Morgan. Also some extra beams to help make sure the rubbish ‘curse’ doesn’t strike again. We have these kind of powers, you see.

That’s the question that has been buzzing around in our heads for the past few hours after news that there’s a distinct chance that the Goonies 2 film, rumoured for so very long, is actually in the early stages of real, bona-fide production.

And if the sources are to be believed, this isn’t a case of The Lost Boys 2: Straight To DVD And Missing The Point Of The First Completely – this is something Warner Brothers want to actually try and get right.

So how do we feel about that? Well, I would say we have mixed emotions.

See, everyone remembers The Goonies – it’s one of those films that everyone claims as their own, or that everyone claims defined their childhood in some way.

Kind of like Stand By Me, but with less River Phoenix. It just had a huge effect on so many young lives, older lives, middling lives and lives that came about later on – it’s a timeless classic. We’ll admit to that. We will – see? We just did it.

The fact that there have been rumours floating about regarding the possibility of a Goonies sequel for so long is sure to get anyone’s hackles up and turn them into the defensive wall of fury, angrily denying that anything will come about from any of this.

And we would never take that away from you – please feel free to shout, scream and generally be twits in the comments section below.

But when you pick up on news that says Warner Brothers are pushing the sequel as a big-budget blockbuster (and remember, this is the studio that released The Dark Knight, officially the best film ever), you start to take notice.

In fact, a source close to the project has told Moviehole that a team of writers are already working on a script and that some of the actors from the original film will be involved.

So how do we feel about the real prospect of a Goonie sequel? Well, taking such a cherished childhood memory and giving it a massive makeover, bringing the sequel to a whole new audience and churning millions of dollars into it could just result in this situation: you sit in the cinema, the film starts, it’s one and a half hours comprising of nothing but a turd staring back at you, steaming away on screen and stinking up the theatre.

You cry.

Your heart is broken.

Your childhood is ruined.

You lose all respect for Corey Feldman… wait – is that possible?

Nevertheless, hecklerspray awaits with baited breath for any further news on the matter.

When the movie does eventually come about we’ll be sure to decry it, lambast it and generally rip on it. Because let’s be honest here – we want it to be good, but there’s little chance The Goonies 2 will be anything more than fecal matter on a stick.

It’s something that maybe, possibly just should have been taught to everyone’s favourite beef machine, Shia LaBeouf, before he was involved in a smashed-up cartastrophe a week ago.

Unfortunately it seems that noone did teach Beefy this one life lesson, and the manchild has ended up with something of a mashed up hand. Halfway through filming Transformers 2. You broke the golden rule, Shia. Silly boy.

Fear not though, as director extraordinairre and all-round BOOM! BLAMMO! KABLAM! personality Michael Bay may well have a solution to the age-old problem of children crashing their cars halfway through filming huge-budget blockbusters: give him a CGI hand four times bigger than his head that transforms into a public toilet – of death.

What do you mean that’s not what he said? Ohhhh – he said he’d probably just write it into the script somehow. Makes more sense, we suppose.

Yes – while some actors have the good grace to go the whole hog and actually die towards the end of filming, so all that is needed is a stunt double and a few special effects (thanks, Brandon Lee in The Crow!), Shia LaBeouf had to go and hurt himself quite badly, but be alright enough to carry on with filming.

See, that’s just the selfish behaviour of a child, meaning that once again the adults have to come in and clean up the mess by writing in a scene when Optimus Prime stands on your hand or something.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

Not content with saying a naughty word and making everyone in the world overreact at him, he had to go and have himself a fairly serious accident, be accused of drink driving (which Michael Bay seemingly legally cleared him of) and then have it turn out that in all likelihood the accident wasn’t even his fault in the first place, thus making any criticism we may have levelled at Beefy concerning the accident null and void.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

In a typically balls-out, playing-by-his-own-rules fashion, director Michael Bay decided to ignore the four hours of surgery, the apparent partial paralysis and the fact that Shia’s hand probably doesn’t look much like a hand right now. Bay told Access Hollywood:

“His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story.”

Where other directors fear to tread – where they are sure they will fail, Michael Bay will emerge triumphant. Simply by saying Grimlock mistook Shia’s hand for the metal he so loves to “munch,” or that Beefy tried to take a cassette out of a tapedeck which turned out to be the evil Soundwave, who proceeded to slam the deck shut, trapping the tiny man’s hand. Or Kup makes a cameo, forcing Bifstek to mangle his own paw in a bizarre rite of passage, seeing as he’s old and mental.

Maybe?

Seriously – hecklerspray should charge for this stuff.

That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the Pacino not talking to people unless they address his character ’slight mentalness’ and well into the zone of ‘whoops he may well just be a bit odd in the head’.

But rejoice! For the Baler has bailed out of the cop shop pending further questioning!

Though that does mean he may go and strike again, if he did do anything in the first place. God knows the tabloids warn us of these repeat offenders in Gordon Brown’s Britain.

It must have been difficult for the police questioning Bale, what with his penchant for not revealing any personal information in interviews, ever. The fact that he makes a habit of staying in character – accents and all – beyond filming and throughout promotional tours may well have pushed the whole police grilling into the realms of farcical. You could say it was something of a Dark Knight for all involved.

Amid rampant speculation about how or why Bale may have attacked his family comes very little in the way of actual, concrete information. There has been speculation that he simply shouted at his mum after she said something about his wife. But Christian’s close relatives are keeping just as schtum as the Batman himself, so we are still in the dark.
This, of course, irritates us in the world of highbrow journalism at hecklerspray, as it means we don’t get to employ our nifty quote function. There is this though, a statement released by Bale’s lawyer Simon Smith – it works as an excuse to bring up those large quotation marks:

“Christian Bale attended a London police station today on a voluntary basis. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police.”

No charges have been made as of yet, and Bale has been ordered to return for further questioning in September. That gives him nearly two months to roam the streets. Maybe all that time spent working with Russell Crowe on 3:10 To Yuma wasn’t a complete waste after all, and Christian took away some fine life lessons on things like phone hurling and general fighting round the world.

We can only hope that the release of Terminator Salvation, which stars Bale, isn’t hampered by a similar incident of alleged assault. Who knows? We can say one thing for certain about the Baler – he really is unpredictable.

Folded:

• The Dark Knight advance word (strong. Real strong)

• Today At Wimbledon on BBC 2 (a nice wind-down way to spend the evening. Pity it wasn’t on against Big Brother)

• Debbie King records a pop single (we love her)

• Crazy old Werner Herzog (recently featured in a pompous documentary on BBC1. He's always class)

• DavidScarborough.co.uk (writes for us; writes rather spiffing film reviews)

Creased:

• Only five months and three weeks until Christmas – or thereabouts (where has the year gone? Nowhere, you’ve done nothing with it. Yet)

• Wanted (not so much)

• Debbie King records a pop single (anyone actually listened to it?)

• Spoilers (everyone knew the Rachel one in The Dark Knight, yeah? No, not everyone)

• Back to You (Yes, back to you in the studio, Frasier)