Resident Evil 6 – Will It Be Gash?

Resi 6, PS3, HorrorVideo games get sequels all the time. We’re near-constantly being beaten around the head with them. Yet, there are few video games that prompt more feverish excitement amongst fans than the Resident Evil series, so let’s have a gander at the trailer for Resident Evil 6 shall we?

The uneducated will confuse this with the trailer for some dreadful Underworld-style actual film, but hardcore Resident Evil fans will be simultaneously excited and dismayed by the teasers for ‘the gaming experience of 2012’ (ie: ‘the gaming experience of four hours of 2012 so they can be the first to post a review on gamefaqs.com’).

Use your bleary, bloodshot eyes to watch the trailer and read our jokes over the jump:

0:11 Oh God it’s Leon from Resident Evils 2 and 4. And he’s still not ditched the whole emo/military thing. Get a haircut Leon.

0:39 The president of the United States informs Leon what a great relationship they have. HE’S JUST LIKE JACK BAUER. Hang on though. Bloody hell, Leon and his hair have now shot the president of the United States. Some random woman is involved. Crackers. This isn’t like 24 at all.

1:11 “90% of the population of Tall Oaks have been infected with the virus. That runs at about 70,000 hostiles.” Says some woman in a Situation Room.

“Yeah, this is Raccoon City all over again.” Says Leon and his hair.

No, this is Resident Evil 2 all over again. Resident Evil 2 was not a good game. Bugger.

1:29 The action has transferred to Japan! Because the Japan bit was the best bit of The Dark Knight! (The Japan bit was not the best bit of The Dark Knight. It wasn’t even in Japan! It was Hong Kong! Pay attention, Capcom!) It’s got Chris Redfield from the first Resident Evil in it! He’s part of some sort of Alpha Team. Oh dear. Fans of the series will know that being part of an Alpha Team is like wearing being beamed down to a planet in Star Trek wearing a red shirt.

2:06 Yeah, Alpha Team seem to meet some terrible grief. Involving Nemesis from Resident Evil 3 by the look. The one no-one enjoyed. Yawn.

2:16 Oh no. Surely not. The squeaky voice… yes, it’s Ashley from Resident Evil 4. Massively annoying, complains-if-you-look-up-her-skirt, only-useful-for-crawling-through-the-very-few0obviously-placed-confined-spaces-in-the-whole-game Ashley. “The world needs you!” She squeaks. Monumentally tiresome Ashley.

2:40 Chris Redfield in full effect! He nearly says “Bitch” but it’s edited. A young male colleague warns him against a “personal vendetta” like he’s Chase Edmunds out of series 3 of 24 or something. And we all know what happened to him. Rumours that you get to chop the cocky little bastard’s hand off yourself are currently unconfirmed by Capcom.

2:47 onwards. Standard scenes to be honest. This viewer could be watching any trailer for anything at all.

Oh do you know what? It’ll be like this – abysmal control system as always, inability to run whilst shooting as always, co-op throughout that no-one wants (even in single player), bunch of hardcore fans going all “it’s not even a Resident Evil game, I liked it when it wasn’t fully-rendered 3D and you had to wait 30 seconds for a door to open on the Dreamcast so the next bunch of gloomy corridors and rooms could load” and otherwise it’ll be brilliant.

Enjoy. Or don’t.

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