Hello soap fans, have a good weekend? Did you all wake up covered in vomit and shame this morning? Excellent news, you’re all disgusting and that’s why we tolerate you.

Last week was exciting in Soapland wasn’t it? All that stuff happened and then that other stuff happened too! Yeah we didn’t watch any of it but we looked back at our spoilers last week and they were utterly compelling.

Ready to sober up and read this drivel? Fantastic.

First up it’s Eastenders where Jack and Roxy hate each other and are still squabbling over that child they call Amy. Is that even her name? We don’t know.  We do know what you’re thinking about all this though- ‘On Friday the courts will decide who gets custody and then we can all move on and look forward to Heather’s death!’ but sadly those sneaky writers decided that Jack and Roxy need to turn all of that hate into second rate couch sex meaning Ronnie will find out, escape from prison, go nuts and start stealing babies again because that was a excruciatingly stupid really brilliant story line which needs to be repeated.  So who gets custody of Amy? Who cares. This isn’t real.

The new Lucy decides to thwart Mandy’s wedding dress fitting which is excellent news as it gives us an excuse to use the word ‘thwart.’  Lucy throws some coffee over Mandy’s wedding dress after claiming to have seen a mouse,  resulting in a big fight in the Queen Vic with Lucy facing the wrath of Salter.  Our favourite person on Eastenders Kim, organises a date with someone called Sinclair and when Ray jokes about her being ‘easy’ she decks him, with another slap aimed at Sinclair for having a stupid name.

Finally Bianca tries to kiss Ray and he recoils in horror. Understandably.

Next we’re off to Coronations Street where Carla is still getting a hard time at the factory. Peter suggests they move away from everyone and despite our cries of ‘F**KING DO IT!! GET OFF MY TELLY YOU BLAND SOAP ACTORS FROM HELL!!’, Carla decides to stay and front it out. Bitch.

Tracy plays loud music to wind up Steve. Tracy turns the heating down to wind up Steve.  Tracy must be stopped.

Jason and Rosie’s sexy story hits the front pages of the Gazette. When Owen sees the story he sacks Jason and Rosie is dropped from her road safety campaign but then cheers up when she’s offered a screen test for a new reality TV show.  It was at this point we decided to throw the communal laptop out of the window and never speak of this show again.

Neighbours time and Toadie can’t quite believe that Peter may be responsible for the attack on Chris!! We can’t believe it either! TOADIE! Who is Chris? But then he’s questioned by the police and ends up being accused of attacking the man we don’t know or care about one bit. It’s alright though because Rhys finds Chris at the garage and proves that not only is he good at finding people, he can perform emergency surgery on missing people whenever he damn well pleases.  Chris dies. HA! He doesn’t.

Kyle assumes that he and Jade and in a relationship but she reacts badly when the ‘R’ word is mentioned. We do hope ‘R’ stands for Rimming.

Thank god that’s over, time to mock another soap star and this week it’s Mark Fowler off Eastenders for the best moment ever on Dancing on Ice.

Hello readers. Have a good week? If our frighteningly accurate hecklerscopes are correct, then most of you are either dead or feeling a very real sense of shame and self loathing. Either is fine with us. For those of you still here, let’s look at what’s going to happen in Soapland this week.

Yep, you guessed it, Eastenders first and before we begin, we’d like to announce some exciting news which may not be true but we’ll share it with you anyway.

Heather will be brutally murdered by Ben! hecklerspray writer Robin Darke predicted that she’d be killed by George Michael who would then launch a campaign of terror culminating in him pissing all over Arthur’s bench, but we’ll settle for Ben being all stabby.

Characters are  leaving!  Yes – Mo, Mandy, Afia, Amira, Tyler, Anthony, Billy and Lola are all for the chop and this means we’ll get loads more fresh talent and stop getting ghosts of Eastenders past, returning whenever they feel like it. What? Oh….

Sharon is returning.

Anyway,  Jane left last week under a cloud of mascara and snotters and no-one cares as they’re all too busy being self centered and fictional. The Bland Brothers Tyler and Anthony owe money to Derek for reasons we’ve already forgotten and he tells them to either cock it or walk it. No. Sorry, he tells them to help him out in committing a crime or he’ll break their spindly little legs. Then Patrick gets involved and then Michael and then the Police and it’s all rather tedious. Janine steps in and offers to pay Derek off and we long for the old days when she’d have laughed and happily skipped over their corpses while hurling abuse at passing pigeons.

Shirley convinces soon to be murderer Ben to visit Phil in prison and of course Phil tells him to retract his statement and he’ll forget about the whole thing. Probably not the ‘gay’ thing but the blackmail thing anyway. Ben says he’ll dance on Phil’s grave when he dies and we really hope it’s in some sort of German slap folk dancing.

Roxy’s little angel Amy pinches George at playgroup and Whitney decides to have it out with the parents (as she’s now qualified in child psychology after two minutes working in a nursery making rice maracas), telling Roxy and Jack it’s their fault for squabbling so much. They grass her up to her boss and Whitney thinks she’ll lose her job. She doesn’t. Those preschool pasta faces won’t stick themselves to the paper – she’s a valued member of staff.

Elsewhere, Lucy interrupts a passionate moment between Ian and Mandy as she continues to compete with Mandy for her Dad’s affection which is quite creepy really. Heather gets engaged (DEATH IS COMING HEATHER) and Fat Boy thinks Whitney is cheating on him because she probably is.

Next we shuffle off to Coronation Street where Frank’s trial begins and Carla takes the stand. Oh it’s exciting isn’t it? Both her and Peter deny having an affair until photographs are shown of them kissing and then Leanne wonders if she can ever forgive the insipid alcoholic.  But the burning question is- DOES HE GET SENT DOWN FOR RAPE??? The answer to that is-  NO HE DOESN’T. Cleared of all charges. So we hear anyway. Our ‘sources’ are very unreliable.

With Becky gone, Tracy is determined to make it work with Steve but he tells her that he never loved her and in fact still loves Becky.  She then returns home to find that Owen has turned No.13 into two self contained flats and threatens to tell the council as he didn’t get planning permission. Oh shut up.

Finally, we’re going to visit Casualty as apparently it’s also a soap. Who knew?  After taking on her sister’s two children, someone called Linda tries to fit them in around her working life and gets help from someone who we know even less about.  An old lady called Doris has Alzheimer’s and is attacked leaving Lloyd to try and figure out what happened. Then Keith returns complaining on neck pain and Zoe thinks it could be caused by the time he was forcibly restrained by Sam after he threatened Dylan in the ED? What does any of that mean?

Glad that’s over? So are we and as promised here’s another soap star making themselves look like an idiot. Here’s Adam Rickitt all naked and ending his singing career before it even started.

It’s soap spoiling time again you lucky people!  Once again we’ve been held at gunpoint and forced to write stuff about something we’d only care less about if we were dead. Want to know what exciting things happen in Hollyoaks this week?  Tough. We didn’t include them.

As usual we’re off to Eastenders first and before we give you this weeks predictable spoilers, we’d like to jump up and down topless in appreciation of Kim, who’s near death rubbish pile romance scene with Ray was our highlight of last week.

This week Ben’s hilarious plan to get his dad arrested has finally worked. Yes Phil Mitchell has been charged with the murder of Stella in a plot so drawn-out we had to look on YouTube to remember what actually happened. We’re still not sure.  However, the smug grin is soon wiped off his face when Shirley throws him out and he’s forced to go and live with Ian Beale and as you all know, when you move in with Ian you have to marry him – it’s Eastenders law.

Anyway, it seems that once upon a time, Bianca managed to sleep with someone who wasn’t completely unattractive! New face Ray is determined to be a dad to Morgan and offers to cook dinner for the Butchers. He then reveals he has a daughter called Sasha and Bianca isn’t happy. OH THERE’S A SHOCKER.  Still, our protests last week seem to have worked and Ricky has pissed off, so hopefully Bianca will be next.

Elsewhere, Tanya and Jane fall out over her plans to go to Wales, Lucy confronts Mandy over her secret phone calls and Derek gives Ben a jumper. This isn’t a euphemism.

Next we go to Coronation Street because you lot moan when we don’t write about it. Tracy and Steve get married this week and as Tracy is a scheming, lying villain, you know this won’t end well or have any comedy value whatsoever. Yes Becky gatecrashes the church to tell Steve that Tracy is all of those things we’ve just mentioned and manages to ruin the whole bloody charade.  Don’t fret though, BECKY IS LEAVING! We’ve already put bunting up in the hecklerspray bedsit as between her and Ricky Butcher being removed from our televisons, we haven’t been this happy in a long time. Pete and Carla share some really unconvincing kisses and plan a secret hotel rendezvous so they can engage in some really mediocre sex acts. What they don’t know is that Frank has a private investigator following them, called Trish.  Trish?

Trish was always one step ahead.

Finally, despite the fact we haven’t watched Neighbours in 25 years, we’ll still tell you stuff as you obviously haven’t moved on.  First of all, Guy Pearce is a brilliant actor. He’s done really well for himself hasn’t he? Sadly he’s not in Neighbours anymore, but do you know who still is? Stefan Dennis, aka Paul Robinson.  This week he puts together his case to fight for Kate’s career. We don’t know who Kate is but you probably do so that’s all that matters. Emilia teaches Tash some Wiccan method called ‘grounding’ which hopefully involves her being buried alive somewhere and someone called Chris is gay.

It’s fair to say we’ve all learned something important this week.

Anyway, let us end this excuse for a feature with a video of a soap star doing something they should be particularly ashamed of.

Expect more of these.

CHRIST ON A BIKE, it’s been a whole week since we’ve been here! Can you believe it?!! That was rhetorical. Shut up. Now that Pat has been airlifted out of this world to the tune of Sweet Caroline, it’s time to get back to the real world, and by real world we mean an entirely fictitious one, created to make you waste several hours of your life when you could be saving kittens or learning to read.

Ready?

First this week it’s Eastenders, where the Bianca and Ricky saga continues to bore the living shit out of everyone as it’s now been running since 1993. They’re back together. No wait, they’re splitting up. Oh hang on they’re back together. OH JUST DIE. LEAVE. TOGETHER. OR SEPARATELY. WE DON’T CARE.  Want to know what happens? Just YouTube Eastenders from 1998 and save us the agony of discussing it any further.

Other characters do stuff too! The new Lucy now officially hates Mandy and decides to set her up by scoring some pills from her and then craftily arranging it for Bobby to find them.  Then off she pops to befriend Dr Death’s daughter Afia and lead her astray whilst homosexual husband stalker Amira scowls at her with her long face.

Rubbish crime fighter DCI Marsden is sniffing around Ben, hoping that the little weasel will tell her everything about Phil’s involvement in The Cut and Shut of  2008 or The Great Train Robbery of 1903, or that time he walked out of Tesco with a Twix in his trolley and didn’t pay for it; it’s all the same to her. She wants him GAWN and quite frankly so do we.  Of course Ben feels rejected by Phil once again and tells Marsden he wants to change his statement, opening the fiery gates and unleashing another 75 weeks of ‘Will Phil Mitchell Get Away With It?’ storyline hell.

In other news, Lauren is annoyed at being grounded. That’s cutting edge stuff right there.

Next up we trudge over to Coronation Street where we’re hoping that Becky has dropped off the face of the earth. Sadly we find out this isn’t so and she’s been busy trying to clear her name and demanding answers from Deirdre, who should still be in prison for overacting and thinking that she could ever bag a pilot.

To cut a long tedious story short, Tracy had a miscarriage the day before Becky pushed her down the stairs and is therefore a big stinking liar but you already knew this. Danny then stuns Becky, not with a taser unfortunately but with a proposition. He wants her to go to Barbados with him for ever. And ever. And ever. Let it be good news this time.

Kevin receives his divorce papers and commiserates with Tyrone and it looks like the world’s most uninspiring friendship could be on the mend.

SHOCKING STORY LINE OF THE WEEK!!!

Owen hits Faye because she was responsible for killing the fish. We don’t even know who Faye is but she sounds like a complete prick.

Faye had been planning this for weeks.

Finally we run at full speed towards Hollyoaks because it’s very likely that someone will take their top off and we won’t care what happens for at least three minutes or possibly even six minutes if we light some sexy candles first. It seems that Dennis faces a DILEMMA SO HUGE we had to use capitals- He can either take his dream job in Dubai or stay and declare his love for Leanne. Callum with the drawn on beard is concerned about George for reasons we didn’t bother looking into and  Lynsey persuades Cheryl not to give up on her dream. Of going to Uni. Really?

That’s it. What more do you want?

Once again. Shut. Up.

Hello soap fans!! Missed us? No, we didn’t give you a second thought either but now that we’ve just about recovered from Pat’s quick, yet annoyingly drawn out death, we’re back to spoil everything for you and tell you what’s going to happen this week. But first here’s a little catch up.

Did we mention that Pat was dead? Well she is. Her last moments were spent in bed with a soaking wet Michael French shouting “MUM!” 2cm from her face, weighed down by monstrous earrings, desperately clinging to a script that would never end while the country secretly wished that David Essex would appear from the wardrobe singing ‘Oh What a Circus.’

Sadly, not even fake son number 2 Nick Berry could be bothered to turn in the Vic and play ‘Every Loser Wins’ on the piano so off she popped and now we all have the funeral to look forward to (40 sodding minutes of funeral time on Friday viewers. You have been warned.)

Up to speed then? Good.

This week on Albert Square, David and Carol decide that they still love each other, much to the dismay of her evil brother Derek who is quite frankly the best villain to grace the Square since that dastardly Wilmot Brown fella in 1872.

He tells David that he’s still going to continue being a rotter regardless and David enlists the help of Michael ‘sometimes my smile is quite alarming’ Moon to get rid of Derek. However after a bungled stitch up, David decides to run away and asks Carol to go with him. But will she go? WE DON’T CARE.

Meanwhile Janine saves the day when she agrees to pay for Pat’s funeral, buy Pat’s house so that the most annoying family on television can rent it from her and even says something heartfelt at Pat’s funeral. We don’t like helpful Janine and we hope she gives birth to a demon who will raise Frank Butcher from the dead and slap some sense into her.

Lucy comes back for Pat’s funeral this week with a completely new face and no-one seems to notice.  She then demands to know who Mandy is, decides she doesn’t like her and plots to get rid of her. We doubt it’ll be a LETS SET FIRE TO EVERYONE! storyline like Yusef had but we hope it involves some sort of murderous rage.

Lauren gets dumped by Tyler as he really loves astoundingly thick Whitney. She get pissed and threatens to jump out of her bedroom window but her fringe blocks her view and her parents realise it’s time to take action but probably won’t as good parenting is forbidden on Eastenders.

When Morgan questions his skin colour and asks who his father is,  Bianca tells him it’s Barack Obama and someone on the script-writing team gets fired.  Whitney then plays detective and tracks down Morgan’s father Ray who doesn’t know he has a son and a new, recurring character klaxon sounds somewhere in the distance.

Elsewhere, Bianca tells Ricky it’s over for the millionth time, Tiffany is terrified that Pat is haunting the Butcher house (we hope this is true) and Pat’s coffin gets dragged outside to the tune of ‘Sweet Caroline’ which is just plain weird.

Oh, and the other soaps just don’t matter. Apart from Brendan Brady in Hollyoaks who is the best thing the world has ever seen.

Dancing on Ice. It’s always been the runty sibling of the celeb reality shows, hasn’t it? Relegated to Sunday nights in January when anyone with any sense is in the pub breaking every single resolution all at once. They may be missing a show that clearly has the best premise of any show ever broadcast ever, but they don’t care. The fools.

The magic of DOI is that its full celebrities so desperate for attention that they’re willing to brain themselves on some frozen water in the vain hope that they might get a feature in Closer magazine about their incredible new figure.

They’re putting themselves in actual, mortal danger. Because they want to be back on TV. Does anything ever get better than that?

Clearly, ITV think it does, because they’ve only gone and totally mucked around with the entire show just to irk us off. Gone is Holly Willoughby and her spectacular, heaving rack, leaving the Dads of Britain with one less thing to jerk over. That’s because she’s been replaced by Christine Bleakley and her incredibly pointy and sackable (and punchable) face.

Even the judging panel isn’t safe; it’s still led by ‘Olympic Champion’ Robin Cousins, but Jason Gardner and his hair transplant have been replaced by Louie Spence. Emma Bunton, meanwhile, lost her her place to some bint called Katarina who apparently does actually know some stuff about skating because she won a few things once or something.

Although who cares about the credibility. We just want some good bitchy quotes.

Thankfully they’ve still managed to dig out 15 fame-hungry cretins who are willing to attach blades to the bottom of their feet and spin round in circles a bit, so some things never change. We’d tell you who they are, but we did that last week and you should’ve been paying attention. What we will tell you though, is that Chesney Hawkes broke his entire self and has been replaced by Chico. Which can only make things more ridiculous.

And last night the first seven “celebs” tried not to kill themselves on live TV. Even though the entire country was willing everyone to do a little bit of falling over. First up BigFace Sugababe Heidi wore a blazer to practice, which was clearly hugely inappropriate. Then she broke her original partner by destroying his absolutely massive arms. We briefly expected Brendan Cole to appear and save the day, but some Russian guy did instead.

Then she did her routine and didn’t fall over and the judges said some things and it wasn’t that exciting.

Next up was Mark from “Sam and Mark”, that dreadful Pop Idol-spawned kids TV monstrosity. He was paired with Frankie-no-surname. And according to the VT, he was awful. Truly, appalling dreadful. And probably person most likely to fall over, which was why they made him skate to ‘I’m Still Standing’.

Annoyingly, he didn’t fall over, although he did have the best wobbly leg that TV has ever seen.  It was like he was being electrocuted from the waist down. Whilst pulling a stupid face. And getting low marks.

Out for the Mum votes was Charlene Tilton, who was apparently once in Dallas. hecklerspray’s mum says she was called the ‘poison dwarf’. Everyone on Dancing on Ice says she has “loads of energy”, which possibly translates as “more annoying than ten Timmy Mallets.” She definitely annoyed us by being a little bit good.

Jorgie Porter may not be able to spell her own name, but according to her VT she’s up for anything. And has none of the fear.  But she did have a slow song, which, through some weird reverse logic is apparently harder than a quick one. She did all sorts of complicated lifts and scored 18.5 which was apparently the best thing any of them had ever seen.

Stuck attempting to follow Jorgie and her flounciness was Chemmy Allcott who is apparently a downhill skier who has broken everything in her body. Including shattering her leg. So obviously going on ice is a really, really great idea and not at all likely to end in a horrific injury.

Thankfully for both Chemmy and the future of British skiing she made it through without damaging anything else. Which is probably for the best. Because if she fell over there’s every chance she’d actually break into a million tiny little pieces. And then ITV would have to pay out a lot of compensation to traumatised viewers and would have no budget left to produce such classic telly as Wild at Heart. And nobody wants that.

Following Chemmy, the human Humpty Dumpty, was some bloke called Andy who is apparently a Blue Peter presenter. And was far too chirpy for his own good. He spent a lot of the VT dropping his partner Maria, which got our hopes up that he might do that on actual live TV.

He didn’t. In fact, he was quite good. Which means that we have no interest in him at all.

Closing the show was some other Andy who is apparently the comedian of Coronation Street. We were led to believe that he’d be comically dreadful, but instead he was boringly mediocre.  The selfish twat.

And yet, Mediocre Andy didn’t find himself in the skate-off. Nor did useless Mark. That questionable honour was reserved for Heidi and Chirpy Andy, because ITV viewers apparently hate joy. And the Sugababes. The ice panel chose to save Heidi, presumably because they couldn’t be bothered with the hassle and confusion of having two Andys in the competition. Who cares about talent and ability? Not Robin Cousins.

Still, the nice people at ITV have given us another full week to recover from the unfulfilled promise of tonight’s show and prepare ourselves for the first skates of the other half of the celebrities. Hopefully one of them will do what they’re meant to and stack it spectacularly.

Our money’s on Chico.

Still reeling from the Christmas carbohydrate intake and eventually calming down from the unfortunate and thinly veiled insults from your elderly, racist grandmother? Well don’t get too comfortable because your rage-meter is set to reach all new, Jeremy Clarkson-esque highs with the unveiling of the Desperate Slags on Ice lineup.

Dancing On Ice always been a one-stop WTF shop, comprised of people you’d generally forgotten had even existed, only to turn up, get their face smashed off ice and then slink off into The Bill or Holby City, or if they’re lucky, series 300 of My Family.

It’s the final stop on the bus ride to celebrity oblivion before Celebrity Big Brother with Michael Barrymore and whatever natural body parts of Pete Burns are left.

This year doesn’t show any signs of being less dickish, in fact, some might say that this year’s is the best line up yet.

Not us, obviously. Why would we say that? Anyone desperate to appear on Dancing On Ice will be turning tricks for three Kit Kats and a Bounty before Year’s End. But, consummate professionals as we are, we should take a cursory glance over who’s putting themselves up for our derision.

It’s only right.

Corey Feldman, with some ridiculous Jackson-esque fringe nonsense leads the list of desperadoes, followed closely by (soon to be ex) Sugababe Heidi Range and professional Student Union performer, Chesney Hawkes as the triumvirate of twats that everyone will have heard of. Especially with Gremlins being on ITV2 every night over Christmas. That film is full of the Feldman.

Then there’s fitness expert Rosemary Conley, who we can’t bring ourselves to speak ill of, Sam and Mark, who we do nothing other than speak ill of, Emmerdale spunky hunk Matthew Wolfenden and his binary opposite Andy Whyment (its Kirk. Kirk. Him with the nose).

Giving it a college try there’s also Laila Morse (the fattest Eastender now that Pat Butcher went to the Great Kathy’s Cafe in the sky *sniff*), ex-Blue Peter presenter and soon to be cocaine addict, Andy Akinwolere and the great big pair of tits that is Jennifer Ellison.

And Chemmy Alcott, Charlene Tilton and Sebastien Foucan, who we don’t know, and don’t need to know.

Who’s your favourite to fall flat on their face and dissolve into a mess of blood and tears? We’d quite like to see what damage a collision with ice will do to Kirk’s already deformed nose.

It’s spoiler time again people, which will either ruin your week and send you into a murderous rage or you’ll thank us very sweetly like the hideous Munchkins that you are. Either is fine with us.

This week, there’s so much going on in Eastenders that we’ve decided to say “BALLS!” to the other soaps and shower you with events from the very real and not at all fictional Albert Square.

And no, you’re not allowed to complain. YOU ARE FORBIDDEN.

It seems like Amira still hasn’t accepted the fact that Syed likes boys. You know, men… the same sex.  Oh for the love of god, HE LIKES COCK AMIRA, get this into your thick head.  She enlists the help of Yusef, who delighted that his rather dull character hasn’t been killed off yet, and who promises to help her win back Syed if she helps him win back Zainab. Give it a rest.

He almost wets his pants with excitement when Ben tells him that Christian touched him ‘inappropriately’ while they watched a DVD together and decides to tell Zainab that Christian has been molesting Ben for weeks behind Syed’s back. Of course this isn’t remotely true, except for the part where Ben and Christian did watch a DVD together and Ben decided that kissing Christian would be the best idea that anyone has ever had. EVER.

It wasn’t.

We’re also slightly confused as to why Yusef’s idea of wooing Zainab is to tell her tales of molested teenagers in order to win her trust but quite frankly, we don’t care that much either.

Phil finds out about the dreadful rumour and decides to batter Christian with a baseball bat and only then does Ben decided to admit he’s a lying toad but it’s too late; Christian packs his bags, Yusef violently pushes Zainab up against a mirror and there’s even a deceased turkey with a bullet in it which breaks Janine’s tooth. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE BEN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Elsewhere, Ian and Mandy are still trying to convince everyone that the quickest and most unbelievable engagement in the history of Eastenders, is something other than tedious. Mandy is furious when she finds out the real cost of her engagement ring and is so upset by this fact and that she let Ian Beale put his thing near her, she sends Bobby into the street to play and he vanishes. Don’t fret though, he does return, accompanied by the brilliant Jane! Remember Jane? The one who left after she had that non sexual fling with Masood behind Ian’s back and wanted to bring up Lucy’s child and oh, it doesn’t really matter does it?

Masood is happy to see her, but then he isn’t. BUT THEN HE IS and it goes on like this for a while until Jane decides she’ll hang around for a while and laugh at Ian’s mid life crisis and pretend to be from That London.

Finally, everyone is now aware that Pat Butcher is finally hanging up her earrings and leaving Eastenders for good. Those of you who didn’t know are no doubt cheering loudly. It’s fine. We’ll wait.

What you didn’t know is that she doesn’t burn to death in some totally expected house fire, oh no, she gets an even better exit, by upstaging Tanya and finding out she’s also got cancer which will kill her immediately. Well after she’s dragged it out a bit and given everyone some nonsense words of wisdom and  licked that poster of Frank one last time. Then she’s definitely dying and never ever coming back ever again.

So it’s not all bad news then.

Until next week …

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It’s time to visit Soapland again as we know this is the only thing that makes your miserable existence bearable. We even caught Matthew Laidlow trying to bribe fellow writer Joanna Bolouri with cake and even violence in the hope she’d reveal the whereabouts of David Essex since his departure.

He’s still recovering in hospital as she takes Soaps even more seriously that you losers do.

First up it’s Eastenders where it’s Yasmin’s first birthday party and as Christian has never missed a party in his life, he buys her a card and teddy, hoping to get an invite. Realising that Christian is only using her daughter’s party as an excuse to get on the good foot, Amira tells Syed he’s not welcome and Syed secretly puts his plans to backflip naked onto Christian on hold.

Amira’s father Qadim arrives at the party, demanding she leave this soap immediately but as Amira still has weeks left to bore everyone with her baby, she refuses.

Emotionless Yusef  gets the fake DNA test results back and hands them over to Christian who then confronts Amira with the news that Syed isn’t Yasmin’s father. No-one bothers to notice that the DNA came from a Chinese woman Yusef once treated in his surgery for heartburn.

When Masood pops his head round the door and tells everyone that Yusef probably falsified the tests, Yusef stares blankly and tells Zainab that the NHS provided the results and therefore he is really a nice man who’s only marginally interested in destroying everyone who’s ever been born.  Zainab believes him until drag queen granny Rose tells her that the NHS don’t provide DNA tests and Yusef is forced to admit that  he’s a ball bag.

Elsewhere on the Square, Poppy and Jodie have moved in with those Moon brothers and everyone immediately shouts ‘SHAG FEST!!!” Tyler also gets this idea into his head and convinces Anthony that the girls want to have a threesome, despite the fact even Wham loving Heather would be dirtier in the sack than those two combined. Finished picturing that? You’re welcome.

Needless to say he soon finds out that they are less than impressed by the suggestion so they all laugh it off and then the girls decide they both quite fancy Anthony so, IT COULD STILL HAPPEN IF ENOUGH BOOZE IS INVOLVED.  We hope the Eastenders writers are as sexually repressed as we are.

‘Fiwl’ Mitchell returns with amnesia and suggests that Ben dates Lola and Ben stops imagining Christian’s undercarriage for a second and moans that his Dad doesn’t  love him.  He then agrees to babysit Amy while Roxy goes out and gets hammered, before deciding it would be more fun to leave toddler Amy alone in the house while he pretends to be straight with Jay.

Amy’s decision to lie face down in some bath water causes everyone to panic and take her to hospital where Jack finds out that Amy has an unexplained fracture. A  perpetually hungover Roxy arrives at the hospital to be told that either Jack gets custody of Amy or Amy goes into care and Roxy will be taken to court. Oh look. Another storyline about parental struggle with an inevitable custody battle. Great.  Where the hell is that threesome?

Finally, Tanya’s text buddy Siobhan dies and Tanya has a panic attack.

Grim.

Next we  arrive in Coronation Street where Fiz hopes that John’s confession will stop her going back to prison but will it? We don’t know and we couldn’t find anyone else who’s be bothered to find out either.

Carla is still a wreck and after telling the factory girls that they’ll get paid after they finish sewing some knickers, she just snaps and fires them. Then Frank decides to offer them all jobs and an unhinged Carla calls him a rapist and tells the women they can have their jobs back. We’re as confused as they are.

It’s Sophie’s birthday this week but as usual all the attention is focused on Rosie when the Gazette article is published and contains gossip about the family along with some tasteless photos. This makes us happy.

Elsewhere, Michelle’s parents take the news that she’s getting married on the beach badly as no-one wants to fall over and get  sand up their bumhole after 17 Mojitos.

Until next week…

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And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.

Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he’s due to star in the play, yes someone’s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.

And people say that theatre is too high-brow.

Other stars of the show, about a group of lads who decide to become strippers, you know, like in that film with Robert Carlisle, will include Danny Young, who played Warren in Corrie, Marcus Patrick a.k.a. Ben Davies from Hollyoaks and Dale Howard, from… erm… Big Brother.

This has Olivier Award written all over it.

Wildboyz is due to grace the towns of Stevenage, Bradford, Leicester, Skegness, Colchester, Plymouth, Newcastle and Margate. And while there are no immediate plans for a West End run we here at hecklerspray are certain that Messrs Reid, Patrick, Young and Howard will be treading the boards at the Victoria, Apollo or Gielgud in no time.

Whether the theatre will be open that day or not will be another matter.

The show has been described, by the people who have been paid to lie about how good it is, as:

A hysterical tease from the beginning to its spectacular climax, lifting the lid on the world of celebrity, with audience participation, guaranteeing not a dry seat in the house.

Not a dry seat? Are the audience all going to void the bowels with shame after being subjected to Alex Reid’s acting talent?

That’s REALLY selling it to us.

One thing remains certain at least, even with pictures like the one below floating around, there’s not much of a chance of Alex or the rest of the Wildboyz being signed by Katie Price.

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This week we’re dedicating the entire spoilers section to Eastenders! Why? We have no idea but there’s so much going on we literally wet our pants writing this.

First up on Albert Square, the next story line destined to drag out for at least 17 years continues with Amira using her daughter Yasmin to manipulate ex husband Syed for reasons still unknown to everyone, even the writers.

Ben spots them playing happy families in the park and tells Christian who takes off his white vest and thinks Ben is a specky liar but doesn’t tell him that because he’s too busy frowning and flexing in his direction. A sexually frustrated  Ben then asks hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri to help him out by opening a cafe, where Syed and Amira will rendezvous, allowing Christian to catch them at it.  Hoping this will speed up this stupid plot, she readily agrees.

When Roxy finds out about Syed and Amira she marches Christian to Joanna’s cafe and as if by magic he catches Syed and Amira together. Everyone argues, shouts and kick each other under the table, except baby Yasmin who’s the only grown up in this whole sorry mess.

Zainab returns from Pakistan to discover she’s a granny, much to Yusef’s dismay as he’s still hoping to kill her with sleeping pills and pointy faced glaring but now some dastardly child is going to ruin his plans, so he decides to tell Christian that Yasmin may not be Syed’s daughter. Noticing that the baby has not yet launched herself from her buggy and backflipped across Albert Square, Christian thinks this may be true and gives Yusef one of Syed’s hairs to do a DNA test.

Sigh.

Elsewhere, Lauren has started pinning her fringe back which is a huge, HUGE mistake as she now can’t use the ‘my hair was in my eyes’ excuse for sleeping with Tyler but more importantly, we can’t make fun of it. Whitney finds out and goes mental at Tyler, who reminds her that she’s with the world’s worst DJ, Fatboy now and we’re reminded that this is the most pitiful romance in history.

Lola makes a joke about Ben being gay and Ben is so shocked by this completely true allegation, he decides he’ll sleep with her to shut her up.  Afterwards Ben realises that he hates vaginas even more than ever and tells Lola that he’s definitely gay which is just what any girl wants to hear after sex.

The brilliant Janine is a year older than she was last year and decides she’ll have something called a birthday but no-one cares. She stomps around all day,  kicking stray dogs and plotting everyone’s demise but then Michael, knowing that even evil girls like twinkly fairy lights, saves the day by throwing a surprise birthday dinner, complete with lights, champagne and self esteem destroying sex for desert and making that smiley face that terrifies everyone to their very soul.

Norman convinces Pat to sign over her house to him, to raise some cash to help Nick Berry in New Zealand and then moves in with her and her massive earring collection.

This week however, there is a scene that make make viewers feel utterly distressed and we hope that the BBC gives out one of their helpline numbers at the end of the episode. Something so traumatic we feel it’s only fair to put it in capitals to make sure you understand how grim it is.  This week, you will witness PAT BUTCHER AND THAT NORMAN FELLA KISSING WITH THEIR DUSTY OLD MOUTHS!

We’d advise you not to look directly at it. We did and the hecklerspray bedsit resembled the end scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Harrowing.

Until next week losers!

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Despite spending most of the week choosing fancy pants to wear to the Cosmo Blog Awards, fighting over who gets to shave that evening with the communal razor and  getting really, really drunk with happiness, we’ve still had time to hold Soap writers hostage in our bedsit and demand they tell us what’s happening in Soapsville this week or we’d show them Matthew Laidlow’s bed sheets.

They quickly told us everything.

EVERYTHING.

Eastenders first this week where Amira realises that she’ll be able to drag out her storyline for at least a month if she keeps refusing to let Syed have contact with Yasmin, so she holds up the baby like a newborn Simba in front of Syed every so often, manically singing ‘The Cirrccrcle of Liiiiife‘  before putting Yasmin back  in her handbag, next to her perfumed mace she’s prepared for Christian.

Syed, unaware the the Eastenders writers have already written him twice a week contact with his daughter, reasonable child support payments and a short break at Butlins, starts sneaking around to try and get some time with Yasmin, even lying to his very, very buff boyfriend which we find utterly loathsome and ridiculous.

Elsewhere, in a planet called ‘Notverybloodylikelyisit?‘, Ian Beale proposes to stripper Mandy Salter after she wrecks the car he’d rented to try and impress her.  Really? Will she say yes or will she just climb on her pole and spin round at such an alarming rate causing time and space fold in on itself,  taking us back to 1993 when she was loved up with Sean Maguire and taking enough drugs to knock over a horse.

That was at least believable.

It’s good news for Fatboy when he finally gets to sniff Whitney up close as the pair decide they’d make a really brilliant couple. We predict a domestic violence storyline when Whitney remembers that time Fatboy tried to sing in church and attempts to strangle him with her scrunchie.

Finally, Pat gets some bad news from Simon in New Zealand, probably telling her that she’s about to be killed off and grabs her chest in a non sexual way in front of Norman. OH JUST DIE WILL YOU???

Next, it’s time for Coronation Street where Frank leaves Carla no choice but to sack some of the useless and/or overweight members of staff when he takes half her stock and sewing machines.  Yeah, we couldn’t believe it either. Sally is one of the first to go and complains for about 3 seconds before Frank offers her the job of sewing machine supervisor and she shuts up.

She also tells estranged husband Kevin that he’s no longer welcome in the house and the words ‘life imitating art’ are mumbled all over the country by people who consider Coronation Street to be ‘art’ instead of ‘horrific’.

Rosie decides that she’ll split up Sally and Jeff by coming on to him and it works when Sally finds them in a compromising  position, but Sophie grasses her up and her mum is shocked.  Then she remembers she’s the evil leader of sewing machines and doesn’t care anymore.

We’d forgotten about Fiz but apparently she’s still in prison for being ginger and finally, Eileen lies under Paul for several minutes and then tells Paul’s wife Lesley about their uninteresting and unlikely liaison.  However, Lesley seems confused rather than angry and we can totally understand this reaction.

Finally we dig out the baby oil and glance seductively at Hollyoaks, where Riley is marrying his Mercedes, blissfully unaware that his car is cheating on him with Carl and is pregnant. Amy wants to take the kids to New York with her and Lee but Ste is having none of it – “NO!” he says.

But then he changes his mind –  ”OK!” he says.

Hard hitting.

We can also reveal that Ash has some sexy time with someone very unlikely, but we’d already slid off the couch before we found out who it was.

Sorry.

You’re welcome!! Now beat it.

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hecklerspray went into mourning last week when we discovered that David Essex had left Eastenders.  There was drinking, swearing, Michael Park wrote some terrible poetry and Mof Gimmers sang ‘Hold Me Close’  while crying over a really old copy of Smash Hits.  It wasn’t pretty.

We couldn’t even mention the word ‘Soaps’ without one of the writers sobbing uncontrollably, let alone write about them, so we had a break.

But with help from our friends, some spiritual guidance and a great big bag of drugs, we’re back and ready to spoil your viewing pleasure once again.

Eastenders first where Tanya starts her chemotherapy and is worried about losing her hair. She takes Lauren along for support because she’s family innit, but mainly because she has an abundance of fringe that can easily be fashioned into an attractive wig if necessary. She also meets a fellow patient called Siobhan, they quickly become friends and agree to text each other all day long. We hope this turns into some sort of sexting in the face of cancer storyline.

Remember Amira?  Syed’s wife? That’s right the one he slept with before he revealed to everyone that he was gay, even though his boyband dance routine, backflips and general trouser arousal at the mere mention of Christian’s name seemed to go unnoticed even at his own wedding. Well, she is back bitches! Not only is she back but she’s dragging around a baby called Yasmin whom she reveals to be Syed’s daughter.

That’s right gentleman, proof that even doing it once with your eyes shut and a feeling of nausea can result in knocking up the opposite sex. Be warned.

Amira still hates Christian and when he tries to get a look at a picture of Yasmin,  Amira sprays perfume in his eyes because as everyone knows, that’s the only way to stop a gay man looking at your photographs.

Zainab stops throwing pills down her neck long enough to work out that if Amira agrees to divorce Syed he’ll be free to marry Christian and start wearing man vests in public places.  The thought of this is too much so she throws herself at Yusef from a great height and they kiss each other WITH THEIR MOUTHS.  She then walks around, covered in shame and decides to piss off to Pakistan with him, hopefully getting set on fire again for being so stupid.

Elsewhere, Carol returns to find out that David Essex has left and gets upset like the rest of us. We miss him too.

Michael is still pulling the most extraordinary faces to hide the fact that no-one likes him and Shirley returns from her holiday and squirts perfume in Ben’s face when he tries to look at her holiday snaps. OR DOES SHE?!

No.

Next we’re running naked towards Coronation Street where the question on everyone’s lips is ‘Did that fella who plays Kevin Webster sexually assault that schoolgirl?’  We’re not going to make fun of this, considering the girl in question was only 6 at the time but we’re still going to bring it up.

Anyway, back to the street where Frank wins his appeal for bail and is now free to do scenes which don’t take place in a prison and Carla isn’t happy about this. Stella comes to visit her and tells her that she was also once raped and they forget that they hate each other for more than 5 seconds.

Frank being the grown up in all of this, gets his mummy to pick on Carla at the factory and then they laugh at her while she has a nervous breakdown.

Elsewhere, Sophie wants to go on holiday with Sian and her mum and Tracy reminds Steve that she’s pregnant with his child at least 87 times.

Finally we get dressed and carefully avoid steaming piles of horseshit on our away to Emmerdale, where the cunning plan to bring down the Kings is carried out. Cameron sabotages the CCTV and the trucks are all driven away by him, Charity and Cain.  Then, the mere thought of truck stealing gets Cain and Charity so sexually excited they practically mount each other when alone.

However, after Charity finds out that Cain impregnated Amy she decides that he’s not attractive anymore and goes back to Jai but will he still want her after she’s been fake licking that dreadful man? Probably.

In other news, Lauren and Marlon kiss and we don’t care.

Until next week mofos.

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Gosh, can you believe it’s been a whole week since we last vomited Soap news into your laps?  Well it has. Deal with it. We’re glad you didn’t bother washing those trousers as here it comes again you miserable lot!

In Eastenders this week Masood tells Zainab he wants a divorce because that’s what you do when your wife tries to kill herself isn’t it? Not according to Tanwar who tells his father what a big swine he is and demands he stay married to the stress monkey because Allah says so. Meanwhile Zainab can’t remember a bloody thing but is still determined to make food for everyone on an hourly basis and tell everyone who’ll listen that Masood is her husband.

We know, shurrupalready.

Yusef is clearly annoyed that this storyline hasn’t required him to make any facial movements for 17 years now and we think he might be cheesed off about this but, as he remains emotionally paralysed, we’re just not sure.

Never mind all that though, because Ben is liking this whole kissing boys lark and he steals another smooch from Duncan but they are seen by Patrick who, for once, isn’t destroyed on rum and singing into his hat [euphemism for puking alert, Ed].  Fearing Patrick will tell Phil, Ben goes and throws a brick through the B&B window and it all goes to hell in a handbag with a showdown in the Minute Mart.

Of course, this sees Phil being branded a racist and then Duncan only goes and dumps Ben. AWWWWW! HAHHAHA!

And while all this palaver is going on, Vanessa is still stomping around even though she’s got bugger all to do now, so Michael offers her cash to stay away from his family and leave Walford for good.  She refuses at first, telling him that she really quite fancies David Essex and is hanging on in case he decides to go back to singing.

Then she runs out of fake tan and is forced to take Michael’s money… but will she actually go? Will Eddie ever break into a quick rendition of ‘Hold Me Close?’

WE JUST DON’T KNOW.

Elsewhere on Easties, Tyler returns home with his head still attached to his shoulders and manages to kiss Whitney but then Michael tells him that she used to be a prostitute and he quickly wishes that those bloody doctors hadn’t bothered to save him while Ian gets a piece of paper with words on it, telling him that Jane still hates him and is no longer his wife.

We’d forgotten about Jane. Hopefully she’ll turn up and finally tell everyone that she’s a Glaswegian.

Moving swiftly along, it’s Coronation Street‘s turn next where Leanne is asking, nay DEMANDING answers from Frank over the rape. But will she get the truth? What is the truth? Anyone? Carla goes back to work and then she doesn’t because it’s all too much, knowing the truth and all that and goes to see Doctor Carter but WILL SHE TELL HIM THE TRUTH? Carla then decides to end it all, because of the truth.

Enough!! WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

Also on the cobbles, Bill Webster has a heart attack which no-one cares about, Sally and Kevin kiss each other on the mouth with all the crashing predictability you’d expect from two of the most one-dimensional humans in soapsville and Dev enters Aadi into a golf competition.

So there.

Finally, it’s over to Emmerdale where Lisa tells Val that she doesn’t want Belle hanging around with Amy anymore for reasons we couldn’t be bothered finding out but then Belle helps Amy sneak off to meet David, leaving her thinking that David is the baby’s daddy and not that no good Cain fellow.

Aaron takes his shirt off much to the delight of the female hecklerspray staff (and also Matthew Laidlow if he’s honest), and shows Chas his chest.  We then discover it’s because he’s been self harming and feel a bit wrong about our naked cheering.

YOWZAH!

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We know that some all of our readers are unhinged enough to believe that the Land of Soaps is actually a real place, filled with real people who face real problems every day and as we’re really quite mischievous we’ll play along with this batshitcrazy idea.

Besides, we’ve got nothing else to do since Sophie Hall put her giant foot through our telly when Gary Barlow didn’t wear the gloves she knitted for him on X-Factor this week.

Off we go to Eastenders where Darren, once voted ‘Most unlikely to ever get laid’ by everyone with working eyes wakes up nestled in the fringe of Lauren who’s probably still drunk from the night before.

They decide it’s all been a terrible mistake as Darren is about to wed idiot Jodie who unbeknownst to them has already caught them out. Darren then gets a conscience written into his script and tells Fatboy everything and then Poppy finds out who tells Jodie that Darren has managed to sleep with someone else other her her and George Michael fan Heather. Of course Jodie already knows this but is determined to get married anyway because as we all know getting married in a soap means a great big dirty story line and an inevitable death/dance routine.

Darren decides that he cannot top Syed’s backflip and rather than get killed off in some freak accident involving Jodie’s curling tongs, he says his farewells and runs off the square towards panto season in Blackpool.

Tanya decides to shut Lauren up by telling her she has cancer and Lauren promises to keep it a secret while becoming an expert on it by looking it up on google and frowning a lot.

Yusef continues to meddle and scheme, even though no-one is really interested anymore and drugs Zainab with his impressive collection of sleeping pills. He then put the bottle in her hand to make it look like she’s attempted suicide and again no one cares.

Especially us.

Michael has now become the best son in the world after being hypnotised by David Essex and helps out in the antiques emporium, promising to keep Craig a secret from everyone until Tyler gets better. He warns Vanessa to stay away from his family which of course she doesn’t and attaches herself to Eddie with Velcro and nail glue.

Phil decides to perform his own special rendition of  ’So you want to be a boxer?’ from Bugsy Malone to a horrified Ben to try and toughen up his son.  However this plan backfires because we all know that Ben loves a good musical which obviously means he’s gay now and kisses his sparring partner Duncan. WHO KISSES HIM RIGHT BACK! Go specky!

Next up it’s Coronation Street and yet another wedding where someone wants to get married to someone else who doesn’t.  Carla finally admits this to Frank and tells him it’s because she still fancies bloody Peter and this news is enough to make anyone violent with disbelief.  When she’s found on the floor in tears by Maria, Carla tells her that Frank raped her and they all jog off to the Police station. Frank says he’s innocent, Carla says he isn’t and then everyone has a giant fight where Peter Barlow gets arrested for being too punchy in someone’s face.

Elsewhere, Dev is not happy when Sunita insists he must cancel his ridiculously expensive golf membership, Gary plays matchmaker for Owen and Anna where they both get soaked when he’s fiddling with her sink and the stopcock breaks. Not a euphemism unfortunately.

Finally we shimmy slowly towards Emmerdale where  Amy decides to deal with her pregnancy by drinking lots of booze straight from the bottle in some bizarre attempt to bring on a miscarriage. When she starts getting stomach pains and is taken to hospital, she’s devastated to find out that her evil plan hasn’t worked and that she’s still pregnant with Cain’s child.

Jimmy and Nicola get it RIGHT ON in Declan’s bed and after they bore everyone by saying it was a one off, they inevitably decide they still love each other and quite like that manky thing they did with no clothes on.

Until next time you perverts.

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