Last week ?hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri was in hospital having her final shred of dignity removed, and as no one else in the bedsit could be arsed was available to bring you news from Soapland, we just missed it out . ?We’d like to apologise for this oversight but we won’t – screw you.
Fear not, the spoilers return again this week giving you something to live for and?undoubtedly?brightening up your grotty, grotty little lives.
Ready to read something which will distract you from that porn site for at least 2 minutes? Excellent.
Eastenders first this week, where Zainab finally admits that it was her who sent that bad doctor man Yusef into the burning building, where Tanwar lost some skin, Afia lost her father, Denise and Kim lost their?livelihood?and we lost a bet that Eastenders couldn’t get any more?predictable by burning shit up. Masood?immediately?forgives her saying that the Koran forgives everything and they should all just be thankful they have a stupidly named restaurant so we forgive her too.
Zainab then forgives Christian for being naked and dirty with her son and Tamwar and Afia get down to some cream rubbing on his?burnt?bits.
Talking of the Argee Bhajee, this week two different families go here to read lines from scripts they’ve memorised. First up it’s Max and Tanya ‘we’re not shagging so we’ll have ?curry instead‘ Branning. ?They spend an evening successfully enough to avoid the fact that Tanya’s cancer?treatment?has given her the libido of a panda and then step over their daughter Lauren who’s passed out the gutter outside the restaurant. ?We’re quite annoyed that she’s taken our fringe-mocking to heart, gotten rid of it and?replaced?it with alcoholism. But Fatboy and Whitney find her, take her home and grass her up for being a teenager.
Then Ian Beale and his stupid blonde family go to the same place where Lucy feel sorry for Mandy and regrets being a terrible actress. ?Mandy’s mum Lorraine Salter, ?is still hanging around and has started drinking again, so Ian chucks her out and then returns to his dull life of fish batter. This is not a?euphemism.
Have a look at Lorraine back in 1992. ?Skip to 2mins and behold THE REAL FACE of Lorraine Salter.
They thought we wouldn’t notice…
Next it’s Coronation Street time and as we love breaking bad news, we’re going to announce this in capital letters; FRANK IS DEAD. SOMEBODY KILLED HIM. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN US, WE JUST DON’T KNOW!!
Yes, rapey Frank has finally been brought to?vigilante?justice by someone on the street and everyone is a suspect, including you. ?Sally is the one who finds the body and denies killing him, the Carla dances around his body like Michael?Flatley?but also denies killing him. Peter finally makes an appearance and has blood on his clothes but as he was so wasted the night before he claims to have no memory of how it got there. ?So we think he’s the murderer because surely he’s not being framed by someone else with that obvious evidence? Hmm.
Elsewhere, Ken blames Karl’s satellite dish when his telly goes on the blink. We hope the?vigilante?targets Ken next in an hour long stalk ‘n’ slash special.
Finally we rest our tired head against Neighbour’s bosom because no one has demanded we write about another soap yet. ?We tried to find out what’s happening with Chris, but sadly we came up with nothing so he gets to live for another week. ?Kate meets someone called Dominic while she’s off exploring Far North Queensland and quite fancies him even though he drops her phone into the sea which angers the Sea Gods and they wipe him off the face of the earth. Then Paul Robinson bursts into song, angering our editor Mof who sets fire to Lassiters with everyone?inside, blowing up the whole of Erinsborough…except Chris. We still don’t know where he is.
So there you have it. ?Feel better now? Good. Let’s snuggle up and watch actor Dennis Waterman singing on karaoke. Yes we know he hasn’t technically been in a soap but his?daughter?has, so that’s close enough. Thanks to @whoismatthew for finding this diabolical video.