Brigitte Bardot is living proof that not only do pretty girls eventually lose their looks, but they also go a bit batty and racist sometimes as well.

That’s because dear old Brigitte Bardot, the woman who entranced the world with her earthy sensuality all those years ago, has just been convicted for provoking discrimination and racial hatred for the fifth time in 11 years, after she published a letter claiming that Muslims are destroying France because they don’t kill sheep properly.

Brigitte Bardot, you’ll remember, was the star of the 1958 movie And God Created Women, a movie that’s soon to be re-released to DVD with the title And God Created One Specific Woman Although He Sort Of Regrets It Every Time She Opens Her Shrapnel-Filled Gob, The Witchy Old Nutter.

It’s often said that beautiful people don’t have to develop personalities because their lovely faces mean they don’t have to try as hard as the rest of us. But Brigitte Bardot is clearly the exception to the rule – she’s developed quite a strong personality. Admittedly it’s the personality of a loopy old reactionary racist who surrounds herself with animals but, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

And make no mistake – Brigitte Bardot does love animals. Whenever the time calls for any sort of animal rights activism, be it Canadian seal hunting or people eating horses, Bardot can always be found at the fore, trying to change the world with her political ideals and her violently yellow teeth.

In fact, Brigitte Bardot loves all of Earth’s creatures. Unless they happen to be, you know, brown. Because Brigitte Bardot enjoys nothing more than to wail angrily about them until she’s been repeatedly convicted of inciting racial hatred. Which, by chance, has just happened again.

It’s all to do with sheep, you see. Brigitte Bardot was conviced for provoking discrimination and racial hatred and fined 15,000 Euros for publishing a letter she wrote to Nicholas Sarkozy that was all “I’ve had it with these Muslims coming over here, taking all our jobs and slaughtering our sheep in accordance with their own religious beliefs.” E! Online reports:

“I’ve had enough of being led by the nose by this population that is destroying us, destroying our country by imposing its acts.” Bardot, a longtime and ardent animal rights advocate, was particularly referring to the Muslim feast of Aid el-Kebir, which is celebrated by slaughtering sheep. In her letter, she argued that Muslims should stun the animals before slaughtering them. The 73-year-old singer-actress sent the letter to Sarkozy back in December 2006 and subsequently published it in her foundation’s quarterly journal.

So that’s that. Brigitte Bardot has been convicted and fined – she was spared the two months in jail that she could have received – and she’s definitely learned her lesson once and for all. For around 2.2 years, anyway, which is the next time she’s scheduled to be racially dubious to an illegal degree.

Still, let’s not be completely down on Brigitte Bardot – she still has an awful lot going for her. For instance, she’s easily one of the easiest racists to masturbate to, along with Tintin and the bloke out of Seinfeld.

And what she said wasn’t that bad, really – it’s not as if she wore a racist scarf during a doughnut commercial, was it? They’re the bastards we should really go after.

Everyone’s known that Wesley Snipes is a bad man ever since he was convicted for, um, you know, something about taxes and money and whatever.

And because of this, Wesley Snipes was supposed to hand himself over to federal officials next month so he could start his three-year jail sentence for whatever that thing was about taxes that he apparently did. But not so fast – Wesley Snipes isn’t going down without a fight! He’s been granted bail pending an appeal of his conviction.

This could mean that Wesley Snipes might avoid jail completely, although this really is his last pitch for freedom so he needs to give the appeal his absolute all. And you know what that means, Wesley? No more getting rambling boneheaded character witness statements from Woody Harrelson? OK, Wesley? Not even one. Promise us, it’s important.

Wesley Snipes is obviously an intelligent man – after all, he saw the potential in notorious career-hobbling flop Money Train when everyone around him was saying that it was an awful piece of shit – and this is a theory he proved time and time again during his recent tax-dodge trial.

Accused of not filing any tax returns between 1999 and 2001 – apparently gypping the American government out of enough money to buy a really very massive bomb or something in the process – Wesley Snipes always remained calm, rational and able to convince Denzel Washington to compare him to a tree in print whenever he wanted to.

Not that it worked, though – last month Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for his crimes, and everyone packed away their Passenger 57 Original Soundtrack cassettes and hunkered down in the knowledge that the earliest we’d ever see White Men Can’t Jump 2: Nope, Still Not Great With The Jumping Thing would be some time after the year 2011. Wesley Snipes, it seemed, was done for.

Except actually he wasn’t – because once again Wesley Snipes is a free man. For a while. Until he gets an appeal, at least. Reuters reports:

Snipes’ lawyers and court officials in Ocala, Florida, said a judge had granted a request by the star of the “Blade” movie series to remain free on bond while he tries to overturn his federal tax convictions. U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges wrote that he was “dubious” of Snipes appeal arguments. In arguments for bail, his lawyers wrote that Snipes was “actively engaged in resolving his liabilities with the IRS civilly” and a meeting with the agency was scheduled for next week.

It would seem, then, that Wesley Snipes’ appeal will involve him throwing wads of money at the IRS and screaming “Jesus, I’m sorry, OK? I’m SORRY! Sheesh!”

Which, you have to admit, is more constructive than anything Wesley Snipes did during his main trial – where his arguments ranged from how he wasn’t actually a citizen of America but he just happened to live there and used its stuff all the time to how the IRS doesn’t actually exist like everyone says it does. And he got convicted for that. We know. Crazy.

Good luck, Wesley Snipes – the wishes of all rubbishy direct-to-DVD movie fans are with you.

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets bail pending appeal in tax case – Reuters

Some shocking news – that bloke who kept sending Uma Thurman creepy love letters and visiting her all the time? Turns out he’s a stalker.

That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.

But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?

What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.

Look at Uma Thurman. Look at her. There’s just something about her, isn’t there. Something that draws you in. Something that tells you that Uma is predestined to fall in love with you until the end of time. Something that says “Hey boys, you want some of this? Then send me a relentless stream of terrifying doodles and messages that will firmly convince me of your desperate mental instability.”

We’re joking, of course – as normally-functioning human beings, the only thing that Uma Thurman says to us is “Don’t go and see any of my films, none of them are very good” – but that doesn’t apply to Jack Jordan, a man who loves Uma Thurman more than any man really has the right to.

During last week’s stalky court case, we heard how Jack Jordan had threatened to kill himself if he couldn’t be with Uma Thurman, and that he sent Uma just about the creepiest stuff imaginable. True, his lawyer said that Jack Jordan was just a hopeless romantic who couldn’t tell the difference between a bunch of flowers and a stick figure drawing of himself falling off a giant Acme razor blade into an open grave while Uma Thurman, wearing a wedding dress, stood next to him and said “tee hee,” but that didn’t work.

Yesterday Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment and now faces up to a year in jail, as the Associated Press reports:

“I’ve learned some disturbing things about this defendant during this case,” said state Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro. “I am going to remand him for a psychiatric exam.” Defense lawyer George Vomvolakis said Jordan was disappointed with the verdict and that he will soon decide whether to appeal. He requested protective custody for Jordan, saying he faces “specific threats because he’s a stalker.”

Exactly! Where are the stalkers’ rights here? As a convicted stalker, Jack Jordan should have access to a few basic necessities in jail, like an endless supply of Uma Thurman posters for him to lick day and night and a small brush allowing him to daub globs of his own semen across any letters he chooses to write to Uma over the next 12 months.

Anyway, let’s forget about Jack Jordan and concentrate on what a relief his incarceration must be to Uma Thurman. Not only is he guaranteed to be out of her way for up to a year but, now that she’s effectively put him in prison, Uma Thurman doesn’t need to worry about Jack Jordan being in love with her any more.

True, it means he’ll probably bombard her with death threats, bunches of dead flowers and horrifically-melted Barbie doll heads, but he definitely won’t love her any more.

Read more:

Jury in New York City convicts fan of stalking Uma Thurman - AP

What is it with female rappers we've never really heard of and jail these days?

Lady rapper Remy Ma – of hits like Guilty, Crazy, Everyday I'm Fucking Him and several other songs you're equally unlikely to have heard of that have less amusing titles – has been convicted of shooting a woman in the belly last year. 

So with Remy Ma facing a 25-year jail term, Foxy Brown still locked up and Lil' Kim's record as an ex-con, that means the only rapping female without a criminal past is now Natasha Bedingfield. And that'll only last until the police finally nail her for all those ivory tombstones she's been embezzling in her teeth.

Typical. Since its creation, hip-hop has always been negatively stereotyped as a music that constantly glamorises excessive street violence, and it's been a label that's been hard to shift. Then yesterday we reported that the LA Times had to apologise to Diddy for blaming him for a shooting he played no part in. Finally, with this high-profile backtracking by a noted newspaper it seemed like hip-hop was starting to turn the tide on its own self-image.

Then Remy Ma got convicted of shooting a woman in the stomach during an argument about money. Nice timing, moron.

Prior to last year, Remy Ma was best known for being the only female rapper to have a name equally inspired by the cooking rat from Ratatouille and your mother. But all that changed last July when, during an argument with over some money in New York, Remy Ma shot Makeda Barnes-Joseph in the abdomen, piercing her colon and hitting her in the rectum.

Remy Ma had claimed that the gun went off accidentally during a struggle – but yesterday a jury decided that it didn't, and Remy Ma was convicted of the shooting. And, as a tough, street-smart rapper, Remy Ma took the news on the chin. The New York Post reports:

"Oh, my God! My son! My son!" she screamed, referring to her 8-year-old, as she was hauled out of court to jail, where she faces the possibility of spending the next 25 years behind bars. Remy, 26, was found guilty of assault, weapons-possession and coercion charges for blasting Makeda Barnes Joseph, 24, with a .45-caliber handgun outside a club in the Meatpacking District on July 14, 2007… Remy initially took the verdict stoically. But after Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Rena Uviller ruled that she should be remanded to jail until her sentencing next month, one of Joseph's supporters sarcastically waved at her and said, "Bye, bye" – after which the rapper broke into tears.

It's unfortunate that Remy Ma's eight-year-old son won't be able to see his mother properly until he's about 33 years old now, but it's probably even more unfortunate that Remy Ma didn't even tell him that she was even going to court in the first place. We look forward to seeing what horrible emotional scars he'll be left to cope with from all of this.

But, as harrowing as this conviction sounds, it wasn't all bad news for Remy Ma yesterday. Her charges of gang assault, witness tampering, witness intimidation and assault in a separate incident were all dropped, which means that the next eight to 25 years that Remy Ma spends in jail for shooting a woman through the arse will pretty much be a non-stop party.

Read more:

BAWLING REMY IS GUILTY – NYP