Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.

And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.

How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.

Over the weekend, Perry took to Twitter to speak publicly for the first time since the split. She wrote:

“I am so grateful for all the love and support I’ve had from people around the world. You guys have made my heart happy again.”

So far, so celebrity-humble. However, it didn’t last long and the paranoid glare of someone surrounded by the deafening chatter from beyond the velvet rope reared up.

“Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Get that mom and dad? You can shut your stupid Christian cake-holes! You might wanna try being a bit more Buddhist about it and using your daughter’s grief as a time of quiet, introspective reflection instead of talking to the press.

Although, don’t stop entirely. We’ll have nothing to write about then.

We shouldn’t worry though because, the reality of it all is, Brand and Perry will now be in a race to see who can have the most public shag or orgy as they bid to get first to the punch. It’s going to be brilliant, then irritating, then kinda sad and ultimately, of no importance to any of us while they both slide into obscurity.

When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?

You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.

As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.

Doing a piece of detective work based on pure lyrical logic, we are going on a hunch that Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it. Presumably, her husband Russell Brand didn’t and subsequently filed for divorce. Though we imagine it was done by his PA or faxed through.

So where does Rihanna fit into all of this? 2011 saw her release a new single every 36 seconds and tour a record number of cities that she’d never heard of. HELLO MANCHESTSHIRE! Well it appears the crazy and up-for-anything Russell Brand has calmed down a helluva lot. Gone are the days when he shot junk and dressed as Osama Bin Laden for work. Instead, free range organic tea is his poison of chance. Rihanna doesn’t approach life calmly. In fact, she might have been partying too hard with Katy Perry leading her to a path that Brand disapproved of. According to reports:

“Russell didn’t like his wife hanging out with the sexy singer because the women used to party together. And Russell, being a recovering heroin and sex addict, didn’t think the friendship between Katy and the singer from Barbados was good for their marriage.”

Everybody likes a good party don’t they? Even we’ll try and hide the usual miserable expression on our faces for something people call a “smile” when the opening shapes of the conga are thrown. But if the same reports are to be believed, the situation might be a little awkward:

“Rihanna called and texted Katy all throughout the New Year’s Eve weekend, perhaps influencing her on what to do and where to go to stay out of the limelight. If this is the case, the superstar may have influenced Katy to give up on her marriage and move on as a single woman. And maybe that’s why Katy has been spotted happy in Hawaii, while Russell is looking gloom in London.”

Trust us; they’ll be some sort of musical retort to this marriage breakdown. There’s no doubt that Katy Perry will enlist her pal Rihanna to re-record this nineties classic with directly altered lyrics to show Russell Brand who’s boss:

You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.

It simply isn’t fair.

However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.

According to various reports, the Coldplay frontweapon revealed how he had to chuck an intruder out of the garden of his family home that he shares with Gwyneth ‘oh jeez, she’s started singing too’ Paltrow.

This warbling trespasser managed to get into Martin’s garden and started singing Coldplay tracks to his pals who were stood outside the premises.

Martin:

“I had a guy the other day who climbed over the gate of our house and started singing Coldplay songs to his friends on the street.”

He added, showing what a dreadful control-freak bore he is:

“Listen, you’re just not doing that right.”

“He politely left. It was bordering on intrusion. Still, it’s nice that people like the songs.”

A proper celebrity would have attacked them with a shovel handle or sent armed guards to get the stun-guns out, but no, not beige Chris Martin. It’s all Polite This and Excuse Me That.

What a grating loser.

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

The pair had apparently planned for Katy’s family to get whisked to London via private jet for the holidays, but alas, Perry changed her mind and decided instead, to faff around in Hawaii with her friends.

The source says:

“They had a massive fight. She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.’”

So that’s why Katy Perry was papped in a bikini while frollicking around in the Pacific Ocean off Kauai without her wedding ring! That’s why Brand was sat in a pub in Coverack, Cornwall!

Of course, previous stories about this pair have been about pregnancy and near constant reminders of Brand’s former penchant for heroin, but alas, as relapses and baby-bumps weren’t fast enough, we’ve had to focus our attentions on looking for cracks to form in their relationship.

That source again:

“They haven’t split up just yet, but things are not good. The fighting is getting worse.”

Why?

“Katy doesn’t think Russell respects her parents’ Christian beliefs or her friends.”

WILL THEY SPLIT IN 2012?! God, we hope so! And if they could time it with a quiet news day, that would be ideal! Many thanks, The Media.

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

However, you may be correct as even Jolie knows that one day her children will want to live in one place and she can’t bear the thought of leaving one behind.

That’s right. SHE’D STILL BUGGER OFF ON HER ADVENTURES, WITHOUT OR WITHOUT THE FREE THINKING INGRATE.

She stopped doodling in blood on her wedding dress long enough to say:

“Right now they love it. If we’re in the same place for two months they wanna know why we’re not getting on an airplane. They really love to travel….Beacuse they’re such a big travelling pack….it’s not one child moving around the world and missing friends, there’s so many of them they have constant play dates and are always together…

“But I’m sure they’re gonna say: ‘Mum, let me stay home’ and when that happens I’m gonna cry…I don’t want to settle, I love travelling, but we’ll see.

We’re sure they’re going to say:

“HOLY FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MUM!, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH UNCLE JAMES???”

She joked:

“They’ll probably end up living all around the world and my old age will be Brad and I travelling, trying to visit all our grandchildren in random countries.”

Brad was not available for comment, except to say that Jennifer Aniston is boring.

When celebrities get married, everyone turns into meddling grandmas, demanding offspring because our lives are so hopelessly empty that we need that brief moment of alleviating joy, lived vicariously through someone else.

Christ knows no-one wants to actually have sex with us, let alone have our children, right?

And the latest couple getting their groins shoved toward each other are Katy Perry and Russell Brand. They basically look like they’re having far too much fun as a couple and, as such, we must make them mature into parents… indeed, we must halt their leisure time immediately with shitty nappies, sleepless nights and silent seething.

And so, with the world staring at the stomachs of every female celebrity on Earth, expectantly, some have noticed that Katy Perry is looking slightly more rotund than usual.

THIS MEANS SHE IS, WITHOUT DOUBT, PREGNANT.

Or, she really needs a big poo. You may mock, but the latter is actually closer to the truth. You see, we suspect Perry and Brand to be indulging in something of a sham marriage which helped her to break the British market and help him get work in America.

Basically, they’re not even sexing each other so how is she going to get pregnant? As such, she’s keen to quash these rumours and told everyone that, basically, she’s greedy.

When asked if she was expecting her first baby with Russell Brand, the chinny hitmaker replied:

“Hell no!”

“I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell and if you want to make that pregnant that’s your problem. I still love drinking alcohol, so not yet.”

So there you have it. Katy Perry isn’t pregnant because she’s actually living a life of junk food and copious amounts of booze.

Basically, she’s behaving like she’s from absolutely anywhere in Britain.

We’ve read twitter. We know what you bastards want. You want outrage. A constant, trickling source of things to get angry about. You love it when people are sexist, racist or pick on the poor don’t you?

Course you do.

But what about the children? Won’t someone think of the kiddies? Well, someone has and they’ve designed some crotchless knickers for them! How about that? And yes, there’s a video over the jump displaying them.

Before we start thinking about just what you put into your search engine to stumble across an article detailing crotchless knickers for children, we’d like to give you the facts.

Basically, some douche was shopping at the Greeley Mall in Colorado. It’s a great mall. You really should try it out. Possibly. We’ve never even been to America.

Why?

BECAUSE IT HAS SHOPS LIKE KIDS N TEEN WHICH SEEM TO SELL CROTCHLESS PANTIES FOR TINY CHILDREN.

That’s what happened. Someone spotted them while shopping and promptly went straight to the press about it who filed a report and… well… you can watch it here.

The owner of Kids N Teen says that 25% of her merchandise is actually for teens, which explains the whole crotchless knickers thing, right?

Wait. Are they saying that it is okay for minors to buy crotchless knickers? Is that what’s going on here? Ladies and gentleman, feel free to become outraged.

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Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

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You’ve heard Coldplay right? Yeah, that’s the guys that make tepid, stadium-sized faeces, swarmed upon by tasteless flies who like vague lyrics that kinda sound aspirational or touching, but best not to dwell on it because that’s not why one goes to a Coldplay gig.

Basically, it’s music for the bone idle.

Disagree? Well, hear this, chumps: Even Chris Martin’s own children – those little oiks who he loves unreservedly and will support for the rest of their lives – don’t even like Coldplay. And Chris Martin knows that to try and force them would be folly.

Chris, who is of course married to the similarly musically-talentless-but-still-sings-for-money-anyway Gwyneth Paltrow, says that he doesn’t want to force his children to like Coldplay.

Fair deal really seeing as he foisted terrible names on them – Apple and Moses.

Martin told the USA Today newspaper:

“My children made me focused on not wasting time on anything I don’t think is worth wasting time on.

“So that’s affected my editing process. You don’t want to spend months and months doing something and have it turn out terrible. You want your kids to be proud, basically. So it gives you extra drive.”

Alas, if this is the case, then we have to equate Martin’s love for his children with his musical output. If they’re driving him to become better, then it’s only fair that the quality of the music is in direct proportion to how much he loves Moses and Apple.

Have you heard the newest Coldplay material?

Call the adoption agency.

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The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine.

We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not to mention the champion hurdler Colin and Hobbit botherer, Peter.

What a family! However, Michael Jackson’s son is not like the rest of his clan. He’s ‘nervous’ about testifying in the trial related to his dad’s death.

Apparently, the former King of Pop’s eldest children – Prince and Paris (not to be confused with the singer Prince and the city of Paris) -  are both understood to be completely determined to give evidence after Michael died from… drum roll please… acute Propofol intoxication!

We’ve tapped out the word Propofol so many times since 2009 that we honestly feel like we have a decent case to get some kind of royalty.

A man who hasn’t exactly done the brand any favours is doctor Conrad Murray who has been charged with involuntary manslaughter.

Murder by medicine if you will. That’s not a legal term we’ll point out. We’re just trying to make a catchy buzzphrase that will take-off. You can have that one for free if you write a dreadful book about the whole Jackson’s Corpse v. Murray trial.

AAAAANYWAY.

Prince and Paris were both eyewitnesses to, ostensibly, their ‘dad’ dying. They watched him cease to be on the bedroom floor which is enough to ensure they’ll grow up warped. Well,  Katherine Jackson did say that her grandchildren were going to grow up just like their father.

It’s reported that sources close to Prince say the 14-year-old is nervous and worried that if he’s called to the stand he might get flustered and mess up,’

The trial against Murray begins today in Los Angeles

It has been reported that if Prince (again, not to be confused with the singer of the same name – it really is making the whole thing stupidly confusing) does give evidence, the lawyers may well clear the courtroom so his nerves don’t get the better of him.

If the court isn’t cleared, then Joe Jackson will get a performance by beating the living shit out of the poor tyke and throwing him into the spotlight. POSSIBLY.

Interestingly, one story that’s not being talked about much – the one we like the best because it has a filthy air of mystery about it – is that the fingerprints found on the syringe that killed MJ haven’t been identified and that they apparently don’t belong to Murray or any member of Michael’s family or staff.

Conspiracy theorists reckon it’s a ‘Mr. X’ who dished out the lethal dose and fled the scene of the crime with over $1 million in cash in their back pocket.

It definitely wasn’t us, okay?

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With the Michael Jackson v. Conrad Murray’s Syringe court case imminent, we need to keep Jacko in the news because come the trial, we’ll need to convince ourselves that we’re informed.

There’s no danger of you lot being uber-informed though because, chances are, you have absolutely no life outside of scouring the internet for articles about the former King Of Pop (since MJ’s death, the crown has been handed over to Pitbull).

However, as Michael is completely and utterly dead, we have to look elsewhere for stories. And so, we bring the tale of Jackson’s daughter – Paris – sleeping with a jacket. Isn’t jacket one of Michael’s other children?

So the news is that Paris Jackson is sleeping in the same bed as Jacket Jackson? That’s barely news at all. Loads of children… especially siblings… sleep together in the same bed.

It’s perfectly innocent isn’t it? Children sleeping together is the most natural thing in the world… unless of course, you’ve got an ageing popstar bunking down with them too.

What is peculiar though, is that Paris Jackson insists on sleeping with Jacket as a pillow.

Poor Jacket Jackson. That’s the kind of mental torture that made Michael so mental as an adult. Can we then assume that Jacket Jackson will end up with a music career that will, say, eclipse that of 3T? That’d be something wouldn’t it?

WAIT! Jacket Jackson doesn’t exist! We’re getting confused! It’s Blanket Jackson!

It appears that Paris is sleeping with one of her late father’s jackets as a pillow! That makes more sense we guess. Unless it’s the horrible S&M buckled thing that he wore in the Bad video. We imagine that’s less comfortable to sleep on than a conch shell.

Apparently, the jacket still smells like him. A mixture of remorse and Hi Karate aftershave then?

Worryingly, MJ’s mother Katherine believes his children will grow up to be “just like him”, especially Paris, who insists on having her walls filled with pictures of her pop legend father.

Well, we know how much Michael liked having oil paintings of himself haunting his walls. If his children are going to grow up just like their dad, this means we have to start coming up with scurrilous jokes to slap them with once they worm their way into the public eye.

Jeez. They’re a gift that keeps giving aren’t they?

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Russell Brand has opened his mouth and let a load of words come out that have made disabled people either cry, or want to viciously beat him up with their angry, angry fists.

Has he ill-advisedly said that Katy Perry looks ‘a bit special sometimes’?

NO! Don’t be an idiot. He’s called Paralympic athletes “novelty ­value”, which is nice of him isn’t it? This, naturally, has made a thousand unprintable jokes run through the head of team ‘spray which is most infuriating.

Just 2 days after Sith Lord Coe patronised the International Paralympic Day, Brand decided to make a funny with his brain and share it with the world who had long stopped listening.

During a gig, the man with American equine teeth, said:

“I don’t give a f*** about the Olympics. It’s boring Blue Peter sport and a waste of taxpayers’ money.

“At least the Paralympics have some kind of novelty value or something.”

This caused Paralympians to sharpen their guns.

David Weir, who is some kind of athlete with a load of medals, said:

“Calling the sport a novelty is offensive. It’s not like I get up, do one ­marathon then go to bed for the rest of the year. I train every day – I am no different to Paula Radcliffe. Brand obviously hasn’t met any Paralympians. If he did he certainly wouldn’t call any of us a novelty.”

And Weir clearly hasn’t met a stand-up comedian who might say things they really don’t mean, just to get a laugh (even if it’s a little careless or irresponsible).

It’s at this point, we’re legally obliged to bring up Sachsgate, where Brand took the piss out of an old man who used to be on Fawlty Towers.

Either way, you can remember this story and, in the future, use it as a reason to hate him amongst your friends who really like him, saying things like “Sorry, I just don’t like comedians who hate disabled people”

You’re welcome.

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