And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.

Britney Spears is all set to release her big shiny comeback album Circus next week, and everything’s in place. The artwork is suitably creepy, the lead single is helpfully monotonous and the entire album has been leaked onto the internet so that people can decide that they don’t like it without having to buy it first.

That just leaves one problem – the promotion of Circus. That’s just bewildering. The big push, of course, was supposed to be the Britney: For The Record documentary, but since that looks about as depressing as watching Requiem For A Dream in an abattoir at 4am with a habitual glue-sniffer, Britney Spears has chosen to do something more conventional as well – an interview with Rolling Stone.

Nothing could go wrong with that – the questions were all pre-vetted and Britney Spears would never be left alone with the reporter – unless Britney used the interview to yammer on about what filthy mouths her two- and three-year-old children have already developed. Which, oh, she did:

“They don’t look like their father at all. And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Yes, that stands to reason. Kevin Federline isn’t exactly the model of respectability, is he? To be honest Sean Preston and Jayden James probably did learn some swearwords from him. But if Britney Spears had been in charge of looking after them, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Admittedly they would have probably learnt how to babble gibberish in a pretend British accent quite well. And how to have all sorts of gut-churning sex with obnoxious and clearly inappropriate photographers all the time. And their constant anguished screams would have been second to none. But at least they wouldn’t swear.

But so what? They’re just words. It’s not ideal that Britney’s kids know how to swear but, if anything, it’s something they could have done with learning even earlier in life. That way they’d have been able to convey complex thoughts like “Mummy, don’t run any more fucking red lights when we’re in the car with you,” or “Mummy, please don’t lock me in the fucking bathroom with you and scream about death until the police are called again, you silly old cuntwhistle.”

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Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway – although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens’ birds and bees talk – just Kung Fu Panda.

To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who’ll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn’t try this trick with A Mighty Heart – apparently Pax Thien found it ‘ponderous’, with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it ‘transparent award-bait at best’.

It must be brilliant being one of Angelina Jolie’s children. You’re rich, you see the world, your name is one of the top-scoring words on Boggle and, since you’re almost certainly not biologically related to her, it’s impossible to rule out the chance of Angelina Jolie going a bit Woody Allen once you hit puberty. Who could ask for more?

And being surrounded by children is equally beneficial to Angelina Jolie, because now she doesn’t even have to think when it comes to promoting a movie. Look at Changeling – if Angelina Jolie couldn’t give her kids knives or breastfeed them from the front of a magazine or blame them for her inevitable marriage to Brad Pitt, what would her promotion of Changeling consist of? A brief speech at an awards show. Rubbish.

And it’s not just Changeling that’s feeling the benefit of Angelina Jolie endlessly blabbing about her children. Angelina’s decided to adaptation of this tactic to push the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda as well.

Tragically, it’s working. When we heard that Kung Fu Panda was being released on DVD, we thought “Pah, we’re not going to pay any attention to this – it seems like another generic animal-based animated movie starring a bunch of moviestars cynically trying to appeal to the young.” But then Angelina Jolie told this to People:

“I think it’s a great film, and it’s brought a lot of joy to children – and to my children, absolutely. My kids love it. They’re very very proud, they’ve got mom [Tigress] dolls.”

And that changed everything. “What’s that?” we thought. “Kung Fu Panda is bright and colourful enough to distract some toddlers from crying and crapping themselves for up to an hour at a time? Why it must be a MASTERPIECE!” After all, if Kung Fu Panda is good enough for the flick knife-wielding adopted Cambodian infant son of two jet-set millionaires, it’s bound to be good enough for us. Right?

Maybe we’re being too harsh here. Maybe Angelina Jolie was just recounting a personal anecdote because she’s a proud mother and we shouldn’t read anything more into it than that. Besides, as dull as it is, listening to Angelina Jolie prattle on witlessly about her kids for the millionth time this year is nowhere near as irritating as the alternative method for promoting Kung Fu Panda – a repeat of this soul-destroying abomination…

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Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned – in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread.

And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too – like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don’t want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she’s on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.

Jennifer Aniston is almost 40 and she doesn’t even have any stupid kids yet. With a really huge age like that she’s only got two choices in the baby department. One is to get exact duplicates of Angelina Jolie’s hair style and tattoos, move in over there, lock her competition in the basement and hope Brad Pitt doesn’t stop to think about why the mother of his children suddenly tastes like a love long since past.

Her other option is to fill herself full of fertility drugs and ask John Mayer to politely go to town until they’ve literally made thousands of children all at once. According to Star Magazine she’s going through with option #2:

“In the Nov. 17 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed  to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins.”

The magazine goes on to say that John is also working hard to impregnate his guitar so that his and Jen’s children will have little baby instruments to strum on should they feel so inclined. It’s in paragraph twelve. We think that part was in paragraph twelve.

If hecklerspray’s father had followed through on impregnating his tuba like he promised almost three months ago, we’d probably be in a pretty awesome marching band by now.

But we’re not – we’ve learned to live with that. For now we’ll just have to keep walking perfect high-stepping straight lines in our basement bedroom while blowing the approximate theme to Rocky through a soppy-ended paper towel tube.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it looks in writing there.

We swear it is.

Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like a corpseful of turds for once.

Is it just us, or has Angelina Jolie been promoting The Changeling for longer than time itself? It certainly seems like it. All we can conclude is that Angelina must really want that Oscar, because the tricks she’s pulling on the promotional circuit are getting more and more desperate.

To begin with, things started normally enough. We thought that, for such a highbrow film, the only publicity that Angelina Jolie would need to do was return to the USA from Europe. But we underestimated wildly there – we didn’t know about Angelina Jolie’s tattoos. Or the way that she’d be photographed with a baby chowing down on her nipple. Or the way she bought her infant son a deadly weapon.

Most recently, like a boxer in the 35th round, Angelina Jolie has become so exhausted by all this promotion that she’s just throwing tired, opportunistic punches at whatever’s easiest. Not so long ago, Angelina Jolie admitted that she and Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith when Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston, despite making endless claims to the contrary for the last three years.

And now Angelina Jolie has reached down deep for one last push, just to make you go and see that bloody film of hers – she’s declared that she’s going to get married to Brad Pitt.

That’s a surprise, since Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt both declared that they’d never get married until gay marriage was legalised across America. But that was before they had kids. And, cuh, you know what they can be like right? Right? The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

[Angelina] says, “Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us (to get married). You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?’”

It’s a good point, and when that day comes it’ll probably be best if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie respond using a similarly fairy tale-themed metaphor, about evil old ugly Queen Aniston who used to keep Prince Daddy locked in a cage and will probably throw herself off a building if they ever get married.

Or, you know, they could tell the truth and say that they’ll probably split up withing the next five years and not getting married will save the cost and mess of divorce proceedings. Either one’s fine, really.

But this is all hypothetical. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won’t get married for a long time yet, because the kids haven’t asked yet. That’ll be years away – half of them are too young to communicate effectively now, and the other half still have to learn English.

Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she’s going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she’s going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain.

Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point – having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who’d want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?

Angelina Jolie will do anything to make you go and see her new movie The Changeling. Literally anything. She’ll cover her body in tattoos, she’ll go on the front of magazines with babies chewing on her knockers – literally anything that draws attention away from the fact that The Changeling looks like the sort of dreary nonsense that people only make because they think they’ll get an Oscar out of it at the end.

And Angelina Jolie is even willing to roll out her greatest hit for the cause as well – the good old adoption speculation.

You see, it isn’t enough that Angelina Jolie already has six children – three of her own and three shipped in from elsewhere – because it’s Angelina’s life ambition to keep adopting children until she’s absolutely exhausted every single possible combination of letters and numbers that she can use as a kid’s silly name.

And that’s why, during an interview on the Today show yesterday, Angelina Jolie admitted that she was on the look-out for another baby to adopt. People reports:

The wheels are already turning in Angelina Jolie’s head, the Changeling star admitted in a lengthy Today show interview Thursday: She and Brad Pitt are considering another adoption. “Soon?” asked host Matt Lauer when the actress and mother of six nodded in the affirmative.

Now, don’t expect Angelina Jolie to go and adopt another child tomorrow, because she can’t – her baby twins are only three and a half months old, and the adoption process can’t start until they reach six months – but time is of the essence. After all, one of the children has a knife now, so Angelina Jolie will probably need to start adopting new babies quite prolifically soon, otherwise we get the feeling that her child tally is going to decrease somewhat.

Nobody knows where or how Angelina Jolie is going to adopt her next baby from, but the competition is going to be tight – it’s well-known now that if Angelina Jolie adopts you, you get to live a life of unbridled luxury. That’s why we’re hoping that Angelina starts a Britain’s Got Talent-style elimination process of all the world’s most harrowingly impoverished children to whittle down her options.

It makes perfect sense – you get 10,000 kids in, ask them to tell you a sad story, make them do a dance or sing or juggle or something, get rid of the rubbish ones and in the end, bingo, you’re left with a bald midget landmine amputee orphan from Chad who can play the ukulele. Imagine how many magazines that would sell.

The interview is to be broadcast tonight – a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he’s due to have their children this weekend, and she’s worried that he’ll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview.

But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn’t know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!

What sort of a world do we live in when a divorced man who had extramarital sex with a teenager can’t even go on TV and whine that he only did it because his wife didn’t hug him without repercussions, eh?

It makes us feel for Peter Cook, it really does. True, his marriage to supermodel Christie Brinkley may have ended when he shagged an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop and then started spending $3,000 on porn a month, but that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed his own highly-publicised television interview where he blames Christie Brinkley for everything, does it?

That interview is broadcast tonight, and it already looks a doozy. Not least because Peter Cook gets to check his self-awareness at the door and try to explain to the world that he’s not a pervert, but also because there’s a bit in it where he tears up and calls all the stuff he’s been accused of “the elephant in the room for my kids” even though – if we were Peter Cook’s children – we’d quite like an elephant in the room to distract us from the mental image of our dad constantly beating himself off in front of the computer where we do our homework.

However, two people who won’t be watching Peter Cook’s Christie Brinkley interview are Brinkley children Sailor and Jack. The main reason that they won’t be watching the interview is because they’re young and all the close-up shots of Barbara Walters‘ nodding cadaverous head will scar them for life, but also because Peter Cook is taking them away on a trip tonight to keep them away from the interview.

That’s not good enough for Christie Brinkley, though. She’s already sent a screechy retaliatory statement about Peter Cook after news of the interview got out, but now she’s followed that up by filing a restraining order attempting to keep Peter Cook away from the children in case he decides to show them the interview anyway.

But it was all in vain, because a judge has rejected the restraining order, giving Peter Cook’s attorney the perfect opportunity to call Christie Brinkley a stinkybum poohead in the process, as E! Online reports:

“They wanted to suspend Cook’s visitation for this coming weekend because they had word that there was going to be an interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow evening with Mr. Cook, and they didn’t want the children exposed to that,” Cook’s attorney, James Winkler, tells E! News. “It was a silly application. Obviously, there are TVs all over the place, and Mr. Cook had no intention of exposing his children to any interview.”

Yes, those children are never going to find anything out about that interview at all, unless they happen to watch TV, read a book, pick up a magazine or look at anything on the internet in the next few weeks. Talk about lucky escapes!

Having said that, though, we’re glad that Christie Brinkley’s restraining order against Peter Cook was rejected. Peter Cook would clearly never dream of sitting his children down and make them watch his TV interview. Because, come on, that’d really bite into his wanking time, wouldn’t it.

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.

We might be wrong here, but we get the horrible feeling that Paris Hilton is starting to grow up. No longer does she spend her days idly flitting between making obscene internet films of herself and getting thrown in jail for driving around shitfaced. Instead, Paris Hilton has become quite the model of sophistication.

How sophisticated is Paris Hilton? So sophisticated that when she launches her own tawdry MTV reality TV show she has the nous to accompany it with her own tawdry song which, we think you’ll find, is a level of sophistication right up there with taking tea on the bombardier’s croquet lawn.  And, as such, Paris Hilton has declared herself ready for motherhood. People reports:

“I definitely want three or four [children],” she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister’s birthday. As for a timeline? “Soon,” she said. “Maybe a year or two.”

But, listen, we don’t want you to worry that this is some sort of mind-destroying mating call from Paris Hilton. She doesn’t want you to strut about naked in her front garden or wank through her letterbox or anything like that, because Paris Hilton is perfectly happy and settled with Benji Madden from Good Charlotte.

So at least there’ll be an interesting level of anticipation should Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have a baby. Will the child gain be half-Paris and half-Benji and grow up learning from their collective wisdom, or will it get lucky and be kidnapped at the maternity ward, dumped in a forest and raised by wolves? We’ll be on the edge of our seats when the time comes.

Of course, we’re only joking here. Paris Hilton looks like she’d be a very good mother, and then knowledge she’d impart on her baby would be monumental. It wouldn’t be able to read or anything, granted, but at least it would be able to say “That’s hot” whenever it was hot. Or whenever it wasn’t hot. Or when it was hungry. It’d have a two-word vocabulary, basically.

This is very important news, and we’ll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling.

We said we’d tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn’t we? Well, alright, we will – it’s important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um… and Angelina sort of… no. We’ve got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn’t care less.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins haven’t been on this planet for long, but the time they have spent on it has almost exclusively been in France. Imagine that – 10 weeks surrounded by nothing but onion trees, shrugging mechanics, afternoon naps and excessive female bodyhair. That’s tantamount to child abuse in our books, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie should bloody well be ashamed.

Which we assume they are, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return to America with all their children, where they can be brought up the way God intended – on a diet of Ritalin, incessant flashing images, processed food containing constituent parts that have never seen a speck of sunlight and brightly-coloured cartoon dinosaurs that shout the alphabet.

Yes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return to America with their entire flock of culturally nonspecific offspring to allow Angelina Jolie to promote her new movie The Changeling. It’s an important movie for Angelina Jolie, because it’s the first role for several years where she hasn’t just played Angelina Jolie. Also, it’s a Clint Eastwood film, so there might be an Oscar in it for her if she licks enough arse. Access Hollywood reports:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have brought their six kids to New York City for the first time since the birth of their twins, Vivienne and Knox. The actress and mother of six is scheduled to walk the red carpet at the film’s premiere for the first time since giving birth to her twins.

As nice as it must have been for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to spend time in another country with less media intrusion and a slower, idyllic pace of life, it will do everyone some good to return to America.

More people will recognise Shilou Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, for example, so she’ll find booking a table at a restaurant much easier. And Brad Pitt’s bodyguards can beat up people who they actually understand for once. And lovely old Olivia Poupot gets to go a few days without giving a hilariously disdainful police statement about what a dreary couple of bastards she thinks Brad and Angelina are.

But the break won’t last – Brad Pitt is filming Inglorious Bastards in Germany at the moment, so after a few days, the entire brood will decamp back to Europe again. But no matter where they go they’ll always have a little piece of America inside them. True, it’s an impacted clump of hamburger that’ll cling to the inside of their colon until they day they die, but it’s good enough.

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star’s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

He doesn’t need anything else – but that doesn’t mean he’s unwilling to consider all his options. Lung cancer, for instance, can be a highly effective super-tool in the hands of something so powerful and good.

With it, the demise of Magneto could be 20 minutes into a chemo treatment rather than smashing his brains through the side of John Deere headquarters.

Also the Hulk could use it to kill his hardest-core fans. Who needs them, right? He’s already started, you know – at least according to a legion of physicians. They’re so mad, and they will find a way to defeat him no matter what.

Actually, that sounds pretty good. Maybe someone should work that into an actual comic book.

We’re willing to letter it.

A lot of great things happened with the release of this hulk movie. For one, Ed Norton and Marvel learned that talking through their problems is far more effective than screaming, pointing, and stabbing repeatedly with someone else’s letter opener.

We don’t know when exactly they would have learned that last one, but everyone pretty much already knows it, right?

For another, Team Hulk likely realized the movie they were making was a chance to reach out and touch the lives of children everywhere – stuffing them to the brim with values, manners and thousands of tobacco-rich cigars.

That’s right, we said cigars. They did this specifically by having a main character – General Thunderbolt Ross – constantly smoking a stubby. This most certainly does not sit well with American Medical Association (AMA). Also PETA will probably be mad once they learn said cigars are lined on the inside with the greenish-blue blood of baby kangaroos. That’s for incredible flavor.

Dianne Fenyk, the mighty queen of the AMA, had this to say about everything:

“Hollywood studios should be especially embarrassed for using comic-book movies, which they market to children and know youth will want to see, to promote tobacco.”

To which we say; Well excuuuuuuse us for living in a country where children are no longer allowed to smoke. You gonna take their guns next?

In relation to the cigar-sucking general, Fenyk goes on to add:

“Besides, everyone knows Virginia Slims are the only standard military issue smokes allowed on American bases. They get doled out on day one in a tin box with crackers and spreadable fish.”

She didn’t say that last bit, but she did say the first one. Let us take this opportunity to chime in with a hearty agreement and say the cigar is a very unrealistic element in the movie. Everyone knows the only thing smoked by a man who regularly chases giant, green, jumping monsters would have much more of a doobie feel to it.

C’mon Marvel. Let’s get real.

Read More:

Incredible Hulk – Medics Upset About Hulk Smoking Scenes – Contact Music

Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she’s done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We’re not sure when that will be, mind, as she has just about to have some of those child things, with Pitt serving up half of the chromosomes in the deal.

But hey – he’s already had a crack at her, so why shouldn’t ol’ Billy-Bob be confident?

See, Thornton has a theory on Jolie’s relationship with the pretty-boy Pitt. And in fine Hollywood fashion he’s decided that it’s something we all need to know about, rather than something that should probably stay firmly locked up in his head lest it sound like the insane rantings of a jealous old man.

Talking at a press conference for his new album, Billy, Bobby, whatever he’s called said:

“She’s just going through a high school phase. You know dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She’ll be waking up from that dream in no time.”

Bibbly, Bobbly – you struck so, so fucking lucky getting her in the first place, there’s no need to be a ridiculous prat about things and make such audacious claims. Maybe hecklerspray can let you off for making your thoughts public like this, but at least leave it at that. No more silly claims, no more petty side swipes. You had your chance – everybody gets one.

Oh no:

“Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

So not only is Bad Santa himself claiming that Angelina Jolie is going through a phase by having a long-term relationship with the soon-to-be father of her children, he’s also saying that if (or when, in Thornton’s mind) the two split up he might not even take her back.

The man must be on some good shit if his mind-drum plays along to that beat.

We do have some suggestions for Bibble Bobble though, which may help him in his quest to get Jolie back, or turn her down, or whatever he wants to do, if she does break up with Bradley and come crawling back to him:

1) If he still has the vial of her blood lying around, Thornton could always dabble in a bit of Angelina-cloning. This would give him an identical copy of Jolie, with the added bonus of her being a clean slate, ready for him to tell: “you fancy older, weird-looking blokes called Billy-Bob. And not attractive A-list movie stars.”

2) Thornton could put himself up for adoption, in the hope that Jolie’s soon-to-be born children haven’t dampened her taste for adoption pie. She unsuspectingly brings him into the Jolie/Pitt family fold, Bibbles works from there. We’re not coming up with all of the plan, just helping him on his way.

3) Billy-Bob could approach Angelina from a purely friendly perspective and become something of a confidant. During the process of heart-to-heart, deep discussions, Thornton could then convince Jolie she should return to her days of lesbianism (or at least bisexuality). Then it’s a simple case of a sex-change and Bob’s your… lover?

4) Get Angelina so smacked off her tits she starts talking utter shite, passes out and when she wakes up she’s in the middle of nowhere, alone with Billob. Granted, this is technically kidnapping, but it’s no more insane than claiming you wouldn’t take Angeline Jolie up on the offer of getting back together with her.

We’ve run out of suggestions now. But just remember who’s trying to help you, Billy-Bob Thornton. We’re your friends.

Look, listen, Bri wants his fucking kids back, OK? And he’s prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get them, even if it means stating the fucking obvious to the British press. From the Daily Mail :

“Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes. Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games. She uses my two girls as a weapon in her childish games. She is an embarrassment to me, my family and my children.”

Way to go Brian! But you forgot to inject, “idiot,” “fat moron fuck,” and, “smokes and drinks and possibly takes cocaine whilst pregnant” as many times as possible into your sentences. These are very important. Remember to tell your lawyer, OK? And say hi to Delta Goodrem from us while you’re at it. We would leave Katona for that bitch too. Actually, no, that would require us to get with her in the first place and we would never do something that utterly moronic due to having a reasonable level of intellect. Look into getting one of them, they’re really quite helpful.

Good thing you live in Australia Brian or else Kerry’s new husband, Mark Croft would be all over you with a hammer and some dogs right about now. Due to all the publicity you’re garnering for his client Max Clifford would also be sucking the shit out of your cock. Perhaps a sneaky finger up the bumhole too. In between the radiotherapy sessions of course. Don’t be so fucking sick, Brian. Jesus.

But, listen up again, yeah? Kerry isn’t prepared to just sit on her fat anus and eat twenty menthol fags whilst breathing crack into the faces of her children. NO! Katona has only gone and retorted, hasn’t she. Well, sort of. Her mate Sophie told Heat magazine this mouth balls:

“Kerry is not scares, she’s upset and disappointed because Brian seems to making a habit of attacking her and it is all one-way traffic. The only way that Brian seems to be able to attract any sort of media interest or publicity is by attacking Kerry.”

Kerry is not scares. Seriously, that bitch is not scares one bit.

We hope you get them kids, Bri. Remain unscares. Although, remember your ‘definitely not addicted to drugs for legal reasons’ ex wife did win Mother of the Year. Twice. That’s two times. Kerry Katona. Mother of the Year. Twice.

The world is a sad and dark place.

Read more:

Kerry Katona and Brian McFadden’s custody war rages on in ’showbiz’s bloodiest battle’ – Daily Mail

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

There’s a lot of talk about Britney Spears being a bad mother just because she drove with one of them on her lap once and seems constantly on the brink of a messy bipolar sobbing suicide attempt – but it’s clear that actually Britney Spears is a good mother.

Why? Because there’s a statue of Britney Spears with a baby poking out of her minge. Is there a statue of a baby poking out of your minge? Thought not. And when Britney Spears had a harrowing breakdown that resulted in her admission into a psychiatric hospital, who did she think to take hostage in a locked bathroom until the police were called? That’s right – her children. Would you think to do that? No, no you wouldn’t. You’re the bad mother here. Britney Spears is the best.

That’s not just our opinion either – that’s the opinion of the commissioner in charge of yesterday’s custody hearing between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. OK, maybe ‘the best’ is an overstatement. Let’s try ‘marginally less likely to cause her children harm than three months ago’ instead.

That’s right – yesterday Britney Spears was told that she can see her children slightly more often than before, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

The singer’s visitation rights to sons Sean Preston and Jayden James were expanded Tuesday after a custody hearing with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. According to Usmagazine.com, there was no change in custody. Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan merely said that her time with the boys will be “more than it has been.” But according to TMZ.com, Spears will get three days supervised visitation a week and visitation on Mother’s Day.

This result is a good sign for all involved, notably Britney Spears. The more time she gets to spend with her children, the more she’ll become aware that she has a wider responsibility than to just herself. But Britney Spears isn’t the only one to feel the benefit of the commissioner’s decision.

Kevin Federline now gets a little more free time to research answers to some of the tricky questions that his children ask, like ‘why is the sky blue?’ and ‘how many legs does a doggy have?’

And, best of all, the kids get to see Britney Spears again. Not the singing, dancing pop princess Britney Spears from the TV that the rest of us get to see, but the dead-eyed, emotionally brittle psychiatric patient Britney Spears who gave birth to them. Heartwarming.

Read more:

Happy Mother’s Day, y’all: Britney Spears allowed more time with her boys – LA Times

Yes, that's right – all of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids hate each other to pieces. Literally to pieces – it's like living with a gaggle of midget Naomi Campbells.

According to reports, Angelina Jolie's adopted brood have started a flurry of three-on-one attacks on her biological daughter Shiloh Nouvel. But Angelina likes nothing more than a fair fight, which is why – rather than the twins everyone expects – Angelina Jolie is actually gestating two fully-armed mecha-warriors from the future up her vagina to help level the playing field. To level it with plasma cannons.

Sibling rivalry can be a terrible thing. It can forge long-lasting resentments between family members, and even tear some families wide apart. Look at the Baldwins, for goodness sake. How must Alec feel knowing that Daniel, William and Stephen are all constantly laying unsuccessful Wile E. Coyote-style boobytraps for him as revenge for him starring in Married To The Mob ahead of them? We don't know how he manages to go on. 

And this sibling rivalry fad has even spread to the most perfect family on the face of the earth – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's family. On paper Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's family couldn't be more perfect – Daddy's a beautiful actor, Mummy's a beautiful actress, and their four children from Cambodia, Ethiopia, Vietnam and Brad Pitt's testicles spend every day laughing and singing and teaching one another about their respective indigenous cultures like a beautiful rainbow of hope.

But on paper bees can't fly and Michelle Marsh is attractive. We all know that real life doesn't work like that, so it should be no surprise that a new report in Star magazine claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's children dislike each other so much that they can't stop fighting:

Maddox 6, is constantly pushing Pax, 4, around in an attempt to show him who's boss, says a source. "But Pax is no wimp, and he fights back." But it's little Zahara, 3, who really rules the roost! "She screams and shouts at the boys when she doesn't get her way," says the source. Not even Shiloh, 22 months, is safe — and the toddler has the battle scars to prove it. "Z is always pushing or scratching her… Z once clawed Shiloh's cheek after she tried to take her cookie. She's always pulling on Shiloh's hair so she can steal her food." And little Shiloh has more than her hair to worry about! Recently while Shiloh's three older siblings roughhoused, she got knocked down and chipped a tooth!

What's to blame for this sudden spate of Jolie-Pitt inter-child violence? Why, it's the parents, obviously. Apparently the children get cranky because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't give the kids a set bedtime and feed them chips, pizza and fizzy drinks. Clearly a strict 6pm bedtime and a diet of nothing but fair trade organically-sourced broccoli buds will stop the children attacking Shiloh because they're clearly adopted and she isn't.

The situation will only get worse with a set of newborn twins on the way as well, so what's Angelina Jolie to do? Set up a kind of adopted child United Nations headed by stern-looking adopted South Korean boy who'll be able to chair a series of thoughtful and well-mannered debates?

Yes. Yes, that's exactly what Angelina Jolie should do, because it's either that or stop adopting and giving birth to more kids than she could ever hope to keep under control, but you don't get multi-million dollar exclusive magazine covershoot deals for not having kids, do you.

Read more:

Brangelina Bunch: Inside Their Crazy Lives – Star 

That's why Britney Spears has scored herself a quiet little job on the side. But what job could you really give someone who, just a few weeks ago, was deemed to be too mentally ill to dress or feed herself?

Why, a children's dance instructor, of course. Britney Spears is now a genuine dance instructor at the Millennium Dance Complex in Hollywood and is using her considerable dance experience to teach a group of 15 five-year-olds everything she knows. In fact, next week Britney Spears has even asked Madonna to stop by and jab her ancient tongue into each and every one of those adorable infant mouths. It's heartwarming.

If you're anything like us, you're struggling to come to terms with a world where Britney Spears doesn't do something newsworthily demented every single day. In fact, entire weeks have passed without Britney Spears collapsing in a sobbing heap in front of 250 paparazzos and a couple of news helicopters. It's weird, isn't it? Weird and confusing and wrong. Without Britney Spears to laugh at, we might even have to – gulp – examine our own failings as human beings.

But that's just something we'll have to get used to, because Britney Spears' father is doing such an admirable job at keeping his daughter under control that she hardly does anything crazy any more. Reason being that Britney Spears has put all the energy she used to waste on shaving her head and barricading herself in a bathroom semi-naked with her terrified baby son until she's forcefully taken to hospital into doing something constructive – teaching children to dance. 

That's nothing new – Britney Spears has already taught dance lessons to kids since her hospital visit – but now it's more official, because Britney Spears has become an actual dance instructor at Hollywood's Millennium Dance Complex. And what's more, being close to Britney Spears in an enclosed space isn't giving the children lifelong emotional wounds that they'll never be able to recover from, as People reports:

Britney Spears headed back into the dance studio Tuesday night to teach a class of 15 children. And her pint-sized pupils are singing her praises. "I like Britney," 5-year-old Elissa Bouganim, who has taken three classes with the pop star, tells PEOPLE. “Today, first we were dancing slow, and then faster and faster … Then we did the fish-move and lots of other fun things."

This is the perfect way for Britney Spears to get better again. The children are both a symbol of Britney's lost innocence and a reminder of her own semi-estranged children, while Britney Spears gets to feel useful and in control again by passing on knowledge of what she's best at. Hey, if Britney keeps this up then those kids are going to become the world's foremost exponents of pre-school underdressed whoreish dancing. There's literally nothing that can go wrong here.

That is, unless Britney attempts to recreate her most famous dance routine with the children and three of them wind up getting eaten by the giant python she brings to class. Then it might be a good idea for her to get back to the pop music thing.

Read more:

Britney Spears Earns Raves as a Dance Teacher – People