Maybe the title could have been: ‘I saw a bear, and it took a dump in the woods’ or even ‘I saw the Pope, and he was a Catholic’. Of course, we are being facetious. Katy Perry annoyingly knew exactly what she was doing.

And we fell for it hook, line and sinker. But how could the thought of an attractive girl getting it on with another girl cause such a swirl of attention?
You see pissed girls in clubs and bars smooching all the time, just for a laugh. And it’s not as if red-blooded men get any kind of pleasure from seeing that, do we?

OK, of course we do. But why? Why does the sight of seeing two sexy girls having a smooch drive men – and a lot of women – nuts? Not convinced? Well, put it this way, when we were compiling our ’sexiest ever movie moments’ list the other day, we did a straw poll in the office. Seemed only fair. Hecklerspray is a democracy after all – sort of.

Anyway, what became incredible apparent was the number of movie clips nominated that revolved around two women getting it on. This could either mean we are all a bunch of lesbians, or that is purely a normal thing to get turned on by. Not that we’d would ever describe our writers as normal, mind you.

With that in mind, we thought it would be fun and a great waste of an afternoon to compile a list of our favourites. Oh, and before you start moaning, of course a lot of them are not real lesbian clinches and are just publicity stunts and movie scenes.

Come to think of it, they all are one or the other. In fact, some do not even touch lips. But who cares? They provided us with a little bit of titillation. Enjoy!

22. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards

From: Wild Things

21. Halle Berry and Britney Spears

From: Saturday Night Live

20. Jessica Biel and Sarah Silverman

From: MTV awards

19. Penelope Cruz and Charlize Theron

From: Head in The Clouds

18. Calista Flockhart and Lucy Lui

From: Ally McBeal

17. Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams

From: If These Walls Could Talk 2

16. Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston

From: Dirt

15. Britney Spears and Madonna

From: MTV Awards

14. A very young Anna Friel and Nicola Stephenson

From: Brookside

13. Tatu

From: All the Things She Said

12. Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau

From: Desert Hearts

11. Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve

From: The Hunger

10. Maria de Medeiros and Uma Thurman

From: Henry and June

9. Joan Chen and Anne Heche

From: Wild Side

8. Terry Farrell (Jadzia Dax) and Susannah Thompson Lenara

From: Deep Space Nine

7. Kristin Scott Thomas and Emanuelle Seigner

From: Bitter Moon

6. Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell

From: Gia

5. Nikki Reed and Rachel Evan Wood

From: Thirteen

4. Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd

Film: Frida

3. Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair

From: Cruel Intentions

2. Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly

From: Bound

1. Naomi Watts and Laura Harring

From: Mulholland Drive

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But we digress. We’re about to link to a gallery of famous women in bikinis, thanks to OSOYOU. You know exactly what you’re going to get here – if you’re female you can alternate between envy and glee as you flick between celebrities who look good in their bikinis and celebrities who look like messy old fartbags.

And, if you’re male, you can look at the pictures and decide whether or not you’d like to have sex with the celebrities before deciding that, yes, you’d probably have sex with all of them. Even Amy Winehouse. Then you can go and cry. For this is how all men work. Anyway, pictures! Let’s go!

Celebs In Bikinis – OSOYOU

Over the last few days, what with Celine Dion ploughing through 6.5 million gallons of water in a year and Sharon Stone blaming the Chinese earthquake on karma, we’ve thought a lot about how much celebrities care.

And they care a lot. Celebrities, because they are celebrities, feel suffering much more strongly than anyone else. And there’s only one outlet for this profound level of caring – the all-star charity song. We all know the big ones – like We Are The World and Do They Know It’s Christmas – but there are plenty of other less well-known ones out there as well.

Like What More Can I Give by Michael Jackson And Friends, a song written about South Africa, recorded after 9/11 and never properly released because its video was apparently shot by a director of gay porn. Anastacia, Nick Carter, Usher, Ricky Martin, ‘N Sync, Hanson – they all appear on What More Can I Give, though we’d expect none of them would want to discuss it if you asked them about it now.

Why? Try and watch What More Can I Give all the way to the end and you’ll see why. It’s hard, we know – you’ll suffer through more fist-pumping oversincerity than you can possibly imagine – but it’s absolutely worth it, just to see the bit where Usher and Celine Dion give heartfelt spoken-word messages. Not about 9/11, you understand. About Michael Jackson. Incredible.

You try satisfying the demands of an adoring public. You try dealing with the taunts from the media. You try picking out the perfect dress for the after-Oscar party. Such heavy demands are always going to take its toll. And when celebrities lose it – they usually lose it pretty bad. It’s like watching a crazed chimp turn on their masters after being prodded by a stick for 19 hours.

And to make it worse, when they finally do explode, we revel in their misery. Watch the clips of them making tits of themselves over and over again, laughing at their misfortune. Are they not just human, after all? If you cut them, do they not bleed?

Anyway, hecklerspray has come up with the top nine moments when celebs have really lost the plot…

9. Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin shows what it takes to be a good father. What a thoughtless little pig.

8. Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul goes nuts basically about nothing. It’s really uncomfortable viewing.

7. David Hasselhoff

The Hoff is filmed by his daughter after falling off the wagon.

6. Rosie O’Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell lets rip at Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whoever she is, on The View. We think the argument was about the war in Iraq, although it ended up being the kind of babbling, directionless, full-volume, split screen squabble that you normally only hear on the last train home.

5. Bjork

Bjork decided to kick the crap out of some reporter at an airport for having the audacity to say ‘welcome to Bangkok’. Maybe it was a different airport. Maybe Bjork hates Thai food. Who knows? One thing we do probably know, however, is this is probably not a meltdown – in fact, it’s actually quite tame for the mad-as-snakes Bjork.

4. Tom Cruise

Proof, if ever you needed it, that Scientology is not good for you.

3. Crispin Glover on Letterman

So, who’s Crispin Glover again? All we know is that he should be on more talk shows.

2. Britney Spears

A bald Britney Spears finally snaps and takes her aggression out on a photographer’s car.

1. Kramer from Seinfeld

Kramer from Seinfeld loses the plot at a comedy club. Seinfield was never this funny.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied: "Sure, why not? You're a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command".

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 some Italian named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

Civil War, Vietnam, Iraq, then Will and Grace, and now this, the ultimate coup de grace – Piers Morgan – whose list of crimes include making people feel sympathy for Jeremy Clarkson, being editor of the News Of The World once, and having the name Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan. Commenting on Morgan's performance in the show, touped-twat Donald Trump told him:

"You're a vicious guy; I've seen it … You're tough, you're smart,
you're probably brilliant, I'm not sure. You're certainly not
diplomatic, but you did an amazing job and you beat the hell out of
everybody."

The final task on Thursday's finale was to hold a charity event and raise as much money as possible. Morgan's rival, country singer Trace Adkins, had the duty of babysitting The Backstreet Boys, while Piers was responsible for the auction and food.

Trace sold more tickets, but Stefan Pughe raised the most money, earning an additional $250,000 (£125,000) for his charity.

And what was Morgan's chosen charity? Why it was the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, which provides support for families of U.S. military personnel who have died in the line of duty.

Which is all very well, but it just goes to prove that, no matter how much of an utter cunt you are, if you cheer loud enough in support of the troops, all will be forgiven, even if you had previously been sacked for publishing faked photographs of Iraqi prisoners being abused by British Army personnel.

Whatever, America, you can have him, but don't doubt for one moment that this is anything other than your Judgement Day. So long, it's been good to know ya.

But we’re scared of getting beat up off said people. And if that wasn’t bad enough, our mums might find out and then we wouldn’t get fish fingers and chips for tea. Just a slapped arse. And no-one wants that. Other people around the world have their own wants, too. The old problem of trying to have sex with someone famous has baffled stalkers for years, for instance. But now one company aims to help perverts/fanatics everywhere by producing super-realistic celebrity shag dolls. Featuring everyone from Jessica Simpson to Lindsay Lohan, the days off posh wanks are over! 

Stalkers, or hardcore fans as they prefer to be known, often come in for a bad rap. Some people out their just want their favourite celebrity to have a somewhat pleasurable time during their career. Britney Spears frequently gets packages of dildos sent to her house to either make up for the lack of rubbish men in her life or to crack over her slaphead. 

Girls Aloud even had stalker stories written about them. Sadly, not ones about fluffy kittens, magic rabbits that make lemonade or talking cows to comfort you about cheating husbands. No, it was a much more colourful tale filled with mutilation, rape and murder. Not one read to the youngsters at night. 

Putting two and two together and for once not getting five, we’ve noticed a connection here. These stories of fanatic celebrity following revolve around sex. We saw a video on it once. It seems that some people just want to become one with the person they desire. And not wanting to disappoint these slightly warped people, one company has risen to the task of helping people to pump their man love in to a celebrity. 

A company in America called Pipedream is offering sex dolls that look like famous women. Hubba hubba, now you can literally spend the night with Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Eva Longoria and Sarah Jessica Parker. Previous thoughts of kidnap, hostage-taking and threats of death for celebrity sex are now a thing of the past. If the sun shines brighter tomorrow, it’s because the world is a better place because of one less manic stalker out there.

Pipedream CEO Nick Orlandini says: 

“We don’t have one best seller but want to add Britney Spears and Madonna to the collection. Sales for all of them have been consistent with each other. There isn’t one that sells better than the others or worse.” 

After sex dolls, surely more celebrity endorsements will be a common practise. From the Pete Doherty syringe to the Amy Winehouse crack pipe, it’s a marketing dream. Being like our favourite star is becoming more of a reality. If this happens, we won’t have to go through their bins as much! 

Read more: 

Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson get their own blow-up dolls – Showbiz Spy

But who’ll win the prize of £50,000 and a lifetime of only being recognised as Wotsit Off Big Brother? Emilia, Nathan, John, Anthony, Jeremy and Amy all remain in the house, and one of them has to win, even though it’d probably be fairer on humanity if they let a massive robot into the house and let it trample them all to death instead. But who’ll win?

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Emilia, John, Anthony and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Emilia – Even though the odds said Latoya was bound to go, we were still a little surprised when Emilia didn’t get evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house on Wednesday night, purely because of what an infuriating little twit she is.

She has a boyfriend, but she complains about him. She has a brother, but she complains about him. She has a romantic interest in Jeremy, but all she does is bicker with him. There’s no doubt in our mind that Emilia is in the shortlist for Worst Girlfriend Ever because of this attitude.

Or at least she would be if she couldn’t put her arse on her head. Still, that’s not enough to let her win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. Is it? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

John – We’ve been backwards and forwards with John since Big Brother Celebrity Hijack began – we thought he should win because the stuff he did with Matt Lucas was quite funny, then we thought he should lose because he’s such an oversensitive, condescending pissbag.

Then we thought he should win again because the only reason that he’s so oversensitive and condescending is because the others are dicks to him. So now we’re not sure. And by the time we go to bed tonight we won’t care. And that time can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/1

Anthony - We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve already written tomorrow’s ‘Anthony Wins Big Brother’ article. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve printed up a bunch of ‘Anthony Is A Knockout’ T-shirts that we’ll be selling out the boot of our car first thing tomorrow morning.

We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve registered as many websites with his name in them as we could think of and used them to host disgusting porn. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’re not even going to watch the Big Brother final tonight. So it’s a pisser that Anthony’s probably not going to win, then. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Amy – In a fair and just world, Amy should probably win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. She’s got strength of mind by the bucketload, she’s able to use reason and sense to talk the other housemates out of flipping out and she’s been remarkably quick to see through all of Big Brother’s dimwitted machinations when the others haven’t.

And now, after weeks of being second-favourite, it looks like Amy’s going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tonight. And since all the teenage girls voting for the show will want Anthony to win, this is quite the achievement. Especially as Amy looks more and more like Dave Gorman with each passing day. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 11/8

Tomorrow: We haven’t got a titting clue, to be honest. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Which two? God knows, frankly. After Wednesday night's face-to-face nominations the only people who definitely won't be evicted tonight are Anthony and John. Everyone else is fair game, and we're buggered if we know who'll be evicted.

So instead, ostrich-style, we're going to ignore tonight's double eviction and keep our eyes on Monday's prize, starting today with the four housemates who don't stand a flipping chance of winning.

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Jay, Nathan and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista - It's taken a while for Calista to develop a personality within Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, but thank God she finally has. Admittedly it's the personality of a stark-staring lusty-eyed witch who can't stop gawping at Anthony and involuntarily twitching. It's not a pretty sight, and that's probably why Calista's the least favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. That and the dawning public realisation that Anthony now understands that he'll be knee deep in girls from Monday night so the last thing he should do is shack up with – let's admit it – a woman who looks slightly like the Crazy Frog. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Jay – Despite the early promises, Jay hasn't turned out to be quite as objectionable as we assumed. So why is he so unlikely to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? It might be because he's failed to really connect with any of the other housemates. Or it might be because whenever we hear Big Brother say "Can Jay please come to the Diary Room," we spend about 30 seconds going "Jay? Is there a housemate called Jay? Which one's that? Oh, Jaaaaaaay!" and since we've been following this bloody thing professionally that's not really a very good sign. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Nathan – You know what we liked best about Nathan at the start of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? The way he went "brap brap brap" whenever he was happy. And you know what Nathan hasn't done since about three days into Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Anything at all. Seriously, Nathan's plan to get more fans by appearing on Big Brother has backfired furiously – unless of course he thinks that inert lumps with no personality are what the kids like these days. And, let's be fair, he might be right – that's the only way we can explain the popularity of Keane. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 33/1

Jeremy – What we like best about Jeremy is that, even though he cracks a lot of jokes all the time, it's all obviously such a badly-built defence mechanism that it wouldn't take long to have him wailing and crying and sucking his thumb. But with just one long weekend left in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, that's plainly not going to happen. So we'll have awkward, geeky wisecracker Jeremy to put up with, unless he's evicted tonight. Ace. No, really… Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

On Monday – Betting odds for the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack frontrunners. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

As we told you yesterday, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates facing eviction tomorrow night are Jeremy, Emilia, Victor and Liam. Sadly two of them have to go in a double eviction – it’s sad because they all can’t – but who’s it going to be? Rubbishly, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction betting odds haven’t gone online yet, so we’re going to give you each nominated housemate’s betting odds to win, and you can work it all out backwards yourselves. Yes?

Good – so here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy and Emilia, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – Although he promised to be one of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack’s biggest arseholes, all of Jeremy’s rough edges have been shaved off by Emilia, who he obviously wants to have sex with quite a lot. But Big Brother Celebrity Hijack voters want more from their housemates than just the distant promise of seeing some elastic-limbed sex on TV – they want action. And what has Jeremy actually done lately? made a snow angel under duress? Stroked Emilia’s hair as she went to sleep? That’s rubbish behaviour, but we suspect that Jeremy will be let off the hook again this week because, well, because he’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Emilia – Remember who the viewers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack are – teenage girls. Now, look at Emilia – a talented, successful girl who is quite pretty and who, by being able to put her arse on her head, is the main focus of male attention this year. If you were a teenage girl, would you want Emilia to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, or would you start making plans for the best way to grab her by the hair and throw her into the bins in a jealous fit? As teenage girls ourselves, we’re going to have to say the latter. Usually this would be enough to signal the end of a housemate’s Big Brother experience, but we suspect that Emilia will be let off the hook this week because, well, because she’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor and Liam. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

And we're giving you and a guest the very special chance to be at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijacks finale.

Taking place on Monday January 28, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale will be the best place to experience the emotion, the drama and the slightly rubbishy homemade banners that accompanies all Big Brother finales. And you could be there. Yes, you.

We have two sets of tickets to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale to give away to you, so long as you're over 18, reside in the UK, able to find your own travel and accommodation and have a friend that you can take along with you.

To enter the competition, just answer this simple question:

Who won Big Brother 4?

Send your answers – along with a mobile number you can be contacted on if you win – to hello[AT]hecklerspray.com and  we'll pick two winning entries by Jan 23. Good luck!

As if just living in a new house with 11 total strangers for a month isn’t bad enough, they’ve also been put through a brutal SAS interrogation process by Andy McNab, had their acting skills harshly criticised by that Scottish actor, plus they had to spend a day listening to Peaches Geldof rabbiting on at them without being able to kick their way into the control room and choke her on her stupid microphone. They’re made of stronger stuff than us.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Latoya – You can tell that the producers of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack desperately want Latoya and Nathan to hook up. Hardly a furtive side-glace or awkward semi-conversation between them goes by without a huge deal getting made of it. And the truth is, we’re not sure if Latoya really likes Nathan. And we’re not sure if Latoya doesn’t like Nathan either. Frankly we’re not sure that dancing has left very much in Latoya’s brain at all, aside from a camp man in an afro and a velour tracksuit shouting “And five six seven eight SPIN six seven eight!” over and over again. But maybe Latoya’s being smart and playing the dark horse to avoid eviction. Or maybe she doesn’t understand the concept of smart because it doesn’t involve windmilling your arms around like a loon. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Emilia – Notice how Emilia is dead-centre of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. Know why that is? It’s because nobody can work out if Emilia is a nice girl or a tosspiece. She’s a tough one to crack, that’s for sure – she’s obviously got a streak of burning narcissism running through her a mile wide, and she can always be counted on to get what she wants by flashing her legs around like a hussy. But then again Emilia isn’t shy of the odd sincerely sweet gesture, too. If Big Brother Celebrity Hijack was voted for primarily by sex-starved married men in their mid-forties, we get the feeling that Emilia would walk it, but since it’s mainly teenage girls who take part, we can’t work out what they’ll make of her. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Jeremy – The most interesting noise that a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd at the sound of a name is “wearrrrugh” – the noncommittal acceptance that, although a housemate may have appeared to be a bit of a dick to begin with, actually he’s not all that bad. On Friday’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, Jeremy got a “wearrrrugh.” That either means that the public is warming to Jeremy as a human being or they at least want him kept in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house long enough for Emilia to spectacularly obliterate his sense of self-worth forever when he inevitably tries to kiss her and she rejects him in front of the entire country. We’d need to listen to the “wearrrrugh” again to tell you which one of these it is. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 8/1

Amy – For all her arsty-fartsy chronic po-faced wankiness when it comes to her talent – which is cleaning small squares of floor, by the way – Amy is emerging as one of the most well-rounded Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates by far. Whatever situation she’s put in, Amy tends to cope magnificently – with the girls she talks about boys and crushes, with the more cynical Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates she’s laid-back and dry, she can withstand SAS interrogation from a fat man with a funny voice – and it’s probably fair to say that Amy’s the housemate most suited to a job at hecklerspray. Except that she looks alarmingly like Heather Mills, so someone would have probably kicked her out of a window by lunchtime. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Nor is the fact that Victor’s already up for Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction this Friday. What is important is that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack seems to be turning into 24, and we don’t know why.

Look at the facts. As soon as the first housemate entered the house he was given a Jack Bauer-style earpiece to wear, and then on Saturday the housemates were all given a Jack Bauer-style interrogation. What next? Will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have to cut each others’ hands off with fire axes? Will one of them get caught in a bear trap while a mountain lion prowls around them until Matt Dillon’s brother rescues them and tries to keep them as a wife? We must know!

Anyway, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win for Victor, Liam, Calista and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Victor – Although hurling a scrawny woman around on a pair of rollerskates is the talent that Victor spoke of when he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we’re starting to think that his real talent is escaping evictions even though there isn’t a single person on the planet who seems to like him. Thanks to his ridiculous chauvinism, exceptional conceitedness and inability to express even the simplest of emotions, the entire Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house hates him, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd vocally hates him and the television audience hates him. And yet Victor is still in the house. What’s wrong with you people? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Liam – Liam is what we’ve decided to term a Big Brother timebomb. The public’s resentment of Liam is building all the time to such an extent that his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tenure is over the moment he’s even shortlisted for eviction. But what is it about Liam that people can’t stand? His stupid floppy hair? His Wolfman eyebrows? His bizarre transatlantic accent? The way he says ‘guys’ every other word? The fact that he’s only about 12 and already claims to have slept with 50 men and women? The way that he’ll often go somewhere and sit alone just so that he can meow at himself? Why, yes. Yes, all of those things. We’ll worry about Liam taking over the world when we need to, but for now let’s just get him out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Calista – On paper Calista looks like a lot of fun – what with her virtuoso piano skills and her confusing insistence on painting her face like a native American smashed on Haribo on eviction nights and all – but in person, stripped of a piano for her to smack around singing songs about fannies, Calista’s probably the worst-value Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate that there is. It’s impossible to hate Calista, but it’s equally hard to like her because she never does anything. Across the course of a one-hour edition of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, there’s a chance that Calista will either raise her eyebrows or say “really?” once. We’ve worn underwear more interesting than Calista. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Jay – We have to admit we were wrong about Jay. As he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house we were convinced that Jay was the most irritating person alive. And it’s simply not true – Liam is. But Jay’s a high-ranking runner-up. Jay was one of the first people to talk to Victor about the treatment of his sister – which, given the threat of Victor getting angry and spinning him round on some rollerskates in a fit of rage, was a brave thing to do. But the way Jay talks still bugs us – it’s like he was raised in a capsule Superman-style but, instead of listening to Marlon Brando imparting intergalactic advice, he was force-fed every episode of Sex And The City. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

The Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have decided that Jeremy, Jade and Victor are the people they’d least like to put up with for the rest of the month, and come this evening one of them will be bundled into the giant brass mail chute marked ‘permanant anonymity’. But who? Who? We can’t wait 12 hours! We want to know now!

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy, Jade and Victor to get evicted tonight, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – When Jeremy entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house last week, he came across as a bit of a twonk, all ‘hey I’m a racing driver, yeah?’ insouciance and ‘let’s not pretend that I don’t have a fuckload of money’ smuggery. But buried deep – really deep, almost impossibly deep – inside Jeremy is a sweet little nerd who just wants to be loved. And, in particular, loved by that bendy girl with the pop-out vagina. Since he’s easily the least irritating Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate up for eviction, we can’t see him going tonight. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Jade – Again, we may have misjudged Jade a little since she entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, too. Although she has moments of supreme fist-clenching, eye-bulging annoyingness – like how she leaps around like a tit first thing in the morning and how she talks like a sock puppet of a sickly frog – but let’s not forget that Jade was the only one to suss that Russell Brand’s raging cameraman trick was a hoax. That at least proves that Jade is almost as clever as she says she is – and after a few more days of realising that nobody like her, maybe Jade will even calm down and be watchable. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Victor – Now, on the other hand, Victor is someone who nobody has ever misjudged in their entire lives. They all see Victor, think “what a preening git,” and are never ever proved wrong. Victor has managed to quickly turn the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house against him by ordering his sister about and constantly viewing his slightly rum options on women, which is strange because we’ve never had cause to doubt the intellectual reasonings of men who spin around on rollerskates for a living before. This could be the last we see of Victor. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/5

Next week – more Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

We’ll have the eviction betting odds tomorrow, but let’s not forget what’s going on inside the Big Brother house right now. After the double body-blow of that bloke from The 11 O’Clock Show titting about in their garden and John McCririck spending all of yesterday bellowing nonsense at them, it’s a wonder that they all haven’t keeled over in a big messy puddle yet.

Who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Anthony and John, with help from Paddy Power…

Anthony – There’s a vast difference between how Anthony presents himself to the world and what he’s actually like. On his entrance into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we knew that a) Anthony was a boxer and b) he had a funny little maze shaved into the side of his head. But in reality Anthony seems fairly down-to-earth, nicely self-deprecating and partially aware that he’s going to be trapped in a house for a month with a bag of bell-ends. Still, it’s early days, and there’s still time for Anthony to wig out, kill Victor by punching him and consign himself to history as Brutal Big Brother Murderer Anthony, so we’ll withhold judgement for now. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 4/1

Nathan – Nathan, of course, has a huge advantage over his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack competitors because, by getting nominated for a MOBO, he’s the only one that anybody’s actually heard of. In fact, when Nathan had to show off his skills recently, many of the other housemates actually sang along to the song he was singing, something that didn’t happen to, say, Calista’s bimbly nonsense about fannies. Plus, Nathan likes to express happiness by firing an imaginary gun into the air and shouting “Bup bup bup bup bup!” which is the most heartwarming endorsement of gun crime we think we’ve ever seen. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 7/2

John – Now, although these betting odds currently have John as the favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, we aren’t so certain. Without a doubt John was the biggest star of the opening night – as Matt Lucas was ordering him through an earpiece to claim that he wrote The Sound Of Music and could Irish dance much to his obvious horror – but that might go against him. Although he’s sure to get to the final, that could well be where John falls down. All the earpiece nonsense means that it’ll be harder for him to push his real personality onto the other housemates and the viewers and, since he’s a politician, there’s every chance that his real personality is a little bit knobbish. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jade, Jeremy and Victor. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

As it happens, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates up for nomination this week are beauty queen Jade, racing driver Jeremy and Victor, the funny-accented man who spins around on rollerskates for a living. We’ll be bringing you the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for the nominated housemates later in the week, but not now. Now we’ve got unfinished business to, um, finish.

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win for Jeremy, Latoya and Emilia, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy - As history has proved, people called Jeremy tend to be arseholes, people who do stuff with cars for a living tend to be arseholes and when the two are combined you get a sort of all-powerful arsehole who can fire arrogance-powered lasers out of his eyes. And that’s the case with Big Brother Celebrity Hijack’s racing driver Jeremy. But Jeremy is a very special kind of Big Brother arsehole – the sort of arsehole who makes out that doing anything, possibly even breathing, is a terribly boring inconvenience for him. As such, Jeremy has done absolutely nothing of interest in the Big Brother house so far. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Latoya – Remember Latoya? She’s the professional dancer who keeps talking about dancing non-stop and has danced for giant popstars like Mariah Carey and is so gifted at dancing that she’s allowed on Big Brother Celebrity Hijack with other immensely talented luminaries like Amy Who Sometimes Cleans Things. But have you ever seen Latoya dance? All we’ve seen is her do is that bodypop arm-wave thing again and again for everyone. Is that all she can do? Perhaps she’s saving the big stuff for next week – you know, like running on the spot or big fish little fish cardboard box. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Emilia – Emilia was born with the ability to bend over backwards and jut her vagina out like some sort of disgusting hairy letterbox, and this is something we know by seeing Emilia do it non-stop all the time always, accompanied by a constant smug ‘if you think this is good you should see me shagging’ smirk. And Emilia’s ‘talent’ has had different effects on the other Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates – in short, the boys all openly drool over her and Jade tries so hard to copy her that there’s a real chance that she’ll strangle herself with her ankles by the time the show is over. So no bad thing there, then. Current Big brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 8/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Anthony, Nathan and John. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.