Why? Because he’s not going to jail. Not that Josh Brolin was ever going to go to jail in the first place or anything, but it might have been a possibility after he was arrested and charged with interfering with a police officer during a barroom brawl in Louisiana last summer.

But now prosecutors have dropped the charges against Josh Brolin, so this entire story is basically pointless. Josh Brolin didn’t do something and he won’t be punished for it. Hooray.

Josh Brolin and Vinnie Jones have got a lot in common. It might not seem it – one’s a critically-lauded actor who many claim is among the finest of his generation and the other one’s only allowed in films if he promises to shut up and punch as much stuff as he can in them – but they are.

They’re both enjoying second flushes of fame, for a start – Josh Brolin was originally a child star and Vinnie Jones used to kick footballers for a living – and they both seem pretty handy and allegedly being involved in bar fights and then getting away without charge.

Vinnie Jones, you’ll remember, was arrested last month after allegedly charging at a bloke and hitting him in the face with a glass before getting off without charge, and now Josh Brolin seems to be enjoying a similar – if less terrifyingly berserk-sounding – fate.

Back in the summer Josh Brolin, his W castmate Jeffrey Wright and five members of the movie’s crew were arrested in a Louisiana bar after allegedly being involved in some sort of fracas. During the chaos both Brolin and Wright apparently had pepper spray squirted into their eyes, with Wright also ending up on the wrong side of a police taser.

Now, however, prosecutors have decided to drop the charges against Josh Brolin, Jeffrey Wright and the crewmembers within 60 days, meaning that everyone’s in the clear and Wright gets to release a statement about it all. People reports:

“These arrests should never have happened. Thankfully the prosecution was able to see that and dismiss all charges. Unfortunately, there are no winners here, but I remain hopeful that Shreveport officials will be encouraged to dig at the root causes of certain police incidents down there. An old-fashioned refusal of service led to our arrest that night, and there’s no room for that in America in 2009.”

Looks like this is a happy ending all round, then – not only have Josh Brolin’s charges been dropped but all this publicity has probably made W a lot more money, too. Maybe getting tasered in the street by overzealous policemen is an effective new way to market your movie – if so, someone should probably pass the memo to Tom Cruise. But, you know, give us time to get through police school first.

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Just ask Sam Ronson. Reports are emerging suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up after a series of arguments and frenzied punch-attacks on New Year’s Day.

Whether Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have split up remains to be seen, but we hope so. That’d mean that Lindsay Lohan has now exhausted her supply of both men and women, and we’d be keen to see who she tries to have sex with next. Our guess? A bookish owl.

Well, Lindsay Lohan’s year of sex didn’t turn out to be much cop, did it? Looking back, Lindsay Lohan’s year of glumly traipsing around with a lesbian who looks like a ska-themed knitting needle seems more appropriate. Or Lindsay Lohan’s year of humiliating unemployment. Either one’s fine.

But at least Lindsay looks ready to make amends. Which is why, in the early hours of 2009, Lindsay Lohan appeared to open the book of Lindsay Lohan’s year of drastically violent heartbroken punching. It might not scan particularly well but, if the reports of Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson having a relationship-ending fistfight in a hotel on New Year’s Day are true, at least it’s accurate. Yahoo reports:

An onlooker said: “The screams and crashing from their room were heard all over the hotel. They spilled out into the hallway at 11am on New Years day, kicking and punching each other. People were watching. They were going for it – it was scary. Lindsay seemed unstable. At one point she dropped to her knees and cried, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ Sam just said, ‘I don’t know you.’”

Now, although there might be witnesses to this fight, we should probably take the split thing with a pinch of salt. After all, Sam Ronson has spent months in the company of Lindsay Lohan, so angrily punching her in the face now and then is probably just a perfectly natural by-product of that.

What interests us far more is what happens next. The sharper-minded readers among you will remember a startlingly similar story from a couple of years ago, when Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best had an identical fight in the lobby of a hotel. If the pattern continues to hold, we can confidently predict that one of two things will happen in the next couple of weeks.

1) Heartbroken by her split, Sam Ronson decides to leak photos of what appear to be Lindsay Lohan slathering her dirty mouth all over her genitals across the internet.

2) Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon in spectacular style, takes all the drugs in the world, gets arrested several times for her basic inability to drive a car, spends 18 months in 27 different rehab facilities then comes out and shacks up with a eunuch even though neither of them look like they even slightly enjoy it.

Either way, it looks like we’ll be getting the fun Lindsay Lohan back. Hooray for romantic failure!

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But now that he’s had 48 stitches in his face, that’s all over. Now we’ll never have the pleasure of watching Vinnie Jones starring in would-be classics like Gimme A Room Wiv A Fackin View, ‘Owerd’s Bleedin’ Bellend and Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures? I’ll Give You A Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures Yer Filfy Nonce.

Anyway, nobody’s been charged for Vinnie Jones’ brawl. We could have said that to begin with, really.

One of the most disappointing things about meeting your heroes is that they’re never how you expect them to be. Comedians aren’t funny, TV presenters aren’t always friendly and actors are hardly ever charismatic without a script. But not all celebrities will let you down like that.

For instance, when Joe Pesci responded to a fan’s request for an autograph by allegedly attacking him – that fan must have been so happy, like he was an extra in Casino or something. And when Vinnie Jones last week allegedly reacted to similar fan recognition by starting the mother of all bar brawls, there must have been the same thrill – only on a much smaller scale, obviously, because Joe Pesci is a famous moviestar and Vinnie Jones is a bloke with a tree stump for a head.

But Vinnie Jones’ willingness to do what everyone wants and plough into people like a fleshy threshing machine as soon as they even so much as looks at him comes at a heavy price. During last Thursday’s scuffle, Jesse Bickett – the man who claims the fight was started when he recognised Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut from X-Men 3 – allegedly smashed a beer glass into Jones’ face, causing enough damage to require 48 stitches.

Still, although both Vinnie Jones and Jesse Bickett both spent a brief amount of time behind bars following the punch-up, it looks like they’ve both gotten away with it. Vinnie Jones was never charged and now, as TMZ reports, the charges have been dropped against Bickett as well:

Prosecutors have dismissed three counts of aggravated assault against 24-year-old Jesse Bickett, after he turned the actor’s face into a mangled mess of blood and glass last week. Minnehaha County State’s attorney Dave Nelson said, “After we had an opportunity to review all the evidence, we thought that the incident with which Mr. Bickett was charged was a result of a mutual combat situation.”

As for the rest of us, it looks like we’ll never get to know exactly what happened last Thursday night. Both Vinnie Jones and Jesse Bickett blame each other for starting the fight, and that’s not likely to change any time soon.

But, if the X-Men story is true, it just goes to show the level of bad feeling that Vinnie Jones has for X-Men 3. Let’s hope the feeling isn’t mutual  for everyone who starred in the movie because, let’s face it, nobody wants to be karate-kicked in the face by an angry Kelsey Grammer because he accidentally got called Beast, do they?

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Seriously, don’t. There’s so much more to Vinnie Jones than being in an X-Men film, like being the mute thug in that John Travolta thriller from seven years ago, or being the ninth male lead in Eurotrip. Honestly, the man is an artist.

So don’t tell Vinnie Jones that you recognise him from X-Men because, if you do, he’ll beat you up until he gets arrested. Which seems to be more or less exactly what happened in South Dakota last week.

Vinnie Jones is something of a national treasure. He just seems to symbolise the British psyche better than anyone else on Earth. Maybe it’s because of his grit and no-nonsense attitude, maybe it’s because he looks like he’s been genetically designed to participate in shitfaced 3am bottlefights outside pikey nightclubs or maybe it’s because he disappeared to America at the first sniff of money but, either way, Vinnie Jones is British through and through.

And just to prove how British he is, Vinnie Jones got himself arrested on Thursday night in South Dakota after allegedly getting into a bar brawl because somebody looked at him funny. Our hearts are literally bursting with pride right now, you have no idea. AP has details:

Police said Jones, 43, got into a scuffle late Thursday at Wiley’s Tavern and suffered cuts on his face from a beer glass. A police sergeant said Jones apparently charged at Jesse Bickett of Montrose, who hit Jones with the glass. One of Bickett’s roommates, Juan Barrera, said they were playing pool when Jones asked to join, then got offended when one of them asked if he was “that guy from X-Men.”

Now, to be fair, if this version of events is true it sounds like these idiots had it coming. How dare they recognise Vinnie Jones from the largest-grossing movie of his career! That came out like two years ago – if Bickett or Barrera had any sense, they’d have chosen to recognise Vinnie Jones from one of his more recent movies like The Riddle, The Heavy, The Condemned, Strength & Honour, Tooth & Nail or Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties.

When will these people learn that Vinnie Jones only likes to be recognised as the star of movies with titles that begin with the word ‘The’, or contain two randomly-chosen words with an ampersand in the middle, or are funny cartoons about lazy orange cats? Because, honestly, when it comes to Vinnie Jones, that knowledge is basically gospel.

Anyway, according to reports Vinnie Jones was quite badly injured when he was hit in the face with the glass, with his nose allegedly being cut to the bone. That’s the sort of injury that’ll leave a nasty scar, and it’s bound to have a negative effect on Vinnie’s movie career.

It means that, from now on, Vinnie Jones is only going to be cast as silent, glowering, goonish criminal hooligan henchmen in everything he stars… oh, hang on.

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And it’s true, too. Just the other week, Star Jones was screeching about The View like a fat lunatic and we don’t even know who she is. And now it’s the turn of Rosie O’Donnell to do the same, although helpfully since she acts like a fat lunatic most of the time anyway, it’s easier for her.

Rosie O’Donnell has been involved in a spat with the old Skeletor lady from The View because Rosie O’Donnell says everyone on The View hates each other and Skeletor lady says they don’t. But it’s much more interesting than that because… no, wait. It’s not more interesting than that. That’s literally as interesting as this gets. A fat lady has shouted at an old lady. As you were, everyone.

Next week, some bright spark has decided to let Rosie O’Donnell back on the TV, where she’ll host her very own primetime variety show. It’s Rosie’s big chance to prove that she’s more than the angry red-faced one from The View who looked like she’d come round and shove firecrackers into your dog’s anus if you ever disagreed with her about anything.

So the promotion of this new show was always going to need a full-on charm offensive from Rosie. No wailing about the war, no being a lesbian any more than she had to, and definitely no starting fights with anyone. And definitely no mentions of The View.

So naturally Rosie O’Donnell decided to start a fight with everyone on The View. Rosie told reporters:

“[Barbara Walters] wanted everyone to believe and think and act as if [the women on The View] get along and are really good friends and happy and hang out together, and, you know, that’s just not the reality. I’m not saying they loathe each other, but the fact of the matter is there was not a lot of camaraderie off camera.”

But, hey, that’s just Rosie O’Donnell being Rosie O’Donnell. Being forthright and sort of obnoxious is what she does best. And gracefully ignoring problems to the extent where you think she’s either dozed off or died peacefully while nobody was looking is what Barbara Walters does, which is why she didn’t react to Rosie O’Donnell at all. Apart from when she did, by going on The View and saying this:

“There are some people who have done this show and then for years feel they have to dump on it, maybe for publicity, and that not only hurts me, but I resent it. So if the shoe fits, lady—ladies—get on with your lives.”

Notice that Barbara Walters referred to ‘ladies’ there. That’s either because she was talking about Star Jones who recently had a similar outburst about The View, or because Rosie O’Donnell is now so fat she can only be alluded to in the plural. We can’t really be bothered to find out.

Anyway, so that’s it. Rosie O’Donnell said something mean about Barbara Walters, Barbara Walters said something mean back to Rosie O’Donnell and that’s it. Oh, except that Rosie O’Donnell has decided to say something mean back to Barbara Walters in a webcam message on her blog even though nobody really asked her to. E! Online:

O’Donnell posted a video item titled “Lady,” which shows the former talk show host making faces in response to Walters’ remarks. “Whew, I do not know what Star Jones and Debbie Matenopoulos did,” O’Donnell sarcastically adds at the end, name-checking two other examples of View cohosts past. “Whew, lady, she is pissed off.”

And that’s definitely it now. Both women have said their piece and both The View and Rosie O’Donnell’s show have got piles of publicity because of it. True, this Rosie O’Donnell/ Barbara Walters fight will probably result in an attention-strapped Elisabeth Hasselbeck trying to muscle in on the spotlight by setting herself on fire while running around kicking puppies in the sternum within the next few days, but we should probably just deal with that when it happens.

Because if they don’t, there’s quite a big chance that something weird will happen. Something like the events of Monday night, in fact, when – at a preview of his new film The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button – Brad Pitt was grabbed and shoved around by a security guard who mistook him for a photographer.

Although manhandling the star you’ve been hired to protect at his own movie preview in a venue covered with several giant posters of his face might seem like the mother of all etiquette violations, we can’t really blame the security guard here. After all, Brad Pitt had grown a moustache for the preview, and therefore the guard probably thought he was being bumrushed by Private Walker out of Dad’s Army.

Brad Pitt’s security guards are famous for their hands-on approach of protecting their employer. it doesn’t matter where in the world he is, if anyone tries to get too close to Brad Pitt chances are they’ll end up beaten up or choked by a couple of men who look like King Kong with alopecia.

That’s OK, though, because – with the exception of a couple of unfortunate Indians – most of the people on the receiving end of a beating from Brad Pitt’s guards have been paparazzi or reporters and, as we all know, those people are literally worse than murderers.

But when Brad Pitt’s guards start beating up Brad Pitt? In front of the paparazzi? Yeah, that’s not so clever. So it’s a shame that that’s exactly what happened at a screening of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button in Los Angeles on Monday night.

According to reports, Brad Pitt was grabbed, pushed and spun around by a security guard in plain clothes as he tried to enter his own screening. But it’s sort of OK, because Brad Pitt has managed to blame the paparazzi for it, which is good because they’re all literally made of slime and hate humanity. Brad told People:

“Though they were exceptionally more aggressive than usual,” Pitt describes the paparazzi to PEOPLE, “breaking through a security barrier and into a private holding area, ultimately [it was] just another day in the life…”

It hasn’t been a good week for Brad Pitt all in all. First his ex-wife decides to start ragging on his new girlfriend in public and now this? It’s almost as if there’s a conspiracy out against him at the moment.

Of course, there isn’t. The guard just thought he was doing his job by grabbing Brad Pitt, and that’s all there is to it. Unless the bodyguards of the world have all decided to rise up and revolt against their masters Terminator-style, that is. Which, you know, they should.

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However, there’s just one little thing that could derail the entire show, and that’s that the X Factor judges are being great big babies. According to reports, X Factor judges Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole are all fighting because some of them don’t want to sit next to other judges and one of them has a slightly bigger dressing room than the rest.

What’s more, Cheryl Cole doesn’t like Louis Walsh because he’s got BO, and Louis Walsh doesn’t like Dannii Minogue because she keeps her lunch inside an ice cream tub instead of a real lunchbox like he does, and Dannii Minogue heard Carly Robinson from 7F tell her best friend’s cousin that Cheryl Cole had nits and was a lesbian IDST.

We’ll admit that we haven’t really been paying attention to X Factor this year. That’s mainly because, whenever we’ve tried to watch it, someone has been crying. If the contestants aren’t crying because they’re happy or because they’re sad or because their dead rabbit’s last wish was for them to enter X Factor and it’ll never get to see them succeed, then Cheryl Cole’s crying because, like, getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to tell a bad singer that they’re bad at singing is the most difficult thing she’s ever had to do.

And if neither of those are happening, then chances are we’re crying because X Factor is shit and it makes us want to kill ourselves.

Tomorrow sees the start of the X Factor live finals – the culmination of months of hard work after which one lucky contender, if they believe in themselves and strive to be the best they can be, might wind up a tenth as famous as Chico.

However, it’s been reported that tensions between the X Factor judges might threaten to tear the entire show apart, and it’s all down to who sits next to who and who and who gets the biggest dressing room. Apparently, the biggest faultlines lay between the following:

Louis Walsh – An X Factor stalwart, Louis Walsh has been on the show since the beginning, apart from the time when he decided to spuriously resign for a week and the other time when Simon Cowell fired him for about 30 minutes. Louis Walsh doesn’t like fellow X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, because he’s loyal to previous X Factor judge Sharon Osbourne – who Dannii didn’t get on with – even though it was Sharon Osbourne who once threw a glass of water over Louis on a live TV show.

Dannii Minogue - Unfamous sister of Kylie Minogue, Dannii Minogue joined X Factor last year and didn’t get on with Sharon Osbourne because Sharon went on TV with clingfilm wrapped around her head and Dannii thought she was mocking her heavily botoxed face. After the rift caused Sharon to leave X Factor, Dannii Minogue decided she also didn’t like her replacement Cheryl Cole, because Cheryl Cole is young and pretty and sexy and Dannii Minogue was supposed to be the young, pretty sexy one on X Factor even though she’s almost 40 and has a face like a brass doorhandle. Dannii also doesn’t get on with Louis Walsh because, oh, who cares.

Cheryl Cole – Nobody likes Cheryl Cole because she cries all the bastard time.

Got all that? Good. Now here’s The Mirror to explain their new scrap:

Dannii Minogue insists she should sit apart from Louis Walsh – and the feeling is mutual. But all-powerful Simon, 49, likes to sit next to this year’s new girl Cheryl Cole, 25. A source explained: “Dannii is fuming she is placed next to Louis. The pair are well known for their disagreements and both are not keen on having to sit next to each until Christmas. Simon wants Cheryl beside him – but she wants to sit beside Louis!”

What’s more, there’s one dressing room in the X Factor studios that’s slightly bigger than the others, and Louis, Dannii and Cheryl all apparently want it. And we’re promised that these arguments are real, and really could put the future of X Factor in jeopardy. You know, just like how they’re real every year and aren’t just a way of getting people to stop watching Strictly Come Dancing.

Still, whatever stops people from remember they’re going to have to spend the next three months of their lives watching endless piss-weak Whitney Houston karaoke, eh?

Not if you’re a surfer. Surfers see Matthew McConaughey as their hero, their dim mahogany idol. And if you mess with Matthew McConaughey you mess with the entire surfer community, as a group of paparazzi found out in June when the surfers rounded on them for taking pictures of McConaughey and shoved them around a bit.

Now two surfers have been charged for the McConaughey paparazzi flare-up. But that’s not important. What’s important are the names of the people involved in the scuffle, because they’re so stupid it’s impossible not to find the whole thing hilarious. Spoiler alert – one of them’s called Skylar.

There’s been a long history of tribal conflicts on beaches – Vikings Vs Saxons, Mods Vs Rockers, Nazis Vs Non-Nazis, whoever it was in the last scene of The Warriors – but none have been quite as upsetting as the Surfers Vs Paparazzi Malibu beach clash of June 2008.

It was an epic battle the likes of which Malibu residents haven’t seen since someone gave Mel Gibson a bottle of tequila and a photo of Woody Allen two years ago. It was the sort of day that witnesses will one eventually tell their children about – the day that some photographers strolled onto a beach and started talking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, and only stopped when some surfers sort of started effetely pushing them around and whooping and whatnot.

Worst of all were the harrowing, primal exchanges between the surfers and the paparazzi, which will chill our very souls until the day we die. Exchanges like:

Surfer: “Get a job!”

Paparazzo: “This is a job, what do you do?”

Surfer: “I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!”

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that two surfers have been charged with this incident, getting hit with one misdemenour count of battery each. One of the surfers is called Philip John Hildebrand, which is fine, but the other one is called Skylar Martin Peak. Skylar, for christ’s sake. No wonder he’s so angry.

And don’t think we’re letting the paparazzi off either. The photographer who Skylar and Skylar’s friend attacked was called Richid Altmbareckouhammou, which is less of a name and more of the noise you make when you’re tickling an adorable puppy’s tum-tum. Reuters reports:

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

We’re sure Skylar and Skylar’s friend feel pretty crap about the possibility of spending six months in jail. Worse still – it’s six months in jail for protecting Matthew McConaughey.

Seriously, if Skylar and Skylar’s friend do get sent down for this, they may as well just wear T-shirts reading ‘Please Bum me To Smithereens’ to save them the effort of explaining what they’re in for to their cellmates.

But the thing that Lily Allen and Elton John share more than anything else is a love of a public scrap. Watch Lily or Elton for long enough and you’ll either see a) an extraordinary temper tantrum or b) nothing at all because Lily Allen’s punched your eyes off.

So it made perfect sense that, at last night’s GQ awards, the hosts were Lily Allen and Elton John. And things were going just peachy, at least until Lily Allen got hammered on free champagne and started effing and jeffing at Elton John, who then appeared to boast about how brilliant he was at drugs. Honestly, those two are just like Richard and Judy, only gayer and with one more nipple than you’d expect.

It goes without saying that no man should ever try and list all the things that Lily Allen and Elton John dislike. This is because they’d end up so depressed that they’d probably murder themselves, and also because there isn’t a single thing in the known universe that either Lily Allen or Elton John actually like.

For instance, Elton John hates religion and Lily Allen hates Lindsay Lohan. Elton John hates scruffiness and Lily Allen hates Cheryl Cole. Elton John hates the internet and Lily Allen hates not punching people in the face. We could go on, but there literally isn’t enough space on the internet to do that.

So, knowing how crotchety and temperamental they are, hiring Lily Allen and Elton John to host last night’s GQ awards seems like an act of pure foolhardiness. Or a transparent publicity stunt to try and get people to care about the GQ awards. One or the other.

And guess what – halfway through the ceremony Lily Allen and Elton John started getting mouthy with each other, until a bear came along and started shitting in the woods and everyone got surprised. Here’s The Sun’s take of the exchange:

Lily: “And now to the most important part of the night,”

Elton: “What? Are you going to have another drink?”

Lily: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!”

Elton: “I could still snort you under the table.”

Lily: “Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Come on, that’s hardly an argument – that’s simply a case of simmering sexual tension and nothing more. Lily Allen and Elton John want each other, plain and simple. You can see it in their eyes. It’s electric.

Although maybe we shouldn’t tell Elton John that Lily Allen isn’t actually a bloke yet. It’d only break his poor heart.

Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about – she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.

Lindsay Lohan’s parents couldn’t be more different. First there’s her mother Dina Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan likes. Dina routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her on a reality TV show that she’s paid to appear in. She also loves those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan.

And then there’s her father Michael Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan doesn’t like. Michael routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her to reporters for free. He also hates those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan. See? There’s a gigantic difference. Michael Lohan is a bastard.

No, really, he is. We read it on the internet.

Specifically, we read it on Lindsay Lohan’s blog. You see, Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have a tricky history. Thanks to his imprisonment and other interests, Michael wasn’t around during much of Lindsay’s upbringing, something that resulted in Lindsay Lohan writing a song called something like but not specifically Cuh, My Dad’s A Right Old Shitclaw.

And, although Lindsay and Michael patched it up briefly last year, they’ve gone and had another barney. It all started when Michael Lohan expressed his doubts about Lindsay’s possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson, who might be writing a book about their relationship. He said:

“I’ve shut up about this long enough. She’s using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at wit’s end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.”

And that’s resulted in Lindsay Lohan jumping onto her MySpace blog to return the volley of abuse. We definitely know that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for this, because it barely makes any sense:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face… he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is)… His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME.

Although fantastically entertaining, this fall-out between Lindsay Lohan and her father is also tinged with a kind of deep sadness, because it looks unlikely that this exchange has reopened wounds that probably won’t ever heal.

That’s not because Michael Lohan has repeatedly abused Lindsay Lohan’s trust, or because his childhood abandonment of Lindsay is probably responsible for all the chronic attention-seeking behaviour that ultimately landed her in rehab.

No, the real reason there’ll never be closure here is because Lindsay Lohan wants Michael to say things to her face, and there’s quite a good chance that the only way that could ever happen is if he hides up inside Samantha Ronson’s vagina.

Sorry.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

Gordon Ramsay is known for a handful of things. Firstly he’s single-handedly changed the way that British cooking is seen around the world. Secondly he’s got a bit of a dirty mouth and a freakishly monomaniacal fixation on his own droopy manboobs.

Thirdly, Gordon Ramsay hates vegetarians. He hates vegetarians so much that on the last series of The F Word he spent an entire season rearing two veal calves – the cruelest meat of them all, remember – only to shove slices of their dead bodies into the terrified mouths of 50 vegetarians on the final episode to prove his superiority over them, presumably because nobody would let him swagger around slapping everyone in the chops with his willy instead.

How much does Gordon Ramsay hate vegetarians? Let’s put it in Gordon Ramsay’s own words:

“My biggest nightmare would be if the kids ever came up to me and said “Dad, I’m a vegetarian”. Then I would sit them on the fence and electrocute them.”

And this hatred of the poor protein-strapped vegetarians has struck a nerve with Paul McCartney. He’s been a staunch vegetarian for 30 years because he once saw a fish that looked a bit sad or something. And when he hears Gordon Ramsay trash-talk his feeble brethren like that, there’s only one thing he can do about it.

And that’s trash-talk back. In Sainsbury’s Magazine. At a time that coincidentally happens to be right before he relaunches the Linda McCartney range of vegetarian sausages. The man clearly means business. Here’s what Paul McCartney said:

“I think it’s a case of live and let live. I will talk to people about the advantages of vegetarianism, and it will upset me if we’ve had a good conversation and they turn around and say something stupid. I just read a quote from Gordon Ramsay… ‘If my daughter ever grew up and married a vegetarian, I’d never forgive her.’ But even that I would forgive because it’s not my affair, it’s not up to me if he talks stupid or not.”

Yeah! That’s, um, mildly giving it to him! You’ll politely show Gordon Ramsay that you, um, considered his views in depth before coming to a differing viewpoint! Grrr!

Anyway, this Paul McCartney/ Gordon Ramsay face-off looks set to rage on for ages, or at least until everyone gets a bit bored of it and finds something else to entertain themselves with. So probably a couple of minutes or so, in truthfulness.

Really, though, Gordon Ramsay got off lightly. Paul McCartney isn’t a man you want to cross. At least not when you’re anywhere near the wine glass cupboard, anyway. Allegedly.

Why? Because new Beverly Hills 90210 makes a clean break from the past. It’s banished all the pastel sweaters and pouffy hair of the old Beverly Hills 90210 and brought in a brand new team of youngsters who underline just how completely brand new the brand new Beverly Hills 90210 is. It’s brand new, you know.

So who’s the biggest star of this super-new, bleeding-edge Beverly Hills 90210? Um, Shannen Doherty. Off the old Beverly Hills 90210. But it’s not all cripplingly pointless news, because now she’s famous again, Shannen Doherty gets to put the record straight about a fight she didn’t have with Jennie Garth more than a decade ago. Whew!

There are a few surprising things about the new series of Beverly Hills 90210. Firstly, the studio responsible has only decided to abbreviate its title down to 90210 rather than wrongly pander to its braindead young audience and call it something like Bevvaleee Hilz Nine Oh Too Won Piss.

Secondly, Shannen Doherty is back in it. Shannen Doherty, for crying out loud. Since leaving the original show in 1994 because everyone agreed that she was a stroppy little princess who crew and co-stars to peel her boiled eggs for her (or something), Shannen Doherty has been filling her wilderness years with one Kevin Smith film, about 30 seconds of Charmed, a car crash and the worst-sounding TV show in history.

But now Shannen Doherty is back, and she’s got a few scores to settle. Like, for instance, remember that time that Shannen Doherty and her Beverly Hills 90210 co-star Jennie Garth had a real-life fist-fight? No?

Actually us neither – we only have a finite amount of brainspace and we’d rather use it to remember what our relatives look like than to store information about violent incidents between two people from a 15-year-old TV show that we never even liked in the first place – but that’s not going to stop Shannen Doherty from banging on about it, is it?

No. You see, Shannen Doherty has decided to finally come forward and proclaim that the fist-fight between her and Jennie Garth never even happened. Shannen told Us Weekly:

“We never did,” Doherty, 37, tells Us. “I think I would remember Jennie’s fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face. It just goes to show you how people will lie.”

Great stuff. Breath a sigh of relief, everyone. Oh, you already are. What’s that? You’re not breathing a sigh of relief? That’s actually a sigh of disappointment and barely-concealed anger at Shannen Doherty, Us Weekly and hecklerspray for wasting your time with a story about something that didn’t even happen, even though if it did actually happen it wouldn’t have altered a single molecule of your life anyway?

Whoops.

Thousands of women are killed every year from the latter offense. These battles are often epic, lasting for days on end  – victory only being claimed when one contender drops to the ground dead, possibly with large chunks of hair missing, and Lee Press-Ons lodged in different parts of their face & shoulders.

So it was, recently, in some island airport when two sub-D-list female celebrities crossed paths. In one corner it was Nikki Blonsky, the lead from the movie Hairspray. In the other corner it was Bianca Golden, an America’s Next Top Model cast-off. They actually fought – physically. Hate raged as their blood and spit intertwined mid-air, possibly pushed to and fro by a mediocre ventilation system. Also hate raged as the Top Model girl had her foot bitten by a human being. Hate also raged as somebody’s father beat somebody else’s mother to the point of hospitalization.

That’s all that hate raged though. We wouldn’t want to exagerate – and we haven’t.

Yet.

Picture it if you will – you were a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, you’re in an island-vacation airport somewhere, and you just want to sit down. You see a seat available, but the hefty lead from the Hairspray movie has her suitcase on it. What do you do?

You fight, apparently. And that’s just what happened. According to Monsters & Critics:

“Nikki Blonsky from the recent film, “Hairspray” and her father were arrested at Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos. They were reportedly involved in a fight with Bianca Golden from America’s Next Top Model. UsWeekly.com reports that the Blonsky family had their luggage on the seat and refused to move it. The fight allegedly also started because Nikki’s family was also saving five seats and Bianca’s family wanted them. TMZ reported that one of Bianca’s family members bit Nikki’s foot.”

Bit a foot? Well you don’t get that big from abstaining, you know what we mean, gang? The fight involved far more than the two women who are questionably famous. Their parents got way into it too – to the point where Nikki’s dad gave Bianca’s mom enough injuries to send her to a Miami hospital. He’s still in jail, incidentally.

This reminds us greatly of hecklerspray’s last family vacation wherein our dad got head-konked by a coconut, lost consciousness for two minutes, then swam up a whale’s lady-parts to help it give birth. We took baby whale home but the 65 mph winds it experienced while strapped to our roof rack for the ten hour drive dried it up dead.

Our one sister still brings it up at least monthly. Possibly because for the last three hours she was strapped up there with it.

Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we’ve decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who’ve been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s property in France.

What exactly happened is a mystery – the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery – but it’s clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina’s property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie’s stupid twins didn’t keep getting in the bloody way.

You’d have thought that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would understand by now, surely. Understand that they should never leave America again, obviously. We’re being serious.

Look at it this way – in America Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get hounded by the paparazzi, but never for very long. Give the paparazzi a few days and they’ll get bored and go take pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s knickers or something. That’s how it works.

But when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie go anywhere else, the paparazzi onslaught is furious and relentless. When they were in Namibia, for instance, Brad and Angelina had paparazzi arrested all the time, not realising that people were so only keen to take their picture because it meant not having to trail second-rate silimba players around for a living.

Then there was India, where the paparazzi was so desperate to snap Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie that one member of the press was apparently choked by their security, a boy was knocked off a bike and there was an almighty battle at a school.

But now Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in France, and that’s bound to be different, right? After all, the French national sense of detached ennui would prevent them from getting their knickers in a twist over a couple of vulgar American moviestars, right?

Nope – just one day after Brad Pitt warned the media not to publish any photos of his babies that were secretly taken by the paparazzi, there’s been a bit of a scuffle between Brad and Angelina’s guards and some camouflaged photographers they supposedly in the grounds of their chateau.

According to reports, two members of the paparazzi were caught in an altercation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s security guards last night, while presumably trying to take photos of the couple with their newborn twins.

It all sounds so crass, doesn’t it? A bunch of typically heavyhanded gorillas getting in a scrap with some people so desperate for cash that they’d dress up as extras from Predator to take a picture of a couple of babies that, we’re guessing, just look like sodding babies anyway? Urgh.

Luckily French police spokeswoman and brand new hecklerspray hero Capt. Olivia Poupot has more than enough bored disdain to go around. After taking the paparazzi and the guards for questioning, Poupot said:

“I won’t hide for you that this kind of thing is really not the type of problem that interests us. There are, in my opinion, far more important things than paparazzi taking photos of a glamor couple.”

Genius. We want Olivia Poupot to be the French police spokeswoman of our heart.

But still, at least this means Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can add France to their list of countries they can’t go to without kicking off some sort of violent dispute with the press. They’re running out of options, aren’t they?

There’s always Luxembourg, we suppose. And we can guarantee that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will definitely move there, just as soon as our ‘Hey beleagured moviestars! Have you seen how many malnourished brown orphans live in Luxembourg?’ tourism campaign gets some funding.

Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.

Yes, everyone’s favourite rock… star? Well, whatever he is, young Robert J Ritchie has been found guilty on one charge of battery by those that make these kind of decisions. ‘Courts’, apparently. Pamela Anderson’s ex-hubby has been sentenced to 12 months probation, 80 hours community service, six hours of anger management classes and presumably has been banned from eating waffles, as they seem to make him go crazy. Kid was also handed a whopping $1,000 (about £500, as fans of stronger currencies are sure to know) fine to make his misery complete, and this final blow is sure to cripple the 37-year-old financially, leaving him destitute and alone.

Maybe.

Regardless, nothing can take away from the fact that Kid Rock was charged, after pleading a no contest, with the crime of battery. In an eatery that specialises in batter-based consumables. Hecklerspray is sure that the irony was not only intentional, but also a subtle viral marketing technique to get word of Rock’s new album out to the masses, as well as secretly encouraging us all to go out and eat some fried batter. Those marketing whores – we see through you. We know all.

The incident occurred last October and involved members of Rock’s crew, two of whom received similar charges to Captain Kid, who had originally pleaded not guilty. Though his crew probably didn’t get handed the incredible six hours of anger management, which is sure to have absolutely no effect whatsoever. Because it’s six hours of anger management. At least it isn’t six hours of the film Anger Management, as that would likely have completely the opposite effect to that originally intended.

The one-time American bad ass, whatever that may imply, has been on the receiving end of some rare positive press in recent months, with the success and popularity of his new album both surprising and confusing the opinion-makers out there. We at hecklerspray are not confused, however, as it is clear to see that directly ripping off ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ in the most brazen way possible, not trying to hide it, going so far as to sampling the original in said rip off, then having a bit of a ruckus in a Waffle House is the way to a million-selling record.

Right, where’s that copy of Dance e-Jay? The hecklerspray version of ‘Freebird’ needs to be made. Though we don’t seem to have any Waffle Houses nearby… will a fracas in a Dixie Chicken work as well, or does it have to be battery in a batter-based business? Damn.