Instead of years of artistic exploration, they just decided to release their best album first and continue to bill new releases as “the best thing since sliced Definitely Maybe”. Only to disappoint every time.

Last year Oasis released their seventh studio album Dig Out Your Soul. To be fair, it did have its moments but nothing that pushed the creative boundaries. This obviously proved to push one man to dig out his anger by attacking Noel Gallagher when Oasis performed in Canada.

Because everyone in the world spends more time recording grainy footage on their phones than paying attention to gigs they pay over the odds for, the comedy attack on Noel Gallagher was captured on video. During a performance of Morning Glory, 47-year-old Daniel Sullivan crept onstage and gave the main force behind Oasis a good pasting.

Unless the attacker was extremely powerful, or Noel Gallagher doesn’t consume enough dairy products in his rock n roll lifestyle to produce strong and healthy bones, Noel fell to the floor and broke several ribs. But not enough for a local Chinese restaurant to extract them and create a special one-off Oasis spare rib dish with Mancunian sauce.

Because the incident was captured on video for the world to gawp at, the charge assault was brought against Sullivan. The video – which makes him an internet celebrity alongside Star Wars kid, the strange Leave Britney Alone guy and the fat man who dances to Romanian pop songs – sadly did nothing to stop the authorities bring extra charges against him.

This extra charge? Aggravated assault! We know, we aren’t completely sure either, but the NME confirms the grim news. Surely the charges should be dropped as he did the public a great service by twatting a loud-mouth bloke from Manchester who complains about everything. No?

Maybe the chords weren’t right when Don’t Look Back In Anger was played? Or perhaps Sullivan was sick of hearing about a band whose career wouldn’t have developed if it wasn’t for high profile spats with Blur, threatening to split up every other year, getting pissed at every opportunity, randomly having a go at other supposed famous people and sacking band members every four and a half minutes?

We don’t know, but when court day comes, we’re going to stand outside the courthouse with banners and party food to hopefully celebrate the judge’s decision to not bang him up for 14 years. At the moment that is the sentence hanging over his head. All because Noel Gallagher couldn’t live up to his hardman image.

Like Michael Jackson’s kiddie touching case, we’ll release an army of doves if Daniel Sullivan is found innocent.

Though with a credit crunch we may have to do with AIDS-ridden seagulls instead. Just don’t tell anyone. OK?

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Oh, alright, alleged lunatics. Just a couple of weeks after Sharon Osbourne apparently attacked a bikini model after hearing a slur about Ozzy, Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist who insinuated that her boyfriend didn’t know what an earthquake was.

If you ask us, Jack Osbourne must be feeling left out. Maybe if we make up a good enough lie we’ll be able to goad him into punching a nun unconscious or something.

Kelly Osbourne has always been the member of the Osbourne family who we’d least like to get into a fight with. Ozzy, obviously, would be a pushover. Sharon’s main line of attack is traditionally the liquid fling, which we’d be able to counter with the aid of, say, an umbrella or a cagoule or whatever. Jack Osbourne has climbed mountains with Craig David without ever pushing him off, so we doubt we could even make him angry enough to initiate us in a fight anyway.

But Kelly Osbourne? Different story. Kelly Osbourne not only has the heft to make mincemeat of us, but she also looks the kind of girl who’d cry immediately afterwards, and there’s nothing worse than a mixed message when it comes to hypothetical intergender fistfights.

So that’s why we feel sorry for Zoe Griffin from The Mirror, because she apparently found herself on the wrong end of a Kelly Osbourne fury attack last year. According to reports, Kelly took offence at a column claiming that her fiance Luke Worrall didn’t know what an earthquake was and slapped Griffin across the face. We’re not making this up, although to be honest we sort of wish we were.

Anyway, as MTV reports, the police have finally got around to arresting Kelly Osbourne for assault:

Although authorities wouldn’t disclose her name, they released a statement about the incident. “I can confirm that a 24-year-old woman attended a central London police station by appointment at 3 p.m. on January 2 … She was arrested for common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of 29th August 2008. She was bailed to attend a central London police station on a date in March.”

Why did it take so long to arrest Kelly Osbourne for this incident? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect that officers wanted to make sure that it really was Kelly Osbourne who slapped Zoe Griffin and not someone who just looked a bit like her, like Matt Lucas or a sad Moomin or something.

Anyway, we’re hoping that this mess gets sorted out quickly without anyone resorting to locking Kelly Osbourne up. We hear she can start fires in her sleep, you know.

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Not completely – the day that photos of Suge Knight rolling around in his knickers are leaked to the internet is the day we cut out our eyes and, to our knowledge, Miley Cyrus has never driven around in a car allegedly punching a woman in the head – but in terms of ubiquity, the comparison just about holds up. Just about.

In fact, it’s this whole ‘allegedly punching women in the head while driving a car’ thing that’s brought Suge Knight to our attention again this time. Because now Suge Knight has been charged for the last time he supposedly beat up a women in a car. And since this time the charges also include a spot of beating up a woman in a car park with a knife in his hand, Suge Knight faces eight and a half years in jail. Oh well.

You know what makes our blood boil? People who walk around with small amounts of two different types of drugs in their pockets. Any bastard who does that should be immediately sent to jail for the best part of a decade. And as for people who think they can violently beat up women in broad daylight in a car park with a knife in their hand, well, that’s probably about 16 times less important than the drugs thing.

That’s not just our opinion, by the way – that’s the opinion of the American justice system as well. For instance, a few months ago increasingly desperate-looking rap mogul Suge Knight got arrested after he was apparently spotted driving through Las Vegas while punching a woman repeatedly in the head. When the woman escaped from the car, Suge Knight then continued beating her up while holding a knife.

And now Suge Knight has been charged. Mostly because it’s claimed he had small quantities of ecstasy and hydrocodone on him while he was allegedly thumping the life out of this woman. That part was cool because, you know, she probably deserved it. BBC News reports:

[Suge Knight] has been charged with two counts of drug possession and one of misdemeanour battery, according to papers filed in Las Vegas Justice Court. When arrested in August, police said Knight, 43, was found “violently beating” Melissa Isaac in a Las Vegas parking lot while holding a knife. If convicted, Knight could face up to four years in jail for each of the drugs charges, as well as six months for the assault charge.

So, in total, that’s an eight and a half year jail sentence he’s looking at. In retrospect, Suge Knight must be wishing that he’d punched four women in the head at knifepoint until they were hospitalised with no drugs in his pockets, because that way he’d have reduced his potential sentence by more than 75%. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it.

However, lawyers for Suge Knight have claimed that Knight is not guilty of any of the charges, and they plan to fight them when the case goes to court next month. Personally we’re hoping that Suge Knight gets off without charge, because it’s going to be awfully hard for him to sue Kanye West from behind bars. Because in many ways, a prison sentence is nothing compared to the suffering that Suge Knight went through when he lost that earring at Kanye West’s party.

OK, not in many ways. In one way.

OK, not even in one way.

Did Kanye sip his lemonade without any problems whilst sitting in the corner of the VIP area? Don’t be daft, something went tits up of course.

It seems that Kanye West has a recurring problems with people who like to take people’s pictures. Granted they may get in the way and stop you from doing day-to-day activities such as getting some milk and waiting for a plane, but never mind. In the Tup Tup Palace nightclub – a place that doesn’t exactly scream class – a member of the paparazzi elite got to close to Kanye and ended up getting his face busted up. Was it Kanye’s fault? Of course not, and he’s explained why in a (nother) big pissy blog rant.

We all remember Kanye West getting a bit angry and throwing a Hulk-like strop in an airport a few months ago. Sadly he didn’t turn green and grow into an enormous beast, but instead smashed up a camera and then attempted to do the same to someone filming the whole incident. Silly Kanye. In Newcastle the same thing appeared to have happened again where Kanye West + paparazzi = rubbish fight and pointless conflict.

Thrown into the cells for a night to talk to the local heroin addicts, Kanye West emerged with no charge and sadly won’t have to turn up to Newcastle magistrates court for a hearing and a fine of £30. Not letting the incident lie, he of course had a big cry about the event for his minions to read. No doubt they will side with Kanye and spit at all the haters who diss their homeboy.

Choice quotes from his blog include:

“Let us not forget the paps killed Princess Diana. When will there be a law passed that simply enforces that someone has to ask to take a photograph of you? That would seem like common courtesy. Right now the paps are above the law and the people they shoot are below it.”

“I put my hand up to the camera in self-defence! Here’s what happened…when I left the club, I was encountered by a thirsty paparazzi as usual. He felt he had more rights to my space than me, so I put my hand up to prevent him from taking my image.”

“I didn’t assault him but merely putting my hand up to cover his lens. My security yelled, ‘get the camera off him’. I guess in all the commotion the camera scraped his nose.”

Ok – A) If the photographer was thirsty, why didn’t Kanye West offer him a rum and coke or a good old English pint of imported lager? B) Only Elton John can bang on about Princess Diana. It’s the law. C) Of course he didn’t assault any photographers. Kanye said so.

With this incident happening in Newcastle, it will no doubt go down in Geordie folklaw as one of the major things to have happened in the city alongside inventing Newcastle Brown Ale, Stottie bread, getting electricity a few years ago and finally converting from horse and cart to automobile.

The Iron Man star is totally getting sued by a guy that claims to have been on the knuckle end of an encounter with him last winter.

Terrence Howard is getting sued by music composer Andrew “Tex” Allen for five million dollars, which is ironic because that’s the exact amount Howard was gonna get for Iron Man II. Talk about coincidence.

Howard and Allen were both working on a Broadway play called Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which, as we understand it, revolves around a very poor family that makes a fortune selling feline bacon cooked in an ‘out of the box’ sort of way. We don’t have the recipe.

Anyhow – both men worked on the musical. Allen was sitting innocently at the piano playing a song about rainbows and butterflies one day when Howard allegedly stormed in with one fist taped to a wet sponge, and the other to an open packet of delicious Pop Rocks candy.

Then, alternating fists,  Howard began hand-bashing the musician in the head and face. We hear the whole encounter was apparently very sticky and loud.

Then, to finish him off once and for all, Howard gave the most awesome round-house kick anybody has ever seen. Can you believe it?

Our details were exaggerated where necessary. The New York Post’s aren’t though:

“The suit alleges that Howard confronted Allen while he sat at the piano at around 2:30 p.m. during a Jan. 24 rehearsal at the Walter Kerr Theatre and punched him repeatedly in the face and head. The suit does not divulge the reason for the fight.”

Allen, the wounded victim, states his music-playing ability has been ruined forever due to the assault.

All we can say is this – Good thing Howard didn’t already have access to the War Machine suit his former character is rumored to play in Iron Man II.

Imagine if all those face punches were thrown with metal-covered, hydraulic powered fists and backed up with sleek-looking shoulder torpedoes?

Why, had that been the case, Allen’s next musical performance would probably have been for the likes of St. Peter, Joan of Arc, and possibly a resurrected, nicer version of the giant, town-eating monster that got blown up in the end of Cloverfield.

Yes, that’s how Cloverfield ended. Now you have one less reason to see it.

Yeah, now you remember. Anyway, Jack Tweed has just been sentenced to 18 months in prison for doing one of those things. That’s right – Jack Tweed went to prison for wearing an illegal hat. What a disturbing criminal this man is.

Oh, OK, not really. In actual fact, Jack Tweed smashed a 16-year-old boy in the face, head and chest with a golf club, the scamp . It’s terrible news for Jade Goody – first she got cancer and now Jack Tweed’s gone to jail. Still, on the plus side at least nobody’s calling her ‘Pig-faced Big Brother racist Jade Goody’ any more. That has to be worth something, right?

We don’t have any scientific proof for this, but we’re pretty sure that wearing a trilby actually turns you into a monster. Look at Pete Doherty – pre-trilby he was the lovely bloke from The Libertines, then he puts on a trilby and goes to jail. Similarly, Blake Fielder-Civil was compelled to kick a pub landlord’s face in as soon as he put a trilby on. Then there’s the worst offender of all - Patrick Truman from EastEnders, whose trilby made him think sexy thoughts about Pat Butcher. Disgusting.

And now Jade Goody’s ex-boyfriend Jack Tweed has joined the trilby monster club by getting sentenced to 18 months in jail for beating up a boy with a golf club. The Times reports:

Tweed pleaded not guilty and denied any knowledge of the assault at his trial in July, but at today’s sentencing his lawyer said, in mitigation, that his client had lost his temper after being the victim of “sustained abuse” by local youths… Andre de Moller said Tweed had attacked Daniel in order to teach the teenager “a lesson”.

Frankly we didn’t think that Jack Tweed was capable of such violence, but only because it requires the brainpower to necessitate basic motor skills and – from watching his exploits on Celebrity Big Brother last year, where he basically acted like an amoeba with a Zara storecard – we just didn’t think he had it in him.

However, the timing of Jack Tweed’s conviction genuinely could have come at a worse time. Jade Goody’s just been diagnosed with cervical cancer and – if the front covers of every single magazine we’ve looked at for the last fortnight are correct – Jade’s understandably quite distraught about it.

Without Jack around, who’s going to be there for Jade? Her crazy one-armed lesbian mother? Oh please. And that’s all she’s got – well, her and the depressingly large slice of the population who’ll rush out and buy Jade Goody’s inevitable ghostwritten book My Struggle, but that’s it. No wonder Jade calls Jack her rock.

True, that’s mainly because he’s completely inert, devoid of any signs of life and painful when struck into the face of a 16-year-old boy, but you get the picture.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others – what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life?

Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we’re disgusted – doesn’t Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.

One of the downsides to being famous is that your success tends to attract unwanted curiosity – people know that you’re loaded and they want to take a little slice of your cash for themselves.

When this happens the best thing you can do is to retreat into the bosom of your family. But if you’re Christian Bale, and it’s your family that’s doing the begging, well then you’re pretty much effed up the bum.

That’s apparently the reason for Christian Bale’s still-bemusing assault arrest this week. For the newcomers among you, Christian Bale was arrested on Tuesday on suspicion of assaulting his mother and sister right before the London premiere of The Dark Knight. He denies the charges and his family denies calling the police.

Since then, Christian Bale has been bailed and the assault has been described as a strong verbal attack, possibly combined with a mild push. At first the reason for this alleged attack was that Bale’s mother was slagging off his wife, but now The Sun has spoken to a source who claims that Christian Bale got a bit shirty when his sister Sharon asked for £100,000 to help raise her kids:

“Christian is a very wealthy young man and was asked to help his sister out financially. He was asked to loan her £100,000 but he refused and that caused an almighty row. During that row, the women claim, he assaulted them by pushing and shoving them… They are both devastated that it has come to this but want him to be taught a lesson.”

Yeah! Jesus, Christian Bale is such a bastard, isn’t he? He deserves to be taught a lesson – the lesson that you’re supposed to financially bail out any of your relatives who appear to be either greedy or living beyond their means whenever they want just because you’ve starred in a couple of films about a funny-voiced crimefighter in a gimp suit.

Sharon Bale could hardly ask any other members of her family for support, could she? Her mother’s a part-time clown – what kind of financial help could she possibly offer? Those kids need £100,000, not a shipment of abnormally large shoes and a tiny spluttering car that keeps falling apart!

Still, not to worry – even though Christian Bale chose not to help his nieces and nephews out, they’ll still get their cash one way or the other. Probably from all the royalties from their forthcoming memoirs I Wear Rags Because My Uncle Is Stingy And Allegedly A Bit Violent.

Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale allegedly has done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

Christian Bale is a fascinating actor, not just because he can completely transform his body to disappear into a role, but also because he refuses to discuss his personal life in interviews. This, Christian Bale claims, is because it would detract from the mysticism of the craft, but we’re not convinced.

Maybe Christian Bale doesn’t discuss his personal life in interviews because he’s a right old mental loony.

It seems plausible since, just a few days after his new Batman movie The Dark Knight became the biggest-opening movie ever, Christian Bale has been arrested on suspicion of kicking lumps out of his sister and 61-year-old mother. BBC News reports:

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said a 34-year-old man had been arrested in connection with an allegation of assault, and remained in custody. Mr Bale is alleged to have lashed out at his mother and sister in his suite at London’s Dorchester Hotel on Sunday.

We know. It makes no sense whatsoever, does it?

Christian Bale has never really given off any signs of having a barmy side to him, and this week – the week that The Dark Knight became a genuine phenomenon – should have been one of the happiest of Bale’s life.

Having said that, we like to attack members of our family in times of great joy as well – we got three numbers on the lottery a couple of months ago and we were so happy that we took a cricket bat to granny’s shins. Plus every time hecklerspray wins an award we go out and cheerfully drown a nephew in the river. So we can totally see where Christian Bale is coming from. If he did it, of course.

Of course, Christian Bale hasn’t been charged yet, so it’d be wrong to assume that he’s guilty of anything. It could all just be a giant misunderstanding.

Or perhaps Christian Bale just sank so deep into the psyche of one of his characters that he reacted in a way that was completely unlike him. In which case we’re probably right in thinking that the pervading theme of Batman 3 will involve Batman throwing a great big mardy sulk when his mum comes round and tells him that he’s getting a little bit too big for his boots.

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman said yesterday:

“A 24-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of assault after attending a central London police station by appointment.”

The attacks supposedly occurred in the early hours of Wednesday morning – the exact same day she was revealed to be the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’.

It’s a sequence of events that has no doubt got Mary Whitehouse shitting all over herself as she spins violently in her decently decorated, stinking, whingeing grave.

Add to this the fact that, earlier in the week, Amy was nominated for no less than three Ivor Novello Awards, and it all adds up to one of the most successful periods of her young life.

If hecklerspray had a week like that we’d be out on the town immediately, straight down to Camden to sample the plethora of class-A delights available to you on any given corner.

Go for it Amy! You deserve it.

Read More – Amy Cautioned Over Alleged Assault – Sky News

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

We’re starting a genuine campaign right now. We want Naomi Campbell to be the new host of Watchdog. We’re not making this up. We have three main reasons for wanting this: 1) Naomi Campbell is a stone cold consumer champion. 2) If any company CEOs tried to give her the runaround, she’d be straight down their offices ready to punch everything to splinters. 3) It’d make Nicky Campbell slightly less employed, which we’re all for.

But really, Naomi Campbell is an honest to goodness consumer champion. Earlier this month, you see, Naomi Campbell suffered a taste of the hellish luggage problems that customers at Heathrow airport’s newly-opened Terminal Five have been experiencing. And because of that – and only that – Naomi Campbell has decided to boycott British Airways forever.

Speaking about her decision to boycott British Airways while in Brazil, golden consumer idol Naomi Campbell said:

“Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them but this will not occur so early. They didn’t find my bag – said it wasn’t in the system – and there was a complete disrespect for the passengers. You Brazilians went through the same problem last year. The case in Terminal 5 at Heathrow was the same thing and I am not speaking for myself. I am speaking for all those who have been disrespected.”

What a wonderful, wonderful person Naomi Campbell is. She’s boycotting British Airways because it treated the people shoddily, and Naomi Campbell stands up for the people no matter what.

In other completely unrelated news, British Airways is the airline that recently banned Naomi Campbell forever because she attacked a policeman when her luggage went missing.

However, even though she flew into a galactic rage and flobbed up on a copper, Naomi Campbell was merely cautioned for the tantrum. And it seems that British Airways wants to make amends, if Naomi’s stories of pleading phone calls are correct. They are correct aren’t they, The Times?

A BA insider told London’s Evening Standard paper: “We are not aware of any pleading phone calls to Ms Campbell.”

Oh. Well, anyway, good for Naomi Campbell for boycotting British Airways in any case. Someone needs to stand up to these giant faceless corporations, and who better to do so than a alarmingly violent woman who can hardly seem to go more than a couple of days without assaulting someone’s skull off or destroying a boat? Naomi Campbell, we salute you.

By the way, we’re serious about getting Naomi Campbell that Watchdog job. Here’s where you can contact the show to make the case for her employment. Quite frankly we’ve waited too long to see the chairman of British Gas getting his face smashed in by a screaming, froth-mouthed woman holding a telephone.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell boycotts BA in Terminal 5 protest - Times

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire 

Wait, sorry, that's a typo. That last bit should have read 'everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.' Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That's good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we're a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

There's a set of basic rules that you need to follow should you encounter Naomi Campbell. 1) Don't look her in the eye. 2) Similarly, don't look away from her. 3) Never smile at Naomi Campbell because she sees bared teeth as an aggressive threat, much like several wild animals do. 4) Always always for the love of God always do everything that Naomi Campbell asks whatever it is, just don't let her hurt your children.

Oh, and try not to lose Naomi Campbell's luggage. She goes apeshit when that happens. But nobody would be stupid enough to do tha… whatnow? Airport staff at Heathrow's newly-opened Terminal 5 misplaced Naomi Campbell's luggage? Gulp.

Actually, you know what, Naomi Campbell has been legally punished for her violent behaviour before, so we're sure she reacted to this news with grace and mature dignit… huh? She attacked a policeman? Well, yes, we suppose that sounds about right. Sky reports:

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been released on bail pending further inquiries after being questioned by police following her arrest at Heathrow airport on suspicion of assaulting a police officer. Passengers watched as police officers boarded the flight after what witnesses said involved a dispute over luggage. They said the model… was aggressive and abusive to staff and police. A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "At 17.11 we were alerted to a disturbance at Terminal 5 where officers attended. Subsequently a 37-year-old woman was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer and taken to Heathrow police station."

Well, duh. You people lost her luggage. This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about here, the woman who punched a boat into driftwood because someone offered her a plate of mozzarella and tomato slices. What were you expecting? A hug? Well we've got news for you – Naomi Campbell doesn't hug anyone unless she's overpowering them into submission so that she can dislocate her jaw and swallow them whole afterwards. Seriously, that police officer should just be thankful that he's not pulling a smartphone out of his skull right now.

But although Naomi Campbell being arrested on suspicion of assault is actually a bit of a backstep as far as her behavioural rehabilitation goes, there's also a lot of good to be taken from it. For example, now that a thin woman has had a tantrum about it, perhaps the Terminal 5 officials will finally get their act together and sort out the luggage problem. After all, 14,000 people may have lost their luggage, but don't forget that a supermodel is worth 14,001 normal people.

What's more, maybe the Naomi Campbell arrest goes to show what a fantastic anti-terrorism device she is. After all, would you hijack a flight if Naomi Campbell was onboard going mental at everything at the same time? No, no you wouldn't. You'd be too busy shitting it. Not even the promise of 72 heavenly virgins in the afterlife is worth getting a thick ear from Naomi Campbell.

Read more:

Naomi Arrested On Suspicion Of Assault – Sky 

Remember how much trouble Busta Rhymes was going to be in? There was talk of jail sentences so lengthy that all future Pussycat Dolls releases would have to have 35 seconds of silence in the middle where his guest rap would have been.

But time heals everything, or so they say, and instead of getting thrown in jail Busta Rhymes has to complete just 10 days of community service. Don't think that Busta Rhymes is getting an easy ride, though – if he offends again the punishment will be much harsher, and frankly we'd be stunned if Busta Rhymes is capable of going 10 days in the community without starting at least 450 fights.

People say that your heroes always let you down, but that's not something that really concerns Busta Rhymes. Firstly, if Busta Rhymes is a hero to anyone other than gormless lunk-headed mouth-breathers then we're fully prepared to eat our hat. And secondly, if you ever meet Busta Rhymes there's a strong chance that he'll punch you in the face – which is exactly what you'd expect him to do.

You see, for a while punching people in the face was pretty much Busta Rhymes' answer to everything. Man spits on you car? Punch him in the face. Employees asking for all that money you haven't paid them? Punch them in the face. In fact, we're certain that if more people settled their disputes by punching each other in the face the world would be a much better place. And government debates would be a lot more fun to watch.

Sadly, though, not everyone thinks like us and Busta Rhymes. Some people say that violently attacking people is wrong. Trouble is, those people are the people in charge, which is why Busta Rhymes was arrested and hauled up in court for his behaviour.

At one point Busta Rhymes faced a year in jail, but thanks to his remarkable skill for changing his mind about everything, pleading guilty and accepting plea deals, he's instead been sentenced to a spot of community service, as People reports:

Busta Rhymes was sentenced Tuesday to serve three years' probation and 10 days of community service, pay a $1,250 fine and court costs and enrol in a drunken driving program for his role in two separate assaults last year. In addition, Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Larry Stephen ordered the rapper to stay out of trouble… After the sentencing, Rhymes, dressed in a conservative gray suit with lavender accents, told reporters, "I have no trouble being a good dude because that's what I am."

It's true, Busta Rhymes is a good guy. A good guy who's been pushed into unusually difficult circumstances, like being asked by his driver to pay him some wages he'd earnt so that he could buy his children some Christmas presents. What's a man supposed to do in difficult circumstances like that, other than violently lash out? Anyone would do the same.

Anyway, Busta Rhymes will now have ten days of community service to fulfil, probably somewhere in the cleaning sector. But ten days of work won't hurt Busta Rhymes one jot – he's used to the graft, you see. Do you know how long it takes to craft a 35-second guest rap in a modern-day pop song? That's right – about 38 seconds. Busta's going to be fine.

Read more:

Busta Rhymes Sentenced on Assault Charges – People