Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

Amy Winehouse is officially the week’s most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera.

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week, there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’, which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s allegedly on crack.

A source tells the Sun:

“She has been fed up for ages and saying she wants to call it a day. All Blake does is scream and shout at her on the phone from prison and curse at her and his family blame her and criticise her. The trial is coming up and as it gets nearer and nearer the thought that he could come out has been on her mind – and it’s not what she wants any more.”

It has also been suggested that Amy has started a new relationship with 24-year-old Alex Haynes, her manager’s assistant. An insider revealed:

“Alex is a good boy. He doesn’t smoke or take drugs. He isn’t a big drinker. Amy has really fallen for him.”

Why? They’ve got nothing in common. If he really loves her, he’d better pick up a pipe quickly. And just what kind of soul-singer wants their husband to remain in jail?

Amy is, of course, famed for singing about the happenings of her life, like the time she sang about the time she was asked to go to rehab but really, really, really didn’t want to. How is she gonna make a song about this last week?

Any part-time poets out there fancy making an offering below?

Read More – Winehouse ‘prepared to divorce husband’ – Digital Spy

Naomi Campbell has escaped serious punishment for her spazzy airport tantrum last week, possibly because the police know that no prison's puny metal bars can contain a force of nature that terrifying.

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire