In and Out.

Folded:

• The Beatles: Rock Band (Your Social Life: Over)
• Mean Creek (on TV last week at stupid-o-clock. Thoughtful bully bashing drama with decent performances from its young cast)
• Trailer for Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony is online (it’s very funny and Xbox 360 owners are very lucky)
• Big Brother has finished (and nearly for good, though we shudder to think what they might replace it with…)
• Terry Wogan (earned a rest and, god knows, some looser trousers)

Creased:

• Guitar Hero: Aerosmith (not even ironically enjoyable)
• Bankers trying for anonymity by no longer wearing pinstripe suits (reports they’ve taken to hiding under bowler hats instead are sadly tosh)
• Fancying Poison Ivy from Batman: Arkham Asylum (wrong on numerous levels)
• Chris Moyles (the public has earned a rest)
• Upsurge in 24 hr McDonalds (get some mopeds and deliver, then we’ll be happy)

Without question, Big Brother 2009 will be remembered for one of three things.

It could be remembered as the Big Brother that nobody cared about. Or it could be remembered as the Big Brother that was won by Sophie Reade, 2009’s obligatory thick blonde girl with big knockers. Or it could be remembered as the Big Brother where Davina McCall turned up to the final in fancy dress and nobody really understood why.

But whatever. On Friday night Sophie Reade emerged triumphant as the winner of Big Brother 2009. So that’ll be the last that anyone hears from her, then.

The best way to judge the quality of a Big Brother series is to look at how successful the winner became after leaving the show. For example, Craig Phillips from the first Big Brother released his own Christmas single, which meant that his series was of moderate to good quality. Then there was last year’s winner Rachel Rice, whose name people had completely forgotten by the time her celebratory firework display had ended, which meant that her series was almost universally woeful.

And don’t forget Brian Belo, who could most recently be seen vomiting a raw egg into a party hat which, based on the rules that we just laid out, meant that his series of Big Brother was a historic moment of televisual excellence. Don’t argue with fact.

Anyway, all this means that the quality of Big Brother 2009 now rests firmly on the shoulders of Sophie Reade, who was declared the winner on Friday. Sophie – who about three of you might know better as Dogface – beat the likes of The Gay One, The Other Gay One, The Other Other Gay One and The One Who Seemed Like He Should Be Gay But Apparently Wasn’t to secure the Big Brother title. And it’s easy to see why.

Because Big Brother is all about the journey, isn’t it? And Sophie had the biggest journey of all – she entered the Big Brother house as the skinny blonde girl with big boobs who everyone assumed would be thick, and she left it 93 days later as the slightly fat girl with big boobs who everybody knew was stupid. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. Well, you could, but you’d be beaten unconscious for your tragic lack of imagination if you tried to.

So now is Sophie Reade’s time to shine. And in all seriousness, we think that she might end up doing quite well out of Big Brother. At the very least she could follow the paths of Imogen Thomas, Michelle Bass and Chanelle Hayes and become a set of tits for hire by the likes of Nuts and Zoo – but she shouldn’t let her career be dulled by a lack of ambition here. After all, none of those other girls actually won Big Brother and Sophie did. The world is her oyster now. She should aim for the absolute top.

That’s right – she should try and become a set of tits for hire for the ten-minute Television X freeview porno preview. We believe in you, Dogface!

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Tonight’s the big night! After approximately most of our entire life, this series of Big Brother will end tonight.

We jest – in all seriousness Big Brother has actually had one of the best years on record. But nobody cares, because hardly anyone watched it and it’s dying soon anyway so what’s the point? Huh? What’s the bloody point point of anything any more?

Anyway, which of the remaining Big Brother housemates will end up winning the prize money, releasing a fitness DVD and embarking on a disastrous pop career? Time to have one final look, we suppose…

David – What? Surely there’s some mistake here. Apparently David is the least likely to win Big Brother tonight. That doesn’t make much sense – are you all watching the same David as we are? The David who introduced himself to the public by bellowing “UP YER FLAPS!” like a sort of furious Nordic walrus? The David who can’t even mention Vivienne Westwood without drooling and figuratively slapping at his genitals? The same David who blunders around the Big Brother house with the exact same Napoleon Dynamite meets Your Nan expression on his face regardless of the situation? Really? You people are weird.

Charlie And Rodrigo – We’re lumping Charlie and Rodrigo together here, because a) neither of them are going to win and b) they’re like two sides of the same psychologically-traumatised coin. They love each other, but they hate each other. They fight, but they kiss. They pour water on one another, but they embark on terrifying 45-minute shriek-rants about it in the Big Brother diary room afterwards. We’d like to say that Charlie and Rodrigo bring out the worst in each other, but that simply isn’t true – because we can barely remember that Charlie even exists at the best of times, even when we’re staring at a photo of his face with his name written all over it.

Siavash – Oh Siavash, so near and yet so far. If only Noirin had decided to give you an emotional kicking three weeks later, you would have waltzed away with the Big Brother prize. But sadly she didn’t – she loved you, ditched you and now you’re forced to repeatedly mumble “Hey, let’s all walk out” to yourself every couple of minutes for entertainment. Where’s the old, fun Siavash? Actually, no, there never really was a fun Siavash, was there? Because, seriously, if you had a functioning personality then you wouldn’t resort to growing a beard that crap, would you?

Dogface – And so to Dogface, or Sophie, or whatever she’s called now. Dogface needs to win Big Brother the least, in fairness – her gigantic boobs have all but ensured that she’ll be a lad’s mag staple for years to come – and yet somehow it looks like she’s going to. We’re going to put a Dogface victory down to the fact that she’s the least objectionable housemate remaining on Big Brother – except for David, obviously, but you idiots obviously can’t see that. However, Dogface does seem to have an inkling that she might win Big Brother – she’s just dumped Kris, and if that isn’t a statement of wanting to keep all her OK! covershoot money for herself, we don’t know what is.

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Happy and sad.

Folded:

• Emeli Sande (criminally not in the video for Diamond Rings by Chipmunk despite doing all the singing. Buy her stuff anyway, it’s grrrr and soulful)
• Benefit Busters on Channel 4 (all hilarious but ‘in conversation with Emma’ was comedy moment of the year)
• Big Brother axed (don’t worry, we’ll find something else to write about all summer)
• Colin McRae: Dirt 2 (currently available for download on PS3 and Xbox 360. Shaping up as this year’s most fun racer)
• Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé (only comparatively Folded, but it’s still her best track for years)

Creased:

• Avatar teaser footage (take your joypads when the film hits cinemas in December)
• Empire magazine’s message board analysing said Avatar footage (at one point it had 700 comments, 98% of which were utter garbage)
• New X Factor format (did anyone remember asking for Britain’s Got The X Factor?)
• Remedy by Little Boots (‘Little Boots’ is apparently her nickname because she has little feet. Right, and The Dude’s called The Dude because everyone thinks he’s so cool)
• My Big Decision on BBC Three (touching stuff when that girl ‘overcame’ her desire for liposuction by having her mum hire a £400 a month personal trainer)

Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah – they’re killing Big Brother! They’re actually killing Big Brother!

It’s a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us – through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them – and, yes, we’ll miss it. What’s that? Big Brother’s still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don’t like it that much. Jesus.

Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction – not that it matters any more – so here’s what we think of them…

Siavash – Siavash won’t be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow night because he’s like a big, slightly rebellious cow. He’s good natured and passive, and he only misbehaves when the farmer doesn’t warm up his milking hands properly or something. Oh, what’s the point? It doesn’t really matter if Siavash goes or not tomorrow, because Big Brother is leaving us anyway. And you know what it’s giving us as a goodbye present? A void. A great big empty void that lasts all summer. How does Channel 4 expect us to spend our summer evenings? Huh? Going out? Meeting people? Doing something more worthwhile than spending every evening sitting there with a bloody notepad writing about idiots we don’t even like very much? Thanks, Channel 4. Thanks a bloody lot.

Marcus – Meanwhile, Marcus is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night because… oh, you know what? Nobody cares. If people cared then they’d still be watching Big Brother, and they obviously aren’t watching Big Brother because if they were then Channel 4 would keep showing it. In fact, you care so little about Big Brother that you’re probably not even reading this, are you? We’re just talking to ourselves. Well fine. Nobody watches Big Brother and nobody is reading this, so we’ll just say whatever the hell we like and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. Winky woo. There, see? Winky winky woo. Winky winky winky winky winky winky bloody poxy woo. WINKY WOO.

We’re so alone.

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On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn’t really news because Bea was rubbish.

So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we’ve decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly.

Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Siavash, Charlie and Lisa…

Siavash – Common consensus is that Siavash is the housemate most likely to win Big Brother this year, but that’s bollocks isn’t it? It’s got to be – what does he actually do? Seriously, because we’d love to know. Noirin isn’t twisting him into emotional pretzels any more, Cairon isn’t drawing faces on his arse any more, and frankly he’s the least convincing flamboyant Jesus bear we’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. Literally the only thing going for Siavash is his constant refusal to nominate anybody. And that hardly makes him Ghandi, does it? Ghandi had better hair. Buck your ideas up, Siavash.

Charlie - Big Brother has long since stopped being popular enough to warrant Princess Nikki-style reality spin-offs, and that’s a real shame. Admittedly it’s only a shame because we desperately want to see what happens to Charlie and Rodrigo after the Big Brother final, but what’s so wrong with that? If their life outside of the Big Brother house even remotely echoes their life inside it, every episode of their show would be guaranteed to feature at least two of the following: 1) an awkward, emotionally backwards under-the-duvet embrace, 2) a moment of friendly horseplay, 3) Charlie overstepping the mark and making Rodrigo cross, and 4) Rodrigo charging up and down a corridor for two hours screeching “No! NO! Rodrigo NO!” to himself like a madman with a wasp in his brain. It’d be like EastEnders, only more schizophrenic and gay. Brilliant.

Lisa - Over the last week or so, Lisa has started to relax a little. There aren’t so many people to fight with, all her enemies are slowly vanishing and – crucially – she thinks she’s in with a chance of winning Big Brother. This is probably the best possible outcome for everybody, because in her head Lisa is planning all the things she’ll be able to do as winner – release an number one album, break down the nation’s sexual and gender-based barriers forever and possibly get a stint as a DIY expert on This Morning once a week. And she’ll never accomplish any of them. Because nobody really likes her. But she doesn’t know that. But she will. Oh, she will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be cackling maniacally to ourselves in our underground lair.

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There’s another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven’t been counting, but we’re fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year.

But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of… oh, who are we kidding? It’ll be Bea, won’t it? By a mile. Bea’s going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely.

But, hey, let’s play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition…

Marcus - Now that the Noirin debacle is firmly behind him, Marcus has emerged as something of a fan favourite. Actually we’re underselling this – Marcus has turned into a hero. He can’t be shifted from the Big Brother house. Not even the fact that Marcus feels compelled to fill every single moment of silence with awful directionless whistling delivered at such a punishing volume and frequency that it gives us vertigo can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. Not even footage of Marcus masturbating in front of other housemates can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. We sort of wish it would, though. Ugh.

David – No no no no no no. You absolutely must not vote David out of the Big Brother house tomorrow. He’s the best. Imagine if you shaved a bear, gave it a powerful knock on the head, dressed it up as a dickhead and then set it loose in the Big Brother house. No, actually don’t imagine it. You don’t need to. That’s exactly what David is. And we wouldn’t want him any other way. Well, maybe a bit cleverer. And better to look at. And most other things, come to think of it. We don’t really like David, to be honest. But if he wins Big Brother then Charlie won’t. And we like Charlie even less.

Bea – Right, let’s stop this charade immediately. If Bea isn’t evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, we’ll eat our hat. Then we’ll eat your hat. Then we’ll poo them out onto the top of our own head. That’s how certain we are of Bea’s eviction. It’s hard to tell if Bea’s constant neediness this week is the result of a meticulously crafted gameplan or the onset of mental illness, but whatever it is, it’s going down badly with the other housemates, with the viewing public and – following her weird teary outburst at her own mother this week – her own immediate family. Maybe Bea just misses Halfwit. No, no that can’t be it. Nobody has ever missed Halfwit for the duration of his entire life, even ironically.

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On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Bea – Bea is undoubtedly the Big Brother housemate who’ll notice Freddie’s absence the most. This is because she’ll be aware that she isn’t constantly being trailed by a screaming raw nerve with red eyes who appears to have learnt how to emotionally respond to various scenarios by watching a mixture of American soap operas and real-life footage of physical torture. So without Freddie around, what will Bea do? Simple – she’s going to hit on Siavash. And then, once he gives into his advances, she’ll spurn him and he’ll cry. It’s good to have a routine to keep to, isn’t it?

Lisa – Another week in the Big Brother house, another eviction that Lisa bewilderingly hasn’t been anywhere near. And for the life of us we can’t understand this. All of the other Big Brother housemates seem certain that Lisa has a gameplan – even though as far as we can see that gameplan appears to involve little more than chainsmoking and speaking with the voice of your dead grandfather – but they never nominate her for eviction. In a sense this is ridiculous. But maybe it’s deliberate – if Lisa isn’t evicted until the final, the sum total of publicity she’ll receive is one truncated post-eviction interview and nothing else. Very clever, other Big Brother housemates. Very clever indeed.

David - Look, we don’t ask much of you people. But can you please let David win Big Brother? We’d be ever so grateful. It’s not so much that David deserves to win Big Brother – or even that he doesn’t deserve to win it least – but if David wins, then he’ll be more likely to get his own TV show. And we know exactly what we want that TV show to be – a half-hour programme called David Off Big Brother Talks About Things. It’d just be David in a room on his own with a small bag filled with bits of paper with various issues – homelessness, love, religion, that sort of thing – and at the start of each episode he’d pull out one piece of paper and talk about it for 30 minutes. What’d be good about it is that after 10 minutes or so David would run out of things to say, and then he’d just sit around looking confused for the remainder of the time. And maybe he’ll cry. It’d be excellent. MAKE IT SO, READERS!

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It’s been an interesting week in the Big Brother house so far, and that’s a sentence we haven’t used since about 2006.

For some sort of complex reason that we haven’t been able to fully grasp, the Big Brother housemates have been allowed to discuss nominations with each other. As well as revealing exactly how much each contestant wants to win Big Brother, it’s also ensured that the last few weeks of the show are going to be more jumpy and paranoid than Amy Winehouse in a haunted hall of mirrors.

It’s also meant that Halfwit and Marcus will be facing eviction from the Big Brother house tomorrow. It should be a close one, so let’s have a looky…

Halfwit – Look, earlier in the week we said that Halfwit’s invincible run of surviving evictions was over. And this admittedly seemed to be the case following the gigantic row in the Big Brother house over Marcus and the missing cigarettes, when Halfwit waded in and seemed to deliberately make himself the villain of the piece for no good reason whatsoever. But this week Halfwit is up against Marcus, which somewhat tragically means that he’ll probably survive yet another eviction. This is awful news – it means that he’s bound to become even more unbearably smug than usual. And remember that he’s a young Conservative who lives in a mansion with his parents and a large collection of linen jackets, so his level of unbearable smugness is already fairly high. Still, on the plus side another survival means that it’ll hurt Halfwit more when he doesn’t win Big Brother. And he mustn’t win Big Brother, understand?

Marcus - As much as it pains us to say it, it looks like Marcus will be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow. And it’ll be a shame, because we feel that we’ve gone on a journey with him. We remember it well – the bit at the start where he seemed like a normal bloke, the bit where he went a bit weird and appeared to threaten Sree with violence, the unsettling bit where he temporarily became Noirin’s stalker, the bit after that where he wrapped himself in a duvet and refused to move from the Big Brother garden, the bit where he turned everyone against him by hiding their cigarettes, and all the bits where he wanked in the toilet which made up about 98% of his time in the Big Brother house. Goodbye Marcus. We’ve never met you and, well, we’re OK if that arrangement extends indefinitely.

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So on Friday, Lisa was the housemate officially least likely to win Big Brother, and all of Davina McCall’s links were rendered inaudible by mob chanting “Get Lisa out!”

So, naturally, Hira was evicted. Poor Hira, a victim of Big Brother’s ‘vote to save’ policy last week. Still, we’ll remember you Hira. That was your name, right? Hira? We can’t really mentally place your face, but if you come up to us and tell us your name, there’s about a 50% likelihood that we’ll remember you.

Anyway, onto the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Dogface, Halfwit and Rodrigo…

Dogface - We’ve got our fingers crossed that Dogface will be the next Big Brother housemate to be evicted. And we’re saying that out of love – getting evicted would be for her own good. After all, it goes without saying that Dogface is this year’s Big Brother housemate who’s most likely to end up nude on the front cover of Nuts. That’s how she’s going to make her living for the next few years, and it’d be stupid to think otherwise. However, since Kris was evicted all those weeks ago, Dogface has done nothing but eat. And as a result, she’s bloating out like a corpse in a lake. This poses two problems – every day she continues to swell up inside the Big Brother house, the less chance she’ll have of posing topless for magazines. Similarly, if she’s evicted on Friday then Dogface will only need a couple of gallons of liquid soap and a crowbar to get her through the front door of the Big Brother house – any longer than that and producers will have to take the roof off and use a crane.

Halfwit – Remember at the start of Big Brother when Halfwit survived about eight evictions in a row? Yeah, that probably wouldn’t happen now. And it’s all Bea’s fault. By showing the slightest flicker of interest in him, she’s turned Halfwit from an endearingly odd buffoon into the world’s most hamfisted lothario. He’s become genuinely uncomfortable to watch – he’s clearly aiming for Wordsworth, but he’s fallen short and hit Pam Ayres after an illegally large dose of HRT instead. The disgusting thing is, it seems to have worked – Bea actually kissed him last week. On the mouth. Ugh. Without question, Halfwit has worn out his invincibility now, and he’d be lucky to survive another eviction. Also, what kind of anarchist wears a linen jacket? We mean honestly.

Rodrigo – An apology: when Rodrigo entered the Big Brother house all those weeks ago, we claimed that he was like Kenneth from 30 Rock. We’d like to take that back. In actual fact, Rodrigo is like Kenneth from 30 Rock being flicked repeatedly in the eyeball by a cackling toddler – he’s perfectly kind and innocent 98% of the time, but now and again he’ll lash out with a genuinely confusing intensity. In fact, we’ve started to play Angry Rodrigo Bingo while watching Big Brother, and we suggest that you do too. What you do is make a grid of squares, and fill the squares with a number of arbitrarily chosen objects or scenarios – every time Rodrigo loses his rag about one of them, you cross it off. First one to make a line wins. It’s great – just last Friday, in fact, we won a large cash prize because Rodrigo managed to lose his temper about Chocolate Mix, being tickled, a swimming pool and the prospect of the Queen not replying to his letter. Seriously, you should try it.

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This is just a wild punt, but we’re guessing that tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction is going to be the most exciting of the series so far.

Why? Because everybody is up for eviction. The viewers finally have the chance to vote out the Big Brother housemate who annoys them the most, regardless of who’s been nominated. Well, actually that’s not strictly true – what’s actually going to happen is that the viewers have to vote to save their favourite housemate, which means that tomorrow’s evictee will be the housemate who people care the least about. Which, in our case, is everyone.

Let’s look at the three Big Brother housemates who we think are most likely to get booted out tomorrow – Hira, Lisa and Bea…

Hira – If this was a normal Big Brother eviction, where the public votes out the housemate they dislike the most, then Hira would probably be safe. After all, Hira is inoffensive to the point of barely existing – and that’ll be her problem tomorrow. Now that Big Brother viewers are voting to save their favourite housemate, she’s a firm favourite for the push. Because, really now, Hira can’t logically be anyone’s favourite Big Brother housemate – for all that she contributes, she’s basically a particularly stupid chunk of polystyrene. But maybe all’s not lost for Hira; if her family and her husband’s family all pool together and vote to save her then… oh, wait, no – she’s related to her husband, so they share a family, don’t they? That’s Hira effed, then.

Lisa - Lisa’s continued survival in the Big Brother house has bewildered us more than anything else this year. The public can’t really stand her, but the housemates’ determination to never nominate her for eviction has protected her from our wrath. And now we have a chance to boot her out tomorrow. The problem is that Lisa is a Big Brother housemate who people actively dislike, and this week’s ‘vote to save a housemate’ tactic automatically puts the quieter contestants at risk. If the theme for tomorrow’s eviction was ‘vote out the dreary skinhead lesbian who misguidedly assumes that she has a career as a singer’, then Lisa would be out like a shot. But as things stand, she might go on to fight another day. Curses!

Bea – We’re including Bea as a favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow purely because she’s quite new and, unlike fellow newcomer David, she’s not entertainingly thick. But in our heart of hearts, we feel pretty sure that Bea is safe. After all, she’s done what several consecutive nominations couldn’t do – she’s broken Halfwit. She strung him along, turned him into a sort of mid-life crisis pervert version of Ming The Merciless who regularly attends provincial nightclub singles nights, and then bluntly told him that he disgusted her. For doing this alone, Bea is frankly incredible – it makes her a slightly more endearing version of Noirin – and we hope she stays. But would we vote to save her? Of course not. We wouldn’t vote to save any of the Big Brother housemates. We’re not stupid.

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Yeah, well done Big Brother – this gimmick of bringing in the housemates’ partners is working a treat, isn’t it?

Remember when Karly’s boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what – Noirin’s boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don’t know what to say – other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa’s girlfriend in pronto.

But now Noirin’s gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – It’s not really a surprise that Marcus survived eviction last week – after all, he was up against Noirin, and even Pol Pot would probably have a pretty good chance of surviving eviction against her. But now that Noirin has gone, we might start to see signs of the Marcus we know and love again. You know, the one who grimly fixates on a woman and makes every second of her life an uncomfortable nightmare until she’s forced to tell him in no uncertain terms that she isn’t interested in him and he sulks about it for three weeks. Yeah, that’ll be fun. Bea, these next few weeks are going to be awful.

Charlie – Charlie is what people like to call a slow-burn housemate, which is a polite way of saying that he’s cripplingly boring and people only start to notice him after all the interesting housemates get evicted. And this is unfair, because in a true and just world, nobody would ever have to notice Charlie. Ever. Not even if he was the only housemate on Big Brother and he set himself on fire and spent 20 minutes running around in circles slapping at the flames and screaming. Why? Because Charlie’s life is an endless carousel that only involves him overstepping the line of decency and then looking mortified about it for an hour afterwards. He never learns from it either – as soon as he’s stopped being mortified it’s like his brain resets and he goes onto do the exact same thing all over again. Tiresome, Charlie. Tiresome.

David – Bear with us, because this one might take some explaining. We’re starting to think that David has a shot of winning Big Brother. No, no, come back – we have a valid reason for this wild and frankly deranged-sounding claim. Remember Brian Belo? Remember how he had absolutely no sense of social etiquette, constantly spoke in an overbearingly loud monotone and had a frightening preoccupation with cider? Substitute the word ‘cider’ for the words ‘Vivienne Westwood‘ and that’s a perfect description of David. And Brian Belo won Big Brother. So therefore, using the same logic, we can safely say that David is going to win Big Brother this year. And it’ll probably bring about the end of the world.

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Unless another self-absorbed bellend decides to hoik themselves over the perimeter wall, tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction will be a special one.

The housemates up for eviction are Noirin and Marcus – two thirds of the most unnecessarily melodramatic relationships in the history of Big Brother. If Noirin goes, both Marcus and Siavash lose their dream girl, and if Marcus goes… well, if Marcus goes there won’t be a little fat bloke dressed as Wolverine wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the Big Brother garden all the time.

So who’s going to leave the Big Brother house tomorrow? Let’s find out…

Marcus – For a plucky underdog, Marcus doesn’t half make it hard for anyone to like him. Ever since Noirin treacherously did the dirty on him by repeatedly telling him that she wasn’t even  romantically interested in him and then kissing someone else, Marcus has basically turned into a great big sulking toddler. All he’s done is plod around the Big Brother house in a duvet, refusing to talk to anyone like some sort of awful self-pitying, attention-seeking wazzock. So, on the basis that his contribution to the Big Brother house currently stands at nil, maybe Marcus should go tomorrow. But wait! Is that the genesis of a crush on Bea? Brilliant! Let’s keep him in and he can go through this whole sorry cycle again – maybe this time he’ll even self-harm! Woo!

Noirin - In a way, Noirin is the exact opposite of Marcus, in that she contributes to a lot to the Big Brother house, but she’s so transparently awful that nobody in their right mind would ever even consider rooting for her. But at least she’s consistent – she’ll pick a man who’s clearly several divisions lower than her in the attractiveness league, string him along until he’s head over heels in love with her and then instantly drop them like a stone. And look what she’s done – Sree reportedly slashed his wrists after leaving the Big Brother house, Marcus has turned into the world’s most surly caterpillar and now Siavash has just realised that his girlfriend probably won’t have him back now. Noirin even promised to get her vagina out while walking into the Big Brother house, and she hasn’t even done that yet, the bitch. Oh god, she’s got to us too. It’s no good. Noirin! Noirin! We love you, Noirin! Quick, someone get her out before we go terminal.

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9 – Kelly Clarkson (sort of) rips off Beyonce, refuses to shut up about it – Amy Grindhouse

8 - If you’ve been watching David on Big Brother and thinking “But where do I know him from?”, here’s your answer. You’ll thank us for this – Watchwithmothers

7 - Do you have a dog? Are you painfully lonely? Do you like the idea of making people run away from you in terror? Then do WE have the invention for YOU! – Geekologie

6 – A list of the top four pies ever. Contentious - Interestment

5 - Steel drums make everything sound happy. Look, here’s a steel band playing Joy Division songs. And they’re ACE – Mychemicaltoilet

4 - Here’s a feature called Ask The Sluts which, experience has taught us, is never a good idea. Ever – Domesticsluttery

3 – But Madonna! Your ARMS! – Bestweekever

2 - You know the world’s 100 most offensive jokes? Here are the punchlines to them – Coed

1 – A man flipping off zoo animals. The most joyous thing you’ll see all day, and another winner from Black20…

Thanks to Kenneth rubberstamping his tossishness by legging it over a wall last week, there wasn’t a Big Brother eviction on Friday.

But there’s still one less Big Brother housemate than there was on Friday morning, and that’s all thanks to Tom. Tom – who you may recognise as the muscular posho who periodically thought he was Maxwell from Big Brother 2005 – also left the Big Brother house this weekend because – oh, actually, who cares? He was rubbish anyway.

Instead of profiling the housemates who’ve caught our eye this week, we’re actually going to look at some of the loose Big Brother couples today. Exciting…

Noirash (Noirin and Siavash): The biggest news of the Big Brother week – apart from the fact that Big Brother chose a bunch of tedious flakes to be the new housemates – is the kiss between Noirin and Siavash. Did Noirin kiss Siavash because she heard that he was a favourite to win Big Brother? Did she do it to forcefully demonstrate to Marcus that she isn’t interested in him? Did she do it because she’s a compulsive attention-starved tease with zero self-esteem who constantly needs a man to chase her to validate herself? Or does she just really, really like crappy-looking beards? Maybe we’ll never know. And we’ll never know because Marcus is currently millimetres away from the edge, and by ‘the edge’ we clearly mean ‘bludgeoning Siavash to death with the back of a shovel’. Still, it was beautiful while it lasted.

Chodrigo (Charlie and Rodrigo): Although all the Big Brother focus has been on Siavash and Noirin this week, there’s also been a slow creep towards relationship status between Charlie and Rodrigo. And not a moment too soon, either – what with the bed-soaking and the bottle-throwing, their semi-affectionate horseplay was getting darker and darker by the minute, and seemed bound to end up with Rodrigo carving the words ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?’ into his chest with some broken crockery. However, the timely introduction of David into the Big Brother house scared Charlie and Rodrigo into having a big gay snog with each other last week, and it seems likely that they’re only going to get closer and closer until one of them gets evicted. And it had better be Charlie. God, he’s awful.

Barfwit (Bea and Halfwit): In short, Halfwit clearly wants a piece of Bea but she isn’t having any of it. This is either because she doesn’t want to be tarred as an opportunistic hussy by getting together with a man on television, or because she’s freaked out by the idea of kissing Ming The Merciless‘ unbearable inter-railing nephew. We don’t know which of these is true, because we genuinely don’t care about either of them.

Later this week: The Big Brother eviction nominees. Provided there is an actual eviction this time. Cuh.

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