S Club 7 were good weren’t they?  They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf.  Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.

Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.

A source said:

“S Club have seen what’s happened to Steps and want a piece of it.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough;

‘They’re hoping to make a TV show following their reunion, a tour and the release of an updated Greatest Hits album – just like Steps.”

No. Oh JESUS CHRIST NO!!

The band’s spokesman refused to comment on this, making us hope it’s just a cruel, cruel rumour that someone with a grudge against the human race has decided to unleash but given that three of the band members are touring around clubs and universities as S Club 3, which is enough to make any former popstar wish for better days, we fear it may be true.

Despite the fact that Don’t Stop Movin’ was a decent pop tune, we’d rather superglue our eyelids open and sit through 17 hours of TOWIE than have any part of this.

Here, watch this and remember them as they were and not the elderly, arthritic, alcohol soaked monsters they are now.

And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.

Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he’s due to star in the play, yes someone’s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.

And people say that theatre is too high-brow.

Other stars of the show, about a group of lads who decide to become strippers, you know, like in that film with Robert Carlisle, will include Danny Young, who played Warren in Corrie, Marcus Patrick a.k.a. Ben Davies from Hollyoaks and Dale Howard, from… erm… Big Brother.

This has Olivier Award written all over it.

Wildboyz is due to grace the towns of Stevenage, Bradford, Leicester, Skegness, Colchester, Plymouth, Newcastle and Margate. And while there are no immediate plans for a West End run we here at hecklerspray are certain that Messrs Reid, Patrick, Young and Howard will be treading the boards at the Victoria, Apollo or Gielgud in no time.

Whether the theatre will be open that day or not will be another matter.

The show has been described, by the people who have been paid to lie about how good it is, as:

A hysterical tease from the beginning to its spectacular climax, lifting the lid on the world of celebrity, with audience participation, guaranteeing not a dry seat in the house.

Not a dry seat? Are the audience all going to void the bowels with shame after being subjected to Alex Reid’s acting talent?

That’s REALLY selling it to us.

One thing remains certain at least, even with pictures like the one below floating around, there’s not much of a chance of Alex or the rest of the Wildboyz being signed by Katie Price.

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Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Unfortunately the reality was much less interesting (much like Big Brother, in fact). In fact no actual celebrities turned up to the event, leaving the organisers to sift through the dregs of the Z-List. People who were willing to coo about how good the inevitably terrible film was in order to get £50 from the poor bastards doing PR for yet another shark-jumping horror sequel.

On that subject, we did make the slightly erroneous claim that the premiere was ‘star-studded’ but perhaps a ‘diamanté vajazzled’ audience would be a more accurate term. Well-known Jordan lookalike Katie Price (the one with the tits that she hates us mentioning), Dane Bowers (of ‘sexing Katie Price’ fame), Ironik (the least ironic man alive) and Michelle Heaton (nope, no idea) were among the great washed-up to enter the compound in the pursuit of enough money to buy a loaf of bread and some crack.

Of course, it’s yet another premiere that hecklerspray wasn’t invited to despite us finally meeting the criteria that many of our commenters lay down for us. “What have you ever achieved?” We would argue that we’ve achieved more than Dane Bowers and yet here we are picking the mould off the bottom of our tea cups while he has an awkward conversation with Katie Price about male ejaculate over some plastic nachos.

We can’t win.

The third instalment of the horror franchise is set 18 years before the first film, and is directed by the people who made Catfish, a film that is almost as awful as Paranormal Activity III is bound to be.

There’s not much of Pamela Anderson we haven’t seen, thanks to a couple of grainy sex tapes that proved very popular with lonely swine all those years ago. Yet, oddly, there’s something very likeable about Pammy.

Is it because she’s self-deprecating? Probably not. You’re into the whole ‘boobs’ thing aren’t you?

Well, less pleasant than the female form, squeezed into a high-cut horror-bikini is skidmarks. That’s right. Skidders. For some reason, Pamela has entered the Big Brother house, now that all the other celebrities have gone, and promised to leave a skidmark in there. We have no idea what she means, but it doesn’t sound very hygienic.

After Paddy Doherty won Celebrity Big Brother, cueing up the entire nation to make lazy jokes about not being able to evict travellers from a house, Pammy was seen on the BB sofa.

This, of course, was very exciting for Brian Dowling who, despite being surprisingly impressive in the live shows, is liable to squeal at absolutely everything in sight.

But what about the soiled undies?

Well, when Anderson was called to the Diary Room, she told Big Brother:

“It’s fun to be here.”

“I’m going to give them the ride of their lives, and leave a skidmark on every one of them.”

Filth.

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Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Right. That’s it. Big thanks to Kris for manning the twitter account. Follow hecklerspray and Kris’ personal account, as well as Editor Mof for more BB bile. We’re done here. Thanks to the 4 people who read along. We love to haaaate yoooou…

10.25pm Diva = Repeatedly saying the phrase ‘Welcome Pack’. For fuck’s sake.

10.23pm Fuck a duck indeed. Housemate given secret task on first night. How tedious.

10.22pm “It smells like brand new carpets.” Katona there, talk about her vagina.

10.21pm HERE COMES THE TWIST! WACO! WACO! WACO!

10.20pm When do those fuckers from HolyMoly (they’re owned by the same company as BB these days while we’re owned by chippy in Hull) come on telly? We want to seethe with jealousy at them, manifesting as undiluted hate.

10.18pm Our Kris is still gallantly manning the twitter feed despite being so drunk that he’s made George Best’s ghost cry.

10.16pm A Big Brother twist? They’re going to recreate Waco and get the FBI to set it on fire with everyone in while Charlton Heston shouts at them pretending to be God Almighty?

10.15pm Tiger coat. Panda shoes. Is it an endangered ensemble?

10.14pm We were going to make a joke about Jedward losing their virginity, but they’ve invariably already lost it. To each other.

10.12pm Just wait ’til Big Brother splits these little odious turds up. You know damn well it’s going to happen. There’ll be tears.

10.11pm There you go! NEW HOUSEMATE! SIAMESE TWINS, JEDWARD!

10.10pm Bobby Sabel. So famous that a) He doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. b) Tara didn’t tell him the door story.

10.08pm GO ON BRIAN! GET HIM WANKED!

10.07pm Bobby Sabel? NEW HOUSEMATE WHO WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF! Oh put your knickers back on you disgusting perverts.

10.06pm Has Paddy been arrested for punching all of Tara Reid’s teeth out?

10.04pm “A panicked runner just discovered all of Tara Reid’s consonants in her dressing room” says Laurence on Twitter

10.01pm Two more? That’d be Jedward then? Oh god, we hope so. Imagine. Imagine Tara Reid‘s stroke face trying to compute those little bastards. She’ll think it’s like a Dr Seuss book has come to life! She’ll sleep with her eyes open as a result. Jedward will break her. Then spitroast her.

10pm How many more of these divs have we got to go in?

9.58pm How much polyfiller has been used on Mrs Hoff’s face since she did that interview?

9.57 NEW HOUSEMATE! PAMELA! IT’S PAMMY! No. Not Pamela Anderson! IT’S THE HOFF’S WIFE! NO! WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER EVER EITHER! AND WE’RE PAID TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE NO MARKS!

9.56 To be nice for once, Brian Dowling looks like he’s been doing this for years doesn’t he? The Mint trained him well.

9.54 On Twitter, Kris points out this out at  Lucian Thundercunt “David Beckham gave me the inspiration to be an actor.” You DO know he’s a footballer, right?”

9.52 Lucian Laviscount. That’s who it is. We all know now don’t we? Nope. Either way, he will absolutely end up rubbing his long, thin penis up the back of Amy Childs while she sleeps.

9.50pm A NEW HOUSEMATE! IT’S LUCIAN LOVINGCUNT OR SOMETHING!

9.49pm THOSE MASSIVE LEGS AGAIN!

9.46pm Sorry. What in fuck’s name is the new Haribo commercial about? Someone should be taken to a public square and flogged to death for that. No, sod that. Everyone involved – including the children – should be whipped with bike chains.

9.44pm It’s going to be great when half of this lot fall off the wagon. Sadly, no-one will be watching by this point. Oh well.

9.42pm “I’m going to stir it up a bit” or, as it’s know, get picked on by younger, more spiteful minor celebrities.

9.40pm NEW HOUSEMATE – SALLY BERCOW (us neither)

9.38pm The look of terror on Amy Childs’ face on seeing Lyons is brilliant. She knows he’s got her over a barrel. Who’s she been humping? (Who hasn’t she been shagging etc)

9.36pm Hopefully, Mr Paparazzi will have some amazing shit on everyone. Hopefully, Five will have the nuts to actually air it. And listen to the boos from the very people who line his bastard pockets. Stupid piss cloths.

9.35pm NEW HOUSEMATE ALERT! DARREN LYONS! HE’S A MASSIVE TWAT!

9.33pm “it appears that she’s [Tara Reid] speechless with rage. Or is that the tranquilizers?” says ‘sprays number one fan Alexandra

9.31pm What are the odds of a sexual assault having already taken place in the BB House? Too far?

9.30pm “Trust Amy Childs to be the only person in the UK who knows who Paddy is without being told” says our Kris on twitter. He’s actually doing really well for someone who is watching a football match at the same time.

9.26pm Look at this fucking gargoyle. YOU. You created her. Not us. YOU. You bastards.

9.25pm ANOTHER STINKING HOUSEMATE – AMY FROM THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX

9.25pm “A note to the police. Paddy Doherty is now of a fixed abode. You know what to do.” says our twitter account

9.21pm OOOOH! Paddy Doherty! We see now. He won’t last long, unless he knocks someone out. Which he will. Then he’ll cry like a big bitch. Do travellers even have landlines so they can vote for him?

9.20pm NEW HOUSEMATE – Mthmnem Nmmnamnth

9.15pm Okay. So we know that the immense git that is Mr Paparazzi will be going in with his stupid pink hair and face like a withered ankle. But Baywatch star? It won’t be Pamela Anderson. Erika Elenak (or whatever she’s called) surely? Jedward are, of course, in the house. We told you that yesterday.

9.14pm Nice to see Tara and Kerry getting on with each other. NOT (possibly not the last Wayne’s World joke we’ll make here)

9.13pm Jesus. Tara Reid is about as warm as Robert Pattinson‘s cock in an ice-pop.

9.11pm Didn’t Tara Reid just get married? What a shitty honeymoon if so. A fellow viewer is already hoping to see “her weird boobs”.

9.10pm SECOND HOUSEMATE – TARA REID

9.08pm Over at our twitter account, it says: “As if she wasn’t annoying enough, she’s got Swagger Jagger as her entrance music. If she was a wrestler she’d be gone after a week.”

9.07pm Kerry Katona there, saying she’s shat herself. Great. This is going to be hugely jarring. And listen! It’s Swagger Jagger as well, just to rub shit-caked glass into our already open wound.

9.06pm FIRST HOUSEMATE – KERRY KATONA

9.05pm The Big Brother crowd there, cheering at furniture. The stupid dicks.

9.03pm Nice that Marcus Bentley got his job back. It really couldn’t be done by anyone else could it? Dowling is rather likeable too. That said, give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be spitting bile at him.

9pm Here we go! The prick factory turns its cogs again!

8.59pm WHAT WERE THOSE LEGS ABOUT?!

8.58pm *sings* She’s got Betty Davis’ chin…

8.57pm DON’T GET EXCITED! THAT’S A FUCKING ORDER! We’ve got a stupid news bulletin first.

8.52 Did anyone else see Dom Littlethingy on Through The Keyhole, mournfully talking about how desperately single he is and how he might move to New York? Yeah. Like the dating scene in NYC isn’t ferocious and keenly fought.

8.48pm New Cowboy Builders may have dramatic music, but we’re really, really not feeling it here. Dom Littlewhatsit is about as frightening as a kitten being kissed by a butterfly.

8.46 Okay. Now we’ve turned over. New Cowboy Builders eh? Five are really spoiling us tonight aren’t they? Still, nice of Brian Dowling to show up in the adbreak and get cut off before he’s finished speaking. It’s just like Channel 4, eh?

8.44pm We’re not actually watching Five yet. We’re on a channel called Really (yes, really) and there’s people making haircuts that look like bikes, carousels and dollhouses. Honestly. It’s like taking the worst drugs ever.

8.42pm Are you following us on twitter? Our giant Indian man, Kris, is manning the account and he’s a vile, vile human guaranteed to get us in trouble with the law at some point this evening. Click here to follow us.

8pm Well, you’re eager aren’t you? What on Earth could you want from us now?

Big Brother is back in a week’s time and some people (notably the people who work for Channel Five and Holy Moly) are getting very, very excited! However, all is not well at the BB house as our exclusive pictures show!

Pictures have been released of the new Big Brother house and many have cooed about how glamorous it looks (with others shrugging and thinking that it kinda looks like any other BB House).

However, what Endemol, makers of the show, aren’t telling anyone is that the show is danger of being cancelled after it was found that the Elstree studio has been infested with weasels!

Alongside the bright living room, modern furniture and spiral staircase, producers found that the first housemates through the door were a family of weasels.

While experts try to decide whether or not the squatters are pine martens (which are protected, unlike weasels who it’s rumoured will be killed ‘without prejudice’ by former BBer Makosi with her bare hands), producers of the show are weighing up hiring the scavengers as potential housemates.

A source told hecklerspray:

“These creatures are posing a big problem for the producers. On one hand, they quite like the idea of sending in someone like Kerry Katona or Jedward to live side-by-side with the animals. It’ll be Big Brother meets Springwatch. However, they’re worried that viewers won’t be thrilled at the idea of having this disgusting, brainless vermin ruining the reputation of a perfectly nice woodland creature.”

Celebrity Big Brother begins on Thursday, August 18 at 9pm on Five, and here are our exclusive, absolutely real photos of the weasels in residence inside the Big Brother house.

This is all 100% true and, in unrelated news, next week we’ll be advertising for someone who is half decent at photoshop.

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It’s been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.

Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!

Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.

So.

Here we go then.

Here’s the exclusive list of contestants leaked by ‘a source’ who may work at Endemol. Or Five. Or not. We don’t have to say. They’re simply ‘a source’ and you have to trust them…

…right?

Here are the contestants for Celebrity Big Brother 2011:

1. Barry Scott, Cillit Bang enthusiast. Entirely fictional embittered bellower Barry is keen for a return to the limelight since the News of the World hacked his phone with the startling revelation that he was “more of a Cif man, myself” resulting in him being dropped from the lucrative advertising campaign.

2. Bob Carolgees, Alleged ‘Entertainer’. Following the mesmerising slo-mo nervous breakdown of Les Dennis, we have high hopes for the mental disintegration of another barely-heard-of light entertainer. Reports that glove-puppet/emotional crutch Spit the Dog also attending are unconfirmed.

3. Whigfield.

4. Lucy Robinson Off Of ‘Neighbours’. No, The Second One. Around about 1987, Lucy went away for a school trip or something, and came back two-foot taller with a different face and voice, thus alarming every viewer who was a pre-pubescent about to go on a school trip. Sasha Close is her name, possibly the palest Australian ever.

5. Andy Crane, Television ‘Personality’. The man whose life Phillip Schofield stole. Currently lingering on some God-forsaken local radio show in Manchester.

6. Terence Trent D’Arby, Prince-Lite. Terry is fully expected to break into an a capella version of ‘If You Let Me Stay’ each time he is put up for eviction in the most embarrassing manner possible.

7. Bruno Brooks, ex-D.J. You know those dreadful in-house ‘radio stations’ that play in your super-market? They’re his fault. Vote him out. Him and his gaspingly dreadful mullet.

8. The Mental Bloke Who Collects Glasses In My Local. Tolerated by the staff due to the free-of-charge labour.

9. Ace, worst Doctor Who assistant ever. Dreamt-up to make Sylvester McCoy look ‘hip’. She was called ‘Ace’. She wore a metal-plated baseball cap. Christ. Sophie Aldred’s career has never recovered.

10. Gaz Out Of Supergrass. Not content with musical mediocrity, unsuccessfully selling the Toyota Yaris or being turned-down for ‘background artist’ work on ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes’, Gareth is now going to grate you with this as well.

The obligatory big-name American star has yet to be confirmed, but Scott Martin “Wassup” Brooks who played the coveted role of “Dookie” in the tiresome Budweiser advertisement – you know, the really ‘funny’ one that featured a load of nobodies saying “wassup” until you relented and just bought some BEER – is rumoured to be in the frame.

Distressingly, some or all of the above may turn out to be true. Bruiser de Cadenet has also been said to have been sniffing around the set. You have been warned.

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Big Brother has always split the UK into two camps: Those that don’t like it and those that don’t watch it. And now that (Channel) Five have gone and bought it, many of us will wearily switch on our sets just to get angry for an hour every night.

And like the Big Brothers that came before it, this one has the usual ragtag of celebrities being linked to it before it airs.

The biggest name attached is Charlie Sheen, who was of interest some months ago because it looked like he was going to kill himself with his own madness. The whole world went on some kind of post-modern suicide watch, egging him on toward death, failing to show the required remorse until he actually joined the choir invisible. Alas, he went and fixed himself and went back to being a boring nobody. However, there is hope. We’ll use Michael Barrymore as our guide.

Thanks to the death of a certain Mr Lubbock in Barrymore’s swimming pool, he retreated away from the glare of the spotlight until he made his return to television in the Big Brother house.

Barrymore revealed himself to be a fragile, broken and at times, deeply unpleasant trainwreck of a man. It made for grim, fascinating viewing (especially the sparring matches with George ‘Pussy’ Galloway).

While some viewed it aghast, most people simply tuned and went ‘Hur hur, he’s a nutter’. This is the card now being played with Charlie Sheen.

See, Barrymore was off the sauce as is Sheeno (well, not the sauce, but rather, the expensive cocaine delivered by the suitcase load), which means we could well see someone unravelling before our eyes. Again.

And the ex-Two and a Half Men’er is understood to have agreed terms which will see him getting £6million to simply be himself and go slightly mad.

He could well be joined by The Only Way Is Essex skidmark Amy Childs, boxer Ricky Hatton and… wait for it…  the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.

Of course, there’s nothing confirmed yet apart from the likelihood that millions will tune in for Big Brother on the opening night before sloping away en-masse to do something entirely different.

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It’s not fair. The prospect of Channel 5’s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.

If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.

As if Kelly hadn’t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ‘When Love Takes Over’, to ‘When Bruv Takes Over’ for the new C5 trailer. It’s not fair.

Yet it was less than a year ago, where Nikki Grahame and co. were vacuum-packed into funeral outfits and gathered to mourn the death of Big Brother on a presumably better funded Channel 4 advert. Yet now she’s on Channel 5 – holding hands with a lesbian, like it’s the most natural thing in the world (anyone who says it is perfectly natural, ask yourself this: Have you ever seen a lesbian with hands? Didn’t think so).

So what now, they’re all just back? Back and apparently relevant to someone or other in the warped parallel universe? That’s not just slightly bad continuity, that’s Fast and the Furious bad continuity.

In a nutshell, the trailer basically features many people you simply didn’t want to see again,  marching down corridors wildly grinning at the cameras, fondling their orifices, like the good old days.

Some of the more interesting moments involve Chantelle and Alex Reid inserting their hands up each others rectums, (just in case you didn’t know they were a couple now) Kemal with the most beautiful set of breasts you’re ever likely to see on a human man, Mutya Buena, Eugene the Crying Virgin, Alex, the one that appeared on the Domestos adverts for a while (AND ALSO HIT AND KILLED A MAN IN HIS CAR ONCE, FACT FANS) and Ahmed, who is a man that once stood in a garden on National Television – screaming and throwing plates at people until he was forcibly removed from the building.

Just when you thought that you couldn’t be sobbing into your own, pruned, swollen skin quite hard enough, H FROM STEPS turns up to join in the action, striding alongside Michelle Bass like it’s bloody CD:UK or something.

So there it is. Big Brother is officially back whilst Fort Boyard lies dead, abandoned, and curdling in the corner. Justice is no longer a word.

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School children get six weeks off every year from school so they can generally sleep in all day and annoy the neighbours with their awful music. Channel 4 executives used to have it easy in the summer as night time due to Big Brother constantly pestering us all. TV during the summer consisted of nothing more than watching a group of people in a house and trying to work out how to cut an onion without crying. We were doing the same, but to our main arteries.

The first couple of series of Big Brother were pitched as experiments in order to see how people reacted in claustrophobic situations. As later series progressed, we got to see a woman shove a bottle up her love tunnel.

Channel 4 ditched the show in 2010 to inevitably bring back an updated version of Eurotrash. But this loss is a gain for Channel 5 who look set to bring the show back in the summer.

With Big Brother being removed from the Channel 4 schedule it means that they now have to broadcast programming that people over the mental age of fifteen want to watch. We hope that endless cookery specials won’t be broadcast that consist of Gordan Ramsay swearing at a slab of bacon until it cooks itself, or Jamie Oliver crying in a corner because he’s so bloody worthy.

Strangely enough, the buying of Big Brother has a strange echo of the current climate that faces most Premiership football clubs, bought by people with other business interests. Big Brother and The Daily Star newspaper are now part of the Richard Desomond empire, he’s a bloke who’ll use it as a personal play thing amongst other accessories that are involved with Endemol – the production company who make Big Brother.

The Daily Star newspaper isn’t really known for reporting news, instead more trivial matters are dedicated towards reality TV and who’s flashing their knickers when exiting a taxi. Therefore, we expect the newspaper to dedicate nothing but exclusives to the programme, easily attracting people more people hurriedly reading the story in the paper shop.

Already, The Daily Star Sunday are reporting of a celebrity based summer special where we’ll get to realise that the famous person we thought had died, hadn’t, and is simply down on their luck when it comes to finding work. Here are just some of the fantasy names that are being thrown being around when in reality; it’ll just be the dog that played Wellard in Eastenders:

“Top of the wanted list” for Channel 5′s Celebrity Big Brother was Mohamed al-Fayed, while “a big money offer” would be made to troubled US actor Charlie Sheen, with female targets including Amy Childs from The Only Way is Essex and Prince Harry’s “on-off girlfriend” Chelsy Davy.”

With the Charlie Sheen tour not proving to be the source of entertainment that many idiots thought it would be, getting him enclosed in a garish house could be a source of comedy. If the two ladies rumoured to be in the show featured, Charlie Sheen could set himself his own personal task of trying to add them to his tally of goddesses or whatever the hell he refers to them as.

At least narrator Marcus Bentley will get himself some work this summer cause countless members of the people to do poor impressions of the North-East accent.

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Once you boil it down, scrape away the gloss and remove the publicity and hype, Big Brother is nothing more than a glamorised version of prison. For a set period of time individuals are locked in to a room that feels like the size of a cupboard and are left to their own devices to entertain themselves before boredom kicks in.

Somehow, we don’t think collaborating prisoners with people on a reality show would work.
People who commit murder and other grisly acts are cast in to a secure unit where they can’t bother anyone ever again.

Strangely, there are some individuals that want to have this happen to them, all in the name of entertainment. Who can forget the tasteful moment of Kinga shoving a wine bottle up herself? John Logie Baird will have been glad his invention brought that image to millions of viewers. Despite Channel 4 letting go of their sinister summer show, Channel 5 are looking to give it a quick resurrection. Presumably so they can broadcast at least one show where they get over half a million viewers.

In the beginning, Big Brother wasn’t all about twelve people desperately baying for attention like young piglets fighting for their mother’s attention so they wouldn’t be disowned by the rest of the pack. Instead, the first couple of series were dubbed “social experiments” where viewers got to see the delightful consequence of watching strangers forced in to bizarre and often confrontational circumstances.

All because of a cash prize.

Basically, all we learnt that people can be fickle creatures who’ll go to any extent for a poxy TV show even if it means screwing everybody else over. Come the third series of the reality show and people auditioning for Big Brother weren’t interested in human psychology. Oh no, it was all about grabbing fame by the balls and waiting for fortune to spunk all over their faces.

Think about it, simply spending a few weeks in a house full of idiots could mean lucrative magazine deals and those involved in forged relationships could even bag a reality show.

Every year, the same sort of personalities emerged. They’d always be a girl who’d appear cute and innocent, but she’d actually have the intelligence of a millipede. Asking questions such as “what continent are we in?” and “does money grow on trees?” she’d be a source of some amusement before stating something utterly dim-witted about a Swastika looking like a funky brooch to pin on to a Topshop jumpsuit.

Elsewhere, we’d always have someone who’d like to “keep things real, honest and confront anyone who gets up in his shit.” Or, in other words, rude as shit.

If the programme was to be brought back kicking and screaming, it’s unsure if host Davina McCall would still be presenting. Some would say it would be a step backwards for her. However we argue that she currently points at fat people and tells them to lose weight. At least on Big Brother you got a range of characters from the egotistical to deluded.

As per normal, nobody can give the green light, with only an anonymous source telling Now Magazine:

“Talks started last year,’ says a Channel 5 insider. They didn’t get anywhere initially, but both sides kept in touch and discussions are most definitely back on again. The deal hasn’t been signed yet but top people are talking to each other. Watch this space.”

Fingers crossed that if the show goes ahead, we’ll be asked along and as part of a challenge and contestants will have to see how much abuse they can take as we scream at them through a megaphone.

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Basshunter, the lovable dance DJ behind such songs as ‘Now You’re Gone’ and… erm…  that other one he did, which seem designed to make your brain bleed with hate, has appeared in court in Kircaldy to deny two allegations of sexual assault.

That’s right, the man who followed Ronnie Wood’s former missus, Ekaterina Ivanova, around like a little lost puppy with a somewhat creepy look in his eye is alleged to have sexually assaulted a couple of girls in a nightclub in Fife.

Maybe she was right to keep him at arms length, mind you if you’d been allegedly battered by your ex you’d probably try to keep strange men at more than an arms length, just to be on the safe side.

You can’t help but feel sorry for Basshunter though, real name Jonas Erik Altberg, mainly because he was playing a gig in Fife. We here at hecklerspray aren’t big fans of Swedish dance music, but we did think that after his appearance on Celebrity Big Brother Basshunter would announce a residency at the O2 to rival fellow alleged sexual predator Michael Jackson.

But no, apparently not even reality TV could save the Basshunter or the profile of loud and annoying Swedish dance tunes in the UK, forcing him to go to places like Fife to find an audience.

This may not sound that bad, but have you ever been to Fife? No? Well, don’t, that’s hecklerspray’s top tip for the week, don’t go to Fife, it’s frequented by gropey DJs for one.

Basshunter will have to return to Fife at some point in the near future, where he is to take part in an identity parade. We can only imagine how bizarre that line up is going to be. Is it number 1? Number 2? Number 3, the one from Big Brother with the funny voice? Number 3, can you please sing the lyrics to the 2007 number 1 hit Now You’re Gone for us please?

Unconfirmed reports have stated that the UK government had been after Basshunter for some time as the artwork for his hit single Now You’re Gone was made up of thousands of top secret emails from Gordon Brown, asking Tony if he was ready to stand down yet.

We’re all eagerly awaiting Jemima Khan’s campaign to free him from this persecution.

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Big Brother has finished broadcasting in the UK and the only people panicking about its demise are the directors of Channel 4. What can they possibly commission to fill up E4 apart from looped footage of people snoring and repeats of Friends?

After every series, the same thing happens. Some of the girls get their waps out for a lad’s mag, a couple who met in the house pose for awkward photos and the rest of them end up touring clubs so drunk punters can leer at them.

Occasionally, a contestant sticks in the memory, usually for being gaspingly annoying and Nikki Grahame is one of those very people. Famed for throwing temper tantrums due to her own stupidity she has clung on to her Z-list status and is venturing in to new territories, with a stab at singing live. Yes, we’re scared too.

As far as we’re aware, Nikki Grahame doesn’t have a musical bone in her body. At best, she seems the sort who’ll get drunk from discounted supermarket wine and sing in to a hairbrush, occasionally poking herself in the eye with the bristles. The only time we witnessed her doing something music related was when she failed to switch on an MP3 player during a Big Brother task. Suffice to say, she couldn’t do this and play pre-loaded music. So the prospect of her singing live has “potential banana skin” written over it.

With enough musical tat in the charts at the moment, it seems that almost anyone can bag themselves a record deal. Thankfully, the A&R men of the world haven’t been seduced by her whiney voice to turn her in to a bad UK version of Kelly Clarkson. Instead, she’ll be doing cover versions all night, aka glamorised karaoke to any idiot who’s stupid enough to pay. We’ll let The Metro explain more:

“She’ll be covering Molly’s Chambers by Kings Of Leon, Music When The Lights Go Out by The Libertines and Someday by The Strokes – amongst other guitar band favourites – in the spirit of Radio 1’s Live Lounge.”

Like Radio 1’s Live Lounge, eh? Hmm, the only difference between Nikki Grahame and everyone who does the Live Lounge is that they have to suffer Fearne Cotton and they have a recognised music career. Nikki on the other hand doesn’t, so that PR spiel doesn’t quite wash with us.

But if you do fancy an evening of musical entertainment/comedy, then roll up to the following venues:

November 19th – The Assembly, Leamington Spa
November 20th – Mamma Jammas, Hereford
November 22nd – Freedom Bar, Soho, London
November 23rd – Talking Heads, Southampton

This also shows that people in the south have dreadful musical taste seeing she’s sticking to this part of the UK. If she’d toured around Manchester or Liverpool then her neck would have been slit with a smashed record from The Beetles, Bingo Wings or John McCartney.

XBox Kinect

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Big Brother is over kids and now, Channel 4 will be in a flap about what they can show in the summer of 2011. Knowing the broadcaster, they will opt for either flogging countless repeats of Friends, Come Dine With Me or Sex In the City.

Over the course of the time it was on our screens, the once social experiment has changed from the evolvement of human situation to peak time viewing of a woman/beast wanking herself off with a bottle.

Once Big Brother 2010 finished, the “ultimate” edition was launched. Basically, it was a chance for fame hungry ex contestants to throw themselves in the limelight before getting their tits out in Zoo Magazine. Again. Preston and Chantelle found love in the house, divorced in the real world and amazingly reunited back in the house. See where this is going?

It looks like these old flames saw a flickering light that could spark off a second romance, forcing their hearts to pump extra blood round the body and in to Preston’s flaccid member. And there’s a fine chance we’ll see it all unfurl on our screens all over again.

Fans of fly on the wall documentaries – or spying on couples in their tacky houses whilst they argue and brawl – has become a past time of ITV2. We’ve had Katie Price and Peter Andre and erm… Katie Price with Alex Reid. Funny, it’s like she’s going through men on reality shows like a drunk ploughs through kebabs.

On the flip side, MTV decided to give us all a glimpse in to the life of the human train wreck, otherwise known as Kerry Katona. Watching a distressed woman getting drunk, shouting at her husband, shouting at children and shouting at imaginary oompa lumpas did get a bit tiresome after a couple of weeks.

So here comes a refreshing break to this format, a glimpse of the fragile and possible relationship between a couple who have already milked the magazine market.

But there is a problem:

“Nothing will be decided until the two Big Brother stars have had a chance to talk in private and discuss whether there is a future for them as a couple. Inside the house, it was clear Chantelle hadn’t moved on from her split with Preston and she couldn’t take the pressure of being so close to her ex, breaking down in tears numerous times when talking about their time together.”

For God’s sake, we all know that this is another tie-in for ITV to frantically put something in the air that isn’t Fearne Cotton.

After giving us an incite in to the world of bell-end Perez Hilton, we can now see a couple forcefully united on national television and crumble before our eyes. If this isn’t the way forward for TV then let us lead the way in to jumping off bridges.

Alternatively ITV, just come and film the exciting world of hecklerspray writers. Here, you can see us shout abuse at pensioners who haven’t died and clog up the bus, survive on microwave meals and look for mistakes in porn films.

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Tonight, the doors close on Big Brother forever. Of course, Channel Five will pick it up, but let’s be frank – no-one is going to bother watching it over there. That said, if it’s anything like Touch the Truck or Back to Reality, it could make for incredible television. But it won’t.

Anyway. Big Brother is bowing out after taking up residence in our living rooms for a decade. Along the way, we’ve poured scorn over strangers who really, haven’t done anything wrong. All they’ve done is appear on TV and we failed to switch over.

Like all good media chumps, let’s have a nostalgic trot through the history of something because it is going away. Who knows, we might even find something nice to say about it before peppering you with cheap-shots.

When the show started, people gathered around their TV sets with a curious, slightly fearful look in their eye. Effectively, the minute it started broadcasting, we turned into that woman from Beadle’s About who thought an alien had landed on her lawn. Instead of shrieking and crying, we tentatively offered it a cup of tea and, of course, it was too late. It had its hooks in us.

And for reasons unclear to absolutely everyone, we continued to tune in. Even when we didn’t watch the show for weeks on end, there was still a knowledge of what was going on.

Braying, hooting simpletons have continually lambasted the programme like it was damaging the Earth somehow. It was as if Channel 4 had sprayed faeces at the Sistine Chapel ceiling and started to write “LOL” in it with piss. You see, the problem wasn’t ever that it made stupid people wealthy. If that were the case, we’d never watch a football game ever again and nor would be listen to a single piece of music for as long as we lived. And nor was it a problem of making famous people out of the talentless… if that were the case, we’d be rounding up lottery winners and beating them unconscious with a rubber hose.

No. The problem with Big Brother is that it reminded dinner-party nitwits that some people fart their way around the house and are irrational, idiotic and cry for absolutely no reason. Essentially, Big Brother was the living embodiment of someone crying at the foot of the stairs after inadvisedly drinking gin all night. If Big Brother is crap, it’s because humans are crap.

Which in fairness, we are. Every stinking one of us.

However, human beings can be funny and charming too. Big Brother has had some real moments of loveliness that you don’t get on any other show. The moment Nadia felt accepted by a people who she thought would ridicule her was a moment that we Brits should be inordinately pleased about. Such is the diversity of the Big Brother winner list, we can breath a sigh of relief that, despite what the newspapers say, we’re not a country filled with people who hate people who aren’t white or puke out homophobic remarks every two seconds. Big Brother showed us all that we like people, regardless.

Of course, Big Brother has been as ugly as a wicked sister. The Jade Goody race-row was grim from top-to-bottom, not least, the way in which the media responded in kind. It’s strange to think that a relatively ordinary girl’s slip of the tongue can see her hounded by a nation, but the press is far less keen to gang up on groups like the EDL who are guilty of far worse. Momentarily, Big Brother is so painfully honest that we wince in its presence.

But who wants to see endless footage of people sleeping throughout the night? Right? You’re saying that it’s more nauseating than watching words flicker by, soundtracked by lite-jazz on Nightscreen? The fact is, Big Brother really worked when people were at their best and worst, just like real life. Of course, it’s edited to shit, but so is life. You remember only the bad things about your exes… you tell people about the wanker in the office, forgetting to mention the fact he’s done loads of charity work.

The show taps into our need to spy on people to see what they’re like. Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably the kind of person who resents the existence of Twitter and Facebook because, y’know, people like talking to each other and see what they’re up to. It enables us to stalk strangers from afar because we’re a nosey, flawed species. While it may have turned us on ourselves on occasion, it only served to show that really, we all like sitting in windows and watching people walk by. Even if they’re complete tools. You can’t moan about the rain when it makes the grass so green.

So, when the show bows out tonight and declares an arbitrary winner, don’t mutter ‘thank fuck for that’ because only an idiot would watch a show, just to make sure it goes away. Instead, thrill at how weird it has been. It could have been a better acquaintance for the most part, but no-one ever remembers the boring, straight-laced kids from school. Big Brother has been a godsend to those who like to mouth “What… the… f…” at the strange goings on of the world.

Big Brother, it is most definitely the right time to go and die under a hedge like a sick-cat, but thank-you. Thank-you for providing us with Vern Troyer singing badly with Ulrika; thanks for ruining the career of George Galloway; thanks for giving us Marcus Bentley’s funny voice; thanks for showing us Nasty Nick attacking an assault course with all the grace of a swan landing on a frozen pond… and er… not so much the whole ‘shagging teenagers’ thing on Teen Big Brother. That was horrible. Not to mention that business with Kinga. Terrible.

Anyway, it’s time you were gone. Go and stick a crown on someone’s head and we’ll bid each other farewell. You strange, flawed and occasionally wonderful slice of British culture.

Go on.

Piss off.

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