Omens. Omens are what alarmingly superstitious people look for as they bounce eagerly from bad situation to bad situation. People who believe the old hokum about black cats and ladders invariably lay traps for themselves, only to be surprised when they fall into them, screaming in metaphorical agony. These are the people that don’t make jokes about Friday The 13th because they’re too busy wrapping themselves up in bubble wrap to protect them from the oncoming apocalypse of minor misfortune.

These people need us- the non-believers- to show them how good life can be away from omens, faeries, bad luck and fishwives’ tales. They need us to lampoon and mock the beliefs that they hold as fervently as an evangelical Christian holds onto a fading belief in a benevolent creator. We need to be out there, dancing jigs under ladders, crossing swords with black cats and breaking mirrors over the heads of Arch-Bishops.

We need to show people that you make your own luck and believing in omens and superstition will only lead you to dash yourself against the rocks of life! Unless they’re right of course. In which case, those of you who just threw your mobile phones at a mirror on my command might be in for a bit of a tough time.

The only evidence I can find which backs up the theory of ‘bad luck’ can be found in advertising. All the tales you’ve been told about the man who walked under a ladder only to have his house burn down at the same time are probably true but then again, he probably left the chip pan on while he went to clean his windows. All of these things are twisted and made into advertising gimmicks but what if there was one person who was the unluckiest person on earth. What would you turn their story into?

How do you twist the story of someone who is so monumentally unlucky that the cloud of bad fortune that hangs around them can be seen from Uranus’ orbit into something that can be enjoyed by all and sell a few of your shoddy wares in the process?

It’s easy!

Take Noah. He must be the unluckiest bastard in all of creation. Not only did he wake up one day to find that everyone on earth except him had been judged as unrighteous by bloody GOD himself, he was then forced to build an ark using only a flimsy set of IKEA instructions and an allan key. Does divine intervention and losing your local haberdasher to moral corruption qualify him as the unluckiest man in the world? No, probably not but having to fill his flat-pack boat with the world’s most dangerous creatures definitely bloody does.

The poor bastard was left to deal with the mountains of crap and carcasses left behind by the animals in his biblical supertanker without as much as a by your leave from the big bearded bastard in the sky. They’d have been eating each other, shitting all over one-another and generally making Noah’s life a living hell. So yes, he is the most unlucky person in history*.

Until now!

Advertising has jumped in and reminded us that while Noah may have been unlucky, at least his ark was fit for purpose. Unlike the poor git in the latest Lynx commercial.

You’re probably sitting there dumbfounded that I’ve managed to go through 600 words of a column about Lynx and not mention either the brand or the fact that it’s the sexist preserve of hormonal teenagers that have an innate desire to smell like vapourised cat vomit but that’s not the point! You all knew that anyway. I bet some of you occasionally walk past a group of teenage boys and make some flippant comment about the smell of Lynx and stale farts- and that’s okay.

Usually, I’d go for that angle as well but Friday 13th got me thinking about luck and how little luck this modern day Noah is having. There he is, given the task to build an ark and GOD hasn’t even given him any instructions, let alone the sacred Allan Key of Antioch that he gave Noah. He’s having to make it up with a rudimentary pencil carved out of the wood he’s being forced to work ON HIS OWN without the use of the flatpack Ark that Noah had.

It’s no wonder that he ends up with something that resembles an ocean-going pleasure yacht instead of a good, sturdy biblical ark.

The poor guy has done what any of us would do and modelled it on something he was familiar with. Will there be space for all the animals in there? Only time will tell. It’s not only that though, he’s clearly gone for comfort over substance with his tilled-wood interior and convenient fireman’s pole to allow him easy access between decks. He’s not leaving enough space to fit the animals in. No cages either. How will he keep the predators apart from their prey?!

I’m sure he has it all in hand. After all, this is GOD’s chosen man. The man who will lead all the creatures of this earth out of the darkness of the apocalypse and into a new world. A better world. A world populated by people descended from this brave but unlucky man. We should welcome the forthcoming apocalypse with open arms if this man is to make us better.

It’s no wonder he’s feeling a bit warm. He’s worked up one hell of a sweat working all that wood in time for the world ending. Having a spray of deodorant before the animals start to come isn’t going to make any difference, is it? Unfortunately for our plucky hero, all the shops had sold out of real anti-perspirant and he was forced to pick up a can of Lynx. Still, no matter. There will be no people to react to his smell of vapourised cat vomit where he’s going.

Here’s where our story comes to an end though, perhaps with the most unlucky element of all. It’s a well-known scientific fact that women cannot resist the smell of Lynx and will actively seek it out across continents if they have to. It’s not this man’s fault that he had to buy that can of Lynx. He’s going on to the birth of a new world, of course he needs some home comforts. Now his ark is suddenly full of beautiful women, attracted by the smell of his body tonic.

What is he supposed to do? Turn them away? The ark can very easily be converted to house people and the animals haven’t bothered to walk the lengths of themselves to join him. He tried to resurrect the world as we know it but was left with a giant wooden boat full of women that will eventually turn against him when ‘The Lynx Effect’ wears off and the can lies empty. He needed two of every animal but he didn’t get them. He failed GOD and when the waters subsided, he was left a broken shell of a man, completely ruined by his failure to create a new world.

The unluckiest person in the world stands, crestfallen, on the deck of that ark: make no mistake.

*Mythical history, that is. It’s a long-established fact that the unluckiest person in history is Adam Rickett.

When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.

Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.

And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.

See, Leona is tired of being called ‘boring’ by people like us.

She knows that she’s quieter (not when she’s booming out some gut-spasming ballad, again) and less risque than pop stars like Lady GaGa, Rihanna and Daniel O’Donnell… hell… she probably knows that she’s less risque than a single, lonely glove, curling around around a fence post in the rain.

However, she thinks she has other things to offer to fans of her music.

“I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not boring. Unless you know me, I don’t really care about your opinions. I couldn’t care less.”

“Lady Gaga does her crazy thing and she is great. I definitely have something different to offer. I’m all about the music and songs.”

Get that? She’s all about the music and the songs. So has she got some of the greatest songwriters in the universe to pen hits for her?

Step forward Ne-Yo and Jessie J.

Jesus. What a boring, boring bore she izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Oh look! It’s Valentine’s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, “I WUV U.”

If you’re a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that’s what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.

But how to set the mood? A meal that isn’t microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you’re a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.

Don’t worry, she isn’t launching a vibrator with her horsey face etched on to the tip or launching a brand of condoms like JLS.

Leona Lewis can officially take the title of the “most played love song.” So, when raiding your CD or vinyl collection for a song to play during your three minutes of shagging, don’t put Sexual Healing on, rather, play Bleeding Love as it will definitely make any sexual act a billion times more romantic and that includes the swapping of STI’s.

Now we know what you’re thinking how can a song called Bleeding Love be given such an honour? After all, the song is essentially about periods. We only thought that someone with an extreme fetish involving blood would find that vaguely arousing. But no, this poll wasn’t picked by the public, but by an organisation called the PPL. The Press Association reports:

“Her 2007 single Bleeding Love tops a list of recordings played in public, including radio and shops, featuring the word love in the title. Figures released by airplay royalties’ body PPL show that one in 15 songs given a public airing has a name featuring “love” or variations.”

Let’s dissect this a little shall we?

Basically any song with the word love in the title stood a potential chance of being included on this list. That’s great, but we all know that the other people making up the list weren’t given a helping hand by karaoke competition X-Factor; all mastered by evil musical puppeteer Simon Cowell. As soon as she won the show, the song flooded TV & radio, forcing everyone to listen to her squeal about monthly cycle.

Other rubbish songs on the list include The Feeling’s 2006 song Love It When You Call. Spiller and Sophie Ellis Bextor’s single Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love) ranking third in the list.

Basically, it’s the second popularity contest she’s won really. On X-Factor Leona Lewis was crowned the winner for having all the charm, charisma and personality of a mushed-up paper bag. Being played the most on the TV/radio pretty much means that you should reward the person who gets the hashtag #cake trending on Twitter. Go on do that today, just to see if we make it popular enough to confuse everyone.

We’re sad that a decent love song didn’t get to number one in the list. Ape man Richard Keys has also angered us. He’s failed to see Valentine’s Day as a chance to release to his own romantic card with the heart warming message, “I’d Like To Smash You.”

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There are obvious differences between men and women. Once the smuttier of you look beyond the bouncing boobies or the swinging willies, things take a sinister, much darker path. Men are seen as the dominant aggressor with males receiving higher salaries and gaining more power in the company food chain.

This train of thought dilutes to almost everywhere in society. Pop music constantly sees women having to reinvent themselves so they maintain an audience, or as it’s known, the male gaze.

Do The Saturdays want to prance around in the knickers or sing catchy songs? We’ll never know, but we doubt Loaded Magazine haven’t offered Bob Dylan a shoot in sexy French lingerie. With Rihanna and Britney Spears already make an effort to keep up with Lady Gaga; it was the turn for Leona Lewis to look edgy and cool at the premier of Justin Bieber’s recent film. Even though she has the X-Factor PR monster behind her, it didn’t stop the Bleeding Love singer looking stupid.

It would be weird to think that, after the whole Sky Sports fiasco involving the two ape men, everyone would be treated as some sort of ridiculous equal. But this won’t be happening anytime soon, especially given the fragile state of the world.

Somewhere, probably in an industrial estate near Glasgow, a factory churns out fresh faced girls who aspire to be singers, dancers and models. They are the sort of people who are high on life, laughing off stepping in dog muck and hug passers-by in the street, telling them how lovely their hair looks. Basically, these people are ready to pounce and replace any existing pop star who does something moronic or decides to shun the corporate script their record label gave them to follow – just like at The Sugababes.

All female musicians seemingly go through a time warp of transitions. Rihanna for example is the latest starlet to be transformed from cute and innocent girl to a sex ravaged, bondage mad electro starlet in the latest video for S&M. For a woman who was publicly assaulted by R&B bucktooth Chris Brown, we fail to see that Rihanna would want to actively engage in an activity where consenting couples or strangers beat the shit out of each other with whips, belts and whisks attached to drainpipes.

But then again, it’s okay to do this – sex sells so Rihanna will get a number one song. Hooray, for her, it doesn’t matter about the impressionable nine year old girl who’ll think it’s perfectly normal to ask her mother for a trip to Ann Summers so she can purchase her first pair of PVC knickers and love eggs.

Men don’t have to constantly evolve their image when releasing new albums. When they do, results aren’t pretty and the vibe given off is one of “what a pretentious prick.” Razorlight recently showed what happened when you let a stylist dress you as a Victorian living in Mexico. If only record companies had pushed some of their bands to do something more than dire dross. Oasis wouldn’t have then released multiple albums that sounded like outtakes of Definitely Maybe.

It’s strange that Leona Lewis continues to be a pop star. Anything less than first place in X-Factor would have forced her in to a life of dressing as a giant hamburger and singing to children, subsequently brainwashing them that the food they’re guzzling is nutritious and won’t cause obesity. To a degree, she’s doing that now really, singing a load of ballads or cover versions that have the same charm as a bucket full of seal eyes. People cheer and froth at the mouth like she’s a musical genius and has done something amazing like conduct an orchestra with the baton wedged in her buttocks.

Public appearances for the singer are rare, so when Leona Lewis does appear, grabbing the attention from someone like Christina Aguilera is a must. By crikey we’re proud to say that she did this. Now it wasn’t done through placing a curse on Justin Bieber or urinating in the punch bowl. No, she wore a massive trout pout across her chest. Metro explains more:

“The top which she designed herself featured a sheer section onto which the hot pink lips were attached to cover her modesty. Leona combined this with a black high-wasted pencil skirt and grey heels. “

Basically, it looked like she was inviting you to kiss her boobs, all before getting you done for naughty touching. If she’d consulted us, we’d have given her a pantomime horse’s outfit. She’s permanently got the look of a hose attached to her gormless face.

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Do you know what’s fascinating about Leona Lewis? Nothing of course. In terms of phenomena, she’s like ‘that funny noise the fridge makes’ – something you’re vaguely aware of but couldn’t ever really have a strong feeling about.

Or so we thought, because look out world – Leona Lewis has been lying her expressionless face off.

You know how she ‘weally wuvs animwals’ and is a public supporter of PETA? To the extent that she almost caused a mutiny among her road-crew the other month for insisting they all refrain from eating meat – surely the least interesting way to upset anyone ever?

If she were insisting they subsist on a diet comprising only of fairy’s wings and the tears of children THAT would be interesting. But the non-meat-eating thing – Christ – that’s up there with Paul McCartney and Gwyneth Paltrow in the ‘things you couldn’t care less about’ stakes.

Anyway, the world was practically knocked off it’s axis by recent reports that Leona has said

“I don’t like evil cats.”

Correct us if we’re wrong, but cats are animals aren’t they? This shockingly out-of-character statement was prompted by a recent unprovoked attack. Not like that one in the bookshop when that bloke patiently queued for 90 minutes for the opportunity to hilariously lamp her one.

But an attack by a cat!

As Leona harrowingly describes it

“A cat jumped on me the other week. They scare me. It hissed and scratched my legs – I didn’t know what to do! It was an evil cat.”

Jesus Christ! It actually jumped on her and stuff! That poor woman. That poor, non-animal-loving sphinx-faced lying woman. The PR machine surrounding Leona has previously been so efficient at suppressing any sign of any character traits whatsoever that we really don’t know what to believe after this shocking event.

We preferred it when she was just giving interviews on T4 so tedious that the viewer could never really be sure they hadn’t actually fallen asleep and were just dreaming about a boring interview. This hurricane of ‘not liking’ things and having an ‘inconsistent stance on animals’ has blown our minds.

Oh stuff it we give up. We couldn’t make this woman seem interesting if we tried. And we just have.

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Khloe Kardashian would rather go naked than wear fur, but it’s important not to confuse Khloe Kardashian with her sister Kim.

Because, while Khloe Kardashian would rather go naked than wear fur, Kim Kardashian would rather go naked, set up a video camera, roll around on a bed and boff a man whose tongue looks like it’s being remotely-controlled by a man from The Henson Company than wear fur.

But still, nice try. Meanwhile, some dogs have just started an ‘I’d rather be bludgeoned to death for my fur inside an abandoned Chinese warehouse than see Khloe Kardashian’s arse again’ campaign. Unrelated, we’re sure.

The fur trade is almost as old as humanity itself – with fur first being used to provide vital warmth for man’s earliest ancestors, and then as clothing for the likes of pimps, various queens of Narnia and genuinely awful rich women. And the fur trade is still going strong, despite decades of protest by activists concerned about the awful conditions in which the animals are kept and killed.

But today is the day that the fur trade dies.

Over the years, PETA has experimented with making famous people take their clothes off for its ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ campaign. But no matter who got naked – supermodels, film actresses, actresses who used to do films but don’t do much now and idiots – the fur trade carried on regardless.

But now, finally, PETA has understood exactly who needs to get naked to put an end to this barbarism – the less-famous sister of a woman who’s sole claim to marginal fame is that she had sex on the internet and her dad’s a lawyer or something. Khloe Kardashian, the animals thank you for saving their lives. People reports:

Move over, Kim Kardashian. Your famous rear end may have some competition – from your little sister. In a new anti-fur ad for PETA, Keeping Up with the Kardashians costar Khloe Kardashian disrobes and shows off her posterior. Next to the star, 24, is the tagline “Fur? I’d Rather Go Naked.”

It’s thought that Khloe Kardashian decided to go naked for PETA to try and shame her sister Kim Kardashian, who is still an avowed fur-wearer. But that’s not the only reason, of course – Khloe Kardashian also went naked for fur because it’d get her talked about and, as such, she was also prepared to take her clothes off for the following campaigns:

‘I’d rather go naked than buy ivory’.

‘I’d rather go naked than illegally traffic a prostitute in from Albania’.

‘I’d rather go naked than drop-kick a squirrel into a threshing machine’.

‘I’d rather go naked than give a dog a Chinese burn.’

‘I’d rather go naked than something to do with deforestation’.

‘I’d rather go naked than punch a cow in the jaw.’

‘I’d rather go naked than eat, frankly. Or sleep. I love getting naked, so long as it’s for a good cause. Or a bad cause. Or no cause at all. I’ll get famous if I do this, right? What if I jiggle my tits around?’

Anyway, the sight of Khloe Kardashian naked will definitely get the fur trade on the run. If they know what’s good for them they’ll stop killing animals immediately, because as soon as Khloe convinces her sister to do the same, there’ll be trouble. After all, everyone knows that Kim Kardashian’s vagina is essentially a swirling vortex that nothing can ever escape, not even light, once it’s unleashed.

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It can’t be easy to come up with new names for animals all the time.

Thousands of new creatures are uncovered every year, and scientists only have so many dogs and kids to inspire them.

So why not delve into the murky world of celebrity? Why not name a new type of predator after your favourite band? Why not christen a new species of maggot after your least favourite? In fact, back in Hecklerspray HQ we have discovered a new type of fungus growing out of one of our unwashed cups. Please free to write in with your suggestions, but at the moment we are leaning towards Sting or Elizabeth Hurley.

1. Neil Young
Have you ever associated trapdoor spiders with peace and justice? No, us neither. But when US biologist James Bond (yes, that really is his name) discovered a new type of arachnid, he felt compelled to call it after his favourite musician Neil Young. Why? “Because I have a great appreciation for him as an activist for peace and justice,” was his reply, after naming his eight-legged discovery Myrmekiaphilia neilyoungi. We don’t know about you, but this seems like a wasted opportunity. We love Neil Young, but if you are going to name an animal after him, shouldn’t it have been a llama or at least something which smells and looks like a tramp as pissed on it?

2. Sting
Now, this is another wasted opportunity, as far as we are concerned. We can think of a thousand disgusting things we would like to name Sting. But in 1994, a scientist – in recognition of the ‘singer’s’ ceaseless campaigning to save the rainforests – named a new type of Colombian tree frog after him. Now we love frogs here at Hecklerspray, but if a Hyla stingi comes anyway near our vicinity it will die – horribly. Harsh? Maybe. But it ain’t easy being green, and, besides, it probably has a really annoying croak.

3. George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld
Now, this is more like it. We can’t think of a better trio to name after slime-mould beetles. Apparently, Agathidium bushi, A cheneyi and A rumsfeldi are suing for defamation.

4. Boris Becker
Let’s face it, the German tennis star has always been a bit slimy. So when a new kind of sea snail was found in 1996, the scientist knew just the celebrity to name it after. Apparently, Bufonaria borisbeckeri is also a well-known shagger.

5. Elvis Presley
We can’t believe an Elvis-mad scientist actually managed to get away with calling a new wasp he discovered in 1994 after his favourite song. Its name? Preseucoila imallshookupis .

6. The Ramones
Four new arthropod fossils were discovered in 1997 and named after the members of the US punk band.
Feel free to insert your own jokes about Mackenziurus johnnyi, Mjoeyi, M deedeei amd M ceejayi.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger
In 2002, a carapid beetle was named Agra schwarzeneggeri because of its particularly impressive bicep-like middle leg section. Should have gone for Linford Christie.

Source: ShortList magazine

Brigitte Bardot is living proof that not only do pretty girls eventually lose their looks, but they also go a bit batty and racist sometimes as well.

That’s because dear old Brigitte Bardot, the woman who entranced the world with her earthy sensuality all those years ago, has just been convicted for provoking discrimination and racial hatred for the fifth time in 11 years, after she published a letter claiming that Muslims are destroying France because they don’t kill sheep properly.

Brigitte Bardot, you’ll remember, was the star of the 1958 movie And God Created Women, a movie that’s soon to be re-released to DVD with the title And God Created One Specific Woman Although He Sort Of Regrets It Every Time She Opens Her Shrapnel-Filled Gob, The Witchy Old Nutter.

It’s often said that beautiful people don’t have to develop personalities because their lovely faces mean they don’t have to try as hard as the rest of us. But Brigitte Bardot is clearly the exception to the rule – she’s developed quite a strong personality. Admittedly it’s the personality of a loopy old reactionary racist who surrounds herself with animals but, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

And make no mistake – Brigitte Bardot does love animals. Whenever the time calls for any sort of animal rights activism, be it Canadian seal hunting or people eating horses, Bardot can always be found at the fore, trying to change the world with her political ideals and her violently yellow teeth.

In fact, Brigitte Bardot loves all of Earth’s creatures. Unless they happen to be, you know, brown. Because Brigitte Bardot enjoys nothing more than to wail angrily about them until she’s been repeatedly convicted of inciting racial hatred. Which, by chance, has just happened again.

It’s all to do with sheep, you see. Brigitte Bardot was conviced for provoking discrimination and racial hatred and fined 15,000 Euros for publishing a letter she wrote to Nicholas Sarkozy that was all “I’ve had it with these Muslims coming over here, taking all our jobs and slaughtering our sheep in accordance with their own religious beliefs.” E! Online reports:

“I’ve had enough of being led by the nose by this population that is destroying us, destroying our country by imposing its acts.” Bardot, a longtime and ardent animal rights advocate, was particularly referring to the Muslim feast of Aid el-Kebir, which is celebrated by slaughtering sheep. In her letter, she argued that Muslims should stun the animals before slaughtering them. The 73-year-old singer-actress sent the letter to Sarkozy back in December 2006 and subsequently published it in her foundation’s quarterly journal.

So that’s that. Brigitte Bardot has been convicted and fined – she was spared the two months in jail that she could have received – and she’s definitely learned her lesson once and for all. For around 2.2 years, anyway, which is the next time she’s scheduled to be racially dubious to an illegal degree.

Still, let’s not be completely down on Brigitte Bardot – she still has an awful lot going for her. For instance, she’s easily one of the easiest racists to masturbate to, along with Tintin and the bloke out of Seinfeld.

And what she said wasn’t that bad, really – it’s not as if she wore a racist scarf during a doughnut commercial, was it? They’re the bastards we should really go after.

How does PETA do it? It's seen more A grade celebrity chuff than Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty and John Leslie combined.

The latest to join PETA’s hareem is X Factor’s second-freshest regurgitation Leona Lewis, who is going to take off all her clothes, including her bra and pants – thus rendering her naked – and pose for a photograph in a classy way, like how a lady might, or in other words, pose for a photograph in a way that demands a bit too much magic-eye effort from the masturbator to be regarded as porn. According to The Sun, a source close to Leona said:

“She’s hugely proud to have been asked. She’s a strict vegetarian so it’s a cause close to her heart.”

The list of girls who have posed for PETA’s 'I’d rather go naked than wear fur' campaign is a bona fide success story for boners; Eva Mendes, Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano, all of them naked as the day they were born, only more fully formed and adult-like; it’s an image so mind-swimmingly distracting that you can almost forget how forgettable these people’s careers have been – almost – whilst trying not to jettison on to the half gorged panda burger sitting beside your laptop.

Agreeing to work in conjunction with PETA comes with some baggage though, because you also have to work with in conjunction with PETA founder, Ingrid Newkirk, who says things like:

“When it comes to pain, love, joy, loneliness, and fear, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. Each one values his or her life and fights the knife.”

A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. And it all becomes clear that PETA, which undeniably makes some interesting points that we’d all do well to analyse are, in the end, are not necessarily in the best interests of humankind. Unless you think humans would benefit by allowing rats the same freedoms that we allow ourselves, like jury-duty and garbage collection, for example.

Also, If any of you beautiful hecklerspray readership are wondering – and you probably are – as you’re by now totally bored of guessing if today’s Britney news will be ‘vagina, wig or kids?’, if you guys were wondering; ‘why don’t dogs get the vote?’ well, you are in luck, because PETA has put forward the following theory, which can be found on its website:

‘Animals don’t always have the same rights as humans because their interests are not always the same as ours, and some rights would be irrelevant to animals. For instance, a dog doesn’t have an interest in voting and, therefore, doesn’t have the right to vote because that right would be as meaningless to a dog as it is to a child’

That’s why they don’t vote, because they’re not interested. It would be irrelevant, guys! It is one thing we’ll always have on them though. As they’re barking for better kennels, we can smile politely in public whilst screwing them over in the polling booths, just like women and black men before them. The white man always wins! Sorry, ignore that.

Ok PETA, listen up, because here is what you really need to do, alright? Instead of getting these young females to, one by one, strip off for a picture that’ll do nothing more than raise a few phallus’ and a tiny bit of awareness, which at most will achieve a few thousand more hits for your website, you need to do this:

Focus your attention on one sector of your hate, for example, Tesco and its involvement in battery farming. Round up all these girls together, Leona, Eva, the Christinas and the rest, and march them up to Tesco HQ to speak to Lord Dick King Tesco, or whatever his name is, and say “Look, Mr Tesco, if you promise to stop battery farming hens, we will all make love to you and each other now”. That would be it! Job done. Move on to Sainsburys.

So you can do that, or just keep on giving these girls photo ops to help further stretch their elastic careers, whilst Leona Lewis and the battery chickens just ‘Keep keep bleedin, Keep keep bleedin’ a darkness into our eternal soul.

You have been warned.

Read more:

Leona Lewis' strip fur animals - The Sun 

Eva Mendes doesn't love animals as much as a normal person does, you know – Eva Mendes loves animals so much that she's compelled to get her bum out for them quite a lot.

Animal rights group PETA has just revealed Ghost Rider star Eva Mendes as the latest face, spine and bare arse of its 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' campaign, in an effort to show the world how foolish and disgusting people who do wear fur-based clothing are. So – on the basis that Eva Mendes will stop being naked when the inhumane fur trade realises how cruel and irresponsible it's being – we're going to outside, chop up a monkey with a pair of scissors and turn it into a nice pair of furry slacks.

When Eva Mendes was at her very first movie premiere, her stylist sent her big fur wrap that we believe was made of a mixture of Lassie, Benji, Black Beauty and the hairiest parts of Free Willy. This, like most things, got animal rights group PETA all narked off, and they sent Eva Mendes a letter telling her what a gigantic bitch she was being.

Eva Mendes learnt her lesson there and then, and a beautiful friendship was struck up between the actress and the red-eyed animal-protectors. Now, several years later, Eva Mendes has decided to repay the compliment by taking off her blouse and covering up her boobies with her hands. For the animals.

Following similar campaigns by Alicia Silverstone and Sadie Frost, Eva Mendes has become the latest star to try and encourage people to wear less fur by going naked. It's thought that Eva's naked campaign will be more successful than the others because – unlike Alicia Silverstone – people have heard of her, and – unlike Sadie Frost – people don't dislike her so much that they'll skin a chinchilla just to spite her.

But just how much does Eva Mendes love animals? Quite a bloody lot as it happens, because in the accompanying PETA Q&A, Eva reveals all. Emotionally, that is. We're not talking about her tits this time:

"We Own The Night is a crime thriller set in the late 1980s about two brothers on opposite sides of the law. I play the girlfriend of Joaquin Phoenix, a manager for a club involved with the Russian Mafia, whose brother (played by Mark Wahlberg) is a cop targeting the Mafia for drug involvement. It's a great cast, and it was such a thrill to play opposite actors like Joaquin, Mark, and Robert Duvall."

No, wait, that's the part of the PETA Q&A where Eva Mendes shamelessly promotes her new film. Oh well, there's another bit in it where she says faux fur is quite good. Trust us.

And if you think Eva Mendes loves animals a lot now, just wait until you see her in We Own The Night – she actually puts her fingers in her fanny right at the beginning. For the animals.

Read more:

Eva Mendez Reveals All – The PETA Files