Because, while Khloe Kardashian would rather go naked than wear fur, Kim Kardashian would rather go naked, set up a video camera, roll around on a bed and boff a man whose tongue looks like it’s being remotely-controlled by a man from The Henson Company than wear fur.

But still, nice try. Meanwhile, some dogs have just started an ‘I’d rather be bludgeoned to death for my fur inside an abandoned Chinese warehouse than see Khloe Kardashian’s arse again’ campaign. Unrelated, we’re sure.

The fur trade is almost as old as humanity itself – with fur first being used to provide vital warmth for man’s earliest ancestors, and then as clothing for the likes of pimps, various queens of Narnia and genuinely awful rich women. And the fur trade is still going strong, despite decades of protest by activists concerned about the awful conditions in which the animals are kept and killed.

But today is the day that the fur trade dies.

Over the years, PETA has experimented with making famous people take their clothes off for its ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ campaign. But no matter who got naked – supermodels, film actresses, actresses who used to do films but don’t do much now and idiots – the fur trade carried on regardless.

But now, finally, PETA has understood exactly who needs to get naked to put an end to this barbarism – the less-famous sister of a woman who’s sole claim to marginal fame is that she had sex on the internet and her dad’s a lawyer or something. Khloe Kardashian, the animals thank you for saving their lives. People reports:

Move over, Kim Kardashian. Your famous rear end may have some competition – from your little sister. In a new anti-fur ad for PETA, Keeping Up with the Kardashians costar Khloe Kardashian disrobes and shows off her posterior. Next to the star, 24, is the tagline “Fur? I’d Rather Go Naked.”

It’s thought that Khloe Kardashian decided to go naked for PETA to try and shame her sister Kim Kardashian, who is still an avowed fur-wearer. But that’s not the only reason, of course – Khloe Kardashian also went naked for fur because it’d get her talked about and, as such, she was also prepared to take her clothes off for the following campaigns:

‘I’d rather go naked than buy ivory’.

‘I’d rather go naked than illegally traffic a prostitute in from Albania’.

‘I’d rather go naked than drop-kick a squirrel into a threshing machine’.

‘I’d rather go naked than give a dog a Chinese burn.’

‘I’d rather go naked than something to do with deforestation’.

‘I’d rather go naked than punch a cow in the jaw.’

‘I’d rather go naked than eat, frankly. Or sleep. I love getting naked, so long as it’s for a good cause. Or a bad cause. Or no cause at all. I’ll get famous if I do this, right? What if I jiggle my tits around?’

Anyway, the sight of Khloe Kardashian naked will definitely get the fur trade on the run. If they know what’s good for them they’ll stop killing animals immediately, because as soon as Khloe convinces her sister to do the same, there’ll be trouble. After all, everyone knows that Kim Kardashian’s vagina is essentially a swirling vortex that nothing can ever escape, not even light, once it’s unleashed.

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Thousands of new creatures are uncovered every year, and scientists only have so many dogs and kids to inspire them.

So why not delve into the murky world of celebrity? Why not name a new type of predator after your favourite band? Why not christen a new species of maggot after your least favourite? In fact, back in Hecklerspray HQ we have discovered a new type of fungus growing out of one of our unwashed cups. Please free to write in with your suggestions, but at the moment we are leaning towards Sting or Elizabeth Hurley.

1. Neil Young
Have you ever associated trapdoor spiders with peace and justice? No, us neither. But when US biologist James Bond (yes, that really is his name) discovered a new type of arachnid, he felt compelled to call it after his favourite musician Neil Young. Why? “Because I have a great appreciation for him as an activist for peace and justice,” was his reply, after naming his eight-legged discovery Myrmekiaphilia neilyoungi. We don’t know about you, but this seems like a wasted opportunity. We love Neil Young, but if you are going to name an animal after him, shouldn’t it have been a llama or at least something which smells and looks like a tramp as pissed on it?

2. Sting
Now, this is another wasted opportunity, as far as we are concerned. We can think of a thousand disgusting things we would like to name Sting. But in 1994, a scientist – in recognition of the ’singer’s’ ceaseless campaigning to save the rainforests – named a new type of Colombian tree frog after him. Now we love frogs here at Hecklerspray, but if a Hyla stingi comes anyway near our vicinity it will die – horribly. Harsh? Maybe. But it ain’t easy being green, and, besides, it probably has a really annoying croak.

3. George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld
Now, this is more like it. We can’t think of a better trio to name after slime-mould beetles. Apparently, Agathidium bushi, A cheneyi and A rumsfeldi are suing for defamation.

4. Boris Becker
Let’s face it, the German tennis star has always been a bit slimy. So when a new kind of sea snail was found in 1996, the scientist knew just the celebrity to name it after. Apparently, Bufonaria borisbeckeri is also a well-known shagger.

5. Elvis Presley
We can’t believe an Elvis-mad scientist actually managed to get away with calling a new wasp he discovered in 1994 after his favourite song. Its name? Preseucoila imallshookupis .

6. The Ramones
Four new arthropod fossils were discovered in 1997 and named after the members of the US punk band.
Feel free to insert your own jokes about Mackenziurus johnnyi, Mjoeyi, M deedeei amd M ceejayi.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger
In 2002, a carapid beetle was named Agra schwarzeneggeri because of its particularly impressive bicep-like middle leg section. Should have gone for Linford Christie.

Source: ShortList magazine

That’s because dear old Brigitte Bardot, the woman who entranced the world with her earthy sensuality all those years ago, has just been convicted for provoking discrimination and racial hatred for the fifth time in 11 years, after she published a letter claiming that Muslims are destroying France because they don’t kill sheep properly.

Brigitte Bardot, you’ll remember, was the star of the 1958 movie And God Created Women, a movie that’s soon to be re-released to DVD with the title And God Created One Specific Woman Although He Sort Of Regrets It Every Time She Opens Her Shrapnel-Filled Gob, The Witchy Old Nutter.

It’s often said that beautiful people don’t have to develop personalities because their lovely faces mean they don’t have to try as hard as the rest of us. But Brigitte Bardot is clearly the exception to the rule – she’s developed quite a strong personality. Admittedly it’s the personality of a loopy old reactionary racist who surrounds herself with animals but, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

And make no mistake – Brigitte Bardot does love animals. Whenever the time calls for any sort of animal rights activism, be it Canadian seal hunting or people eating horses, Bardot can always be found at the fore, trying to change the world with her political ideals and her violently yellow teeth.

In fact, Brigitte Bardot loves all of Earth’s creatures. Unless they happen to be, you know, brown. Because Brigitte Bardot enjoys nothing more than to wail angrily about them until she’s been repeatedly convicted of inciting racial hatred. Which, by chance, has just happened again.

It’s all to do with sheep, you see. Brigitte Bardot was conviced for provoking discrimination and racial hatred and fined 15,000 Euros for publishing a letter she wrote to Nicholas Sarkozy that was all “I’ve had it with these Muslims coming over here, taking all our jobs and slaughtering our sheep in accordance with their own religious beliefs.” E! Online reports:

“I’ve had enough of being led by the nose by this population that is destroying us, destroying our country by imposing its acts.” Bardot, a longtime and ardent animal rights advocate, was particularly referring to the Muslim feast of Aid el-Kebir, which is celebrated by slaughtering sheep. In her letter, she argued that Muslims should stun the animals before slaughtering them. The 73-year-old singer-actress sent the letter to Sarkozy back in December 2006 and subsequently published it in her foundation’s quarterly journal.

So that’s that. Brigitte Bardot has been convicted and fined – she was spared the two months in jail that she could have received – and she’s definitely learned her lesson once and for all. For around 2.2 years, anyway, which is the next time she’s scheduled to be racially dubious to an illegal degree.

Still, let’s not be completely down on Brigitte Bardot – she still has an awful lot going for her. For instance, she’s easily one of the easiest racists to masturbate to, along with Tintin and the bloke out of Seinfeld.

And what she said wasn’t that bad, really – it’s not as if she wore a racist scarf during a doughnut commercial, was it? They’re the bastards we should really go after.

The latest to join PETA’s hareem is X Factor’s second-freshest regurgitation Leona Lewis, who is going to take off all her clothes, including her bra and pants – thus rendering her naked – and pose for a photograph in a classy way, like how a lady might, or in other words, pose for a photograph in a way that demands a bit too much magic-eye effort from the masturbator to be regarded as porn. According to The Sun, a source close to Leona said:

“She’s hugely proud to have been asked. She’s a strict vegetarian so it’s a cause close to her heart.”

The list of girls who have posed for PETA’s 'I’d rather go naked than wear fur' campaign is a bona fide success story for boners; Eva Mendes, Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano, all of them naked as the day they were born, only more fully formed and adult-like; it’s an image so mind-swimmingly distracting that you can almost forget how forgettable these people’s careers have been – almost – whilst trying not to jettison on to the half gorged panda burger sitting beside your laptop.

Agreeing to work in conjunction with PETA comes with some baggage though, because you also have to work with in conjunction with PETA founder, Ingrid Newkirk, who says things like:

“When it comes to pain, love, joy, loneliness, and fear, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. Each one values his or her life and fights the knife.”

A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. And it all becomes clear that PETA, which undeniably makes some interesting points that we’d all do well to analyse are, in the end, are not necessarily in the best interests of humankind. Unless you think humans would benefit by allowing rats the same freedoms that we allow ourselves, like jury-duty and garbage collection, for example.

Also, If any of you beautiful hecklerspray readership are wondering – and you probably are – as you’re by now totally bored of guessing if today’s Britney news will be ‘vagina, wig or kids?’, if you guys were wondering; ‘why don’t dogs get the vote?’ well, you are in luck, because PETA has put forward the following theory, which can be found on its website:

‘Animals don’t always have the same rights as humans because their interests are not always the same as ours, and some rights would be irrelevant to animals. For instance, a dog doesn’t have an interest in voting and, therefore, doesn’t have the right to vote because that right would be as meaningless to a dog as it is to a child’

That’s why they don’t vote, because they’re not interested. It would be irrelevant, guys! It is one thing we’ll always have on them though. As they’re barking for better kennels, we can smile politely in public whilst screwing them over in the polling booths, just like women and black men before them. The white man always wins! Sorry, ignore that.

Ok PETA, listen up, because here is what you really need to do, alright? Instead of getting these young females to, one by one, strip off for a picture that’ll do nothing more than raise a few phallus’ and a tiny bit of awareness, which at most will achieve a few thousand more hits for your website, you need to do this:

Focus your attention on one sector of your hate, for example, Tesco and its involvement in battery farming. Round up all these girls together, Leona, Eva, the Christinas and the rest, and march them up to Tesco HQ to speak to Lord Dick King Tesco, or whatever his name is, and say “Look, Mr Tesco, if you promise to stop battery farming hens, we will all make love to you and each other now”. That would be it! Job done. Move on to Sainsburys.

So you can do that, or just keep on giving these girls photo ops to help further stretch their elastic careers, whilst Leona Lewis and the battery chickens just ‘Keep keep bleedin, Keep keep bleedin’ a darkness into our eternal soul.

You have been warned.

Read more:

Leona Lewis' strip fur animals - The Sun 

Animal rights group PETA has just revealed Ghost Rider star Eva Mendes as the latest face, spine and bare arse of its 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' campaign, in an effort to show the world how foolish and disgusting people who do wear fur-based clothing are. So – on the basis that Eva Mendes will stop being naked when the inhumane fur trade realises how cruel and irresponsible it's being – we're going to outside, chop up a monkey with a pair of scissors and turn it into a nice pair of furry slacks.

When Eva Mendes was at her very first movie premiere, her stylist sent her big fur wrap that we believe was made of a mixture of Lassie, Benji, Black Beauty and the hairiest parts of Free Willy. This, like most things, got animal rights group PETA all narked off, and they sent Eva Mendes a letter telling her what a gigantic bitch she was being.

Eva Mendes learnt her lesson there and then, and a beautiful friendship was struck up between the actress and the red-eyed animal-protectors. Now, several years later, Eva Mendes has decided to repay the compliment by taking off her blouse and covering up her boobies with her hands. For the animals.

Following similar campaigns by Alicia Silverstone and Sadie Frost, Eva Mendes has become the latest star to try and encourage people to wear less fur by going naked. It's thought that Eva's naked campaign will be more successful than the others because – unlike Alicia Silverstone – people have heard of her, and – unlike Sadie Frost – people don't dislike her so much that they'll skin a chinchilla just to spite her.

But just how much does Eva Mendes love animals? Quite a bloody lot as it happens, because in the accompanying PETA Q&A, Eva reveals all. Emotionally, that is. We're not talking about her tits this time:

"We Own The Night is a crime thriller set in the late 1980s about two brothers on opposite sides of the law. I play the girlfriend of Joaquin Phoenix, a manager for a club involved with the Russian Mafia, whose brother (played by Mark Wahlberg) is a cop targeting the Mafia for drug involvement. It's a great cast, and it was such a thrill to play opposite actors like Joaquin, Mark, and Robert Duvall."

No, wait, that's the part of the PETA Q&A where Eva Mendes shamelessly promotes her new film. Oh well, there's another bit in it where she says faux fur is quite good. Trust us.

And if you think Eva Mendes loves animals a lot now, just wait until you see her in We Own The Night – she actually puts her fingers in her fanny right at the beginning. For the animals.

Read more:

Eva Mendez Reveals All – The PETA Files