Have you seen Domino? It’s just about the worst film ever made. That includes the ill-advised Garbage Pail Kids movie which some idiot wasted his money on making. And the reason that Domino is so bad lays entirely at the feet of the godawful Keira Knightley – an English accent designed to occupy a thong.

Of course, criticism and Keira are common bedfellows. Where Knightley goes, people muttering about how dismal she is, is never far away.

Apart from in glorious America, where they’re dim enough to like her. The USofA is just about the only country gullible enough to buy her schtick of being a not-ugly posh English girl of no-fixed-talent. And she’s noticed.

The dreadful, dreadful actress feels she gets more support as an actress in America than at home in the UK. That’s because the UK has a dreck-filter, not like in America where they’ll gobble up any ol’ gash. Want evidence? Americans will happily watch Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory in their droves, whereas everything the UK produces is absolutely brilliant.

Apart from Knightley.

The Pirates Of The Caribbean jobsworth who, in her new film ‘A Dangerous Method’, realises that her acting abilities are so stunted, that she must take on a role that sees her getting spanked while tied semi-naked to a bed (you have to generate interest somehow, right?), admitted to GQ that she gets upset when people point out how gaspingly awful she is at her job.

Keira said:

“The Americans are generally a lot more supportive. They generally like the work a lot more than they do here. It is what it is, I suppose. It could just be that I’m not to a lot of people’s tastes. Which is fine.”

“Well it’s not, obviously. You want to be to everyone’s taste… But. I think it’s better to do your own thing rather than try to please everyone and just be this mushy thing in the middle.

“Sometimes it’s like water off a duck’s back, and sometimes it really hurts… and then you go away and cry for an hour or so, and then you pick yourself up again.”

There you go. We’ve all been making Keira Knightley cry. Something that no-one has ever been moved to do after watching one of her performances… unless you include the bitter tears of frustration as you watch a young talentless div sloping around a set for huge sums of undeserved money.

God, look at you all.

Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.

You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.

That’s where Readers’ Letters comes in. Every week we plunge our heads into the faeces clad Water Closet of the hecklerspray bedsit and extract from its odious bowels the hecklerspray Post Bag. It’s enough to make a porn star gag and yet we do it for you as a public service.

A community service, if you will. Ordered by the courts to pay off libel charges.

So here it is. This week’s delve through the detritus.

The internet. It’s so full of homophobes that you’d think it was like a giant, multi-billion-user British National Party meeting. The constant slew of comments coming from graduates of the Youtube School of Intelligent Thought is enough to make your blood boil until it resembles a fine Port. Take this example. You see, homophobes really like to drive home their point by making it in every available space:

The word ‘gay’ appears in an insulting tone a whopping seven times in a three word comment. To all of you, there is only this message. Being gay isn’t something that should be seen as an insult. It’s not insulting to be called gay. It’s just… not.

Of course, sometimes the homophobes manage to dress their homophobia up as a social commentary. In the case of Diane Richardson (her home address is not available at request), she’s chosen to stand in complete opposition to reasonable thought:

Gays have no right to inhibit free speech or define gay. Who do they think they are? Answer: Nobody! Some people ARE born gay I’ve witnessed this in my own family but a huge majority are gay by CHOICE, for instance poor men. Many poor men perform gay sex acts on men for money and in prison heterosexual men have forced and consensual sex with each other. After they’re released they go home to their women. (gross) Anne Heche (loved her hair) was gay for a while.
Sandusky, Bernie Fine , Eddie Long (all GOP) and other pedophiles are GAY because they engaged in sex with underage and adult males. Gays spent a lot of energy trying to convince everyone that pedophiles were straight. Fail! These guys had sex with boys and young men.

Well, there you go then. Here at hecklerspray, we like to start with the really vitriolic crap before we lapse into a more relaxed meander through the scores of people that despise us, not an entire group of people. It’s easier that way.

Speaking of people that absolutely despise us, Libertines fans have been sitting with their thumbs in their mouths, desperately hoping that someone would care enough to write an article about them and hark! Someone did. What did the article say? Does that matter when it provoked so much fury from One Eyed Jacks?

Worst article ever from a talentless author without any sensitivity for good lyrics and musicality.

Hmm… maybe he hasn’t heard The Libertines before. Still, fans of ‘The Mad-Libs’ aren’t the only group of righteous, entitled git-pots to get in touch this week. Earlier, Editor Mof flippantly mentioned Toni Braxton‘s numerous bankruptcy claims in an article about Whitney Houston’s moaning coupon and prompted furious scenes amongst Toni’s fan base.

Read that again.

Toni Braxton’s fan base.

We know. Give yourself a moment to take it in before you read what Brittani had to say:

You should really get your facts straight about Toni Braxton before you start speaking negative about her. That is pure ignorance! Don’t ever talk about Toni again unless it’s on a positive note! Shame on you! You shouldn’t be talking about Whitney either but I guess some people just have nothing else to do with their life but judge others…

Err… right. Sorry. We’ll never talk about Toni Braxton again. She can go on the pile of ‘Celebrity Irrelevancies That We Can’t Mention Because They’re Too Cripplingly Dull” along with Timmy Mallet and Sylvester Stallone’s Mum. It’s the only honour she’s ever likely to win again. This promise didn’t deter Richard though:

There was no need to use Toni Braxton’s name in this article, especially in a vicious mean way, you need to hope you never find yourself sick and in financial trouble, since you seem to think you’re better than others. Quite a shame.

Thanks for hoping that we never find ourselves in financial trouble! Would you be willing to help us out by setting up donations of just £4 a month that would allow Euan Davidson & Miss Robotnik to feed their monstrous cocaine habits? Anything you can give would help.

Let’s face it, everyone’s in financial trouble and we only have Toni Braxton to blame. Still, if you need someone else to blame, why don’t you try everyone’s favourite sexual pariah? No, it’s not Gary Glitter, it’s Caroline Flack! You already know that she’s limping through faked orgasms with human libido Harry Styles but did you know that someone calling themselves Harry Styles left a comment on our articles.

As usual with this kind of thing (see the Readers’ Letters Tom Hardy Special), we can only assume that the comment is from the floppy-haired-erection-monster and treat the comment with the necessary respect.

Harry styles is a cute nice boy Caroline you need a life touching body parts of q 17 year old you could be his mother you fucking idiot get a life and a real boyfriend and if you to get so serious the whole world will hate you Caroline and Harry one direction would be over and bye bye to your fans and Harry I am saying this for you I love your music and you

Harry Styles: demonstrable egomaniac. Not only is he a certified narcissist, he’s also criticising Caroline Flack for her love of tossing him off behind the bike sheds. Oh wait. Hang on. Maybe this isn’t Harry Styles talking about himself in the third person but some jealous One Direction fan who spends 3 hours of every day ‘worshipping’ their Harry Styles doll.

Still, at least worshipping a Harry Styles doll is closer to human contact than being in love with a video game. Yes, the announcement of Resident Evil 6 has seen accidental ejaculations all across the gaming world with one fan’s excitable eruption registering as a 2.3 magnitude Earthquake. The comment below- from Sasha- is indicative of the kind of response our article garnered from Capcom’s verbose and witty fan base.

”’_”’ ???_??? ^^^_^^^ “””_””” $$$_$$$ %%%_%%%** (LOL)** I LOVE U RESDENT EVIL

Moving away from video games and on to TV now as yet more comments pour in on our article which compares The Office with its American counterpart. The sporadic running battles on this comments section have largely turned into a series of vitriolic, xenophobic rants. Like Up Yours, who shoved a flaming envelope through our letterbox before flying home on a nuclear missile.

hey I bet this was some british fuck doing this review its cool to have country pride but just remember the AMERICAN REVOLUTION…… america!!!!! so quit being byes you uk fuck ….the office america wins this thats why it lasted 8 seasons …. suck that…you BOSTON TEA PARTY FUCK

TO ARMS, MEN! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING BACK FOR ROUND TWO! Of course, we’d usually moan about the fact that this article was written three years ago and have a good ol’ chuckle at the idiocy of the man who still believes this argument is relevant. However, given that our friend doesn’t appear to operate in the same area of time-space as us, that line would be redundant. This guy believes the Tea Party has just happened. This man is from the past.

ALL HAIL THE TIME LORD!

Before we all bow down in glorious acquiescence to our new ruler, we’ll leave you with this. Someone didn’t like us having a laugh at Drake’s expense.

Wow this is the worst article ever. Seriously. Kill yourself.

This can be roughly translated as:

Everyone who doesn’t like the same thing I like should either kill themselves or be murdered because my opinion is correct on every single point of minutiae.

So cheers for that, Comrade Stalin.

Until next week, our Semen-Stained Overlords.

There is no-one more hateful on planet Earth than Bruno Mars. Absolutely everything about him is odious to the point of a year-long continuous vomit. And yet, there’s people out there who are determined to keep him in the public eye.

His songs are played, his stupid goofy expression keeps appearing on our televisions and no-one seems to care that he sang ‘meet a really nice girl and have some really nice sex, and she’s gonna scream out ‘THIS IS GREAT!’‘ while others willingly join in with “I’ll be lounging on my couch just chillin’ in my snuggie“

You monsters. And now, the law has decided that cocaine possession charges against Mars should be dismissed when really, he should’ve been sent to the electric chair for his awful, tepid, vapid, intestinal dissolving music.

So what happened? Well, Mars was arrested in September in some toilets. This normally ends in someone exposing their nether regions to an uncover policeman or Louis Walsh threatening to kill himself, but alas, Bruno was caught with a bag of cocaine.

He admitted the charge and fined $2000 (£1296) and given 12 months’ probation. He then completed some community service, seeing that his guilty plea would now be taken off his record.

However, the prosecutors obviously forgot to bring up his biggest crime: his album Doo Wops & Hooligans.

If those concerned had taken his music into account, then they would have had no other option than to put Bruno Mars to sleep.

The options are vast in America. They could’ve sent him to the chair or given him a lethal injection. So bad is Bruno Mars’ song ‘Grenades’, then public sympathy for a firing squad is not out of the realms of possibility.

In short, despite being one of the first musicians to totally be let-off from a drug-charge without much fuss, the American legal system has released one of the biggest monsters in history back to an ear-owning public. First you made stars of Nickelback and now this?!

Shame on you America. SHAME ON YOU.

Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Wahlberg asserted that he would have stopped terrorists from flying a perfectly nice plane into New York’s World Trade Center on Sept. 11 if he had been on it.

In an interview with Men’s Fitness, he said:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Get that? If you were on that plane and are now reading this as a ghost, then you suck. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t suck. He would’ve roundhouse kicked the terrorists until their heads came clean off. He wouldn’t just sit their, munching peanuts and drinking gin from a small tin can.

We assume that’s what he meant, right? It certainly looks like he’s saying that those who perished on that infamous flight didn’t do enough to stop it from happening.

Wait. He’s apologised hasn’t he?

Wahlberg is now saying that his speculation was:

“ridiculous to begin with.” And that to suggest he “would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.”

Thank you Mark Wahlberg. Celebrities have been a bit too guarded recently, so we’re grateful that you let your mouth run-off without kicking your brain in.

Can you pass judgement on the American soldiers who took a leak on insurgent corpses now? That’d be sweet. Oh, and good luck with your burger bar. Maybe you could make a double-stack burger in tribute to the World Trade Centre by way of apology?

Sometimes, you hear a piece of news that changes everything. Where were you when you heard about 9/11, for example? Do you remember the exact second you heard when Brookside was being cancelled? When Osama was killed? When Slobodan Milosevic was finally taken to task for his war crimes?

But this is next level.

Simon Cowell, the man with perfectly cube-shaped hair, has announced to anyone who’ll listen (idiots) that he almost, but didn’t, put his glans into the former American Idol judge and cat botherer Paula Abdul.

Despite being engaged, Cowell told American press all about the almost-romp, telling sources that he just “couldn’t go through with it”.

Ah, been there mate. “Too many drinks”, “nerves”, I get you. Wink, nudge, weep.

hecklerspray doesn’t expect you to be able to function properly having read this, and then, considered the image (funnier if you think about MC Skat Kat looking through the window at their writhing bodies in disdain) of either Simon Cowell’s penis as an instrument, or the actual thought of their having sex.

The thought of Cowell and Abdul having sex reminds us of a particular scene from Lars Von Triers’ ‘The Idiots’. If you’re a Guardian reader, you’ll absolute get that joke and be appalled by it.

For everyone else, we tried to reach Cowell’s reps (by simply shouting at the sky) but could not get a confirmation or denial that Simon Cowell “settled for a blowie”.

Ah well.

Christina Aguilera has a problem. That problem is not knowing when to tone it down when she’s singing. That’s it. That’s the only thing that is truly wearisome about her. Even when she flubbed her lines while singing the American National Anthem, only bozos got narked.

However, there’s another thing that people keep mentioning – her weight.

See, Xtina has put a bit of chub on lately and pretty much no-one gives three hoots. And why would they? She’s not stealing food from your plate. However, women appear to be obsessed with the breadth of female celebrities with the caveat of ‘not that it matters of course!’ Either way, by not caring, Aguilera has been asked about her dress size. Again. Apparently, she’s thrilled.

Speculation that has come almost entirely from women’s magazines (who simultaneously complain about an imagined obsession with girl’s weight from men) about Christina’s weight has floated around for years now, and to address this notion with an air of ‘solidarity’, Aguilera has revealed she’s happy with her fuller figure. Naturally, all correspondence reveals that her boyfriend Matt Rutler is crazy for her curves as well!

This message is as follows: “Yeah, I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed my change in weight, but I’m cool with it and my boyfriend is also cool with it. See? It’s okay to be a little heavier. You can totally get the affirmation from men too because, ostensibly, that’s what it’s all about… right?”

Speaking to the press, she said:

“I have a boyfriend that loves my body. I love my body, my son is healthy and happy and that is all that matters.”

She added:

“Women, we are definitely under a microscope and under massive scrutiny. As long as I am happy in my own skin, that is all that is all the confirmation I need.”

She’s right. Women are under the microscope. From other women. Women who can’t make their minds up whether to bitch about cellulite or constantly mention the size of a woman, regardless of whether she’s too thin or too fat. In addition to this, young feminists can bring the weight issue up to each other, saying how great it is that Christina is more ‘curvy’ now, thereby judging her on her appearance with the addendum of ‘she looks much better than she did when she was a stick-thin waif.’

In other news: Shut up.

Hey America! Muslims are awful, awful things aren’t they? Apart from Mohammed Ali. You like him don’t you? Dave Chappelle is alright too, huh? And Ice Cube. And you like all those bands on Atlantic Records, a company set up by maverick Ahmet Ertegun. Guess what? Massive Muslim. And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

There’s LOADS of celebrity Muslims in the grand ol’ U.S. of A aren’t there? All going about their business without bombing anyone or shouting ‘DEATH TO THE WEST!’

So then, what’s America’s problem with the television show, ‘All-American Muslim’ then? Why are all the sponsors pulling out and washing their hands of the project?

The show follows Muslim families who live in Michigan (in a suburb of Detroit). Instead of people looking at the show as something that might be interesting or, dare you think it, something you could learn a little from (America, before you start, we know you’re not too keen about learning other people’s cultures – unless it’s aliens which you have all the time in the universe for), people are howling that this is all some awful exercise in propaganda.

Retail dudes, Lowe’s, caused a ruckus by pulling their advertising from the show. Lowe’s spokeswoman Karen Cobb reckons that the company was one of “dozens” of businesses to pull their advertising since late last month. Obviously, it’s completely fine to do things if other people are doing them.

Like invading small countries for their… oh, we’ll stop that analogy right there. Even we’re tired of that one.

Marvellously, hip hop mogul Russell Simmons has gone and bought up the remaining ad slots. Obviously, the world of rap has very strong connections with Islam, with many artists converting to the Nation of Islam, becoming five percenters or y’know, becoming straight-out, everyday Muslims.

The Florida Family Association, a little-known bunch of reactionary dimwits, has campaigned against the show. They reckon that All-American Muslim is “propaganda” that is “clearly designed to counter legitimate and present-day concerns about many Muslims who are advancing Islamic fundamentalism and Sharia law.”

It must be awful to live in a country that has another culture’s ideology forced down their neck by groups deemed to be outsiders… eh Iraq?

But U.S. Representative Keith Ellison, said in a statement that Lowe’s had:

“chosen to uphold the beliefs of a fringe hate group” and given in to intolerance. “Corporate America needs to take a stand against these anti-Muslim fringe groups and stand up for what is right because this is what it means to be an American”.

Stupid America. God forbid anyone should have the temerity to show Muslims going about their business and generally not doing anything out of the ordinary like every other person who lives in The States.

Russia and America haven’t ever really got along have they? They’re both giganto land-masses that just love antagonising each other with spies, wars and lousy impressions of each others accents.

At least the news is always impartial, eh?

Like hell. Have you seen Fox News? And Fox & Co (not a Top of the Pops dance troupe, sadly) have got competition in the form of Tatiana Limanova who made her feelings on Barack Obama perfectly clear in a news bulletin.

In a moment, presumably thought to be off-camera, commie-swine Tatiana flipped the bird at the mention of Barry Obama just before the bulletin switched to a VT.

Of course, this will wind up the Yankee Doodles no end and we’ll probably see Bill O’Reilly bearing his arse with the words “RUSSIA SUX” written on in marker.

Naturally, you wouldn’t get the wonderful British news organisations being so partizan would you?

Nooooooo.

Anyway, here’s the video of Limanova giving a big up yours to America. Let us all pray for another Cold War as a result, eh?

We’ve read twitter. We know what you bastards want. You want outrage. A constant, trickling source of things to get angry about. You love it when people are sexist, racist or pick on the poor don’t you?

Course you do.

But what about the children? Won’t someone think of the kiddies? Well, someone has and they’ve designed some crotchless knickers for them! How about that? And yes, there’s a video over the jump displaying them.

Before we start thinking about just what you put into your search engine to stumble across an article detailing crotchless knickers for children, we’d like to give you the facts.

Basically, some douche was shopping at the Greeley Mall in Colorado. It’s a great mall. You really should try it out. Possibly. We’ve never even been to America.

Why?

BECAUSE IT HAS SHOPS LIKE KIDS N TEEN WHICH SEEM TO SELL CROTCHLESS PANTIES FOR TINY CHILDREN.

That’s what happened. Someone spotted them while shopping and promptly went straight to the press about it who filed a report and… well… you can watch it here.

The owner of Kids N Teen says that 25% of her merchandise is actually for teens, which explains the whole crotchless knickers thing, right?

Wait. Are they saying that it is okay for minors to buy crotchless knickers? Is that what’s going on here? Ladies and gentleman, feel free to become outraged.

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Ricki Lake is a lovely sod isn’t she? Even if her particular brand of cheeriness and optimism grates, you can’t truly hate her can you? Of course you can. She’s a celebrity. You can hate them all you want.

Despite being considerably more wealthy than you, her successes don’t mean she’s not prone to massive thickery.

See, Ricki is just as stupid as anyone else and can totally be duped by people online. She was all ready to marry a man from England who she’s found via online dating and, remarkably, it transpired that he was a “user and liar”.

There are a whole host of people who live out some bizarre fantasy online. Seriously. They sit in their festering pits surrounded by drained bottles of cheap wine, spouting off to the world about their invented achievements and plough through stolen jokes and borrowed anecdotes and nostalgia, wooing the lonely and neglected.

Of course, this two-way neediness is a lesson in abject misery for anyone unlucky enough to catch on to it.

So, if you’re pretending to be a kind, sensitive soul… possibly with a few problems (great if you’re the kind of person who attracts the kind of people who want to ‘fix’ broken, troubled minds) like a wounded wanker, then you’ll probably have a decent success rate when luring the fragile into something of a relationship, which you can then contort into whatever nefarious direction you like!

GREAT!

And Ricki Lake was no exception as she became “infatuated” with a Brit she met on the web. Talking to Newsweek, she said:

“When I was single two years ago, I decided I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. My friends thought I was crazy for online dating.”

The relationship progressed very quickly (surprise!) and she even met with immigration lawyers so she could marry this sneaky bozo!

“I found this narcissist online and started a whirlwind relationship where I was delusional. I was with a guy who was a total user and liar. He was English and considered himself a poet.

She should’ve ran a mile at ‘poet’. Other professions to avoid are ‘musician’, ‘writer’, ‘celebrity gossip blogger’, ‘painter’ and absolutely anyone who says they’ve served in the armed forces.

“He was more charismatic than physically beautiful but I became infatuated with him very quickly. I was out of my mind in some ways. I wanted it so badly I lost all clarity… I was going to marry him so he could get a green card. I even went to England with him and met his mother. He was such a bad guy. I was the only one who didn’t see the signs… I found out from my housekeeper that he would be nice to my children in front of my face but would cringe about them behind my back.”

The bastard!

“After six weeks, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise myself. I had lost all sense of who I was. I realised it was not working. As soon as I saw the light, it was over. I didn’t cry a tear about this guy. I dumped him.”

HURRAY!

And now, Ricki Lake has found love with some bloke called Christian Evans but we don’t care about that really. All we want to do is shout…

GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO RICKI!

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Did you know that Barack Obama is the antichrist? Did you have any idea? Must be something to do with his Middle Eastern sounding name.

So thank Godly Godlington that Christians are on-hand to point out that Obama is some kind of lousy, Middle Eastern infidel who…

…hang on a minute. Wasn’t Jesus from Palestine or something? So what’s this mad Christian doing heckling Obama during a press conference then? See the video over the jump to see how daft America is.

That’s right kiddies!

At a fundraiser in Los Angeles, Obama was just shooting the breeze with the giddy throng when some spirited chap in the audience started shooting his mouth off about the “one true Christian God”, following up with a swift one-two about Barack being the antichrist.

Of course, the President brushed his shoulder and the crowd reaction accordingly.

Mental Christian shouts:

“The Christian God is one and only true living God! The creator of heaven and the universe! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is still our God! Jesus Christ is still God! You are the Antichrist!”

Have a look and pick sides for crying out loud.

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You know Jessica Simpson, right? She’s that blonde woman of no-fixed talent. She’s a thing that exists solely to provide erections to teenage boys, produce dribble in the arrestedly developed adults and occupy perfectly good shoes.

Well, she’s tired of being a nothing and is finding some self-worth inside her ovaries.

Yes! It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! She is reportedly pregnant with her first child and, to celebrate, she’s eating a variety of harrowing snacks!

Somehow (we’re not sure of the ins-and-outs-and-back in-and-out-agains of it all) she’s got herself pregnant with some skid-mark called Eric Johnson who throws a ball for a living in some niche interest sport called ‘American Football’.

And the weird cravings… we need to know about those weird, weird cravings!

An insider told In Touch Weekly magazine:

“She’s already having kooky cravings, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate, which satisfies her urge for salty and sweet. She’s also developed a taste for cheesy popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.”

Another insider suggests that she’s taking nachos, chocolate, cheese, popcorn AND non-alcoholic margaritas and putting them all in a blender with a tub of goose fat and drinking the whole thing down every ten minutes straight from the appliance, until she cries solid chunks of congealed food pellets.

Of course, we know she’s pregnant because she’s been seen out and about wearing loose-fitting clothing.

And that’s it.

She’s definitely pregnant though. Look into her eyes. She reeks of someone who has something growing inside her.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

That’s right kiddiekins! Tony Bennett is opening that old mouth of his and talking about 9/11. He says that the whole attack on the World Trade Centre (et al) is solely the fault of Americans themselves.

What, so they waved the planes into the side of the building?

Of course not. Bennett said to Howard Stern:

“I’m anti-war. It’s the lowest form of human behaviour.”

“To start a war in Iraq was a tremendous, tremendous mistake internationally.”

However, however, however… those pesky terrorists started it all, right?

“I don’t know about that. Who are the terrorists? Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right … They flew the plane in, but we caused it … We were bombing them and they told us to stop.”

But. Wait. Hang on a doggone minute. George W Bush wouldn’t have irritated anyone enough to make them want to retaliate, right? Those guys picked a fight with America and Bush went after ‘em… right? What? Bush told you otherwise?

“He told me personally that night … ‘I think I made a mistake.’”

At least these comments didn’t come on the back of the 10th anniversary of the attacks.

Ah yes. They did. This makes Tony Bennett the celebsphere’s grouchy ol’ grandparent who can’t be bothered to keep their mouth shut anymore and just says exactly what they think.

It’s brilliant.

Now, all we have to do is to wait for our American cousins to start running their mouths off like Bennett just burned a flag and wiped his dick on the Bill of Rights (which, incidentally, should be Tony Bennett’s next PR stunt).

And while you’re shouting and hopping mad, remember, this is all your own stupid fault.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.

Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.

They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. § 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!

While the DADT act prohibits any homosexual or bisexual person from disclosing his or her sexual orientation, or indeed, speaking about any homosexual relationships of any kind, it doesn’t discourage soldiers from having their picture taken next to piles of people who have passed out from torture in Abu Ghraib.

It doesn’t stop Army vets from recording profanity laden rap songs attacking Soulja Boy either.

This seems stupid really because America is definitely more gay than it is violent. There’s a lot more sodomy going down right now that shootings, raps and whatever else America thinks it gets up to.

In fact, the United States couldn’t be more gay. Even the straight people are really gay. That’s a good thing. Well done America, you big nation of gays.

To celebrate the end of DADT on September 20, 2011, here’s you not gay army men, pretty much having it off with each other to Aqua.

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America is feeling very, very patriotic at the moment as they unify in memory over the events of 9/11, when some planes went and killed a load of people. Horrifying stuff, not least for the pointless memories of those on twitter saying “I remember watching it on TV”

And America is jumpy enough at the moment. First off, the American Army declared war on Soulja Boy after he said they were rubbish… and now, they’ve got Cyndi Lauper to invade too.

That’s because Lauper did the worst thing imaginable. She got the words wrong to the American National Anthem. As well you know, messing with the Star Spangled Banner, or indeed, mocking the bit of cloth that is their flag, is punishable by death.

Cyndi was part of a 9/11 memorial at some stupid sporting event and crooned The Star Spangled Banner following a moment of silence for victims of the terrorist attacks.

Alas, getting the words wrong, she may as well have squatted over a soldier’s helmet and defecated into it while setting fire to a box filled with American flags.

The evil, malicious Lauper sang;

“O’er the ramparts we watched, as our flag was still streaming.”

Any fool know that it should be:

“O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.”

Of course, earlier this year, Christina Aguilera was sentenced to death via firing squad for fluffing her lines from the US Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Lauper will now be taken to The Hague for a war crime trial where it is expected that John McCain will lift his arms above his head for the first time in a decade to bludgeon Lauper to death with a paving slab.

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