When hecklerspray was just 42 years old the song Electric Youth descended upon us from a gas station sound-system.
It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see, about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.
But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.
Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.
Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.
Miley Cyrus is totally into older men, which is nice because older men are totally into her too. It’s convenient when things work out like that. The older guy we’re talking about this time isn’t her underpants-loving boyfriend – its Stephen Baldwin. The only evidence we have of this is in the form of a Hannah Montana tattoo the actor recently got because Cyrus herself apparently dared him to.
Now, to make the dare-pact complete, Miley’s gotta get baptised by a hardcore southern baptist, possibly dance with poisonous snakes, and talk way too much about how good Stevie was in The Usual Suspects.
Again, our evidence for all this is pretty weak. Here is every piece of info the Huffington Post has on the slightly-obsessed tattoo thing:
“Stephen Baldwin has branded himself with Hannah Montana’s initials, all because Miley Cyrus dared him to…the 15-year-old dared Baldwin to get Hannah Montana’s initials [tattooed] and in return she would let him appear on her Disney TV show since his daughters are huge fans of the series.”
The whole tatt-thing might sound stupid to some, but remember this – it’s for love. Miley Cyrus may be young, but In some North American countries 15 is the age of consent, and should the two decide to move there they could live out her 15-year-old legally adult life together. This is convenient for both of them because as we hear it her body is already ripe with women-fruit. Its literally swimming with babies that are just aching to get out right now.
We can’t divulge our source on this babies-part yet because he’s fictional and we haven’t made up a name for him yet. Claude sounds good though. Our source’s name is Claude, and he swears to us that Miley Cyrus currently has so many microscopic babies in her body that they keep bumping into each other.
Claude also tells us he once saw a bare-handed Madonna rip the beating heart out of a zoo-gorilla.
More on that story tomorrow.
Chant says
So Stephen Baldwin finds Jesus and loses his mind. Let that be a lesson to you, kids. Of some kind.
Patrick says
i would assume that it’s a temporary tattoo…