God, Eastenders is grim isn't it? We're not sure of the exact moment when a bunch of pikeys shrieking at each other became mainstream entertainment, but Michelle Ryan doesn't care – the former Eastender is only the new bloody Bionic Woman.
Michelle Ryan was previously most famous for playing Zoe Slater in Eastenders – a role made up of 98% wailing "You ain't my bleedin' Mum!" and 2% wearing quite tight tops – but that's all changed since Michelle Ryan was picked out of nowhere to play the lead in the pilot for a new series of The Bionic Woman made by NBC. And while Michelle Ryan playing The Bionic Woman is a big story, it's already been overshadowed by the news that June Brown – Eastenders' Dot Cotton – has been cast as the lead in Basic Instinct 3.
The biggest difference between Britain and America is the soap operas. American soaps are flashy daytime affairs where effortlessly glamorous women stride around improbably big houses turning their heads away the instant anyone starts to talk at them, and feature storylines about ghosts, aliens, poisoned tattoos, nerve toxins and terrorists hell-bent on freezing entire cities. In Britain, however, soap operas are all about depressed poor people trudging around being miserable to each other for 40 years.
But Michelle Ryan – who played a depressed poor person trudging around being miserable to everyone in a tight top – will now get to see both sides; she's been cast as The Bionic Woman in a remake of the 1970s TV series, as The Sun reports:
She beat a host of Hollywood names to land the role of Jamie Sommers — a tennis star given super-strength robotic limbs after a sky-diving accident. Michelle, who won over TV bosses at an LA audition, told The Sun: “I still can’t believe it’s happening to me. As soon as news got out, I got congratulatory texts from Shane Ritchie and other old mates from Eastenders. I’m very excited. The whole thing was quite surreal and I’m still pinching myself.”
Ah yes, Shane Ritchie – the other breakout star from Eastenders. You'll know Shane Ritchie for playing a rat that fell down a stinking toilet in Flushed Away, making him at least partly responsible for Dreamworks dumping Aardman animation the other week. Still, Michelle Ryan was voted the second-sexiest soap girl in 2005 – and that must count for something, right?
But let's not jump to conclusions; Michelle Ryan is only The Bionic Woman in a pilot, so there's no guarantee that she'll actually be seen on TV – the new series of The Bionic Woman might go the way of the Ashton Kutcher autobiographical sitcom since it does mostly seem like NBC is opportunistically jumping onboard the Terminator TV show bandwagon. On the other hand – who knows? Maybe Michelle Ryan will be such a sensation as The Bionic Woman that other American networks will scurry over to London and cast other Eastenders stars for their new remakes. We can see it now – a new series of Mork And Mindy retitled as Gary And Minty, or Phil Mitchell recast in The Greatest American Hero.
If any American TV executives are reading, that last one's our idea – so no stealing. In fact, if we see any superhero TV show that concludes every episode with a fat bald cockney in a red suit headbutting one of Spandau Ballet you'll be hearing from our lawyers.
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Carotted Joe says
Woo Hoo! It’s the new Kelly Brook! Here’s to instant failure and a fast track to erotic thrillers!
Marilyn says
I’m looking forward to the Walford remake of the Fantastic Four starring Jim Branning as Mr Fantastic, with Patrick, Yolande and Bradley as the supporting cast
ruff says
u lot bunch of wankers shows gonn be a hit mate trust and bring EE back here in the states bloody boring american television sucks donkeyballs
nikki sims says
way to go zoe slater……..even got an american accent now…..but did you ask “kat” first hahahaha
haaa-doou-ken says
The above person is oviously a twat.
I just felt I needed to point that out. *phew*
Pickle says
“u lot bunch of wankers shows gonn be a hit mate trust and bring EE back here in the states bloody boring american television sucks donkeyballs”
I think this sums you up nicely. Did you not go to school? Do they not have commas where you live. I believe you to be a nob. Am I right?