Joyous news for people who just can’t get enough of old men’s saggy breasts on their movie screens: Sylvester Stallone has announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be starring in his upcoming film.
A little bit of sick has just come up into our mouth.
We knew that Stallone was a fan of whipping deceased stallions, but until now we thought Schwarzenegger had some pride. But something – the idea of recapturing his youth, the lure of making another bathful of quids, or the devastating effects of dementia – has convinced Arnie it would be a great idea for him to appear in Stallone’s latest film.
You know, we believe that old people can do pretty much anything young folk can. Be it chasing skirt, cutting off dogs’ bollocks or being unable to ever escape your 30-year-old child sex conviction, old people still rock! That said, if we ever found out that our 75-year-old neighbour was planning on showing film of himself dressed in nothing more than a furry loincloth and a sheen of baby oil, we would definitely have a whisper in his ear advising him against it. Then we’d have a really loud shout in his ear, because he doesn’t hear too well these days. And then we’d call the police.
Are you listening, Schwarzeneighbours?
It wasn’t always like this. Many years ago, Stallone and Schwarzenegger were musclebound behemoths, straddling the action movie genre like… well, a pair of musclebound behemoths. Time was cruel, though: Sly went and got all “boohoo, I’m such a big fat bloater,” while Arnie went and got all like “help me, I need a heart bypass but only because I smoke cigars and no way because of steroid abuse.”
Arnie realised the gig was up, and left movies to become the Mayor of Fairyland or something. Sly though – sticking two gnarled and withered fingers up at Father Time – lost weight, began shoving fistfuls of growth hormones down his gob and somehow convinced people with money to let him make at least the third and fourth worst instalments of the Rocky and Rambo softcore gay porn franchises.
And now Stallone has persuaded Schwarzenegger that it would be a good idea for them both to get their raddled old bitchtits out in his upcoming film, The Expendables. We can only assume that Arnie was confused when he was being given the pitch, and that he believed he was actually signing up to receive money from a deposed Nigerian prince.
Perhaps we aren’t being fair. Who knows, this could turn out to be a rebirth for what were once two much loved actors. Please, Firstshowing.net, tell us more and don’t spare the crazy:
The Expendables will follow a team of “expendable” mercenaries on a mission to overthrow a South American dictator. The names of the five mercenaries are Hale Caesar, Kong Kao, Christmas, Barney Ross, and Gunnar. In addition to the casting scoop, Stallone revealed to AICN that Jet Li would be fighting Dolph Lundgren at one point in the movie.
Garrggh!
This is unparalleled genius! Someone has realised that what the world wants to see – in 2009 – is Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger flapping their bingo wings around in a film which also has Jet Li fighting Dolph Lundgren. This film cannot fail. Nothing can halt its glorious ride to celluloid immortality.
But wait, we have even more casting info:
The Expendables, which already has Jason Statham signed up…
Oh.
Cocks.
Julian Mentat says
A South American dictator? Why don’t they fight to depose a hedge fund CEO. I’d watch that.
magnetite says
Nice names. They’ll never, ever beat John Matrix though. John Matrix! Matrix!
…and we just sat there and fucking took it too. Stupid 1980’s.
Ironlung says
unless your next article is called “An explicit explanation as to why “the Expendables” will rule the fucking roost”, i dont think i shall be coming back here.
Beth says
I’m glad Schwartzenegger’s going to be in a movie. It will make everyone in California vote for him come reelection time, and only good can come of keeping real politicians out of office.
I feel like Bruce Willis’ name should be in there somewhere.
And Jason Statham looks to me like the sort of man who will die from being shot in the face. Or maybe that’s just a fantasy of mine?