Picking a jury for the R Kelly child porn trial must be an unrelentingly difficult procedure.
The process involves weeding out those who really like R Kelly, those who really hate R Kelly, anyone who’s formed an opinion about R Kelly based on the mountain of press he’s received over his alleged underage sex tape, those who like the idea of watching child porn a little too much and those who did all of the above on purpose to get them out of jury service.
But, despite all that, three jurors have been chosen for the R Kelly child porn trial. The big news, however, is that yesterday R Kelly sat next to a toilet and the poo-stink went up his nose and he got all sad. No, really.
Although being a juror in R Kelly’s upcoming child porn trial means subjecting yourself to weeks and weeks of probably quite harrowing evidence and then wrestling with your conscience about whether or not to send a man to jail until the year 2023 because of that evidence, chances are you’ll get to write a book about it afterwards and that sounds fun. We want in, frankly.
Sadly, because we own over 38 copies of the Space Jam soundtrack on multiple formats and actually do believe we can fly, that’s not likely to happen. But yesterday three lucky kids were chosen to be part of the jury on the long-delayed R Kelly child pornography trial.
As you probably know, after six years of dreaming up new excuses why he shouldn’t stand trial, R Kelly is about to go to court over the video that surfaced in 2002 of him apparently having sex with a girl possibly as young as 13. The jury selection process has begun – an arduous task involving 150 people who must all be interviewed and whittled down to 16 – and according to the Associated Press the three picked yesterday included:
The wife of a Baptist preacher from R. Kelly’s hometown, a business executive and a telecommunications company employee… The executive, a middle-aged man, called child pornography “the lowest of the low” during questioning by the judge and attorneys. But he said he felt he could give a fair trial to the 41-year-old Kelly, who is accused of videotaping himself having sex with a girl as young as 13.
In addition to this, the telecommunications employee stated that he didn’t even like walking past pornography magazines in convenience stores, while the wife of a Baptist preacher is, well, the wife of a Baptist preacher. It’s not looking great for R Kelly – who denies the charges – although there’s still plenty of time to balance this out by picking a bunch of jaundiced-looking perverts in the coming days.
But, of course, the most fun in jury selection processes involve the jurors who didn’t make it. These apparently included a man who seemed to indirectly threaten R Kelly with violence if he was found guilty. God knows we wish he was picked.
The selection process is likely to take up the rest of the week, after which the meat of the trial can begin in earnest. That is unless R Kelly doesn’t pass out from all the shit-fumes billowing up his nose all the time. It’s a possibility – it’s been reported that yesterday R Kelly was made to sit so close to the men’s toilet that he had to keep a tissue clamped against his nose for most of the proceedings.
Hopefully this won’t change during the actual trial, because we’d quite like R Kelly’s poo-sensitive nose to be the new Phil Spector’s lesbian wig. And hopefully that will be enough to keep us going throughout the entire trial, because we can’t find a trace of humour in a video of a grown man weeing all over a girl’s face.
Oh, OK, yes we can, but the poo-nose thing would be an extra special treat on top. Make it happen, court people! Neglect all basic toilet hygiene for us! We’d do the same for you
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JBW says
R Kelly and the rest of the gang bangers will should all be locked up.. All they think about is eating, driving a big car and sex. I am shocked that this guy has not been locked up. Here is another example of a black man gone wrong.. If young black boys think this guy is a role model we are in for a lot of trouble in the years to come.. Most of the blacks men do not have morals of a dog.. The blacks wonder why white Americans feels the way they do; all they need to do is look around and at the immoral decay in our uban communities.. they are like the hutus and tutis fighting in Africa..
euclid says
Oh, it’s fun to be a naughty little bigot
in anonymous posts online, isn’t JBW,
you GUTLESS FUCK. And, yes, for the record
I would happily say that to your face. Twelve
year-old turd basket.
gir says
Cool, the crazy racist is here. I agree though, R Kelly is a lot like the Hutus and the Tuti Fruttis or whatever. And Michael Jackson is like apartheid. And DMX is like Darfur, only instead of Sudanese refugees it’s like, dogs. Dogs without morals what are being shot by other dogs in what appears to be canine cleansing.
malchica says
yáll are missing the whole point here…that stupid publicity craving aunt(sparkle) or whatever needs to locate her shimmer elsewhere. i saw the video and if it is in fact who they say it is shes obviously a lil ho cuz she seems to know quite well what she’s doing which suggests she’s done it b4…thus her stupid family and “friends” need to stop accepting bribes from the prosecution and find jobs instead!!