This whole R Kelly child pornography trial has shot its wad a little early; maybe ‘shot its wad’ is the wrong term – it’s piddled on a child’s face a little early. That’s better.
Anyway, our point is that the very first act of the R Kelly child pornography trial involved showing everyone the infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape. And since it’s physically impossible to top the sight of a full-grown man ordering a 13-year-old girl to wet her knickers to the sound of the Backstreet Boys, the trial’s got a little dull.
The most exciting thing that can happen now is seeing people try to identify the star of the tape. People like R Kelly’s former employee Lindsey Perryman, who turned up yesterday to say that not only is it R Kelly in the tape, but the female star is who everyone thinks it is because of the distinctive way she moves her mouth. We’ll finish writing this article as soon as we’ve stopped shuddering involuntarily.
It’s difficult to find trustworthy staff these days. One minute they’re all like “No Mr Kelly, don’t compare your penis to a car key in a song, you’ve already done that. Try comparing a woman’s genitals to some salad instead” and the next minute they’re all like “That’s definitely R Kelly having sex with a minor in that video, your honour.”
That’s certainly what happened yesterday at the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial when – following a previous positive identification by a witness – R Kelly’s former assistant Lindsey Perryman took to the stand to claim that R Kelly was the star of the sex tape in question.
And if anyone should know that it’s R Kelly, it’s Lindsey Perryman – she worked as R Kelly’s assistant right up until last year, a full five years after the scandal around the R Kelly sex tape broke. Which isn’t weird at all, as the Associated Press reports:
“I didn’t want to think it was them,” a sometimes anxious-looking Perryman said, the 41-year-old Kelly sitting at the defense table just yards away. “The image I saw looked exactly like Mr. Kelly,” she said, adding she was “shocked” and “disturbed” by the video. Perryman said she saw the alleged victim numerous times, including when she would come to Kelly’s Chicago music studio. She recognized the girl as the one in the video by her cheekbones, as well as by the “distinctive” way she moved her mouth, smiled and talked, she told jurors.
Perryman may have a point – much like a fingerprint or a snowflake, every human has a completely unique way of reacting when someone pisses on their face to the sound of the Backstreet Boys. It’s true – you know those episodes of Scooby Doo where there’s an evil imposter dressed up as Scooby Doo and nobody knows which Scooby Doo is good and which Scooby Doo is evil? If R Kelly had been around to piss all over both of their faces to the sound of the Backstreet Boys the problem would have been solved with much less fuss. It’s biometric or something. We don’t know.
Anyway, since he’s facing up to 15 years in jail for these charges, R Kelly is still maintaining his innocence over the matter. And it’s easy to see why, because Lindsey Perrymen could just be an ex-employee with a grudge and nothing more.
carmela says
which bsb song was it anyway?