Now that the fun part of the R Kelly child pornography – watching a video of a 13-year-old girl wet herself to the Backstreet Boys – is over, it’s time to get serious.
And by serious, we mean dull. To convict R Kelly, the prosecution needs to prove that it’s him in the aforementioned sex tape – something that’s hard to do because R Kelly says it isn’t him and the girl accused of co-starring in the tape says she’s got nothing to do with any of it either.
But yesterday a witness stepped forward to say that R Kelly is definitely the guy in the video doing a wee on a child, and that the child is who everyone thinks it is as well. So it looks like everyone can go home soon. Cocktails all round!
The R Kelly child pornography trial has only been going on for a couple of days, but it’s already taught us some valuable lessons. Lessons like:
1) Forget paper rounds – doing a wee to the Backstreet Boys for the illegal sexual pleasure of creepy men is by far the most lucrative way for 13-year-old girls to augment their pocket money,
2) Although accused of being a fan of urine, R Kelly doesn’t like it when poo vapour goes up his nose, and
Actually we haven’t got a clue whether the man in the sex tape is R Kelly or not – R Kelly certainly doesn’t seem to think it’s him – but yesterday at the R Kelly child pornography trial a witness came forward to say that it was.
Twenty-four-year-old Simha Jamison was called as a witness by the prosecution because she apparently recognises both participants in the sex tape. The girl, Jamison claims, is her friend Roshona Landfair, and the man is – wait for it – R Kelly.
Rishona Landfair is the girl widely suspected to be the female lead in the sex tape, and she’d make a valuable witness for the prosecution, except she denies that it’s her and doesn’t want anything to do with the trial.
So, with the prosecution’s Plan A – to get Landfair in court and play Everybody by the Backstreet Boys at her to see if she instinctively starts writhing around and weeing in her knickers – torpedoed, much of the prosecution’s case rests on people like Simha Jamison to go to court and tell creepy stories about R Kelly that make everyone feel a bit weirded out. Job well done, then, as BBC News reports:
Simha Jamison, 24, told the Chicago court that she recognised her friend Roshona Landfair, 23, from her face. She said the two of them often met Mr Kelly when they were around age 12… Ms Jamison said Ms Landfair had first introduced Mr Kelly as her godfather and that they often visited him at his recording studio and a Chicago basketball court. She said Mr Kelly would give Ms Landfair money – “no less than $100 (£50) and no more than $500”. Ms Landfair often stayed on with the singer after Ms Jamison went home, she said.
However, let’s not get too excited. The R Kelly child pornography trial must still be treated fairly, even if it does revolve around a man who once wrote a song entitled Come To Daddy. And, as such, we have to remember that this is just one side of the story, and that the rest will come out when the defence makes its case.
We’re particularly looking forward to that, in fact, since during cross-examination yesterday the defence suggested that the tape may have been digitally altered. Fingers crossed that its entire argument revolves around the tape being a cleverly edited fake pieced together from bits of the music video to Feelin’ On Yo Booty and segments from the underground porno classic Upset-Looking Children Urinating To The Backstreet Boys For Cash.
Hunker down kids, we might be here for a while.
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