R Kelly Found Innocent Of All Children-Related Love Making

R Kelly is a man who has suffered so much at the hands of the press.

The guy just wants to live his life making A-material albums and wonderful music videos. And, of course, the last thing he wants to do is diddle people too young to get onto the big-kid rides at your local Six Flags.

Why is that? Well, it’s because R Kelly may be a lot of things - like the victim of a horrific back-mole that can sometimes be confused with a camera-lense speck, or tone deaf, but a kid-diddler he most definitely is not!

The man’s been acquitted, you know. You probably guessed that from the title up there.

Prison, put away your R Kelly cell-designation chart. He’ll not be living inside you anytime in the near future! Which is actually quite a shock for most people - even though Kelly says it wasn’t him in the video, the young victim says it wasn’t her in the video, and Snuffleupagus says he doesn’t really remember, but he’s almost 50% sure it’s a different orange, fuzzy elephant on that sexy, sexy screen.

The Kelly jury, after hours of deliberation and eating meals at cost to the legal system, found the R&B star not guilty of all 14 counts against him, despite the fact that his hair often looks wet and gross. Here’s a quote on things from The New York Times:

“It took more than six years for prosecutors to get the R&B star R. Kelly into court on charges of child pornography. It only took a few hours for a jury to declare him not guilty on all 14 counts. Mr. Kelly had been accused of making a 27-minute sex tape with an under-age female. But a high-powered defense team convinced the jury of nine men and three women that the identity of the girl was not conclusive.”

That’s what those big-wig attorneys do though, don’t they? We had one once when our neighbor had ‘film’ of us lying naked in his petunias no less than 14 times. That neighbor was so dumb. Without our face on-camera it could have been any nude, genderless, black-haired albino throwing up on his lowest porch step. What an idiot.

In other news we can use any public bathroom we want.

In the same news though - Kelly is off the hook. Especially seeing as how the alleged victim apparently wants nothing doing - we’re told she didn’t even testify in the first place. The NY Times has a quote on that too:

“In the same courtroom where the trial was conducted, five jurors told reporters that the absence of testimony from the alleged victim was a big handicap. ‘All of us felt the grayness of the case,’ one juror said.”