So Madonna fell off that horse because a photographer – possibly working for Old Bags On Saddles magazine – spooked it.
And it’s true. It’s true because Madonna’s rep Liz Rosenberg said it was true, and everything she says is true, with the possible exception of most of the things she says. But apparently, according to the incident’s police report, the paparazzi played no part in Madonna’s little topple whatsoever.
It’s a shame, because we assumed that Madonna now hurts herself whenever there’s a photographer around. Oh well, we’ll just have to cancel her photoshoot at the rusty spike factory, we suppose.
The poor paparazzi. Whenever anything bad happens to a celebrity, they’re always the first to get blamed. Honestly, it’s like there’s something about people who spend their lives conspicuously intruding on people’s privacy in the desperate hope that they’ll start crying or get their knickers out that just rubs people up the wrong way. How strange.
And if you believe what you read, it’s not just human beings and Pierce Brosnan who dislike the paparazzi, it’s also horses.
Ever since Sleipnir, the eight-legged horse god from Norse mythology, was snapped drunkenly vandalising a park bench with Quick Draw McGraw, the dim but well-intentioned wild west cartoon sheriff horse, all horses have had it in for the paparazzi. This hatred manifested itself most recently on Saturday when a horse who was carrying Madonna around saw a photographer in the bushes and deliberately flung Madonna from its back, causing her enough distress and injury to be hospitalised.
This definitely happened. Madonna was injured because a paparazzo leapt from the bushes, perhaps dressed as something that horses dislike such as a tub of glue or the Cliff Richard-performed theme tune to the early 1990s BBC horse-based drama Trainer, and spooked the horse she was riding.
Except, according to the police report into Madonna’s fall, the paparazzi didn’t play a part in the accident whatsoever. E! Online reports:
“She was a victim of a fall from a horse. We have no mention of the paparazzi,” Officer Chris Brenner tells E! News. “We got a call that the subject fell off the horse and treated it as an aided case…. Above complainant was a victim of fall from horse. Unknown injury. Bridgehampton Fire Department/ambulance responded and transported to Southampton Hospital,” said Brenner, quoting the police report.
So if the paparazzi didn’t make Madonna fall off her horse, what did? It’s just like a whodunnit, isn’t it, or at least it would be if it wasn’t for the very heavy suspicion that Madonna did it because she’s rubbish at riding horses.
Or maybe Madonna fell off the horse on purpose. After all, if we were Madonna we’d fling ourselves off horses as often as we could, purely because then movie acting would be automatically promoted to the thing we were second-most hopeless at. Smart move, Madonna. Smart move.
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