Madonna is the material girl – specifically the materials of elastoplast, tubigrip and whatever colostomy bags are made from.
Alright, not the last one. But the first two are almost a certainty, because Madonna has only gone and fallen off another poxy horse again. Apparently Madonna was hospitalised this weekend after toppling off a horse in the Hamptons, and she’s blaming the paparazzi.
But anyone worried that Madonna falling off two horses in four years puts a dent in her ‘queen of reinvention’ tag should relax – this time Madonna fell off a horse in a silly hat. Possibly. It’s completely different.
There are some things that Madonna should never do. Like acting, for example. Or wearing leotards that barely cover her middle-aged genitals. Or, as it turns out, riding horses. Putting Madonna on top of a horse is a recipe for disaster – historically, any time Madonna has ever got on a horse she’s either mistaken it for Gwyneth Paltrow and spent four hours doing pilates and discussing brown rice with it, or she’s been flung from it and ended up in hospital.
That’s what happened in 2005 when Madonna busted up her ribs falling from a horse, and it’s what happened this weekend after Madonna – yup – fell off a horse. But just because Madonna doesn’t seem to do much else apart from end up in hospital after stacking it off horses all the time, it doesn’t mean that she’s a rubbish horse-rider. In actual fact, as AP reports, it’s all the work of the filthy paparazzi:
A representative for the superstar said Madonna suffered “minor injuries” after she fell while horseback riding in the Hamptons, a playground for the rich and famous on the eastern end of Long Island, N.Y. “The accident occurred when the horse Madonna was riding was startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the singer, who was visiting friends,” Liz Rosenberg said in a statement Saturday evening.
See? Those dastardly paparazzi should know better than to startle horses by jumping out of bushes. Horses have traditionally been easily spooked by the paparazzi, ever since a photographer once took a photo of Mr Ed getting out of a taxi without any knickers on and then caught Black Beauty cheating on Red Rum with Champion The Wonder Horse at 3am outside a pikey nightclub in Dagenham.
While we hope that Madonna quickly recovers from whatever injuries she sustained in the accident, the fact alone that she’s fallen off two horses in four years has got us worried. Just recently Madonna tried adopting a second baby from Malawi a couple of years after she already adopted one. Now she’s fallen off a horse a couple of years after already falling off one. It’s almost like Madonna has hit the oldest point that she’s ever going to reach, and now she’s ageing backwards, reliving all the landmark moments of her life in reverse.
That’s not a bad thing, of course. True, it means before long Madonna will start getting naked in public all the time again, but let’s focus on the positive here – in about 25 years Madonna will start dressing her age again. Hooray!
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
Julian Mentat says
Excuse me. I am a horse and wish to tell you that both incidents were very deliberate on the part of the horses.
Whinny.
We horses are determined to punish this woman for her obscene videos and scanty clothing. Honestly, what will she do next; stand naked in a field?