Paris Hilton is Still Trying to Make Her Music Career Happen

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Paris Hilton is like a half melted Barbie meets a poor man’s Kim Kardashian, which is probably the biggest insult I can give to anyone. She’s a trashy blond heiress party girl who is a step bellow Ivanka Trump and a step above Tara Reid, but, at least for the most part, she’s stayed out of the spotlight for the last few years. That is, until now.

Remember almost a decade ago when Paris tried to make a singing career happen and raped all of our ears with her trashtastic song “Stars are Blind”? A song that’s lyrics made about as much sense as Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron as a couple (the kissing pictures surfaced; it’s on!). Well, after a musical hiatus that we’ve all been grateful for, Paris decide it was time to try again at this whole being a singer thing.

On Tuesday, July 8th, Paris decided that she fucking hated us all and wanted to punish us by releasing a new song titled “Come Alive”, which, ironically enough, makes me wish I were dead (pulled a Lana Del Rey there). Yes, I know, I didn’t HAVE to listen to this fuckery, but I’m a serious celebrity reporter which means I kind of did have to listen to it before I could rip it a new one. It’s called journalistic integrity.

The song itself is heavily auto tuned and makes me feel like I’m a club kid in New York in 1996 and I’m at a seedy weird club with James St. James and everyone is on drugs and I’m having a really bad trip and the guy next to me is dressed as a sexy killer clown and he’s getting jerked off by another guy who in drag as Chloe Sevigny…or potentially is Chloe Sevigny, and Harmony Korine is video taping the whole thing, and suddenly I regret all my life choices and just want to go home and apologize to my grandfather.

If that’s even remotely how you want to feel, you can go ahead and listen to the song here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9wMLbiuZK8

I’m not saying this is the worst song ever, but let’s just say this: when we were 9 and 10, my cousin, Krystal, and I formed a musical duo called The Lightning Ladies (don’t even get me started, ok?) and we only wrote songs to the already made tune that came on those little keyboards you could buy in the mid-90′s that ALL had “House of the Rising Sun” on them, plus some other classics, plus one original song. Our one major hit was called “Don’t Think About My Heart” and I used to sing it at all my sleepovers and friend’s boy/girl dance parties and it was totally about my grade 5 boyfriend who I also made a Facebook status about today, and you know what? THAT song was better than Paris Hilton’s new one.

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